December 1989
The bitter cold of December gnawed at his cheeks as he's knocking back a bottle of beer.
Kurt Kelley was in a haze, not too drunk but enough to for him to be fairly merry. It was a nice kind of haze. But he knew his limit and another couple of bottles down him would have him end ass up on Ram's battered old living room sofa. And he didn't quite feel like waking up to a swarm of badly drawn cocks drawn on his face or his eyebrows shaved off like last time. The last couple of years of high school had taught him well.
He watched on from on top of the picnic bench table there at the back of the yard. It was quieter here, he was just under the dark where the trees shadowed and Kurt could hear a rustle from the branches above. He knew it was no doubt that owl that often came out. It hadn't shown itself yet, probably because there were so many people out at once. Kurt takes another swig and he's staring at a few of the semi-popular girls from his year group. They're dancing around, laughing and screaming as they're drinking.
Babycham to be precise, what a pile of lightweights.
These girls, Kurt knew but not too well. Ram probably knew them more since this was his party after all, but he did go out and just invite everyone to come along from school. And everyone by his standards simply and very strictly meant 'No nerds'. And the ones that did have the gaul to show their scrawny selves up at his door, those were the same that got tossed right back out the door and hit their ass on the curb.
That was how it had always been. Yeah, pretty much. Well, up until recently. Kurt had actually told Ram subtly to calm down, especially after what had happened to them and all. Thinking back to it, that day, out there in the Sherwood cemetery woods. The dark memory still sent Kurt slightly over the edge and sick to the core of his stomach, if he were totally honest. Things hadn't been the same, not really. But they try and carry on, it was the only way after all.
Kurt's long legs go from dangling over the edge of the table to being crossed. The table creaks and shifts as he moves, it was so old now. He couldn't believe Ram and his father still had it. For as long as Kurt could remember it had been kept here in the corner. Kurt has an idea why and it was probably because of the small get togethers Ram's mother used to host. Back when they were a family, back before her and Ram's father got a divorce.
Back when things had been better, happier.
Kurt's now watching a group of guys take hits, snorting and laughing at one another. One of them couldn't even blow out smoke properly and ended up choking. Amateurs, Kurt thought. Surely to god they could inhale and exhale a joint properly. Then his eyes trace the likes of a few of the guys from the football team, Kurt hadn't really bothered to talk to them again. Not after the crazy outburst the other day over a stupid comment. Honestly, there was a downside, well infact, many downsides to living in a small town and one was that word got around like wild fire.
Because the last thing Kurt had expected when he woke up in that hospital bed with drips in his arms, his chest covered in bandages, a breathing tube attached to him, was to later find out that he had been branded as the gay lover to his best friend.
Kurt snorts to himself at the memory, it had only been a couple of months ago too. He shakes his head and bites his lip. His life was beyond a low point right now and never did he ever think this would be almost as bad as the day his mother died. It wasn't really but when you have years worth of your reputation, your football career and status crumbled beneath your feet before you can even jump to save yourself. It hurt. Big time.
One of the guys from the team looked over in his direction and he's elbowing another. Brad and Adam. Kurt had never been able to stomach the pair of them anyway. They had always been such insufferable cunts. Brad because of his overbearing cockiness and sly little tricks he loved to pull with coach. Adam because not only was the prick new to the team but he had to try making jokes - ones which weren't even funny. And you had to laugh along with him just to make the little weasel feel better about himself. Both Kurt and Ram couldn't stand him.
Brad, the dumb blonde is belly laughing and looking his way. Adam had that look on his face, the one Kurt knew very well. They were bitching about him, Kurt rolled his eyes because how mature were they. The amount of times Kurt had to bear 'Hey faggot' over the last few weeks and 'Aw, is Princess Fruit-loops mad?" along side with 'Ram, come save Princess Leia over here. Her balls are turning blue!' jeered at him, was completely enraging. Because how dare they. How fucking dare they.
So rather than throw another punch like he had a week ago. Kurt instead gives them a one singular finger salute and that seems to do the trick. Adam holds his finger up back and so Kurt raises both of his hands instead now. It was childish but they soon lost interest, thank god.
Kurt went back to rolling his eyes and chugging down another few mouthfuls of beer. They weren't worth it, he decided. None of them were. There had been a time when Kurt would have been out there with the rest of them. Usually he got high at a kite, trashed up furniture at other peoples houses, made out with enough girls to the point that he couldn't remember their names in the morning. Got drunk as a skunk and passed out anywhere, usually with Ram at his side.
Or when some brave bastard decided to pull out the party games, Kurt never said no to a single one of them and usually ended up beating everyone. Either him or Ram, usually. Then someone would throw on the radio or put on a record, Bon Jovi and The Journey blasting up hard which had Kurt with Ram chanting loudly and the pair of them singing badly with the guys at the top of their lungs.
In the midst of the eighties, with hedonistic culture at it's height, teenagers lost their absolute shit at parties. So badly and not a single soul gave two hoots about the neighbours shouting at them to pipe down. Because at seventeen, you don't care what people think.
Only except now, Kurt did.
Kurt's stomach dropped at the thought of those memories. Those were supposed to be the best days of his life, they were. At one point. And now, after everything, they weren't. Kurt often felt sick these days and now he had an anxiety disorder. Looking out at everyone there having the time of their life from where he was sat. Kurt couldn't stop the green eyed monster within him coming out. He wished, longed and wanted to be like that again.
Seventeen and carefree.
It was the end of the eighties for christ sake. He really should be celebrating with the rest of them, have a little big fun and living it up. But Kurt couldn't and this was the last party they would have together because they were graduating soon. The weeks were creeping up quickly and Kurt didn't even know if he could graduate with decent grades because he sure as hell wasn't going into any football career. No, not that he had now taken himself out of the team.
He wasn't going to stand by and let them, the same brutes who he once actually deemed as friends treat him like utter shit. If they weren't careful, it would be himself coming into school with guns, drain cleaner and bombs next.
Kurt's eyes widened and he mutters "Fuck" under his breath.
He couldn't believe he had actually just thought that. He scratches at the back of his nape and shakes his head. He blames the booze, he was tired still and just drowsy. That had to be it. It was his medication that was playing mind games. He wasn't crazy, not like a certain somebody. Kurt closes his eyes tightly and then blinks quickly. Shaking his head again. There that was better.
He shouldn't have bothered coming here. But he always turned up, for Ram.
It was just what he did. Right now though, Kurt didn't want to be here. He would rather have stayed home, curled up in his sweatpants, smelly socks, drinking while playing his crappy Commodore 64 games.
Kurt then sighed to himself and he's gone back to drinking.
His mind wonders back to the last time he got fully drunk and that was only three months ago. Back in September. It had been a dumb idea really but going out into a cow pasture to get wasted just to tip cows had seemed worth it at the time.
Veronica, the new little addition to Westerburg High's popular clan, along with the trio of Satan's spawn that came camouflaged in three colour coded skimpy outfits, over-perfumed hair sprayed perms and more make up caked on than a clown. These three girls who were basically school royalty, had granted her a wish by allowing her to step into the kingdom of popularity.
Veronica had caught everyones eye and one nut job in particular.
