Tamahiko sometimes had strange thoughts. One of them was particularly odd.

At the time, it had merely been a passing thought that struck him one night. It disappeared so quickly it may as well have never existed. Intrusive or not, that wasn't important. It should have only happened once. So Tamahiko ignored the idea when it unexpectedly popped up out of the blue. It vanished once more without a trace, and was subsequently ignored. It was quiet here, in the dark and empty mountains of Chiba. All sorts of thoughts tended to fill his head if he wasn't careful.

Silence was never something Tamahiko enjoyed.

He wished there was noise. There was the occasional crackling of wood burning in the kitchen, when he thought to light a fire for food. A grandfather clock ticking in the hall that only worked sometimes, always an hour off. The wind howling outside as it ushered in winter blizzards. The rustling of paper as he turned the page of a book he wasn't entirely enjoying. There was sound, to be sure, but Tamahiko needed more. Something loud, distracting; something to drive away unnecessary feelings.

Unnecessary thoughts.

As if summoned, it came back right away.

That strange thought suddenly popped into his mind, whisper soft and humming innocently. The thought came more frequently these days. Stayed for longer. Warped his mind. Got in his way.

Tamahiko returned to his reading and the idea vaporized.

It only took two weeks for the clingy stray thought to win him over.

The first time, it was a tiny paper cut. It only welled a bit of blood to the surface of his skin, not even enough to form a droplet. A simple accident. Paper cuts were common when all one does is read. The first time, he didn't notice the intent behind sliding his fingers down the edges of the paper. He expected to hate the pain, and he did.

But the smallest little part of him murmured a craving in the back of his mind.

After the paper cut came the knife.

Another accident, as he was clumsily dicing fish for the cat in the kitchen. The cut itself was not terribly deep, crimson dripping slowly onto the cutting board. The pain was unpleasant. However, the thought came to him in that moment more clearly than ever before.

'Too afraid to live, too cowardly to die. Don't despair; there's something you can do to balance both. Give it a try; no one's here to care. What have you got to lose?'

"What…have I got to lose?" Tamahiko mused aloud in the emptiness. What was there left? His gaze slowly traveled down towards his immobile right arm. His listless, dominant arm. Surely it couldn't hurt this once. It would only be an experiment, to satisfy his own curiosity. The thought was his own, after all. He rinsed the knife and washed his wound - curiosity couldn't be satisfied if he died of infection. He brought the blade up to the top of his forearm, hesitating slightly. It would heal quickly if it was shallow enough, he was sure.

He pressed down.

The knife cut deeper than he expected. Tamahiko flinched in pain and held his bleeding arm over the sink. It was strange, the way his nerves could still react in a paralyzed limb. He didn't like the pain. He never had. Yet, for some reason…he carefully brought the blade closer and gently pressed down again. He'd created a cross on his arm, leaking scarlet everywhere. Tamahiko blinked. The cuts stung. He ran it under water, and the pain intensified.

"I'm not going to do that again," he sighed. "I'm so stupid."

And then Yuzu arrived.

At first, it was a nuisance. Another person running around, pestering him. She most likely fostered hidden hatred and contempt for him and the whole of the Shima clan. Her personality defied the notion. Yuzu was all smiles and pattering feet, running from one end of the house to the other to cook, to clean, and of course, to bother Tamahiko. It was an annoyance, to be sure, but Tamahiko thought he was handling this peculiar little girl quite well, considering.

Until he wasn't.

Before he knew it, he was desperately searching the kitchen cabinets one night long after Yuzu had gone to bed. Anxiety was building, bubbling and about to burst inside him. It took only seconds to locate the small silver knife, squirreled away in the back of a drawer. He hurried back to his room. He couldn't let Yuzu see. The family name would be ruined should he be discovered doing something so vulgar and unseemly. His sleeve was aggressively shoved out of the way. The scar had healed quite nicely, barely even a trace of it left.

This time would be different.

He dragged the blade roughly in aggressive patterns around his arm. The results from the experiment had been correct, after all. Pain drowned out the silence. It drove away bad thoughts. It erased nightmares. Most importantly, the anxiety simmered and cooled. His pulse slowed and the chokehold of the quiet house loosened its grip on him.

"Good," he murmured quietly, watching as drop after drop splattered on the floor. This house was suffocating. Yuzu was stressful. Pain quieted both anxieties. Tamahiko watched the streaming blood pool on the ground for what seemed like ages before finally stowing away the instrument in his own room. There was no use hiding it in the kitchen. What if he needed it again? Life was exhausting. Pain helped. He needed it nearby.

He needed to clean all this up before Yuzu found out.

It was as he was rinsing his arm free of the tacky liquid that the hairs rose on the back of his neck.

Someone was watching.

That someone was Yuzu.

"Tamahiko-sama," Yuzu yawned, joining him on the back porch. "What are you doing at this hour? It's so late." Tamahiko hid his arm, watching her carefully. She may not seem to be the sort to spread rumors, but if word of his actions reached father, he was truly done for.

'As if you honestly had a chance before. Your stupidity knows no bounds. Aren't you a pessimist?'

"I couldn't sleep. I was setting out water for the cat." Yuzu hummed happily and pattered closer, bleary eyed. Tamahiko tried stepping in front of the basin to block her gaze. Even so late at night, the discolored water was glaringly obvious. He was too late.

