Mikasa wanted to drown herself and burrowing into the scratchy blankets of her bed, pressing her face into the pillow as far as it would go was the best she was going to do on that front, so she supposes she'll take what she could get.
Actually, in most situations, she takes what she can get. There were many things Mikasa wished were different, but she made the best of things as well as she could and worked to see the better side. This applied to most things in her life, including, but not limited to, eating the same thing on a daily basis.
Does she want to eat bread and potatoes everyday? No, but it was a nutritious meal that kept her body strong and her belly full which was much better than many who lived in poverty. She took it and was grateful.
Being denied sleep at times because some people didn't know how to keep it down.
Does she want to be kept awake at night by the full conversations Sasha had in her slept that were either with or about food (after all these years, she's still not sure which). No, but there times where her dreams were just a replay of that blood-streaked, rain-soaked day she her parents…and she's glad to not be in the dark alone when she woke gasping for breath. She was glad to share her room.
Of all the things she made do on, the most glaring was the relationship she had with Eren, her…her…whatever he was to her.
Don't get Mikasa wrong. Yes, she eagerly accepted whatever attention or, even rarer, affection he gave her, but it was enough for her! She didn't need more. She was happy just being in his life, being by his side. She had made peace a long time ago that her feelings would never be returned by him and they didn't have to be. Really, they didn't.
So what, what, possessed her to ask him that question?
What am I to you?
What am I to you?
What am I to you?
Not only is Mikasa angry at herself for letting that spill from her mouth, but she's also angry for letting her emotions get the better of her, something she swore to herself to avoid. She knew it was ridiculous to get jealous over some new recruits fawning all over him and that wasn't even the issue. What really set her off was that whatever one of the younger girls said made him laugh.
Eren who was such a blank slate these days. Eren, who rarely spoke, rarely expressed emotion, who seemed worryingly empty had actually laughed. She couldn't remember the last time he'd done such a thing! It wasn't just a chuckle or quirk of the lips. Oh no, it was a head thrown back, hands on hips, eyes squeezed closed laughter. Her attention had immediately been drawn in his direction, mid conversation with Niccolo and Sasha at the sound. She had absolutely delighted in it and the joyous image of him. The corners of her mouth had no trouble lifting in the bliss of the moment, so happy that it was still possible for him to feel some sort of happiness, not matter how fleeting, until she noticed who he was in the company of. And it wasn't any of their friends.
Her smile dropped instantly at the gaggle of new recruits, female recruits, that surrounded him with blushes on their faces, sparkles in their eyes, giggles falling from their stretched wide lips, and Eren laughing along with them. She understood what those looks meant. She could certainly understand why they would look at him that way. She didn't blame them. How could she?
As Mikasa lay cocooned in the bed covers, her head clearer than it had been all day, she could ask herself if she was a bad person for not being pleased that Eren could still be potentially happy, no matter in whose company. Was she selfish? Was she a bad friend?
At time, though, all she could feel was the uncomfortable weight that settled in her chest as she reluctantly turned her attention back to Sasha and Niccolo. The weight seemed to spread through her body, pulling her down more and more throughout the day. By the time she was making her way out to chop some fire food, her last chore for the day, Mikasa felt like she was heavier than iron and wondered how she would manage.
In the back of her mind, she knew she was being irrational, highly irrational, but she couldn't help the perverse pleasure that came with bringing down the heavy axe and splitting the chunks of wood in half, little chips and pieces splintering off violently. The task helped to work off the negative feelings only for her to keep thinking about them. It was a vicious cycle.
She was steadily working her way through the pile, when she turned around to get the next log only to see the object of her thoughts with an axe on his shoulder picking up piece of wood to cut.
"What are you doing here," she blurted, heart beating quickly in surprise, certainly not expecting to see him there. Eren raised a slow eyebrow at her, glancing at his axe and wood in hand as if it should have been obvious, but answered anyway,
"I came to cut wood." Mikasa rolled her eyes.
"Yes, I see that. What I mean is, I don't remember it you being assigned this task today. I thought it was just me." He shrugged looking off to the side.
"Yeah, well, I completed all my chores and came to give you a hand since you're normally finished by now. We'll be done quicker with the two of us." At his words, she noticed just how low in the sky the sun was.
"Oh…thanks." He nodded moving to the other chopping block and getting to work. The only sound between them was the hacking apart of wood. While Eren was focused, slicing log after log, Mikasa was distracted, glancing over at him every few seconds, noticing how his arms flexed with each powerful swing of the axe, the sweat forming on his brow wetting his longer, chocolate strands.