She was attractive enough now that she didn't dress like Mrs Frump. The prettiness she possessed finally on show for the world to see and in the blink of an eye she became part of said trio. That former trio being named the Heathers, a narcissistic group of girls who trampled over everyone. Kurt had humoured them over the years, they got along fairly okay. But he had never thought too much about them if he were brutally honest. The stuck up attitude had never settled right with him or Ram.
But it had been a shame to hear that one of them died. The ringleader, little miss mythic bitch. Heather Chandler. Kurt still couldn't believe she was dead. Only at seventeen too. And all the football team had to offer rather than somewhat heartfelt condolences, between crude laughter was the snickering of 'Damn, why did god have to take such hot snatch?'.
At the time, Kurt had laughed along, boyishly. Immaturely. But now, after everything. He wasn't sure he could even make his mouth twitch if he tried. The thought of her death turned him even more hollow.
And she had been poisoned by drain cleaner too, what a way to go.
As for Veronica, she had been involved in that as well. Which made Kurt think back to the night at the cow pasture with her and Ram.
She needed a ride back home from some shit party in another town close by which they were all at since her other friends, those being the remaining Heathers. They had pretty much abandoned her and so, she ended up with them in Ram's tuck. Just her, him and Ram. All alone.
Now they had been drinking for most of the night and Veronica refused to stay in the car when she realised how dangerous the matter was since Ram couldn't help but drive in zig-zag motion. She ended up screaming at them to pull over so that they could sober up. And so they drove into a cow pasture, the one just on the brink of entering back into Sherwood.
Kurt grimaced to himself thinking back. The way he and Ram had been way out of line when asking her for a fuck.
They were drunk off their ass but it still didn't justify their actions that night. With Ram telling her 'You're welcome, you're won a football star' and Kurt himself telling her 'You've got a body like a maserati'. Before then telling her she was no longer ugly and nerdy, clearly upsetting Veronica. Then they proceeded to chase her around the pasture like idiots, with them being one hundred pounds heavier, bigger and faster.
Kurt knows it was wrong and she had every right to kick them down in cow shit. They deserved it, it was just Ram who had been bitter over it. But Kurt had done his best to tell him how creepy they acted and how it wasn't right.
There would have been a time, maybe a year or so ago when Kurt would have defended his actions. Laughed it off and blamed her because that was how he used to think. How any girl with a short skirt was pretty much asking for a good nailing.
But when Kurt thought back now, it was his old way of thinking, the way he used to be and act that had gotten him here. In this state of disarray, worry and overall being a bag of nerves. It was terrible and Kurt could not remember the last time he had gotten a goodnight's sleep either. Most nights had him waking up in cold sweat, jerking up panting or crying in his sleep. And he loathed being this way because Kurt like hell was he some little wimpy pussy. However no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop the night terrors or the public freak outs he had now in school.
Kurt was in school one day and not the next. His father no longer bothered to keep tabs on which day he was in and what day he wasn't. The school did call but it always averted to the home landline and his father was working. He worked too much and that was part of the problem, Kurt never saw much of him and it was like his father had been avoiding him on purpose.
Whether it was the rumour of promise that him and Ram were suicidal gay lovers, destined like Romeo and Juliet to take their lives young since the world was disapproving of their love or was it just because his father couldn't cope. Because what had happened to Kurt, it changed everything. Not that he and his father were even as close beforehand since they had always maintained quite a distant relationship. That was mostly due to the fact that Kurt's mother had passed nine years before when he was just eight.
And from then on, they strayed. No more family outings to the park, no more cook outs, no more camping trips, no more big family Christmas celebrations or at New Years eve. No more much of anything anymore. Ram had always been by his side though, that was one good thing. In fact, Kurt could not recall a time without him. They had grown up together, a few doors down the street from each other as well and they had been pretty much inseparable since.
But before entering Westerburg Middle School, Kurt had been a different person. It was only up until the second year that he had turned into a full on out bully with Ram at his side. It was easier to pick on those weaker than you, those uglier, nerdier, fatter. Not once had him or Ram thought about other peoples feelings.
It didn't matter to them, popularity was more than enough to bury Kurt's grief and pain. Having his eyes set on that fancy scholarship with his best friend at his side was everything he had been longing for because if he had that. Then maybe, maybe everything would be okay. Nothing would hurt anymore.
Kurt head drops down, his fringe flopping against his forehead. Guilt was the only thing he faced now because pointing out other peoples flaws had given him fulfilment and had helped during his grieving. Ram, well. He was naturally intimidating anyway since he had always been the taller of them both. Slightly broader and bulkier. Kurt was muscular but Ram was a full on out beast.
Still though, it was because of their horrid characteristics that had gotten them shot in the first place.
Which had gotten Kurt thinking during his time in the hospital under tubes, a breathing machine and too much sleep. He didn't want to be a bully anymore. Somewhere inside of him had awakened and died at the very same time.
And if this was the consequences of being a huge asshole, then it wasn't worth it.
Kurt swigs down the very last drops of his bottle and he's done. He wipes at his mouth and sighs aloud. Everything was currently very dismal to say the least and Kurt couldn't believe just how alone he felt here right now. At a wild party and it felt as if he were the only one here. Alone around a swarm of people.
Now he understood probably how most of the nerdy kids felt. But what was more annoying right now is just how normal Ram is acting and Kurt is bothered greatly that he doesn't feel the same horrific backlash as Kurt did. He ignored all the name calling from the team and weird stares they got at school. He carried on like nothing mattered.
It was weird how they had always experienced the same things throughout their short lives, they did everything together. Attached at the hip practically. Although, this was the rift between them and there never had been a barrier before. This was new, it was odd, strange and Kurt didn't like it. One bit and he hated that Ram was acting so casual about being shot by psychotic kid in a creepy trench coat.
Because who would've thought that the new kid, the mute in all black would have been the one try eradicating the entire school. Sure Kurt wasn't a fan of school at the best of times, hell. He had even been tempted to set the dump ablaze, in parr with Ram at his side because there were days when he couldn't be bothered with it either.
But actually attempting to blow up the school was a game changer. Planning a full on out terror attack was on a whole new level and one that Kurt had been kept up at night over. The kid was arrested and thrown in a sectioning unit now anyway so he wasn't coming back to Westerburg High anytime soon. Still, Kurt couldn't get the image of envisioning everyone being blasted up into flames out of his head. Being shot and seeing his best friend lay in his own pool choking had been enough.
Kurt wonders if this is why Ram was more laid back about it all. He didn't remember jack shit while Kurt actually witnessed him go down, like a deer or rabbit. Then he had been running for his life, panic in his ears, his heart almost stopping, using his dribbling skills like he would do in football practice, minding the twigs and puddles in his underwear of all things while he was being hunted.
Because apparently the idea of a three way between him, Ram and Veronica had been a very good at the time. Kurt hadn't taken much notice of her goo-goo gays at their said almost murderer during school. He should've known better. But it wasn't as if Ram would have saw since he was too occupied talking about football tactics with the team or flicking peas at some kid over on the next table though. Kurt had actually paid attention to Veronica and the crazy kid.
Hell, Kurt should have known the weirdo was trouble when he managed to knock him on his ass and actually toss a blow at Ram on his first day. That alone should have rang alarm bells because no one ever stood up to them. Especially Ram.
Now he only blames himself.
