It cames out of nowhere, nobody knew what had triggered this decision but it had caused a lot of damage in the hero society for weeks.
Hawks was finally accepted by the league. He had learned to know each member individually, to analyse them and report them to the commission.
It happened three weeks after his first meeting with the leader of the LoV, Shigaraki. It was supposed to be a day like any others but it started very badly. He woke up later than he supposed to and instantly this useless information was somehow directly send to the commission people.
The tiny little mistake he made had his morning training to be extended. It was already tiring normally, but that day his handlers had surpassed themselves to exhaust him.
Later that day, his whole body was sore. He should have been used to it but as time was passing, his training had become more and more difficult even for him. He had some rest when he went to his agency for some hero paperwork. Hawks never had thought in the twenty and so years that he could be so grateful to have a mountain of paperwork in his office. But the fact was that, Hawks had wonderful sidekick who would do anything to remove some weight from his shoulders and coincidentally they were being more attentive than any other day and they saw their boss extra tired that day so they sent him on patrol in one of the most peaceful part of his territory.
Walking had, his feet, hurt even more but it was better than sitting all day on his stinging butt, the only thing that bothered him was the horde of civilians surrounding him, all talking at the same time.
They were making too much noises. Hawks head was already hurting him enough and all the hands. They keep touching his wings, his body, everywhere. It made him feel something uncomfortable inside, feel disgusted by the touch, by himself. It made him want to tear his skin where the hands have touched or just pull their arm off to throw them as far as possible from him
Hawks, for the first time in a long time, began to panic. He wanted everything to stop, for the people to back off and stop making so much noises that hurt his ears so badly and the light was so intense that it burned his eyes. So he did the only thing he could think of. He flew as far as possible, as fast as he can. He didn't know where he could go. He only know three places. The commission building was a big fat no, he didn't want to explain his behavior to his underling and his home was watched by cameras from every corner so that too was a no go too.
As he was flying through the clouds he felt a vibration from his phone. For a moment it made his body tense before he saw who was sending it. Hawks didn't understand why but seeing Dabi's name popping on the screen always made him calm and happy and he didn't want to understand. It was something he was afraid to admit, something he wasn't ready to touch yet so he put this information in the back of his mind.
He was called to the LoV hideout. It took less than ten minutes to be there as he was already near the villain's lair. Surprisingly, it was Shigaraki who was waiting for him, looking more grumpy than he ever seen him and shivering his whole body.
Hawks followed the man without saying anything, knowing that the man wasn't a person of words but still made a head sign to him which was returned.
When he entered in the main room, the other members were already waiting for him to start the meeting. He didn't remember anything but they were saying something about Yakuza and mask. Toga, seeing that Hawks was close to drop on the floor and sleep like a dead, demanded a cuddle pile. And that's how he ended up having his existential crisis in the middle of the worst villain in Japan with only his brain functioning correctly.
It was ironic how the people everyone were afraid of for their cruelty were the only who seemed to care for him, not the hero commission, not his coworkers and not even the other heroes, villains fucking villains.
At this moment Hawks felt more sick and tired of everything than ever. He was worn out after spending his whole day being pushed from everywhere. He wondered if it would like that his whole life and he felt himself drown in fear.
He didn't wanted to go through the hard but necessary trainings every day of his life. He didn't wanted to live in fear of people and still be surrounded by them and he definitely didn't wanted to go through pain renforcement training that was more a torture than anything. He didn't like the idea feeling his bones break again and again and be repaired to break again. It scared him how the futur he was afraid of was happening.
For more than a hour he stayed there thinking and thinking and until he finally snap and it came out.
«I quit»
Hawks voice resonated in the silence and several head turned to him, curiosity showing in their eyes.
«What?».
Twice voice was raspy and looked like he just woke up.
«I quit being a hero», now they seemed more than surprised and even shocked, «I quit being a double agent, I quit working and fighting and meeting people. I will no longer let people have their ways to my body or to my mind. I will retaliate even if they are a civilian or heck even if they were a defenseless granny. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of everything. I'm going to do things by my way and nobody can stop me now»
His friends (family?) faces went from surprise to proud as if they were waiting for this moment.
«nobody is going to stop you birdbrain. Do whatever the fuck you want. This is the league of villain hideout not the league of villain with a stick in their asses also old hag are fucking crazy, defenseless my ass.»
Hawks smiled a bit. He didn't expect full support but he also didn't expect bad reaction from them. It was as if he trusted them fully and it was a great feeling but wait-
«you are ok with me being a double agent?», Dabi looked like he was saying "are you kidding us?" And it clicked in his head, «you knew?! You knew and you still accepted me ?»
Shigaraki just shrugged the whole thing like it was nothing.
«we saw someone like us, a victim of society, waiting to be saved and I guess since we weren't saved when we needed the most we kinda projected ourselves in you and just decided to at least try to do something for you I guess? I mean our goal was to save people from the corrupted society so..»
Shigaraki looked more embarrassed than ever. His skin was red behind the hand on his face and looked like talking was breathtaking.
Something felt warm in his heart and he sincerely smiled for the first time since the death of his past lover Touya.