After I turned five and learned each safety rule, my folks sent me off to my first day of School. We learned all the basics, the Three Rs, and Gym and learning bout what's under every Zook's skin. But 'bov all other lessons, SPREADING Class was the thing that was, so we'd heard, meant to make our hearts sing. Each day before lunch with Smeer and a Shlown, we'd all spread our slice with the Butter Side-Down. And the Bread Spreading Oath that we learned from our teach, was a thing that he said we MUST learn and must preach.

''Spread your bread right! Down below, not above! For spreading down symbolates Freedom and Love!"

For three years, I listened and always obeyed. But deep in my brain, curiosity laid. When I had turned 7, I asked my old man: ''Papa, please tell me this, if you can. Why is this Oath and what does it mean? Why do Zooks think Down-Side Butter's so keen?'' Well, Pop just ''hurumph'd'', but still played it cool as he muttered: ''What DO they teach kids in that school?'' He rose from his armchair, took me by the hand and while leaving the house, left our coats on the stand.

He took me, he took me straight down to the wall, on the far side of town where few folks went at all. He looked at me gravely and sounding quite couth quietly said: ''These words I tell you are the truth. As you know, on this side of the wall, we are Zooks. On the opposite side of the Wall live the Yooks! And what I will now tell you, son's sadly true. Of the Regressive, Aggressive thing that Yooks do! For those Yooks! When they eat, when they Breakfast or Supp, they all spread their bread with the Butter Side-Up! But we Zooks, in every City and Town, spread our bread the new way, with the Butter Side-Down! Every Yook is a dingbat! Too set in their ways! Haven't had a new thought in eons! (So they says.) Their Butter Side-Uping is Gross and Unclean! That's why, over here, we find it obscene!"

Just then, from the wall, we heard a sharp "THUD!" I turned to that wall...and my legs turned to mud. Now back in those days, the wall was quite low, allowing the Yook side to easily show and standing there was the 1st Yook I had seen! He was Tall, in his 40s, and FRAZZFULLY mean! He looked like a Zook, 'sept he dressed up in Blue. Not in Orange, as we Zooks are so known to do. He glared right down at me, and with hardly a drawl, he lifted that thing he'd thumped down on the wall! A Snick-Berry Switch, with rough, brickled berries! But was I afraid?

Of course, I was! Very!

With a terrified ''YIPE!" I ran from that wall! As I ran, all alone, I heard my dad call to the Yook guard. Soon their arguing grew loudly loud! So, loud did it grow, it was forming a crowd! That was the first time that I met the Old Guard. Course, he was much younger then, also more hard. I decided that night to avoid the wall, straight! Lest I end up with brickles in my pate. But the years went by fast and that rule was forgot! In my Troublesome Teens, I forgot it a lot! Each day, after High School, me and my crew would head up to the wall to find something to do. By now, the Old Guard was quite a bit older and when we saw him, our hearts got much colder. We would jeer and we'd curse in all forms and pigments! He'd scream back: ''You're Butter Side-Downing delinquents!" And then sometimes, when guardy boy was far away, we'd dump trash on his side and shout: ''Garbage Day!" Then we'd run off and laugh while the Guard, eyes aflame, swore that he'd twitch us the next time we came! It wasn't too smart of us, this I'll agree, but when you have youth, that's what happens, you see.

Graduation then came and soon college began. I was well on my way towards a Zooker Man! I studied precisely and thoroughly through. Majored in Spreadology. (Mixology too.) It was in the latter that I'd meet my wife, the jewel of my heart and the source of my life. Mackenzie MacZookston, that was her name! Her smile full of joy, with such plans in her brain! She was all that I wasn't, so smart and so free! I longed to be near her and soon, I would be. We soon started dating, week after week. We went to the Drive In and Zookhaven Peek. We went to the diner, we went to the mall! We went to, well honestly, anywhere at all.

Our four-year course, it soon came to passes and we graduated at the top of our classes! A year on, in the park, I asked Mackenzie: ''Would you spend all your life with a fool such as me?'' She didn't think twice, said Yes right away! We were married in splendor a month from that day! We bought an apartment right in the town, and so, it was there that we both settled down. When I think of that first year, it seems so unreal. Butter-Side Downing for every meal, snuggling at night and tickling for play! That was how Wifey and Me spent each day. While my parents' inheritance kept us off the ground, my wife worked part-time jobs so we'd not be unwound by our landlord. And yet she was never too wild. She'd had an idea. She wanted a child.

For one year, we tried, but nothing went right. Then a pregnancy test on one stormy night showed the marvelous miracle we'd always prayed for! To be Dad and Mom, was what we were made for! For 9 months, we waited. Then, Oh, that day of Joy! When our world was first blessed with my beautiful boy! I should have been happy. I wanted to weep. The truth of it is, I felt a real creep! I was living off funding from folks passed away. How long could this family go on that way? I turned to my wife soon as we got home and declared ''From now on, you shall not work alone! It's high time I helped feed now Us and the Kid. I'm getting a guards job!" Yep, that's what I did!

