Rift Apart!
Ratchet, Clank, Qwark, and Talwyn were sitting in the middle of the living room together on the floor.
"Oh boy wally kazam!" Ratchet said, then looked at the nonexistent audience watching the nonexistent tv. "See what I did there?"
"Rift Apart is releasing today and it's very exciting!" Clank cheered, forgetting momentarily that he didn't use contractions. It was okay though, as most fanfics forgot it anyway.
Qwark rolled his eyes. "Yeah I know bitch that's why we're down here, waiting for the Rift Apart package to arrive." Qwark as usual was a jackass.
Talwyn looked at the clock, "Oh my fucking god how long does it take a package to arrive we've been waiting like 11 days down here."
"Oh calm down Tal it's fine, it'll be here soon." Ratchet said.
"I'm fucking hungry Ratchet."
They all sat in the room staring at each other for a while longer, talking about inconsequential things like the weather, silly childhood memories, if the games were stale now, if David Bergeau was ever coming back, if Insomniac forgot about Angela completely yet, why Ratchet's stripe pattern keeps changing, when the hell they were gonna finish the Lombax plot, and their favorite colors.
Until finally, finally! They heard a ring on the doorbell. And all at once they got up and crowded to the front door, desperate to see the new package first. On their way there (which was like 5 feet) they toppled over each other to get a good spot. Qwark body slammed Talwyn and probably broke her neck, but we won't talk about that right now. Ratchet pushed Clank out of the way despite them being best friends, but the Rift Apart package was more important.
The door opened and there stood a poor hapless delivery worker who's appearance will remain undescribed because i'm lazy.
"Here you go peoples!" He said nervously to the peoples who were practically drooling over a stupid box. Ratchet reached to grab it but Qwark, being an asshole, did instead and pulled it away with glee, while Ratchet quietly planned his scheme to kill him later.
The delivery driver tipped his hat that he now had and tried have them sign a paper, but his hand was crushed in the door when they slammed it shut. That's right, they don't care about your fucking money, Amazon.
The moment had arrived. The box practically glowed with holy light bestowed by the god himself, Ted Price. They were like, super excited to open it.
"Oh my gosh I'm like, super excited to open it." Talwyn said super excitedly.
They all huddled around it with the razor and the scissors. But suddenly the box began to shake! and shimmy! and do a little dance! Well, actually, it just shook, but we're gonna say it danced for a little added flare.
Qwark began to poke it. "Oh! maybe it's a puppy!"
"Maybe it's your mom." Ratchet said deadpanned with a glare. Qwark sobbed in the corner for a few minutes. Then they decided to get their braves up and open the package.
Carefully, they slid the razor across and prepared the scissors. Before a whole ass person burst out of it!
Ratchet, Talwyn, and Clank looked shocked. Qwark screamed like a little girl and scooted away. "Ah! Package demon! Kill it with fire!" He shouted while grabbing the Pyrociter (the original one not the fakey fake one from 2016).
On the floor landed said person. But it was not a package demon like Qwark had said! Instead, it was furry bait material, AKA another lombax!
"Oh my globs!" Ratchet exclaimed, falling on the floor with stars in his eyes. "It's another lombax! And she is hot as I have been informed!"
While Ratchet was foaming at the mouth and Talwyn was looking super jealous, Clank face palmed and went over to say hi.
The new lombax had landed in a pefect 3-point-landing because she's awesome that way, and she was all white/blue/purple and shit, depending on what the lighting was. Clank waved and said "Hello!"
Then she burst forward and got right in his face, screaming "YOW! a whole year in an Amazon package can give you such a crick in the neck!"
"I understood that reference." Ratchet said now that he was done with his freak out.
Clank shook his head in bewilderment. "Who are you?"
The lombax puffed her chest out proudly, "My name is Who! Just kidding, it's Rivet, you can check the wiki to verify!"
Ratchet pointed to her, "Oh yeah! The wiki that is totally never wrong or inaccurate in any way!" He said with complete seriousness.
"Exactly!" Rivet winked.
"But like who are you and what were you doing in that box? Also how did you survive?" Talwyn asked, the first competent question this entire time.
"Okay so, I'm Rivet like I said! I'm basically a girl Ratchet from the other dimension but in a vague way so it's ambiguous and the shippers won't feel weird about pairing me and Ratchet together!"