Cyndi Lauper comes on next, Kurt groans softly to himself. He seriously was not a big fan of her weird shrieking voice and 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' either. Hell, he wanted to have fucking fun. Because messed up in the head was no fun. Nothing was fun anymore.
Kurt is too lost in his own self misery that he doesn't take much notice of the heavy treading steps that make forth for his direction. He's got his beer bottle between his thighs, a small little hole on the inner of his crotch that he hadn't noticed. Annoying because these were his best jeans and he's still got his head bent down.
Even with his chin pressing softly against his chest, Kurt could still feel his wound. It was still healing and stung from time to time. The doctors told him that he may never fully recover from the shot, but they didn't mention that he may not ever get better from the trauma either though. And Kurt knows that the aftermath was usually the worst.
The steps got closer to him and Kurt already knows who it was once he heard them.
Ram didn't say anything at first but he takes a seat right next to him. The picnic table creaks as he clambers up and plonks himself down. Kurt could feel the whole table sway and god help if the stupid thing collapses.
Wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake, so that even more of their classmates could laugh their asses off at them both. Not only were they 'fags' but they were clumsy too, the scoop of the century people.
Kurt doesn't have to look to see what Ram is doing. He knows the way he sits and he knows very well that Ram is staring at him. Unlike Kurt with his legs crossed, all introverted and closed up. Ram has his legs wide open as his long legs table off the table. Kurt can hear him take a mouthful of beer and the 'gulp' next to him that follows, that's how close they were.
Ram's heat is radiating off of him and it's warming hurt up. It was nice if he had to admit it. Ram was always the sweatier and hotter of them both. Always the hungrier one, louder one and gassier one - if Kurt might add. Seriously though, are you really best friends if you can't handle each others grotty burps and eye-watering farts?
But Kurt had grown up around Ram in general to know his habits, natural scent and all his doings. And even though Ram carried on acting as if the worst of the worst hadn't happened a few weeks ago. Kurt can't help but take note on the fact that Ram was slightly different with him. He didn't know quite why though and it wasn't like them to bring up their weaker side often. That was their father's fault though. To be fair, their fathers were to blame for why they were like what they were.
Which might Kurt add to his long list was another reason he didn't talk to his father much now. Not just because he was closed off in general but Kurt hated that his father had raised a total prick. Partly why he was now depressed and on the brink of madness.
Kurt feels Ram shift his knee into his and the small brush was enough to electrify Kurt. He glances to his side to see what Ram was doing and he was busy looking over at everyone else. The itching feeling of a conversation was due and Kurt hadn't a clue what to say but he knows Ram will be the one to break the ice.
And it came quicker than Kurt had of liked.
"What's up your ass?"
Now it was Kurt who was drifting his gaze up at Ram who was avoiding all eye contact altogether. Kurt's brow knit slightly at the question because it irritated him just how casual his friend sounded. Unbothered, chilled, nonchalant. Nothing seemed to matter.
"Nothing" Kurt responded, his voice slightly quieter.
Ram nods, mostly to himself. He has another drink of his beer and then he's finally looking over his shoulder at Kurt. This was the first time tonight where they had actually been around one another. Kurt had actually snuck into the party, he knew Ram was having it but Ram had been busy with other people. Laughing, tossing open another pack of beers and joking around with a few other kids.
It was amazing just how easily Ram shimmied himself back into the crowd so effortlessly. Even with everything happening, the god awful rumours, the looks and gossip. The guy just carried on and on. When Kurt thought about it though, he had always followed Ram's footsteps. He had never been as confident. Sure, Kurt could take a hit, shout and fight back. He was just as crude and lewd but Kurt knows that without Ram, he probably would never have gotten with the crowds he had been involved with.
Like the Heathers, Ram was the leader and Kurt complied.
Ram is staring at him with those dark eyes, even in the shadowed part of the garden under this large willow. Kurt could see the way they glimmered in suspicion and he knew that look. Ram wasn't taking Kurt's aloof little facade into account at all. He knew something was up and could read him, easily.
"Bro" Ram said, his voice wasn't as gruff this time.
Kurt frowned and he turns away.
He then hears a sigh escape from under Ram's breath.
"Seriously, the fuck is wrong with you lately?" Ram began. Kurt closed his eyes, he didn't want to hear this. "You've been weird with me all night. Actually, no. Fuck it. You've been like this for weeks and I don't get it. I threw a party tonight in the hopes that you would actually hang out with me. And nah, you're here in the corner of my garden, hiding away like a little bitch."
That annoys Kurt.
He actually scoffed at Ram. This time Kurt turns his head to him and he's raising his brow in a sarcastic manner. Ram scowls back.
"A little bitch, huh? Damn. Okay, shit. Well, I'm extremely apologetic if I don't feel like playing a fucking game of seven minutes in heaven with a pack of sweaty sophomores, Ram. I don't want to hang out, I don't want to party, I don't want to even be here." Kurt snapped. Ram's scowl softens and he's lips go a jar for a moment.
He looks taken back, maybe even hurt. Kurt doesn't care. He looks away again, focusing his gaze on the broken swing that dangles off the tree. No one had bothered to fix it. But Kurt and Ram used to love playing on it as kids, fighting over who's turn was next and deliberately pushing each other off whenever they would do the pushing. Those had been the days, right at the end of the seventies. Their childhood had been a happier time. Their mothers were still around, annual cook outs in summer and everyone smiled.
As they got older they threw it over the branch and would watch it wrap around. Ram's father would always be the one to come out, red in the face, swearing and then untangle it for them.
And when it got old watching him cuss, scream and threaten to cut it down. That was when Ram and him would just stand on it together at kids, swing back and forth as they faced the opposite direction. Then see who fell off it first. It was dangerous but definitely worth it. Kurt had a whole trove of scars on his fore arms as proof from each fall, while Ram had the proof from half picked off scab scars when he would fall and scrape his knees.
Then when Ram decided to try help breaking the others arm just to get out of the pop quiz test they had in elementary school. Kurt hadn't revised a single damn question, nothing. He had asked for Ram to shove him off the swing as he got higher whilst stood up and although it didn't work. Kurt had ended up breaking the wooden seat in half instead and bruised most of his side in return. And scored a big fat ugly 'F' on his test too. Still, in spite of all efforts made, it had been fun. Ram got an 'F' too so it had worked out but Kurt knows he probably failed on purpose to make him feel better.
Even then, Ram was always leading and watching out for him.
"Then why did you come?" Ram asked.
Kurt started chewing at his lip. The nerves were working themselves up now and he could feel his stomach churn.
He feels Ram nudge him, this time it was deliberate, he wanted Kurt's attention. But Kurt wasn't giving him that and he could hear Ram bitterly kiss his teeth at him.
"Jesus Christ. If you didn't want to come, then you should have fucking stayed home. And left your damn attitude there too." Ram hissed. Kurt shakes his head and smirks, how rich. "All I wanted was to just chill with you, actually have a good time. You've been uptight, week after week, dude. I thought tonight would have mellowed you out, hell, wasn't I wrong."
The last parts sounded as if Ram were talking mostly to himself. Still it didn't matter, Kurt was going to answer it anyway.
Kurt nods. "Yeah, you were. You never asked me once if this was okay."
