A/N: This story starts at the end of Season 11 just after Derek is killed, starting March-April 2015 and is Meredith's journey after losing her soulmate. She chooses to stay and not run away.

Enjoy.

"There's a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the patient's family. We say, "I'm sorry for your loss." It's a pat little phrase and an empty one. It doesn't begin to cover what's actually happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain, that dark, sinking, relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that. We can't get too close. If we felt even little of the joy and the hopes that our patients are saying goodbye to, we'd never be able to function. So we say, "We're sorry for your loss." and we hope it offers something. Some little bit of support. Some bit of peace. Some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the midst of some place dark. An unexpected gift, just when it's needed most."

— April Kepner

All Alone

They were all gone. Ellis was dead. Susan was dead. George killed by a bus. Charles and Reed dead by gunshot. Lexie and Mark killed in the plane crash. Samuel Avery dead. Derek was dead.

Izzie left, Burke left, Molly left and Cristina left. Owen and April were leaving for the Middle East. Even Dr Nicole Herman, Arizona's mentor was now blind and had left Grey-Sloan.

She was alone. Well not completely alone, she has two young children. A widow. Two young children. A Surgeon. And alone. Except Alex, her co-worker, her friend, her brother, her person.

Her biological family was never big. She never knew any of her grandparents. She was raised as an only child by her mom. Her birth mom died in her intern year. Since she'd moved to Seattle she learned of her birth dad's family, 2 half sisters and a step-mom. Her birth dad, Thatcher, was a drunk and completely useless, he might as well be dead. Her step mom, Susan, and half-sister Lexie were among the dead. Molly, her dad's other daughter, lived out of state and had no relationship with her or with her dad. She also had Maggie, a half-sister that had been adopted after birth, who arrived back as a surgeon at Grey-Sloan.

She also had her sister-in-law, Amelia who lived with her and had her husband's job. Her mother-in-law, Carolyn and 3 sister-in-laws were on the east coast. She didn't have a relationship with those on the east coast. Carolyn had stayed for a weeks after Derek died but she headed back to New York and is now very distant.

Her Grey-Sloan Hospital family started with the Chief of Surgery, Dr Richard Webber. He'd been around when she'd last been in Seattle, he remembered carrying her around as a toddler. Her resident, Dr Miranda Bailey could be counted among her family members. She'd named her son Bailey, after Miranda saved her life during that traumatic delivery. Her intern group, Izzie, George, Cristina and Alex. Izzie had left, abandoned them. George had been killed by a bus. Cristina fled to Switzerland. Now only Alex was left. Another 4 students were added to their 3rd year during a merger, only April and Jackson were left.

Her only family was Alex. Not by blood. Not by marriage. But even stronger, by choice. He was her brother. Her strength. Her best friend. Her person.

She was in a dark and twisty place, she was alone, her soulmate was dead.

"I have to believe there's a way. There has to be a way to step off the carousel. Start again. Start fresh. There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind. It's a choice. It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that. I can do that. All I have to do is begin."

— Ellis and Meredith Grey

Stay or Go?

Ellis ran away with Meredith she was 5. They ran across country to Boston. They had no friends, no support network, no family. She grew up with a series of nannies and Ellis retreated to surgery. Meredith doesn't want to do that with her kids. She needed her support network. She needs her work. She needed Alex.

"Mer, I know you want to run. I can see it, but stay for me. Stay for Zola and Bailey. Stay for Richard," said Alex holding her one night after Carolyn left.

"Zola needs Sophia," Meredith agrees.

"You have a professional support network with Dr Webber and Dr Bailey. They will give you the time you need. You have a personal support network with Amelia, Maggie, Jackson, April, Owen, Arizona and Callie. Your kids are at the hospital daycare."

"And you."

"Yes I'm here with you."

"You are always here for me."

"You are my best friend," Alex says still rubbing her back. She finally drifts off to sleep. Hopefully tonight she won't wake in fear. Hopefully she will sleep more than 2 hours.

A year ago

Meredith is freaking out because she doesn't want to go to DC. She's realized its not the best for her or their kids.

Meredith: I told Derek I am not moving to DC. The children and I are staying here.

Alex: All right, the miracle is over.

Meredith: The miracle is not over. We're not a miracle. Shut up.

Alex: You can't break into my house and wake me up to talk and then tell me to shut up!

Meredith: My person.

Alex: I don't know what you mean.

Meredith: But you do.

(They hug.)

Meredith: I just don't know if my marriage can survive this.

Derek: I'm not moving to DC.

Meredith: Why would you do that?

Derek: Well, I don't want to live anywhere else when my kids are growing up here. I don't want to be apart from them, or you. No job is worth that to me. I want to be with you and the kids here.

He said that he'd stay, but then he moped. He fought. He was angry. When the President kept hounding him she sent him. She made him go. She was tired of the fighting. It wasn't what she wanted, but she couldn't have him stay. They were all unhappy.