"Kate, what are you really scared of? That he won't wait for you? Or that he will?"
Burke posed the question as if the answer should be staring her in the face, but for Kate Beckett, nothing was ever that simple.
"Both." She replied, sinking into the over-sized leather chair she had become increasingly familiar with these last months.
"Can you talk more about that? Maybe explain what you mean?"
Burke leaned forward in his chair, as if to encourage her answer.
"Of course, I am terrified he will get tired of waiting; that he will move on before I am ready. I am scared he didn't understand what I meant when we talked on the swings."
"You mean when you discussed the walls that need to come down before you can have a relationship with him?" Burke interrupted, to clarify.
"Yeah. But the way I said it was much less direct. Our relationship has always been about the subtext. I told him I couldn't have the kind of relationship I wanted until the walls I'd built came down. And I told him that wasn't going to happen until my mom's case was solved."
At this point, Kate stood and began to pace around the office, a habit she'd formed when her thoughts got too big to be contained to a chair.
"What worries me," she continued "is whether or not Castle understood the relationship I want is with him. If he didn't he might move on before I am ready to face how we feel about each other."
"How you feel about each other?" Burke interrupted again. His eyebrows had crept up his forehead, the only emotion his face ever betrayed.
Kate stopped pacing and looked at him in a panic. She hadn't meant to say that.
"How he feels about me. What he said to me when I was shot." She stammered.
Burke put a hand up to stop her. "Kate, I know you didn't mean to reveal that your feelings for Castle might be the same as his for you. I will not ask you to explore that slip today. Although, you will have to eventually."
Kate breathed a sigh of relief and returned to her chair.
"For now," Burke continued, "let's talk about the other side of this issue. Tell me why you're scared he will wait for you."
Kate took a moment to run her fingers through her hair and organize her thoughts. She couldn't afford another slip. She knew eventually she would need to address her feelings for Castle, but not today.
"I am scared I will have done the work to take down my walls and it won't be enough; that will still won't be able to be open and truly let him in. But mostly, I am scared if he does wait until I am ready, he won't want me when I tell him I lied." She said in a small voice.
"That you lied about hearing his confession when you were shot?" Burke inquired.
"Yes." Kate whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "What if everything I am doing here is for nothing? At the end of it, I will still have to tell him that I lied and risk him walking away for good."
Burke studied her for a moment. Something she noticed he does when formulating what he wants to say next.
"What if there were a way to work on letting him in and work up to confessing?" Burke offered, slowly.
Kate raised her head to look across at the man. She wiped her eyes and indicated that he should continue.
"I want to preface my next suggestion by reiterating that the longer you wait to tell him, the harder it will be for you and the worse it will be for him."
Kate nodded. She knew this already, but she didn't feel strong enough to reveal a truth that would shake, and possibly destroy, the very foundation of their relationship.
"That being said," Burke continued "if you feel you cannot tell him so monumental right now, my advice is to start small."
"What do you mean, start small?" Kate asked with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation.
"Just what I said." Burke replied. "Start with small confessions. You have shared things about your life over the course of your partnership, have you not?"
"Yeah. I mean he did base a character in one of his books on me. So, he knows more than most."
"True," Burke conceded "But I suggest you share things he doesn't know. Share with him the things you've held back. It can be thoughts about him, your partnership, or the experiences you've shared. Just try to share only the things that you otherwise wouldn't, the details that scare you a little… or a lot. Make each confession a little larger, scarier, more substantial than the one before. Treat each one as an open door. If he wants to talk about what you said, don't shut him down. Let that conversation happen and be as open and honest as you can. I think, by starting small and opening up to him a little at a time will bring you closer together, and hopefully, when the time comes to tell him about the day you were shot you will be ready."
Kate contemplated the man's words. It was a good idea, she thought. She had slowly opened herself to Castle over the last year before she was shot, ever since he came back from the Hamptons. She thought about why it had been so easy to share pieces of herself and her life then, but it wasn't now. Other than the seismic shift the bullet in her chest followed by Castle's confession had caused, the only explanation she could come up with was Josh. Her relationship with him had given her an excuse not to examine her feelings for Castle too closely. After she had watched him walk away with Gina, she was all to happy to put those feelings in a box and hide in her relationship with Josh.
She already knew Castle had been right that night in her apartment, when he accused her of hiding in no where relationships with men she didn't love. Kate wondered, as she sat in the fading light of the office, if he had been right about more than just that. Was her own fear keeping her from the happiness she deserved?
"So what do you think?"
Burke's voice jolted Kate from her thoughts.
"I think," she began "this idea scares the hell out of me, but becoming someone worthy of Castle is more important than my fear. So I am going to do this. Just have to figure out where to start."
"Why not start with me?" Burke suggested.
"What do you mean, start with you?"
"Start by telling him that you're seeing me."
"I thought you said I should start small?" Kate laughed. "If my opening confession is about my therapy, he will want to know why I am going. If you want me to discuss that, I might as well confess that I remember everything right then and there. No. I think I will start with something much smaller. Now, how often I am to make these confessions?"
"As often as you have courage to, but no less than one a week. I think you will find the more you're willing to be open, the easier it will become. Just try to let the confessions build on one another. I realize this won't always be possible, but opening up and talking honestly is really the point."
"Okay." Kate said, standing to take her leave. "Start small, build to the big stuff, be honest and talk about to him. I can do that. I think. I hope. No, I can. I have to."
Burke hid a small smile behind his hand as he stood to walk her to the door.
"See you in a week. And Kate," She turned back to look at him. "I know you're scared now, but it will be worth it in the end."
Kate left the therapists office, but instead of feeling drained and emotionally raw as she usually did at the end of a session, she felt determined and maybe a little eager to start her weekly confessional with Castle.
Pulling her phone from her pocket, she powered it on. After a quick check with the boys that no bodies had dropped while she was unplugged, she scrolled to Castle's name and sent him a quick text.
No case today. Unless a body drops, I am not needed at the precinct. Want to get coffee?
His reply came almost immediately.
An excuse to spend time with you without a whiteboard between us? Name the time and place. I will be there.
A/N: Despite being a collection of one shots, this is my first multi-chapter. I am going to shoot for once a week updates, but that may prove to be a gross overestimate of my free time. So let's just say I will update when I can and leave it at that.