And so Ram pulls a face at this words. "What the fuck are you talking about? Bro, you're always down for this shit."
Only now does Kurt find it in him to glance over back at Kurt. He's got a look of hell hanging over him too. Kurt looks generally confused and a little hurt. But it was tough shit, Kurt thought. Ram is twiddling with his bottle of Coors between his fingers, waiting.
"Well not anymore" Kurt told him, finally, firmly. Ram's narrowed brow deepens, he doesn't get it.
Kurt could strangle Ram. He was so dense, therefore, he had to make his message clearer.
"I don't want to hang out with these people anymore" Kurt told him, desperation leaking into his voice. "I don't want the likes of the fucking team here, I don't want the cheer squad, those nasty little bitches from calculous or those shitty pricks from across town down at Easterberg High. Ram, I do not want it."
And Kurt is shifting, he's getting ready to go. But Ram clasps a hand on his arm, his grip is like iron. He's strong but when you felt the brunt of just how heavy handed Ram truly was for his age. It was shocking.
"Hey, hey, hey -" Ram chides, the worry is now in his voice. Kurt can't look at him because he knows he'll blow if he's pushed over the edge. "Dude, bro. Talk to me"
"Oh get off" Kurt mutters.
Ram's grip only tightens. He keeps Kurt in place, for now.
"No, I won't. Dude, hey." Ram shuffles closer to him, he's bending his head down so he could look at Kurt's face since he had it hung. "You gotta start talkin' to me, properly. I can't mind read, Kurt."
Kurt sighs. "I know that"
"So what is the problem. You don't like these assholes I called over tonight? Is that, just it?" Ram asks.
But Kurt shakes his head. "No, that's not just it. Not at all."
"Then what?" Ram grunts and he's now sitting upright, clearly getting tired of Kurt's childish strop.
Kurt sits up also now and he's glaring at Ram. "You never asked. You never once said to me if this was fine. You know I fucking hate school right now, Jesus. Every single time I step foot inside the place, I freak out. People stare at us, Ram. They talk, they laugh at us. We're a joke. And here you are acting like nothing ever even happened to us."
It was Ram's turn to glare and it cuts through Kurt. "How do you want me to act then?"
A split second or two of silence dropped between them like a bomb. With Kurt's intense impatient staring and Kurt's throat with a frog in it. He was almost choking on his words, he's looking into Ram's eyes. Desperately. His best friend should automatically just know how he felt. He always did, so what changed now.
"Like -" Kurt stopped dead. He didn't even know himself. How did one heal from almost being murdered? "I wish you would just act like you give a fuck about what happened!"
Ram leans back, rolling his eyes and he's shaking his head at Kurt's outburst.
"Oh fuck off doing that shit, rolling your eyes like you're a kid. Dude, we're fucking seniors. Grow up." Kurt mutters. Ram snorts at him and mutters 'fuck this'. Kurt heard it of course and allowed it to blow over him. "You lick all of those douchebags asses every time we set foot in school, they call you names, laugh, bitch. And you're just fine with these fuckers doing that? I mean, I just don't get it."
Ram then snaps out with "Because I want to move forward!"
Kurt's face doesn't budge from a picture of hurt. So that was it then, Ram wanted to forget everything. Although it was dark where they were sat there in the corner of the garden, Kurt can see the faint tinge of red rise in Ram's face now. He was getting worked up. But that was fine, he could. Kurt could handle it, he's dealt with Ram's anger before today. This was nothing new.
"It's all locker room talk, bro. Seriously, just get over it! Because, I am? We graduate soon, I'm trying to survive the next few months of hell. What the fuck else am I supposed to do?" Ram blurts out.
Kurt's teeth grit and he says "Fucking ignore them"
"How can I just ignore their bullshit? I don't take shit from anyone?" Ram argued.
"And that's the problem -" Kurt tried but Ram cuts over him. And so, Kurt rolls his eyes. This was becoming draining.
"You want me to ignore them calling me shit?" Ram tried again, his voice rising.
Kurt hisses with "Yes, I do. Graham, I fucking do. I mean, they call us 'losers', 'fairies', 'faggots', 'queers' -"
Ram looked surprised at his full name being used. Kurt only ever spat it out when he was deadly serious. It was only Kurt who actually was allowed to use his proper name and his father. No one else.
"And what? You want me to throw fists?" Ram suggested, abrasively.
The more Ram spoke to him in that tone, the more Kurt was getting agitated. He was trying not to say something he would regret and it wasn't easy since the pair of them had rotten tempers.
"That isn't what I am implying at all, damn. Dude, stop putting words into my mouth" Kurt mutters, scrunching up his face.
"Then what?" Ram pushed, his eyes wide and fiery.
Kurt is hypnotised by them all of a sudden. He's staring back into a deep brown abyss and under Ram's spell. The type usually the geeks or cowardly fools at school would surrender when Ram and himself would mug them for their lunch money.
Another thing Kurt took note on was how close they were. Ram was right up in his face, more than usual. It had Kurt's heart set off, every beat was a mighty thud and one he could hear his ear drums chime.
"I was us to drop them" Kurt says, he sounded so small right now. Weak, even.
A part of himself felt so ashamed, pathetic too, he knew how much Ram would laugh and blast jokes at him for acting the way he was. Any minute now. They never did touch feely feeling, heart to heart talks. If they ever edged near the likes of them, they usually joked around right after because as if any of them would be caught dead looking like a cry baby pussy.
But right now felt very different, odd. Kurt felt the atmosphere weigh down heavier as if they were on a new territory. And that scared him because him and Ram didn't speak as much as they used to since they got shot.
Ram's face fell sullen and he's twisting his lips. He's doing that thing where he's unsure and thinking of what to say next. Kurt watches his features, watching for any hesitance or any sign of a full on out rage. Because if Ram was about to explode, Kurt's house was only four doors down the street and Kurt wouldn't sit around to watch him make an ass out of himself. Kurt was bailing.
"Kurt" Ram said slowly, he inhaled a sharp breath. Closed his eyes and then exhales. Kurt could smell the liquor on his breath, it tickled right up his nose. "I can't just do that" His eyes almost look worried. Kurt frowns at him. "Listen, maybe you want to stay off the team and that's up to you. That's your choice, dude. But this scholarship... it's everything to me."
Oh, so that was it. Ram Sweeney still had his hopes high on becoming the next Jim Brown. God Kurt wanted to scream at him and tell Ram to wake up but it was just pointless at this point. And it was his dream, Kurt knew that. Out of the two of them, Ram had wanted the glory and fame way more. Kurt had always saw being a pro footballer for the NFL as a fantasy, he would never get that far.
Ram though, he was something else. Kurt could remember him, Ram and their fathers when they were kids playing in his garden. Their mothers still around, watching, cheering over glasses of wine and then calling them over for hot dogs.
Ram had always been the winner between them, Kurt losing easily. Ram had the natural ability to just tackle, run like a whippet, dodge robotically. A natural born leader. Kurt would notice this even as a kid and he was mesmerised by the talent of his best friend.
