in which your adhd author attempts to do an alphabet challenge. will not be published in an alphabetical order because i can't write things in order like that.

letter: a
word prompt: anxiety

title from cave in by owl city

XxX

Tamaki hates this. Hates himself. Hates hating this.

He doesn't always have this much of an issue with crowds – just… most of the time. Less so when he's with Mirio, far more so when he's alone. He doesn't like it when people stare at him, which they do sometimes because he's tall and has pointy ears and carries himself precisely like a person begging to be ignored, but when he's with Mirio, it's him people look at, because Mirio radiates warmth and light and confidence, the perfect picture of a hero even as a civilian. And Tamaki's own personal shield from the world, ever since they were nine years old.

Right now, though, Tamaki is standing at the outskirts of a crowd, without Mirio. Without Mirio. People walk past him and take glances at him and it makes his skin prickle, makes him go simultaneously hot and cold all over, makes something tighten around his lungs, and his heartbeat keeps getting louder and louder and louder and he hates it, and he hates that he's going to ruin today, and Mirio will be disappointed even if he always says he isn't. But Tamaki knows he is, he has to be; there's no way he's not disappointed when half the time they have to cut dates and events and pretty much all other activities short before Tamaki makes himself physically sick with anxiety.

(Last week. The last time was last week. It's been the same song for ten years and all this time Mirio has been so endlessly patient Tamaki sometimes doesn't know what to do with that.)

The thing is, up until about three minutes ago, today was a good day.

Then his brain decided to ruin it, and now all he can hear is his heartbeat accentuating the rush of blood in his ears.

He's startled from his accelerating thought spiral by a small hand slipping into his, and it's almost embarrassing how proud he is of himself for not spontaneously sprouting wings. Tamaki whips his head to the left and brings his eyes down, until he meets a wide, bright red stare.

Right. He's at the zoo with Mirio and Eri. Mirio is currently in the middle of the crowd buying ice cream, and Tamaki is waiting for him with Eri. Right.

Eri tugs at his hand in a way he's learned means down, so Tamaki complies and crouches down to her eye-level. He doesn't really know how to read her, like he doesn't know how to read most people who aren't Mirio, but he thinks there's something like determination in the little crease between her brows. The fact that he can hear his too-fast heartbeat doesn't exactly help.

"Is Tamaki okay?" she asks, voice small but eyes looking straight into Tamaki's. Her other small hand joins the first in gripping Tamaki's hand, and it's only then that he realizes he's shaking. Not badly, but definitely on the way there.

Too stunned and embarrassed to give her a verbal answer, Tamaki instead finds himself nodding numbly, slowly. Eri looks unconvinced, Tamaki thinks. Or maybe he's just imagining it, or reading too much into it – both are entirely possible, because if there's one thing he's really good at, besides ruining nice things, it's overthinking.

But before he can take that train of thought and steer it straight off the rails, Eri lets go of his hand, takes two steps closer, and reaches to wrap her arms around his neck. His own arms move in accordance on pure instinct even as he's barely registering what's happening.

"Doesn't have to be," she says quietly next to Tamaki's ear, and somehow… somehow that makes him feel better – the constricting feeling in his chest eases a little, at least, and the tidal wave of blood in his ears recedes.

Eri bounces on her feet a little, but she doesn't let go of Tamaki.

"Up?" Tamaki guesses, voice just as quiet as Eri's, because up is where she generally likes to be, at least with him or Mirio, or her dads. She nods into Tamaki's shoulder, so he adjusts his hold on her and stands up. It hits him, not for the first time, just how small she really is, feather-light and fragile in his arms.

Tamaki takes a breath to steady himself, more mentally than physically, and makes a decision: he's not going to ruin Eri's day. He will not do that to her. He'll think of this trip as hero work if that's what it takes, but he'll walk through the aquarium that's next on their list without having an anxiety attack even if it means suffering through a delayed one once he gets home.

Mirio doesn't like it when he does that, but maybe he'll understand this time. It's for Eri, after all.

People keep walking past, and they keep taking glances at him, and it's still bad and awful and terrible, but Eri's weight keeps him at least somewhat grounded. She twists so that her face is no longer hidden in the crook of Tamaki's neck and gives him a sunny smile he doesn't know what to do with besides offering an attempt at the same, but before he can start berating himself about that, Eri perks up and detaches one arm from around Tamaki's neck.

