Disclaimer: see my profile
A/n I wrote this months ago, but have gone back and forth about posting it due to the subject matter. I finally decided that I would post it.
It takes place in the future beginning in October of 2021. It will be a three part story and almost entirey centered on JJ, which is a first for me.
Some of my long time readers know that I am not of fan of the post season six JJ for reasons I don't want to go into in this note. I like the JJ from seasons one through six and feel extremely put out that the writers decided to go in the direction they did for the end of season 14 and season fifteen. I say all of this because this is going to be very dark, but also hopeful at the same time. There are spoilers for several points in the series and mentions of suicidal thoughts. You have been warned.
Now, on to the story- gentle readers.
JJ sat back on her heels and swiped at her sweaty forehead. She surveyed the new tulips bulbs she had added to her backyard garden. The fresh smell of newly turned earth and the salt from her sweat permeated the crisp October air. It mingled with the odor of fallen leaves and the comforting smell of grass.
As she studied the new section of her garden, a tear slid slowly down her cheek. If only she could have slept through this day, ignored it as if it were any other day – but such a wish wouldn't come true. She wiped away the new tears and began to climb to her feet.
"There you are, cher," said a quiet voice behind her.
JJ whipped around and glared at her husband. "Why are you sneaking up on me?"
Will's face hardened, and irritation filled his blue eyes. "I wasn't sneaking, Jennifer. I'm sorry if I startled you."
JJ wanted to run into his arms, but his irritation and the mugs of some hot drink he held in both hands stopped her. "You're right," JJ said and tried to smile. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm – tired."
"I thought you might be," Will said, and his eyes softened but remained wary as they walked to the porch chairs and sat.
"What's in the mugs?" JJ asked because she didn't want to explain her hair-trigger reaction in more detail.
"Hot chocolate. I thought you'd like some after all your hard work."
JJ nodded even though hot chocolate was the last thing she wanted. "Thank you."
They sat quietly sipping, or Will sipped, and JJ sat staring at the new tulips in her garden and tried not to think of the date on the calendar.
"Cher, when are you going to stop thinking about Spencer and pay some attention to the boys and me? It's been over a month."
JJ kept her eyes on the garden and blinked back the tears that threatened. "I'm not thinking about Spence. I'm enjoying a rest with you and –"
"Jennifer! Stop staring at the garden and look at me."
JJ turned to him, and the rage in his eyes stunned her into silence when she would have dismissed his comments.
"Do you think I'm blind and stupid?" Will said.
The brittle tone of his words stunned JJ into biting back a scathing retort she'd regret.
"I've lived my life for the last thirteen and a half years, ignoring the way you looked at Spencer, the times you'd spend talking on the phone to him for an hour at a time. I've been pushing aside the jealousy I feel every time you leave the house to go to work, and I know you'll spend days on a case with him while I'm at home."
"Will!"
"Stop," Will almost shouted, and JJ stared in utter surprise. "I've had enough! I thought if we sent the boys to visit your mother for the weekend, we spend time together the way we used to when we first met. Instead, you get up at six, go run for an hour, then you bury yourself out here."
"Will, I was trying – "
"No," Will shouted her down. "I'm speaking, Jenn. You're listening."
JJ looked at the garden as different tears welled up in her eyes, and her heart began to race so hard she felt dizzy.
"You don't think I know what day it is?"
JJ turned to speak, but Will's eyes sparked with fury. She swallowed hard and moved her gaze to the wooden floor beneath their feet.
"It's Spencer's birthday. I had forgotten until I saw your eyes this morning when we passed each other in the kitchen, and you didn't say a word to me. I can see that you've been out here crying, and I wonder when you're going to pull it together and take care of your family."
"How dare you?" JJ confronted Will, who sat with his fists clenched on his lap. "I've always cared for this family."
"Not for the last month," Will said through clenched teeth. "You've worked twelve-hour days when you're not on cases, and when you are here on the weekends, you're like a shadow of yourself. The boys feel it, Jenn. Henry asked me the other day why you won't help him with soccer anymore."
"Don't use the boys against me!" JJ shouted.
"I'm not! I'm simply telling you what Henry said to me. He's hurting, Jennifer. Once, you would've seen it, but all you can do is grieve for a man that's not his father. I'm here. I love you. Stop dwelling on Dr. Spencer Reid and take care of your family."
JJ wiped away more tears and looked at her shoes. She fought to say something, anything to make Will understand that she'd lost her best friend and the love of her life. Oh, God!
Will was studying her when she met his eyes and when she saw that he already knew what she'd been thinking, her heart shattered because she loved him too. "Will, I love you and –"
"Stop!"
Will's quiet tone sent torrents of cold blood through her body, and she shivered at the dead light in his eyes.
