Hello friends. me again. Anyone else missing these two? I do miss them a lot. I present to you a multi-part vomit of feelings. I don't know why I started writing this but I could not stop.
Start Again
Part 1
Owen stares at the door and takes a deep breath. There shouldn't be anything unnerving about this. It's been their life and their routine for years. It got easier eventually. It still hurts, but it got easier. But he feels uneasy and unnerved.
He lets go of Leo's hand to knock on the door. Leo slips his hand back in Owen's hand, Owen thinks it's to comfort him. He thinks that in some way Leo can feel his distress even though he's doing his best to hide it. Allison impatiently fidgets on his other side. Doing a little dance.
"Daddy, I have to pee so bad" She says dramatically.
"Me too!" Leo says calmly.
Owen knocks again, more impatiently this time. Teddy eventually opens the door and Allison and Leo bolts in racing for the bathroom.
"Hello to you too, I guess" Teddy says passively as she watches them run past her. She eventually looks at Owen and gives him a smile. Owen's heart still aches a little when he sees her smile. "Hey" She says and opens the door wider to let him in. She was polite, courteous. She always has been.
"I—It's okay. I'll go. I have to check into the hotel and—You can spend time with the kids."
"Stay… come on. I made dinner."
He stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets and walks in. He wonders why she's suddenly asking for him to stay. Does she have news. Does she have something to talk about. Is she finally moving on.
Four years after officially parting ways, they find themselves doing a weird dance in the foyer of Teddy's home. It should not be this awkward for him anymore. But every time he finds himself near Teddy, memories flood back in. Memories of friendship and trust and care that they could not salvage.
"How was the flight?" Teddy asks, leaning in for an awkward half-hug. He knows she's making polite conversation. Asking generic questions.
"Good. Not bad. The kids were..fine" He says. He fidgets with something in his pocket. It's a receipt, probably. A receipt from the airport when he bought snacks for the kids.
She smiles at him. He wonders what she's thinking. Her eyes shift down the hall to the bathroom. Leo standing outside pounding the door. Allison inside screaming "Stop you're scaring my pee away!"
"Leo." Both of them say a the same time. Sternly. Parental. Leo steps away from the door and waits patiently.
They look at each other with a little smile.
They broke up. Four years ago. They officially called off their wedding and they fought and they broke up. It was all a blur to him. He was blinded by the pain and the agony and he's pretty sure he did not mean anything he said to her.
It was the pride. It was the hurt. It was the distrust.
So they decided to just go their separate ways.
Four years ago they sat and talked. It wasn't an easy conversation to have. Months before their conversation—THE conversation, Owen felt that they were irreparable. Teddy felt that they could fix it if they tried. And eventually she got tired of waiting. She got tired of trying. She got tired of being the bad guy. She got tired of being the person everyone hated. So she left. So she decided to leave. She had a lot of contacts in the east coast. It didn't take long for her to find a job in New York.
Teddy leads him to her kitchen and handing him a bottle of beer. The one he likes. He cocks his head at her questioning.
"You drink this now?"
"No. I got it for you." She says with a smile. He notices her eyes twinkle. He could speculate and create scenarios in his head of tonight feels different. It makes him nervous that maybe he'll lose her forever. He doesn't know why he had that inkling. He's already lost her, technically. She pours herself a glass of wine. "Does Allison still eat fish?"
"Oh yeah. She refuses to eat everything else though. No animals. Don't tell her fish is an animal" He feels guilty lying to their daughter but he's not ready to parent a vegetarian. He has no idea what that means or what that entails or how nutritious that is for their five year old. He's sure that's good and healthy but that's a lifestyle he has no knowledge of and no mental capacity to venture. So no, in his household, fish is not an animal.
Teddy just chuckles in response. " I made salmon. And a chicken cutlet for Leo. I don't know the last time he was here he didn't want to eat the fish"
"Yeah, he still won't eat fish."
Allison runs into the kitchen and runs to her mother for a hug. "Hi mommy"
"Hi Al." She says, squeezing her five year old and carrying her on her hip. She's Teddy's mini-me. They look exactly alike, but there's also so much of Owen in her face. Strawberry blonde hair. Blue eyes.
Leo runs in shortly after and Owen just gives him a look. "Did you wash your hands?" He asks. Leo just runs straight back to the bathroom and reemerges and runs straight to Teddy.
