The jealousy burned in her chest. It was overwhelming and she found it was beginning to get harder to breathe. A wave of dizziness swept over her and she had to grab the wall for support, her breaths coming in short, quick gasps.
Now she knew how Emily felt. Every touch that wasn't with her, every word said to another, made her whole body ache with pain. She watched her smile at Ben, watched as she laughed with him. She glanced over at Austin talking to Jane and realized that he meant so little to her compared to Emily.
But it was unfair of her to hold onto Emily. How could she expect her to forgo all love, just so that she could cuddle her when she wanted and forget about her when she didn't. That just wasn't fair to Emily. She deserved better than what Sue could give her, no matter how much pain it caused.
This realization made her feel ill and suddenly all the sounds and chatter from the guests pounded in her head. She needed to leave. Grabbing her coat, she was about to head out the door when a hand grabbed her arm.
"Sue? Where are you going?" A soft voice asked her, her touch sending chills down Sue's spine.
Sue turned her head ever so slightly as to see the person she longed for but looked away just as quickly, her heart throbbing painfully in her chest.
"I'm suddenly not feeling well, so I'm going to go rest."
Emily immediately became concerned, moving closer. "Are you going to the boarding house? Why not just stay here? You'll catch a chill in that cold, little house."
Sue breathed in Emily's scent as she neared, the smell of ink and pine overwhelming her senses. She backed away again. The dizziness came back with a vengeance, the room spinning, but she remained composed, not letting Emily notice her weakness.
"I'm sorry, I have to go." Sue said hurriedly, leaving through the door and walking away at a brisk pace.
"Sue, wait!" Emily called, but it was too late, for she was already out of sight.
"Dammit!" Emily yelled, attracting the attention of Ben, who quickly made his way from his spot from across the room.
"Emily, what's wrong?" He questioned, confused at her outburst.
"It's...it's Sue. She just left suddenly and I'm not sure what happened. Was it something I did?" She asked him, guilt burning a pit in her stomach.
He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. "No, no, of course not. Maybe she's just tired or wanted some space from the party. And if it's worrying you that much, just check on her tomorrow. I'm sure she's fine." He reassured her.
She gave a soft smile in return. "Thanks Ben, you always seem to know just what to say. Now let's go back, my mom's getting super drunk and I have to get her out before she does something she'll regret later."
They laugh at the thought and head back to the festivities, closing the door behind them.
Meanwhile, Sue walked through the snow, the cold air chilling her to her very core. She pulled her coat tighter around her in an attempt to alleviate the feeling, but it did little to help. Soon thorough, she arrived at her prior residence from back when she had yet to agree to the marriage proposal and back when she had been happily with Emily.
Tears welled up in her eyes at the memory of the two of them, but quickly wiped them dry. No, she couldn't afford to think that way anymore. Because she was marrying Austin and any connection they had would be severed and muted to meer sisterhood. But...that would have to suffice...right?
She opened the door and was greeted by the slightly surprised old woman who owned the house.
"Why Sue, I thought you were staying at the Dickinson house from now on?" She questioned, one eyebrow raised.
"Um, yes I was, but would it be alright if I stayed here for a night or two? I won't be a bother, I promise."
She smiled cheerily and nodded. "Of course dear, your old room is just how you left it. I must warn you though, the window is broken and won't shut all the way, so I expect it might be cold in there. Don't worry though, I have some extra blankets you can borrow."
She gently led Sue to the room and after grabbing the blankets and handing them to her, she left with wishes for a Merry Christmas and a good night.
Sue thanked her before entering her room and shutting the door behind her. The old woman was right, it was absolutely freezing in there. She wouldn't complain though and after making up the bed again with the extra blankets, she quickly changed into an extra nightgown the woman had provided her and climbed in the bed, snuggling under the blankets in an effort to get warm.
She was suddenly reminded of all the times she had slept with Emily in her bed and how warm and comforting it was. This was nothing like that had been, as she lay now, sleeping in this cold bed. Shivering once more, she closed her eyes and wished for this horrible day to just be over. Without much more thought, she drifted off into unconsciousness.
Meanwhile with Emily, she had put her mother to bed who had graciously reminded her once again that she would forever be stuck in this house having to do housework the rest of her life. But, at least she wasn't trying to marry her off anymore. That was a relief.
