"Hello?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was hoping he wouldn't be mad, but who knew what would happen at this point. "Mike?"
"Tracy? Are you alright? It's 11pm."
I took a deep breath. "I'm at the police station."
"What's happened?" asked Mike, the concern clear in his voice. "Are you alright? Do you need me to come and help with anything?"
I paused for a moment, catching my thoughts, before I told him the truth. "I was in a cell, Mike."
"A cell?" Mike was quiet for a moment. "Tracy, what have you done?"
"I, Mum came to visit," I said shakily. "I arranged it a few weeks ago, and then last week it was just going to be too much so I cancelled. It's been so busy this week I've been feeling a bit not great anyway. And then this morning she turned up anyway, and started having a go." I paused for a moment to steady my breathing. "And she accused me of treating the kids here badly, and after all she did to me as a kid it was just too much. I was screaming at her to stop and pushing her away from me when she got in my face and she just kept going." I wiped the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. "And then the only solution I could think of to make it stop was to hit her. So I did. And I know I shouldn't have done but the whole thing just took me straight back to being a kid when I lived with her and I couldn't take it, it was taking me back to when I wanted to end my life in the past and I just couldn't go there again. And she called the police."
Mike was silent for a moment. Then his voice came through the phone. "Do you want me to pick you up?"
I looked around me. It was very dark, and was getting cold. My next plan had been to phone for a taxi.
"You're not mad?"
Mike sighed. "I'm surprised the police even got involved," he began. "It was a family matter, and especially given your history I'm a little shocked they took you in. Then again, I suppose they did have to do their job." He paused. "My job though is to get you home safe and well. You're at the station in town, I assume?"
"Yes, I am."
"Then I'll be there soon," said Mike. "We can talk things through at home."
"See you soon," I said. "And thank you."
"No worries," said Mike. "Bye."
"Bye."
I ended the call and put my phone back in my bag. I'd just had time to grab it before I'd been taken out of the house, walked to the car with an officer on either side. Once there I'd been put in handcuffs, the officer showing me the most comfortable position to put my hands. It had still hurt as I'd been driven to the station, just the weight of the cuffs meaning they dug into my wrists slightly.
Tears came to my eyes as I tried to get the thoughts out of my head. I sat on a nearby bench and just sat, unmoving. I'd done the same in the first room they'd taken me to, all joy of life gone from me in that moment. Even moving the cuffs into a more comfortable position had seemed too difficult, partially as the pain didn't seem to matter anymore, and partially because I was scared the noise they'd make would make the officers think I was faking it, that I could move but was choosing not to.
In reality moving had been just too difficult to manage.
I must have been sat there for a while, because it suddenly seemed to be getting colder. Then a car pulled up.
Mike was here.
I forced myself to look up to check it was him. He motioned me to the car but I was frozen.
Mike got out of the car and came over to me. He sighed, looking me up and down. "I'm glad I came to pick you up. You're not well, are you?"
I shook my head.
"Come on, in the car," he said. He put his hand behind my back and pushed me up. "Front or back?"
"Can I go in the back?" I asked. I wanted an opportunity to sit in private, without Mike checking on me every five seconds.
"Of course," said Mike. He opened the door for me and I went to sit in the back of the car.
I rested my head on my hand as Mike got in and started to drive. I was glad to be in a car where I could move my hands more than a few centimetres away from each other.
I cast my mind back again. When they'd decided they had time for me I'd been taken to the front desk, giving my information. They'd finally taken the handcuffs off, and had given me a search. Obviously I'd had nothing on me except my bag, which I'd had to hand in. Then they'd taken me off to the cell.
It had all gotten too much at that point.
I'd explained how I was currently feeling at the desk, so when I started crying the mental health team had been promised to me.
Then I was locked in.
I was brought out of my day dream by Mike pulling into my drive. When he'd said home I hadn't known which one he meant, and was glad I'd have my own things.
I was shaking as I got out of the car.
I opened the front door and waited for Mike.
"Where do you want to go?" he asked.
"I, I don't know."
"Do you want to sit or lie down?"
I was exhausted, but I didn't know if lying down was a good idea right now.
