A/N: Please DO NOT READ THIS if you do not like satire about religion. This is NOT politically correct humor and is totally absurd throughout. I am only showing short snippets from major religions for comedy fodder, but there's a difference between doing it for sport and doing it to be mean-spirited. I consider myself somewhat religious, but I am NOT trying to be mean-spirited in writing this. I respect religion as a fabric of society and am only writing this because I was inspired by a prompt I was given in this competition. Don't be offended if anything in this fanfic that makes you cringe. If you are offended, well…you can't say I didn't warn you. Also, I'm still working on a sequel to Hermione's Invitation, but I've just been busy lately. Stay tuned!
Title: Dumbledore's Revelation
Team: Tutshill Tornados
Position: Chaser 1
Reserve: no
Optional Prompts: Chair, Why did that have to be from you?, and Hogwarts Library
Trigger Warning: This is religious satire. Do not read if you will take offense to jokes about religion of pretty much any type.
The following is an excerpt from the Half-Blood Prince. I do not own Harry Potter:
"I implore you," said Dumbledore, "should you notice anything strange or suspicious within or outside the castle, to report it to a member of staff immediately. I trust you to conduct yourselves, always, with the utmost regard for your own and others' safety."
Dumbledore's blue eyes swept over the students before he smiled once more.
(Now the story)
"Surprising as you may find these words, I must confess that I have not been completely honest with you about my affairs as of late," continued Dumbledore. Many students who were barely paying attention suddenly perked up. A few students were whispering crude jokes to one another about what he might mean by that.
"I have done some soul searching recently, believe it or not, and feel as though I have come into contact with a higher power," said Dumbledore. A few of the faculty's heads turned in his direction now. "I have decided that we need to expand our curriculum here at Hogwarts. It's about time we taught something about religion."
"Oh, bloody hell," whispered Ron. "Just what we need: more classes."
"Ron!" whispered Hermione. "Shush!"
"Therefore," said Dumbledore, noticing the increase in whispering. "Therefore, we will be having extracurricular activities for students wishing to learn about the various religions of the world around us. They will not be required, but I believe that they are imperative. As witches and wizards, we must learn to co-exist with Muggles, and religion can be a great point of commonality between Muggledom and Wizardom. We all eventually have to do a little soul-searching ourselves, yes?"
"Yes!" said Neville Longbottom, seemingly out of nowhere. A few people snickered.
"So!" said Dumbledore, smiling at Neville's enthusiasm from afar, "Before we dismiss for the evening, I will go ahead and tell you about the schedule for the meetings, and will have them posted in your common rooms. That way there will be no confusion as to who is meeting and where."
Dumbledore pulled out a slip of parchment and peered at it with his half-moon spectacles.
"Ahh, yes, so we will start alphabetically," said Dumbledore. "Tomorrow evening, Buddhism will have their club meeting at 7 pm. Tuesday evening will be Christianity. Wednesday will be Daoism. Thursday will be Hindusim. Friday will be Sunni Islam, and my apologies, but unfortunately, we were not able to find an instructor who could teach about the Twelver Shiites, but we will work on that. Saturday will be Judaism, and Sunday will be Sikhism. Hopefully, you won't be sick of it all by the time we get to Sikhism."
Dumbledore waited a few moments for any sign of laughter, but when none came, he continued, clearing his throat.
"All meetings should be at 7 pm. If there is a scheduling conflict, you can go to the instructor or come to me for further inquiry. Also, if there are any religions that I have not mentioned that you would like to see, such as Jainism or Satanism, please come see me or send an owl to my mailbox. That will be all. Pip pip!"
A murmur of confusion and the sounds of deafening scrapes on the floor from the benches echoed throughout the Great Hall as many students had trouble taking seriously the idea that Dumbledore must've had some religious encounter over the summer holidays. Several of the faculty had gone up to Dumbledore after he had dismissed the crowds and seemed to be asking questions and arguing with him in a frenzy. Harry, however, was surprisingly intrigued with the situation, thinking perhaps that there was some sort of clue to Voldemort's past hidden in these classes that Dumbledore expected him to discover. Therefore, when Neville asked Harry later that night if he'd be trying any of the religious-club activities, Harry said "yes, all of them actually," much to the shock of Ron and Hermione, who were too busy with prefect duties and not interested enough to partake with Harry.
