Author's Note: Hello my beautiful readers, I hope you had a great Halloween. I didn't manage to post anything, and I currently all over the place, but I promise I'll try to be more organised... soon. Until then I have a few short pieces on an Alternate Universe, I have been dabbling around with. It's all spoof and not canon compliant, but I hope you enjoy it regardless.
Disclaimer: Eoin Colfer owns all the characters from Artemis Fowl, I only own my imagination and the characters I have created.
Evil Association of Evil Villains
Chapter 1: Monthly Roundtable
The conference room was filled with the most dangerous criminals in the world, happily chatting away with each other. This was the last place Butler wanted to be in. Artemis had received a personal invitation from the President of the Evil Association of Evil Villains, and the boy had been adamant on going, making Butler's life – as usual – extremely stressful. He stared across the room at Jon Spiro's bodyguard, who sneered right back.
Before the two men could exchange hostilities, though, another man entered the room, and the conversations died away. Butler turned to him as he stopped at the one empty seat at the round table. He looked more like a retired teacher than a criminal with his grey hair and bushy beard, but Butler had been in the business long enough to know better.
The President, the evilest of the evil villains, beamed at his fellow evil villains.
"Most respected Evildoers," he said, rolling the words like a true Irishman. "Thank you all for coming to the monthly roundtable of the Evil Association of Evil Villains. The first part of the agenda today is to welcome our newest and youngest member. I won't say too much as some of you have already made his acquaintance, but I am quite pleased that he is a fellow countryman of mine. It's the Irish businessman, Artemis Fowl II."
The members knocked on the table as Artemis gave everyone a cordial nod.
"A kind reminder, everybody,"–the President gave every single person a stern look– "associates aren't allowed to kill, maim, bludgeon, poison or otherwise threaten other associates or their henchmen. Okay, let's continue with the monthly high score of Evilness. Last month has been truly quite successful, and I am pleased about your commitment. You have achieved a new record of the most almost committed crimes of the last 20 years. I think that deserves some applause!"
The criminals around the table whooped, giving each other high-fives.
"You all did amazing, but I am sure you want to know who got to the top in July, huh?"
Cheers throughout the room. Butler had to fight hard not to roll his eyes at how everybody sat up straighter, eager to hear who would be the Evildoer of the Month.
"In a very respectable third place is Opal Koboi, with her attempt at making Castle Rock, a dead volcano, erupt once more. She almost caused fear and consternation among the people of Edinburgh. Very well done!"
Opal Koboi blushed, waving her hands at her fellow villains as she received applause, while her henchmen Mervall and Descant Brill shifted in their seats, hastily reached for the water glasses, and gulped down the water. Butler frowned, studying the other henchmen. He caught Arno Blunt giving the pixie brothers a discreet thumbs-up.
"Next, Jon Spiro, with his truly devious invention of a 5G Brainwashing Chip. I realise there were some start up difficulties. Instead of brainwashing the victims, you gave them a really good internet connection."
The room let out a collective gasp. Jon Spiro shook his head in shame, lifting his hands in an apology. Ark Sool patted him on the shoulder, whispering some encouraging words.
"But the thought counts. You were really close, Jon, keep up the good work!"
Meanwhile, Butler watched Arno Blunt wipe away a drop of sweat that had run down his forehead before clapping with the rest of the room, hooting and chanting for his employer.
"Which brings us to our winner for July, which is our youngest, but surely most promising, member. Artemis, you almost poisoned the entire country of Ireland! Well done!"
The criminals around the table murmured among themselves, while Artemis made a face.
"I was convinced it would work, too. I don't know why it didn't."
Butler clasped his hands behind his back, trying hard to look innocent and not to gloat. His attempt at exchanging the poison-filled capsules with some harmless vitamin pills hadn't been easy. It had almost cost him two fingers, but thanks to Madame Ko's additional seminar Your Principal is a Villain? 101 Ways to Thwart Their Plans he had succeeded.
He caught the eyes of a goblin, who picked his nose in a way that Butler could only describe as congratulating.
The President lifted his hands. "You all did very well this month. Until next time. Be bad, do evil and have fun!"
The villains clapped loudly, while the henchmen, including Butler, let out a collective sigh.
A/N: Oh yeah, this is happening! Be prepared for some silly shenanigans. Until next time! Comments or any other form of messages are always very welcome. Take care!