And it did hurt seeing his own father call him a 'pansy ass loser' at only seven years of age and give Ram the pat on the back. Ram's father holding his son up, screaming with him gleefully with such honour. Kurt's father would go back to his wife, sit down and ignore Kurt for the rest of the evening. Then Ram would shout at the table how he deserved the biggest hot dog or slice of cake since he was the winner. Not that Kurt minded, Ram ate way more than him. Even as kids. But it was the little things like that Kurt never forgot.
And sure, it made Kurt feel second best but seeing Ram smiling, squealing and happy, that cheered Kurt up.
He could be happy for him.
But right now, he couldn't.
"I know" Kurt said, quietly. "But doesn't any part of you feel bothered by the way they treat you? I can't take it. And neither should you. I mean, we're the mockery of the damn school. We used to rule that shit. And now..."
Ram nods, slowly. He was listening.
Kurt looks on for a moment, his eyes trailing on a few of the girls and the way they were dancing. The leg warmers on them looked ridiculous. If it was one thing Kurt wanted out of as much as school, it was the leg warmer fashion. The eighties could keep them.
"And now -" Ram repeated, his voice on edge.
Kurt swallows thickly and he's shakily saying "We don't and you can't accept it. So you go along, pretend that we were never nearly killed by some raving lunatic kid from the ass end of nowhere. Come back to school and there you are, going along with them like you're all still fucking friends. They're not your friends. They never were."
Ram never drops his gaze, he's waiting for Kurt's breaking point. He just knows it. And it comes like vomit because the next words Kurt says are "I'm your friend, dude. Your best friend. And you have yet to even check up on me since I woke up in the hospital. You barely come over, you don't drop by, you dance around me. Just like my shitty dad."
It pained Kurt to be so truthful, but he had to me. Because this was how he felt. Ram's lips were in a straight line as if he were holding back.
"Yet you can't even give me the time of day when I fucking need you" Kurt's voice wavered. Ram's brow furrowed and he's getting ready to say something. Kurt could feel his eyes sting, oh god. He did not need to try, not now. Not in front of Ram. They don't do tears.
However Kurt was getting more and more pent up with anger. He slams a hand down between them on the bench, the vibrations rattle the pair of them and Ram flinches back. Hurt didn't expect that, he didn't like that. But he had to get through to the idiot.
"You allow fucking piss-his-pants-can't-throw-for-shit Adam and shitty Brad to rip on you and you put up with that. I mean, why? Why go along and humour them with the bullshit?" Kurt says.
It was only then that Ram began to look just as pained. He looks up for a moment, his adams apple quivering and he's looking away from Kurt's judgmental gaze. Ram blew a small amount of air from his lips, as if he were trying to calm himself. He appeared more and more uneasy. Good, that meant he was getting somewhere. For once, Ram might actually listen.
Kurt continued to push, however.
"You let them call you a 'faggot', for fuck sake. I mean, c'mon" Kurt tells him, with more linage anchoring down in his tone. "When, I mean when. When have you ever allowed that to blow past you like it was nothing in the past, dude?"
Ram was biting his lip, he's peeling the label off his beer, fidgeting with it.
"Imagine if word got around to the colleges because this is a small town. Trust me, people talk. God help if one of the Heather bitches started up some rumour and the colleges actually thought you were gay. Dude, you've worked too hard, pulled out the sweat and busted your ass for some fucking rumour to ruin your life!" Kurt strained. His throat popping out a vein or two and he's eyeing Ram up. He couldn't even look back at him. Kurt's face goes into confusion.
Kurt expected a reply. Ram said nothing back though. He's got his head leaning to the side, he's looking into space and he's still biting on his bottom lip. It was a terrible habit, Kurt wished he would pack it in.
"Bro?" Kurt calls, sounding calmer.
When Ram didn't say anything again, alarm bells were going off in Kurt's mind. Why were things suddenly so off? Kurt studied Ram a little too sharply and when he ended up looking back to Kurt. It was the type of stare a child in trouble gave their parent or when a dog was in trouble for chewing up the cushions kind of look. That when it came to Kurt's mind, a light bulb popping. And all the shards were racing down to splinter right into his heart.
Kurt hesitated for another second or so before he sighs. He scratches at the back of his neck, his dark curls ruffling as he does and he looks terrified. Kurt arched up a brow, his intuition may just be right. Ram knows Kurt knew, he just did.
Between the pair of them, their heated stare and the defeating silence. Kurt had never heard silence quite this loud before. It was suffocating. Ram swallows again, worry etched on his face. He gives another small sigh, they sit there, still waiting for the truth.
And when it came, it most certainly broke that silence.
Kurt heard it loud and well despite Kurt pretty much whispering it.
And so, it came out.
"Maybe -" Ram lets out, Kurt heard the hesitance that lingered. But that didn't stop Ram, he exhaled once more. Kurt's heart was drumming wildly now. "Maybe, I don't care if they call me names, maybe I don't care if colleges find out." That was all Kurt said for now.
Wait, what?
Kurt's eyes widen and Ram is nodding.
He doesn't even break their gaze. Ram didn't seem to care, bold as ever. Even now. That was when it hit Kurt. Ram sees the realisation in Kurt's eyes because somehow his pupils go bigger. And that was all Kurt needed as confirmation.
"I mean, why deny it?" Ram says, then he chokes out a nervy small laugh. He then places the bottle down and he tucks both his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Ram shrugged and he's gone back to looking over everyone else.
Kurt had to catch his breath.
"Why bother lying any longer?" Ram pretty much whispers this part. Kurt heard though. Ram sounded quite embarrassed because admitting something as serious as this wasn't an easy thing to do. And Ram didn't do this soppy shit very often.
Kurt's eyes were still big. He wasnt' sure how to process all of this.
"Dude" That was the first thing Kurt could say and he hated that his voice wavered. He didn't want to come across as disgusted or bothered by what his best friend was telling him.
Ram now glances on back to him. His face didn't look as anxious compared to before. He looked more comfortable, relieved even. Kurt wonders how long Ram had been waiting to fess up. Clearly, he must have wanted to. If wasn't even challenging the pricks on the football team and held his ground. Yet continued to take verbal beatings against his sexuality.
Kurt was truly in shock if he was honest.
And he didn't know what to really say either.
Kurt didn't feel disgusted, weirded out or as if he would get queer cooties off him. If he felt that strongly about this matter then Kurt would have hopped off the table there and then. Bounced and never got back in contact with Ram Sweeney again.
Although it could just be the drink talking. Ram did have couple tonight from what Kurt had noticed. He could be just dribbling drool and playing it cool. But something told Kurt there was more to this than just drink. Oh, he knew.
Just to get it over with and save themselves the awkward silence that was looming back in over the blazing stereo blasting out Guns N' Roses. Kurt bluntly blurts out with "Ram, are you gay?"
It felt like forever when Ram finally nodded. Their eyes are still glued to one another and Kurt couldn't believe just how vulnerable Ram looked for the blink of a moment. As if he were going to crumble like a statue right before Kurt's eyes.
The last time Kurt had seen Ram in this state was when he found out his parents were divorcing and that his mother was moving to California. She got remarried a year later and she did invite Ram to the wedding. But Ram had refused to go, ended up putting holes through his bedroom door and Kurt had been the one to calm him down during his violent freak out.
That hadn't been easy, Kurt remembered how Ram's father got into a habit of drinking. It didn't last too long since his own dad had called him out on it and reminded him that Ram had already lost a mother. He didn't needed another parent gone. And Kurt had certainly not wanted that because that would mean Ram would've had to go live with his mother. Then they would have been split up.