Now, the pranks from my teen years, they may have been dire, but at least they had made the Yooks build the Wall higher. Still, Ol' Boss Zookeroo was looking for folks, to make those bad butter dingbats look like jokes! I marched to his office, with the sun down going and cried. ''Sir, I beg. Please forgive me for showing, but it's you I must view! For, you see, I'm your man to kick the up buttering foe in the can! I know this is sudden, but I have a kid. I want him to look up to the things his dad did.'' Boss Zookeroo smiled with a twink in his eye and said. ''Boy! I believe, in my heart, you're the guy who can answer my worries and even our scores! Your enthusiasm's most suited for war! So, Yes! You ARE hired! You're now on my side. Now take your post, dear boy and keep it with pride!"

And so, with that pride, I took charge of my goal. Watching Yooks for the Yook Watching Border Patrol! The money came in and all seemed just fine, but there was one wasp in all that sweet wine. The Old Guard was still there, now older and meaner. My thoughts upon seeing him? Never uncleaner! I cursed at his presence, I sneered at his switches! That day from my childhood still shamed the VanItch's! At least, it did to me, but would could I do? Insite all-out war? Yeah right! Would you? For 6 years, I kept it cool. Cool as could be. Then one day, came the action that finally burned me!

One day in the fall, after summer had gone, I was doing my rounds, just marching along when ''Guardy O'Past It'' came into my view. What I saw him do I will relay to you. This Zook kid comes up to him, barely 13, and jeers at him. ''Yo, old dude, smell what I mean when I say that your butt smells like it's infestin'!? Try it Butter Side-Down! It'll help with digestion!" And before I could stop it, I saw the Yook snap! With a seeth in his voice and an almighty "WAP!" he brought down his switch right on the Lad's snoot! Leaving it swollen and brickled to boot! The poor kid doubled over screaming in pain. Holding his conk, then screaming again! As the medics rode up, took the sad boy away, I angrily thought: ''Now it's MY turn to play!"

Back to the apartment I slunk, very quickly and opened my boy's bedroom door rather clickly. I borrowed his slingshot while he was at school and went back to make some good use of this tool. When I saw the old Guard I crouched by the wall and snuck right up close. I was having a ball! Then when I was ready, I grabbed a small pebble, then slung the stone right at the switch like a rebel! "Woosh!" went the pebble! "CRACK!" went the switch and twigs and their berries fell every way which! The old brute looked shook, but he wasn't alone! The folks who were near me will gladly atone. They gaped and they gasped, then one shouted ''Great snake! That slingshotting guard there just gave us a break! No more thistles or brickles to pull from our rumps! No more infections with sore, pus-filled lumps!" ''Yahoo, for the Butter Side-Down!" They repeated! We left the old man, sulky and defeated.

To Boss Zookeroo, they told the whole story. Of my brave actions and heroic glory! "My boy!" he cried out. ''You've done us all proud! You've sent those Side-Upperes a message quite loud! I'll call up your family, they'll be so proud of you! And as for me, son? Here's what I'm gonna do! I've got a good hunch, a marvelous notion to give you a Zrungtasmic type of promotion! You'll now by a Sargent! A top one to boot! Just wait till tomorrow to get your new suit.''

Back home to my family, Oh, how my heart filled with their praises and hugs and cheers of good wills! Kid called me an ''Ace, a real Wingdinger!" (At least, he did that when I returned his slinger.) We slept little that night. Thanks, I am sure, to the slew of reporters that came to our door. But when I came to my post next day at 9, I didn't feel sleepy. Heck, I felt quite fine! And who wouldn't, I ask, when this smallish town zero now found himself as a national hero!? I marched to that wall with anticipation, new sling in hand! (Army Regulation)

But, just as I got there, from the other side came that crazy old Yook Guard, smiling with pride. And what did I see him, just wheeling in front? A three slinged shooter thing with rocks sharp and blunt! The Triple-Sling Jigger! A horrid device that made my heart sink and my skin turn to ice! It was tall as two men and a child on the top. As I loosened my grip, I felt the sling drop! The old man came up, with all of his vigour. I was dead in his sights. His hand on the trigger! ''I'll take no more nonsense,'' he said with a frown. ''from Zooks who eat bread with the butter side-down!" What else could I do? I could not stay and die, leave my kid and my widow to mourn and to cry! I made a retreat then. The best I could do! Then ran to the HQ of Boss Zookeroo ashamed and confused maxed up to 11. Mind filled with memories of when I was 7.

