DARCY'S BAR

Deputy Liv and Asta are visiting Darcy at the bar.

ASTA:

'...and then this Colorado police hussy tried to leave the doctor's office quietly like no one could hear them. They must have been at it for at least ten minutes. Ellen stared her down. I think she was just jealous.'

DARCY:

'I swear so many weird things have happened lately since Harry arrived, and now, with fake Dr. Ethan going to prison I feel sort of famous!'

Asta giggles.

'I mean, I was the next recruit for Dr. Ethan! The sociopath that goes from town to town impregnating wives and then disappearing. I was his last conquest as he heads to prison. I'll live in his head as the last one. The one that got away!'

DEPUTY LIV:

'You know, they say sociopaths with abandonment issues recreate their childhood scenario and can't get past it. It's like a pattern.'

DARCY:

'Well I'm just here to celebrate his taste in fertile ladies!'

Asta holds an invisible microphone as if she is announcing an award.

ASTA:

'...and the Patience Colorado winner of the mostly likely to score with a sociopath goes to... Darcy Bloom!'

Darcy reaches out and takes the imaginary trophy.

DARCY:

'Thank you! Thank you! I have so many things and people to thank.'

'First I'd like to thank deodorant and alcohol. Without their masking abilities I wouldn't be the woman I am today.'

'My mother, for teaching me to find the good in all people, and my father...whom I never met, but I still see a little bit of him in every conquest.'

ASTA:

'You have very twisted objectives.'

DARCY:

'I think you should hook me up with Andy.'

ASTA:

No! That will not happen! He would NOT be good for you, and besides, he is leaving town soon.'

DARCY:

'Like you know what is best for me. At least I don't claim people are from outer space.'

Deputy Liv looks puzzled, and then looks down to her drink to act like she didn't hear the comment as the others smile.

HARRYS MOTEL ROOM

Andy and Harry are sitting on their beds in their tiny motel room with the television playing.

HARRY NARRATIVE:

'Life in the motel with Andy is like raising a child with no supplies. I just wish he would sleep more than me.'

'I do not understand what Trevor meant when he said he would send me my stuff.'

'He really only brought my clothing in a suitcase. Trevor did not send over the refrigerator, the microwave, my cell phone, the cable television or even the internet computer. Fortunately I have Andy's phone to do internet searches and call for pizza delivery. Living in a motel is almost like living in the woods.'

'Did you know that some televisions do not even have Law and Order available on-demand all of the time? The woman at the front desk says this is normal.'

'As a result, Andy has not been able to even begin mastering human interactions like I have because he spent so much time with the radio and watching TV commercials. Perhaps this is for the best, it is another good reason why he must travel back soon.'

ANDY:

'More Pizza!'

Harry quickly grabs Andy's head and turns it toward the phone to unlock the phone using facial recognition. Andy seems very used to this. Then the phone rings.

HARRY:

'911. What is your emergency?'

ASTA:

'You found a new TV show, huh Harry? Listen, Grandma Ruth is having her birthday party at the diner. Come join us!'

HARRY:

'I can't go!'

'I can't leave Andy alone. I fear if I did he would somehow burn down the place or impregnate a harem of tenants. Apparently he is quite the alpha male.'

Andy is seen in the background squeezing all of the toothpaste out of the tube and watching it carefully fall to the floor. Clothing and pizza boxes are spread all about the room randomly.

ASTA:

'Bring him. It will be fine. I promise friends of yours will be friends to the family.'

HARRY:

'He still can't communicate. There is no rewind on this TV remote. Maybe we could sit him alone in the corner.'

Andy is riffling through Harry's duffle bag like he is searching for gold. He sees the device and pauses, and then smiles and nods as he pulls out the can of shaving cream.

ASTA:

'Yes, he could sit back there and play songs on the jukebox for us.'

HARRY:

'Great. That's a task to keep him busy!'

ASTA:

'He doesn't have weird taste in music does he?'

Andy is shown massaging a head full of shaving cream in front of the mirror. He sprays some in his mouth, has a gag reflex and then starts trying to dig it off his tongue with a hand that is already covered in shaving cream.

HARRY:

'It doesn't matter. It will be a completely random sampling of the jukebox. He can't read a word of English.'

ASTA:

'Perfect! I will see you soon!'

Harry hangs up and runs out of frame as there is the sound of a loud crash with Andy grimacing in pain.

DINER

A 'Happy Birthday Grandma Ruth' sign hangs in the diner with the large family congregated at the corner table and a neighboring one. Dan is still working the kitchen while Mike helps his dad to their usual table and a few other customers are peppered through the diner.

