"Why are you here?" she snaps at Elliot. He had shown up at her apartment in the middle of the night, just after she woke from the strangest nightmare. He was saving her from her car wreck in an EMT uniform. The beard he sports now that she's seen in surveillance photos was on his face. He was there to save her in that dream, and it forced the question: why hadn't he been there before?
"Liv, I just came to check on you. Fin said you got in a car accident," Elliot says, looking at the bruise on her head and the boot on her ankle.
"And you came to make sure I was alright. Well, I wish you had been there before," Liv snaps again in a harsh voice. Her eyes flash dark, and he doesn't understand what's going on. He's scared though. He's terrified about how abrasive she's being and whatever she could possibly be talking about.
"I was scared," he says simply.
"So you decided the smart decision was to chance your undercover operation by coming to an NYPD Captain's house. Let me break it to you, Elliot, that was stupid!" She's infuriated. She turns on her heel too fast with the boot, retreating away from her doorway and further into her apartment, allowing him to follow after her.
"I don't know why you're so mad at me, Liv. I thought you were hurt. I can't stay away if you're hurt," he says, almost pathetically.
Olivia sighs heavily and mutters under her breath, "Could have fooled me…" She hobbles into her kitchen for a glass of water.
"Come on, Liv, let me do that. You should be resting," he says, following after her. His hand grasps onto her bicep loosely because he's afraid of hurting her. She rips her arm from his grasp.
She turns to face him angrily. She punctuates every word in aggressive whispers, "I can take care of myself."
He looks at her sadly, and she feels guilty. She doesn't want to be mad at him. The sadness in his eyes almost takes away her anger, but that dream awoke something in her that she has been trying so hard to push down since he arrived: anger.
She leans against her fridge, abandoning her quest for some water. Her voice turns to a softer whisper, but each word cuts Elliot like a knife as it did before. "You abandoned me for ten years, Elliot. A part of me—the part from before—still can't believe it. I lived, and it still seems unreal."
"I'm sorry, Liv," he says sadly.
Olivia shakes her head. "Guess what, sorry isn't enough this time, El."
"I know, but tell me what I can do. I'll do anything, Liv, to make up even a fraction of the pain I caused you. I'd do anything," he begs.
Olivia swallows the bitter taste of bile in her throat, and she whispers, "Go back in time, and save me when I actually needed you." She slips past him and back into the living room before he can say a word. He's left leaning against her cabinetry for a moment thinking through her words. Anxiety sets in, but he pushes it down.
"Olivia…" he says her name softly, quietly as he walks back into her living room.
She sighs and says, "You have two options, El. Sit down and get answers, or go. I'm not sure which I'd prefer. Seems I can't sleep tonight anyways."
He nods and feels another knife puncturing his chest. Her voice is an attempt at indifference. It's what he deserves. She doesn't mean it, and he believes that, but still he fears. Still, he doubts. It's only what he deserves, he reminds himself. He treated her with much more than indifference for ten years. Now is her turn.
He sits down on the couch next to her, but not close enough that they touch in any way. "I'm here to hear whatever you'd like to tell me."
Olivia shakes her head. "Oh, Elliot, I wouldn't like to tell you anything . I would have liked it if you were there for ten years. I would have liked it if you had been there when I needed you most. I would have liked it if you cared enough to stay in contact with me!" By the end, she is yelling. Then, her head jumps to Noah's door in worry that she'd woken him. Silence surrounds them, and it terrifies Elliot that she can go so quiet so suddenly.
"What happened, Liv?" he asks, and it's such a painful question because he knows that, whatever her answer, he will hate it. He is horrified.
Her face contorts, and her eyes go dark once again. Oh, he has never been this scared in his life. That's saying something. "So much, El. So very much."
"Tell me. I'm here to listen. Tell me if you want," he says.
"Too late, Elliot," she says sadly. Her heart aches. She is putting him through so much right now, but she has had so much anger bottled inside for so long that she has to release it. She was bound to explode if she didn't. Now, here she is exploding on him.
"Tell me, Liv," he pushes just a little more. "Tell me what happened when I was away."
She looks at him painfully, pulling her sweater tighter around her shoulders. "Do you have any idea what ten years can do to a person?"
"It tore me apart," Elliot whispers.
"You chose to be torn apart when you walked out on me. I chose nothing," she says.
Elliot swallows the bile in his throat from that punch in the gut. "Okay. What can ten years do?"
"Change everything," she answers.
"What did it change for you, Liv? Tell me, please," Elliot says.
"Everything," she says. Her voice shakes over every syllable. He looks into her eyes though it hurts him so much. He has to be strong, so she will tell him. Strong and vulnerable. Trust me , he begs without words. She nods, believing him. "I lost my partner, and then I lost my apartment. I lost my safety and my ability to sleep free of nightmares. I lost my security and my trust that I could protect myself. I lost all belief that you would ever come to my rescue," she says in a rush, stopping for a breath when her voice breaks on the last word.
In a deeper voice, she continues, "I experienced the truest terror and rage that I ever had in my life. I started to heal. Then, he escaped and I had to heal all over again. I healed, but I was changed. I gained a son, and I almost lost him several times in several ways. I lost an ex-boyfriend to suicide. My brother passed too in the same year, and a few years before my sergeant died, and I will always blame myself in part for it.. I can't tell you how many other life and death situations I've been in or how many tough decisions I have made. I have suffered, and I have grown. I have done all of this without you, Elliot. Everything has changed," she concludes in a whisper.
