"I want that twelve hours of my life back. Wait, screw that, as your lawyer I'm charging you my hourly rate with an extra few hundred dollars for my pain and suffering!" Tyrion complained to his brother after being strong-armed into watching a terrible reality dating show called "Love is Blind" on Westflix.
"It wasn't really that bad…" Jaime said optimistically with a broad grin on his annoyingly handsome face that somehow still looked good on video chat.
"Jaime…" Tyrion said rolling his eyes towards the phone that was propped up by one of several empty wine bottles. Wine was the only thing that helped him through watching this drabble. He took a swig of wine and some dribbled down on his vintage Night King and the White Walkers t-shirt. Decorum required finely tailored suits for his job as a high profile corporate attorney, but all he could bear to put on out of the office was ripped jeans or sweatpants and one of dozens of band or pop-culture shirts. "The premise is just preposterous." he said gesturing wildly and spilling more wine. He was drunk, very drunk, in fact he probably hadn't been this far gone since Shae drained his bank account and ran off with her plastic surgeon. "I mean really, I like the concept, as unrealistic as it is, of getting to know somebody without looks being an issue. We all can't be an ad in GQ like you Jaime." he complained. "But they date for like what two weeks in those weird pod things…."
"Two very intense weeks." Jaime interjected. "Where they form deep personal bonds."
"Sure, whatever." Tyrion hiccupped. "And then if you truly fancy yourself in love, you get engaged sight unseen. Let me repeat that sight unseen."
"Hence, the name 'Love is Blind'" Jaime quipped with an eye roll.
"Which leads us to a big dramatic moment when the two lovebirds see each other for the first time and ta-da" he said with a flourish spilling more wine "love truly is blind because, EVERY FUCKING PERSON IS HOT! Tell me HOW THE FUCK is every contestant ready for a photo shoot! Do they breed these people in captivity for reality shows? Or grow them in tanks?" He paused and gulped his wine staring wide eyed at the video screen. "Oh my God, they're Pod People. Pod people put in pods for our viewing pleasure."
"How wasted are you?" his elder brother laughed, while pulling a swig from his own bottle of beer.
"Not wasted enough. And then after the engagement they go on a weird sex trip to the Summer Isles."
"You mean a lovely getaway for the newly engaged couple." Jaime guffawed.
"I stand by my words." Tyrion said. "Although true, not all of them fucked right away which was a total sign, just sayin', that this hypothesis is groundless. Please note the couples that didn't jump each other in the first few days did not end up together at the end." Tyrion looked at the table and was glad to see that one of the several bottles of wine still had liquid in it and poured the rest in his glass. "Anyway after the sex trip, they move them next door to each other in lovely Casa de generic reality show apartments, which is totally fucking weird because they all dated each other, am I right?"
"Which they showed in the awkwardness between a few of the couples."
"Because multiple girls were fighting over that douchey dude/bro...Larry or Gary?"
"Harry"
"So anyway after being forced to move in with a person you literally met three weeks ago, you now have to introduce them to your family and plan a wedding? Or whatever passes for it. Was that even real or did I hallucinate that part where you walked down the aisle and looked that person dead in the eye and say 'No thanks I pass. Bye-eeee'" Tyrion said waving drunkenly at the phone.
Laughing hysterically at this point Jaime said "No that was real! Some of those endings were brutal." He paused and then looked meaningfully at Tyrion. "I must say your version of the show was far, far more entertaining than the synopsis I got from Varys."
"Varys?" A chill ran up Tyrion's spine at the sound of their old friend's name.
"Varys took umbrage with some of the same points you made, most notably the 'Pod people' as you called them. He's partnered up to co-produce the next season with some greasy reality show producer named Baelish and is making a few changes which is why I insisted to your displeasure you watch it this weekend."
"I didn't know that Varys had gotten himself involved with Westflix." Tyrion said as a bead of sweat trickled down his back.
"As you know little brother, Varys has gotten himself involved in most everything in Westeros." Jaime said meaningfully.
Tyrion was quiet for a good time as thoughts ricocheted around his wine soaked brain. He stared at his brother imploringly hoping to be wrong. "He's calling in his favor isn't he."
Jaime leaned back on his own couch and Tyrion could see a few bottles of Highgarden beer littering the table beside him. Apparently, he wasn't the only one coping by drinking. "For both of us. " Jaime muttered. "The show starts filming in one week and the Westflix bigwigs want another team of females and males to round out the dating pool to sixteen men and women."
"Teams?"
