First Degree Snippets

One-Shot 1: Alex discloses to Olivia

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about my stories or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

I hope everyone is still safe and healthy! We get through this together by staying apart.

Hello First Degree fans! I'm back with the first one-shot, where Alex discloses to Olivia. I've missed this story, so I'm excited to get back to it. I've also started a Cabenson fic called Stay. And I have to say, I'm already in love with it. I'd be honored if you read it.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subject of sexual assault. ANGST TO COME!

Amanda looked up to see Liv entering their bedroom, and after a long day of nothing but studying, the brunette was a sight for sore eyes. But she only looked up for a moment, returning to the article in front of her. "Hey, how was work?"

Olivia approached her wife, letting her fingernails scrape lightly against her scalp while she pressed a kiss to her temple. Rule number one in the Benson household was "Never distract Amanda with a kiss while she's trying to pass her first semester of law school." A brush against her hairline would have to satiate the older woman for now. "Good. How's studying going?"

"It's good. Did you know it's illegal to release twenty-five or more helium balloons in Suffolk County?"

"Wow." Olivia chuckled, hovering over Amanda's laptop. "Just fascinating. I can't wait for your first balloon case." The sergeant sat next to the blonde on the bed, pulling off her shoes and sighing at the new freedom of her constricted feet. "So, Alex wanted to get dinner. Do you want to come with us?"

Amanda squinted in surprise for a moment. Alex was getting really good at accepting invitations to socialize, but she still didn't often extend them. Still, the law student knew that any time the ADA found the strength to get out of her own head and reach out to one of her friends, the opportunity should be seized at all costs. "Oh, no. I have quite a bit of work to do here. But you go. I'll order Chinese or something."

Liv lifted her wife's extended legs and rested them on her lap, taking a few moments to massage her feet. Amanda had been working part-time at the precinct, just three days a week, which was only financially possible for the couple because of Olivia's promotion, and the younger woman was absolutely loving law school, but she didn't love the long hours of nothing but reading. She knew she had to learn the law before she could practice it, but the brunette could tell that Amanda sometimes felt trapped at home. "You sure you don't want to get out of the house? I'm sure Alex could help you study."

"Yeah," Amanda stressed. The last thing she wanted was to fill a pleasant evening for the attorney with statutes and precedents. She needed to just be a person sometimes, and the younger blonde was happy to facilitate that. "I'll see you later."

Finally, she leaned forward to capture Olivia's lips in hers, letting them linger for longer than usual and surrendering to the warmth of gratitude and love. Her wife had been so supportive of her the past year and a half since her assault, and Amanda was acutely aware that she didn't have the words to express her appreciation. A kiss usually sufficed.

"Time to put my shoes back on," Olivia grumbled, groaning as she bent over to receive said items.

"You can wear something more comfortable," Amanda suggested with a light laugh, setting her laptop aside and scooting forward on the bed, reaching out a hand to massage the tense muscles of her wife's shoulder blades. "You must be exhausted. This case has been hard on all of us. I'm sure Alex would understand if you wanted to take a rain check."

"No, I really do need to go somewhere other than the station. Besides, I think Alex wanted to talk about something."

"About the case?" she asked.

"Not sure. But you know how Alex gets with 'he said/she said's."

It was a pattern Amanda had noticed fairly early on in her tenure with SVU. Any case involving shaky circumstantial evidence where the 'she didn't say no' argument came up completely drove the attorney off the wall. Rollins didn't blame her. Sexual assault was the only crime where the victim was often questioned more harshly than the alleged perpetrator, the only crime where people wondered if the victim wanted it to happen. It was infuriating to anyone involved in the investigation of these offenses, but for survivors, it was downright agonizing. Amanda knew that Cabot hadn't told Olivia about what had happened to her in her twenties yet, but she figured the time would come sooner rather than later, with the Me Too movement gaining traction by the month. The blonde shrugged. "Well, whatever it is, I'm sure you'll be a good sounding board for her."

After one more sweet kiss, Olivia left the apartment, driving to a local restaurant where she knew the ADA would be waiting. Early was on time and on time was late in the Cabot family, and the woman hadn't managed to un-condition herself as she aged. Good thing the habit came in handy with her profession. The younger woman waved her friend over, and soon the women were chatting easily over a bottle of chardonnay. Alex had begun drinking again in small amounts, but only at social events with few people and definitely only when she trusted each individual in attendance. Clearly, Olivia met those requirements.

They ate their food in silence for several minutes, but soon the casual air around them grew heavy, and Olivia could tell Alex was struggling with something. "This case seems to be bothering you even more than usual."

