prologue
Pam was in her bedroom, a suitcase at her feet. She was haphazardly throwing clothes into it, t-shirts and jeans flying through the air. Then she saw the dress. The purple and blue fabric shining in the moonlight. Pam had not laid eyes on it in weeks. She just looked at it for a moment, let herself relive that fateful night. His hands on her hips, the taste of him on her tongue. She knew she shouldn't take it with her, that it was a relic from another life. Yet, she couldn't leave it behind, let it rot in the closet until Roy had the time to get rid of it. So, she took it off the hanger and placed it atop the mountain of clothes that was growing in the suitcase. "Letting things go takes time." she told herself. Anything to rationalize it.
She booked a one way ticket to Paris. She used the honeymoon savings, it's not like Roy would be needing the money anytime soon.
The hotel wasn't nice, but at that point it didn't matter.
Her body was utterly exhausted from hours of travel and nine years of Roy. She crawled into the hotel's bed, letting the skratchy sheets swallow her whole. She wanted to sleep for a thousand years, let time wash away all the guilt and pain that was swimming in her mind. She had left it all behind, and it was thrilling.
It was her first day in Paris, the first day of the rest of her life, and she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed.
She had dreamed of him again last night, all hands and lips and promises. "I'm in love with you" repeated over and over in her head. She could still picture him clear as day, his lean figure crumbling before her very eyes.
She sighed. It's over now, she knows that. He left, she left. There will be no more pranks, no more jello molds, or late nights on the roof. She is no longer Pam of "Jim and Pam'', she is just Pam. It's time she learned to live for herself.
Chapter one
It has been five years since she left Scranton. She's spent the time traveling around Europe, and trying to let him go.
Pam still sees him in everything. The stained glass windows of the cathedrals radiating the same light he did, the beauty of the city streets reminding her of the sweet, stolen moments in the break room. The sky is the same blue as his shirt, and she hasn't been able to stomach a grilled cheese sandwich in years.
Yet, it's gotten easier. She's learned to ignore the dull ache in her chest when she sees a head of messy brown hair, or a wedding dress boutique.
She's also had other boyfriends. Men who Pam told herself were "nice enough". The routine of shallow, 2 month relationships became second nature to her. Even if none of them ever looked at her like he did, because how could they? He's one of a kind, a once in a lifetime treasure that she'd let stay buried.
The only thing that still felt the same was her art. Pam spent long afternoons sprawled out on park benches. Taking in the aurora of the city, Sketching the people as they passed by. Her hotel rooms were always littered with half filled notebooks and graphite pencil sets.
She's learned to find comfort in the emptiness that he left. Learned that the memories can be enough. That SHE can be enough.
It wasn't a welcome disruption. Sure, she was unhappy, but it was safe. Pam had learned over the past few years that staying in one place for too long leads to heartbreak. She had also learned that without heartbreak, the loneliness threatens to swallow you whole. The pain reminds her that she's human.
She got the call on a Sunday morning. Her sister was getting married, and she wanted Pam to come home and help plan it.
At first her instinct was to say no, that she couldn't go back there, back to him. But, a part of her longed to be home. Amongst the familiar life she left behind on that chilly Spring night. So she said yes, and bought a plane ticket back to Scranton.
Pam couldn't help but notice how much had changed as she packed her bag for the trip home. She had long ago changed out her stuffy collared shirts and pencil skirts for flowy white blouses and baggy levis. Her hair had changed too. The red curls now landed just below her chin, her hair clips had been one of the first pieces of her old life to go. She absent mindedly wondered if he could still pick her out of a crowd, or if he was still searching for the receptionist he once loved.
"Pammy!" was the first thing she heard, her mom's unmistakable voice piercing through the noise of the airport. "I've missed you so much!" her mom told her as she wrapped her arms around her. She smiled, letting herself sink into the embrace. It was nice to be home.