"You and WHAT-" Talwyn screamed but Rivet cut her off.
"Also I have a hammer instead of a wrench so that makes me a totally different character! and as for the surviving part," She did a little twisty dance and used her hammer like a baton. "Ploot Armooor!" She said in a sing songy voice.
By now Qwark had gotten over his irrational fear of the new girl, and went to poking her instead. "Wow, Pretty lady." Qwark played with her giant poofy raccoon tail and Rivet didn't even get creeped out by it.
"So you're me but not me from a different dimension? So why were you in that box?" Ratchet asked.
"Because I come with the game!" Rivet exclaimed excitedly. "I'm a main character next to you!" Rivet seemed happy as she jumped up and down.
"Wow, that's awesome- Waaait who said you could take my spotlight?" Ratchet said.
"It's RATCHET and Clank, not RIVET and Clank." Clank looked at the same nonexistent audience Ratchet had. "Right Insomniac? hehehehehe."
It was now the first 4 had realized they'd forgotten to get their new killer game out of the box Rivet had likely shat in!
Once again they all dove for it and clammered around to get it, in which Rivet daintily reached down and plucked it herself.
"This what you guys are looking for?" Suddenly an evil laugh passed by as a clawed hand grabbed the game case from her!
"Mwahaha! Finally! Rift Apart is mine!" Dr. Nefarious screamed. Next to him was his butler, the ever underrated Lawrence.
"sarcastic quip." He said brilliantly.
The two were in a giant mech shaped like Nefarious' head, that was somehow able to fit inside Ratchet and Clank's apartment.
"Oh no! Nefarious! He's gonna steal Rift Apart and destroy it!" Talwyn cried.
"WHAT?" Nefarious screamed again. "I'm all for destroying things for da lulz, but I'm on a mission to play this game first!"
"NEFARIOUS!- Wait what?" Ratchet asked.
"That's right! I'm going to beat you aaalll to playing this amazing game! Hahaha!" Nefarious screamed.
"Uhh Nefarious, you do realize the game released digitally yesterday right?" Ratchet asked.
"What-"
"People have already been playing since then." Clank added.
"I. I." Nefarious screamed. "LAAAAWREEEENCE!1!1!" Nefarious screamed.
"Whoopsy sir I guess I got the dates mixed up." Lawrence said as he held up a bag of dates and a laugh track played.
"Lawrence you fucking idiot!" Nefarious screamed and slapped Lawrence angrily for about 5 minutes.
"Well what's the point now! What am I supposed to do with my Friday?" Nefarious screamed.
"Well, you could just play the game with us if you want." Talwyn suggested.
"But then it won't be sexy and evil anymore!" Nefarious screamed.
"Oh doctor, sexy and evil is overrated, being a vegetable and playing a video game for 10 hours for no good reason is in!" Qwark said.
Nefarious thought for about 3.5 seconds, then screamed "Yeah ok"
So they got the game and took the plastic off. Then came the wonderful moment they'd all been waiting for. With held breathe they slowly popped the box open, and inside was exactly what they'd been hoping for!
A salami sandwhich! And on the other side, THE RIFT APART DISC!
Qwark ate the salami sandwhich which was probably disgusting and old, but it was okay because he was disgusting and old, while Ratchet and Clank figured out what to do with the disc.
"Where are we going to put it in to play it?" Clank asked. "Maybe the disc will fit in that router over there."
"Clank that's the PS5." Ratchet said.
"That will do!" Clank said as he slid the disc in the slot and the ugly ass console came on. When it did it had to update because it's 2021 and that's still a thing apparently. So while they waited for it to work they chatted among(us)st each other.
"So Rivet, are you excited about being a new character in the series?" Talwyn asked.
Rivet nodded "Yeah I am! I can't wait for fans to see my super unique 'impulsive but heroic' personality that no other female character has ever had before!"
"But Rivet," Ratchet said, "Aren't you a little nervous that Insomniac will forget you in the future? After all, if your name isn't Ratchet, Clank, Qwark, or Nefarious, they don't care about you."
"Represent." Talwyn added.