"Great!" said Neville. "We can meet up in the Great Hall before each session!"
"Yeah—great, Neville," said Harry hesitantly.
Monday
The next day came, and sure enough, it was uneventful. 7pm arrived, and Harry decided he would meet up with Neville before going to the first lesson on Buddhism.
"Ready Harry?" came a voice from behind Harry while he was still eating bangers and mash with Ron in the Great Hall. Harry turned around to see Neville Longbottom wearing orange Theravada Buddhist robes. Lots of people were staring at Neville and whispering to each other.
"Why did that have to be from you?" groaned Harry to himself. Ron looked as though he was trying to keep a straight face. When Harry and Neville were leaving, Ron let out a snicker that Neville couldn't help but hear.
"Hey, don't laugh!" said Neville, turning back around to face Ron. "There are millions of people who dress like this every day!" Ron could see stray, long hairs from Neville's armpit where his shoulder was exposed when he turned around.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," said Ron, wiping a tear from his eye. "It's just—it's just you, Neville. It's hard to explain."
"Yeah, whatever. Come on, Harry. We don't want Ron spoiling our fun," said Neville.
"Toodeloo!" said Ron, waving his hand up and down as Harry and Neville departed. Harry was starting to regret this decision now as he made his way to the dungeons. Neville was way too enthusiastic about this.
"Wait—why are we going down into the—?" began Harry. Then the thought occurred to him.
"Oh noooo—" murmured Harry to himself. Sure enough, he opened the door to Snape's classroom and there he was:
Severus Snape had his greasy black hair tied up in a ponytail and was sitting on a mat meditating. He too was wearing orange Theravada robes like a toga and was barefoot. The sight of Snape's bare feet made Harry wish he hadn't eaten dinner.
"Potter—" said Snape in his usual drone. "Suffice it to say you will not last long in this session. It takes much discipline to be a true disciple of the Buddha—"
"You're a Buddhist?" said Harry incredulously.
"Put it this way," said Snape. "I'm not ignorant of their ways. Now take a seat!" he finished impatiently.
"We don't get chairs?" said Harry irreverently, who noticed the conspicuous absence of chairs in the classroom.
"Silence!" said Snape again, "before I turn you into a Preta and make you eat feces!"
Harry looked miffed, but he and Neville took their seats on mats and began assuming the same posture as the other students. Apparently, Harry didn't get the memo. He was the only one still dressed in his Hogwarts robes while everyone else was wearing orange robes.
"Focus your mind—" began Snape. "On the Eightfold Path. Focus on your breathing. Focus on your conduct. Focus on your words. Focus on your life." With each command, Snape's voice became slower and slower with each word. Harry closed his eyes and tried to focus on his diaphragm and his breathing. However, his concentration was broken after several minutes.
Anthony Goldstein began snoring in the corner of the classroom. Harry noticed this but everyone else seemed to be focused, so he closed his eyes and pretended not to notice. However, the snoring became slower and louder, so it became increasingly difficult to ignore it. Pretty soon, Ernie Davis started snoring softly too. Harry couldn't help himself as he tried to ignore these outside influences, but before long Snape interjected.
"You are all too weak to understand mediation! Foolish Westerners—get—out!" said Snape as the students left the room in a hurry.
Tuesday
"Ready, Harry?" said Neville. Harry turned around to see Neville wearing a three-piece suit and holding a pocket-sized Bible in his hand.
"Is this going to be a normal thing, Neville? You always coming to my table and asking me if I'm ready?" asked Harry.
"Yeah, I guess," said Neville nonchalantly. "C'mon let's go. I think being late to Church is a sin."
"Oh, all right," said Harry. They left to go to Ravenclaw Tower where Professor Flitwick was preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
"Therefore…it's important that you believe that Jesus is the Messiah!" finished Professor Flitwick in his high-pitched, squeaky voice. "And if you don't, you will go to HELL!"
"Excuse me professor…" began Luna Lovegood innocently. "What is this—Hell—you keep speaking of? And how is this Jesus born from a virgin? I don't know any potion or spell that can make children without copulation." There was an awkward silence in the classroom after this statement.
