September
James is going to keep throwing notes at Lily while McGonagall's head is turned until she opens one of them. He knows she'll get tired of it eventually and cave. They're all variations of the same concept and question, why the fuck did she drop Care of Magical Creatures, and was it because of him? He bounces in his seat and shoots a triumphant smile at Sirius when she huffs and pulls the latest note out of her hair to open it.
Evans, could you please just talk to me? Did you seriously drop care of magical creatures because of me? I know you keep saying I need to stop thinking everything is about me but Mary, Marlene, and Alice are all still taking it and I know you got an E so I just don't understand why you would have dropped it if it wasn't because you were mad at me
He thinks she must be fucking insane because he actually watches her make eye contact with him as she puts the paper IN HER MOUTH and eats it. This time it's Sirius who sends James a gleeful smile. Merlin, she hates him. He keeps wondering, why is she upset with him? What the fuck did he do?
"Mr. Potter, if you could refrain from ignoring my every word, I would appreciate it."
James sees Remus slip Sirius a Galleon under the table. Those fuckers bet on him again.
October
There are some days James appreciates the Gryffindor dormitory windows facing the quidditch pitch and other days it feels like a punishment. Today, it's a punishment. He sees Lily watching him through her window. Then the red hair flashes away. He turns and flies away, so if she comes back, he won't have to see her.
It makes him sick that she's doing this to him when they had been getting on better last year, even sending owls to each other over the summer when she got her Head Girl letter before he got his Head Boy letter, worried it was going to be someone she wouldn't get along with. Then she just stopped answering his letters. Now it's like they're back at the beginning, with her ignoring him. But at least she's not hanging around Snape like she used to. He's still on the outs as well.
James lands hard on the ground, where Remus is waiting for him. He looks nervous.
"What's wrong?"
Remus looks up at the sun, not saying anything for a while. James isn't going to rush him. He has to take his time talking, this time of the month.
"James…"
My stomach drops. The last time Remus used that tone of voice with me was after Sirius pulled the bullshit with Snape last year.
"James, Snape told Lily about…" He trails off and finally looks at James. "Listen, I'm just going to quote what she said. This isn't in any way what I believe." He inhales and frowns. "Lilly said she knows about the Muggle you fucked this summer."
James splutters. "What? Why does she even care if I did? I was just heading home from hanging out with her at Diagon Alley and was, you know," He shuffles his feet. "Worked up after being around her all day. I got mixed up. Carly was stopped on the side of the road, fixing one of the wheels on her auto. I stayed with her, just talking. She asked me out. She… really meant nothing Moony, other than someone to help me get over Lily. Why is she upset with me?"
Remus shakes his head. "Prongs, sometimes you can be the biggest moron."
November
"So let's review our plan." James claps his hands together and stares at the other Marauders.
"I will charm the pants off all of Evans's friends and they will be too enamored to notice she is missing and go looking for her and interrupt Mission Make Evans Not Mad At Prongs Again." Sirius blinks at James innocently.
Peter leans forward, "I will eat literally everything I am capable of and when I can't eat anymore, I will literally start vanishing the food. Then I'll tell Lily that her guests are literally starving. She can't ruin Mary's birthday like that."
James hears Sirius whisper to Remus, "If he literally uses the word literally one more time, I will literally jump off the literal Astronomy Tower." Remus swats his arm, holding back a laugh, and looks back at James.
"And I will offer to go with Lily to the kitchen to get more food where, surprise surprise, we run into Prongs."
James smiles grimly. "I will then talk sense into Lily and just ask her why she is upset that I had sex with some girl. I was perfectly respectful to her. All I want is to be her friend again."
"He's just a moron, Remus. I swear to Merlin, I cannot STAND him."
James steps out from the corridor he was hiding in. "Lovely to hear your voice again, Evans."
She swings around to face Remus. "You! You set me up!"
He just smiles serenely. "This is so neither of you keeps coming to me to complain about the other one. Also, so the damn prefect meetings aren't miserable anymore." With that, he turns on his heel and walks away.
James pulls at the sleeves of his robes. "Evans, can we talk about this please?"
She just stands there in stony silence.
"I just don't get why you're mad at me. Is it because you think I wasn't respectful of the girl I saw this summer? Do you think I just fucked her over for fun? You know. You know I'm so much better than I used to be. I was as respectful as possible but honestly, I'm only seventeen, I'm not perfect. I'm allowed to have fun right? So why are you so upset with me? Lily, please."