"Hey buddy" She says. Owen watches them interact. Like there's nothing weird about this arrangement.
He wonders how Teddy really is. They rarely speak in the last years. They only talk about the kids. Teddy never offered information and he didn't feel that he had the right to ask.
"Do you, uh, need help setting the table?" Owen asks
"No, I'm good. relax. Should be ready in a few. I'll bring their stuff in their rooms."
Teddy picks up the kids bags from the floor and disappears into the hall. The kids running after her telling her all kinds of stories about their trip. Leo was rambling about the dog he met at the airport. Allison chimes in about she wants a dog but their dad said no. Leo then precedes to ask if she could get a dog so they have a dog when they're in New York. Teddy just smiles and says nothing. She just ruffles Leo's unruly hair. Leo just moves on from the conversation and they disappear down the hall.
Owen looks around her kitchen. Clean. Immaculate. Very much like Teddy. He wonders how much time she spends in here. She looks at the pictures hanging on her refrigerator. Kids' artwork hanging. Pictures with the kids. Nothing else. There's one picture of her and him and the kids, taken from a polaroid when Allison was still a baby. Back when they were over the moon happy. He finds himself looking around her living room. He's been here before but he hasn't really taken it in. It's homier now. She's definitely nested. More framed pictures of mostly the kids. One of the four of them nicely framed. It was one taken by his mom. They looked happy. There's one picture of the four of them with Megan and Nathan and Farouk and his mom. Everyone was happy and laughing. Allison as just a tiny bundled bean and Leo was toddler with his wild curly hair. He remembers taking that picture. It was their first Christmas as a family. Megan and her family were in town. They were laughing trying to set-up a camera on a tripod, but no one could figure it out. He wonders what she thinks when she sees these pictures—these memories including him and his family. Does she get sad. Does she miss him. Does she miss them. He often wonders how they ended up here. How did this happen. Who was at fault. Neither or them would say it out loud.
Teddy stands by the foyer watching him. His jacket still on, like he's contemplating bolting. His one hand stuffed in his jacket pocket and the other holding his beer. He's crouched down staring at a picture. It's definitely one of them with his family. She watches as he picks up the frame and examines it. A small smile on his face. She feels her heart twinge and she bites her lip to stop herself from feeling something. From feeling the same regret and pain she's felt all these years.
It wasn't an easy conversation—THE conversation. What are they going to do. How are they going to split custody of the kids. She decided the kids should stay primarily in Seattle. It's their home. They have a support system. Owen's mom's there. Owen's friends are there. The kids have plenty of aunts and uncles. Chosen family. Blood family. The kids would have no one in New York. She can imagine that it's also hard to raise children in New York City, although a lot of people do it. So they settled on Seattle. So they're not too uprooted, even though they probably wouldn't remember.
During breaks from school, Owen flies them to New York to spend time with Teddy. Teddy flies them back to Seattle after a few weeks.
It's not ideal. It definitely hurts her that it had to end up this way. The kids don't seem to mind. Maybe they just don't know any better. After all, they were too young when Teddy left. They grew up flying back and forth. They grew up communicating with her on FaceTime. The truth was she was hoping he'd fight for her. Tell her to stay. Convince her and assure her that they can work things out. But he lets her go without a fight.
Neither of them think this is for the best. Owen's mom definitely does not think this is the best way to handle this. Megan has tried to meddle, or mediate, depends on how you look at it.
But Teddy felt that she needed change. She needed to move on. Away from Owen. Away from everyone else. All she knew was she needed to leave.
She got a Chief of trauma job in one of the Catherine Fox hospitals in New York. They offered her big money. She is more than qualified. When she came to Webber and let him know she was leaving and looking for other opportunities in the East Coast, Webber went to Catherine right away to find something for Teddy. At the same time, her former colleagues at Columbia have also offered her a position at the same hospital she ran away from. The two hospitals fought for her, which felt nice. It was nice to be wanted. Richard Webber tried to convince her to stay. In all honesty, Richard Webber fought for her to stay way more than Owen or anyone. But he understood when she eventually confided in him that she can no longer stay in Seattle. That maybe New York would be a better place for her at the moment. So he convinced her to pick the job Catherine offered her instead. So at least it's still within the family. If she chose to come back to Grey-Sloan there will always be a spot for her. She saved Meredith Grey's life after all.