"We can go in your room if you don't mind me being in there," said Mike. "Otherwise we'll go to the living room.
"My room," I said. I wanted to show Mike I trusted him enough to let him in.
Mike gave me a smile and showed me to lead the way.
I went into my room and sat on the bed, leaning onto my pillows.
Mike closed the door behind him and sat down. "Talk to me. I can see you're struggling. What do you need?"
"But, I…" I paused for a moment. "Why? I've been arrested and given a caution, you shouldn't be here."
Because your mum was involved," said Mike gently. "If you'd hit a stranger in the street I wouldn't have much sympathy unless it was self defence. But your mum went out of her way to make things difficult, and with all the feelings that stirred up, especially if she wouldn't stop, I can understand why you did it. It wasn't right, as you know, but I understand where it came from, and I don't want you punished further."
Tears came to my eyes. I had been worried that Mike would hate me, and here he was saying he understood that it had been more than just an angry rage.
Mike put his arms around me in a hug.
I broke.
We stayed in that position for quite a few minutes, before Mike moved away.
"Did they treat you right in there?" he asked. "They have a duty to make sure they look after you properly."
"Yeah, they were good," I said. "It was just the whole experience that was… traumatic."
"Talk me through what happened," said Mike.
I sighed, more tears coming to my eyes. "It just, I don't know, they got me in and put me in a cell, then they interviewed me but they didn't listen to half of what I was saying, it was like they wanted me to say something awful that I'd done even though I hadn't, then they gave me a caution and that's going to stay on my record for years and I might not be able to visit certain countries with it…" I stopped. "It's just so unfair. I didn't want to hurt Mum. I just wanted her to stop. And now if I go for any other job not at Elm Tree that's going to show up."
Mike sighed. "The record seems a bit harsh." He paused. "Then again, if you admitted you did it they didn't have much choice."
"I know."
Mike looked over at the clock. "It's getting late. I'm happy to talk if you want to, but you look exhausted, and after a day like today I think you could do with getting some sleep."
"I don't know," I said. "I want to talk, but my head is just so cloudy and I can hardly think."
"I'll leave you to sleep then," said Mike. He gave my hand a squeeze and then got up.
"Wait, Mike."
He turned back to face me.
"I, I want to talk about it."
In reality I just didn't want to be left alone, but I didn't feel I could say that.
Mike sat back down.
I sighed. "I, I just can't stop thinking about it. They put me in cuffs to go to the station, I know it's what they have to do, but it was terrifying. And being locked in… Why did I have to go through all that and mum got nothing? She was so pleased I was being arrested too, like she'd finally managed to catch me doing something bad she could get me in trouble for." I put my head in my hands.
Mike put his hand on my back. "Tell me what you need from me. Can I get you anything, or do anything?"
"Just don't make me go back there."
When I'd been in the cell I'd gotten used to it, happy that I was away from mum and could do things like get a drink without being judged.. But whilst in the cuffs, and doing the interview, it had broken me.
"I'm not going to," said Mike. "I'm keeping you here for the time being. And you're safe here."
"I wasn't this morning," I said.
"Your mum's not here now," said Mike. "And I wouldn't dream of calling the police about you unless it was to protect you. You could hit me a hundred times and I wouldn't call them."
"I, I wouldn't, of course I wouldn't do that," I said, my voice shaking.
Mike's face softened. "Oh Tracy, of course you wouldn't," he said gently. "I was just trying to make a point." He took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "And I wouldn't give you reason to either. Your mum is just as much in the wrong, possibly more so." He paused for a moment. "I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. You're finally on your feet, I'm not having her bringing you down."
"You'll just make her worse," I said.
"I won't," said Mike. "The number of parents I've talked to over the years, I know how to do this."
I sighed, leaning back further into my pillows. I was exhausted.
"Come on, I'll leave you to rest," said Mike. "You clearly need it."
"No, please," I said as he began to get up. "Don't go."
Mike sat back down, giving me a smile. "I can stay if you want me to."
I gave him a small smile back. "Please."
Mike put my pillows down flat, then gently lay me down. "Go to sleep," he said. "You need it after today. And I'll be right here."