Moving back to her room quietly so as to not disturb the sleeping members of the house she thinks of how her brother reacted to learning that Sue had left. He didn't seem that fazed and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that he might have not even noticed if it wasn't for the fact that she told him. He had been conversing with Jane Humphry about god knows what and it seemed to her that it was the happiest he had been in a while. But what did she know about love, maybe that's what it was supposed to be like.
Shaking her head out of her thoughts she enters her room and sighs at how lonely it looks. She missed Sue already and she had tried not thinking about her all evening, but had failed miserably. Well, she would just have to take Ben's advice and go and visit her in the morning, because it wasn't like she was avoiding her...right?
Taking off her dress and changing into her nightgown, she crawled into bed and snuggled underneath the covers, sighing in contentment at the warmth they provided. But she still felt like something, or maybe it was someone, was missing. Like a part of her heart had disappeared and she couldn't for the life of her remember where it had gone to.
She suddenly noticed her face felt wet and reaching up one hand to her cheek, she realized she had been crying. She gave a bitter laugh at her own weakness, wiping her eyes dry with her sleeve.
"God Emily, pull it together." She murmured.
Closing her eyes and trying to think about anything but Sue, she drifted off to sleep.
The sun came shining in, waking Emily from her slumber. She sat up groggily, rubbing the last bits of sleep from her eyes. She blinked, once, twice...Sue! The memory of the night before flooded through her mind and she was up and out of bed in an instant.
She got dressed as fast as she could and ran down stairs. Maggie stood in the kitchen, wiping off plates with a rag, but looked up when she heard Emily's feet hammering down the steps.
"My, you're in quite the rush this morning. Where're you off to?" Maggie inquiered.
Emily's head whipped up from it's staring contest with the ground and went to Maggie's.
"Oh Maggie! Have you seen Sue this morning?" She asked, out of breath and with hair sticking out in random places.
"No, I can't say I have Miss. You should try where she used to live, maybe you'll find her there."
"Okay, thanks Maggie! See you around!" And with that, she grabbed her coat and rushed out the door.
Emily walked briskly towards the house where she suspected Sue to be and arrived within a few minutes. Knocking on the door, she's greeted by the cheery old woman.
"Hello, sorry to bother you this morning, but have you perhaps seen Sue?" Emily asked politely, trying to peer through the door.
The woman nodded and invited Emily inside. "Yes, she came here last night. Poor thing seemed distraught so I let her stay the night. Haven't seen her this morning though, it seems she's still sleeping."
The last part made Emily both concerned and slightly alarmed. Sue...sleeping into late morning...it was unheard of.
"May I go see her?" She asked, not wanting to just barge through someone's house without permission.
"Of course hun. I'll be out here if you need anything." She said, before walking back to her chair and resuming her knitting.
Emily walked up the door and suddenly felt nervous and out of place. What if Sue didn't want to see her? What if's began to fill her head, but she quickly dismissed them. No, she wouldn't think that way. She would just go in and find out herself. What's the worst that could happen?
She steeled her nerves, grabbed the handle and opened the door.
"Sue?" She called out, blinking her eyes to get used to the still dark room.
A groan answered her, before the figure in the bed sat up and faced her.
Sue opened her eyes and peered at Emily who was standing in the doorway across from her. She blinked hard and squinted, trying to dismiss the dizziness and spinning that had accompanied her move to sit up.
"Emily, wha-" Her gravely voice caught in her throat and she coughed harshly into her blankets. It was a violent, wet cough that racked her small frame and had her gasping for breath.
Emily's eyes widened in alarm and she immediately went to Sue's side and rubbed her back soothingly until the fit passed. Sue grimaced in pain and held her aching head in her hands.
When she looked back up, Emily noticed her dull eyes and how flushed her cheeks looked compared to her pale complexion. Fear became a prominent emotion felt by Emily at that exact moment as she watched Sue's body shake with chills. Bringing her hand up, she places it gently on Sue's forehead and inhales sharply at the high temperature.
"Jesus Sue! You're burning up! Here, lie back down." She exclaims, pushing her back down into her pillow.