"So..." Which was all that came out of Kurt. He rolled his tongue over the front of his teeth and then casually adds "Right, okay. So, why are you still on a team that mistreats your ass?"
Ram shrugs. His expression vacant. "Told you already, I won't be pushed out like some little bitch. You know me, dude."
Kurt hums. Did he really though? Because Kurt hadn't expected this slice of truth tonight.
Ram is eyeing him up, Kurt can see it in the corner of his vision. "Does this bother you?"
Did it? Kurt wasn't sure.
For the last god knows how long, him and Ram had always laughed at homosexuals. But Kurt had never gave them too much thought. His father wasn't approving, he knew that for a fact.
God, now there was the worry of his father finding out and he didn't need any more drama. Not after everything that had happened. It was a new school year and Kurt had been dished out more than he could take.
But when Kurt thought on Ram's question. Ram was still Ram. The same guy he had grown up with, been at his side with and hung out with through all currents of the ocean that they were drowning in as a teenagers. Ram was just Ram.
"Not really" Kurt replied, softly.
Ram's shoulders dropped. Kurt could only guess he felt at ease now knowing he was accepted.
"How long... have you known?" Kurt asks, briskly. He didn't know if this was okay or not to ask. He knew how fussy Ram could get when pushed over the edge. They were close though, so it should be okay.
Ram took out one of his hands from his pocket and began to tap his fingers against the table. He didn't answer at first, it took a minute. "Since I was probably twelve"
"That young?" Kurt was shocked. He's looking at Ram, surprised.
Ram snorts and gives Kurt a look. "Listen, dude. While you were looking at girls, I was looking at guys. I mean, at first I was fucking shitting it. I mean, I don't know anyone else who's even into dudes and this is Sherwood. But I can't change who I am. I thought maybe it was obvious... I dunno."
That was true when Kurt thought. Being the only gay in the village must not be easy.
"What do you mean by 'obvious'?" Kurt asks, his mind boggled. "Bro, you agreed to come with me and have a three-way, a gang-bang with Veronica? I mean, you've even fucked girls? I don't get it"
But Ram doesn't even appear bothered. "It is what it is"
Kurt cuts him a look. "So, what? You would've been down having a sword fight in Sawyer's mouth together?"
Ram sighs. "Every hole's a goal"
Kurt wants to laugh at that but no. This was serious shit. "Dude, be real with me"
"What do you want me to say, exactly? Sex is just sex. It never meant shit all with any of them!" Ram's getting defensive now and Kurt knew this was a bad idea to push forth. "I tried, okay. I tried to see if I could turn myself and be straight. But no - nothing. Guess it just doesn't work that way."
"I get it" Kurt said.
Ram shook his head. "No, you really don't. Fuck. This is why..." He groans aloud frustrated, then continues. "This is why I never wanted to say anything."
"I thought you didn't want to live in denial?" Kurt throws out.
Ram scowls at him. "I don't"
"Then why not just say something sooner to me? What, you wanna bone another dude? I mean, why would I give a shit who you fuck?" Kurt says back.
Ram's eyes narrowed at that.
"We're friends, what you do in the bedroom is none of my business" Kurt adds.
"Well, I give a shit what you think, alright asshole?" Ram barks.
"But why? I don't get it!" Kurt says back, his voice raising.
Ram sits up, making himself look bigger and his shoulders go broader. Kurt isn't moved by this gesture one bit, he isn't scared. He knows Ram won't do a single thing to him. This was just his defence, it was all for show when he bigged him self up.
Kurt is watching him, his face crumpled and bewildered. Ram was about to burst and Kurt was preparing for it. When Ram did he's all up in Kurt's face and Kurt has to shift his body to the side because the screaming will only hurt his ears.
"Because I've been in love with you for the past fucking five years!" Ram shouts.
The world stopped.
Everything came to a halt.
The party, the sounds of the tree rustling above them from the night's wind, the passing helicopter.
Everything.
Kurt tuned out and the words of his best friend were ringing in his ears still. He wasn't sure he heard right at first but judging from Ram's clear distress and lachrymose eyes. Kurt knew what he had just heard wasn't his mind playing tricks on him from the liquor or his bad sleeping schedule which was slowly catching up on him.
What?
Kurt remained staring at Ram with an expression he couldn't name. How does one combine shock, embarrassment, worry and the feeling of being terrified into one. Because Kurt certainly didn't know what to brand it as.
"I've been into you ever since I realised, alright? Fuck" Ram let out a heavy, jagged sob. Kurt's stunned mask warps into concern as he watching Ram pretty much melt into an unfamiliar mess. He's raking a hand through his messy dark curls, undoubtedly stressed for having this conversation - let alone coming out. "And you never even knew, dude. You never..."
With that, Kurt was lost for words. He had never thought in a million years would they be here having this conversation. Getting shot was one thing and Kurt knew that was a higher chance since there were many raving lunatics who owned guns these days. He could tell the next decade was going to be all fun and games in regards to teenagers carrying guns. Especially after what he had experienced few weeks ago.
But for Ram, his Ram. His best friend to tell him he's actually into him. Like that. If anyone had ever told Kurt this was going to happen he would have laughed and told them to fuck themselves, there and then.
This pretty much changed everything between them now.
Kurt didn't know what to feel, everything was so complicated. He was still incredibly depressed from almost dying, his father not giving a fuck and being picked on at school. His grades were god awful and everything felt like he was drowning. Now this?
Quietude places itself between the pair of them again. Kurt sat stiff as a board with his heart racing, cheeks flustered and in shock. Ram next to him who had gone back to peeling the label on his beer, jiggling one of his legs purely out of nerves and probably a coping mechanism to help him get through this.
Kurt shifted his attention back to the others who were still partying. A few of them were dancing but everyone was now just sat on the grass either drinking or smoking. He was glad none of them had come on over to ask why they weren't joining in. But they were probably that drunk and high now that none of them had taken any notice.
It was Ram who spoke next, finally breaking the smothering silence.
"It's cool if you don't feel the same way" Ram softly tells him.
Kurt's heart skipped.
"I don't expect you to" Ram adds. "But I guess, now you know"
Yeah, that was true. Now Kurt knew.
Ram continued to talk and Kurt was glad for it because he honestly couldn't get a word out right now. He was still processing it all.
"Dude, I know you care and worry about what they're saying. But I can handle it, y'know? I always have. I'm a big boy." That was also true, out of them both. Ram could take a beating or an argument better than Kurt.
"And when they come at me with their bullshit, I just tell them their cocks aren't even worth sucking" Ram snickers at his own words.
Ram could stand his ground and be up for retaliating back. Not Kurt though, he usually burst a gasket or ran away from the situation. Just like he had when they got shot.
He ran away.
And left Ram alone to die.
That memory will never leave him and it'll haunt him until he croaks. Maybe that was another reason Kurt felt so much anguish. Another reason why he was so depressed. Guilt riddled in his stomach and he couldn't get it out. Yet Ram loved him anyway.
It wasn't right.