But more importantly, he had come to help her finish her chores. He had thought about her. She tried not to blow it out of proportion. It was a perfectly logical thing to do. After all, chopping wood in the dark was not a good practice, but she couldn't help the glow that had taken the place of the heaviness in her chest. She was sated and happy. It never did take much from him to give her this feeling. Too bad it didn't last as long as it usually did.
They did, in fact, make quick work of the remaining pile between the two of them and had made several trips to put it all away when the same group of girls from earlier approached the two of them, eyes shifting between each other fighting more giggles and presumably warm cheeks.
"Is there anything we can help you with," the one in the front with dark brown hair asked, the others nodding in agreement. Before she could even rebuff their offer or spook them away with her rather impressive glare, if she did say so herself, Eren was already dumping his pile of wood between two of them, then taking her share and distributing it too.
"We should be able to grab the last batch. Thanks for the help," he said with a nod, the girls seeming a little taken aback by the suddenness of it all.
"Are you sure you'll be able to get the rest," the same one spoke up again after a brief beat of silence. "We can quickly put this away and –
Mikasa turned on her heel and stalked off to get away before she combusted, not bothering to listen to the rest of the girl's words or Eren's response. No, it was better to just leave it all behind, lest they start laughing together again about whatever their little joke was.
She wished she was funny. Then maybe, she could make him smile more often. For the longest time she was so worried about his physical well-being and keeping him alive. Not that she still didn't, but at least she felt comfortable in his abilities. She trusted him enough to take care of himself. They had each other's backs in the field.
Emotionally, though, that was tough. Even though she knew she could tell Eren anything, she had never been the best with emotions after her parents – and she didn't even want to get into the ball of rage and anger he'd been after they had to leave Shiganshina. No, she couldn't touch that even if she wanted to, and she definitely wanted to, but she was severely lacking in the area. It was no wonder she hadn't been able to reach him where those normally adjusted girls could.
It was sad and disheartening, but just another situation where she took what she could –
Mikasa found herself being pulled around coming face to face with Eren who was looking more than a little agitated. She remembers when mild agitation would have been a raging inferno and she wasn't sure which she preferred at this point.
"What was that about," he questioned, interrupting her thoughts. She shrugged.
"It wasn't about anything. There's only one more batch to bring. Either you would follow without them or wait for them and come back together." She waited as he looked over her face which she hoped was still in her carefully blank expression. He seemed skeptical but moved on anyway.
"I was calling after you."
"Oh, were you? Sorry, I didn't hear."
"You've been pretty distracted today," he squinted, and she took a step back caught of guard at his sudden, intense scrutiny.
"No, I haven't."
"Normally it doesn't take you long to finish the wood. Even when I came to help, you were still moving pretty slow for you."
"Um…"
"Is everything alright? You're not sick are you, because if you are, you need to take better care of yourself and ask for help if you need it." Mikasa could only blink at him, not expecting the conversation to turn in this direction.
"I'm fine, Eren," was her eventual reply before making her way to the remaining firewood.
"As a matter of fact, you didn't even notice when I first approached either."
"Really, there is nothing wrong with me. I just have a few things on my mind is all," she sighed, hoping that would be enough for him to drop it. She appreciated his concern, she really did, but this wasn't something she wanted to share with him, something she knew she shouldn't share with him.
"I can understand that," he murmured.
"Yeah, I'll bet." She froze, the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them. Mikasa glanced back at him, hoping that he hadn't heard. His deadpan expression told her otherwise. A nervous hand came up to tug at her scarf, likely covering the reddening of her face.
"I'm sorry, Eren. I don't mean to take my bad mood out on you. Let's just grab this stuff and get back," she said turning once again to gather as much as much as she could of the remaining wood in her grasp. Standing with full arms, Mikasa noticed he'd yet to move from the spot he stood, looking at her intently once again; and she let him, wondering what the issue could possibly be this time.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what," she asked confused, mildly surprised as his that he offered to actually talk about anything. He seemed so out of it, so unconcerned these days.
"What's on your mind," he replied exasperated, and Mikasa distinctly remembers an 'oh no' flitting through her thoughts.
"No," she shook her head. "It's not important."
"It is if it makes you this absentminded it must be."
"It really isn't."
"Whatever it is, it's putting you in a bad mood, which means you must be thinking about it a lot, so it must be important to you," he reasoned.
"Even so," Mikasa huffed becoming increasingly frustrated. Of all the times he wants to ask what's on her mind. "I don't want to talk about it." Eren looked on contemplatively.
"Would you be willing to speak to Armin about it?"
"Yes," she answered though it came out more as a question. At the time, she had no idea where this was going, and hindsight made her truly wish she had.