I told my sad tale to the boss, but Suprise! He rose from his chair with a smile in his eyes! "Dear boy.'' he soothed softly. ''If I may be chummy, this minor failure shouldn't make you feel crummy! Now it just so happens, It's true, cross my heart, that I've known about this thing right from the start! I've planted a Spy in the Cheif Yookeroo's Back-Room. We pay him and he gives us the clues on all of their weapons, all of their plans from their regressive, aggressive right-side-up land! Now, your new sarge stuff just arrived in the mail. So here, go get dressed while I tell you the tale of what MY Boys in MY Back Room plan to do to beat that Sling Jigger and see our cause through.''

Those boys in the backroom, more clever than clever, made the best sling repeller you ever saw. Ever! My defensive weapon, ''The Jigger-Rock Snatchem", would hurl the stones back just as fast as I'd catch'em! We rolled to the wall, to old Mr ''Vigour'' with my new Hat and Patches, my hand on the trigger. ''We'll take no more nonsense!" I said with a shlupp. ''From you Yooks who eat bread with the butter Side-Up!". Like that, it was done. The cook left looking creased and the cheers that followed felt like they'd never cease. Then, back to my family, back to more praise! I was so overwhelmed, I felt warm for two days.

Then, late in the night, I woke up with a moan to the ringtone of my brand-new Smellular Phone! As I plugged in my nose, the thick smell of fears went right up my schnoz and into my ears! Sure enough, I heard the sharp voice of The Boss. ''Come here quickly, lad! If not, all's a loss!" Got changed in a flash, kissed my loved ones goodbye. told em that I'd be back in the wink of an eye. Then off to HQ as fast as I could, with Boss Zookeroo with a face like Dead Wood. ''My boy.'' he said thinly. ''Forgive the late call, but when I have to tell you now affects us all. My inside man tells me the foe in the blue, are done with their slingshots! Yes, totally through! Their boys in their backroom have now turned to guns and in their diseased minds that think it's all fun, they've cooked up and hideous hoblin of one! Their Kick-a-Poo Kid shoots out Poo-a-Doo Powder and ants eggs and bees legs and dried-fried clam chowder. And they've mounted it on some poor doggy named Daniel, so he'll break his back for their aid! the poor Spaniel! But, don't fret, dear Colonel, while you go get dressed, The Boys in my Back Room will build one more best!"

They sure kept his promise. Their gun was a hit! I rode it in style in my new colonel kit. ''The Eight Nozzled, Elephant-Toted Boom-Blitz!" would fire High-explosive Sour Cherry Stone Pits. And lifting the cannon that I was to shoot, were two elephants who were friendly and cute. They were twin siblings, Nelly and Norton. (Their first cousin, once removed's first name was Horton.) As the dawn slowly broke and sun gently rose, we spotted the old guy and Daniel, who froze! I called down to him and those blue-suited gits, bout the gun and the Phants and the Cherry Stone Pits. ''This'll put your dumb Kick-a-Poo Kid on the fritz!" The dog dug a hole and they buried the gun and I knew as they left, that my mission was done.

We headed back home to a wonderful treat. The Upside-Down Song Girls did happily greet me with a parade that lasted all morn. Left me enough time for some flakes made of corn. The Butter-Down Band was there, playing their tune! They'd even hired a guy who could croon! Oh, what a parade and Oh, what a way to celebrate victory and start a new day! I scooped up my family off of the streets and placed them on additional passenger seats. And as we all laughed, I heard my young boy cry ''Gee! Our whole town from up here's like a toy!" with my son at my side as well as my wife, this was the happiest day of my life. If only I'd known what events would proceed, I'd have held them much closer. Much closer indeed.

The next day at 9, I was walking to work when I saw a huge something that made my nerves jerk! Just outside HQ like a Goblin from Heck, was some kind of Sub-Marine, land-going mech! It had two iron legs, stretching into the air and glitches and switches and some Savoir-Faire. Then out came our leader who greeted me smiling. ''How do ya like it, boy? Ain't she beguiling? You can thank our Yook Friends for this new design. We couldn't improve it, so this'll do fine! It's an ''Utterly Splutter!" It's made just to putter blue sticky glue on the Yooks' boring butter! Oh, by the way! We've all decided to make you a General to keep us united through what's sure to me a most tremendous war! Uniforms in the cockpit! Go scare 'em more!"

Now this fever for war took me slightly aback, but no time to question. I had to attack! So into the cockpit and into my duds. Then General VanItch took off with foot thuds. The faucets were spitting. So eager to glue up the lips of those Yooks with their Butter untrue! I was reaching the wall, my heart full of glee when that crazy Old Guard came charging at me in his Sputter. So, quickly, I started to yell: ''If you sprinkle us Zooks, you'll get sprinkled as well!" That made him stop alright. Dead in his tracks. And so we were Stymied in both our attacks. I said to him straight. ''If Yooks can goo Zooks you'd better forget it, 'Cause Zooks can goo Yooks!" The old man was beaten, he could not return. He left his craft, Depressed from the pain of my burn. I laughed to myself, feeling 15 years younger and settled right down for a victory slumber.

