A/N
This concept came up in a dinner discussion with the family. My husband wrote the story, and I am posting it for him.
SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1
Jack showed early to team night at Sam's. He always liked to be the first one there, spend some "alone" time with her before the fella's would show. He stood at her door, a case of beer in one hand and a pizza in the other, giving her door a gentle knock with his foot. As if she had been standing on the other side, waiting for him to knock, the door was opened almost instantly. She stood there in form fitting jeans and sweater that hugged her in all the right places.
It took Jack's brain a couple of beats to catch up to the lump in his throat when he was finally able to stammer out, "Hey Carter" and pushing out the pizza, "Ya mind?"
She took the pizza and shook her head, "You know I already have some food sir"
"Yeah, for rabbits."
Giving Jack a smirk, Sam was quick to reply, "Not all of it is vegetables. I do have a cake."
Looking her square in the eyes Jack replied, "Ohh, Cake!" But after taking a step he turned and asked, "Not carrot cake? You can't put vegetables into a cake!"
Sam gave a laugh and went back towards the kitchen. Jack followed and placed the beer into her fridge before taking a seat at the bar top. He sat there watching her as she moved around her kitchen, chopping or mixing the different "foods" she was preparing. 'There is only so many ways to make a salad,' Jack thought as he watched, enjoying the view as she turned and bent over to grab another bowl from under the counter.
Knowing he needed to behave, Jack stood and called over his shoulder, "Carter, I'm gonna take a seat in the living room, keep out of your way."
Without turning, she replied, "No problem sir" and continued with her preparations.
Sitting down on the couch, he could still see her as she moved about the kitchen, but now she was just a floating head, a very cute blond head, but that was all he could see. This should help him keep his "dirty old man" thoughts in check.
Glancing at his watch, he realized that the guys should be there in about twenty minutes. Plenty of time for him to get into trouble.
He had been sitting there for a couple of minutes, watching the lovely head as it levitated about the kitchen, trying to ignore his vivid imagination about what the rest of her body was doing when there was a slight bump on his foot.
"Carter," he yelled out, "Did you get another cat?"
From the kitchen, the floating replied, "No sir"
Looking down as she was replying, he saw a strange circular thing moving away around his feet. All at once, he jumped onto the couch and reached out to grab the lamp since he had left his gun in the truck. Yelling out, "What the HELL?" he was thwarted as the device retreated under the couch again.
Carter jumped at his yell, her 2IC instincts kicking in at the tone of his voice, the knife already in her hand; she darted around the counter to back up her commanding officer.
"What is it sir?" She asked, her eyes scanning her house for the threat that Jack had clearly seen.
"Replicator, under the couch," he yelled as he leaped off the couch to her side. "I am going to flip the couch and you kill it."
Locking eyes with her, he saw her 'yes sir' as she prepared to strike on his command. Jack reached down and with one hand was able to lift and tilt her couch, flipping to its back. The ground below the couch was clear of any replicators, but it could have only moved behind her end table. They moved together, without any prompting as they systematically searched and coincidentally wrecked Carter's living room.
In the now still and quiet room, Jack was able to pinpoint a foreign sound, pointing at the curtain on the far wall. They positioned themselves, each on either side of the window both ready to strike when the machine popped out from under the floor length curtain.
As Jack was poised to strike, the lamp swinging down with the full force of his body focusing on the point of impact, Carter yelled out, "Don'thitit!"so quickly the words blended together.
All his years of training, the years spent with Carter, he trusted his 2IC and shifted his strike at the last moment and shattered the lamp to the side of the oblivious machine. It continued on its path, going straight toward the couch that was now sitting on its back.
"For crying out loud Carter?" Jack called out still holding the broken stump of the wooden lamp, his eyes locked on the little round machine as is continued to systematically move about the room, the sound of Carter's laughter now drowning out all the other noises of the world.
Carter, the knife now dropped to the floor as she was bent over, holding her stomach with one hand, her other hand covering her mouth as she tried unsuccessfully to hold back the sound. Jack's eyes now slits as he was studying both the machine and his clearly insane number 2. For, sadly not the first time since he had met her, he questioned her hold on reality.
Jack stood there, watching as she continued to work and get herself back under control. He found himself muttering, "No laughing Major" which only got her going all over again.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Sam was finally able to force out, "It's a vacuum sir."
Jack shifted his eyes fully onto the machine that was now just bumping into a corner and moving in the jerky motions back and forth as it attempted to escape the chaos it had entered.
"Doesn't look like any Hoover I've ever seen," Jack replied finally, as Carter was fully under control.
"Roomba sir," She replied, the smile still planted on her face.
"So it dances too?" Jack asked.
"No sir," she replied trying to not laugh all over, "It's called a Roomba."
"So you bought this thing on purpose?"
"It is an automated vacuum," she replied as she started to look around the room to take in all the damage. "It's supposed to keep my house clean."
Jack took in her last statement and couldn't help his reply, "Doesn't seem to be very good at its job there Carter."
Sam put her hands on her hips as she looked straight at Jack and answered, "Not so sure I should blame the Hoover sir."
"Why?" Jack answered, his face masked in pure innocence.
"I bought it because I am at the Mountain so much, it moves about and vacuums up. One less thing I have to worry about," she replied, ignoring his looks.
"So you bought this thing because it sucks," Jack stated, his sarcasm turned up in his post adrenaline mind.
"More than you think sir," Carter replied, "I might have tinkered with it a little."
"Explain."
"You might recall the Orlin incident," She began.
"I do recall your stalker ancient issue."
"Do you also recall the bugs that were placed in my house?"
"The ones you asked for," he replied, his tone shifting slightly from sarcasm toward Colonel.
"No sir," she replied, "The ones I didn't."
"Simmons."
"Yes sir," she answered. "The NID continued to 'monitor' even after the Code 3 team removed all of their equipment. This had me thinking if it could happen again."
"And…"
"Well sir, I juiced up this vacuum," she smiled. "It also sucks up surveillance signals."
"So your vacuum also sucks up bugs," Jack replied, always looking to simplify her statements for his own amusement.
"In a sense," she said, "Yes sir."
"Good to know," Jack started, "We should…"
He was cut off by the sound of Sam's doorbell. Looking around the room, they tried to straighten room for a minute before they both realize there just wasn't time to do anything else, so they went to the door.
Outside, Teal'c and Daniel waited for Sam to answer the door. Teal'c stood holding three gallons of ice-cream as Daniel was rocking back and forth, both listening to the sounds on the other side.
Looking over at Jack's truck in the driveway Daniel asked out loud, "So what do you think is taking them so long?"
"I am not certain DanielJackson," Teal'c replied. "I am certain one of them will respond quickly."
As he finished his statement, the door swung open and before them stood a disheveled Sam and Jack. Both of their clothes were wrinkled and out of sorts. Sam smiled and waved her hand for them to enter, and Jack just stood off to the side as he mumbled out, "Mind the mess."
With a glance between them, Teal'c and Daniel walked into the Team night, not quite sure what they had missed, and not sure they wanted to know.
SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1
No patent infringement implied. Couches have been around forever. Just saying...
No animals or Roomba's were killed in the creation of this story. Can't say the same for the lamp!