UNWORTHY OF LOVE
Hello my dear people. I've missed you and writing. I'm so grateful for my wonderful possibility of escaping reality each weekend. I will continue to do so, until I have any Chelsie ideas left in my head.
Today, I wish to give you the story that's been sitting in my head recently. Charles and Elsie are happily married for a while, but Elsie sees, that her husband has an enormous problem with showing her his feelings, like he is afraid of something. She decides to investigate the cause of his behavior.
Hope you will like it.
Legal note: I have no rights to any of DA characters, although they are constant residents of my imagination, but they live rent free ;-)
It's been four months since they got married. It was so short and so long at the same time. They had to get use to so many new things, but day after day, they slowly learnt how to live with each other.
Of course there were many bumps along the road, mostly in the cooking area.
Elsie would have never imagined, that such insignificant thing can cause so many problems, yet it did.. She was not expecting, that it would be so important for Charles, although she should have known, seeing all these years that they spent dining together, how much he enjoyed food- but she wasn't prepared for such a big test of her skills in that part of life.
After she gave him a lesson, he started to see cooking in a different way and he really appreciated how much effort it was to prepare a good meal, so he didn't insist on dining so often in the cottage.
Other than that, all things seem to be going fine. Elsie did her best to be a good wife and to please her husband. It helped her a lot, that they knew each other so well and so long-she was well aware of all his habits, she knew how he liked things done and she knew what she had to do to make him happy. It wasn't difficult, plus she dicovered that now, when they were married, making him happy was giving her even much more joy than before.
However there was one question in their life that was extremely difficult to settle. A question of emotions. That was also the only thing, that was really new between them. Earlier on, they did everything together, except this...During their mutual years of service, none of them showed emotions to each other, let alone that kind of emotions.
For Elsie it was easier. She loved him very much and she had no problems with showing that to him. As far as Charles goes, things were more complicated. Elsie sensed that he loved her very much, she was sure of that, she would have never married him, if she wasn't sure of that. However his behavior during those four months of marriage, has rarely indicated any sings of tenderness or affection. If she wasn't sure of his feelings, she would began to worry by now, that something was wrong.
Of course at their age and with their history, she couldn't expect some kind of sublime emotions. It was obvious, that he won't show her his love at work, as they kept their jobs and their status, but Elsie was hoping that once they were alone, in their cottage, Charles will be able to get rid of the mask that he was wearing for the most part of his life- a mask of the stuffy butler, always behaving according to rules and propriety.
She wanted to see that softer side of him. The side that existed, even though he rarely showed it to other people. She spent most of her life alone, without warm feelings and she was hoping that once she will be his wife, he will let her know how much she meant to him.
She wanted that and needed that. Those small gestures of affection-like caressing her hand, or her cheek, kissing her softly on the lips or cuddling her in the middle of the night.
Furthermore, except from the fact that he didn't show her his emotions by gestures, he also didn't confess his love for her, even once...She never got to hear those three magical and most beautiful words: "I love you".
He seemed to be really restrained with his feelings and as the time went by, Elsie was gradually losing hope that something will change...He had nothing against her small gestures of love, like kissing him delicately in the morning, like holding his hand while she was falling asleep at night, but it was always her initiative. Never his.
Elsie was wondering, why he was still a butler. Even in their private time. She wanted to see Charlie-her man, her husband, her friend and her lover and instead, she still had Charles Carson-the stuffy butler, who was incapable to show her his love.
Even in their most intimate moments, in their marital bed, when they were making love, he still seemed to be in control. Like he was afraid to let it go. To lose himself in passion..God knows she did...More than she could have expected...
When she started her marriage life with him, she was terrefied with a vision of sex. Having no experience in that matter, she was expecting pain, discomfort and one more duty to perform in a marriage life.
She was soon pleasantly surprised, discovering, that a love life with Charles can be so exciting and so enjoyable...She was more than willing to their regular intercourses and with time, she stopped feeling embarrassed, because of the fact that she liked it so much..And when she saw that he liked her enthusiasm, she wasn't hesitating anymore and she let him know explicitly, how much delight he gave her in their marital bed. She was secretly hoping, that her lack of shame in that area, will cause less of formality from his side...