"But you can't tell me?"
"No. Eren what is this about," she asked readjusting the load in her arms.
"Why can you tell Armin what's bothering you, but not me?" Was that a frown on his face? Was he…upset?
"It just wouldn't interest you is all. I don't want to bother you when you've already got enough to worry about," she said trying her best to sooth him over and keep her waning patience at his odd persistence.
"Mikasa," he sighed, disapproval coloring his tone. "You and your feelings are not a bother to me. Just because I'm not particularly interested in something doesn't mean I'm unwilling to listen to you about it if it matters to you. So, tell me, what is bothering you?"
And those were the words that plummeted everything downhill. She knew better. She knew better. But Mikasa let herself be caught anyways. She let warmth of his concern fill her heart, the annoyance that he wouldn't let it go fill her mind, and the weight of how an innocent group of girls had easily accomplished something that seem like such an impossible task to her fill her body.
"Those girls who offered to help, you were talking to them earlier today."
"Yeah…"
"What," she took a breath before she lost her nerve. "What were you talking about with them?"
"What does that have to do with whatever's on your mind," he questioned, puzzlement clear. She her eyes roamed the grassy clearing, unable to look him in the face as she whispered,
"You were laughing with them. What were you laughing about?"
"Mikasa –
"Please, Eren," she implored, her words and tone stopping his argument.
"It – it was just something they'd asked about. I don't know, it was so outlandish that all I could was laugh. Really it was nothing. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that you don't do that anymore. You don't laugh. You haven't in so long and I – I…nothing." She'd given in not having the fortitude to push forward, wholly unsure of what she wanted to say, and becoming increasingly discouraged watching his face close up on her.
"No, go ahead. You what," he prompted. She hadn't been sure what he was feeling, but he was still willing to continue the line of conversation, so it couldn't have been bad, right?
"I-I –
"Just say it, Mikasa," he snapped, forcing the words from her.
"I want you to laugh with me," she declared, the load she held falling to the ground as her arms dropped to her sides. "I want us to smile and laugh together like we used to, but not just like before. I want…I want us to be happy. Together. In the future. Sometimes," she ventured, "Given everything that's happened, everything there's still to do, I wonder if we'll make it to that point. Being together or having a future, but then I remember your drive to accomplish whatever you set your mind to. And if I believe in anyone, Eren, it's you," she smiles nervously down at her scarf, fingers wrapping around the worn fibers. "It makes me want to keep going, not only having your back, but sharing your burdens too.
"You're the only person whose side I want to remain by forever. Even so, I don't want to force my desires on you, so I guess I have to know…What am I to you, Eren," she asked, finally able to meet his eyes with the courage she's worked up to get the question out.
Thinking back, it was strange as she stood there in front of the boy who had been in her heart for so long. Her innards a swirling abyss of uncertainty; giddiness at being able to be fully truthful with him, something she'd never managed to do outside a life or death situation; anxiety that she actually bared herself. Fear of what he might say in response.
The many times she'd imagined such a moment taking place, the worse thing he could ever do was reject her feelings. Sure, she'd had nightmares about the more dreadful ways it could happen, but Eren was too kind to intentionally hurt her. Still, of all the scenarios her mind conjured up, a complete and utter lack of response to her heartfelt confession had never been one of them.
She could take his anger, his awkwardness, his sadness, even stomach his disappointment, but not the stone-cold silence that seemly stretched longer and longer into an eternity, her heart crumbling more with each second under his impassive stare. Even the crisp, autumn air came off sedated, as if holding its breath. Not a single tree rustled, holding hostage the pinks and golds of the setting sun in their branches.
It all, soon, became too much for Mikasa and her eyes brightened with tears. Too mortified at that point, she refused to cry in front of him and willed herself to move. Easily picking her way through fallen logs, she brushed past him, keen to get away and hide herself. She's not sure if she was relieved he didn't at least call after her or more saddened at his continued inaction.
Regardless, as she lay in her bed allowing noiseless tears to stream down her cheeks, she just knew the relationship they'd built over the years might be at an end and she wasn't sure how she would cope. There was no way to take back what was said, her words being much too candid, but if she didn't figure out how, then it would really be over. The thoughts plagued her until exhaustion took her to sleep.
Hours later, a persistent knocking on her door through the darkness brought her back.
She was more than inclined to ignore it and settle back into her now warm bed, but at the fleeting though that it could be Eren, Mikasa lifted the covers and swung her feet to the chilly floor. Padding over to the door, she wrapped trembling fingers around the door and twisted it open, coming face to face with blue eyes and blond hair.
"Armin."