MIKES DAD:

'So I know you think I'm going to give you a hard time, but life is too short. I suppose you are going to spend the rest of your life giving yourself a hard time. I suppose that's my fault in a way. I just want you to know I am proud of what you've achieved. When you get older you realize these things. I want you to know I am proud of everything you've become.'

Mike is tripped up by the finality his father speaks in.

MIKE:

'What kind of Hallmark television shows have you been watching? Are you sure those pain pills aren't working like they used to?

The camera pans away to follow Jay walk to the next table.

JAY:

'I hear it's time to get menus. So here you go.'

GRANDMA RUTH:

'...and you should have seen his look of surprise when I picked up the case of water at the store.'

The groups laughs approvingly and happy for her newfound health. Asta smiles and notices Jay heard most of the story, and then sees Harry and Andy come in the door.

ASTA:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this party would not be possible if not for the brilliant work of one man; Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle! Come join us Harry!'

The group cheers and chants "Harry! Harry! Harry!". Harry raises his hands in approval of the praise.

HARRY:

'To the 59!'

People seem puzzled with how that was in any way related as Harry and Andy continue to walk to the booth against the wall with the jukebox. Harry lays down a very large pile of quarters on the table and teaches Andy how to play one song at a time from the jukebox. Andy randomly selects the first song and it is a crowd pleaser. ('Sweet Caroline')

Happy with the very popular song selection, Harry proudly joins Asta near the table, but does look back and lock eyes with Andy so he can tell Andy not to sing, even when the others do.

GRANDMA RUTH:

'You didn't tell me you hired a DJ.'

ASTA:

'Well, this is his first gig.'

Jay approaches the family party as the diner's waitress.

JAY:

'Okay, I've got your orders, but how will you all be paying?'

HARRY:

'I will pay. I will pay.' Harry says and laughs in a celebratory mood.

The crowd chants 'Harry! Harry! Harry!' again.

HARRY NARRATIVE:

'I do not know why offering that this is such a big deal. All I have to do is give them the black card from my wallet and it is done. What is the big deal in that?'

GRANDMA RUTH:

'So Harry, I hear from Asta that Jay is great worker.'

Andy drops in more coins and carefully select the same song again. The group seems irritated, but does not acknowledge it. Harry seems puzzled by the changed response and tilts his head back and forth to the music showing his appreciation for the song he thought they all liked.

GRANDMA RUTH:

'So Harry, tell me, is Jay a good worker?'

HARRY:

She's the best assistant I've ever had.'

Jay seems surprised by Harry's comment.

'She is so honest, even when I'm being a douche bag. We all miss her!'

Everyone laughs, and Jay smiles and blushes awkwardly.

GRANDMA RUTH:

'Oh-no, it sounds like their might be a 'Jay labor shortage' somewhere.'

DAN:

'Now why did you have to start that? I like her being here!'

Dan smiles and looks over to Harry.

'Hey Harry, what do ya say we arm wrestle for her?'

ASTA:

'Okay, Okay. I won't watch that again! I think we should let Jay decide.'

Jay is beaming with pride. Feeling truly accepted for the first time in her life.

DAN:

'What do you say Jay?'

JAY:

'You are asking me before I've been tipped?'

HARRY NARRATIVE MONTAGE:

'Having a meal with Asta's family almost made me feel like I was a part of her family. I truly cared and respected everyone there, even when some of them were complete morons.'

'I guess that's what being a family is all about.'

The song ends and Andy jumps up to add more quarters. This time he first speaks, perfectly mimicking a radio commercial he has heard.

ANDY:

'Do your floors creak? You could have termites. Call the exterminators who care. Kaboom has been in the heart of downtown Patience for 89 years because we know the only good pest is a dead pest.'

Andy then speaks in an alternate radio voice.

The weather now in Patience is 31 degrees with a low tonight of 20. But right now I've got the song you've all been waiting for...'

Andy pushes the buttons on the jukebox.

'Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond! Eat it up Patience!'

The group groans in unison. Dan looks closer at Andy, realizing he is and is not the same person he loaned clothes to.

GRANDMA RUTH:

'I've never heard of a DJ that did his own commercials.'

DAN:

'And now it's time for some cake!'

Jay is carrying a large cake with a lit candle to the table as someone from the bar is talking to Andy. Grandma Ruth blows out the candle and the group applauds.

ASTA:

'We are going to need a butcher to cut that cake.'

Dan pulls out a big knife with a stack of plates while Harry is worried about the so-called conversation Andy is having with his visitor.

Harry is distracted by the man talking to Andy until Jay approaches him.

JAY:

'Your card was like declined. Do you have another card?'

The family is quietly surprised with this turn of events.

HARRY:

'What do you mean? It always works.'

Harry pulls out his wallet to return the card to it's place.

ASTA:

Have you been paying your bill?

HARRY:

'What is that?'

