somewhere between sorrow and bliss
The war was won, but it wasn't over. Though the Firelord was now powerless and replaced, balance between the nations was far from attained. There were councils, peace-talks, laws, and new governments to work through. People were still hurt, and angry. Thousands of lives, homes, and lands had been destroyed. The leaders of each nation were joining as one: building a new order.
And Zuko didn't want to be part of any of it.
Though it seemed appropriate before the Firelord's capture, after everything began to settle, both Iroh and Zuko had come to the conclusion that it was not the time for Zuko to become Firelord. It had seemed poetic, ceremonial. But they knew that Zuko hadn't spent enough time in the royal court to know how to lead a nation, let alone rebuild one. Iroh became the regent ruler, and would be such until Zuko reached the age of 21. He didn't want the day to come.
It had been a year since the Fire Lord's defeat. A year of peace treaties, trade deals, council meetings, and ruling. Zuko had spent that year attentively learning from his uncle. He knew Iroh hated every moment of it. The prince often questioned the universe, asking why a man so good at leading had to despise it. So when the anniversary came, he was excited to see his friends—and spend some time outside of his duties.
The celebration would be held in the Fire Kingdom this year. It seemed fitting. The vibrant land had begun and ended the war. A representative from each kingdom would join together, along with the great heroes.
The day before the official celebration, Toph, along with Suki and the rest of the Kyoshi Warriors, arrived at the Royal Palace. Zuko and Iroh warmly greeted them at the steps.
"Master Toph, it is my honor to welcome you to the Fire Nation." Iroh bowed, "And, the legendary Kyoshi Warriors! Thank you all for joining us."
Toph and the Kyoshi Warriors returned the bow. "Thanks for having us, Iroh." Toph smiled.
Zuko turned to greet Toph but was met with a pulverizing hug of overwhelming strength. Through a crushed windpipe, he managed to get a few words out, "Good to see you, Toph!"
She relinquished him from the hug, "You too, Zuko!", she said before affectionately punching him and turning to chat with Iroh.
"Suki! Tai Lee! How are you guys?" Zuki asked, bowing politely.
Tai Lee responded eagerly, grabbing his forearms excitedly, "Oh, Zuko, things are just great! We've been travelling all over, and I've met so many interesting people! The Warriors are just like sisters to me! ...well, except, I actually like them." She paused for a moment, and her tone shifted, "Zuko… would—would it be alright if I visited Azula?"
He stiffened. Azula. It had been a long time since he visited her.. They hadn't known what to do with her. Iroh had been vehemently against putting her in a prison, and instead opted to keep her in a chamber under the palace, where they would spend months trying to help her. After the search for their mother proved to be fruitless, Zuko tried to see Azula, to mend their relationship. But she had dismissed all gestures of kindness, and refused to speak to him. It seemed that she had lost her will to be herself, or anyone.
"Of course you can, Tai Lee." Zuko said, and cleared his throat, "To be honest, I don't know if she'll be happy to see you. She hasn't spoken to any of us in a long time. But maybe a friend will help. I'll have a guard show you to her."
As he sent Tai Lee with a guard, Suki had remained quiet, watching Zuko. He finally noticed the silence.
"I don't think I got a chance to hear how you were…" Zuko chuckled.
"I'm doing well. Like Tai Lee said, we've been pretty busy travelling." She said.
"It must be hard to find time to see Sokka." Zuko commented.
Suki stuttered, "O-oh. Um, Sokka and I… we kind of…" she swallowed hard.
They broke up? Why hadn't Sokka told him?
"Oh. I'm sorry, Suki, I didn't know. He and I, uh... haven't talked in a while." Zuko said too quickly.
She gave a weak smile, "It's okay. It ended on good terms, and everything. Our lives just got a little too complicated to stay together."
He nodded, "I understand that." and let out a sigh, "Well, there's no need to dwell on that any longer. You're here to celebrate! Let's get you and your warriors situated."
Toph and the Warriors were led to their respective rooms and by evening, Zuko found himself in the gardens, contemplating the day to come. He hadn't seen his friends in a long time. They all had such complex lives; And to his vexation, he found himself wishing that they could all just go back to days without all of the new governing, and relationships, and distance.