"The other element besides having a more 'diverse' group of people is that you come with a same sex friend or family member. Because who wants to watch strangers fight over a douchey guy when you could have friends or better yet sisters do it."
"I think we could top that if we throw down. Who wouldn't want to watch a dwarf fight a one handed man? I'd even buy a ticket for that." Tyrion said with amusement.
"That bald motherfucker is rather brilliant I must say." Jaime admitted. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I think it might be time to date again."
"More like the first time for you. Our dearest cousin has been fucking you and fucking with you since the cradle." Tyrion joked but knew by his brother's dark look he had gone too far.
"Tyrion…" Jaime said in warning.
"Sorry brother, I'm just so glad you're free of her." Jaime once compared his love for Cersei like a venom that needed to be drawn out. Tyrion thought her more like a cancer that was in remission, but there was always a danger of his brother falling prey to her again.
"What about you?" Jaime asked. "Shae's been gone a year now, time to get back into the game yourself."
Tyrion sighed, he hated to admit how raw he still felt from Shae's betrayal but honestly it was just another chapter in a lengthy book of rejections for him starting from birth. He closed his eyes, wishing foolishly for only a moment that love could truly be blind and a woman would see him for the man beyond his stunted limbs. But alas, it was a lie. Any woman he fell for would grimace politely and give him a pity kiss on the cheek when they finally saw each other for the first time and the thought made him ill.
"Or…" he said wickedly.
"Or?" Jaime asked
"Or I could show what a load of bullshit the whole show is by becoming douchebag Jerry"
"Harry." Jaime corrected him yet again.
"And everyone in Westeros, sees a bunch of women fight over a dwarf."
"A charming dwarf."
"And just when they think I'm going to propose, I'll drop the A-bomb and we'll see how far they back peddle or better yet I'll just show myself at the magical little reveal and let nature take its course to prove what a farce this show is." Tyrion said bitterly
"Well that's one way to do it. We couldn't have you give something an honest chance could we?" Jaime said sarcastically. "Varys only cares about ratings and I'm pretty sure he's counting on you to be a wild card anyway." He paused, blowing a low tone into his empty beer bottle before looking up sharply. "What do you mean by A bomb?"
"Acondroplasia." Tyrion said mimicking a mike drop before hanging up with his brother and promptly passing out.
"Sansa sweetie how are you?" Catelyn Stark's voice rang out over the phone.
"School ended yesterday Mom. I cleaned out my classroom this afternoon and turned in final grades. Tomorrow I plan on picking up some painting supplies and tackling my bedroom." Sansa said excitedly. She had purchased a small home for herself and her husky, Lady, this spring but had been too caught up in the school year to get more than the basic home improvement processes started. But now she had all summer for home renovation and couldn't wait to get started.
"That's great! I would love to see some pictures when you're done." Catelyn said.
"How are things at home?"
"Oh fine…" her mother responded evasively.
"What's going on?" Sansa said, feeling a headache coming on. She loved her mother and her family but had an overwhelming feeling she was not going to like the direction this conversation was taking.
"Well Bran's application for KLU got lost somewhere and didn't get in on time, so now he might not be able to go there. He's just crushed." Her younger brother Bran had just graduated from high school at the top of his class and had always dreamed of going to the exclusive King's Landing University.
"Oh no! Poor Bran! Wait, didn't Uncle Petyr go there? Maybe he could help?"
"I already talked to Petyr. He said he had some friends in the admission office and might be able to call in a few favors."
"Well, good. Problem solved." Finally, her slimy Uncle was good for something. Petyr Baelish was a childhood friend of her mother and aunt and had been an annoying presence in their lives since her father passed. He had married their Aunt Lysa a few years ago, largely for her late husband's vast estate although Sansa suspected he carried a rather large torch for her mother.
"He did ask for a favor in return."
"Of course he did." Sansa groaned knowing this was the real reason her mother had called.
"Really Sansa, it's nothing terrible. Do you remember that darling little dating show he had on Westflix?"
"Love is Blind?" The reality show had been all the buzz for a few weeks when it premiered a few months ago. She had of course watched it, if only to be in the know with her teenage students, as well as familial obligation.
"Yes that one. Petyr wants you and Arya to be on the next season! They want the men and women to come in pairs. Isn't that exciting!"
"No, Mom. It's awful. I can't think of something I want to do less."
"Sansa, really. It's not like you're seeing anybody anyway." Sansa facepalmed herself in disbelief. She had spent the last year rebuilding her life after a horribly abusive relationship. Her therapist had told her a few months ago that she would know when she felt ready to date and Sansa still wasn't sure. Guess there's nothing like being thrown off the deep end.