It was his use of her first name that makes her snap.
"Go fuck yourself, James." Then she storms off.
He can only whisper at the space where she used to stand. "But I miss you."
December
Remus is sitting on the edge of James's bed when Sirius and James get back from quidditch practice.
"Prongs, are we in trouble again?" Sirius kicks off his shoes. "Moony looks like he's going to give us a lecture."
"Oh, Padfoot, that's just ol' Moony's face. You know he always looks like that."
Remus scowls. "Har har har. You two are quite the comedians. And to think I was going to attempt to help with Mission Make Evans Not Mad At Prongs Again again."
James drops to his knees. "Oh wonderful Werewolf king Moony, I beg and plead to you."
Remus bursts into laughter and pushes James's shoulder. "Get up, you nitwit."
"So, you're really going to help me again?"
Sirius sighs. "While you two discuss Evans, I'm going to take a nap. Too much flying makes me not want to talk about girls with you guys."
Remus rolls his eyes and turns to James. "So."
"So?"
"So! As you may know, Slughorn is having his annual Christmas party this weekend. And I am invited because I am brilliant and because he finds it fascinating how a werewolf could be this intelligent."
James nods. "Of course, of course."
"And I do usually bring the dog," He nods at Padfoot, who wiggles his foot at them. "As my guest for entertainment. But I was thinking he could use a break and I could bring you this time. Because as you know, Lily is Slughorn's star student and is sure to be there."
"And you think she'll actually talk to me this time?"
Remus shrugs. "Doesn't hurt to try."
"So Moony, why are you secretly so invested in me and Lily getting along?"
They're slowly making their way towards Slughorn's party from Gryffindor tower. James knows they're running late because he kept trying to make his hair look somewhat presentable. Remus said it's alright if they're not on time, Slughorn won't mind. Also, it's more likely that Lily won't notice him there and possibly run.
"Because I love the both of you." Remus smiles at him. "And like I said the last time we tried this, I'm tired of the both of you complaining about the other."
They reach the door, music pouring out from the seams.
Remus puts his hands on James's shoulders. "James, I believe in you. Just… let Lily talk back to you if she will. Let it be a conversation, not a monologue."
James opens his mouth to spit out a retort, then closes his mouth in defeat.
They walk in, both determined to prove something. James is there to prove to Lily that he's still a good person, good enough to be her friend. Remus doesn't know that James knows but he is here to prove that he's more than just a smart werewolf. He's a person.
"I'm going to… uh… create an optimum conversation environment." James waves his hand at Moony.
Heading over to the band, he glances around furtively, looking for Lily. The lead singer leans down when he stops in front of her.
"Could you play Bewitched Witch by Spellbound for me please?" James holds out a handful of coins. She curtly nods at him and points at the pot at her feet, where he deposits the money. Her favorite song has got to be enough to get a conversation started.
The opening notes begin and James looks out across the crowd for Lily. And then he sees her. Her hair is shining and pulled back and she's wearing the purple robes he always said made her look like a real-life princess. She has a small smile on her face. Then James sees someone walk up to her with his hand extended. It's Snape. Surely, she won't say yes, not after all he's done. She stands and takes his hand.
He points up at the band and her face lights up. Oh, Merlin, he's told her that he asked for the song to be played for her. At the same time, they both spot James and he raises his hand weakly. Snape's face sours. James turns and looks around for Remus.
He feels a tap on his shoulder and sees Remus standing behind him, looking at Snape and Lily dancing together. He wraps his arms around James and hugs him. They sway along with the music. Remus whispers into James's ear. "Are you going to be okay?"
James gives him a teary smile. "I think it might be time to give up on her. Friend or otherwise. We can just be Head Boy and Head Girl. No more."
January
Peter lingers at the dormitory door. "Prongs, are you sure you won't come down with us?"
James lifts his head from his pillow. "I'm sure. I know I'm not really welcome. She only said I could come because, well, you know."
"You can't invite three Marauders and leave out the fourth. I know."
"Go on ahead. I promise I don't mind. Have enough fun for the both of us."
