The apartment is quiet. Too quiet. There's no noise to drown out the static in her head. Does anyone hear it?

She's exhausted all the techniques she knows that are supposed to help her sleep. Nothing works. The water in her glass feels like sawdust in her mouth. She needs something stronger.

Whiskey. The sip burns, the first thing besides the crushing guilt and fear that she has felt in days. The next sip is more of a gulp and the glass is empty.

The events of today flash like a silent film in her head. It's a loop reel that she can't seem to stop. The house…the basement…the boy. Another drink…the lake…the bodies. Another drink. Wasn't my glass empty?…Larkin…Jay…Voight…the warehouse…the boy…Larkin… Another drink.

The whiskey no longer burns as she drains the glass. Did I pour another? She must not have finished the first one but then, the bottle was nearly empty. Was that me? She can't remember pouring another drink after the first but each time she finished the glass, more whiskey appeared. The sting in her eyes turns to a full burn, the static getting so loud she has to shut her eyes.

Water rushes over her head and down her back as she steps from under the spray, opening her eyes. Head shaking in confusion, Hailey lifts the glass to her lips, taking another drink of whiskey. Everything's fine. I drank more than I thought. That's why I don't remember getting in the shower. Everythings fine…

"I just need sleep." She tells the mirror image of herself. If she could just get some damn sleep she'd be able to handle this. Hands braced on the edge of the sink, Hailey tires a couple of deep breaths, wishing the sound would stop. Doesn't anyone hear it?

Blood…there's blood in the sink again. She lifts her eyes to the mirror, watching as a tiny trickle of blood drips from the cut on her cheek. What the hell is happening? "You're just tired." The whisper echoes off the bathroom walls as she walks out, desperate to try and sleep. She's pretty sure her reflection watches her leave. I just need sleep

Someone's here. Her eyes snap open, head lifting to find Jay standing in the doorway.

It's okay now. He knows.

Hailey can see it in his eyes. The noise in her head, the white noise that's gotten worse and worse over the last few weeks, the harsh sound that is anything but peaceful as some find it, stops. Like a fog has been lifted, she can finally see him.

His posture by the door is defeated and yet his eyes hold a slightly accusatory gaze as he stares her down. She's wanted to tell him for so long what's been going on and she did. This morning in the locker room, she said it…told him the truth.

I killed him…I can't…it's destroying me…I can't live with it…and Hailey can't. She doesn't even know who she is anymore. All she needed was for him to hear her but he thought she was talking about this case…today, and then Voight appeared. Not so long ago, Hailey used to think he was untouchable, unshakeable, a vigilante of sorts. Maybe he still is but looking up to find him watching her, it wasn't relief that washed through her. He wasn't here to save her from herself. He was there to keep her quiet.

"You okay, Hailey?"

But she heard what he wasn't saying. Accept it…carry it…move on. It was pure fear that had her ragged breathing evening out. She was so close to telling Jay…so close to absolution…but she didn't deserve it. She was a monster now too. She was just like him. She went to that warehouse to stop him. To save him from making a mistake that could destroy him and everything he's built…destroy all of them, but she failed, couldn't even save herself. In a moment, the second she let loose the first bullet, she gave it all up. Her integrity, her legacy, her soul. Destroyed it all for a man she once worshipped but that night the darkness in him called to the very same darkness in her and like a naive little girl, she took it's hand and followed it down.

She's stuck here. In a hell of her own making. How stupid had she been to think she could do this, think that she could carry it…she was wrong. She can't turn it off like Voight said she would need to if she wanted to survive it.

Jay was the only thing keeping her afloat. He was the only thing that wasn't yet tainted by her mistakes. Or at least he hadn't been when the day started.

"Tell me what happened the night we found Kim." Jay finally speaks. The careful quiet in his voice making her chest constrict painfully.

"I don't…" Hailey starts, but the hurt and disbelief on his face stops her from saying more.

"I want to hear it from you. I want to hear you say it. Tell me again that nothing happened." His voice breaks at the end, the emotion getting the best of him and it's all she can do to not beg him to hold her and fix it all when he sags onto the end of the bed, back to her, staring down at his hands.