"I brought you some food since missed dinner," he smiles, raising the two napkin-wrapped loafs as offerings. As she stared on, having not expected to see him at all, she hopped the disappointment drowning her heart was not overtly obvious. "Are you going to let me in," he prompts after more than a few seconds of awkwardly standing around.
"Oh. Yeah." She pulled the door open. "Let me light the candle." As he shuts the door behind him, the room flickers to life allowing him to make his way to the tiny table in the corner of the room.
"I appreciate you thinking of me, Armin," she says quietly while tucking the matchbook back into the bedside table drawer," but I'm not particularly hungry tonight. Sorry you went through the trouble of lifting food from the cafeteria."
"Oh, it was nothing," he waved her off with a chuckle. "Jean did half the work, swiping one from Sasha's second helping. I'm still not sure how he managed without her seeing, but she was pretty distraught when she noticed it was gone. Is everything alright, Mikasa," his tone suddenly serious and said girl blinked at his how quickly his demeanor changed.
"Everything's fine. Why would you think otherwise?"
"You weren't at dinner and the last time Connie mentioned seeing Eren was when he said he was going to help you finish up the wood chopping."
"He did," She answered looking out the window she'd stationed herself by, feeling more than a little unprepared for this conversation, because it's inevitable direction was obvious and she was feeling too out of sorts, too incoherent to properly shield herself. Not that Mikasa felt she needed protection from Armin, but the heartbreak was still too fresh to pick at.
"He also didn't show up at dinner, and he also wasn't hungry when I brought him some food and that was after I managed to find him looking more out of it than usual."
"He didn't eat dinner," she questioned, her protective instincts kicking, but the look Armin gave at her obvious hypocrisy had her backing down immediately.
"What happened, Mik," and the gentleness in his tone had her jaw tensing, throat closing, fingers gripping her scarf tightly. She dropped head in defeat and whispered,
"I've ruined everything, Ar."
"'What happened," he asked again, prompting her to recount the painful events that had started at lunch and led her to where she was now. By the time she'd finished, Mikasa tears were splashing to the floor, leaving little splotches to soak into the grains.
"For starters, you're not bad person. He – Eren doesn't laugh with us or really anything anymore. A lot of the time he's just going through the motions and it's hard to tell if he's really there, if he's there with us at all, so it's ok to feel sad about it. It's ok to feel sad when it seems like you've lost something very important to you." At his words, her watery gaze was drawn to his figure, taking in the slump of his shoulders and his downtrodden expression that found the ground equally as interesting as she had just a few moments ago. She was rushing over and kneeling in front of him in seconds.
"Oh, Armin, I'm sorry," she breathed, scrubbing a hand over her face to clear away the wetness. "I was so caught up in my issues that I wasn't thinking about how it might make you feel." He shook his head.
"It's not your fault. I'd feel this way regardless. I'm here to help you right now. Don't sweat it."
"Are you sure," uncertainty lacing the question.
"Yeah. Thanks, though," his lips quirking upward before returning to their serious line. "What I want to know is what you plan to do now that everything is out in the open?" She winced just hearing the words and sat back, pulling her knees to her chest.
"I don't know. He didn't even react, Armin. You should have seen the way he just looked at me. His stare was so blank. Before, I can say without a doubt that he would have reacted at the very least, but now…I'm not sure if I know him anymore. What if that was his new way of saying he no longer wants anything to do with me, that my feelings are a burden? I feel so stupid, Ar," she muttered, her voice getting smaller and smaller. "I know, or at least knew, how he was. Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut. Why did I have to say anything at all? Why did I let my emotions get the better of me?"
"How long is this pity party going last?"
"Huh," she looks up at him, her confusion meeting his knowing.
"Mikasa, first off, you're strong. Not just physically, but emotionally too. You wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't. None of us would have. Having emotions isn't bad and I know you'd prefer not to, but neither is letting them out. Besides, no offense, but you've never been good at keeping them in check when it came to Eren, anyway, so don't beat yourself up about it.
"Second, believe it or not, this whole," he waves his hand around the air, "Confession thing was bound to happen sooner or later. The only question was which one of you would get yourself together enough to do it first. My money was on you, by the way, so thanks for that."
"Wait, what do you mean which one of us would do it it first?"
"I meant it exactly as I said it."
"Armin," she warned at the know-it-all smirk he was wearing.
"Okay, okay. Look, Eren is dense by nature. He still is, but he's getting better and I'd posit that eventually he would have been perceptive enough to understand your feelings for him without having to be told. Maybe. Not only that, but he'd eventually realize his feelings for you as well."