So she packed her bags. She moved back to New York after decades of avoiding New York. She moved to a brownstone in the Village. It's a little out of her budget but it's gorgeous. Three bedrooms, so the kids can have their own bedrooms when they're visiting. It's in the first floor so she also gets the backyard. She feels different from when she lived there years—decades—ago. It's more adult. It's far from memories of her and Allison and Claire even though their apartment was only a few blocks away from her brownstone.
She thought she couldn't live there without her Allison, but she was wrong. She finds herself walking by their old building, and at first she thought it would trigger her, but she felt relief. She felt that she's finally letting that go. It will come back from time to time and it will hurt from time to time. But Allison's memory changed. Allison's ghost doesn't haunt her anymore. Not the way it used to. Now Allison's memory brings her back to Owen. How her missteps of handling Allison's memory has lead her here. Alone. Without Owen. Without her kids. So she's letting that ghost go. Because now there's a chance for her to start a new chapter in her story.
It was a fresh beginning. New job. Old friends. New friends. She and Arizona and Callie reunited. They took her in and took care of her. They listened to her and held her when she cried when she missed her babies. When she missed Owen.
She has her chosen family here. That's enough for her.
But here they are, four years later. Four years of this unconventional charade. Four years of flying back and forth. And four years of no progress. But Owen is in her living room. Instead of just dropping the kids off and fleeing to a hotel and then flying back to Seattle. Today Owen agreed to stay for dinner. And Owen is looking at her framed memories on the mantle.
"That's a cute one" Teddy says making her presence known
Owen looks up at her and places the picture down. "It is." he says as he bridges the distance between them. She's surprised that he's standing close to her. He hasn't in years. He's always kept his distance as if she bites.
They're both quiet. No one really knows what to say. The kids' giggles and laughter echoes from Allison's room.
"So.. Uh.. How are you?" She asks walking to the kitchen to get dinner ready.
"Uhm" He says "Good, good. I guess. Nothing exciting has happened" She watches as he takes off his jacket and sets it on the back of a chair. He always looked good in t-shirts. For some reason she notices that he looks even better now. His biceps. His…chest. Teddy just looks away and looks back down at the stack of plates in her hands.
"The kids are good?"
"Yeah. Allison has been bragging to all her classmates that she's seeing the Rockettes" Owen says, taking a stack of plates from Teddy and places it on the kitchen island. She takes the honey-glazed salmon out of the oven, staring at it intently, avoiding staring at Owen's biceps and pectorals.
Teddy just laughs in response "I wish you'd stay and come with us" It just spills out of her mouth. She didn't mean to say it out loud. But she was thinking it. She always thinks it when she sees him. But tonight it comes out of her mouth. And he just gives her a platonic smile.
"Maybe next year" he says.
Her heart sinks. But she's fine. She can brush it off. What can she expect? A sudden reunion? Like nothing happened between them? So she just continues plating dinner.
"How are you?" He asks. She cant remember if he's ever asked her that in the four years. At least not sincerely. It would always just be in passing. But tonight it seemed sincere. Or maybe she wanted it to be sincere.
"I'm good. You know…busy. But happy to have a two weeks off and spend time with the kids"
"Yeah…"
They quietly move around the kitchen. Getting dinner ready. Allison sprints into the kitchen announcing that she's "starved" and she climbs on her unspoken designated spot on the table. She was grateful for the interruption because her mind was spiraling down fast into a pit of Owen despair. Despair because she will never stop blaming herself for everything that has happened. Despair because those arms could have always been around her. And her head could have been resting against that chest.
Teddy and Owen both chuckle at the dramatic five year old. They look at each other, sharing a smile. She melts at that smile.
It feels comfortable. It feels natural. For the first time in four years, it's okay to breathe and relax around him.
Leo schleps in shortly after and sits on his spot. "Mom" He starts looking at his stepmom with big sad eyes "I don't eat fish. It smells like you're making fish."
"I know" Teddy says smiling at him and kissing the top of his head. She places a chicken cutlet in front of him.
"Why is his different than mine" Allison demands, staring at her dad.
"Because you said you don't eat chicken"
She crosses her arms stubbornly "Because they are animals and they are cute and should not be eaten"
"Fish are animals" Leo says as a matter of factly, taunting his little sister.
Allison furrows her eyebrows and stares at Owen "Dad?"