Sue just stares up at her, dazed and exhausted. Her head was pounding, her throat and lungs burned, she was absolutely freezing, yet her skin felt raw from the heat, and the dizziness was making her nauseous. She had never felt so sick in her life.
Fear had flooded through every inch of Emily's being and she was using all of her self control just to stay calm and try to think. The memory of last night resurfaced and Emily cringed at how stupid she had been.
"I'm suddenly not feeling well, so I'm going to go rest."
God what was wrong with her! She was so stupid! She should've made Sue stay at the house or at least have gone after her and made sure she was alright, but no, she wanted to hang out with Ben more than making sure her best friend was okay.
"I'm such a horrible person!" She heard herself say out loud.
Through Sue's muddled brain, she managed to hear Emily and quickly refuted her.
"You're not a horrible person Emily. And I'll be fine, I just need some rest." She whispered, her voice so weak that Emily had to strain to hear it.
"You said that last night and it didn't work now, did it?" She snapped, her anxiety making her temper short.
Sue swallowed thickly and thought about how her family had died. She had always had a frail immune system, a family curse she figured, and knew Emily was thinking about the same thing. She knew Emily was just afraid, afraid for her.
"...I'll be okay." She murmured, taking a shaky breath as she resisted coughing. It occurred to her then that she wasn't sure who she was trying to convince.
Emily looked ashamed for a second, then guilty. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rash. I'm just...scared."
"I know." Sue retracted a hand from her blankets and grabbed Emily's in hers. Emily gave a small smile and squeezed lightly before placing it back under the warm blankets.
It was then she realized how cold it was in the room. She looked around for the culprit and found that the window was ajar. When she moved over to close it, she found it wouldn't shut, so after a quick glance around, she grabbed a dress and stuffed it into the crack.
She then turned to Sue, who was lying still with her eyes closed, but she opened them once Emily spoke again.
"I'll be right back. Wait for me."
Sue nodded slightly before closing her eyes once more. Emily, slightly reassured, exited the room and walked over to the woman.
"How is she? Still sleeping?" The woman's smile soon turned to a frown as she lifted her head to see Emily's less than relaxed expression.
"What's wrong dear?" She asked, concerned.
"Oh, um…" Emily rambled for a second before she remembered what she had wanted to ask. "Do you have any water? Sue, she's um, she's sick with a fever and I was wondering if I could use some to lower it? Oh and a rag and a glass too? Please."
The old woman's eyes lit up with worry and hurriedly replied, "of course dear, right this way." before leading Emily to the water and giving her a bowl, rag and cup.
"Thank you." Emily said sincerely before she headed back to the room, the old woman saying to get her if she got any worse as she would go and fetch the doctor.
Emily entered the room once more carrying the bowl full of water, the glass filled with water and the rag. Sue was lying eyes closed on the bed, but opened them upon her arrival.
"Hey..." Sue said as Emily dragged a chair over to the bedside and wet the cloth.
"Shh, don't talk. You'll only hurt your throat." Emily chastised softly, wringing out the cloth and placing it on Sue's forehead, eliciting a soft sigh from her at the reprieve it brought.
Sue only nodded at Emily's words for they were true. She glanced over at the glass of water, and Emily, who had been following her gaze, realized what she wanted.
"Oh, here, let me help." She said, helping Sue into a more upright position before handing her the glass of water. Sue's hand shook at the weight of the glass, so Emily held her hand to steady it and helped her drink. Once she was done, Emily took the glass and let her lie back down.
"Thanks Em." Sue said quietly.
Emily forced a smile, trying to once again push down the fear she felt at seeing Sue so weak. But she'll be fine, she has to be fine. Everything will be fine.
But Sue could see Emily's internal dilemma. For as long as Sue had known her, Emily had not once been successful in hiding anything from her. She always knew. How she did that, she didn't know. She just could.
So, she took one burning hand out from her blankets and brought it up to Emily's cheek and caressed it gently. Emily leaned into the touch and the comfort it brought, before taking Sue's hand in her's and holding it tightly as if afraid to let go.
Tears filled Emily's eyes and she tried to blink them away but failed.
"Oh Sue…" Emily's voice hitched with emotion and she bit her lip to keep from crying. "This is all my fault. I'm so sorry." Emily apologized.