He leaves and quietly shuts the door. James rolls over and stares at the ceiling. Lily loves her birthday. It's the one day of the year that she allows all the attention to be on her and she laps up the attention like a toddler at a restaurant. When they were friends, she used to tease James about how she was older than him and so she was the boss of him. He loved that most about hanging out with her. She's so carefree and funny when she's not tied down by obligation or in his case most of the time, anger.
He almost gave one of the boys the present he had for Lily but decided against it. Peter would have just set it on the present table, not handed it to her, or been discreet. Sirius might pretend it was from him if he didn't know what was under the wrapping paper. Remus would have been the best option but it still wouldn't be right. If James ever gives it to her, he wants to see her face. He wants her to see him, know that he cares about her, and put effort into something for her.
James reaches his hand under his mattress and pulls out the book. He flips through it idly. It's filled with photos of Lily and her friends, taken during their sixth year and last summer when they were friends. There's even an old photo of her and Snape that James tucked in, just in case she wanted to remember who he once was. He's almost smiling in the photo. There's plenty of photos of her with Remus, which he is still peeved about. Sirius is jumping up and down in the background of one of their pictures. Marlene, Mary, Alice, and all of her other friends preened for the pictures.
Shutting it slowly, James sits up. Even if she hates him, she won't hate this present. There's no evidence of him within the pages, no photos of her with him. She'll know it was from James, he'll make sure of it, but she won't have to think of him when she looks at the pictures. She can just look at and remember happier times than now.
He quickly wraps it in wrinkled wrapping paper, scrawls For Lily Evans on the 18th anniversary of her birth, xx J. Potter on the top, grabs it, and swings open the door.
James hears them all in the common room, laughing and talking. He grips the present tighter in his clammy hands, as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He scans the room, looking for her. He finally spots her talking to Marlene and Mary on one of the couches. James can feel it deep inside him when she notices him. He gathers up all his courage and walks over to her. Their conversation stops when he arrives in front of them.
"Lily, happy birthday. I just stopped by to drop off your present."
Marlene exchanges a glance with Mary, who clucks quietly.
Lily chews on her thumbnail. "Well, okay. Thank you."
James deposits it in her lap and lingers as she opens the wrapping.
She strokes the front of it and opens it. The first page is a photo similar to the scene they're in right now, Mary, Marlene, and Lily on this couch, limbs tangled, smiling at the camera. Lily looks up at him speechless.
"James…"
James gives her a small smile. "Again, happy birthday. Hope you had a good day." Then he walks away.
He's almost back to the stairs when Marlene catches up to him. "James, she doesn't want me interfering but I honestly believe you need to think about the day you met up with Lily last summer and also…" She laughs nervously. "The day of the muggle is what we've been calling it."
He nods slowly. "Okay, that's pretty much all I've been thinking of but, alright yeah, thank you."
He goes back up to my room and lay there and thinks.
What is he missing?
February
James thinks Marlene has severely underestimated how much he can think about that day.
It was the first time he and Lily had spent the day together, alone, outside of Hogwarts. They had all been lounging around during the summer at someone's house, at the Leaky Cauldron, or in Hogsmeade. Lily had sent him an owl the day before.
J. Potter,
Greetings. Was just wondering if you would like to go out / tomorrow to Hogsmeade. Think it's a good day for it. I'll even swing by and pick you up like the lady I am. I've got big plans for us today. Food, drinks, games, and more if you're nice.
x From Lily Evans
For Lily Evans,
I have nothing going on, as you know so I would love it if some lady came and took me out for a good time. Are you bringing Marlene and Mary or will it be just us and the boys? Need to know what to tell mum, orgy, or hang out.
xx J. Potter
J. Potter,
Oh, silly, it's just going to be the two of us. Bring your best manners.
x From Lily Evans
James roared with laughter, carrying the letter downstairs.
"Mum! I'm going to be out tomorrow. Head Boy and Girl business to attend to."
"Ooooooh, spending the day with Liiiiiiiiily?" She gave him a cheeky grin.
James blushed a bit. "Mum. Stop. We're just mates. Colleagues even. Less than that. Practically strangers who just spend time together."
She swatted him. "Go ahead and tell her that. See how she reacts."
There's a knock on his door the next morning. James's mum stuck her head into his room.
"Lily's here, my dear." She gave him a once over. "Is that what you're wearing?"
He looked down at himself. "I think I look fine. Don't make me insecure."