I wasn't in my pyjamas, but I didn't care. Today had completely exhausted me, and I was able to just close my eyes tonight and drift off. I was asleep in seconds, knowing I was safe with Mike right next to me.
I woke up with the sun streaming through my window. I turned over and was greeted with a smile.
"You're still here?" I asked.
"Of course," said Mike. "I said I would be, and I'd never go back on my word like that."
"Even after everything yesterday?"
Mike sighed. "You know what I think about all that. It's not worth losing you over."
I gave Mike a grateful smile, relaxing. At least what he'd said last night was true.
"How're you feeling?" he asked gently.
I sighed. "I don't know. Tired, I guess."
"I've told Gina you're not working your shift today," said Mike. "Take today to rest and recover. You suffered trauma yesterday; you need to look after yourself so you can heal from it."
"Trauma?" I asked, confused. "It wasn't that bad."
"You used the word 'traumatic' and then didn't want me to leave." Mike's voice was soft, allowing me to see the truth without being startled by it.
Tears rose in my eyes. I'd known it was bad, but not that bad. I curled into a ball, pulling the duvet over myself to hide from the world.
Mike's strong arms wrapped around me. He didn't try to take the duvet off, which I was grateful for. He just added to the protection.
I began to scream.
I'd meant to just cry, but apparently my hurt was too deep for that at the moment. My screams went on for several minutes, until I was able to stop.
Once I was quiet Mike's hand came under the duvet. I gripped it tightly.
He then gently lifted the duvet so he could see my face. His was a picture of concern.
"I'm going to have to call in sick too," he said. "I was going to cover your shift today, but I can't leave you at the moment."
"Go in," I said. "The kids need you."
"No," said Mike firmly. "The first 24 hours after trauma are the most important. I don't want you having PTSD because I wasn't here."
"PTSD?"
"It only takes one event to develop it," said Mike. "Yesterday was definitely enough."
I hid again. I didn't want to be here anymore.
Mike gently pushed me sideways slightly. I then felt him get onto the bed, before he pulled me towards him, duvet included. I buried my face into him, and began to cry.
Mike held me tight and began to make shushing noises, gently talking to me. I began to relax slightly, though I could still feel the tension in my body.
"Just relax," he said, stroking my cheek. "It's going to be ok. I'm here. I'll be here all day if you need me."
The tears continued to make their way down my cheeks. I couldn't seem to stop them. I looked up at Mike, worry etched on his face.
"I'm sorry."
"No, don't be," said Mike, giving me a smile. "I just want you to be ok." He paused for a moment. "Is there anything you need me to do? Anything that might help?"
I thought for a moment. "I, I don't know."
I knew I needed to feel safe right now. But I wasn't sure what else would help.
My mind wandered back to yesterday. I'd sat for a while in the room, not doing anything to pass the time, having declined the magazine I'd been offered. It hadn't been long before the mental health team had come to see me. That had been difficult in itself, talking through how I was feeling at the moment, though not feeling I could bring up my current feelings as I'd deserved the arrest for what I'd done. Then it had been back to the cell.
I paused my thoughts for a moment, bringing myself back to the real world. Mike had taken hold of my hand, giving it a squeeze.
That brought back another memory. Obviously I'd had my fingerprints taken and a photo taken too, just like in the movies. Then again I was locked in, for a long time. Then after that...
I didn't want to think about that. The interview had been hell. I'd been allowed a solicitor before it, but still it had been hell.
I couldn't break my mind from it. The questions, the accusations, the assumptions...
"Mike…"
Mike had obviously heard the tone of my voice. "Tracy? What's wrong? Talk to me."
I looked up at him, my eyes full of pain. Mike placed a gentle hand on my forehead, using his thumb to stroke my hair and soothe me.
"I can't stop thinking about it."
Mike took a deep breath. "I know. And it's going to be really difficult. But if you can, try and focus on the here and now. I'm here, you're not there anymore, and it's going to be ok."
"It's not," I said sadly. "My record is ruined. And all because Mum wanted to ruin my life!"
My hurt was suddenly replaced with anger. Mum had smiled at me as she'd told me the police would be coming, she hadn't cared when they'd come to get me. I'm sure she'd stayed and watched me leave.