"Poor Petyr is really in a bind. The Westflix executives insist on another set of men and women before filming starts next week and he and his partner are scrambling. Please Sansa, could you do this?" her mother guilted her. Of course she'd do it for Bran. He hadn't exactly had an easy life since the car accident that killed their father and put him in a wheelchair.
"Ugh, I'll do it for Bran but only if you can get Arya to do it." Sansa said confidently, knowing Arya would never agree to it.
"Fantastic! Arya already said yes. I'll call Petyr and let him know." Sansa practically dropped the phone in surprise before quickly sending her sister a one word text. TRAITOR.
"Tell Bran he owes me big." Sansa replied as dread clawed at her throat at the idea of putting herself out there again and with an audience no less.
"Oh Sansa, what's the worst that can happen? You find a husband? I was married with two kids when I was your age." Her mother chided. For all that Sansa looked like a younger version of her mother, she sometimes wondered that they were related.
"I"m only 25 Mom. I'm not an old spinster." Her phone buzzed with a response from Arya. Call me when you're off the phone with Mom.
Sansa ended the conversation with her mother, her peaceful summer of painting her bungalow soon forgotten. Arya answered her video chat on the first ring and Sansa just gave her the stink eye for a few moments.
"Before you say anything, Robb has already agreed to drive down and pick up Lady and Nymeria to dogsit them at his place while we're gone." Arya said, already trying to placate her sister.
"What about your job?" Sansa questioned. Arya was a personal trainer and also competed in kickboxing competitions. "Can your boss spare you for that long?"
"I no longer work for Clegane Fitness." Arya said defensively.
"What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Arya said in a stubborn tone that Sansa knew meant the subject was closed.
"But why did you agree to do this, I mean other than Bran?" Sansa asked, perplexed.
"Isn't our brother enough reason?" Arya replied.
"Normally, but a reality dating show…." Sansa rolled her eyes. "It's just so not you."
"I know….and maybe that's the point." Arya sighed, blowing her bangs off of her forehead. "I just needed a change, something to shake up the status quo. On top of being unemployed, I also got rejected by a man I had a huge crush on. And well it just sucks you know." she smile sheepishly and Sansa could tell it pained her to admit her vulnerability even to her sister
"Seriously? What guy would turn you down?"
"Well, we all can't be you Sansa." Arya said jokingly but Sansa heard some old hurt come through. They had fought like cats and dogs throughout childhood and high school with the only reprieve being Sansa's departure to college. They truly couldn't be more opposite-the statuesque Homecoming Queen and yearbook editor versus the miniscule fireball who was the captain of their schools championship soccer team while earning her black belt in jiu-jitsu. It had taken the death of their father to sweep all that to the side in an instant and they were closer now than they'd ever been.
"You don't want to be me Arya. I only attract losers and assholes." she sighed. "Or maybe that's just what I'm attracted to."
"Maybe this is a good chance for you to figure out what you're really attracted to besides physical appearance even if you don't meet 'the one.' Think of it as practice if nothing else. I know you Sansa, and you want to be a wife and mother more than anything and you never will be if you spend your days with kids and your nights with a dog. As for me I'm glad to try truly blind dating because even though we have never been interested in the same sort of men, I will be thrilled to not immediately be compared to my intelligent, driven, model-esque sister." Arya said, trying to soften her words with a compliment.
"Arya, you know you are all of those things too...just in a tiny package!" Sansa laughed. "At least you've never had to worry if your date was insecure because you were taller than them or had them tell you to wear flats."
"I'd like to see them try. I'm not going to change who I am because of their fragile male ego."
"And that Arya," Sansa said resignedly "is how I wish I was more like you. You've always known who you are and have never apologized for it. I admire you for that more than I can say."
They both smiled at each other and laughed as they both started to sniffle with tears over their sudden outburst of emotion.
"So do you think the Stark sisters are ready to find out if 'Love is Blind?'" Sansa said in a cheesy game show host voice.
"Oh I already know the answer to that. It's not blind, it in fact lets us see each other more clearly." Arya said as melancholy laced her words.
Sansa's eyebrows arched as she got a rare glimpse beneath the surface of how deeply the upheaval in Arya's life was getting to her. If nothing else happened in the next few weeks, she hoped she could help her sister sort through it. But there was a very small part of her, a part that even Ramsey could not take from her, that still believed in romance and happy endings and of Prince Charmings and maidens fair, that hoped there was someone out there for her. And if she was lucky, he might be on the other side of a wall waiting to hear her voice too.