Invasion
Summary: Col Mustang has pissed off the serpents for the last time!
A/N: Woo! The Roy/Ed OTP Poly event has kicked off and this is my first time being a part of the event! So here, is my prompt for this oneshot!
Property: Dameno
Trope: Crack Fic
Major level: One day the office is infested with snakes. Word count: 425-729
Colonel level: Either Ed or Roy has a phobia of snakes. Word count: 1173-1582
General level: Write the fic from the perspective of one of the snakes. Word count: 1942-2745
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going for General!
Here we go!
ENJOY!
~oOo~
The day is comfortably hot and I appreciate the advantageous weather for our upcoming assault. The humidity, coupled with the morning dew, makes my ebon scales gleam as I travel. I am stealth, a deadly shadow hidden in plain sight. Slithering through the tall grass, I avoid the heavy footsteps stomping along the path. These humans are all the same, gluttonous monsters who consume everything in their path – uncaring of mother nature's demands.
They think they are so high and mighty…well do I have a surprise for them.
I make my way across the flowerbeds and beneath the manicured shrubs until I reach the brick building. There's a crack at the base of the wall big enough for me to squeeze my body through. Another break in the plaster lets me ease up and into the walls. My coils curl and heave and I inch my way up and up and up.
Peeking over the top of the wall, I find myself in a crawl space. My tongue flicks out, tasting the air. A feral grin crosses my features and my eyes dilate to adjust to the gloom. My people have answered my call and I am delighted to see they did so in droves.
I make my way through the nest of my brethren until I reach my second in command.
"Many have come," he says in way of greeting.
I tip my snout in acknowledgement. "Indeed, a pleasssant sssurprissse. Isss the target in posssition?"
He shakes his head. "Not yet – but sssoon. Another human is waiting for him to arrive. He ssshould arrive any minute now."
"Exsssellent."
"Will you ssspeak to the othersss before we begin?" he asks, eyeing the writhing mass of snakes that are speaking quietly to one another.
I taste the air again, scenting their fear and trepidation – it is laced with undercurrents of excitement.
"Yesss, of courssse."
My second hisses at the nest and they still, facing us.
They are a sea of serpents every shade of the rainbow. Copper to vermillion, emerald to gold – there are stripes and spots in every color imaginable. Some are venomous, others are constrictors, other still are relatively harmless – so seeing them here in support warms my blood with pride.
We will overwhelm him with our numbers alone.
I slither up and down the ranks of my soldiers, gauging their convictions for the upcoming battle. Hundreds of us have gathered on this day to avenge the countless compatriots who have fallen due to this vile beast. I, being the largest and most venomous of the bunch, am set to lead the charge.
I flare my hood and rear back onto my coils. I sway gently, drawing a menagerie of eyes in my direction.
"Sssoldiersss! You honor me by anssswering my sssummonsss!" My slitted pupils look upon the crowd. "Thisss human hasss killed too many of our kin! With fire and human weaponsss, he murdersss usss! And for what purpossse? Because we harmlessssly exissst within his visssinity? It's cruel! Barbaric! A crime we will not ssstand for!"
The crowd hisses in acknowledgement.
"He fearsss usss! You can sssee it in his dull monssster eyesss! A few daysss ago he killed my mate asss we traveled through the brusssh – minding our own busssinesss no lesss! It wasss a pointlesss ssslaughter of an innocent! Many of you have ssshared the sssame sssad ssstories and it breaksss my heart...but I assssure you, after today – we will have our vengenssse!"
I bare my fangs – deadly venom drips onto the ground. I turn to face my second, "Ssstatusss?"
He grins. "Sssir, he'sss arrived. He isss ssspeaking to the other male."
"Into formation! We attack on my sssignal!"
The crawl space is full of activity. Snakes of every size and shape hurry into their pre-assigned ranks and final destinations. There are rattle snakes, boa constrictors, coral snakes, pit vipers, and so many more prepare themselves. Some head back down the wall, others travel across the crawl space. My strategy is a simple one – we attack en masse from all directions, swarming our victim with our might. Venomous snakes in the forefront, constrictors in the middle, harmless snakes in the rear to act as support. My scouts noted all the entry points days before and we have made useful the information they have gathered.
We'll show the enemy our serpent's strength and he shall cower before our might!
I make my way over to a particularly large anaconda. She blinks slowly in greeting.
"You underssstand your role in thisss?" I ask.
"Yesss. No need to fear, I am ready."
We butt heads in a show of comradery, and I head towards the foregaurd.
Looking through the hole in the ceiling tile, I gaze upon our prey and the battlefield – noting all the advantageous positions for our attack. He sits smugly behind a large desk, thinking himself king of the world. His elbows rest on the surface, white-gloved fingers folded as he speaks to a blonde-headed male. They're arguing about something, if the tension in their shoulders is anything to go by.
As ambush predators – we are used to waiting for the perfect time to strike. I need him to move in the center of the room before I can issue our charge. The anaconda is waiting above – her nostrils flare in anticipation.
The blonde-male yells something that causes our target to frown and roll his eyes. The former storms off and our target sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Come on...come on!" hisses my second beside me. "Move already you lazy piessse of ssshit."
"Patienssse. We mussst wait for the perfect opportunity or risssk losssing our chanssse at retribution."
My second frowns angrily. He is eager to attack but I cannot have our advantage ruined by an overzealous troop. We only have once chance...we can't miss it.