Following her gaze to see what she's waving at, Tamaki quickly spots Mirio making his way through the moving crowd back to them, trying to balance two ice cream cones and a small cup in his hands. It doesn't take too long for him to cross the distance between them, and then he's already kissing Tamaki's cheek in greeting. Tamaki doesn't even try to fight the small smile that forces itself through.

"You wouldn't believe the line there was to that ice cream booth!" Mirio says, animated as always, turning to Eri. "But I guess that has to mean they have really good ice cream, right?" He hands her the cardboard cup, bowing a little as he does, and Tamaki can practically feel her vibrating with excitement against him as she reaches to take it and nods vigorously.

Eri stares at the cup for a moment, thoughtful, and then tries to detach her other hand from around Tamaki as well but that results in her almost tipping over and falling, that fate only prevented by Tamaki's reflexes kicking in as he quickly pulls her back upright by her shoulder. Mirio's hand comes to rest on Tamaki's.

"Careful there," Mirio chuckles. "Do you wanna switch?" he then asks, hand already moving to take Eri, but before Tamaki has the chance to say anything to that, she shakes her head and presses herself closer to Tamaki. Mirio looks a little surprised by that – Eri is usually very much willing to be held by him, after all –, and Tamaki imagines he's making the same expression. The small crease of determination is back between her brows.

"But you can't eat your ice cream like that," Mirio says, confusion evident in his tone as he points at the plastic spoon sticking from the cup in Eri's hand. She looks at it and then turns her eyes to Tamaki, hesitation clear on her face.

Tamaki, in turn, turns to look at Mirio, feeling a little helpless here because it's Mirio who is good with kids and it's Mirio Eri is attached to, not Tamaki. Except that she is currently very attached to Tamaki, it seems, and Tamaki has no idea what he's supposed to do now.

But instead of helping him somehow, Mirio just shrugs and smiles and takes a bite from one of the ice cream cones still in his hands, forcing Tamaki to remember that Mirio, too, is a flawed human being sometimes. And Eri is still looking at him expectantly, torn between her ice cream and staying close to Tamaki, as if he has a solution for her.

"What if we–" he starts, but cuts himself short as he realizes he doesn't know what he's trying to say, just before the idea forms in his mind. He tries again. "What if we found somewhere to sit? So we can stay almost like this but you can have both of your hands?" He thinks it's a pretty solid idea, so there's no reason for him to sound as unsure as he does at least in his own head. But the real test is whether Eri thinks it's a viable plan or not, and Tamaki can't read her at all, so maybe some of his insecurity is warranted.

Eri thinks about this for a moment, clearly giving the suggestion some serious thought, before her face brightens. "Okay!"

And because Mirio is Mirio and thus the best thing in Tamaki's entire world, he has already found them a bench, so that's where Tamaki makes his way. Eri is back to practically vibrating, which Tamaki supposes is because the two scoops of ice cream in her cup are both new flavors for her. She and Mirio had a very serious discussion about what she wanted to try, earlier.

Tamaki sits down and lets go of Eri, allowing her the freedom to decide how she wants to do this. After a bit of adjusting she settles to sitting next to him, shoulder pressed to his side.

Mirio hands Tamaki the untouched cone and crouches down in front of Eri. "Eri-chan," he says, smile gentle. "Can I sit next to you?"

"You can," Eri tells him, nodding, so Mirio sits down on her other side. He leaves a bit of space between them, Tamaki notes; probably in light of her earlier refusal to be carried by him. However, she turns to him, and Tamaki can only assume they're having some kind of a nonverbal conversation because neither of them says anything. He concludes he's probably right when he sees Mirio smile and shift closer to her.

With that, Eri is apparently content with their sitting arrangement now that she's practically sandwiched between them, so she finally digs into her ice cream.

"Oh," she says after the first spoonful. Tamaki thinks there's something like wonder in her voice – on her face, too. "It's fluffy." She takes another spoonful of the same, and Tamaki finally turns his attention to his strawberry ice cream before it starts melting.

Something touching his back startles him, and he snaps his head up to find that Mirio has his arm stretched along the back of the bench, sneakily bringing his hand to cup Tamaki's shoulder. He gives Tamaki another one of those sun-powered smiles, the kind that has always made Tamaki feel all warm and safe inside, and then he leans closer, tugging at Tamaki's shoulder a little, and–

oh.

He tastes like chocolate.

Tamaki smiles into the kiss.

XxX

thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it!

i'm more active on ao3 (queerheda) where this challenge exists as a series, and i'll be taking ideas and requests for this challenge on tumblr (also queerheda) if that might interest you.