James went downstairs to meet Lily, who was standing in the hallway looking at the pictures littering the walls. "Hello, Mr. Head Boy." She had taken to addressing James like that to see if she could embarrass him.
"Hello, Mrs. Head Girl."
"Mrs.? James, we are not married, contrary to your little dreams."
James laughed nervously. "Lily, I'm sorry, I got mixed up with Mrs. and Miss and Ms. and, and, and."
She cut him off. "James, it was a joke. Obviously." She pulls her bag onto her shoulder. "Are you ready?"
"Yes, of course!"
She looked him up and down. "You really dressed up for me, huh?"
James heard his mother snort in the kitchen and he shot a dirty look towards her that he knew she couldn't see
"So, how much longer do you plan on keeping me out today?" James threw his arm around Lily. He reassured himself that Lily knew he was affectionate with all of his friends like this and she wouldn't suspect he still had tiny more-than-friends feelings for her.
Lily leaned into his arm. "Oh, are you tired of me already?"
"No, no, no. Don't go putting words into my mouth. I'm just saying we've been out all day. I wasn't sure if you needed to be anywhere for dinner."
"James, I cleared my schedule for the entire day so we could do this."
He grinned at her words. "Well. Are you interested in dinner with me?"
"Very interested. We may have eaten our weight in chocolate but I also want some real food."
"Alright then, pick somewhere for us to eat. You're in charge."
"If I tell you, can you apparate us there? You know I don't like doing it myself."
James squeezed her. "No problem."
She whispered the restaurant and location into his ear. He hugged her closer and apparated them away. He released her when they arrived.
Lily ordered a steak and laughed when James ordered a salad. "I thought I was out with James, not Prongs."
He made a face at her. "I'm sorry I'm not a carnivore like you."
She looked longingly at the wine list. "Just six more months until we can come here again and I can order wine." She smiled wickedly at him. "And even longer until you can order it yourself."
Their food arrived and the conversation slowed but doesn't still completely.
"Moony said he thinks this month might be one of the worst for him so far."
Lily frowned. "I wish I could do anything to help him. I've been trying to figure out any potions that could do anything but I haven't been successful yet."
"He doesn't expect anything from you Lily, other than what you've already given him, your love and support."
She hesitated a moment before asking, "I've always wondered… doesn't it make him upset that you all call him Moony? Doesn't it remind him of his situation? It must hurt him."
James thought a moment before answering, composing his thoughts. "It does remind him. But not necessarily of his problem, but that people love him enough to know about it and not bat an eye or change their opinion of him, just adapt their lives to suit him as well."
She held his gaze for a while. "He is lucky to have you all then."
When it came time to pay for their food, she didn't fight him for the bill like she usually did. She just smiled softly at him as he pulled out the money to pay.
They left the restaurant and Lily looked at him. "This was… a really good day. I'm happy we decided to do this."
He pulled her into a hug. "I'm happy too. It's been nice hanging out with you alone, without our other mates around. Proper mate hang."
Lily pulled away from him a little and studied his face. "Oh. Right. Mates."
He corrected himself. "One of my best mates. And fellow Head."
She smiled at him. "Yeah. Well, I suppose I should get home. Things to do."
"Do you want me to apparate you home or are you fine to do it yourself?"
She shook her head. "My house is actually just a block away. I loved this restaurant growing up and always wanted to go on a… go to it one day when I was older."
James kissed the top of her head. "Alright, good night Lily."
"Night James."
They split up and headed their separate ways. James breathed in the evening air and smiled at the memory of the day. Having Lily all to himself today was simply magical. And James knew magic, had known magic all his life. But nothing compared to Lily Evans.
"Hey!"
He jolted at the unfamiliar voice and looked around. He was still in Muggle England. James knew he should have apparated away before now but he was just savoring the memories of the day.
"Hello?"
James looked down to see where the voice was coming from. At first, all he saw was the red hair and he thought it was Lily. Then he saw the rest of the girl on the sidewalk. Brown eyes, different facial features. And working on a wheel.
"Oh, hello. Wheel gone wrong?"
She pursed her lips. "Well, if it was right, I wouldn't be sat on the sidewalk working on it."
He waved his hands. "Sorry, it wasn't a joke or anything. I'm sorry. I'll leave now."