Sue's eyes widened and she shook her head. "No, Emily, don't ever think that. I'm the one that left, remember?"
"But, I should've-" Emily continued, but Sue interrupted her.
"No buts Emily. This is not your fault. And stop apologizing like I'm dying. I'll be fine by tomorrow." She could only hope that what she said would be true.
This time, Emily gave a genuine smile and wiped her tears. "I know. I know you'll be fine." She wondered if she was just trying to convince herself. Like the more times she says it, the truer it becomes.
At this point, Sue was getting so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. Emily noticed and spoke to her.
"Get some rest. I'll be here when you wake."
At her words, Sue gave up fighting the darkness and allowed herself to be enveloped by sleep.
Sue woke to a soothing voice and a gentle touch nudging her awake. She opened her eyes to find that it was now well into evening and the sun was just beginning to set over the horizon.
"Sue, I have dinner, you have to eat something." Emily spoke, holding a tray with a bowl of chicken broth on it.
Sue grimaced a bit at the thought of eating as she had no appetite, but seeing Emily's pleading expression, she relented and sat up.
"Are you feeling any better?" Emily asked.
"Yes, I think I do." She lied. In reality, she felt truly terrible and far worse than she had felt earlier that day. The pain in her head had turned into a constant ache that she wished would relent, and the chill she had felt earlier couldn't compare to the unrelenting cold she felt had settled deep into her bones. She found that it was harder to breathe as if her lungs wouldn't take in as much air as they had before.
She tried to take in a deeper breath, but failed as her breathing hitched and she doubled over coughing once again. This time, her lungs lit up in sharp, fiery pain and it felt like someone was stabbing her chest every time she coughed. Tears welled up in her eyes at the discomfort of it all and the overwhelming agony this dreadful disease was causing her.
Emily had quickly set down the tray at the beginning of the fit and was rubbing her back soothingly while also trying to coax her into drinking some water to stop to attack.
Sue eventually gathered her barings enough to drink and the attack gradually receded but it left her sapped of energy and gasping for air. Emily frowned and stroked her hair, but upon touching her forehead, Emily's eyebrows raised in concern.
"Your fever isn't getting any better." Emily commented, chewing on her lip anxiously.
Sue just shrugged, too tired and in too much pain to talk.
"Well, can you still try and eat something even after all that?"
Sue nodded slowly and Emily helped feed her the soup. She managed to get halfway through it before she had to stop, her appetite already past it's limit. Emily didn't stop her, just looked increasingly worried, and helped Sue lie back down before replacing the damp towel on her head.
It was night at this point, the sun having fully set and the moon having made its presence known. Emily stared out the window silently, watching the stars and moon shine in the darkness.
"It sure is beautiful at night isn't it?" Emily murmured.
"It is." Sue whispered.
Silence enveloped them for a few moments before Sue spoke once more.
"Hey, Emily?" Sue asked, a slight waver in her voice as she spoke.
Emily turned and met her gaze. "Yes?"
"Could you- could you lie with me...please. I don't want to feel alone." She mumbled, her voice decreasing in volume with every word. Truth was, she was scared, terrified even, of the sickness that infected her. She had seen time and time again what disease could do to a person and how it could steal people away and never give them back. She knew death didn't bargain with anyone.
"Sure." Emily said simply before crawling into the bed and gathering Sue into her embrace.
Sue's hot breath sent tingles down Emily's neck, making her stomach flutter and shivers run up her spine. Smiling, Emily leaned her head down and lightly kissed Sue's forehead. They spent another few moments enjoying each other's presence and the comfort it brought, before Sue spoke again.
"Emily, I know you're going to be a great writer. The best poet this world has ever seen. I...I just wish I could be around to see it."
Emily's whole body tensed and went rigid at that phrase and her head whipped down to stare at Sue's face, her expression almost unreadable except for the clear indication of terror dancing in her eyes.
"Don't-" She choked on her words, her breath catching in her throat. "Don't say that. Don't say that like you're dying. You're not, you're going to be fine." Her fear felt like a lump in her throat, her heart beating frantically in her chest. She struggled to calm herself, but it seemed like the more she tried to remain calm, the more she lost her grip on it.