Of course she knew that he was enjoying it too...She may have not been experienced, but there were no doubts about the fact, that he liked it as much as she did...
Every time they made love, she was waiting for the barriers to be broken, she was looking impatiently, for the erruption of his unbridled bliss, which would help him to loose this stift attitude, but that never happened.
Even on this memorable night, when their love making was extremely intense and Elsie was close to heaven, so close, that she totally forgot herself and after she reached one of the most powerful climaxes in her life, she was whispering all over again that she loves him...
There was a moment of an awkward silence and instead of replying, that he loves her too, he shut her mouth with a kiss, which didn't calm her anxieties about the whole situation...When he fell asleep, she had tears in her eyes, because she felt like she has revealed her soul to him and he couldn't appreciate it, as much as she would like him to, let alone respond with the same fervor...
Elsie was still fighting with her thoughts, whether she should discuss this with him or to stay silent... She was thinking, that maybe with time, she will get use to his behavior and it will not be so painful for her, but this was not true...As the time passed, she was more and more frustrated with all this..
The bubble had finally burst, on one summer evening, which they were spending together in the cottage. They both had their days off and after they had dinner, Charles sat on the sofa and he was admiring the lovely sun set, looking through the window.
Elsie was washing the dishes, so she joined him a little later, but she was still able to enjoy some of this beautiful moment..They were sitting close, but not close enough for Elsie's liking, so she decided to move closer and snuggle in to him...She felt a great need of having him close. She wanted a moment of tenderness, but once she did it, he suddenly stiffened and moved away from her...
"Err...I think that I should finish my book...I promised Lord Grantham, that I will return it to the library tomorrow..."
Charles was about to go away, but Elsie felt, that things cannot go on they way they were now...This was not the way she wanted to go through her marriage life, this was not what she was expecting...
"Charles wait...Please...Don't go yet...I want to talk to you..."
"Now Elsie?"
"Yes, now. Please...It can't wait...It's very important to me..."
He sat back near her, hesitating..By her tone, he sensed, that this is not going to be an easy conversation...
"What's the matter Elsie? You seem sad..."
"That's because I am...Charles...I can't go on like this any longer...I just can't..."
"What do you mean?"
"Charles...You are...You are constantly pushing me away from you...Whenever I want to share some closeness with you, whenever I'm starting to show you signs of my love, you are either pulling away, or changing the subject...What is it Charles?"
"Elsie...I ...Er...I...I don't think that we should...In our age and.."
"Charles, age has nothing to do with it...We have signed for a full marriage, haven't we? You wanted this and I agreed, even though I had doubts before, but I agreed, because you wanted this...And a need of being close is something that I want...Why can't you just give me that?"
"Elsie..I...I can't talk about it..."
"Even with me?"
"Even with you...Especially with you..."
"I'm your wife...I love you...But you act like you don't love me...Are you disappointed? Don't you want me anymore?"-Elsie had tears in her eyes and it broke his heart...
"Elsie! Of course not...I want you...You know that I do...When we are intimate...You know that I do..."
"Yes, I do know it then, but other than that...You never say that you love me, you don't put your arms around me at night, you don't kiss me, you have no need for us to be close, even when we are alone...Why is that?"
"Elsie...It's so difficult...I really don't know how to talk about that..."
"Charles...You can talk with me about everything...Your secrets are my secrets...You know that...You should know that...Please...Tell me...Explain that to me..."
Charles took a deep breath and sighed deeply..This was the conversation, that he was hoping to avoid, but knowing his wife's open nature, he assumed, that it won't be possible..He knew that he had to confess the truth, if he didn't want to loose her and that was something that he feared the most...
"Elsie...You see...It's very complicated..Ever since I was a little boy...I never...Nobody has never showed me any kind of affections...Starting from my mother..When I was little, I needed her...I wanted her to love me, but she never did...She kept on rejecting me...I think that she never really wanted me...Do you know what it is for a little boy, to grow up with a thought that your own mother doesn't love you?"
