It had been seven years since Edward Elric had seen the gate. And he couldn't be happier about it.

Seeing the gate meant nothing but bad things, after all. It meant everything was in danger, especially himself. Not having seen the gate in that long was his own personal triumph, a reminder that that life was behind him now and he'd never have to go back. He liked where he was now, and he had no reason to want to change it, so why would he ever see the gate, anyway?

Sure, not having alchemy had been... rough to adjust to at first. There had been a time back when it had still felt like a loss where he had broken a plate and screamed when he had realized he couldn't fix it. But then Winry had come along and shown him why she loved doing what she did, how she knew how to take that plate and carefully glue the pieces back together and make it into something... new. Not broken, but not unbroken, either.

That had been the moment when Ed had decided to ask her to marry him.

Of course, it hadn't been exactly the way it had played out because he was still a stupid eighteen-year-old who had never been given a chance to properly socialize with his peers. But they had still managed to get where they wanted to go, building this life together. Even though Ed always felt like he was going to die of embarrassment every time Winry told the story of his proposal to someone else, he couldn't help but feel a warm spark in his chest at the way her eyes lit up when she told the story, how she would glance over at him and give him the biggest, most genuine smile.

See that happiness? He would say to himself. I don't know how, but that's because of you, you dumbass. Somehow, she's that happy just because she loves you that much.

Then there was Theodore and Azami. Somehow he was at least a little responsible for those two beautiful, intelligent little... miracles. He honestly didn't even understand how such great kids could somehow be related to him. But it was pretty obvious just at first glance that they were his kids, what with those same bright golden eyes. They were both bright and curious, but he had also seen them have moments where it was clear they had a strong sense of empathy and good morals. Somehow, somehow, he had to actually be doing something right.

Honestly, life was pretty good. Which made it all the more annoying that Ed couldn't quite place the nagging feeling at the back of his mind. It was like some sort of itch that he couldn't quite scratch, because he wasn't even really sure what was itching in the first place. He tried his best to just ignore it. After all, maybe it was just another bit of trauma bubbling to the surface, or maybe it was because his birthday was coming up again, and something about that always set him on edge for whatever reason. Whatever it was, Ed knew that focusing on it would just turn his life into chaos again, and since that was the last thing he wanted, he decided not to give the feeling any heed. His subconscious could work it out on its own.

The day that changed everything had started like any other day. Ed was up before anyone else in the house, before even the sun, all so he could walk into town and arrive at the market right as the farmers were opening their stalls, the sun just barely beginning to peek over the horizon. Then it was back to the house with an armful of fresh groceries for the day, breakfast already cooking by the time he heard Teddy and Zaza beginning to stir.

Making breakfast had become one of Ed's favorite parts of the day, since sometimes it was the last quiet moment he would have until everyone was in bed. Besides, it reminded him of all the times he had stumbled into the kitchen as a kid and his mom slid him a plate of freshly scrambled eggs before he had even thought about breakfast.

After the entire house had eaten, the house always turned to chaos, and Ed found himself pulled from one thing to the next without a chance to even think. Win always had a quick check-in with him over breakfast over who was supposed to show up for an appointment that day. She would go off to the workshop and start working on whatever orders needed to be finished, while Ed would sit with the kids, answer the phone, check in anyone who showed up for an appointment, and ran extra supplies to Winry whenever she called.

Then he would make lunch, feed the kids, put them down for a nap, and then bring lunch to Winry in the workroom so she would actually remember to eat at some point. He would always bring his lunch along as well (there was no eating food for yourself around toddlers), and they would chat while Winry told him about what she had been working on.

Back when he had stuck in Central waiting for Al to recover enough to handle the trip home and Winry had been stuck in Rush Valley finishing her apprenticeship, they had talked on the phone every other day. One time Winry had started ranting to him about something she couldn't get right with her current project no matter how many times she'd tried to fix it.

"Well, why don't you explain it to me, then?" Ed had said with a shrug, even if she couldn't see it over the phone.

"What? But you don't know anything about automail!"

"Yeah, that's the point. Alchemists do it all the time when they're working out a theory. Explaining something forces your brain to think about something differently. You're way more likely to catch your mistakes."