Mike held onto me as I tried to sit up.
"Get off me!"
Mike's arms were too strong. I wouldn't have been able to overcome them anyway, and the fact I hadn't eaten since yesterday morning wasn't helping.
"Get off!"
"Just calm down," said Mike gently.
"GET OFF!"
Mike finally released me. I went to the other end of the bed, shaking.
"I told you to let me go!" I said, fire in my eyes. "I've just been locked up and you wouldn't let me go! Well screw you too!"
I threw my bag across the room, not caring what happened to it.
"I hate both of you! No one cares, everyone just wants to see me fail. Well well done, you've succeeded! I've got a criminal record now, I hope you're happy!"
I dissolved into tears.
"I can't do this anymore. I can't do it anymore!"
I wanted to scream until my throat was raw. I wanted to throw everything I could find. I wanted to yell at anyone who came near me until they left me alone.
I didn't have the energy.
I curled back into a ball and stayed there, motionless.
I could tell Mike was watching me. Then he slowly started to move over to me.
"Don't move or I'll hit you too!"
The movement didn't stop.
"I said don't move or I'll hit you too!"
Mike wasn't listening.
I looked up at him; my eyes flashed with anger. Then his hand was placed on my shoulder.
His eyes met mine. They were full of love and worry. The fire in mine was extinguished.
A tear rolled down Mike's cheek, our eyes still locked.
I was the first to look away.
"I understand," said Mike. "I'm furious as well. Just try to calm down a little."
I looked back up. "You're angry too?"
"Your mum should never have done what she did," said Mike. "And now we're here picking up the pieces. So yes, I'm angry." He got his phone out of his pocket. "I think I need to call her. What's her number?"
I hesitated for a moment, then got my phone out and showed him.
Mike typed it in and pressed the call button.
It began to ring.
"Hello?"
I can't remember much of the phone call. I remember Mike telling Mum what had happened, what was happening, and why he was furious with her.
Then I began to scream at her.
It was a blur after that, but I do remember Mike actually picking me up to take me away from the phone so he could finish the conversation.
I heard him yelling after that too.
Eventually he came to get me. I'd retreated to the corner of the sofa.
"I don't think I've ever seen you that angry," he said. "Are you ok?"
I shook my head. "Not really, if I'm honest." A tear came to my eye.
Mike sat down next to me. "What do you need from me?"
I shrugged.
"Do you want something to eat?"
I shook my head. I couldn't manage food at the moment.
Mike sighed. "Whenever I've dealt with police before the kid is just happy to be home. Like Liam, got him home and he was absolutely fine. I'm not used to dealing with this."
"Great, so I'm completely useless at that we well," I said.
"No, that's not what I meant," said Mike. "I meant that I'm not used to this level of trauma response, especially from you. You have every right to feel like you do, but I'm struggling to know what to do to help."
I sighed. "Just knock me out: I felt so much better when I was asleep."
Mike gave a slight smile. "I'd lose my job." He gently pulled me towards him. "And I have better methods anyway."
He lay my head on his chest, bringing me close to him. Then he leant down and gave me something.
A kiss on the top of my head.
I closed my eyes, but the tears overflowed anyway. From previous experience I knew that was Mike's way of proving he loved me during difficult times. It meant the world.
After everything that had happened I couldn't stay awake much longer. I was sound asleep in less than a minute.
When I woke I was alone.
I looked around the room, trying to work out where I was, and what had happened.
Oh of course.
Hang on...
"Mike?"
No answer. Surely he wouldn't have left while I was asleep.
"Mike?!"
I began to panic slightly. Had he locked the front door after him? What if someone else was in here? What if Mum came back?
I shot up.
"Hey, easy Trace. What's happened?"
I knew that voice anywhere. "I, I thought you'd gone."
"While you were asleep?" Mike sat down next to me. "I wouldn't do that. If I had to leave in an emergency I'd wake you up first."
I relaxed.
"How're you feeling?"
"A bit better, I think," I said. I was feeling a little shaky, but nowhere near as bad as earlier.
