Author's Note: So - this is not a commitment to updating any WIPs, but I've been back on my magic ninja bullshit and working on - various things, so we'll see? In the meantime, please enjoy an awkward non-explicit bar threesome because why not (actual reason: I saw a prompt for "performative making out leads to actual sex" and immediately thought of these two).

Make-Out Purgatory

Jiraiya sadly pushed his empty sake cup around the bar's top without bothering to call for a refill and sighed, cursing his luck. Tsunade off on a date with Dan, his favorite bath-house closed for renovations, the first couple of bars he'd gone to having couples-only nights, and the one he had ended up at...

The blonde cutie on his right giggled at something the short-haired woman behind the bar said, leaning forward; just past her, a pair of brunettes were trading shots and dirty jokes, one with her hand halfway up the other's jacket. And that wasn't even getting into the things he'd seen when he had dared venture into the men's room.

"What a charming establishment this is," Orochimaru said from his left, looking around with apparent enjoyment. "Such a pleasant ambience. I'm surprised that you knew about it."

"Sadist," Jiraiya grumbled, and he buried his head in his arms. "Beautiful girls everywhere, and not a single chance for me..." Of course this had been the one time Orochimaru would agree to go out drinking with him. Of course Orochimaru would like a place like this. And it had been such a long day of missions - trying to find another bar to drink in was far too much trouble. No, he would simply have to suffer in noble silence the slings and arrows of unrequited yearning! With a little help from his hand and his imagination, naturally - but still, nothing like the real thing, and he heaved another sigh.

The blonde cutie glanced over at him and chirped, "You shouldn't be so down on yourself!" She patted his hand and waved at the bartender. "Refills, pretty please, Mayu-nee! This drink's on me - but really, you're a handsome one. I'm sure there's someone here for you!" She lowered her voice. "Or perhaps - someone who's already with you?"

He blinked at her, wondering if she was hallucinating or knew about Tsunade, somehow, but she nudged his arm and tilted her head significantly at Orochimaru. Who was still basking in the so-called "pleasant ambience" of the bar and paying his usual amount of attention to Jiraiya, zero. "Ah, lovely miss, that's not quite - we're, you know, teammates, that's a bit different."

"It is?" She pouted. "But you two look so comfortable together already, that's such a good basis for a relationship. And the contrast in your looks..." It was her turn to sigh, but dreamily. "You'd be stunning together, really!"

"Oh - really? Eheh..." Not exactly the kind of thing he'd been hoping to hear from a knockout like her, but it was rather sweet, in an odd way. And hmm, he'd heard a bit about this kind of thing, hadn't he - maybe if Orochimaru was willing to play along... "Well - perhaps it could be like that," he said, stalling, "but you know - he's so shy about these things - who can tell... It'd really be up to him."

"Mm? What's up to me?"

Oh. Oh, no. Orochimaru had always been unfairly pretty in a way that turned all the girls' heads, but relaxed and curious, the bar's low lights gleaming off that long dark hair and his ivory-pale skin - oh, no. Even knowing full well he was a man couldn't stop Jiraiya's heart from racing. "Er - that is - this beautiful young lady and I were just -"

"I was saying what a shame it would be, if you let your poor teammate go home all alone!" the little minx said cheerily. "You're just so cute together - you know, my type is more Mayu-nee, but what I really like the most is seeing two people realize their feelings together. It makes me feel so happy!"

"Oh?" Orochimaru's mouth quirked in not quite a smile. "Have we realized something about ourselves, Jiraiya?"

Jiraiya stamped down his instinctive No, you stuck-up snake! and tried a smile. "Eheheh - perhaps?" What a score it would be, if it worked - but whether it did or not, he'd never be able to brag about it. "You - you are pretty reliable as a teammate, after all - and certainly you're not going to lose to anyone in a battle of looks, or wit, or charm..."

The blonde was on the edge of her bar stool, her hands clasped in eager anticipation, but all Jiraiya could see were Orochimaru's eyes reflecting golden light, the elegant curve of his narrow lips as he said, "Is that all you can think of?"

Ah, to hell with it. Jiraiya took Orochimaru by the arms, leaned in, and kissed him.

That damned jerk didn't even have the decency to protest, like a good teammate definitely would have. His mouth opened for Jiraiya like a - er, probably most flowers didn't have quite such long, agile tongues - and his arms twined around Jiraiya's back to pull him closer. When Jiraiya reached up to bury his hands in Orochimaru's thick hair, the bastard even moaned. No, no, no, he wasn't supposed to get that into it - but then, Jiraiya wasn't doing so hot at resisting himself. Was it because he'd struck out so often recently? He couldn't really be enjoying kissing Orochimaru so much - the softness of his hair, the cool clean taste of his lips, that absolutely forbidden tongue...

The blonde squealed with joy. "Oh, I knew it! I knew you were just made for each other! Ahh, I'm as happy as could be!"

Orochimaru, because he was the worst, broke the kiss to say, "Oh - was that enough to satisfy you, miss?"

"Mm, hmm - well..." She put a finger on her own lips and whispered, "If you wanted to explore your feelings even more, you know - Mayu-nee keeps some rooms upstairs for guests who don't want to go home... They're not too pricey, either."

"I see. How generous of her."

"Right, right? Mayu-nee's the best!"

"And, er - if we did - want to do that," Jiraiya said, "you might be interested in accompanying us, perhaps?" Generally his imagination wandered in the direction of a beauty joining him and Tsunade, but when opportunity was knocking so loudly and obviously...

"Oh, may I? I didn't want to be rude and ask, but if you're okay with it - I know lots of fun things we can all do! Or I'm fine with staying out of your way - whatever you'd like!"

As the blonde led them upstairs, Jiraiya caught himself thinking, Well - this probably won't be the strangest way I ever get laid...

He woke up first; the room was still dark, with only the faintest of gray pre-dawn light seeping through the windows. On his right, the lovely blonde was fast asleep, clinging to his arm with her hair an adorable fuzzy mess all over the pillows. On his left - he squeezed his eyes shut, steeling himself, before looking.

Yep. That was definitely Orochimaru snuggled into his shoulder with a hand curled possessively on his chest. Before Jiraiya could so much as think about reacting, one eye opened a sliver. "Having regrets already, Jiraiya?"

Jiraiya huffed, but quietly, so as not to be so ungentlemanly as to wake up the lady. "Asking me that after going along so nicely... Maybe that should be my question, hm?"

"Hardly an answer to mine, however."

"Hmf..." Jiraiya scowled, then wriggled his left arm free enough to pat Orochimaru's head. "Of course not! But - let's absolutely never tell Tsunade about this, all right?"

"If that's what you want."