Sue heard her frantic heartbeat and quickly reached out a hand to stroke Emily's face, shushing her in an attempt to steer away the impending panic attack.
Spot's began to fill Emily's vision as her breath began to come out in short gasps, her lungs starving for air, but unable to obtain it.
"I- I can't… I- I have to go." She leapt from the bed and stumbled to the door, Sue's strangled voice calling out to her, but the sound was fading in and out like static. She pushed past the door, slamming it shut and could faintly hear Sue coughing in the room behind her but she just had to get away.
She couldn't face the pain and fear. It was all too much. She was drowning in herself and she couldn't- she couldn't lose Sue. It would kill her. She slammed into the wall, but pressed onwards, her head fuzzy and her vision blurring with tears.
She made her way to the door leading outside and shoved it open, escaping out into the cold, crisp night air. She took two steps before falling to her knees, exhausted and alone. She bent over and held her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably into her palms.
How could Sue have said that? How could she have been so certain that she was going to die! It wasn't fair...it wasn't fair that she had to love someone who was dying!
"Is this part of your stupid plan, death!" She screamed into the night. "Because if so, take me instead! Take me! Take me please! Just not her...not her…" Her voice trailed off and the only sound that could be heard was her whimpering and the chirping of crickets.
Suddenly the chirping went silent and Emily opened her eyes only to find herself dressed in a crimson red dress and the sound of hooves echoing in the darkness.
"No, no no NO!" She shook her head in vain, trying desperately to deny the truth. He must be here for someone else, it couldn't be her, she wouldn't allow it!
Pulling herself up, she raced off into the direction of horses whinnying and after tripping and stumbling her way through the deserted town, she found the carriage that would normally be a solace to her, but tonight only served as a grim reminder of the reality she was facing.
Steeling her nerves, she climbed into the carriage as it pulled up to a stop next to her. She found her seat and faced a smiling death, who upon her entry, handed her a white lily.
"Why are you here!" She demanded.
"Why, can't I just come to see you? Do I need a reason?" He teased her, his grin never ceasing.
She scowled at him, not in the mood for one of his games. He sighed, his smile dimming.
"Well, if you must know, I'm here in business. But I figured since I was in the area, I could invite you on a date."
"Who- who are you here for?" She asked, dreading the answer.
Death paused for a moment before he tilted down his glasses and stared at her, his eyes glowing.
"I think... you already know the answer to that question." He smirked, a maniacal gleam in his eyes.
Emily fought the sudden urge to vomit. A haze enveloped her brain and she bit down on her tongue hard in an effort not to scream. A drop of blood pooled at the corner of her mouth and dripped down, staining the white petals of the flower.
"Oh, now, we can't have that." He ungloved his hand and reached it forward, wiping the blood from her lip. He then brought it back to his mouth and licked his finger clean. Emily cringed at the display.
Licking his lips, he grinned wildly, a crazed look overtaking his features. He laughed and leaned forward until his mouth was directly next to her ear. He spoke and she could smell his foul breath.
"Back before, you assumed I was talking about Sue, right?" Her sharp intake of breath was his answer. "Well, I may or may not have been lying, just a bit. As a matter of fact, I myself don't know whether I'll be taking her tonight or in many years time. She's an anomaly, one I've only seen a handful of times."
"So, she won't…" Emily couldn't continue, her voice catching in her throat.
"I didn't say that. I merely said that I myself didn't know. It could go either way really. It all depends on her. Or what she's fighting for to be exact." He corrected, moving back to his seat and leaning back lazily against it.
Emily stayed silent, absorbing the information that had been given to her. So was death saying that Sue could willpower herself out of dying? How would someone even do that?
"What I'm wondering is why you're still here with me and not Sue? Certainly I'm not any more important than her?" He mock questioned, his voice like satin.
Emily's eyes widened. Why was she here? She should be with Sue! God, how many more mistakes would she make today before something irreversible happened? She had to go back to Sue, she left her alone and she wouldn't let it continue any longer.
"I need to go."
Death waved his hand and the carriage came to a halt.
"Farewell Emily. See you soon."
Emily rushed out of the carriage as fast as she could and ran in the direction of Sue.
