Recipe for Disaster
Chapter 1: The Great Pizza Debacle
Chiron heaved perhaps the eleventh sigh in as many minutes, as he waited patiently for his campers to arrive at the dining pavilion. While the impromptu meeting was mandated as 'necessary and essential' by the orders of the gods themselves, he was, to put it mildly, rather anxious as to inform his students of this most recent Olympian decree. As the demigod heroes began filing their way into the designated tables of the dining post, Chiron's tail swished nervously, an action that did not go unnoticed by many of the assembling Half-Bloods.
With his growing unease as to the reason for this meeting's announcement, the atmosphere within the open air pavilion quickly grew tense, as if the campers anxieties began to feed off of each other, culminating in a fury of anxious fear. When at last the final camper entered and took her seat, Chiron offered a strained smile as he gazed over the collected faces of his pupils, knowing full well he was preparing to doom them all.
"Good evening campers," he said, his voice forcing a jovial tone while raising his arm in salute. No one replied, and thus, the entire tone of the meeting had been set. "I suppose you are all wondering why you have been called here this evening."
Once again, the usually boisterous campers were morbidly silent, as if they were preparing to hear that they were either being sent to yet another war, or a new great prophesy had been ordained. In either event, no one seemed willing to ask, as though stretching out the silence would delay the inevitable. For Chiron, he offered a silent prayer for the strength he would need to relay the ordained commandment, before holding up the parchment that had been delivered by Hermes not an hour ago.
"I'm really not sure how to state this, so I shall just inform you all," he said, another sigh slipping past his lips. "Apparently, ratings for Hephaestus television have been on the decline in recent months. While the "Adventures of the Seven" series has concluded, reruns have not been enough to carry the ratings through until the fall season, so, we've been instructed to host a new, reality cooking show..."
Immediately the demigods erupted in questions, confused accusations, and a small fire that somehow managed to start in the far corner. Despite his calming presence, it took several stomps of his hoof to silence the heroes from the general uproar of pandemonium that erupted within the pavilion.
When order was at last restored, it was the son of Poseidon who voice what many within the gathering had thought, "This is stupid!"
Thunder erupted overhead, challenging the Hero of Olympus to continue with his blasphemous words before he just looked towards the sky. "No seriously, this is dumb. The gods live off of Ambrosia and Nectar, why do they care to see us fumble around the kitchen, making meals they'll never eat unless they just want to see us make fools of ourselves, and I just answered my own question..."
"Before Percy leads us all to getting vaporized I would like to stress..."
"No Chiron, Percy has a point," Annabeth said, her words silencing the mentor of the camp.
"Oh, of course you'd think so Annabeth. If it were anyone but Percy, you'd never say a thing, but since it was your dear, sweet, loving boyfriend..." Travis Stoll remarked, his hands folding in front of his chest as his eyes took on a mocking, love struck gaze. His words and actions were followed by a collection of 'ooh's' and 'ahh's' as well as several kissing sounds from the gathered demigods.
Annabeth responded however by drawing her Drakon sword and slamming it on the table to silence the campers. "I will stab you all...and Percy, stop making kissing noises," she said before redirecting her attention to the centaur. "But seriously Chiron, we come to this camp to train. Even though, thank the Fates, there are no prophesies and wars on the horizon, there are still monsters out there we have to fight just to survive. What good is coming to camp if we're not training and perfecting our skills?"
"I understand your hesitation, truly I do, and I voiced my concerns with the gods, to which they replied, and I quote, 'mind your own damn business you nagging mule'. Can't tell you how good it feels to be appreciated by my own family." His deadpanned delivery speaking volumes to the gathered heroes of just how much of a puppet he was in the grand scheme of everything they've endured. "But, at any rate, they did promise that we would be having a revolving cast of hosts to feature on the program, so you will all only miss one or two days of training at most."
"One or two days of training can shave off or add seconds on our reaction time," Annabeth continued to stress before shaking her head, "Chiron, this is ridiculous." More thunder erupted across the sky, rolling in heavier waves at Annabeth's outburst.