Elliot's heart races and he knows he wasn't able to process it all. He definitely doesn't understand. "You healed?" he asks, not sure what he is asking or what she was meaning and much too afraid to ask the real question in his head.
"As much as I could. The scars are still on my body and in my mind, but I have healed," she says finally. Elliot nods. He looks so sickly, so pale. She takes pity on him, and she says, "I survived, Elliot. I'm not what happened to me."
Elliot runs his hand over his face, pushing down the anxiety again. Surprised that he hasn't suffered a panic attack yet. "I wish I had been there for you, Liv. I get it as much as I possibly can. I can't just show up and throw around my weight because you can take care of yourself…" He holds her eyes as he calls his own defeat, as his dreams die, "In ten years, everything changed."
Olivia runs her hand through her hair as she just looks at him. Elliot stands, thinking that only his leaving could make this better. He is walking slowly with his head down to her door. "Oh, Elliot," she says suddenly, standing up on her boot without a thought. She hobbles over to the door as he opens it. "Not everything"
He turns to face her with the door still open. "I don't understand, Liv."
She takes a deep breath. Watching him walking to her door, another realization fell into place. "I had been lying. Not everything…" He looks at her helplessly, completely incapable of speaking with his hopes up in the air. "I had a dream about the car wreck. I thought it was a nightmare initially. You were saving me from it. It startled me awake, not because it was a nightmare, but because it was exactly what I wanted. I stopped believing you would save me. Now, my dreams are telling me what my mind is still trying to refuse. You will save me. You are back, and you will do anything for me."
"I will," he agrees adamantly, and she smiles. My god, she smiles so beautifully that she stuns him again. The tears that had glistened her eyes but never shed makes her even more impossibly bright and sparkling than before.
"I know. That never changed," she says.
"No, never," he agrees.
"I never have stopped wanting you to save me either," she says. "It's more than that though." He stands quietly before her, too afraid to say a word. "I never stopped wanting to be with you…"
"Liv…" he says her name quietly in a question that he's still so afraid to ask.
She smiles even brighter, sliding her hand into his. "I never stopped loving you either, Elliot," she says much more easily than she ever thought she would. It's been known to her for so long, but not to Elliot. He gasps, and a tear slides from his eye.
"I never stopped loving you," he says.
She steps close to him, and he takes her face in the palm of his hand. A tear slips from her eye and is caught by his thumb. She leans forward, and he meets her halfway. Their foreheads touch, and they breathe the same air. Elliot takes her lips in a kiss that is soft and gentle. A question. She answers it when she kisses him back passionately.
The kiss ends in proper time when Olivia is ready to simply be held by him. She stretches her arms around him and lays her head on his shoulder. He hugs her back so tight. Olivia takes the opportunity to close the door that he'd been holding open. Her tears touch his neck as he holds her tight and nestles his face in her hair. He begins to cry too. The thought of her pain is too much for him to bear.
Her leg starts to hurt, but their tears continue to slide down their cheeks unstopped as she pulls back enough to look at him. "Come with me," is all she says, taking his hand and leading him back to her bedroom. He doesn't say a thing as he takes off his shoes and they lay down there, holding each other. They fall asleep comforted by each other's presence and by the knowledge that they will never be without each other ever again.
They wake from dreamless sleeps and wrapped up in each other's arms. "I've always wanted to hold you like this," he says into her hair.
"I've always wanted you to hold me like this," she says with a smile. Both of their eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, but they're so much happier than they have ever been before.
Elliot holds her face in the palm of his hand and says, "Do you know something else that has never changed?"
"What's that?" she asks with a chuckle.
"You're so unbelievably beautiful," he says.
"Even when I'm angry at you?" she asks with a bit of an apology in her voice.
He smiles, dismissing her apology as unnecessary with a shake of his head. "Especially when you're angry with me," he says, and she laughs brightly. "I just miss you calling me a son of a bitch to be honest."
"Ahhh… Good times," she says softly, laughing happily.
"Great times," he says, reminiscing.
"We have better times to come, El," she says. Looking at the clock on her phone, Olivia says, "Speaking of changes, one of them will be waking up very soon… I would love for you to meet my son, Elliot."
"I'd love that too," he says, smiling beautifully and filled with joy.
"First, you better call Sergeant Bell. I wasn't kidding with you last night. Showing up here while you're supposed to be undercover is stupid, Detective," she says in a stern, authoritative voice that she only uses to reprimand her squad.
"I like you being a Captain too," Elliot says flirtatiously.
"Oh, do you?" she flirts back at him as she pulls from his arms. The only reason that she's not sad about it is that she knows that she will be back in them very soon. He hums his response. "So do what I say, and call her," she says, handing over her phone.
He agrees and dials Bell's number as she walks to her bathroom. He watches her intently as she goes. "Eyes off my ass, Detective Stabler," she says, throwing a smile back over her shoulder.
Smirking, he says, "What can I say, Liv, some things never change."
She laughs as she disappears beyond her bathroom door. He loves that sound more than anything else. Some things never change.
A/N: Hi! I went with angst and sorta angry Liv. I don't know how it worked out, but I hope that you guys liked it! Anyways, I would love to hear what you think! Thank you for reading!