trying to find peace of mind
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note: a werewolf!au in honor of halloween approaching. happy spooky season!
(title from jet pack blues by fall out boy)
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"Do you know Juvia Lockser?" Lyon asked with the worst timing ever. In asking, he interrupted Gray's thoughts for his essay on how the severing of community and familial bonds is the crux of King Lear's tragedy.
"I know of her," Gray responded, only mildly irritated.
"You don't talk to her though?" Gray shook his head. "Did you know?"
"Know what?"
"That she got bit." Gray stopped puzzling over his essay and looked at his step-brother.
"What?"
"She got bit by a werewolf. I found out just now."
"And you're telling me?" Gray was no stranger to werewolves: his dad was one, his adoptive mom and her daughter was one, even his friend Natsu was a werewolf. Gray wasn't by virtue of luck and Ur's overprotectiveness, but still – it was a shock to find out the quiet girl who sat in the corner of his English class was a werewolf.
"She came in just now, asking for wolfsbane. She thought she could treat it, but apparently, she'd already experienced a full moon and you know it's too late by then."
"You're not supposed to know this stuff."
"She told me herself!" Lyon paused. "You know, she's kinda cute."
"I can't believe you want to hit on a girl, who just got traumatized."
Lyon glared at him. "You have zero faith in me."
Before Gray could think of a snippy retort, Juvia walked out of the Mavis Center's consultation room. Based off the hunch in her shoulders and how she wiped her cheeks, she had not been given good news. Visits to the consultation room rarely heralded good news, especially for first timers, but it wasn't like she would know that. Still, Lyon cheerfully waved to her, despite Gray's glare that said stop being callous, this isn't a good time for her.
Juvia gave a small wave in return and then, bolted out the door with a slight limp.
Gray felt a tinge of pity, then looked back at his essay. He needed three more pages by midnight and he had no idea what to write.
"Hey, Gray," Lyon said.
"Yeah?" Gray was so close to smacking his step-brother.
"Maybe you should talk to her." Lyon grinned wolfishly. "Since you only have three friends."
At that, Gray hit him.
-o-
While Lyon claimed Gray only had three friends, he was wrong and also, a dick. However, turns out Lyon was more serious about convincing Gray to talk to Juvia than he had previously anticipated and had convinced their step-mom, Ur, to become involved. Either that, or Ur viewed her sons as a personal delivery service. Gray hadn't figured out which one it was or if it was both; but Ur asked him to deliver a packet and some herbal medicine to Juvia.
He headed to Ms. Aquarius' classroom before their first period English, which Lucy said was her usual hangout. Sure enough, Juvia sat at her desk, drawing in her sketchpad.
Gray plopped his backpack on her desk. "I have something for you."
She blushed and snatched her hand away from his backpack. "I'm sorry?"
Gray searched for the packet in his bag, which he'd thrown in as he rushed out the door twenty minutes before. "My step-mom wanted me to give you something from the Center. I don't think she thought you'd come back and this packet is pretty helpful for newtimers."
At Juvia's confused expression, he clarified: "My step-mom is Ur Milkovich. You talked to her and my step-brother, when you first visited the Mavis Center. You know, for your problem?"
Juvia nodded in recognition. "I was going to return. I was just –" She sighed. "—busy."
Gray shrugged. "Well, she hadn't seen you and figured we had a class together, so here I am. Her mailman." Juvia giggled, taking the packet from him and placing it in her backpack. She was careful not to touch the skin of his hands. "Good thing English is first period though," he added. "I wouldn't have wanted to give this to you in front of everyone."
"Thank you for thinking about that. I haven't told many people."
"Makes sense." Gray looked closer at her and her sketchbook. She seemed pale, which was typical for werewolves, post-full moon. It usually took newbies a couple years for their bodies to become used to the transformation. But more interesting was her sketchbook, which had a familiar face on it.
"Is that me?" he asked. She blushed red.