"Listen," Chiron said, interrupting the pending outcry of the campers. As they fell silent, waiting for his lecture, he allowed the moment to stretch until several concerned and confused looks graced the ancient teacher. "Oh," he said as though he had forgotten his instructions, "I was just taking a moment to enjoy the quiet...you know...no thunder threatening to strike us all dead.
"Believe in me when I tell you I understand the hesitation and resistance to the request..."
"Heh, 'request,'" Jake Mason stated, emphasizing air quotes to express his annoyance.
"At any rate," Chiron continued before another bout of thunder could echo, "I'm afraid the program has already been logged, and production value alone would make it quite costly to discontinue it now...costs might I add, that would be taken from our operating budget," he said, staving off any forthcoming argument about how any of that was their problem.
"As for the first show, there was a poll taken on Mt. Olympus to see who would host the pilot episode."
"Oh wow...let me guess," Percy rolled his eyes in feigned expectation while crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the Poseidon table.
"Got a pretty high opinion of yourself don't you Prissy?" Clarisse barked from across the pavilion, only to have Percy raise his eyebrow in a wait and see expression.
"Ahh...yes, well, I have been told that the polling significantly favored Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase as the winning participants for the first episode. However, there are some who suggest that Lady Aphrodite may have influenced the vote."
"Oh wow, there's a shock, being told to do something I have no interest in doing for the entertainment of the gods that may or may not get me killed...it must be Tuesday!" Percy recanted as he waved his arm in exasperation before turning his head towards his fellow campers, "oh, and Clarisse, totally called it!"
-TIME SKIP-
It had taken two days to build the production studio, complete with ovens, prep tables and an assortment of cooking supplies. The expedience of the construction was due in no small part to the subtle, yet very threatening suggestion that if production of the program was at all delayed, Zeus would turn them all into tapeworms...rather fitting as this was a cooking show.
Thus, the facility was built in haphazard haste, the crew that was designated to operate the lights and cameras were in position, and Malcolm, of the Athena cabin, had agreed to take up the directing duties. As the lights focused on the two demigods standing behind the prep table while the camera came to life, Annabeth offered a strained smile while Percy was slumped over the table, bracing himself in his arms as if wishing he were any place else.
"Good afternoon and welcome to the first episode of Cooking with the Demis," Annabeth began in an excessively faux tone of mock enjoyment, her voice seemingly cracking under the strain of the task forced upon her and Percy. "I will be your host this afternoon, Annabeth Chase. And I am accompanied, as always, by my partner..." The last word spoken with loving intent as she turned her eyes to the teen beside her who had not yet moved from his position.
Nudging him with her elbow, Percy seemed to spring to life at the realization that they were now camera, yet, he turned his face towards Annabeth as though not sure what to say. "Do we really need to introduce ourselves? I mean, we've only saved the gods' collected butts, what, half a dozen times? If they don't know us by now, it's not worth my time telling them who I am..."
Shrugging her shoulders as if unwilling to fight a losing battle, or simply that she can't disagree with Percy's response, she forced a smile back on her features and turned back to the camera. "So, I'm told to tell you that today's episode is brought to you by Circe's Spa and Resor...are you kidding me?!"
"Just stay on script Annabeth!" Malcolm shouted from off-camera, earning a death-glare from the daughter of Athena.
Heaving a sigh in exasperation over being forced into this, she again addressed the camera. "So, yeah, apparently an insane sorceress is paying for this program, and for reasons I can't fathom, I'm not the least bit surprised by that. Anyway, for today, we are going to demonstrate how to make a standard pizza."
"Oh Hades, YES!"
Smiling at her boyfriend's eagerness to finally participate, Annabeth continued. "Now, as you can see, we've already laid out the ingredients in preparation of our construction. Obviously, the pizza dough is already laid out in front of my co-host Percy. Normally, to make an actual pizza dough takes quite a bit of effort, so we've tweaked the process a tiny bit by buying prepackaged dough. However, do not worry, this has already been tested and approved.
"Now, for the toppings we've selected, we have here our pizza sauce, shredded cheese, olives, and pepperoni. For simplicity, we've decided to limit our toppings, but any number of ingredients can be applied. Now, I would like to discuss with you the pizza sauce. Again, sauces are time consuming to construct, so, we did conduct several tests to determine the best mixture and decided on a 4 to 3 ratio of Prago Marinara to Ragu pizza sauce. It adds a nice, authentic tomato base that will compliment our pizza.