Penny was to blame. She had asked Pam to go to the store, telling her that she couldn't POSSIBLY go herself because "what if the florists call?!". It was a bullshit excuse, but Pam hadn't been out of the house in days, and frankly, she could use a break.
Scranton really hadn't changed all that much since she left. It was the same sweet, sleepy town she had always known. She resented this fact when she found herself walking into a CVS, the same CVS where he had called her a "dork", and bought fabric softener. She tried to tell herself that it was a happy memory, even if she felt tears sting her eyes when she passed the intercom. She longed to be that naive 20 something again. Entangled in a doomed friendship, the truest love she had ever known.
She was trying to calm down in the femine care aisle, (crying in a CVS was not on her to-do list,) when she heard it. His unmistakable laugh. She turned to her right to see Jim wheeling a shopping cart through the baby aisle, a little girl, (who couldn't be more than two years old,) in the kids seat, babbling loudly.
She watched him lift the kid out of her seat and into his arms. The girl started looking around, and then her eyes landed on Pam, who was staring at them in utter shock. The girl started waving at her before loudly saying "HI!"
Jim turned around, curious as to what his daughter was saying hello to. His jaw dropped when he saw her and they just looked at each other for a moment.
He was more muscular than she remembered, his biceps visible under his worn t-shirt. He had also gotten a haircut. "probably to look more professional," she thought. But by far the biggest change was the squirming toddler in his arms. The girl had warm, brown skin and dark hair that was pulled back into two neat pigtails. She was wearing soft, cotton shorts and a t-shirt that read "my daddys a hero!" in big pink letters. She was adorable, and the sight of her made Pam forget how to breathe for a moment.
After what felt like an eternity of just standing there, Jim finally said, "Pam?" She couldn't take her eyes off the girl in his arms, who was now trying to force herself out of his embrace.
"Yah," she said with a slight smile, even after all these years he still had an effect on her. "Thats me".
He laughed a little, half disbelief, half pure joy. "Wow, I can't believe it's you!" he said "I haven't seen you since…" his voice tapered off, but she knew what he was going to say. The last time they had seen each other he held her close, had bore his soul to her. The last time they had seen each other, she had ruined everything.
The kid was still wiggling in his arms, except now she was whining to be put down. Jim set her down and she immediately buried her face in his leg. "Pam," he said "this is Julia".
"Hi Julia." Pam said, trying to keep her voice from breaking.
Jim smiled at her, and her heart skipped a beat. "So, a lot has changed for you." she said with a laugh.
"Yah," Jim said "she was the greatest surprise of our lives".
"Ours?'' she asked, hoping that he will tell her that, no, he's not married. That Julia was a fluke, the miraculous product of a previous relationship.
But instead Jim smiled again and told her "My wife and I, we were just barely engaged when we found out".
Of course he was married, she had been foolish to think otherwise. She imagined him going home to a beautiful woman, a woman who could give him everything she couldn't. She wanted to start crying, but instead she said "Isn't that how it always goes, though? Good things coming when you least expect it".
He nodded, and looked her in the eye. She suddenly felt so exposed, like he was reading her mind.
"Yah, that is how it goes." he said, finally breaking eye contact. "Well, we should probably get going. It's almost this little one's dinner time". He scooped Julia up in his arms and looked at her for a final time "It was nice seeing you, Pam".
She hadn't heard him say her name in five years, and in that moment she wondered how she had survived for that long without it. She watched him carry Julia over to the cart and walk away. Just as Pam was about to leave she saw him turning around. He began rummaging around in his pocket.
"Let me give you my number," he said, slightly fumbling over his words. "so we can meet for lunch or something, catch up".
Pam couldn't believe what she was hearing, but she wasn't about to fuck it up.
"Yah! Here…" she rooted around in her purse, trying to not completely embarrass herself.
His number was the same, a fact that hurt her more than she expected. He had been one call away all this time, she just hadn't had the courage to dial.
She watched him put her number in. "Pam Beesly" once a contact again on his phone. As it should be.