The door slams below that the reverberation shakes the walls and the crawl space. Many of the more sensitive snakes recoil at the force of it. Our target pulls some stacks of paper towards him, peers at them boredly, then returns them to their piles. He shifts and groans and stares at the wall.
He is infuriating slow. I calm my racing heart and force calming air into my lungs.
Then, he pushes his chair back and moves around his desk. He's getting close – so close.
I raise my tail high so the others can see. "Sssteady - hold...hold..."
The world waits with bated breath then...
"ATTACK!"
...CHAOS!
The anaconda falls from the ceiling and wraps her massive coils around our victim. Loop after loop heaves around him, causing him to fall over with a shriek of unbridled terror. Snakes pour from the walls, the ceiling, the floor with their hissing battle cry! The scene is glorious and I lead the charge, falling from the crawl space, with a triumphant hiss!
Our target is a blubbering mess as he witnesses our savage assault.
"Help! Oh god, someone get your ass in here and help me!"
He's snapping his fingers from between the coils of the serpent holding him and explosions of flame appear in all directions. The scent of charred flesh enters my nostrils as my kin are launched across the room with each snap! I'm slithering as fast as I can, dodging bursts of flame as I go, towards the target when – out of nowhere – a bright light and a wall separates me from my enemy. I hiss and whirl on the newcomer. The blonde male from before has entered the fray, his face is a mask of complete shock.
"Colonel! Who let all these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking office!" he yells.
"Save me, Fullmetal!" cries the monster.
The blonde claps his hands and touches the floor and more walls shoot up from the ground. I bellow above the din, "Right flank, take care of the ssshort one. The ressst more forward!"
Serpents are slithering everywhere and I flare my hood as I make my way over the wall. Parts of the room are on fire, and I watch in revulsion as several of my siblings writhe in their final death throes. So much death…it flares my murderous intent higher!
"Bassstard!"
The blonde male has made a slick-sided pedestal for himself and the right flank is having difficulties reaching him. The door opens again and another human joins the warzone.
"Holy shit! Are those snakes?!" asks a blonde-female, taking in the battleground.
"Riza – less talking, more shooting!" shouts the blonde. "Roy is being squeezed to death by an anaconda and mean-looking cobra is closing in!" He catches a red-tailed boa that dropped from the ceiling and proceeds to bash it against his pedestal.
"Roy is terrified of snakes! We have to hurry!" The sound of gunshots rings loud and my ranks hurry to dodge out of the open. The floor is a wriggling nest of coils, scales, and blood.
"General! He'sss breaking free! I need assssisssstansssse!" calls the anaconda.
"Fuck!" I'm weaving between the walls, dodging bullets, scrambling over the corpses of my comrades as I hurry to reach the enemy. It's a nightmare scene of pandemonium as my serpentine soldiers do what they can to close the distance between themselves, and our foe.
One bite - that's all I need to exact my vengeance! Just one fucking bite!
A ring of fire bursts into life preventing me from getting closer. I watch in horror as the enemy sets the bottom half of the female alight. She hisses, coils loosening in pain. Our target is frantically clawing to free himself.
He's sobbing uncontrollably as he the female, in a last ditch effort, bites into his shoulder to try to hold him.
No...I can't let all this effort go to waste! We can't lose! All these lives lost can't be for nothing!
Not wasting any more time, I bomb-rush the flames separating me from the target. Pain blossoms through me in waves – but I persevere! I rear back on my coils, flaring my hood in menacing display, fangs oozing my deadly concoction.
Our eyes meet.
I see the absolute terror therein and I feast upon his fright.
He cannot escape me.
He knows I have won.
I lunge forward!
~oOo~
"That was...insane. Absolute insanity. Right? I'm not alone in this? That was crazy! We just fought snakes! SNAKES! Hundreds and hundreds of snakes!" Edward peers around the room at a loss for words. There are snakes, everywhere. They hang from the ceiling tiles, are scattered across the floor, the desk, the chairs. Every surface is covered in serpents.
"What...what do we do now?" asks Riza, joining the Fullmetal alchemist in his examination of the, once pristine, office. There are scorch marks from Roy's panicked alchemy, upturned furniture, and blood all over.
"Burn it."
The two turn to stare at the Colonel. Roy is sitting on the floor, head bowed, arms wrapped around his knees. He's trembling; a man who looks like he's gone through hell and back – and is completely traumatized by what he has seen. His eyes are wide and distant, hair a disheveled mess – the bite in his shoulder from the anaconda is still actively bleeding.
"Wanna run that by me again?" asks Ed worriedly.
"I said burn it! Burn the whole goddamn building down!" He is frantic, manic even. "That...that was a coordinated attack if I have ever seen one. The way they moved like a trained unit, it was – horrifying. I'll be having nightmares for the rest of my life. Those bastards almost got me too!" His crazed eyes meet Riza's. "Thanks Hawkeye...for the save. That cobra...it...it...I was a goner."
The three take in the carnage, eyes finding the massive cobra that had nearly bitten the Colonel; its head a mangled chunk of viscera from the well-placed bullet Riza shot.
"Yeah…maybe we should burn it," says Ed. "There's not enough alchemy in the world to clean up this mess."
~oOo~
A/N: You guys – I don't know what the hell I just wrote! But there you have it! HAHAHA!
Thanks for reading!
3FF