A/N: thank you to everyone who reviewed on my first story! Let me say there is a trigger warning for SELF HARM (CUTTING) AND RAPE (MENTIONED) and swearing. This is rated M. Please don't read of SELF HARM triggers you in any way.

disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, if I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfics.

Chapter 1: Just for You

Derek had left her.

Derek had cheated on her.

In the end, it was all well deserved, she guessed. She had cheated first, he got revenge.

But it wasn't.

She sat in that hotel bathtub for God knows how long, crying, whimpering, sobbing. She felt broken. She felt numb.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to sleep but all she could picture was Derek and Meredith fucking eachother.

He'd never treated Meredith this shitty.

...

Addison had left the bathroom momentarily to call in "sick", but Richard, being the chief and Richard understood and granted her permission to take they day off.

She stood in front of the full length bedroom mirror, staring at her figure.

Maybe she had gotten a bit bigger than she had been in New York.

No wonder why Derek left you for Meredith, look at yourself. She closed her eyes.

Look at it, Addison.

She stared at right breast, placing her hand above the place where Derek would kiss her goodnight. And know you're alone.

She grabbed a piece of fat on her arm.

This wasn't there before. You did this. Bitch.

She shunned the mirror, licking her lips in an attempt to stop her tears.

"God-Fucking... Screw you! Fuck you! I hate you Derek Shepherd! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Addison belted out before falling to the ground, her cries overtaking her.

"I fucking hate you..." She whimpered, before a loud pounding was heard on the door.

"Miss uh- Montgomery-Shepherd? Is everything alright?" She didn't reply. Another knock. "I'm Toby. Tobias Sarmadi. Could I come in?"

"I'm good," the redhead whispered in the somber voice. "Oh. Well, okay then. I'll leave." She heard the retreat of footsteps and she rose from the carpeted floor.

Addison made her way to back to the bathroom, pick up a razor on the counter.

Derek's razor.

She picked up the metal object careful.

Why are you scared? You're a fucking double-board certified neo-natal surgeon.

She flipped off the cap. She raised the razor blade before pressing it down on her arm.

Blood dripped from her arm, falling into the usually pristine sink. She sighed in relief.

Just one more cut. And another.

In the shape of an A.

This one is for you, Addison....

The next day, she got ready for work and made her way to Seattle Grace. Now she was with no one (she would've asked Richard for another day off, but she wasn't that weak).

The day had gone surprisingly well so far, not encountering Derek or his intern. Alex Karev seemed to have potential- but then again, she'd thought the same thing about Stevens.

She had just discharged her patient, and she sat down on the stool, sighing. I need to cut.

She eyes the pair of scissors on the table, picking it up and pressing it to her skin.

"Hey, Dr. Montgomery?" Karev swung into the room, and she dropped the metal object from her hand. "What, Karev? What is it you could possibly need from me?" Addison breathed out angrily in one quick huff.

"They're re-admitting Esther Joenseung. She's had a miscarriage."

Addison stoop up from the chair, rushing out the door. "Hey, Montgomery!" Karev shouted again, and she whipped her head to him. "What Karev?"

"I know Mer's my friend, but what she and Shepherd did was wrong. You deserve better."

He doesn't know all the things that you got an abortion, or about Mark, or the rape.

"Thank you, Alex." and with that, she made her way to the ER.

...

"Addison!" Derek yelled, waving for her to come over. Sh ignored him, skillfully avoiding his McDreamy eyes. He grunted before jogging over to her in the parking lot. "About the prom-"

"It's okay,"

"Addie, I'm sorry. I want you back." The neurosurgeon begged. Addison froze. Thus was the chance to get the love of her life back. She trailed him, paying attention to his breathing, his eyes, the way he had begged her to stay.

"Meredith rejected you, didn't she.