She shook her head. "No, I apologize. It's been a long night. If you want, you can pull up a slab of concrete and protect me from the rest of my car falling apart."
He hesitated a moment. "Okay, sure. Just for a mo."
They chatted a bit. Her name was Carly, she was eighteen and working at a local pub and had gotten off work to see her wheel, which she called a tire, was completely flat. He told something akin to the truth, he went to boarding school and was just visiting a mate.
"Aha!" She exclaimed triumphantly. Carly put the wheel back on her car and opened the front door. James stood up and brushed off his pants.
"Well, I'm glad your wheel, I mean, the tire is fixed. Be safe getting home!" He waved and turned to find a place to apparate.
"Wait! Do you want to go for a drive?"
He turned and considered her. A redhead but not the redhead he wanted. But maybe the only redhead he would ever get.
"Yes."
James jolts back to reality, shakes his head, and reminds himself it's February now. Lily hates him, Carly is just a distant memory.
Something dawns on him. He opens his trunk and scrummages through everything to find the letter he's looking for.
"Was just wondering if you would like to go out / tomorrow to Hogsmeade." He studies what's under the hashed marks. He wasn't concerned before because using ink is hard sometimes and even he made mistakes occasionally. But now, he thinks it's important.
He realizes just what he's been missing.
March
"Happy birthday Prongs!" The three other Marauders shout in unison as they jump onto James's bed.
He wakes up with a jolt then starts laughing when he sees them. Each of them has done something to look like James. Sirius looks insane, his usually carefully styled hair is sticking up in every direction. Remus is wearing glasses that look identical to James's. Peter is wearing a Christmas headband with reindeer antlers on them.
"I love you guys so much. You're fucking incredible."
He takes each of them by the cheeks and kisses them square on the forehead.
"Whose idea was this?"
Peter and Remus both point at Sirius who preens. "It was me, of course. Who else knows you as well as me?"
James rubs his chin. "Moony and Wormtail."
Sirius scowls. "Prat. See if I give you your presents now."
They all laugh at that.
"Do I get to wear whatever I want today or do you all have something ridiculous for me to look like an idiot today?"
Peter climbs off James's bed and pulls something out of his trunk. He holds up a white sash that says 'bride-to-be'.
"We apparated to a muggle town to pick up birthday supplies but all they had were hen do supplies."
James highly doubts that's true.
"So, at my party tonight, is it going to be decorated with hen do decorations?"
Remus blinks innocently at him. "Looks like you'll see."
James kicks Sirius and Remus off of his bed. "Let me put on some clothes to wear under the sash."
After James finishes getting ready, they all head down to the Great Hall for breakfast. As they pass people, James keeps getting compliments on his sash and classmates clapping him on the back saying happy birthday.
They sit down to eat and everyone keeps giving James their fried potatoes. He leans forward to let his head rest on the table and groans. "If I eat one more bite, I'm going to burst."
He feels an arm around him and looks up to see Marlene slide in next to him. "Happy wedding day, James."
He narrows his eyes at her. "Did you have something to do with this?"
Marlene responds in a sing-songy voice. "It's payback, baby boy."
James glares at her. "Payback for what?"
"Payback for me still having to listen to Lily bitch about you after I essentially told you how to fix things."
He lowers his voice. "Marlene, I know what I did wrong now. I hadn't realized… I didn't know… I just…"
"I hadn't realized… I didn't know… I just…" She mimics him. "I know. Remus has been telling me much of a moron you are."
"Hey!" He kicks Remus, who hasn't been paying attention, under the table. "You've been telling people I'm a moron?"
Remus shrugs. "Not people. Just Marlene."
She sticks her tongue out at both of them. "I have to go, I just wanted to swing by and wish you the best day."
James pouts. "Don't leave me, it's my birthday. I want my mates around."
Marlene ruffles his hair. "Well, my best mates are none too happy with you at the moment."
"I've got a plan. I really don't think she will say no to a conversation on my birthday. It can be my present from her."
The other three Marauders and Marlene all exchange glances then Sirius looks at him. "You really think that's the best idea mate?"
Peter chimes in, "You don't think that she will feel guilted into it?"
James stares up at the ceiling. "It's my one birthday wish to have one of my best mates back."
"Is it bad manners to leave my own party early?" James asks Sirius, fiddling with his penis-shaped beaded necklace. "I really want to talk to Lily."