So she had explained her design to him, even though Ed had only the slightest idea what she was talking about. And sure enough, partway through the conversation, she'd had a sudden flash of inspiration and had hurriedly said goodbye to Ed so she could go try it on her model. When it worked, she had come back swearing up and down by Ed's model. She'd been telling him about anything she was struggling with in her automail ever since then. It was one of Ed's favorite parts of the day, seeing her eyes light up as she showed off her newest design to him, explained how adding a curve here could reduce the weight by 30%, thirty percent, Edward, that's significant!

But right as he was leaning over the blueprint, asking if adding a ball bearing there would reduce some of the wear and tear, of course they were suddenly interrupted from the conversation by the sudden giggling screams of a couple very awake children. They would always exchange that smile of "What can you do?" before each grabbing their coffee and going back to work. Ed would go take the kids and dog for a walk while Winry would sit and wonder if maybe that ball bearing idea actually had some merit.

And then the second half of the day wouldn't be much different from the first. Make sure Teddy and Zaza don't get into trouble, tell Winry when her clients show up, make dinner, remind Winry that she has to put the automail down at some point, please, put the kids to bed, and then chat with Winry over another cup of coffee as he waited for his nightly phone call from Al.

But that night, Al's call happened to be half an hour late.

"Would you stop glancing at the phone like that?" Winry said with a sigh as she stood up and took his glass. "I'm sure Al is fine. He probably just forgot to call."

"Al calls me every night," Ed said with a sigh. "He wouldn't just forget for no reason."

"I know," Winry said with a shake of her head, calling over her shoulder as she went into the kitchen. "Do you want a cup of coffee?"

"Sure," Ed grumbled, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. "I'm going to need something to stay up."

"You can go to bed, you know. Al would know he was calling later than normal, he wouldn't blame you for going to bed."

"Well, yeah, but I can't sleep when I'm worri-"

He was cut off in the middle of the sentence by the ring of the phone. Ed lunged for the phone and shoved it against his ear before it even had a chance to ring a second time.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Brother-"

Ed let out a deep breath, pressing a hand against his chest. "Oh, Al! Thank goodness! I was-"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I should have called sooner!"

"No, no, it's fine, I was just worried something had happened to you!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Brother, I didn't notice the time! I just got so distracted I didn't think-" Ed frowned as he heard soft laughter and clinking of glasses in the background. Was Al at some sort of party or something?

"I actually have something important to tell you," Al continued. Ed frowned a little and gripped the phone, wondering if maybe something really was wrong. After all, even if Al said everything was fine, he was still calling late. Maybe if it had been Ed calling that sort of forgetfulness would be normal, but if Al said he was going to call at a certain time, he didn't just lose track of time and "forget."

"Well, um," Al continued, and Ed swore he could practically see Al twisting his hands together just based on how nervous his voice sounded. "I actually proposed to Mei today."

"Oh." Ed frowned, his brain putting two and two together based on Al's disappointed tone. "Oh, Al, I'm so sorry."

"What? No, Brother, she said yes!"

Ed snorted and looked at the phone with a frown. "What? Then why do you sound so upset? That's great news, Al!"

"Do you want sugar?" Winry called from the kitchen. Ed grinned and put a hand over the phone.

"Yeah, thanks Win! Al and Mei got engaged!"

"Aw, that's cute!"

"Win says you're cute," Ed said, still grinning widely as he turned his attention back to the phone. "So when are you two moving out here, anyway?"

"See, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Brother. Mei's a princess, so-"

"Oh, right!" Ed said with a laugh. "So does that mean you're going to be a prince now?"

"Not exactly, but-"

"Well, what are you going to be if not a prince?"

"Brother," Al snapped. "I'm trying to say that we're not going to move out to Resembool."

"Oh." Ed blinked as Winry shoved a hot cup of coffee in his free hand. "So, what, Mei's got to wrap up loose ends or something first?"

"No," Al sighed. "No, Brother. She's a princess. She's never going to be able to finish up wrapping loose ends here. We have to stay in Xing."

"Oh."