This is where the tears would come. Every time she tried to tell him, to let it out, she'd choke on the tears and the fear, always turning it into her telling him how much she loves him…how much she needs him. And she does…love him. She loves him so much but it seems for the moment at least, that the tears are gone and for that, she's grateful. The only thing left to do now is tell him the whole story and hope he loves her enough to stay. Hope he won't hate her.

"By the time I realized what he was doing, Voight already had Roy. If I had noticed earlier, I might have stopped it all but I was too late." She wants to move closer to him but instead, grips the comforter in her fists, forcing herself to stay put, thankful that he at least isn't looking at her right now. "Roy was already in pretty bad shape when I got there. I begged him to stop, Jay. If nothing else, please believe that. I begged him to stop and we were going to bring him in. I got Voight to stop and then Roy had Voight's gun and I shot. He was going to kill him. I did it right…I did it right…" She did what she was trained to do but Voight… "He made me leave then. Told me he would take care of it." Cue the numbing drive home and her fear driven proposal. No matter how much she meant it, no matter how many times she tells him that it wasn't, the fear of losing him played a huge part in asking him that night. She didn't want and still doesn't want to be without him.

The story must match whatever version of events he's pieced together because there aren't any questions from him. She's certain this is it. That this is the end of them because how could it not be? She killed someone, let it be covered up, and then lied over and over again. The breath he releases tells her he's disappointed in her and Hailey wants to tell him that he'll never be as disappointed in her as she is of herself. She hates who she is…what she's become.

"I wanted him to be lying…Voight. When he said you killed him, I couldn't believe it. Hailey, how…"

"You talked to Voight?" Was that how he found out?

"Were you expecting someone else to tell me?" He snaps it out and she's so on edge and so sleep deprived that she can't stop her body from curling into itself like she needs protecting from him even though she knows Jay would never lay a hand on her like that. Her arms are wrapped tight around her knees, face pressed against them, trying to think of anything she could say that would fix this.

"I'm sorry. And I know it's not enough…that saying it will never be enough but there's nothing you can say to me that I haven't already thought. You'll never hate me more than I hate myself, Jay but I am…sorry. That I did it…that I lied. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be like him but…"

"Why the hell would you want to be like him!" Jay asks in a harsh whisper, finally turning. The sight of her, knees against her chest, her whole body vibrating with anticipation…it breaks through the rage he's feeling.

"Don't" Jay whispers, "Don't do that. I'm allowed to be mad, Hailey. I'm allowed to be upset with you." He takes a breath followed by a long exhale, making sure he's calm enough before he returns to the bed, this time right next to her. He wants to touch her but he needs her to look at him first. He needs her to see it's him. "Hailey, look at me." If anything, she presses further into herself and that kills him.

I'm sorry…She wants to tell him a million times but it's not what he wants to hear. She doesn't even want to hear it. It tastes bitter on her tongue. She just…doesn't know what to say that would make this better.

"I messed up." Hailey slowly lifts her head, meeting his gaze and what she sees has her shattering. Was that disgust in his eyes? She can feel herself fracturing into a million jagged pieces that she'll never be able to put back together. Her skin feels like it's being flayed back layer by layer, ripping her apart. I lost him…I did this…A sob rips from her throat and then another and another until the choked cries turn silent, her whole body rejecting the surge of emotion racing through her.

Help me…please help me, Jay. "I can't breathe…I ca…can't…" She's never had a panic attack before this morning. Never truly understood how horrible they were until today. Was this what dying felt like?

"You're okay, Hailey." Jay's voice is soft in her ear. Unable to stand the sight of her sobbing, he moved behind her, pulling her back gently against his chest, pushing her legs out in front of her so they rested between his. "Feel me breathing, Hailey. In and out." He's got his palm pressed high on her stomach, pushing in when he exhales and releasing on the inhale. "I'm right here." They sit like that until she settles, each hiccupped breath of hers breaking his heart a little more. He can't stand to see her so broken.