As night crept into the sky, Zuko decided that he'd better visit Azula, and see how things went with Tai Lee. He made his way to her chambers, and stood at the door. Maybe Azula, after seeing her friend, had returned to herself, or at least a semblance of herself. He instructed the guards to open the locked door and entered.
Azula sat on the floor, slowly blinking, her face void of emotion.
"Tai Lee told me you talked to her. It's good to hear that.". No response. "You know, I wish you'd talk to me. I know I'm not as good company, but…" He waited for a reaction. Nothing.
He continued,"But I understand why." It felt like something was in his throat, "It's just… it's been a year, Azula, and I don't want to abandon you, or give up on you, but you aren't giving me anything!"
He knelt next to her, "Uncle says maybe you won't ever—or that things may never change." His breath hitched, and his voice felt raw, "But I want them to, Azula. I want you to be back, but as , who isn't poisoned by father, or by anger."
A few tears fell. "I'm lonely, Azula. And I know you are too. I wish we could help each other."
He left without another word.
It was just after sunrise before he could sleep. He woke at a knock on his door.
He groaned, "What is it?"
A clicking sounded and Zuko heard his door open."Um… your uncle wanted someone to grab you, and I thought I'd stop by. You know… say hello?"
Zuko froze. He recognized that voice. Young, bright. "Aang." He rolled over to confirm it. The boy stood in the doorway, awkwardly, a crooked grin on his face.
He hopped out of bed to greet him, barely holding his ground as Aang tackled him in a hug.
"It's good to see you, buddy!" Aang said.
Zuko chuckled and returned the hug, "You too, Aang."
Zuko stepped back and inspected the young avatar. "Damn, you're getting tall!" he observed. The boy had grown in the past year, and was almost as tall as him.
"Yeah, I keep getting that... I'm just glad I'm finally taller than Katara!" Aang chuckled. "Anyways, everyone's here. I'd better let you get ready—I think Sokka might die if we don't start the feast soon. Or at least he thinks he will." They shared a laugh and Aang left to let Zuko get dressed.
The banquet was long and full of speeches and toasts. It was good to see everyone. Katara and Aang were cheerful and warm as ever, Toph surprisingly sweet, and Sokka… At first glance, Sokka seemed like his normal self. But there was something about his laugh. It sounded like it always did—if a bit deeper—but his eyes betrayed him. There was something so amiss about them; they were hardened, sharp. His gaze cut right through Zuko, reducing him to startling silence. If anything was evident, it was that Sokka was no longer the untroubled boy Zuko knew and wrote to months ago.
Iroh was the picture of confidence, power, and compassion. Zuko watched him. The man was tired. He hid it well, but Zuko knew. It racked him with guilt, watching him lead better than he ever would, and hating it just as much.
Zuko tried to take his mind off of it all. He watched the fireworks with anticipation. He danced with Katara and Toph—well, with Toph, it was more like shuffling—over the course of the night. And as it got late, everyone drifted to their rooms, tired from the energetic celebration of the day. Zuko knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, and found himself drawn past the gates of the palace, past the city walls, to the forest.
He'd changed to his street clothes. The warm summer wind swept through the light cloth, and glowed against his skin. As he stepped carefully through the forest, it seemed to swallow him up, darkening behind him. The song of the forest guided him through, lulling him to its center. Zuko knew he couldn't turn back; he wouldn't know where to go.
At the center was a clearing that boasted a bright, quiet fire. A figure sat at the fire, their back to Zuko. As he got closer, he could make out more of the features: A man, broad-shouldered, tall, his head low. Zuko hesitantly lit a flame and approached slowly. The man's face was obscured by a sheet of hair. He took another step and the man abruptly turned to meet him with his sharp eyes.
"Sokka." Zuko said, though it was more like a question.
Sokka's eyes softened. "Zuko?"
Zuko chuckled, "I didn't even recognize you. What with your hair down, and…", He paused, "What're you doing here?"
Sokka ran his hands through his hair. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in a while.
"Well, I was having a hard time sleeping, and—wait what are you doing here?" Sokka asked, like they had run into each other at the market, like it was a funny, harmless coincidence.