Ed blinked at the phone, a long moment of silence passing between them. He could still hear the muffled sound of clinking glasses and laughter in the background, and it suddenly made sense. Of course people would be celebrating when a princess got engaged.

"But... I would never see you," Ed finally said, his voice coming out almost as a whisper.

"Ling says that if you and Winry would like, you're welcome to move out to Xing. He says he would prepare room for you in the castle... Winry could continue her automail business. And we would technically be living in the same house again."

"But..." Ed frowned and took a sip of his coffee. "We'd... We'd have to give up everything. This has been Winry's home her entire life. Teddy and Zaza would be living in a new country with a new language. All of Winry's clients..."

"I know, Brother. I'm so sorry."

"Well, what's the other option?" Ed said, taking another sip of coffee.

"Um... both of us staying where we are, living in different countries, I guess. We'd probably get a chance to visit you a couple of times a year, and then if you could come out here we could see each other a couple more times probably."

Ed's fingers tightened on the mug handle. "I always thought we would be able to see each other more often after we both settled down, not less."

"Yeah, me too," Al said with a weak chuckle. There was a slight pause before he added, "I'm sorry, Brother."

"No, no," Ed said with a shake of his head. "You have nothing to apologize for, Al. You love her. You absolutely should marry the girl you love. I'm happy for you."

"You are?"

"Yeah, of course," Ed said, cracking a grin that didn't reach his eyes. He put his coffee down on the side table next to the phone, then reached up and gripped the fabric of his shirt. "I never said congratulations, huh? Congratulations, Al. This is a big step. I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks, Brother," Al said with a deep sigh of relief, and Ed could tell he had been nervous that Ed would get upset.

"Hey, I've got to talk with Winry about what we're going to do, but why don't you just go enjoy yourself? It sounds like there's quite the party going on for you two. We'll get to talk tomorrow."

"Are you sure? You're okay?"

"I'm fine," Ed said with a snort. "Don't worry about me. We'll talk more tomorrow. You should enjoy yourself. Give your fiancée a kiss."

"Alright," Al said with a laugh. "Love ya, Brother."

"Love you too," Ed said with a soft smile, listening to the cheer of the party as Al turned away from the phone right before the sound cut off with a soft click.

"You okay?" Winry said. Ed turned around to face her, trying to crack a grin at her as a silent tear fell down his cheek.

"Yeah, it's fine," he said, right as Winry sprang to her feet and rushed over to wrap him in a hug.

Ed had been sure Winry would absolutely put her foot down and say no to the idea of a move to Xing, but once he had explained the situation, she was actually more open to the idea than he was.

"I mean, I would have to find someone who would be willing to take over here," she said, pacing as she talked. "This is the only automail place around for several cities, so I would hate for people to suddenly have to travel that much more just for some maintenance, but as long as there was someone here... Well, I could help build automail from the ground up in Xing. Do you know how exciting that is?"

"Okay," Ed said, gripping the fabric over his shirt a little tighter. His cold cup of coffee still sat on the side table. "But what about the kids? They'd have to learn a whole new language."

"Sure," Winry said. "But that's also supposed to be good for kids. And besides, better to do it now when they'll just soak all that language up like a sponge. It'll just get harder for them the older they get."

Ed's grip tightened a little more. The room spun a little. "So you think we should do it? You think we should just pack up everything and move to an entirely new country?"

"I think it would be good for us," Winry said, sitting down and putting a hand on Ed's arm. "And I especially think it would be good for you and Al. You two need each other."

"But I finally just made peace with having a stable life," Ed said with a groan. "Now I have to let go of everything we've built here and just... pick up and start all over again?"

"I never thought I would see the day," Winry said with a small laugh and a shake of her head. "Do you mean to tell me that the wild Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, actually wants to stay in one place and is scared of a little adventure?"

"I'm not scared!" Ed snapped. It felt like the room was closing in on him. "I just... I just need some time to adjust. I just... need to process things. I need a walk."

"Okay," Winry said, patting his chest and giving him a kiss on his head. "I'm going to get ready for bed. Don't stay out too long, okay?"

"Okay," Ed said with a weak smile, giving her hand a squeeze.