The table laughs as if he is intentionally being funny and joins them in an awkward laugh.

'Look at me. Can't they just tell I am a good person?'

ASTA:

'Said like a white male.'

Harry scans his wallet which has multiple cards on it.

ASTA:

'Use the one that says 'bank'.'

Harry notices the man has given Andy a business card and walks out of the diner.

GRANDMA RUTH:

'This is such a wonderful party! So nice to get out and see the world.'

She looks at Jay and smiles and Jay smiles back.

'What do you say we all go bowling next?' and the group laughs again.

Sheriff Mike hears the comment and is growing frustrated by his father's health situation.

MIKE:

'I'd beat everybody's ass in bowling! Especially the grandmother! I'm telling you that right now.'

MIKES DAD:

'I'm sure you would.'

The whole diner recognizes that the song is nearing the end as Andy is busy collecting his next set of quarters.

MIKE:

'You play that same damn song again and I've got a gun! I never wanna hear it again!'

Harry looks over to Andy and their eyes lock, and Harry tells him to play a different buttons, Andy does and the diner cheers and the camera fades away with a long shot of the diner.

AT THE CABIN BASEMENT STAIRS

Small feet slowly make their way down the wooden stairs down in the basement.

TREVOR:

'Carry three up here please. I don't want to go back down there.'

BRIANNA:

'Okay!'

Brianna goes down the steps to get some frozen bison meat.

She lifts one package that is very cold and sets it back down. She looks around and takes the rag off of a red and white cooler under the stairs to carry the frozen packages.

The camera closes in on the red and white cooler.

ARRAINGMENT HEARING FOR ABIGAL

Mike is standing in the courtroom addressing the judge.

MIKE:

'...and I'd also like to speak to the character of the man. Sam Hodges was not just a man, he was a father to this town. He was my doctor, my father's doctor...and doctor to most everyone here. He served his duty honorably for over 30 years. Mayors and Sheriffs may come and go, but there is no replacing Sam Hodges. He was kind and just. A hero to all. If his job required elections I think he'd would have won all of them, maybe even a couple as a democrat.

I was not in favor of his stance on Funyuns. I mean, how can you get all worked up about something that is so light? At the gas station I feel like I'm practically buying a bag of air. You probably exhale most of it just through normal daily breathing if you really think about it.'

JUDGE:

'Is that all you wish to add to the record Sheriff?'

MIKE:

'Yes your honor.'

JUDGE:

'Abigail Hodges, you are being charged with murder in the first degree. How do you plea?'

'Abigail's lawyer is standing up with his back to the judge as if he is just waiting for his spotlight. He has a skin-tight, shiny gold suit on with a matching gold tie which we see when he turns around.' [played by Will Arnett]

ABIGAILS LAWYER:

'All - day - long - my client pleads 'NOT GUILTY' your honor!' (Cheesy smiles all around the room as he begins pacing.)

'I am just a country lawyer. Just a guy, just like you...' he says pointing around the room.

'Or just like the guy that eats from the garbage bin behind the restaurant at night. I am not some cheesy lawyer being hired by a millionaire white female client who happens to have a life insurance policy that would make her several millions of dollars richer. No sir, I am not a handsomely overpaid puppet hellbent on tilting the scales of justice unfairly like some bogus corporate tool. No, I want just one thing, and that is... (making air quotes) "Justice For Abigail".'

The lawyer looks directly into the camera, tilts his head to the side and delivers the next line:

'Hashtag Justice for Abigail copyright pending...'

'Crime. What is a crime? Having an affair is not a crime. Motive is not a crime. I have motive to sleep with the patients in the pregnancy ward at the hospital, but some days I don't even try.'

The lawyer surveys the room with his eyes to see if he has gained their approval, and he has not.

'Oh wait!'

In a last ditch effort, the lawyer fumbles to find and then unfolds a piece of paper from one of his pockets.

'Lastly, the type of botulinum toxin present in Sam's blood was not the same type that Abigail has in her shop. The 'density and dilution tracers' don't match the product that she sells. Furthermore, the batch that was used hasn't been made in decades. To have a batch of this stuff today you'd have to have been a research scientist involved in the initial trial phase, and then you must have kept it refrigerated for decades.'

Mike looks disappointed, realizing he has likely arrested the wrong person.

MOTEL ROOM

Harry, Asta and Andy are in the mess of the hotel room. All of the towels are piled up in the sink.

ASTA:

'So, this is the new home.'

HARRY:

'Home? Only for the week I hope.'

You can't show we have a good relationship in front of Andy. He needs to leave tonight. I have to keep anything liquid away from him.'

ASTA:

'I understand. I'll look mean.'

HARRY:

'I want to find out what that man had to say to Andy. Just a moment.'

Harry and Andy lock eyes and Harry begins to communicate.