Sirius pulls him into a corner with an intense look on his face. "Prongs, I don't mean to sound like a prick but… is Evans worth this? You know I love her but I love you even more. You're my everything but blood brother. I don't want you to be hurt and you seem to keep getting hurt by her. She doesn't seem to give a fuck about your feelings."
James starts to feel his face get hot. "Sirus, mate, don't pretend like you care about anything other than losing my attention."
Sirius's face turns hard. "James. Don't get high and mighty now. Everything is not about you. Just because I've been moody about Evans lately does not mean that I hate her or only want your attention." He shoves James away. "We're supposed to be best friends but it hasn't felt like that lately. Don't forget who has always had your back and always listened to you complain about her for the past seven years. I've been with you from day one. Moony and Wormtail weren't there when we first met Evans. I was" He takes a deep breath. "Prongs, when every conversation turns to Evans, life becomes miserable. Sometimes it feels like I know every thought that goes through your mind, but you don't know anything about me. Think about that." Sirius turns to walk away before throwing one last retort over his shoulder. "Leave early if you want. But know you only turn eighteen once and if things go your way, you'll have Evans for decades after this."
James stands in the corner for a while after Sirius leaves. It feels like he's on autopilot, smiling and thanking people who come by to tell him happy birthday. He's trying to decide if it's worth it to go see Lily now. Sirius has a point. Lily will be there tomorrow but this party won't be. Does he really want to have his memories of his birthday be tainted with Lily possibly rejecting him?
He decides to wait, because what is James, if not a coward.
April
The Marauders had figured out how to bypass the way into the girls dormitories back in their fourth year. It was Remus who figured it out and mainly Remus who used it to study with his friends. James had used it a few times in sixth year to hang out with the other sixth years but had always warned the girls before doing it. This time, he only told Marlene and Marlene said she would get everyone but Lily out so he could finally do this.
He knocks and hears feet coming towards him before the door opens. And there she was.
His throat dries up.
"Oh, James. Shit."
"Yeah, shit. I mean, shit. Shit. Oh, fuck."
She laughs unexpectantly then covers her mouth. "Why are you here?"
"I didn't know."
She studies him. "Didn't know what?"
"You scribbled out the part that would have made it easy to figure out. I didn't know you wanted it to be a date."
Lily shifts her weight, still standing in the doorway. "James, we had been flirting all year, holding hands all summer, going on quasi-double dates with people. I thought we were already kind of together. I thought that night we would make it official. You called me your mate at the end so I thought you had decided that we were better off as mates. I could have handled that. But finding out about you and that girl… you wanted to be with someone, just not me."
"Lily, how the fuck could I have known you thought any of that? We never discussed anything. I was so nervous about fucking our friendship up that I told myself you could never be interested in me."
"You kissed my head and hands and always held my hand and-"
"I do the same things with Remus, Sirius, and Peter. I'm a touchy guy!"
She huffs.
"Lily, you never even told me you had feelings for me."
She stares at him in silence. "Yes, I did. I definitely did."
His jaw drops. "I would one hundred percent remember if the girl I was in love with confessed her feelings to me."
Lily's face turns slightly pink. "James… I said at the end of last year that I thought I liked you. You said 'I reckon I like you too'."
"I thought you meant you didn't think I was a total prick anymore not that you, you," he splutters. "You actually liked me like that."
Lily sighs and walks into the room and sits on her bed. She waves him in. James closes the door behind him and sits beside her. She pulls her legs up to her chest and hugs them. He hesitates a moment then puts his arm around her and pulls her close.
"James…"
"Hm?"
"I should have explained things better before. I should have been more clear I guess. I just assumed you would have thought I was in love with you as soon as I stopped saying I hated you every moment."
"Ooooh, you're in love with me!"
She pulls herself out of his arms and shoves him. "Shut up, it was an exaggeration."
He laughs. "So you're not mad at me anymore?"
"Honestly, I haven't been mad since my birthday. I just wanted you to apologize. I stopped avoiding you. I even came by your birthday party last week but you were holed up in the corner with Sirius and you both looked murderous."
"We were actually talking about you."
"Has he, has Sirius, did he mention anything about what's going on with him?"
James shook his head.
"You should really talk to him. He's… going through something."
He felt his anger rise inside him and he almost snapped at her. "Why? Has he been talking to you?"