"We'll figure it out," Winry said, giving his hand a squeeze back. "I love you, okay?"

"I love you too," Ed murmured, and then she was off to take her end of day shower while he put on his coat and boots.

Outside was brisk, but it didn't seem to help much. Ed still felt dizzy, and that painful ache in his chest hadn't managed to go away, so he decided to go where he always went when his heart was hurting: To go talk to his mom.

Ed didn't really like believing in superstition, though he still wasn't sure what to believe after everything he'd been through. He still wasn't sure whether the Gate was proof an afterlife absolutely did exist, or proof that it absolutely did not exist. And he knew that a body wasn't the only definition of a person, and that therefore a person's remains were essentially worthless, because it wasn't like the grave where his mom was buried was actually his mom. It just happened to hold something that had once been a part of her.

But still, Ed liked feeling like he was able to keep her up to date on what was happening in his and Al's lives. He still wasn't sure exactly what he believed, even all these years later, but he at least knew that talking to his mom had always been deeply comforting. No matter what was true of the afterlife, talking to his mom's grave was worth it just for how much it seemed to help him. No other techniques had ever been able to work quite as well.

But that time, Ed had been sitting silently in front of her for several minutes before he finally found the courage to speak.

"I guess Al's growing up," Ed finally said with a sigh. "He's going to be getting married. And... And I don't really know if there's going to be as much room for me in his new life."

Ed's heart clenched again, and he bit his lip, pressing his hand against his chest.

It was then that he realized that the dizziness wasn't getting better, it was actually getting worse. And when he focused, it felt like his vision was a little darker, like someone was slowly fading out all the lights in the world until it would be only darkness. Ed felt a bit of panic set in at the back of his mind. Shit. Hadn't Winry once said something about being careful with dizziness and chest pain because it might be a heart attack and not just anxiety? Wasn't there something he was supposed to do?

Ed struggled to his feet, intending to run back into town, at least somewhere a little less secluded. But instead of staying on his feet, he got hit with a wave of dizziness, falling down in the grass.

He only had a brief moment to laugh at the irony that his mother's grave might be the last thing he would see before the world faded to dark.

In the next moment, the world was suddenly bright again. Bright and empty. Ed could no longer feel the ache in his heart he had just been feeling, but he swore he could feel his stomach drop to his feet. That is, if he even had a stomach here. He had never thought he would see this place again. Or at least, he had hoped that would be the case.

But this time he hadn't done anything worth landing himself here. Unless...

Unless this really was the afterlife. Unless he really had a heart attack just a few minutes before and now he was... Ed's head spun wildly. But what about Winry? What about Teddy and Zaza? He couldn't just leave his kids when they were still toddlers. Even his own mother had been able to stick around longer than that, he couldn't leave them, not yet, not yet-!

"Truth!" Ed shouted, spinning in the white space and desperately looking for a sign of something, anything. Where was the actual Gate? or was that gone because he had sacrificed it? Oh god, would he had had a few years more if he hadn't done that transmutation where he sacrificed a few years of his life? He hadn't thought he would only live to be twenty-three, goddammit! He had thought he had been shaving a couple of years off of something like sixty or seventy, not twenty-three. Was it just that he would have only lived about as long as his mom if he hadn't meddled?

"Truth please!" Ed screamed, his voice cracking on the words. "Any price you need, anything, please, I'll pay it! My kids don't deserve this! Please, I have to go back!"

In the end, it all boiled down to a single question, asked in that blank canvas of a space.

Are you happy with how it all turned out, Alchemist?

The answer was out of him without thought, before he'd even had a chance to know what he was saying.

No!

It had been four years since Edward Elric had seen the gate. And it was killing him inside a tiny bit.

The irony wasn't lost him. He could still remember a time in his life where he had honestly hoped he would never see the gate again. He had once associated it with everything wrong in his life. But now that damn gate was all that stood between him and home.

He couldn't even fully explain why he even wanted to go home in the first place. Theoretically, he had everything he had ever wanted. Al had his body back, and he even got to know Al was safe. Hell, they even got to be in the same world, which was honestly more than Ed had counted on. Sure, he didn't have his alchemy, or all the people he cared about aside from Al, or even his own language, but that seemed like a small price considering just how much he had gained. And besides, what use would he have for alchemy at this point, after he had pulled off the one impossible thing he had wanted his alchemy to accomplish?