"What those pricks throw at me, I shake it off. They don't matter to me. You on the other hand, loser. You, matter to me." Ram projects his gaze back to Kurt and he even gives Kurt a little nudge into his shoulder. And Kurt's cheeks were blistering hot just from that alone. He was glad it was dark where they sat. Thank god Ram couldn't see.
"And another thing, I know you're beating yourself up about JD and that day when we got shot. I get it. But I don't remember anything, dude. I really don't. My ass passed out. You on the other hand -" Ram tells him, Kurt finds it in him to meet Ram's eyes and they're twinkling when he does. Ram had this small smirk, the one that Kurt knew best. Ram was cheering up some and trying to make light of the situation kind of smirk.
But Kurt really wished that Ram didn't use that bastard's name. Kurt was trying to forget it the best he could.
"But you, you saw everything and that's gonna affect you more." Ram told him. He shuffles slightly closer to Kurt. Not that he minded much though. "You think I haven't been paying attention but I actually have. I just didn't wanna bring it up and have you cry on me"
Kurt's lips twitched into a small smile. "Like a big hairy fat walking pussy?"
"Precisely" Ram chuckled.
Kurt has to laugh too.
"I'm here" Ram told him, sternly. Kurt is looking into those eyes of his. "Got that?"
Yeah, Kurt understood. He got it. He gives Ram a curt small yet shy smile. Which was weird because Kurt never was shy around him. Never this awkward, at least. He wonders if they had just opened a door to something or another.
Ram was still gazing deeply into his eyes and Kurt did the same. He wasn't sure what to exactly say. But the sound of someone letting off a firework. The screech and loud bang of it had Kurt yelping terrified, then scrambling for dear life in his place. He's almost toppling off the picnic table and Ram is flinching too but he's grabbing on to Kurt so that he didn't fall backwards.
"What the fuck!" Kurt cries, immediately shaken.
The sound of gun fire bounced back in his mind. Now he was a nervous wreck.
Ram had hold of him closely though. His arm wrapped around his lower back and he's pulling Kurt up with the weight of his strong shoulder behind Kurt's back. Ram turns his head to the direction of where everyone was cheering and laughing among themselves.
He shouted at them but they didn't hear. Ram shakes his head and figures that it's best he calls it a night soon. Everyone could send their asses home. He wasn't having it if they were going to be blasting fire works off in his garden. He didn't even see anyone bring them in either. Fucking assholes, they were so inconsiderate since they all knew that both him and Kurt were shot.
Kurt adjusts himself and he's nodding to Ram saying he was fine. But Ram didn't look moved at all. And so Kurt steadies himself on the table and he's letting out a ragged shaken breath. He needed to get a hold of himself.
"Don't worry dude, I'll kick them out in a few" Ram assures him.
But Kurt was still looking fairly nervy. He's looking back into Ram's eyes and waves him off. "I'm fine"
"You're not" Ram tells him.
"I am" Kurt argued
"You're not. I know you, Kurt. You don't have to... lie to me." said Ram.
Kurt shook his head. "Leave it"
It was then when Ram placed a hand on Kurt's wrist. It wasn't tight but it wasn't weakened. Just enough for him to bare.
And they were back to locking eyes again. Deeply.
Kurt took note of just how close they were because Ram's face was all up in his again. He's under some sort of spell from his best friend and Ram looked captivated. Kurt didn't understand why though. Why was Ram looking at him like that?
Although Kurt was bewitched by those brown eyes. He figured out why sooner rather than later.
Ram didn't hesitate to hold back his feelings any longer and perhaps he misjudged Kurt's longing stare in match of his own. Because the next thing to happen was Ram coming up so close, very close. Ram closed his eyes and Kurt's vision was basically just Ram. And he's aiming for Kurt's lips and Kurt went stiff as stone. The thought of fireworks no longer in his mind or the sound of gun shots.
Ram's lips locked with his own.
They were kissing.
Kurt's mind was screaming when the realisation was kicking him up the ass. The two of them were kissing. Well, Ram was kissing him, Kurt wasn't kissing back. He didn't know what to do or how to act on this.
One thing Kurt knows is that this didn't feel the same as it did with a chick. Kurt was used to kissing girls and Ram wasn't a girl. No, he was a dude and he was his best friend. But Kurt knows that he doesn't hate the feeling of being kissed by him.
It doesn't feel disgusting, it doesn't feel too weird and it wasn't awful. God, Kurt did wish that Ram would do something about his stubble just under his chin. Either grow it properly or shave it off, loser, Kurt thinks.
But Ram's lips were softer than Kurt had ever given them credit for. They were slightly chapped but still velvety. Kurt knew his own probably didn't feel near as nice since he had a bad habit of chewing them. Now more than ever since he had been under stress and his anxiety worked up most days. It was just that Kurt hadn't ever imagined that Ram's lips would feel this way.
He didn't know what what to make of that. Did he like them or not?
During the short time that Ram lips were puckered against his. Kurt's lips remained flat and unmoving. Seconds passed and he could feel Ram shift. The hand that was on his wrist now moved to his upper arm. But as Ram slid his hand down, little by little, Kurt's stomach began to brew with nerves. They tangled and knotted up until Kurt couldn't it anymore. The feeling was making him nauseous. And quite light-headed too. Kissed and fireworks were out to get him tonight.
And so the stronger the sensation inside of him built the quicker Kurt pulled away. As he did he moves back, away from Ram who was left in place with his lips still plumped and his eyes now blinking open.
Kurt remained startled from what had just happened between them. Ram looked more confused if anything and a tad hurt. But Kurt hadn't expected this. Everything right now was too much for him to condone. He couldn't be kissing his best friend like this. Especially at a party with the same people who were calling them every name under the sun.
"Dude" Ram let out.
But Kurt continued to stare at him in a way which had Ram looking equally unnerved.
"Why did you do that?" Kurt merely whispers.
Ram drops his eyes and he's sighing. "I just thought that..."
Kurt scoffs at him. "That I wanted it? Just like how I wanted this fucking party? Wait, was this some sort of ploy you planned to get me into bed? You know how I feel, yada-yada. Pep talk me about feelings, finally step out of your closet you've been hiding in for the last five years and then try to fuck me?"
Now it was Ram who was sneering. He laughed as he did, as if he could not believe Kurt right now. "Yo, where did that come from?"
"No" Kurt says, his frown deepening. "You do not get to do that to me"
"Have you heard yourself?" Ram mutters.
Kurt wasn't sticking around here any longer. He was going home. He's getting up from the table top and hopping down. Ram does try to keep him sat down by tugging on his arm to come back but Kurt elbows him away.
"Kurt" Ram tries. But he's ignored.
Once Kurt is back down on the grass, he's pulling up his jeans from being sat down too long and zipping up his jacket. Ram watches him do, grimacing. Kurt ignores his stare and he's tucking his hands into his jacket.
"Just leave it" Kurt tells him.
And with that Kurt is turning his back on Ram. He's halfway down the garden and passing a swarm of people from school. He didn't need them, any of them. His mind was ringing, heart pounding and he could not be around this. Not now.
A few of them are calling for him to join in with the keg when Kurt is back inside as he's passing through the kitchen. The place was a mess, the flooring covered with muddy foot prints from being people in and out of the garden. Counter tops were just littered with beer bans and bottles. Chips opened, half trodden on the floor or all over. At some point someone must have broken one of the wine bottles because there was shards everywhere which floated over a pool of red.