Damn Sergeant Benson and her fifteen years of getting people to talk. "I just hate when defendants claim that an established relationship is an excuse for rape, or that rape can't exist within the confines of a marriage. An intimate relationship should feel safe, should be safe. You should never have to fear for your safety—physical, emotional, sexual. The person you're dating should love you, respect you. I just don't understand. I don't care that he's dating her—her body doesn't belong to him!" A few diners in the restaurant looked towards the duo as Cabot's voice grew heavy with vitriol, so she intentionally checked her tone, leaning towards the other woman. "It's fucking mindboggling."

It was no secret that Alex was passionate about the cases she tried, but Olivia could count on one hand the amount of times she had outright yelled about one in her presence. The Roy Barnett case was one. Amanda's was another. "Sounds like you have your closing statement written."

Alex sighed. She hadn't planned this, and she knew Olivia would never try to force it out of her, but she also wouldn't have been surprised to find out that the brunette already suspected something. All cases bothered Cabot to some degree. She firmly believed that a prosecutor needed to be deeply invested in the outcomes of the cases they tried, lest the victims they fought for not get the justice they deserved. But there was a clear pattern here, and she was more than aware that Liv was a talented cop who would be able to tell when there was more to the story. There was really no point in keeping this secret any longer. She had people like Amanda and Olivia in her life, and they would certainly be on her side. So why was it still so hard to say the words? How difficult must it have been for Amanda to testify about her assault if Alex was finding it near impossible to disclose to one of her best friends? "Do you remember when you came to tell me that Casey wanted to say hi at the wedding, and it looked like I was crying?"

"Yes, of course. Amanda said you guys had a heart to heart."

The blonde worried her lower lip, sipping her water in order to afford herself more time to think. "Did she ever tell you what we talked about?" she asked nervously, setting her glass down.

Olivia shook her head, recalling her conversation with her wife. "No, it was clear you were talking in confidence. I never asked, and she never offered anything up."

"Long version or short version?"

Benson's eyes widened. The long version or short version of what? "I…uh," she stammered, "whichever you want to tell me."

Alex should have expected that. She laughed a mirthless laugh, drinking from her glass once more, this time choosing the one containing alcohol. "Basically, there's a reason these cases make me crazy."

"Oh, Alex, they make me crazy, too," Liv argued.

"You also have a reason."

Point and counterpoint.

"Look, Liv, I—I clearly have a habit of making happy occasions awkward. Call me 'Buzzkill Cabot.'"

Olivia covered her friend's frantically moving hand with her own. "Alex," she said softly, searching for eye contact. "Whatever it is—just tell me. You know you can tell me anything." She squeezed the hand that she now held in hers, and when the attorney finally looked up at her, her tearful expression said it all.

"So, Amanda already knows this, but don't be mad at her because I made her promise not to tell you. The short of it is that I had a boyfriend while I was in law school. Well, it was about to be an arranged marriage. His name was Conrad, and his drink of choice was vodka. And his favorite hangover cure was…sex." She let the word float in the air, stressing it to ensure Liv knew she wasn't really referring to sex.

"Alex—"

"Please let me finish before I change my mind." She waited for a nod before inhaling deeply. "It lasted about six months. And he drank almost every night. Eventually, it was just something I expected as part of my nightly routine. Shower. Brush my teeth. Get in bed. Stare at the ceiling. I knew on some level that it was wrong, but I couldn't imagine that it was illegal. We were dating, and I didn't tell him no."

"But you also didn't—"

"—tell him yes, I know. Why do you think I've fought so hard for affirmative consent? I know what he did to me was rape. But a jury would have reasonable doubt."

Olivia didn't exactly see this coming, but she definitely wasn't surprised. She had so many questions on the tip of her tongue—How long ago was this? Did you tell anyone? Where is this son of a bitch now?—but she knew the results wouldn't be fruitful, so she simply squeezed her friend's hand. "And with Amanda's trial and everything, you still kept it to yourself?"

"I was embarrassed, Olivia. A sex crimes prosecutor who wouldn't admit she'd been raped? I have a chance to make chief ADA soon. I want to run for District Attorney. I'd only be the second woman, after Nora Lewin. I don't want to be seen as a hypocrite."

"Alex, you have every right to come forward at the time and in the way that feels right for you. I just hate that you've carried this with you for all these years."

Cabot smiled. It was a sad smile, but there was a twinge of hope to it, a hint of relief, of power. "Well, that ends now."

A/N: I hope you enjoyed. Updates on these will be sporadic, but feel free to request one-shots from this universe. I'm sure ratings with vary, but I'm going to publish it as T and go from there. Chapter 3 of Stay should be up soon.