But honestly, after seven years of mostly living without alchemy, it was still somehow driving Ed crazy. Perhaps it was made even worse by the fact that he'd actually had that one day where he'd had it all back, where life had felt... normal again. Which was crazy, wasn't it? He had been in the middle of a terrible thing happening, worlds colliding and people dying, and yet he had somehow felt like everything was back to the way it was supposed to be. Was that just how his life was going to be from now on, always feeling out of place with the quiet, normal lives everyone else aspired to? Was he always going to be itching for more danger, for another chance to throw himself into the thick of another problem?

Al said Ed was an adrenaline junkie. Ed wanted to argue with him about it, but he couldn't help but think maybe Al was hitting at some truth. Sometimes Ed wondered if he even knew how to live a normal life anymore. Did he only want his alchemy back because he associated alchemy with all the adventures that seemed to come with it?

And Ed knew that logically, the better thing to do, the safer thing to do would be to walk away from it all and just be happy here. It was the mature thing to do, and goddammit, he was 23 years old now, it was about time he started actually thinking and making mature decisions instead of only ever doing what he wanted.

And yet, despite knowing all this, despite him fighting and trying to be a goddamn adult, every night when he closed his eyes, he was back in Resembool. No matter how much he wasn't supposed to want it, it was still home, dammit.

At least everything was a little easier to bear when he actually had Al at his side. He was still in an unfamiliar world speaking an unfamiliar language and interacting with people who seemed like they should be familiar but weren't, but at least Al was there to understand just how weird all of this was. At least there was someone he could talk to about everything and not feel like they were judging him and thinking he was crazy. At least he knew Al was safe, okay, and alive. He felt like he could handle taking on anything as long as he knew Al was still okay.

Then there was Noah. He still wasn't sure exactly when it had happened, but somehow she had managed to become his best friend. Maybe it was because there were some things he felt like he could only talk to her about. For one, he didn't want to make Al worry or feel guilty just because he was homesick. And he definitely didn't want to put the idea in Al's head that they should try and figure out how to get home. And then there was also the times he had been hit hard with grief for Alfons. Al was sympathetic about it, of course, but it was also just... weird to grieve someone who had the same face as the person in front of you. And besides, Noah could actually sit and talk with Ed about memories she also had of Alfons. Something about that helped, so Ed had found himself turning to Noah more often than he would have thought a few years ago. And... She actually understood him. He had built his own little found family with her and Al, and it was actually... pretty comfortable.

Honestly, life was pretty good. Which made it all the more annoying that Ed couldn't quite place the nagging feeling at the back of his mind. He had done everything he could think of to try and satisfy the feeling, but no matter what he did, he still felt homesick, still felt that weird aching feeling for the crackle of alchemy at his fingertips again. Was this just leftover grief from missing Alfons? Was there perhaps a part of him that still hadn't learned freaking anything and was wishing for alchemy just so he could have a chance at saving Alfons somehow? Whatever it was, Ed knew that focusing on it would just turn his life into chaos again, and since that was the last thing he wanted, he decided not to give the feeling any heed. His subconscious could work it out on its own.

The day that changed everything had started like any other day. Ed was woken by Al nudging him awake and saying he should come get some breakfast before Al headed out to work. Al had somehow managed to land himself a job making automobiles, something that felt like a ridiculous expense to Ed. He wasn't sure how people could manage to think about things like buying a car when the country still felt like it was barely managing to limp along. It took everything Ed and Al had just to make sure they had enough to actually pay the rent every month.

Of course, that was partially as hard as it was because Ed hadn't been able to get a job like Al had. As uncomfortable as it made Ed, Al had an easy identity to slip into. All they had to do was cover up Alfons' death just a little bit and voila, Al suddenly had a full citizenship. Ed had never been able to have quite the same opportunity, considering his double's death had been all over the newspaper before he'd gotten back to this world. So Ed had to keep doing work under the table with whatever employers were willing to not care about his paperwork.