HARRY MINDMELD WITH FOREIGN CAPTIONS WITH ANDY:

'What did the man at the diner say to you?'

ANDY:

'I don't know. I smiled and it made him go away.'

HARRY:

'Can you restate the conversation?'

ANDY:

'Sure. I really hope we go back soon. That was fun! I am good at Jukebox. I am good at doctors office more!'

HARRY:

'I understand that, but what did he say.'

ANDY:

'He walked up to me with a big smile and just started talking to me.'

A flashback to the conversation happens with Andy voicing both parts perfectly.

DINER FLASHBACK

MAN:

'You certainly have a knack for that! I work at the radio station and recorded that commercial.'

ANDY:

'Interesting.'

MAN:

'Why, if I didn't know any better I'd swear you voiced that commercial. The guy that did it just moved to Kentucky.'

ANDY:

'Interesting.' while he smiles big and the man gives him his business card.

MAN:

If you can come into the station on Friday we have some work for you.

I just can't help but offer you the job.

ANDY:

'No, you can't write!' said with a smile.

MAN:

'I'll see you Friday. Come by any time!'

The man walks away as the flashback ends.

BACK IN THE MOTEL ROOM

ASTA:

'Wow! He's like a human recorder. He is an extra set of ears in another room. Your motel remote may not rewind but he certainly can.'

HARRY:

'I guess he is, but he has to return to explain why I am staying here or they will only send more.'

HARRY MINDMELD WITH ANDY:

'We must end your 'unique human training' now and have you leave tonight. That man will come looking for you soon. You must leave before it is too late! I will use your device when it is safe for me to leave. You stay here, I will prepare the ship.'

Harry takes the radio station business card from Andy and throws it in the trash. Then he grabs his duffle bag as he and Asta leave the room.

HARRY MINDMELD WITH ANDY:

'I will be back in ten songs. Prepare to leave.'

Andy is left alone and looks saddened. He looks to the trash can, takes the card out and puts it in his pocket.

OUTSIDE THE MOTEL

HARRY:

'Asta, I need you to drive me to his ship.'

ASTA:

'Okay, let's go. I have half a tank of gas.'

ASTAS CAR DRIVING ON AN ISOLATED ROAD

The car drives up to the military base.

HARRY:

'Okay, stop in 100 feet.'

ASTA:

'Jesus Harry! You hid a space ship at the military base?'

HARRY:

'Yes. This is where secrets are kept. If some actually found it they would not question why it was there. These people operate on a 'need to know' basis.'

ASTA:

'That's actually very smart.'

HARRY:

'I know. It is what I am best at. Okay, you need to leave now.'

Harry jumps out of the car with the duffle bag and begins to cut the hurricane fence at the corner of the base's boundary.

Once inside the base, Harry looks feverishly for his device in his duffle bag as he discovers Andy has put pizza crusts in it, but he eventually finds it.

He uses the device to turn off the cloaking. The now-visible ship is located in the middle of a small pond at the corner of the military lot. The ship's entry path extends to his feet, he runs into the ship and flies to the field across from the motel.

MOTEL ROOM

Andy is sitting three feet from the television and is absorbing it with great fascination. A commercial for skin care is playing. Harry rushes into the room.

HARRY MINDMELD WITH FOREIGN CAPTIONS:

'Okay, take that box of pizza with you. It might be your last. You can take those leftover tacos too.'

(The word "TACOS" is properly spelled out the same way in the foreign captions.)

The two leave the room and begin walking to the ship across the street.

'Tell them of my narrow escape. I will use the final device once the Reptilian threat is gone.'

'Until then, these humans have cracked our inboard communicator, so do not communicate with mission control. Tell them of our heroics only after you arrive. Their men in black intelligence agency seems to be listening to our radio messages.'

ANDY:

'I will go, but then I will come back. I like it here.'

HARRY:

'No, it is far too dangerous.'

'Your first step is to explain that the Reptilians are all laughing at us. We must stop giving them human planets. Perhaps you can return as an assistant, but only then.'

ANDY:

'I am good at this. The jukebox and the office.'

ANDY VOCALIZES A TV COMMERCIAL:

'Are you tired of those saggy bags under your eyes?'

Harry interrupts...

HARRY:

'There are a surplus of these talents in humans. Go! Now you must go!'

Andy walks away into the spaceship like a loyal soldier and flies away.

HARRY NARRATION:

'Is it strange to be sad about his departure. Only two hours ago I was trying to stop him from eating the soap, but I will miss having a fellow traveler around. I can only hope that his departure will redefine what success if for my mission.'

.

'On the next fake episode of Resident Alien'

Harry becomes a good doctor.

The DNA lab test results come back for the second foot.

Real Andy returns.