The whole place was trashed. Kurt knew Bill, Ram's father was going to have a field day when he came back. Usually Kurt wouldn't have gave a hoot over the mess at a party. But now, it all just felt so - immature. So pointless, so stupid.
And Kurt usually would stick around to help Ram clear up. But no, he could do this alone. He organised it and invited every Tom, Dick and Harry to his house. This was on him.
Kurt leaves the kitchen and he's diving down the busy hallway. He looks to the side and sees that the living room was jammed packed full. There was a time when Kurt would have been right in there, making noise and a total ass out of himself. But not now.
Never again.
He could never be happy.
A few people were making out, some were dancing and others were on the stairwell sat down passed out. Just as Kurt makes it to the front door, he's opening it and leaving. But before he can properly leave he feels a hand on his shoulder. He knows that touch, he knew who it was.
"I said leave it" Kurt cusses.
Then he's turning on his heels and he's back to facing Ram.
Ram didn't look himself. He's brow was knit together and his eyes were glassy, angry but scared. He knows he's crossed a line here. In fact, if Kurt was honest. Ram looked more shaken up now than he had done when he were shot.
"You can't just bail on me" Ram tells him, desperately. Kurt frowns at his tone. This was getting stupid now. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just kissed you like that. I know you're not -" Ram stops, he looks elsewhere, just not at Kurt. And he's back to rummaging a hand through his hair nervously. "Oh fucking hell... fuck!"
There were a few people outside with them, they were staring but not paying too much attention. They go back to their drinks and talk among themselves. Kurt is staring around at them, self consciously.
And Ram can see this. He can see Kurt dread the thought of other people knowing about their little secret. And it hurt.
Kurt's brow and palms were sweating like crazy. He had to go before he had a full on out panic attack. "I'm gonna head on home, Dude. I can't stay."
With that Kurt is running down the steps and down to the side walk. He then races over the road to his side.
Ram did call out for him again but Kurt hurried on off down the street. He lived a few houses over across the way and Ram watched from his front door as Kurt fled. After watching him head up the steps to go inside, Ram decides to go back in and call off the night.
Once Kurt got back home he's in his house, locking it and rests his head against the front door. He lets out a choked, jagged sigh.
It was around two hours later after showering and picking at the chicken tender leftovers in the fridge, did Kurt bother to look out of the window from his room which was at the front of the house. So from his bedroom, Kurt had a view of the street.
Where they lived in Sherwood wasn't too bad. It was ten minutes away from their school, a little further out from the town, not that there wasn't really much to do as a whole in Sherwood anyway. Sure, it wasn't the fanciest of neighbourhoods but it wasn't a slum either. All the houses nested on top of small hills and steps lead up to them. Nothing posh. Just a standard Midwestern street.
Kurt was looking out into the street, his reflection bouncing back at him. He hadn't bothered to thrown on a top, he's there in his sweatpants. His hair was still wet, fringe clasping to his forehead. Kurt didn't have the energy to dry it though. Hell, showering had been enough effort and he wasn't doing enough of that these days either. Even hygiene was too much of a bother.
But when he was on the team, Kurt never missed a wash after practice. Back when things were good.
Kurt reverts his view and he can see the scar there in his chest from the bullet. A painful reminder of his reality and another newsflash that he had lived. Kurt heaves out a sigh. A part of him wished he hadn't lived. If this was his life now, what a waste.
He's then looking onwards to the street and there was a handful of people from the party still sat outside Ram's place. Kurt knows that either he had passed out by now and would clean up tomorrow or he's sat drinking his feelings. It was one of the two.
Still, all the lights in his house were now off. Kurt hoped he wasn't sat in his room drinking, alone and miserable.
God.
Had tonight really happened?
Kurt then looks back at himself. He comes back in his view and he's staring at his lips. His bedroom light shone against the glass and he's got a clear view of them. Kurt goes to touch his lips, he's tracing them gently. He can still feel the kiss from earlier because his lips were still tingling, even now. And the full picture of Ram in his view lingers in his mind from earlier.
The kiss hadn't been bad.
Not at all. But Kurt just didn't know, he didn't understand it or anything anymore. Ram's feelings only added to his despair. Because Kurt didn't want to even be alive, he didn't want to be here. And knowing Ram was living like normal, as if nothing had ever happened, heading forth first as he always did. All while taking homophobic insults, bullying and still was trying to get a scholarship.
He was brave.
Something that Kurt wasn't.
And here everyone was telling them both that they were so alike. Practically the same person, nope. No, they weren't.
Kurt mentally bids Ram a goodnight, he's then leaning up from his window sill and he trudges tiredly over to his bed. Almost tripping over his dumbbells as he did so. But it was fine since he was heading face forwards down anyway.
As Kurt falls on to it, the bed bounces and then still. He didn't have much energy left but somehow found some to make himself turn so that he was on his back. He wasn't even the right way up, not that it mattered. Him and Ram often crashed in any position on either of their beds when they were due to pass out.
Kurt then nudges his foot to his walkman over on his nightstand. He thought if he could use his toes to grab the wires and tug it on over then it would work. Well, it didn't. Instead he sits up like a normal human being and grabs it. When he does, he's lay back down again. He's slipping on his headphones, then goes to press play on the walkman.
Then he realises one thing, the tape was fucked. Rolling his eyes with a sigh, Kurt takes out the tape and remembers how he forgot to wind it back up. Sighing, he tosses the tape aside, he'll just grab a pencil later and wind it back up. No biggie. He slips off his head phones, tosses them and the walkman cassette too on the over side of the bed.
If he had the energy he would've gotten up and flicked on his Brooklyn Boombox.
Kurt didn't though, instead he's lay with his arms above his head, he's staring at all the posters lined up on his ceiling. All the eyes of the Cincinnati Bengals stared back at him. He had a Karate Kid poster that needed taking down because - gay. And all the bands he currently was into.
The Cure poster glared back when Kurt's attention went to it. Jesus Christ.
No wonder he was destined to be doomed with depression.
However, it had been a real bastard to pin them up there, so it would be a shame to get them down. Ram had helped that day as well. Infact, Ram had helped with every little thing here in his room. From getting his old bike chained up on one of his walls, a shelf up so that his helmet and ball had a place. Plus some of his old baseball bats from when they used to play at the park as kids. Tons of memories were littered around his room and they were all mainly, mostly, with Ram.
Ram had always been there.
Kurt sighs faintly through his nose and he turns to his side. Even the walls were judging him now.
He reaches up for his lips again and touches them. He can't help it. Kurt continues to line them until he's slowly drifting off. With the night on his mind, the dumb party, the school, the murder attempt and now Ram being in love with him. It was enough to not want to wake up again. As Kurt closed his eyes, he could feel a tear slowly dribble down his nose.
These feelings of self hatred, loss, neglect and confusion all came at once. This whole sexual awakening was crazy.
Because Kurt knows if he really did try and give it a chance. Lay down his amour instead of putting up a fight against his best friend. He could be a little bit happier, that was what Ram did to him. That was how natural it was around him.
And Kurt hated that he didn't mind.
But it just could not happen.
Ram could never know.
Yet it still killed him that he was going to do this to the pair of them.