"You have a nice face. There's nice lines to it." He raised his eyebrows incredulously. "If it makes you feel better, I draw other people. Not just you."
"The page has literally only my face on it."
"Lucy's let me draw her before! And I like to draw Erza during her volleyball practices – her hair moves prettily when she plays. Also, Loke has a super expressive face so I've drawn him as well. I can show you –"
Gray shook his head at her embarrassed explanation. "Everything's fine. Your art looks good. I just wasn't expecting it." The bell rang. "But, you probably shouldn't tell Loke you like his face. You'll just give him a big head."
As the rest of his classmates filed in, he moved to his desk. Throughout first period, whenever he turned around, he'd see her. If asked, he'd claim he wasn't checking on her or anything, he just happened to look in her direction; either way, to Gray, it seemed like her blush had yet to subside. But funnily enough, every time he looked at her, she had a small smile too.
-o-
As Gray struggled over yet another English assignment in the recreation room at the Mavis Center, the chair across from him scraped across the floor and Juvia sat down.
"I got here early for my doctor's appointment," she said, by way of explanation. Gray nodded, half-paying attention.
"When's the appointment?" he eventually asked, once he realized that she was waiting for him to continue the conversation.
"In an hour."
"And you plan to just sit here?"
"Isn't that what you're doing?"
"Fair point."
They fell into another silence, both awkward and easy at the same time. Awkward because he could tell Juvia was nervous, by the way she fidgeted with her daisy bracelet. He suspected that, when she didn't know someone well, Juvia preferred them to be talking. Easy because, when Juvia wasn't being obvious about her crush on him, she was okay to be around. Lucy had told him that she had chilled out since sophomore year, but Gray hadn't believed her until now. He always found the prospect of effusive feelings too intimidating to discover the person behind them.
"Do you go here often?" she asked. Gray shifted and she jerked a little, as if afraid of him moving too close.
"I mean," Gray said, distracted by that reoccurring pattern. "Yeah? Since Ur usually works in the afternoons."
"Is she…?"
"A werewolf? Yeah. So's my dad. They met here actually, after my dad got turned."
"Oh." Her voice was small. "That's so sad."
"Not really. The turning was sad and angry, but Ur and my dad meeting each other was ultimately good." Juvia was quiet and Gray remembered Ur talking about the how many new werewolves felt a lot of anger and doubt over their new health status, an unwillingness or inability to picture a good future. Gray figured Juvia felt that too.
"Good things do come out of this," he added. "I've heard it can be hard to think about the good when a bad thing happens, but good things do come. You're part of a community now and we take care of our own."
"You're a wolf? You don't need to answer, if it's invasive or –"
Gray shook his head. "I wasn't turned, but Lyon and I were basically raised by the community. And I can help them with stuff. I have access to some things that werewolves don't, due to discrimination and stigma. Like, Ur sends me to do supply runs for the Center because suppliers won't upcharge me or she has me watch the kids because a lot of people still think werewolves are more prone to violence."
"Do you like kids?" Juvia sighed. "Sorry, I don't –"
"Don't apologize, it's fine." Gray fiddled with his pencil. "Most people here like kids. Pack instincts and all that. My dad used to joke that I gained five pounds whenever I was dropped off here, just because the staff would feed me so much. Doesn't help that there's a kitchen on the grounds."
"There's a kitchen? Can I use it?"
"I can talk to Ur about getting you access. In the meantime," Gray stretched, beginning to pack up his bag. "Do you wanna go with me to get coffee before your appointment?"
"Me?"
"It's either get coffee or watch me struggle to do our English assignment. Or hang out with Lyon, he'll be coming in from hockey practice soon."
Juvia stood up so fast her chair fell over. She blushed, picking up the chair and saying: "Ah! – sorry – I'd like the coffee best, if you don't mind."
He couldn't help his smile. Maybe Juvia Lockser wasn't so bad after all.