"Eat your fish, bean" Owen says, stifling a laugh. Teddy smiles at a nickname that stuck all these years. When Allison was the tiniest baby, they would always call her a type of bean. Sometimes they would just call her 'legume'. It became an inside joke that would make them laugh for what seemed like eternity. She still calls Allison 'chickpea' sometimes and she often wondered if Owen still had a nickname for their daughter. It pleases her that the nickname stuck.
"My name is Allison" She says defiantly as she digs into her salmon.
Teddy watches them quietly. A day has not gone by where she doesn't kick herself for not fighting harder. For walking away. She thinks about all the moments she's missed.
"When did she become a teenager" Teddy asks, smirking at Owen.
He just smiles in response.
She wonders how they are on their day to day lives. She daydreams about how it would be if they spent every day together, like a normal family. They're here now. Eating dinner like a normal family. For the first time ever. It feels comfortable. She wonders what he's thinking. How he's feeling. She wants to ask but she never will.
"Allison, do you want to explain to your mom why you refuse to eat animals" Owen offers. Teddy wonders if he feels awkward with the silence filling the dinner table. Or is he just starting a conversation like a normal person. She doesn't need to overthink these things but she can't help it.
"Because they are cute and they're alive. You can't kill them. And they don't even taste good."
"So what's your favorite food" Teddy asks.
"French fries and carrots"
"Okay, we like that balance" Teddy says "Do you drink milk?"
Allison looks at Owen and then at Teddy with her curious eyes "Did anything have to die for the milk?"
"No. They're from cows. Who are alive." Teddy explains.
"Then yes, I will continue drinking milk."
"And cheese?"
"As long as it's not dead"
Owen chuckles.
She wonders what else she missed. She wonders if they still liked the snacks she stocked in her home for the kids. They're growing so fast she wonders if they still liked her or is she becoming a stranger to them.
"So" Leo starts talking and puts down his fork. Teddy thought this might be a serious question if he's putting down his fork, and not just asking nonchalantly. "I was wondering. Mom, if you're our mom, then why don't you live with us?"
"Because they don't have to live together." Allison says. Answering before any adult could come up with a response.
"I know they don't but why"
"Because mom lives in New York and Dad lives in Seattle"
"Okay but why"
"Is Emily going to be our Seattle mom?" Allison asks Owen, cocking her head to the side. Her tone was curious and sincere.
Emily. Teddy doesn't know an Emily. So Owen must be dating. This is the first time she's hearing of this. Not that she and Owen talk about these kinds of things. But she feels a slight twinge of jealousy.
"No" Owen answers too quickly. She notices that he's blushing.
"Miss Pollack is not going to be our mom. Is she?" Leo asks, furrowing his brows at his sister and then looking at Owen for confirmation.
"Okay, first of all you can't call Miss Pollack Emily" Owen says to Allison.
"You call her Emily." Allison says defensively. She then shrugs and goes back to her meal.
"Who's Miss Pollack" Teddy finally finds the voice to ask.
"My teacher" Leo says as he turns to Teddy "She's my teacher but Allison thinks she should be our mom but I said no because you're our mom"
"I'm not dating Leo's teacher" Owen says defending himself.
"I mean… I don't.. care?" But she cares. She cares a lot. She still cares. "But are you seeing anyone?"
"No" Owen says, keeping his eyes on his fish. "You?"
"No."
She doesn't know how much time has passed but she was thinking about Owen moving on. Or at least the possibility of Owen moving on. It's been four years. She's sure he's seen someone. Her thoughts were interrupted when the kids stopped bickering about whether or not Miss Pollack should be their Seattle mom. When she was brought out of her reverie she looks at Owen across from her giving her a soft smile. The kids are preoccupied trading vegetables because Leo doesn't like the broccoli and Allison loves the broccoli so she's trading her roasted carrots for the broccoli.
"Not that one. The other carrot." Leo says reaching for his sister's plate.
"Why not this one"
"Because it touched the fish. I don't like it"
"Okay well I don't want the broccoli that touched the chicken"
They settled on which vegetables to trade and went back to eating their food.
She wonders what Owen is thinking about. She's definitely thinking about how they let this happen. To live apart like this. She's thinking about Miss Pollack and their kids having a Seattle Mom. She's thinking about how she doesn't want the kids to have a Seattle mom. She doesn't want Owen to move on from her. But that's just the jealousy talking. She wants Owen to be happy. And if Miss Pollack makes Owen happy then Owen should date Miss Pollack. So she pushes the thought aside and takes a sip of her wine. It was more of a gulp. Feeling the warmth travel to her belly. She swallows the thought of Miss Pollack along with it.