"Oh don't worry!" Rivet laughed, "The fans have already done way worse to me than that!" She looked a bit concerned for a second. "Though I guess it would be kind of sad to just be left behind."
Lawrence leaned over, "Don't worry Rivet, when they inevitably forget about your existence, you can join me in my parlor where we'll play bass till the cows come home." The butler robot held away manly butler tears as he offered.
"Thanks Lawrence that sounds like fun!"
As they were waiting for the console to update, Cronk and Zephyr's ghosts appeared in the middle of the living room.
"AH! GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO PUNCH THAT KID FOR THAT BIG GULP, I JUST WANTED IT REALLY BAD!" Qwark cried and groveled.
Everyone looked at Qwark like he was a crazy person, then Talwyn got up to hug her two grandpas before falling flat on her face because they were ghosts.
"Cronk! Zephyr! You came back! Are you gonna stay?"
"Not for long sweetie, we're still hella mega dead!" Zephyr said with a ghostly sound.
"Well are you still gonna stay with us to play Rift Apart?"
"You bet!" Cronk said.
So together they all sat down in front of the tv and waited for the update to install.
"Who has the popcorn?" Nefarious screamed.
"Why would you need popcorn if you can't eat it?" Ratchet asked. Nefarious screamed and sobbed.
"I CAN PRETEND CAN'T I?"
"I can't wait to see myself in the game!" Rivet said.
"I can't wait to be the main villain again!" Nefarious screamed.
"And I can't wait to have an inevitable cross dressing moment again!" Qwark said with an uncomfortably allured look on his face.
All their excitement was for nought however, when suddenly the update ended and the game DIDN'T play!
Everyone cried out, and Ratchet punted Clank across the room he was so mad.
"Goddammit! I knew we shouldn't have gotten a fucking launch version!"
Cronk and Zephyr ghosts hugged each other, Qwark cried big and loud and everyone got upset at the error on the screen. It seemed like they wouldn't be able to play their precious new game!
Until... the sky parted open! And a blinding light came down around them! And then in that moment... descending from the heavens, sailed down the god himself, Ted Price!
"Hello My Children."
Everyone gasped. "Ted Price?" Clank asked.
"Yes, It Is I, CEO Of Insomniac Games And God Of The Ratchet & Clank Universe, And I Am Here To Help You."
"Help us? How?" Talwyn asked.
Ted Price did not say anything, instead He simply lifted his hand, and out came a burst of electricity. It shocked the PS5 and it began working again! The game started!
Everyone cheered in joy, "Thank you Mister Ted Price! You're a life saver!" Qwark thanked.
Ted Price winked. "No, Thank You Qwark," He looked at the nonexistent audience, "-And All Of You For Continuing To Play All Our Games. I Must Go Now, My Planet Needs Me."
"Heh Heh, I understood that reference." Ratchet said as he nudged Clank. Clank was sick of his shit.
Before Ted Price could ascend back into the heavens however, some of the others rushed over to him.
"Wait! Ted Price! Will I be in the game?" Talwyn asked.
"Will we get mentioned?" Cronk and Zephyr ghosts asked.
"Will I get a role beyond the bad guy?" Nefarious screamed and asked.
Ted Price stared at them with blank eyes.
"Uhhhhhh"
Ted Price disappeared before them.
But it was alright, so long as they got to finally, finally play their game! So again they all huddled around, passed around the popcorn, with Nefarious smashing it in his face and pretending he could still eat, while the start menu came on screen.
"This is so exciting!" Ratchet said as he held Clank close to him. Clank briefly forgot he was sick of Ratchet's shit.
It was the small group here to play the game, as well as every other character in the series who had suddenly appeared behind them. Literally all of them, I'm not going to name them, just pretend your favorite is here.
"Well Ribbit, are you ready to finally be apart of our Playstation family? Qwark asked.
"Yes I am!" Ribbit said.
"Then let us start the game!" Clank said as he pressed the X button.
And so it began, they all sat quiet to watch and play the newest entry in the series.
Ratchet & Clank: Ripped A Fart
"Oh Hey!" Said the Plumber. "Bet you didn't expect to find me down here!" He said in a completely black space.
"Wow, wan't that a great show? Can't wait till the real thing happens! Well, I've filled my yearly quota with this obligatory cameo. Bye now!"
He then left.