She smiles sadly. "Yeah, we've been exchanging our woes since Christmas time."
"Well, what's wrong with-"
She cuts him off.
"It's not my place to say, James. You know I wouldn't share something if he asked me to keep it secret."
He kicks the floor. "Yeah, I know."
She reaches over and squeezes his hand. "You're a good mate James, you just don't listen sometimes."
"Well, Lily. I can also be more than a mate. If you're still interested."
She turns away from him. "I'm sorry. I just need some time."
His heart sank. "Yeah, okay. Fuck. I get that."
"I mean it. I'm really sorry."
May
Sometimes, after a full moon, Peter stayed Wormtail for the day afterward. James thinks it's because he feels safe as a rat. They all feel better in their animal forms but Peter especially did. They all carry him around occasionally and today, James has him. He likes talking to Wormtail about things for many reasons. Peter was the least judgemental and least likely to share James's secrets with anyone. Also, talking to a rat means no face full of emotion.
"I think Padfoot is still mad at me. He says he's not but I know him. I know when he's pissed."
Wormtail squeaks.
"I know. I should just talk to him."
Another squeak.
"It's just so hard to have a serious Sirius conversation. I feel like he and I used up all of our trauma talk when he left home. Now it feels strange to be anything other than goofy with him. I think I'm always trying to make him happy."
Wormtail's nails dig into James's hands.
"Alright, alright. I'll talk to him. Do you want to be in my pocket or stay in the dorm?"
Wormtail runs down James's arm and across the room.
"Stay here it is then."
James closes the door behind him tightly and sets out to find Sirius.
Sirius was sitting on the shore of the Great Lake with Marlene, Remus, Mary, and Mary's boyfriend Reginald. The other four were chatting and laughing while Sirius was silently staring out at the water.
"James!" Marlene shouts at him when she sees him.
He waves at her and motions towards them. "Can I sit?"
"Of course!"
He sits down next to Sirius and presses their knees together. Sirius gives him a small smile.
The group chats idly about studying for exams and classes before going back to just talking in pairs, Sirius staying mainly silent the whole time.
After the others were deep in their individual conversations, James turns to Sirius.
"Tell me what's going on in your head. I know I've been absent and too absorbed in my own life but…" He pats Sirius's head. "I love my old dog."
Sirius glares at him. "I'm only four months older than you, prat."
James smiles brightly at him. "I'll sit here and wait for as long as it takes for you to tell me why you've been grumpy."
They sit there in silence for a good half hour, Sirius thinking and James waiting.
Finally, Sirius turns to look at James. He motions for him to lean in closer. James complies.
Sirius breathes in James's ear. "I think they might be… together." He tilts his head towards Marlene and Remus, who have their heads bent towards each other giggling.
James nods slowly. "I guess I can see that." He looks at Sirius's ashen face. "And that, uh, bothers you?"
Sirius looks away, towards the lake and whispers, "Yeah. It does."
"Because?"
Sirius side eyes him. "You know why."
"You like-" Sirius covers James's mouth.
"Yeah. I do." He stares over at Marlene and Remus. "I've never been jealous before but this seems real."
"You two would be nice together." Sirius genuinely smiles at that comment. "But. If they're actually together and happy, you can't ruin that with your sullenness."
Sirius sighs. "I know. I know."
James pokes him. "So, you were pissed at me for being lovesick when the whole time you were also deep in the trenches of longing."
"You know this is a completely different situation than yours. You and Lily are sickenly meant to be. Me and," he tilts his head towards Remus and Marlene, "not meant to be."
James sighs. "Have you asked if they're together?"
"No, I enjoy being a masochist. It's punishment for being a bad person, not getting to be with the person I love."
James snorts. They go back to sitting in silence, but this time it's comfortable, not stifling.
Sirius quietly speaks. "I'm glad that right now our biggest worry is if someone loves us back. Compared to the future in the outside world, this is nothing."
"We'll have a long beautiful future together Padfoot, I promise."
Now that James had apologized to Lily, everything was back to normal with the seventh year Gryffindors. They all spent time together again. Tonight, they abandoned their homework and are playing games in the Common Room. Mary and Lily had tried teaching the others Muggle games like Monopoly and Sorry! but the boys got bored after a while. They had settled on a variation of Candyland that really meant they rolled dice and ate candy.