Zuko knew he was deflecting, and he shot back at him with sarcasm, "Taking a stroll. Come on, Sokka, why are you in the middle of the forest on a night you should be celebrating with your friends? I'm a loner, so it's expected of me to isolate myself, but you're the… the friendly, quippy guy," Zuko's eyes expressed concern, "What's going on?"
Sokka sighed and looked into the fire, "I know this is gonna sound stupid, but it was like I was… drawn here. Like I needed to come." He looked down. "Y'know, things haven't been so great lately. But as I walked through here, I—I forgot everything, I could just breathe."
Zuko nodded, "I like to come to the forest on nights like this, when no one will notice my absence. I'm not sure why, but I feel connected to the spirits here. Maybe that's why you were drawn here. Maybe the spirits are calling to you."
Sokka let out a bitter snort, "The spirits have never wanted much to do with me. I don't know what they'd want with me now. It's not like I'm a ben—" He stopped, and closed his eyes, "—like I have a connection to them."
Zuko sat next to Sokka and watched as the shell of his friend stared into the fire. As he poured his emptiness into it, and watched it burn into the night sky. What could he say? What could he do, but watch? Finally, he turned his body to face him.
He avoided Sokka's eyes, "You know, after Mai and I broke up, it felt like everything had fallen to shit. You and Suki might—"
"It's not Suki." Sokka cut him off. "I mean… sure, that's part of it, but that's not what this is. We couldn't be together realistically, without one of us sacrificing ourselves, and I've accepted that. That's not…"
He sighed. It was an exhausted sigh, drained.
"I've been fighting for so long. You know, Fire Nation attacks when I was just little… and then it was 'Protect the village. Protect Katara', until we met Aang. For a year, I planned, and planned. I strategized, and I… I kept everything together. And then it was just over. And I'm still fighting."
Sokka swallowed hard, "I mean, my people still need me, and I still want to help them, I do. But… everything I did was so that I could be doing this with my friends, my family. And everyone's gone. My dad's busy between the tribes, and when he has time to see me, I can tell that he's just waiting to hear what else I'm doing, and I have nothing to tell him. Katara's either travelling with Aang or helping the colonies. Toph's got her metal-bending school. Suki's helping Aang." Sokka's eyes met Zuko's.
And me? What about me, Sokka? Zuko wanted to ask.
"It's like, I'm useless without a war to fight because I have no real power, no real value to anyone. And it's like… I was a specific person for so long. I was the sarcastic, funny, planner-guy. And no one wants to see me as anything else. Everyone wants me to stay as the person I was, the person I became to cope with the greatest crisis of my life."
Zuko heard the words he'd said the night before, echo, "I'm lonely. I'm so, so lonely."
Zuko nodded, "I'm sorry that's happening." He didn't know what else to say.
Sokka met his eyes, and understanding washed over him. "You're lonely too. Did… did you say you and Mai broke up?"
"Yeah. We did." Zuko searched Sokka's eyes, and found safety. "It wasn't fair to her. Um… well, I don't really… like girls i—in that way. I like..." He couldn't finish the sentence, shame crept up to his face.
Sokka reached out and gave Zuko's arm a reassuring squeeze. His hand was so cold, Zuko swore it should have melted against his hot skin.
"I understand." His smile was so kind, so impossibly genuine that Zuko's eyes welled up.
"Really?" Zuko blinked back tears.
Sokka nodded, "Really." He paused, "Well, I mean… not exactly. I… I like girls and guys. Does anyone else know?"
"Mai… she was the one that really brought it up in the first place."
He let go of his arm, and Zuko immediately missed the touch."But not your uncle? You don't think he'd be upset, do you?"
Zuko shrugged, "I mean, I know he wouldn't outwardly be angry. But I can't help but think that I'm one mistake away from his disappointment. I mean, I know it's stupid, but what if this is just something he can't forgive?"
"It's nothing to forgive, Zuko. It's just who you are. So unless your uncle has secretly been kind and accepting to literally everyone just to secretly hate you for this, I don't think he'll be disappointed. But you should wait until you're ready."
"Have you told anyone?" Zuko asked.
"It's… different in the Water Tribe. I don't know about the Northern Water Tribe, but back home, men and women are separated often enough that it's only natural for them to find love and comfort where they can. I never really had to… come out about it. Not that I really had a chance to date. But it's always been something I've known about myself and that my family knows too. I figure… if I'm with a guy, anyone who needs to know will know."