"Realize his…what feelings are you referring to? I don't understand. Eren doesn't have any feelings for me that are any different from the ones he has for everyone else."
"You haven't noticed, but he's always treated you differently," Armin said as if it was totally obvious causing Mikasa to blush at the implications.
"No, he hasn't," she argued. "Unless you're counting when he always got so angry anytime I tried to help him, even when it was necessary, but he was more than willing to accept it from anyone other than," the increasing edge in her tone didn't go unnoticed by her guest.
"Yes, but look at it another way and ask yourself why he acted that way towards you, barring your overprotective moments, of course and not towards others."
"Why? Because he was envious of my strength."
"He was also envious of Reiner's strength and he had no problem accepting his help," he pointed out.
"And look where that got him," she snarked.
"He was envious of Reiner's strength the same way he was envious of Annie's which is different from the way he was envious of yours. Yes, traitors, I know. The point is that his feelings for you are different. therefore, he does not treat you as he does everyone else, his reactions will not be the same. Eren reacted the same towards Reiner and Annie's strength because he saw them the same way. It may not seem like it, but that means something coming from him
"I've known him longer than they have, so any variances in treatment would make sense looking at things in that light. It doesn't mean anything special. Besides I think, his view of me helping and protecting him was…deeper than what I think you're trying to get at."
"I'm not saying it was the only reason, but okay. How about when we were kids. He never wanted you to go anywhere without him, even if it was just with me. As a matter of fact, Eren didn't even want to introduce us for the first two weeks you came to live with him."
"He was just being considerate given the situation."
"And after he knew you could take care of yourself?"
"You know he didn't like staying cooped up in the house and when he didn't want to go do chores or to the market, Aunt Carla would force him to come. He complained for the first ten minutes, at least."
"He complained for the sake of complaining and just to hear you say that you wanted him to stay with you after telling him he could leave if it really troubled him so much because his griping made you feel bad."
"I don't think so."
"Fine. What about your secret hideout?"
"Th-that's nothing special either," she flushed.
"A place for only the two of you where even I wasn't welcome? A place I only found out about because Eren accidentally let it slip one day? That's not special," he deadpanned.
"I didn't know Eren wouldn't let you come. You should have told me." He waved her concern away.
"I mean, he never actually invited me, but he never said I wasn't allowed to come either. I saw it for what it was: a place for just the two of you," he teased.
"It wasn't like that," she stammered becoming increasingly flustered. "I wasn't used to the constant noise of Shiganshina, and he just wanted to help, so he found somewhere that I could have a bit of peace. That's it. He was just being kind like he always is. Nothing more, nothing less." Mikasa watched Armin watch her for a few beats until his lips twisted forming a wry smile.
"You don't believe me, and I can't convince you," he sighed in resignation. "That's fine, I guess. You should hear about these things from him, anyway. But Mikasa, please believe me when I say this." He leaned forward, resting his hands on either her shoulders, looking directly into her eyes.
"There is nothing you could ever say or do to Eren that will make him stop wanting you near. It doesn't matter how far he closes himself in or how far away he seems, that will never change. That being said, a lot has happened and I'm sure, despite his near constant blank stares, that there's a lot on his mind. You need to remind him that he can't get along without you, that he'll never want to get along without you."
"I'm not sure if I know how to do that, Ar," she muttered looking down at her entwined fingers. "How do I convince someone of that if I might not know who they are anymore?"
"Trust your gut, Mika. It hasn't led you astray yet, has it?"
"No, it hasn't.
"Then you have everything you need." He nodded as if confirming it to himself before getting to his feet. "Eat at least one of those, please," he gestured to the rolls on the table and made his way to the door. As he pulled it open, Mikasa stopped him.
"Armin?"
"Yeah," he answer turning to look at her over his shoulder.
"You know you're the best friend anyone could ask for, right." He flushed at the compliment, a playful smile light his features.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you that you might want to wash your face and before Sasha retires for the night, or there will be more questions and less food."
"Oh, get out," she smiled.
"Later, Mikasa." Then he was gone. She stood as the door closed and made her way to the small table and taking his advice before her roommate came. If Armin was right, and he was with most things, then she could do this. She could fix whatever thing there was between her and Eren. Feeling a bit more hopeful, she quickly scarfed down her food and rushed to the bathroom to clean herself up. She could do this. She would do this.
A/N: Hello! I hope this was an enjoying read for you!
Originally, this was supposed to be one of my entries for Eremika Week 2020, but it got out of hand when I was writing and developed a mind of its own. Anyway, this was Day 3: What am I to You? I thought it would be interesting to switch up who was doing the asking and I had fun, so let me know your thoughts. See you for the next one!