She knows for sure that she never stopped loving him. One reason why she has not been with anyone else was because she's hoping one day Owen will tell her he still loves her and wants to be with her. Because she's hoping that maybe one day they will have a four-year long overdue talk.
It was not true that he was seeing Leo's teacher. He doesn't even know why Allison would say it out loud or assume anything. Sure there was the incident with the bake sale where Leo's first grade teacher ended up at their house baking cookies with Owen. It was totally platonic. He is very much not into Leo's teacher. But Allison has other thoughts. Very imaginative thoughts.
Owen puts on a movie for the kids while Teddy cleans up. He helps her clear the dishes and he notices that she's deep in thoughts.
"I'm not dating anyone"
"I didn't say anything… plus you're allowed"
"I know. I'm just saying—I'm not participating in any inappropriate relationships. I don't know how Allison developed such an overactive imagination"
"When did she get so sassy" Teddy says chuckling
"I have no idea. She was very cute though. Very fiery"
"She got that from you"
"Nuh-uh that's all you" Owen says laughing.
Teddy smiles at him and sighs. "Do you want to stay? For another drink?"
"I should head back to the hot—"
"Why? There's nothing there, you're just going to do the same thing there. At least here you could spend more time with the kids."
"With you." He says. He doesn't know why he said that. But maybe they should catch up.
"And with me too" Teddy leans against the kitchen counter. He feels her finally starting to relax around him. He watches as she takes a sip of her wine and gives him a soft smile. "We haven't really talked. Not like.. we used to"
"Yeah, it feels strange"
"Doesn't it?" Teddy says
"So how are you? How's—how do you like living here again?"
"It's good. Days go by fast. I can't believe it's been four years. It feels like a time warp sometimes"
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"I have something stronger than beer. I mean—if you want scotch… it's not like you're driving"
"No, beer is good."
"Nonsense" She already has two glasses out and she pours them both a drink. "And the kids? How have they been? Terrorizing you"
"They're good kids. I think they're great. Smart. Too smart sometimes"
"You should stay" Teddy blurts out "Here. I mean, the kids can share a room, you can take Leo's room? He has a real bed, I promise. You'll fit." It must have taken a lot for Teddy to say that. He looks into her eyes. They've always been hypnotic. "I mean. It sounds so lonely. To be in a hotel room when you can be here." He feels her starting to ramble out words, classic Teddy. "And maybe stay for a few days. The kids would love it.. I mean… Maybe we can still be friends and celebrate Christmas together… Obviously if you can stay… you might not be able to but.. I think it would be nice.."
He just watches. Her hands gesticulating animatedly, her eyes too. She realizes that he's just staring at her so she stops. He gives her a smile. And she just looks away.
"I don't know Teddy."
"Okay, yeah. I mean. I just thought I'd ask. It would be nice."
He looks at her. She's staring at her scotch and biting her lip. He knows she wants to say something else. He knows her. Too well.
"What…" He says, gently coaxing her to speak up
"I just… I really miss you, Owen." Those eyes again. Glossy all of a sudden.
"I should go" He answers. He doesn't feel like getting into it now. He doesn't know why he's running away from it. He doesn't know why he said that.
He watches her in front of him, crestfallen. Disappointed.
"You're really never going to forgive me?" She asks. Her eyes glistening. "After all these years…It was that bad? I— was really hoping you'd miss me too, at least."
He doesn't know what to say. He can't let the words out. He wants to say I miss you too. He wants to say I've forgiven you. I love you. But he just stood there staring at her. She just nods her head and takes a sip of her drink.
"Okay well. Sorry for pressuring you to stay. You don't have to. I get it."
"I do — I miss you. I don't know why it's so hard for me to say that out loud."
"It's hard for me too."
"I'll—I'll stay. I can stay. For a few days" There. He said it. It wasn't that hard. He wants to.
He had no regrets giving in. It… it might be nice.
Wow congrats you made it to the end. Okay this is going to be multi-part but not long. It was just too long to be a one-shot lol. Tell me your thoughts! Should I continue? Or should I just have kept it a one-shot LOL.