Zuko studied him. He really had changed a lot since they'd last seen one another. His face was fuller, stronger. His ears didn't stick out any longer. He'd completely bulked up, and grown taller. He was wearing his hair down, and it framed his jaw. His smile was the same, though. Always the same.
It was his eyes. They held so much within them. When he looked into them, it was like lightning struck him, crashing against waves and rocky shores. A storm waiting to lull him in with one beautiful moment before completely overtaking him. He wasn't sure how someone from the Water Tribe could have eyes that burned just like lightning, but they did.
Sokka noticed his staring. He cleared his throat, "Anyways… I gave you my sob story. What's been happening in Zuko-town?"
The corner of Zuko's mouth twitched. "I'm tired. I know I have a job to do, and that it's my duty to take the throne, but I don't want to. Iroh hates it. He hasn't wanted it since he fought in the war, and even before that... I don't know if he ever truly did. But he's doing it for his country. And for me. But I know he expects me to take it in three years. And I have to. But I'm just… so tired."
He sighed, "I looked for my mother. My father told me next to nothing. She's gone. I don't know where, and I don't even know if she's alive. And Azula… she's become… nothing. She doesn't talk or think. She barely eats or sleeps. And I just want to help her, which is crazy, but she's my sister and I feel like I need to. I wish I could heal her, and I wish I could ask Katara to… to try something, but I know that it's too much, too far."
"You know…" He scoffed, "I spent so many years chasing at any hope to return home… to belong here. And now that I'm here… I don't want it."
Sokka huffed, "Isn't the world just so... stupid? I worked so hard to keep my home safe, and you worked so hard to get back to yours, and neither of us are happy. I'm just sick of it…"
"You're sick of the whole world?" Zuko said, meaning to tease him.
Sokka frowned. "Yeah. I am. All of it. I wish I was just—just a spirit in this stupid forest, trapping lonely people inside."
His words were joking, but Zuko knew his tone was serious. Before he could even think about it, he knelt in front of Sokka and seized his forearms, staring right into those eyes which held so much power over him.
"Sokka…" He began before being cut off.
Sokka turned his face away from him, "God, I'm useless. I'm tired of being useless! There's nothing I can do, and there's no one who needs me. I—"
Zuko grabbed at his chin and turned his face to his, so that he was looking him dead-on. "Listen to me, you're not useless, Sokka. Your people need you, your family needs you, and your friends need you." I need you. "You're the only person who I've ever told about everything. You're real, and you know how to talk to people, and you…"
Zuko became violently aware of how close their faces were. He could feel Sokka's breath on the tip of his nose. His heart pounded in his ears. He loosened his grip on his chin and despite his inner-voice telling him to stop, he brushed his fingers across Sokka's jaw. The full attention of his eyes made him feel small, like he would forever be encompassed by his gaze.
He withdrew his arm, slowly. Guiltily.
"Um... you…", he sputtered and looked away.
"Zuko…" Sokka's voice was hoarse, barely a was something odd about the way he said it, something tender. It hit Zuko in the pit of his stomach.
He snapped back to face him, "Stay." He hadn't meant it so brashly. But he had meant it.
Sokka squinted, "I—what?"
Zuko nodded methodically, "You should stay. Here. In the Fire Nation." With me.
"But what would I—"
"You could be on the council. I'll make you the Water Tribe ambassador! Just for a few months—or longer, whatever you'd like." Zuko said brightly.
Zuko could almost see the gears turning in Sokka's mind. "That… that's not a bad idea. I mean, I could help negotiate trade, and laws, and…" He stopped, "But, do you think they'd let me? Let a tribesman join the council?"
"Well, I think Uncle would be all for it. So if you've got the Firelord, and future Firelord vouching for you, I think it'll work out." Zuko smiled softly.
Sokka considered carefully. "Yeah. I could stay. Do something. Something worthwhile."
"You should." Zuko searched his eyes, to make sure he was serious. When he determined that he was, he stood up and reached his hand out to Sokka, "Well then, we'd better find a way out of this forest."
The two grinned as Zuko helped Sokka to his feet.
"Lead the way, Ambassador."