Warning: Depictions of self-loathing

'How can you act so calm about all this? Why? Why am I the only one you're saving? You've got so much power Homura-chan! If you plan to let all the others die... then it'd be better if you didn't save me...!'

'...you're a liar. Your eyes say you've already given up on everything. You're always saying empty words.'

'How can you even call yourself human?!'

'It is human emotion that created the demons.'

'You, Homura Akemi, are a demon!'

'Worthless!'

'Good-for-nothing!'

'How many timelines have you gone through? How many more will you go through? Have you seen what you desire in the dark paths through which you have walked?'

The young girl opens her eyes, these voices and more going through her head. Every moment she exists, she hears them. She hears them as if they are in the apartment with her, rather than fragments she remembers from long ago. The disadvantage of a good memory is when you remember the terrible things you have done, what everyone thinks of you for that, and know you will never forget it. This, to Homura, is one of the many curses she must bear.

Homura forces herself awake, cursing her body for giving out once again. "I'm...immortal now. So why does it hurt?" But she knows exactly why it hurts. Exactly why SHE makes it hurt. The hunger. The exhaustion. The agony of her mind fighting itself. She does not enjoy the pain, but that does not stop her from wanting it. To her, this pain is only a fraction of what she has inflicted on the world.

Homura feels like a zombie as she walks towards the restroom. She splashes some cold water on herself to try to make herself more alert. Then, her eyes go to the mirror. The demon has to suppress the urge to retch. All she can think is, 'How can anyone be delusional enough to think I'm beautiful?'

While she convinced herself glasses and her twin braids made her look 'bland', without them, to Homura, all her worst qualities were on full display. Pale skin, almost gray, and even paler now. The shadows under her eyes, a reminder of why she tries so hard to avoid sleep. She sees how thin she is, and she remembers a fragment from so long ago. Friends. Cake. She shakes her head. "No. That will never happen again."

The demon gazes into her reflection's violet eyes, a different shade than she's used to, but a reminder of what people thought of her before she met Madoka. The weird, bookish, quiet girl with a stutter. Bitter laughter escapes her. "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Though she is better at hiding behind her mask, when not even the Dolls can see her is when that mask crumbles.

As always, when she remembers the past, she remembers...that night. The night that changed everything. 'No! Stop! You'll tear me apart!' The voice vivid in her ears, and Homura powerless to stop her past self. When God is split in two, light blinds her. When she comes to, she sees her own reflection glaring at her.

"I hate you," Homura growled at her reflection. As she said this, the Dolls grew louder...and the part of her that wanted none of this with them. "I hate you!"

Over and over, she repeated it, each time louder. Angrier. By the last time, she couldn't control herself. She took the nearest object, a brush, and she threw it as hard as she could at the mirror, if only so she wouldn't have to look at herself anymore. However, when that was done, her manic anger faded, leaving her with feelings that always threaten to crush her. "I hurt her..." Tears started to fall from Homura's eyes. "I hurt all of them. I hurt everyone!" She starts to cry. "I'm a monster!" She curls up in the bathroom, sobbing at it all. After a while, she wipes her tears, takes a deep breath, and picks herself up.

"I may be a monster, but I'll still do whatever it takes. I will save her. Madoka deserves it. And if she wants me dead, if that's the only way to set things right..." Homura flips her hair, her earring glowing for a second. "So be it. Madoka, this cycle will end. I will find a way. You won't have to be in pain anymore..."