"Oh, Merlin," said Flitwick, exasperated. "Just listen to whatever your pastor tells you."
"Professor?" said Dean Thomas, who accidentally showed up to the lesson in a tuxedo instead of a three-piece suit. "I once heard that people in the Old Testament had multiple wives. That sounds kind of awesome—"
"Shush!" said Professor Flitwick. "That's not important!"
"And is it true that some Catholics like to touch little boys?" said a first-year student.
"No! Well…only a few of them…" said Flitwick.
"And what about the KKK?" asked a nervous Hufflepuff.
At the mention of the KKK, Harry and Neville looked at each other and decided this Q&A session would go on all night. They decided to duck out while everyone was distracted with questions.
"and that, Neville, is why it's good to sit in the back of the classroom," said Harry, patting a sheepish Neville on the back.
Wednesday
"Ready, Harry?" said a familiar voice. Harry turned around to see Neville wearing a red silk garment with all kinds of yellow patterns stitched on it and a hunyuan hat. He also had conjured up a Fu Manchu moustache for good luck.
"That looks like something you'd wear when you get out of the bathtub," said Ron commenting on Neville's red robe. Hermione was with him and elbowed him in the ribs for saying that.
"I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear you say that," said Neville. He bowed his head and turned to walk away. "Come, Harry, let's leave this nonbeliever to his crumpets." Harry got up and went to the classroom. This time it was Professor Trelawney, who was apparently teaching about Daoism. Again, they took their seats on the floor. Harry's ankles were beginning to hurt from sitting like this.
"Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly," began Trelawney. Neville and Harry turned to each other; their eyebrows raised. "Fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was myself. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a woman dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a woman."
"Umm…professor?" interrupted Lavender Brown. "Is it true that Nicolas Flamel was a Daoist?"
Trelawney moaned an ethereal moan in a sing-song way. "We are all Daoists, my dear Lavender. All who can think spontaneously and possess emotional and spiritual energy are Daoists."
"What about turning things into gold?" asked Dean Thomas, who this time was just wearing his normal Hogwarts robes.
Professor Trelawney still had her eyes closed. "If you try to change it, you will ruin it. Try to hold it, and you will lose it," she said.
"What?" said Dean confused.
"To be frugal is to return before straying," said Trelawney.
"I still don't get it, professor," said Dean.
Trelawney sighed loudly. "Oh dear, dear, dear. Few things under heaven are as instructive as the lessons of silence, my boy."
Harry and Neville looked at each other.
"Er—let's go," said Neville, who almost tripped on his silk robes standing up.
The last thing they heard before quietly shutting the door behind them was Trelawney again:
"The important thing, my dears, is to just not even try at anything. Just let it all happen."
Thursday
"Ready, Harry?" asked a familiar voice.
"If there are no chairs in the classroom, I don't want to go." said Harry, not even looking up from his plate.
"Oh, c'mon. Don't be like that," said Neville. "Besides, we'll be meditating again, and this time, the posture is a little different."
"Ooo—how exciting," said Harry sarcastically.
"You're just being a party pooper," said Neville.
"Hinduism is too complicated for me," said Harry matter-of-factly. "I'm sitting this one out. Too much reading from the Vedas and Mahabharata and stuff like that."
"Okay, then," said Neville. "Suit yourself."
Neville sighed as he left, not realizing that the service would be conducted in Sanskrit and that he would have no idea what was going on the entire time.
Friday
"Harry, Harry!" said Neville, approaching Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "Are you ready?!"
"I don't know…" Harry began. "I'm starting to get tired of this—"
"But, Harry! Dumbledore is teaching this one!"
"What?!" exclaimed Harry. This, he had to see. Maybe there was a clue about Voldemort somewhere in the lesson for him. "Okay, let's go."
They went to the Room of Requirement and the door was already open for those people who couldn't find the Room.
They walked inside to find Dumbledore had shaved his moustache and was no longer wearing his half-moon spectacles. Also, he was wearing a black kufi and thobe.
"Takbir!" yelled Dumbledore, raising his fists in the air as Harry and Neville took seats nervously in the back of the room.