"Okay, so Percy, can you tell me who first invented the pizza?" She asked, filling the silence as she began stirring the pizza sauce mixture within the mixing bowl in her arms.
"My guess would be the Italians."
"True enough, but there is more to the story. While Raffaele Esposito is credited by most modern scholars, his creation was actually a culmination of numerous similar dishes. Previous incarnations of this dish were often made on flatbread, with the evolution of including toppings and ingredients to add more and more flavorful creations. One such dish, the plakous, dates all the way back to ancient Greece..."
"HA, suck it Romans," Percy shouted into the camera as he cried in triumph.
Rolling her eyes, Annabeth shook her head as she turned to begin ladling the sauce onto the prepared dough before stopping. She furrowed her brow and pursed her lips as she stared at the table, that was apparently absent of said needed pizza dough. "Percy, love of my life," she said through gritted teeth as though fighting through the frustration she knew was forthcoming. "Do we seem to be missing something?"
Curiously craning his head to look at the end of the table at the ingredients on display, Percy chewed his bottom lip in concentration. "Looks like everything is there..."
"The pizza dough Percy...what have you done with it?"
"Why do you assume it was me?"
"Because it was at your station! It just didn't disappear."
The Hero of Olympus offered only a slightly guilty smile before turning his attention from his girlfriend, to the place on the table where the pizza should have been, back to his girlfriend before at last training his eyes to the ceiling. Knowing immediately that she was going to regret it, Annabeth let out a sigh be she followed his gaze to see several dozen tiny blobs of dough clinging to the surface above their heads. "But...why?" she asked simply as she turned her attention back to stare at her boyfriend. "Damn it Percy, you had one job!"
Of course, Percy was more than willing to argue that the numerous clinging clumps of dough dangling from the ceiling was not at all his fault. In fact, this was all Annabeth's fault. Sure, he may have started pulling off pieces from the dough and making little doughy action figures to fight amongst themselves, but what was an excessively hyperactive demigod suffering from ADHD supposed to do when his really attractive girlfriend began spouting facts about the creation of pizza?
The obvious answer was to see if he could get those little pieces of dough to stick to the ceiling...to which he totally succeeded.
"Annabeth," Percy whispered loudly as the daughter of Athena set down the mixing bowl and began messaging her temples as she considered how to salvage this fiasco while fighting the reality that she just didn't care enough given that the premise of this whole cooking show was stupid anyway. "Annabeth, look..." this time the teen nudged her shoulder, forcing her to turn her attention to the young man. "That looks like the Big Dipper." He said, pointing to the ceiling.
"Percy, I really just don't...oh, hey, it does," Annabeth replied as she followed Percy's pointing finger at the globs of dough above them. People frequently forgot that Annabeth also had ADHD, she was just often better at keeping it under control than other demigods. But leave it to Percy to get her to let her guard down and distract her as she began looking at the disorganized collection upon the ceiling. "And that there looks like Pisces." She pointed to another collection of clumps.
"You know, if we think about about it, this is almost like gazing at the stars," Percy's voice said huskily as he turned his eyes towards Annabeth.
"NO, no, someone stop them!" someone shouted from the crew, but it was too late. Annabeth had turned her notice to her boyfriend, her eyes locking upon his mesmerizing irises before the sudden, surging movement led to their lips locking as well. Quickly, Percy lifted Annabeth onto the prep table to give her leverage to wrap her legs around his waist, her fingers eagerly threading through his black hair as he linked his arms beneath her hips and began walking the pair of them out of the studio.
"Annabeth, Percy you do realize we're filming this live…!" Malcolm cried in desperation as they blindly bumped and swayed their way out into the yard.
"Someone get the hose..."
"That only makes it worse!"
"Cut...go to commercial!" Malcolm screamed as Chiron slowly walked to the nearest wall and began banging his head against the surface, trying to understand why he even tried sometimes.