"Charles...How awful...Oh my love...Why was she like that?"
"I'm not sure...I think that she never really wanted to have children, she just had us, because she wanted to fulfill society expectations...Her whole world was my father..We were just an addition and she didn't care much about us...When I wanted to hug her, she was pushing me away, so I grew up convinced, that I don't deserve to be loved..."
"Charles...You know it's not true..."
"I'm not sure...Later on it was much worse...When I met Alice, I fell in love with her so much and I wanted to have a family with her, to give her everything, but she rejected me too...She played with my feelings and ran away with my stage fellow. That's when I realized, that I'm unworthy of love...And that's when I became a man that you already know...Strict, stick in the mud, who never let himself to show his feelings to anyone..."
"Charles..What happened to you before was terrible...I can't even imagine going through something like this, but it's all past now...You have to put it behind you...Everything has changed now...I love you...You know that..You feel that...Don't you?"
"Yes...I do, but Elsie...The wounds that I carry in me are not that easy to heal...Don't you see Elsie? I knew that I loved you for a long time..."
"It was the same with me..."
"But Elsie...You know why I waited so long to propose to you? Because I was afraid, that you will reject me, that another person in my life will show me, that my love is not good enough...That I am not good enough...And when you accepted and we got married, I was afraid that once I will show you my love, after a while, you will reject me too, like all the women in my life did before..."
"Charles...I understand now...This indeed is a heavy burden you are carrying...If you had told me this before, I wouldn't be worried, that something was wrong, that you were rejecting me..."
"Never Elsie...I would never reject you. I was just afraid that you will be the one who will reject me.."
"That will never happen Charlie...Never...You told me, that you loved me for a long time...I loved you too...Maybe even from the beginning...I thought, that I will never see the day of our wedding...But I did...We have already wasted such a long time..Let's not waste another minute of our marriage...Charles...I'm not going anywhere...When I took my vows in the church, I meant it...Every word...I want to love you..For the rest of our life...Just let me...I am the first woman, who will never let you down..."
"I always knew that Elsie...Deep in my heart I always knew that...You have never let me down before...Not once..."
"Exactly...That's why you need to understand that it won't change...I love you and I want to show it to you everyday...But I need that from you too...You think that I wasn't afraid of our intimate life before we married? I was frightened...But it turned out to be one of the most beautiful things between us..."
"Really Elsie? You mean that...?"
"Of course I do...I guess you can easily know that it's true, judging by my reactions..."
"Elsie...I"-Charles was red as a beet...
"There is no need to be embarrassed...We are alone...Together...Everything between us is wonderful and I want it to stay that way...Forever...Just need some signs of love from you..."
"Signs like that?"-he asked, drewing her closer, putting her arms around her tightly...He kissed the crown of her hair and planted few sweet kisses along her hair line...
"Yes Charles...Exactly like that...This is what I really want and need from you...Daily...We have given each other so much, so late in our lives..But we still can give each other so much more...I'm here for you and I always will be..."
"Oh Elsie...You are...You have no idea...I just...I...I love you..."-he added shyly, after a moment of hesitation...
"And I love you...Always have and always will...Don't you forget it even for a moment...Today we have begun a process of healing your soul, but that's only our first step...It will be better from now on..I promise..."
"I believe you and I thank God everyday, that after all those terrible experiences he has given you to me..."
"What a coincidence...I'm doing the same...Charles..."-she looked at him with utter love in her eyes...
"Elsie...My Elsie...My one and only woman..."
This kiss was softer, more delicate than ever...They've kissed many times before, but somehow, now, Elsie felt like it was their first kiss, a kiss which was a beginning of their new life...A life which promised a lot of sweet and precious things...And an entirely new adventure for both of them...
That's all for this story. I always thought, that there was something about Charles's past, that made him as he was. Not only the thing with Alice, but something deeper, that convinced him of being unlovable...Fortunately, Elsie showed him, that it's not true at all...I hope that you enjoyed another Chelsie ride with me. Stay safe and see you soon!