Lily has her feet in Remus's lap and her head in James's lap. Mary had fallen asleep on Sirius's shoulder. Peter is trying different spells on Marlene's hair to get it the shade of purple she wanted.
"I suppose that might be what I'm wanting but it's also so late I might be sleep deprived." Marlene examines the tips of her hair and pats Peter's hand. She stands up and taps Mary on the shoulder.
"Mmm no, I'm asleep."
Marlene laughs. "Well, Mare, let's try sleeping on our own bed and not on a boy." She grins at Sirius as Mary reluctantly gets up.
Peter follows them away, yawning and waving back at the others.
Lily digs her feet into Remus's lap and he winces.
"Fuck, alright. I guess I'm tired too. Padfoot, you wanna come up with me or stay with these two?"
Lily and James both try to communicate wordlessly to Sirius as a smile slowly spreads over his face.
"Oh, Moony. I really want to be here."
Remus pulls him up. "You prat, let's go."
They both head up the stairs to the dormitory, presumably to wait for James to come up in a while and tell them everything.
Lily doesn't move her head from James's lap but she does shift so she's staring right up at him. "So, James."
"So, Lily."
"I have a question for you."
"And I might have an answer."
She pulls herself up. "Well, the last Hogsmeade weekend is coming up and I was wondering if we could go together."
"Just us or all of us? I want full clarification here Evans."
She smiles. "Well, it's our last one here as students so I want to be with my friends."
His smile falters a little bit. "Sure, yeah. I'll make sure the boys are fine with us all hanging together but it shouldn't be a problem."
"But," Lily bites her lip and touches his face so he's looking her in the eyes, "after a while, I would like it if we just went off, just the two of us and got lunch. A not just mates lunch."
His breath catches and he just stares at her.
"Well? Is that okay, James?"
He kisses her in response.
June
"So how does it feel to never have to go back to Hogwarts again?" James steps off the Hogwarts Express, his fingers intertwined with Lily's.
"I could ask you the same thing, moron."
"Now, now. Is that any way to talk to your boyfriend?"
They hear retching noises behind them. Sirius and Peter are both miming vomiting and Remus stands behind them, amused.
"I feel like you all should be happy we're finally together." James glares at the other Marauders. "I've only been talking about this for years."
"Oh, we're happy. We just don't want to see or hear about the two of you again." Remus says.
"The past month of seeing you two suck face and talk lovey has been miserable." Sirius agrees.
Peter pats James on the arm. "We love you both Prongs but it'll be nice to have a break from the two of you."
Lily laughs. "Mary and Marlene said something similar to me this morning."
James kisses her cheek. "They'll get over it. I think it's just the shock of everyone seeing you this close to me without screaming."
There is a scoff behind them as Snape pushes his way past them. Lily frowns.
"I was hoping he could still be my friend but ever since you and I made up, he has been cold and distant again. I had hoped after he explained everything at Christmas and said he wouldn't get jealous, that he would be okay."
The Marauders exchange glances. None of them were going to bring up the mudblood incident from fifth year. Snape was a subject best steered clear of with Lily.
"Well, he'll get over it soon. He cares about you too much to stay mad forever." James says in a careful tone.
They all reach the place where they have to part ways.
Remus and Sirius both hug Lily and kiss James's forehead. He wipes away their slobber.
"I'm waiting here for Marlene, we're driving her to her mum's house." Remus explains. James sees something cross over Sirius's face. He hopes the three of them have a discussion soon.
Lily waggles her eyebrows. "And I'm taking James home with me. We're driving there!"
James nods morosely. "I'm not allowed to apparate into the Evans house."
They finally part ways and Lily skips over to the car her mum had dropped off at the station earlier.
James slides into the passenger seat and Lily starts the car and backs out.
They're at the last streetlight before Lily's house when she turns to him, a strange look on her face. "Kiss me."
James splutters. "Is that safe?"
She laughs. "The red means we have to stay stopped. C'mon. I've always wanted to kiss a boy while I'm driving. It's like a power move."
James leans over and kisses her softly.
"You know I'll miss you, right?"
Lily accelerates as the light turns green. "You don't have to. We'll see each other all the time. I have a good feeling about us, James."
He looks out the window, smiling. "I hope it feels like this forever." The green light behind him flashes.