"I'm so…tired." Hailey whimpers. The tears start again but these are tears of exhaustion, her body too depleted to fully cry.

"I know." He kisses the side of her head, "I know, Hailey" whispering into her hair.

"I feel like…I think…I'm losing my mind, Jay." As the days turned to weeks after Roy, the lack of sleep really started to hit her. This past week has been the worst by far though. Since Jay's blast from the past with Knox and all the things he said to her on the steps, she started losing more and more sleep until three nights ago, she stopped completely. Murder and lies…How could she expect him to understand what she did after that?

"You aren't losing your mind. Let me grab a quick shower and we'll try to get you to sleep, okay?" After she nods against his shoulder, he stands from the bed, helping her get comfortable again. "Be right back." A quick kiss to her brow and then he's starting toward the bathroom.

Once inside, he can't help but replay what happened with Voight. He hit him…punched him right in the mouth. Something that, if he's being honest, he's wanted to do for a long time. They'd just stared each other down after asking him what he had to show for everything he did that night, the minutes dragging by until finally, Jay could stand it no longer.

"She trusted you. She trusted you to protect her. That's your job, remember? That's what you always say…but it's bullshit. You didn't protect her. You saw what this was doing to her…You knew she wasn't okay but you did nothing." Jay opens his truck door, done with his boss…done with this night.

"Jay…"

"You broke her." Jay looks at Voight, his eyes full of sadness. There's no respect here anymore. Jay was always careful with how much trust and faith to put in Voight and now? It was all gone.

"You broke her…" Jay shakes his head disappointingly at his boss and then climbs into his truck, driving away without looking back.

The shower takes less than ten minutes and then he's rushing through the rest of his routine, clearing all thoughts of Voight from his mind. Hailey needs him.

She hasn't moved from where he left her, her eyes tracking him as he moves to the bed. She almost looks surprised that he came back so to prove that he wasn't going anywhere, he wraps her in his arms, tucking her head over his heart.

"Please forgive me." It sounds like a scared little kid. You were a scared little kid…

His only answer is to pull her tighter into his arms. This was…far from over but he's pretty sure they would make it out the other side okay. "I'm here." He kisses her forehead, "I'm right here, Hailey." Maybe it's the fact that she hasn't slept at all in days, maybe it was the heaviness of the case, or maybe it was the emotionally and physically draining bout of tears earlier, but he finally feels her body relax against his, her slow and even breathing lulling him into his own sleep.

The static starts again the moment she opens her eyes the next morning. It all starts again. She had hoped that Jay finding out would make it better but that wasn't the case.

Did you and Voight find anything? BANG BANG Did you find Roy? BANG BANG Did something happen with you and Voight that night? BANG BANG Did you find Roy? BANG BANG Did you find Roy? BANG BANG

Her feet hit the floor and she's running for the bathroom, heaving into the toilet. The guilt over keeping it from Jay was big but not too far behind was the guilt she felt over lying to Kim. She hated lying to her…to them all.

"You okay?" Jay heard her throwing up, finding her already rinsing out her mouth when he came in.

"Yeah. Sorry…" Dragging the back of her hand across her mouth, she tries for a convincing smile.

"You've got some blood there." Jay points to her cheek, to the cut from yesterday.

"Oh…It's fine." Except it wasn't. She knows if she looks down at her right hand, there will be blood under her fingernail. I did that?

"Hailey…"

"It's fine." Her hand finds his chest as she turns to face him, laying it over his heart. "Shower with me?" Maybe if she isn't alone, her mind will stop playing tricks on her.

"Come on." Jay reaches for her, pulling her into the stall with him.

Just as she starts to pull the door closed behind them, her reflection in the mirror stops her. Was she smiling? She doesn't recognise the person in the mirror. It's me but that's not me…The steam from the hot water fills the bathroom quickly but just before the mirror fogs over completely, Hailey swears the woman in the mirror tips her head back in a silent hysterical laugh. It's not real…

"Hailey?"

The mirror is fogged over now, hiding the reflection from her.

It's fine…Everything is fine.