But unfortunately, those employers were getting harder and harder to find these days, and so Noah and him ended up out of work more often than not. So after breakfast was done and Al was off to work, he would grab his guitar and head out with Noah to wander around town trying to earn some tips.

The money was getting harder and harder to earn with every passing week. There was all sorts of talk about how everything was better now that inflation had been mostly corrected, but Ed didn't buy it. He prided himself on having pretty sharp instincts after years of living on the road and something in his gut said that things weren't over yet, that there was something bad, really bad bubbling just underneath the surface. He could hear it in the tones of some men at the bar when they talked about jobs and money. Ed still struggled to fully get a grasp of every angle of this world's politics, since he hadn't been raised here, but he knew enough to know there was something rotten lying in wait. And he was terrified of when it would finally break loose, when men would say these things openly with raised voices instead of in hushed tones with their buddies over a table of beer steins.

"Dammit," Ed mumbled, slinging the guitar over his shoulder and counting out the small handful of change. It wasn't nearly enough to even be the same as what Al would make for a day of work at the factory, let alone enough extra that he would feel justified in taking Noah out for a nice lunch as a treat. He sighed and shoved it in his pocket.

"I'm hungry," Ed muttered, hoping Noah wouldn't hear. She linked her arm through his.

"You know, I heard through the grapevine that the university is having a special guest speaker today," she said with a smirk. Ed turned to look over at her and flashed her a grin. Special guest speakers almost always meant special food being laid out in order to impress the guest speaker. It was a trick of theirs to slip in and get a nice afternoon of good food and maybe some sort of interesting lecture. They weren't technically students, but Ed knew too well how to slip in and pose as students without anyone asking questions.

The free food was always a welcome relief, of course, but Ed had also learned to appreciate the random lectures. Sometimes they actually hit at something he was interested in, such as the two-hour lecture on the theory of relativity (that Noah had definitely fallen asleep halfway through), but there were also lectures that managed to surprise him. One time he had accidentally found himself in the middle of what was apparently an all-day event talking about everything a person could ever hope to know about trees. Ed had expected to hate that one, but it had actually been so interesting that it became a fond memory for him. He and Noah had walked out of the conference that day babbling excitedly about how cool trees were, which wasn't something Ed had expected of himself.

The speaker that day happened to be talking about love from a chemical, scientific standpoint rather than a purely emotional one. It was interesting, but it was still a lot of information Ed already knew, having extensively studied how human bodies worked back in the day. Instead, he found himself watching Noah through most of the talk instead, how she clasped her hands tightly together as she listened, her eyes wide.

The small gesture made Ed smile a little, his mind flicking back to Rose and how she had clasped her hands the same way. Only Rose had been doing it in prayer, while Noah was doing it while listening to someone talk about science. Something about the irony of that stuck Ed funny, and he couldn't help but smile at her through the lecture.

Eventually though, Noah noticed his eyes on her and turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow in question. "What?"

"Nothing," Ed whispered with a wave of his hand. "It's just... cute how much you enjoy learning."

Noah gave him a smile like she thought he was being either ridiculous or amusing, or probably both at the same time. But she didn't comment on it, instead turning back to paying attention to the lecture. She scooted until her shoulder was pressed against Ed's, leaning her weight into him as they listened.

"That was so interesting," Noah said as they filed out of the lecture hall with the other students. People pressed against them on both sides, and Ed fumbled for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers so they wouldn't get separated in the crowd. Ed caught one guy a little older than him shooting a glare at Noah and her dark skin, and Ed pulled her a little closer to him as she talked, shooting the guy a glare of his own. Noah hummed and rested her head against Ed's shoulder with a smile. He glanced over at the clock tower while they walked.

"Al should be getting out soon," Ed murmured. "Think we should head back to the apartment?"

"Sure, let's go home."

They walked in silence for a little bit, Ed's guitar lightly bumping against his back with each step. After a minute of that, Noah paused in her steps, her fingers slightly squeezing against Ed's. He paused with her, frowning when he noticed she was looking at the ground with furrowed eyebrows.

"Noah?"