-o-
It was the night of Homecoming and Gray, Juvia, and their friends sat in Denny's before the dance. The group had commandeered half of the diner, but pairs had begun to trickle out. Many of their friends had dates, but neither Juvia nor Gray had one.
Juvia picked at her waffles in front of him. She was dressed more modestly than most of the girls, her dress having long sleeves and a skirt that extended to her mid-calf. The dress was backless though and her blue hair was pinned up in a braided crown, so when he stood behind her or when she turned around to talk to Lucy, he could see the line of her spine and the smooth planes of her pale back.
His phone buzzed. It was a text from Lucy: tell her she looks pretty! :))
He looked over Juvia's shoulder and saw Lucy's stare. She smiled and gave a thumbs-up, while Natsu laughed quietly. He suspected that Lucy read too much into his and Juvia's budding friendship, but Lucy did have a point. In that dress, Juvia was pretty. All the time, Juvia was pretty.
"You, uh—" Her blue eyes locked on his. Gray's cheeks heated up at the intensity of her gaze. "You look good. Your dress is nice."
She beamed. Her fork abandoned the half-eaten syrupy waffle. "Thanks! It took me a long time to find it – the dress, if that makes sense."
"It does." Gray didn't know what to do with her joy, so he tried for a joke: "You'll definitely get guys in it. Can live your crazy 'have trashy sex in a car after a dance' dreams."
Juvia nodded with the bit, having picked up on his dry humor by that point. "It's a great dress to get an STD in."
"That, on top of the lycanthropy? Your parents would be so proud."
"Honestly, my parents would rather I'd gotten an STD." She said it playfully, but Gray still stopped. Her voice had the same hurt that he'd hear in Cana's, whenever she made an absent father joke.
"Yeah?" His fingers inched towards hers, but she pulled her hands off the table to fiddle with her bracelet.
"When I visit the Center, I usually just tell my parents that I'm at an Art Club meeting," she admitted. "Or that I'm with Lucy."
"Your parents sound like dicks," Gray said.
Juvia picked up her fork again, stabbing her waffle through a soggy banana slice. "It's part of the reason why I got this dress. Nobody can see the scars."
"Well. You look beautiful. Bite or no bite."
-o-
Juvia lay on Gray's rumpled bed and stared at the ceiling. Her hands fidgeted with everything around her: her daisy bracelet, the hem of her t-shirt, his bed sheets. That night was the first full moon since she had her first transformation, and Gray, who sat at his desk, could tell that she was nervous.
"It happened at a concert," she said. "It was the guitarist. Vivaldus Taka. I wasn't careful. I wanted an autograph and I saw him after the show in the park and he grabbed me and I – yeah. He bit me."
"It's not your fault," Gray said.
"Everything hurts though." With that statement, Gray was silent. He had heard about the pain prior to transformation, how it feels like nothing in your body fit right; but his dad and Ur both tried to shield him from that knowledge and did not talk openly about it.
Juvia didn't. In a way, she couldn't. She was at his house because she didn't know how to deal with full moon transformations. While most new werewolves had a more experienced Mavis Center employee guide them at their home or went to a local church for their guided transformations, due to Juvia's parents' unaccepting attitude towards the community and desire to keep Juvia's "condition" under wraps, Juvia came to his house, where Ur and his dad could help her through the full moon.
But this pain she describes – he can't help her. He does not understand it. He can only do so much.
"Have you eaten a full meal?" Gray asked.
"My stomach hurts."
"It'll help you though. Later on." Gray stood up and went to his door. "C'mon, I'll make you some food."
Juvia followed Gray to the kitchen. He pulled a chair from the dining room onto the tiled kitchen floor, so Juvia could sit, while he began to make a meal. It wouldn't be much; he didn't have enough time to make something elaborate. Juvia watched him, as he puttered about the kitchen, making toast, spreading butter over whole wheat, cutting up a banana, and placing a spoonful of peanut butter next to the fruit. When everything was plated, he told her: "This shouldn't hurt your stomach that much."