Too unlucky.

"Tamahiko-sama!" She gasped. Yuzu rushed to peer intently into the reddened basin. Tamahiko wanted to snap at her. Tell her to go back to bed, to mind her own business. The words were brimming in his mouth when she turned to look at him, tears welling in her dark eyes. Her distraught face dried up everything he was about to say.

"Where are you hurt? What happened? Oh, I should have woken up right away when I heard you come out here…let me see, we need to take care of this at once!" Tamahiko offered weak protests. It did nothing to dissuade her. Yuzu placed her soft hand in the small of his back and ushered him to the bathroom at once, running the bath and kindling the fire. Tamahiko sat quietly. There was no hiding this from her.

'A few little scratches, and you worry what this stranger, this child, thinks of you? You really are pathetic, Tamahiko.'

Yuzu reentered the bathroom and carefully took his sleeve again.

"Please, let me see." Tamahiko couldn't quite look at her as she ever so gently rolled the fabric out of the way. She sucked in a tiny breath, but otherwise didn't react. Tamahiko let her dip his arm into the water. It stung. The pain was welcome in the awkward quiet. Social interactions had always been his weakest point. For once he wished Yuzu would start chatting nonsense, as she always did. Anything to fill the emptiness surrounding them.

'You long for solitude yet crave attention. Becoming greedy now, aren't we? You really just want Yuzu to pamper you.'

Tamahiko shivered at the sudden thought.

'Don't lie to yourself. You did all this for a little extra attention, so someone would show they cared about your miserable little life.'

"Um." Tamahiko cleared his throat and tried again. He didn't dare turn to look at Yuzu. She must be so embarrassed. Or shocked. There was no good way to explain the wounds and he knew it. "I know…what this looks like. I didn't…do it on purpose, or anything. I just -"

"Liar." Yuzu was staring at him firmly and placed her palms against his cheeks. Her warmth startled him back into silence. "You don't need to lie to me." Her voice was so calm. She didn't sound at all as if she were accusing him. She should. He already felt crushed by the weight of a guilt whose origins were almost unknown. "Listen to me. You shouldn't do these things." Yuzu's tears began spilling over, streaking rapidly down her face. She drew closer to him, refusing to break eye contact.

"Don't hurt yourself like this. You should take better care of yourself. Don't you think that you're worth more than that?" She smiled. She was always smiling. Even through her tears, her smile was warm and inviting and so beautiful. "If you need to talk, talk to me. I will do what I can to take care of you. Anything for my future husband." Her flushed cheeks flamed hot, and she released his face.

"Your arm should be cleaned by now," Yuzu chirped, lifting his limp limb out of the water. The tub was a bright, diluted red. Scars traced up and down Tamahiko's arm haphazardly, patterned erratically from wrist to elbow. The sight of the mess should've made Yuzu upset. It should have made her cry more, scold him, become angry or hurt. Instead, she smiled, and took her time to dry and bandage the cuts with the utmost care. Tamahiko watched her in silence. What could he say?

'You'd be better off with her mad at you and you know it. She knows your little secret. Father will definitely hear of this. At least if Yuzu is angry with you, you can continue rotting away in peace.'

"Yuzu." The girl immediately gave him her full and undivided attention, light glimmering in her glassy eyes.

"Yes?"

"…you don't know a thing about me." He drew in a breath and let it back out. He had to ask her, had to know. "I'm nothing but a stranger to you. You were bought and are being forced to marry me, to commit to taking care of a useless person for the rest of your life. Tell me." Tamahiko scowled. It was the only expression he could make as he swallowed down his own emotions. He wasn't used to this. Wasn't cut out for this. The pain only grew. "You must hate it here. You must hate me. My family. What's my life to you, that you'd put worth on it like that?" He swallowed again. It was hardly helping. "Why would you give value to something as worthless as I am?"

"But you're not worthless to me." Yuzu was positively beaming. The way she radiated happiness around him was more than Tamahiko could handle. "How could I possibly think of you as anything less than precious? I already told you once. When we met, I thought that you were the sort of person who would cherish me forever. It would make me a terrible person if I didn't cherish you, too." Yuzu reached up and rested her hand lightly in his hair. "There's nothing more valuable to me than taking care of you, Tamahiko-sama."

Tamahiko gaped at her, no hint of malice or deceit anywhere on her face or in her tone. She believed he had worth. Thought he had value. Wanted to cherish him. Tamahiko leaned forward and grasped the back of Yuzu's robe, drawing her in and holding her close.

"Tamahiko-sama?"

"Yuzu. Thank you."

He held her for a long time. Yuzu probably should have pulled away, to finish cleaning the traces of blood in the bath, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was so invested in enjoying the warmth of the bathroom, listening to the sound of dripping water, that when Tamahiko suddenly went lax against her, Yuzu let out a decidedly unladylike yelp of concern. She quickly checked his forehead for a fever and his arm for more bleeding. Her concern was unfounded. Tamahiko was only sleeping.

Yuzu hugged him closer, a warm smile blooming on her face.

"Tamahiko-sama," she whispered ever so softly, "you don't need to worry. I'm always going to cherish you, no matter what happens. Because your life matters to me, and that gives it far greater value than you know."

After that night, the thought that had brought so much pain to them both never appeared again.