There was a long moment of silence as Noah stared at the ground, Ed reaching out to put his other hand on her shoulder.

And then she was suddenly a blur of moment, closing the distance between them and suddenly pressing her lips against his. Ed gasped against the contact, his automail hand squeezing her shoulder in his surprise. Before he could help it, his mind was flitting back to a golden ballroom, a girl in a fancy ball gown with pink hair begging him to dance with her, the moment where he realized that somehow he was going to have to let down this poor girl who had pinned so much importance on their relationship without him realizing it. Shit, it was all happening again. Why did the same things keep happening to him no matter how far he ran?

"Noah..." he said slowly when she pulled away from him. He was cut off by a finger being pressed against his lips.

"I'm in love with you, Edward," Noah whispered, finally flicking her eyes up to meet his. Ed shut his mouth, trying to swallow the lump that was suddenly lodged in his throat.

Ed felt the ground tilt a little underneath his feet, and he pulled his hand away from her shoulder to instead grip the fabric of his shirt, right over his heart. He couldn't bear to let go of her hand, though, and his mind swam with the possibilities. He had gotten familiar with touching her after years of being on the road together, but he still couldn't completely forget about how she had once seen into the deepest of his memories with a touch. She'd said it was more powerful when people were sleeping. Was it even more powerful when she was kissing someone? Had she been able to see everything he had been thinking about? All those painful memories he would rather forget and somehow even in a whole other world he could never completely run away. He was still stuck remembering these painful things, always wondering if Noah knew about them and was staying quiet to avoid upsetting him or if he had actually managed to hide his pain from her. Had she been seeing his memories about her double while she was kissing him? And if she had, what was she thinking about him now?

"You shouldn't love me," Ed finally croaked. "I'm a walking disaster. All I do is cause destruction and chaos everywhere I go. Loving me is dangerous."

"Love is dangerous," Noah said softly. "And I'm willing to take the risk to be around you."

"But-" Ed felt his heart squeeze again. "But I'm just going to keep being on the move. I don't even have any paperwork or anything. I-I won't even be able to get properly married."

"Why would care about that?" Noah said with a scoff. "I don't have any of those things either."

Ed stared at her for a minute, letting out a whimper as he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. Noah bit her lip as she watched him struggle to come up with any words. But before either of them had a chance to say anything, they were suddenly interrupted by a cheerful voice.

"Noah! Brother!"

The two of them turned to see a cheerful Al trotting over to them with a wide grin on his face. Both of them gave him a weak smile back, not wanting to let him catch on to their tension.

"Were you two heading home?" Al said, glancing between the two of them.

"Y-Yeah," Ed said softly, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck.

"Oh, good! We can all go home together!"

"Actually," Ed frowned and glanced at Noah out of the corner of his eye, biting his lip. "I was thinking I would make some potato pancakes tonight, but we're out of eggs. I'll meet you at home in a bit?"

"Oh, awesome! I love potato pancakes!" Al said, digging in his pocket and pulling out some money that he then handed to Ed. Noah opened her mouth like she was going to say something, then sighed.

"See you in a bit," she murmured.

"Yeah, we'll see you at home," Al said, glancing between Noah and Ed, his smile just a shade or two dimmer. Ed mentally cursed. Al had definitely noticed there was something going on between him and Noah, and he was probably going to be grilling Noah for details until the minute Ed got back home. Which meant that Ed needed to be clear on exactly what he was going to tell Noah and Al before he went home.

"Yeah, see you soon," Ed murmured back, making eye contact with Noah and trying to give her a small smile. I promise I'm not running away. I just need a minute to think. She gave him a small smile back and nodded to Al before they turned in the direction of home. Ed took in a deep breath and turned in the opposite direction.

He clutched at the fabric of his shirt as he walked, staring at the ground and lost in thought. He was half tempted to just sit down so he would have a moment of peace to think. He felt absolutely dizzy with this new information he was somehow going to have to process. Noah was in love with him. Whether he returned her feelings or not, having that out in the open meant everything was going to change now. Either she would leave with a broken heart and it would just be him and Al, or... Or what, he would return her feelings? And then what? They would settle down with a house in the country and have two kids and a dog? The thought made Ed's head hurt. Somehow even though it was the future he had always thought he would somehow end up at, it just... didn't feel right. Not yet. Not when there was still so much city to explore, so many new things to learn, so much adventure to still be had. So many loose ends to tie up. So many things he was scared to even talk about with Noah. He knew that she knew... Well, something about his life. She knew something about Al for sure, and some other things about alchemy.