She accepted the plate and stared at it, seemingly confused. "The peanut butter is for protein, the banana should help with cramps. The toast calms your stomach and will help you load up on carbs," he added.
"Thank you," she whispered.
They stayed in the kitchen, quiet, until Ur called for Juvia. When she left, she had finished the plate of food.
-o-
The next day, Gray woke up at 4am. The morning air was bitter and cold, so he threw a sweatshirt on over his sleeping clothes and braved the chilly hallway. Lyon's door was still closed, which made sense – it was Gray's turn to make the post-transformation breakfast. In the kitchen, as he flicked the light switch on, he could still see how deep the night was and he could hear faint howls and yips.
As he mixed the pancake mix, fried the bacon, and cut up fruit for breakfast, he put on a playlist that Juvia had made. It was her jogging playlist and she had shared it with him, when he complained about a lack of good exercise music. It made him pumped, but also made him think of her. He hoped the night had gone well and that she hadn't been in pain.
The night eventually transformed into the dawn. He heard a knock on the back door and saw his step-mom, dressed in the ratty clothes she always stored in the woods. Juvia and his dad stood behind Ur, all of them flushed and covered in dirt. Juvia seemed exhausted, but in her own way, happy.
"Food ready?" Ur asked. Gray nodded.
She came in and Juvia smiled softly. She wore his dad's flannel over a tank top – she must not have expected it to be so cold.
"You girls can eat," his dad said, once everyone was in the house. "I'll take a shower."
"Trying to hog all the hot water, aren't you?" Ur responded, playful.
"I want you girls to eat, too." He leaned in to kiss Ur and then, disappeared into the bathroom.
The kitchen door swung shut, as Ur went in to serve herself. Juvia settled down at their kitchen table and Gray sat beside her. Gently, Gray picked an orange leaf out of her hair and she smiled softly at him.
Ur placed a plate of piled-high food in front of Juvia. Juvia looked at Ur with wide eyes.
"I can't eat this much," Juvia said. "I can't take this much from you."
Ur laughed. "You don't know how hungry you can get. Besides," Ur shrugged. "Gray made this food to be eaten."
Ur sat down with her own plate of food and Gray took that as permission to get a plate. After getting food and leaving more than enough for his dad, he returned to the table. They all ate together in easy silence.
When his dad exited the shower and his mom left the table for her turn, when Juvia finished her plate of food and brought it to the kitchen sink, Gray and Juvia moved to the living room. Gray put on an old cartoon, half-expecting Juvia to make fun of him for finding comfort in a childhood tv show. But she stayed silent, simply laying down and placing her head on Gray's lap. Her cheek was warm through the fabric of his flannel pajama pants and her hair was dirty.
Gray did not mind though. His hand rested on her somehow-still-soft hair. It was the first time in their friendship that she'd initiated touch and the first time he'd felt comfortable touching her. She inhaled in peaceful breaths.
"How long will you be here?" she whispered. Even with her calm breaths, her shoulders were tense. He could hear Lyon beginning to stir in his room.
"We have about an hour until school starts." Carefully, Gray ran his fingers through her hair. "It's okay. I'll stay here."
Her shoulders relaxed and into the couch and his lap, she curled down.
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endnote: (on juvia's speech patterns) I got rid of her third-person speech patterns because it took me out of the au and I replaced them with a lot of common English feminized speech patterns (sorry, if that makes sense, etc). it's weird writing those things into dialogue since I was always taught to refine dialogue to be the bare minimum – everything has to advance a point – but I think her speech patterns are a point, you know? she uses those phrases less and less around gray, which is a sign she's more comfortable with him, you know?
i hope you guys enjoyed this fic! i really appreciate getting feedback, so both constructive criticism and happy comments are definitely welcome! please let me know what you thought!