Death stared off after her and watched her go, his eyes following the invincible red string attached to Emily's pinkie and sighed to himself.
"What will it take for you to realize it, Emily Dickinson? That your fate is intertwined with another's?" He closed his eyes and leaned back again, taking a drink from his glass. He smiled once more before the door to the carriage shut and he continued his eternal ride.
Emily hastened her pace towards the house and was out of breath by the time she reached it. She walked in the deserted house, but the moment she touched the door handle to Sue's room and entered, time restarted itself.
Emily's hand flew to her mouth at the sight of a sickly pale Sue, who's breaths were coming out in little pants and sweat forming on her brow.
"Oh Sue...I'm so sorry." She whispered, moving over to the bedside and stroking a piece of hair from Sue's face. She cringed at the heat and quickly went to rewet the towel and dabbed at Sue's neck and face with it before placing it once more on her forehead.
Sue was unresponsive during all of this and Emily would've thought she was dead if it wasn't for the pained look on her face. Emily reached down and gripped Sue's clammy hand in hers and brought it up to her mouth and kissed it gently, whispering pleas into it.
"Please Sue...please... I can't lose you...I can't." She whispered, shaking her head in denial.
She finally broke down crying, her shoulders shaking with the force.
Suddenly, her grief turned to anger. "Is this what you want! Stop playing god! How dare you try and take her from me!" She yelled.
She screamed at the top of her lungs at the sky until she couldn't anymore and the only thing she could do once more was cry.
"Please, just take me instead. Take me, not her. I'll do anything!" She begged.
Silence met her and she felt so crushingly helpless. Her heart was in agony and there was nothing she could do about it except watch as Sue's breathing began to fade and her pulse weakened.
She clutched Sue's limp hand like a lifeline and squeezed but there was no response.
"I'm so sorry Sue. If I- if I had just gone after you… if- if-" What ifs filled her head but it was no use thinking about how she could've changed the past. Sue was dying and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
She stared at Sue's face and gently caressed her cheek.
"Sue…" She started but her voice caught in her throat. Regardless she pushed on.
"Sue, you can't leave me...please. I don't know what I'll do without you. I can't live without you Sue. Because- because I…"
A single tear rolled down her cheek and fell onto Sue's face and streaked down, making it look like she herself had shed a tear.
"I love you, Sue." The words she had been wanting to say forever but had never had the courage to say, all rushed out at once. But it was too late now. Emily shut her eyes tight, fighting against the sobs that racked her body and didn't see as Sue's face twitched with life.
Suddenly, Emily felt a weak pressure on her hand and opened her eyes to see Sue's eyes open and looking up at her.
"Emily, I love you too." She breathed.
"Sue!" Emily buried her head into Sue's chest, crying her heart out to the other girl.
Once Emily regained control of herself again, she lifted her head up and stared into Sue's chocolate brown eyes. While she wasn't over the hill yet, Sue's breathing and pulse had improved to the point they could almost be described as normal and death's words echoed in her head.
"It all depends on her. Or what she's fighting for to be exact."
Was it love, or some god-sent miracle? She didn't care either way, as long as Sue wouldn't be ripped from her, she would be forever happy.
Sue's voice broke her from her stupor. "Emily what happened? I remember you leaving...then feeling so weak…then nothing until I heard your confession."
"I spoke with death." She said casually, as if it was a normal occurrence, which it was, but not to other people of course.
Sue's eyes widened a bit before she shook her head and chuckled. "Only you Emily, only you."
"Just adds to my charm." She smirked, but soon her face went serious again.
"Sue," She spoke, bringing Sue's attention to her.
"You can't ever leave. Promise me."
"Emily, I can't-" She started, but Emily interrupted her.
"Promise me." She was dead serious, so Sue relented.
"Fine. I promise I won't leave." Emily nodded in acceptance at her words before she climbed in bed with Sue, Sue scooching over to make room.
They cuddled and enjoyed each other's embrace, Emily astounded at Sue's drastic decrease in temperature. Suddenly though, Emily remembered something.
"Merry Christmas, Sue." Emily said again.
"Merry Christmas, Emily." Sue replied.
The two kissed, resolved not to ever let each other go, not even in the afterlife.