Did she know about all the other details of his life though? Did she see things like how he had killed his own mother, not just once, but twice? Did she judge him for making that choice? And if she didn't know about it, would she judge him when she found out? Did she know about Winry? Did she know what Ed had been feeling and thinking during that brief reunion he'd had with Winry? Would she judge him if she knew how often he was thinking about someone other than her?

But at the same time... How would Ed ever be able to stop thinking about Winry? He'd never been able to wrap things up with her, at least not properly. He still didn't know where he and Winry stood, and he'd eventually had to just accept that he would probably never know. But would Noah be able to accept that too? Ed tried to suck in a deep breath. It felt like he couldn't get in enough air no matter what he did.

He was interrupted from his thoughts by bumping into a golden blur. He was just looking up to apologize for not paying enough attention, but his words got stuck in his throat as soon as he saw her.

Here he had been trying so desperately to find her, going from town to town, hoping that if Al's and his doubles had been around, then maybe, maybe there was a chance she was somewhere. He had been doing double takes of every blond girl his age for six years now, and of course now, now, at the most inconvenient possible time of his life was the time when he would find her. Because of course his string of terrible, absolutely ironic luck wouldn't stop just because he was in a different world.

"Winry," Ed breathed, the automail hand on his shirt tightening until he heard his knuckles creak. She looked at him with wide blue eyes.

"Ah! Entschuldigung!"

She said something else after that, but Ed had no idea what she was saying as a loud ringing in his ears blocked out all the noise. He was just realizing that something had to be wrong when his vision turned black and he could feel himself fall to the ground.

In the next moment, the world was suddenly bright again. Bright and empty. Ed could no longer feel the ache in his heart he had just been feeling, but he swore he could feel his stomach drop to his feet. That is, if he even had a stomach here. Here had been desperately wanting to see this place for so long, and now it came to him at a time when he was terrified what it meant.

Ed had already died three times before. He knew exactly what it felt like. And he didn't like what normally came with dying. Dying meant things had gone wrong somehow. It didn't necessarily mean everything was over, but it could mean he wouldn't see Al again. Ed let out a scream and sank to his knees, pulling at his hair.

"No! I just got you back!" he screamed. It felt weird in this place, to be able to scream like that without it hurting his vocal chords, to know that tears that would normally be streaming down his face just didn't exist here. In his desperation, he could oddly remember Al shouting something similar at him once upon a time, and the tears turned into slightly manic laughter.

No matter what they did, no matter how many times they gave up everything just to keep each other safe, somehow they always ended up back here. Somehow it always came back to this. Ed wasn't even sure exactly how he'd died, and yet he had somehow died again, and he and Al were separated again.

"Please," Ed whispered, his hands shaking as he held them up like some sort of offering. "Any price you need, anything, please, I'll pay it. I can't lose him again. I can't leave him alone again, not like this. Please, I have to go back. Please. Please."

In the end, it all boiled down to a single question, asked in that blank canvas of a space.

Are you happy with how it all turned out, Alchemist?

The answer was out of him without thought, before he'd even had a chance to know what he was saying.

No!

Let's call this a "Tumblr made me do it" fanfic. I saw a bunch of posts by ruinsofxerxes talking about a concept where BH Ed and 03 Ed keep having dreams of one another's lives, which of course, leads to chaos. Then this idea popped in my head and wouldn't leave me alone until I finished writing it.

Anyway, I was hoping to get further with this first chapter than this, and I even had more than this written up, it's just... I was realizing that this was getting awfully long, and it would probably be better to just break here for now instead. So no actual body switch reaction quite yet. That will be in the next chapter though!

By the way, I headcanon Ed as demisexual, so that's just what we're going with for this story. I think it fits pretty well with him being able to marry Winry in one lifetime and then Noah in another.