–
-Commercial Break-
"Hello darlings, my name is Circe, owner and proprietor of Circe's Luxury Resort and Spa," the sultry woman with the classic, Greek dressing gown practically purred into the camera. "I am happy to report that after some, unfortunate events, we are now celebrating our grand reopening.
"Here, we offer only the finest amenities and comforts to ensure you receive only the treatment you deserve. Oh, and speaking of treatments, here are two lovely recipients of our full make-over."
The camera panned to two women, their hair pulled back into a lovely braid as their make-up seemed to make their feature positively glow. In their hands they each held a furry rodent, one brown and white, the other a cream colored. Both tiny guinea pigs squealed noisily.
"Yes, they have never looked better," Circe moved to scratch one of the furry pets under the chin. "Perfectly darling are they not.
"And now, to celebrate our grand reopening, every patron of our lovely resort will leave with an adorable, furry little friend. So come soon, come often...you may not want to leave at all. But trust in Circe, we are here to serve you...unless your male"
-End of Commercial-
Annabeth and Percy were both pushed bodily into the line of sight of the camera, both teens' hair was messy and disorganized, lips swollen and Annabeth's shirt seemed to be three sizes too big while Percy's fit like a second skin, was inside-out and even backwards.
"And we're back," Annabeth stated as she righted herself from the awkward arrival. "Though, we seem to be lacking the necessary resources to complete our pizza concoction..."
"Not to worry," Percy piped in as he moved to the large refrigerator next to the stove and began rooting around until withdrawing an arm full of other ingredients. "I had a feeling something like this would happen, so prepared a contingency pizza plan."
"So..." Annabeth started, arching an eyebrow as she looked at her boyfriend, "you had planned to get bored, pull apart our pizza dough and throw it on the ceiling, making constellation designs just to get me to make out with you? Not sure if that's terrifying or really, really, charming."
"I'm going for the charming option," he said, smiling the trademark smirk that made her go weak in the knees.
"Oh, you think you're so charming..."
"Oh I know I'm charming..." he said, his voice slow and deep as he moved ever closer to his girlfriend, his hands finding their way to her waist.
"NO, you are not doing this again! We are finishing this stupid show if it kills you!" Malcolm screamed from off camera, earning a snarl from Annabeth.
"It may kill you Malcolm if you don't stop getting in our way!" Annabeth screamed to her brother.
"Alright, let's just finish this damn thing...ha, dam pizza," Percy hurriedly said, flopping the unused pizza dough on the prep table with a bag of cheese that looked unnatural in color, a tub of mushrooms, and something that may have been breathing.
"We're making blue pizza for those watching at home, or Olympus or wherever. Annabeth my love, would you be ever so kind to put some sauce on this pizza while I prepare the toppings." He said, placing a led apron over his head and adorning a pair of asbestos gloves, used for dish duty, when scrubbing pans in lava was necessary.
"What's with the protective gear?"
"Not sure how safe this will be," he said simply, opening the bag of cheese, only for a pungent stench to waif through the studio. As Annabeth completed applying the pizza sauce, Percy began grabbing handfuls of cheese and spreading it over his creation. "So, first, we need to apply an ample amount of blue cheese…"
"Percy," Annabeth replied, gagging at the stench while trying desperately not to breathe "gods I think I'm going to be sick..."
"If you need to throw up, aim for the pizza," Percy replied helpfully as fixed a breather mask to his face.
"Percy, that's not blue cheese, that's moldy cheese..."
"Yeah, I know, but blue cheese is a kind of mold, so...figured it would be close, anyway," he said, as he continued layering the toxic dairy product on his creation. "Next, we have these lovely mushrooms...now, you may be asking, where did I get the mushrooms..."
"Actually, I was more concerned with the moldy cheese...why are you putting that on the pizza?"
"Oh, don't worry Annabeth, we're not eating this, this is for the Stoll brothers," Percy replied as he began throwing whole mushrooms on the pizza without caring the color or even slicing them into bite sized pieces.
"Do you know whether or not those mushrooms are edible?"
"Of course they're edible, its not like they're rocks."
"I mean, poisonous..."
"Huh," Percy replied, as though the thought never occurred to him. "Well, I'm sure Travis and Conner can let us know that. Either way I'm sure it'll be fine."