I'd not had 5 minutes of my deserved nap, when my Smellular Phone woke me up with a rap. I plugged my nose in and that's how it started. The thought of that scent still leaves me fainthearted. It smelled...just, so toxic. I was at a loss. Was this brand new phone miss-smelling the Boss? The words that he whispered chilled my poor gut. ''Grave news. Brace yourself and head down to the hut.'' So out of the cockpit and right down the road, but strangely enough, no others had showed. The paths were all empty, the fields now untrodden. Why was no one at work? Had they all just forgotten?

When I got to the Office my heart quietly skipped! For the office now looked quite like a garbage tip! Then Boss Zookeroo poked out his head through a hatch! ''Don't worry, Our heads are still firmly attached. But while all of us here are doing just fine, the entire Zook race has much more on the line. Those psychopath Yooks may have doomed our whole world! With a bomb that will destroy each Zook boy and girl. If this bomb, my boy, is dropped on our nation, it'll wipe out our butter-down civilization!'' Then, out from the shadows back there where he be, he pulled out an arm rod and stretched it t'wards me. Then into my palm, it dropped a small thing. It felt like a gumdrop with an atomic ring. ''That's the one.'' Hissed the Biss as if he had the flu. ''They call it ''The Bitzy Big-Boy Boomeroo! And before they can blow us to Sala-ma-goo, we'll get them all first! Now it's up to you. Our people will be down in underground lairs while you catch those upright uptights unawares. Throw it over the wall and then run away! Then you, um, Duck and Cover and...I don't know! Pray!"

So off to the wall very slowly I walked and I looked round our town with the eyes of a hawk. The streets were deserted. No sign of life, when I suddenly heard the voice of my wife. Mackenzie. My son. We all stood face to face, my hand with that bomb their sight did embrace. She begged me: ''Don't do this, things have gone too far! My love, is up-buttering really on par with evil so much, you must wipe out their race? Men, women and children off this planet's face. Boss Zookeroo doesn't know what he's done! Just put the bomb down and we can all run...''

I cut her off then. ''It's too late, dear wife to put down this bomb. It's already live. Take our son to the Zookery. They'll know what to do. Come hell or high water, I'll soon be with you. Son, don't you cry now. Everything will be great. When the Yooks are all gone, we'll be free of their hate.'' I kissed them farewell and went on my path to the wall, which had grown to a mile and a half. Couldn't dump your trash over or jeer things uncouth. In spite of myself, I was missing my youth. A few loose bricks gave me stairs to my perch. Then I heard an old voice that made my guts lurch. It was the old man. He was speaking with dread. ''You should be down that hole! And you're up here instead! But perhaps this is all for the better, somehow. You will see me make history! RIGHT HERE! AND RIGHT NOW!"

My eyes became gaunt. I knew what he was saying. With his Bitsy Big-Boy Boomeroo, he was playing! With a gopulous gulp, I heard the old creep leap onto the wall and let out a beep as he screamed: ''Here's the end to each village and town of you fiends who eat bread with the butter side down!" Midway through his rant, I got frightfully mad! These things he was saying were frightfully bad! And so, I decided, quite resolutely: ''Better those Yooks than my family and me!" I klupped 'cross the wall, my brain filled with rage and I showed my bomb to that overseasoned sage. ''I'll blow you,'' I snarled ''into pork and wee beans! I'll Butter Side-Up you to small smithereens!" I'd have fed him that bomb, probably sent him sky high, when an image came into the edge of my eye. On their side, clinging onto a tall Whoomphing Tree was a small little Yookling, just staring at me.

Now for all my school lessons that I could unfurl, I never had seen a yook boy or girl. Not once! Although frequently, our news enthused that many Yook children were often abused. But this boy looked OK, not starved and not wellted. But from his wide eyes, my soul was soon pelted by something. By something both hateful and dear. A painful emotion. The feeling of fear. I turned to the Old Yook making his procession across the wall's edge, yet maintained my expression. I glanced at the bomb, then between the two and suddenly, Mackenzie's words rang so true. We'd hated the Yooks yes. We always had, but in their Yook eyes, us Zooks were the bad. Their Leaders, like ours, had brought them around to warring on those who ate butter side-down. And where had it led us? To this grand destruction? Two figures, two bombs and one big eruption? I kept on my war face. Oh, lord. That poor lad must have been round the same age as my little brat. And right in that moment of terror and shame, it hit me. ''Does that old man feel the same?''

''Grandpa!" The boy cried. ''Be careful! Oh, gee! Who's going to drop it? Will you...? Or will he...?''

''Be patient,'' said Old Guard. ''We'll see.''

''We will see...''