"Allaaaahuuu Akbar!" yelled the students back to him enthusiastically.
"Takbir!" yelled Dumbledore.
"Allahuuuu Akbar!" yelled the students.
"Alhamdulilah" said Dumbledore calmly. "Assalamu Alaikom. You know what the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wasallam, said about why you should snort water in and out of your noses three times, yes? Because al-Shaitan sleeps in your noses!"
Harry looked at Neville. "uhh…"
"Also! When you pray to Allah, the most merciful and compassionate," continued Dumbledore, "you must be vigilant because during the Adhan, Satan farts and runs around the mosque and will prevent you from focusing on your prayers. Watch, therefore, and be diligent. But if you fart, that will hinder your prayer. And when you do go #2, make sure you do not use toilet paper, but instead use an odd number of pebbles. Allahu akbar, Allahu akbar, Allahu akbar…."
Harry was becoming discouraged by this point. There were no clues in these meetings as to what Voldemort's past was like. Maybe Dumbledore really did have a religious encounter with a higher power this summer? When everyone had turned to perform the Isha and was bowing down, Harry and Neville again decided to leave before anyone could notice.
Saturday
"Ready, Harry?" said a familiar voice.
Harry turned around to look at Neville. "Hey, why aren't you wearing traditional Hasidic Jewish clothing?"
"Oh, that's only for the orthodox," said Neville. "If you're pretty much anything else, you can dress normally."
"Oh," said Harry.
"Besides, I heard the meeting is only like 15 minutes long," said Neville, shrugging his shoulders.
Perhaps because it was Saturday night or perhaps because some of the students were getting tired of the activities or because it was Judaism (and Dumbledore, alhamdulilah, had preached an antisemitic sermon last night), there were only a handful of people at this particular meeting, which happened to be taught by Professor McGonagall.
"Oy vey!" said McGonagall sadly. "There's almost nobody here. I knew we shouldn't have done this on a Saturday, it being the Sabbat."
"Oi, don't worry, Professor," said Seamus Finnigan. "None of us here are Jewish. The only one is Anthony Goldstein and he's not even here. Guess he already knows it all."
"Well…any questions?" asked Professor McGonagall. "It looks like we might not have enough people to continue these meetings but I will take questions."
There was silence for a moment.
"Is it true that the Warner brothers were Jewish?" asked Harry.
"Yes, Potter," said McGonagall. "But only ethnically, not religiously."
"How can you ethnically be a religion?" asked Harry.
"Well…I know it doesn't make sense, but…well with the Jews…It's complicated," said McGonagall sighing. "Just don't worry about it for now."
"How come the Jews don't sacrifice animals anymore?" asked Luna Lovegood.
"That's—complicated too. It has to do with the Temple Mount—"
"What?"
"Oh, nevermind—" said McGonagall with a huff.
Sunday
"Ready, Harry?" said Neville, wearing a three-piece suit with a turban.
"No," said Harry. "Why aren't you carrying your books with you?"
"Oh, we just put the Guru Granth Sahib on a throne and bow to it because we think the book is alive."
"We?" said Harry. "So you're a Sikh now?"
"Well…I'm thinking about it," said Neville.
"Really?" asked Harry. "What's the God that Sikhs worship?"
"Er—I don't really know his name actually. He has a lot of titles like king and formless and giver, but I don't know his proper name."
"Hmm—okay then," said Harry. "Well, that does it."
"What?"
"I'm sick of religion," said Harry. "They're all stupid."
"But, Harry!" began Neville, but it was too late. Harry stormed out of the Great Hall before he could go to the Sikh lesson with Neville and found solace in the Hogwarts Library. Thankfully, Ron and Hermione were there. They were playing chess instead of studying on Sunday morning.
"God, am I glad to see you guys," said Harry, exasperated.
"How's it been?" asked Hermione inquisitively.
"Terrible," said Harry. "I'm just going to sort it all out between me and God or me and Krishna or me and the universe or me and whoever it is later. I've got too much else to worry about right now."
"Yeah, but, there's only one problem," said Ron who looked deep in thought as he contemplated his next chess move. "What happens when you die?"