- Chapter 1: Genesis -
I walked through the shadow of the valley of death, and I feared no evil.
"gEt baCk hERe yOU hOly frEaK!"
Okay, okay. I might've just lied. In reality, I was sprinting through the graveyard at full tilt. And while not quite on the level of full blown fear, I definitely was feeling a tad bit stressed by the current situation.
I pocket the recently emptied bottle of holy water, which I hadn't realized had been my last until just a few moments before. Barely ducking under a set of wickedly sharp claws, dripping a disgusting crimson, I sigh heavily.
Fuck me for not paying the exorbitant price holy water cost nowadays, huh? The goddamn (forgive me Father and all that) money grubbing bastards at the Vatican seemed to be raising the price every year, putting chumps like me more and more in the red.
Eh, I guess I had to just make do. As usual. Spinning around to face my attacker, my eyes widen as I am forced to leap behind a gravestone, the unpleasant warmth of the fireball passing just overhead. I quickly pat down the rest of my pockets.
Hand-me-down Bible? Check. Steel cross necklace? Check. Candy-bar? Forgot I had this, but also check.
"whY donT yOu sTay sTILL!?" the stray devil roars as it shoots another fireball at my hiding spot, its blue colored lion maw looking so off-putting on its extremely ripped (imagine if a guy had taken all the steroids) human body. Even though there was a light sword stabbed through its leg and most of its upper half had been burned away by the holy water, the runaway devil was still going strong.
"Why don't you just die?!" I shout right back, rolling away as the lion-man grabs at me over my cover. "But hold on a sec, I'll see if I can fix that for you!"
The devil closes in on me in a flash. I instantly reach for that familiar feeling in my gut, ready to pull me out of trouble at a moment's notice. Nothing happens.
Crap, I almost forgot.
Taking advantage of my hesitation, the unholy creature forces me into close combat. I grit my teeth as I brace for impact, strength far beyond any human attempting to tear through my defenses with all the subtlety of a jackhammer through concrete.
Muscle memory takes over as I dodge and deflect and counter to the best of my abilities, years upon years of nightmarish training and field experience revealing itself as I brave the monstrous onslaught.
Blood pounds in my ears as the fire burning within my muscles grows ever stronger, the knowledge that even the briefest of missteps would spell my end the only thing keeping me going. I wasn't going to die. Not here, not now.
Redirecting a punch by spin-kicking the devil's arm to the side at the last moment, I wince as my steel-toed shoe slams into what feels like solid stone. Fuckin' Rooks.
Trying to keep up the pressure, I follow it up with a series of lightning fast kicks and punches, multiple attacks being thrown in the span of a second. However the inherent physical prowess granted by the Rook allows the lion-man to easily keep pace, even if his technique had been all but burnt away in his mindless rage. Cause screw actually training to become strong, am I right?
I let out a grunt of pain as a devastating haymaker blasts into my crossed guard, the force of the blow so great that I am pushed back multiple yards, feet leaving grooves in the dirt below. This wasn't the worst fight I'd been in, but fuck me did I want it to be over soon.
I just had to distract him. Even a second would be enough.
An idea forms.
"Take this, o' foolish daemon! My ultimate attack!" I scream at the top of my lungs. I stop my fighting retreat, whipping the item in my hoodie pocket at the devil. He flinches in surprise at the unexpected movement, instantly preparing to tank whatever awesome ability I had just thrown out.
Ha. Gotcha.
As the candy-bar bounces off his chiseled chest, I close in and duck under his guard. The lion-man had only just begun to react to the stupidity of my assault, when the light sword is ripped out of his leg.
He howls in pain and rage, likely ready to rip me a new one even more than before. The roar then trails off into a wet gurgle, on account of the sword that was now jammed in his throat. Clawing at the blade, the devil stumbles backwards, surprise in his increasingly glassy eyes. "hOw... A... hUMaN..."
Letting go of the blade, I sway in exhaustion, watching as the devil drops to his knees before eventually slumping over. The whisper of the wind and my own breathing are the only thing breaking the stillness of the night, now that the sounds of combat had died away.
My eyes pass over the devastated graveyard, taking in the toppled gravestones and upturned earth. More than one headstone was just straight up missing, on account of them having been used as projectiles against me. Add to that fact that most of the trees and shrubbery were on fire, and multiple mausoleums wrecked beyond repair, the battle cost was going to be pretty high. Way higher than I'd originally promised.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, letting everything out in a slow exhale. I'd the feeling my contract money was going to be needed to pay back all the damages. Again.
Goddammit.
I sat quietly on a wooden bench some time later, watching as the sun slowly rose over the lake in the horizon, the surface of the water to shimmering in the dawn's light. The park is just about empty except for me and some sleepy ducks, everyone sane home in their nice warm beds. Man, I wish I had a nice warm bed. Or a bed in general.
I sigh into my last bottle of beer. Ginger beer of course, I'm still underage!
Another (technically) successful contract. Another day without pay. I could almost hear my wallet crying out in hunger.
Oh wait, that was me. When was the last time I had eaten? Breakfast yesterday? Or was it the dinner the day before that?
Regardless, I needed money, and I needed it now. If I didn't get a contract soon, I was going to have to look for alternative means.
Stealing was out of the question. While I was of the opinion that some people really didn't need nor deserve all the stuff they had, if word somehow got back to the old bastard, he'd... I didn't want to think about it. So that option was out. Crawling back to the codger was also a no-go, I'd rather starve than see his shitty smirk that all but shouted 'I told you so!'.
I down the rest of the drink, before tossing it into the trash can next to me. Guess I'd have to pull out the priest wear and get to beggi- er, asking for donations again. Ugh.
Hands wrap together in a gesture of prayer. Oh, God! If you're up there! Give this poor lost lamb a sign! Any sign! Though preferably one that'll give me a lot of money! And chicks! Don't forget about the chicks!
My work phone rings, nestled within a pocket. I blink. It rings again, and my brain finally unfreezes. Hands unclasp faster than light, the device is instantly yanked out and screen turned on to reveal... an unknown number.
I look up at the morning sky. I... uh, I was joking. I mean, God, aren't you supposed to be dead? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be dead. Oh man, what if you aren't dead?
The phone jitters in my hand for a third time, pulling my gaze back down to it. Oh, right. Crippling existential crises could when I'm off the proverbial clock.
A quick tap and the call is accepted. Raising it to my ear, my tried-and-true peppy customer service voice is instantly applied. All traces of inner emotional conflict instantly vanish, replaced by hollow robotic cheer. For to be online customer support was to no longer be human in the eyes of Man. Amen. "Sam's Salvation Service, you scry them and we fry them! Sam speaking!"
"A-ah yes…" A quiet voice says after a moment, clearly nervous beyond belief. "You're an exorcist, r-right?"
Fuck me, my prayers had actually been answered. Either God was alive and was a total bro, or my luck was starting to look up.
...I didn't know which one scared me more.
"Indeed I am! And I'm pleased to tell you that I'me currently running a deal! Buy one exorcism, get a holy ward for half off!"
"I-I… okay! Please come quickly, I...! Well, I think t-the address is..."
Mentally noting the address that had been rattled off, I give a bright smile, even though the person obviously couldn't see me. It never hurt to be careful, after all. Some of these bastards could smell negativity through the microphone, I swear.
"Got it! I'll be there in one hour, or the service is free!"
A/N: Ah DxD, a series I have so many mixed feelings about. Nevertheless, I've always been interested in the whole demon-slaying bible-slinging priest side of the world, and finally decided to write my own personal spin on that.