"And, just why are you trying to kill them?"
"Kill? That seems a little dramatic doesn't it? Besides, I'm doing it for the prank war," he said as if the answer were self-explanatory, all the while he stared menacingly at the two brothers who tried to slouch into the shadows and avoid Percy's death glare. When he turned his attention to Annabeth she merely arched an eyebrow as to encourage him to elaborate. "Remember when they snuck those spiders into your cabin...well, you know, after Rome...no put puts spider's in my girlfriend's cabin..."
A look of such love crossed Annabeth's face that the crew were certain they would start making out again and likely would have had it not been for Percy's attention fixed on the two offending brothers. "Right," Annabeth replied, grabbing a handful of mushrooms from the bin and throwing them on the pizza. "More mushrooms."
"And finally, this thing," Percy said, holding a black, pulsing blob as he smashed it onto the top of the pizza. "I don't even know what this is, I found it under my bed. Could be an old sandwich, could be a glob of dust bunnies...don't know. I mean I haven't been at camp for months so no telling what this thing is, but, the Stolls will find out." And with that he opened the oven and threw the pizza, if it could be called that, into the stove to cook.
"Now, we're setting the temperature to 900 degrees for a couple of minutes...that should be fine." Percy spoke to the camera, indicating the temperature setting. "So, I was thinking..." Percy lowered his voice in a sultry tone as he moved to Annabeth and placed his hands on her hips while smiling lovingly to his girlfriend, "That while we're waiting for the pizza to cook, we can talk about where we should go after we're done with this stupid show."
Annabeth smiled in reply, yet stole a look at the camera, "Probably not the best idea to discuss this with a bunch of voyeuristic gods watching us right now."
"Oh, right, maybe when this is over..."
"MORTALS!" A voice seeped in ancient hatred echoed through the camp, causing the earth the tremble and the demigods to stare at each other. "YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR FATE!"
"Damn it Clarisse, if your throat is hurting that bad, take a cough drop," Percy yelled.
"That wasn't me idiot," Clarisse yelled from the other side of the studio.
"I am Cthulhu, destroyer of worlds and devourer of souls. It was foolish of you to summon me forth to your pitiful world!" At this point all eyes focused on the oven that seemed to be emulating a pulsing red strobe and smoking ominously.
"You see, this is why I hate Tuesdays," Percy signed in exasperation while casually walking to the oven and opening the door. "Hey Conner, pizza's ready!"
"Yeah, no, I'm not eating that Percy," the younger Stoll said, his jaw set in defiance.
"Oh, you'll eat it and like, even if I have to cram it down your throat!"
"Percy," Annabeth broke up the building argument as she looked from her dearest boyfriend to the pulsing pizza that continued to throw insults at the gathered demigods. "I think its one thing to try to get the Stoll brothers to eat a, potentially toxic pizza, its another to have them be possessed by an eldritch horror."
"Yeah, don't see the distinction," he replied, shrugging his shoulders, yet one look from his girlfriend made his realize consuming an all-powerful, Lovecrafitan elder god, maybe, possibly, potentially be a tiny, little, minuscule step too far.
"...and when I have sated my hunger on your pathetic souls, I will enslave the gods and rebuild this universe in my image..." the mad pizza continued to spout, yet no one seemed to be paying it a bit of attention.
"Fine, fine, freaking Tuesday..." the black haired teen mumbled, walking to the nearest fire, which just so happened to be the sacrificial flame, the very same one used to provide offerings to the gods. As the Cthulhu pizza continued to spout its rage and plans of galactic conquest, Percy tipped the plate and dumped the elder god into the fire. A scream of agony emerged from the sacred flames, followed by sounds of collective retching from the inhabitants of Olympus who had received said offering.
Percy glared at the sky before screaming, "There, I hope you choke on it!" As he walked to Annabeth, took her hand, and together, the two left the studio as he muttered, "Cooking show...what a stupid idea..."
–
A/N: So, updated this, my mind went a little weird, but this was actually how I planned to end it originally, with Percy creating a Lovecraftian abomination while trying to poison the Stolls. Anyway, hope you liked it, if so, please review. Next planned is Katie Gardner.