"Honey," JJ began and stopped when Will got to his feet.
"I'm leaving."
"No, babe, please don't go. I – "
"Just stop," Will held out a hand as she surged to her feet. "I've already packed a bag. I'll call you tonight."
"Will!"
JJ dropped into her chair and began to sob as Will turned on his heel and left her alone in the October sunlight shining down on her new tulip bulbs. The spring would reveal their loveliness, but she had no desire to see them or go through life without Will and Spence.
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JJ sat at her dining room table with a cup of cold coffee. She stared at the clock on the wall, which read a bit after six pm. It was dinner time, but she had no appetite.
The silence in the house pressed against her eardrums. How could it be so calm in the middle of a busy neighborhood? Maybe she'd never noticed the quiet because she always had Will and the boys.
Tears welled up in her eyes, and she put aside her coffee mug. Perhaps if she contacted her mother and spoke to the boys, her desire to cry would fade.
"Hey, mom," she greeted when Sandy appeared on her tablet. "Am I disturbing dinner?"
"No," Sandy said and then narrowed her eyes. "Jennifer, what's wrong? You've been crying."
"I'm fine. I was chopping onions for a soup," JJ lied.
"Are you sure?"
JJ nearly broke down and told Sandy the truth. Her mother had become very perceptive since they'd mended their relationship. "Yes, mom. I wondered if I could talk to the boys."
After JJ explained that the boys couldn't talk to their father because he'd gone to work, she listened to Michael go on about the farm animals that she'd loved as a little girl. The memories made her smile despite the tinge of sadness that always hung over her thoughts of Roz.
"Granma, let me pet Jeff," Michael said of the youngest calf.
"She did; I'll bet that was nice."
"It was funny," Michael said.
A few minutes later, Michael got bored and wandered out of range of the tablet's camera. Henry studied JJ and said. "Mom, why are you sad?"
"It's nothing. I cut my finger chopping carrots. I guess I am a girl, huh."
Henry took this excuse at face value and said. "Oh, I thought you were still sad about Uncle Spencer."
JJ sighed. "I know you've talked to your dad, and I'm sorry I have neglected you. When you get home, we'll have an afternoon of soccer, okay."
"Okay, mom."
"I am feeling better," JJ lied. "I promise."
Henry nodded, and he finally smiled. "Mom, can I be Iron Man for Halloween?"
"Sure. Let's decorate the house when you get home. Then, we'll have hot chocolate and maybe watch some Doctor Who."
Henry frowned. "That was Uncle Spencer's favorite show. I don't wanna watch it yet."
JJ flinched a little but managed a smile for him. "Oh, of course. I'm sorry, honey."
"I miss him too, mom."
"I know. We'll talk about it later, okay?"
Henry nodded and said. "Love you, mom."
"I love you too, sweetheart."
Sandy came back to the call after Henry said goodbye. "You feeling better, honey."
"Yes, you and the kids are the best medicine."
"Well, make sure you eat something. You've lost weight, dear, and you've always been thin."
"I will," JJ said and tried not to sigh. "Love you, mom."
"I love you too, Jennifer. Get some sleep, okay."
"I will. Bye."
JJ put the tablet aside and lay her head on the kitchen table, where she wept until her eyes burned.
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The following day dawned cold and gray. Only the grass had color from fallen leaves. JJ looked out of the living room window while she sipped coffee and tried to decide if she wanted to deal with the day or go back to bed.
Will hadn't come back, and she hadn't checked her phone for messages or texts. She was scared out of her mind that he'd left forever.
JJ turned away from the window and went to the sofa. She sat and stared at the mantle over the fireplace, where she kept several family photos in matching frames. Finally, her eyes found one that showed her with Henry and Will on their first Christmas together. Spence had taken that picture.
JJ blew out a forceful breath and looked away. She would not cry today. It was Sunday, and the boys would be home later in the day. She'd have to learn to be strong for them.
Her eyes became traitors and forced her to study the pictures no matter the memories or feelings they invoked. Then, at last, they fell on the Halloween portrait from last year. They'd dressed as characters from Star Wars. The party that night was one of her favorite memories when she felt that she and Will were in a good place, and she thought that nothing could go wrong.
It's your fault. You should've resolved your love for Spencer years ago.
JJ left her perch and went back to the window to stare out at the day. The wind had picked up, and it tossed the trees and shrubs about mercilessly, as an uncaring God might shake the world until the mountains collapsed and the seas washed away all living things.
Her phone beeped, and JJ jumped as though frightened by a slamming door. She hurried to answer It, but it wasn't Will. Instead, the voice on the other end was that of a stranger. His words changed her world so drastically she couldn't cry, breathe or think.