"I'm glad," said Mike. He put a glass of water on the table. "Have something to drink. I don't want you ill on top of all this."
I took a few sips from the glass and then placed it back down.
There was a moment of silence.
"Can you tell me more about what happened?" asked Mike. "It might help me understand what you're going through better. At the moment it doesn't make as much sense as it should."
I sighed. "It's the little things that really got to me. Actually being in a cell and being locked in was good at times, as it meant there was no one bothering me and when there was this guy shouting and swearing outside I knew he couldn't get me. The handcuffs were really scary, I think it's because that was the first thing that really made me realise I was really being arrested. And they're heavy. I couldn't move my hands, like I know that's the point but it was just terrifying."
I looked down at my hands at that point. They were shaking.
"And then once I was there half the people just didn't care. Like I know I'd done something wrong, but some people just didn't understand at all. I even had the police officer who checked me out tell me that I should stop feeling suicidal because I had it better than children who were starving in the world. Yeah, maybe, but that doesn't make my situation good, does it? Just so many people like that who thought I was making it up or that I should be grateful for what I do have and stop complaining."
Mike took my hand and gave it a squeeze.
"It just, keeps replaying itself over and over again in my head," I said. "Just one tiny thing, but it just won't go away."
"I get it now," said Mike. "It's not just the fact that it happened, it's the fact that in your mind it keeps happening."
I nodded.
"You're safe now," said Mike. "I know it was absolutely awful, and it should never have happened, but you're out now. You need to try and think about that to get rid of the bad memories."
"I don't feel safe though," I said quietly. "Home doesn't feel safe anymore."
I was wrapped in a hug. I knew that was Mike's way of reintroducing safety.
It always worked.
I gave him a hug back. "Thank you."
"It's only a hug," said Mike.
I looked up at him. "You know it's more than that."
Mike just gave me a smile.
I settled down. It wasn't long though before the thoughts came back. I ran my hand over my wrist.
"Hey," said Mike gently. He carefully took my wrist and allowed it to rest in his palm. When I lifted if away he didn't do anything to stop me.
I laid it back down.
I knew what Mike was doing, and I appreciated it. He was allowing me to see I was free, no longer chained by cuffs or locked in a prison.
The tears began again.
"Trace, what's wrong?"
I sniffled. "I don't get why you're being so nice to me." I sniffled again. "It doesn't make any sense. I'm a criminal. You should want nothing to do with me."
Mike lifted his head for a moment, then pushed me away slightly so he could look me in the eye. "A criminal? Is that really what you think you are?"
I avoided his gaze.
"Tracy. Answer me."
I couldn't. I knew Mike was just going to tell me I was wrong. But I'd been arrested and admitted a crime, by definition that made me a criminal.
Mike lifted my head so I couldn't look away. "Answer me."
"Yes."
Mike kept his finger under my chin. "And which idiot led you to believe that?"
"The fact I got a caution," I said.
Mike sighed. He seemed lost for words.
"I'm right, aren't I?"
"By definition, yes," he said. "But not in most people's books."
"As soon as anyone finds out that's what they'll think of me," I said.
"And who's going to know?"
I looked confused. "We're not going to tell people?"
"We need to tell a very small number of people," said Mike. "No one else needs to know. I certainly won't be telling anyone without your permission."
"So who?" I asked.
"I would like Gina to know if you're comfortable," said Mike. "As I'm head care worker she doesn't need to, but I think it would be helpful for her to know. And Cam should definitely know what's happened. And then just anyone who needs to if you're applying for a job and they need to see your record. And that's it. You can obviously tell any friends if you want them to know but that's completely up to you."
I nodded. Cam was due home tonight: she'd been in London for the weekend after I'd cancelled mum's visit, and I hadn't told her that she'd come yet. And Gina was at Elm Tree.
"We don't need to tell them yet," said Mike. "I want you to be calm first. Especially with Gina, I don't want all the kids listening in."
I nodded.
"What would be helpful now?"
I looked down. I was still wearing the same clothes as the day before. "Can I go and get a shower and get changed? I want to get out of these clothes."
"Of course," said Mike. He looked down at his own clothes. "If you wouldn't mind I'd like to nip home and do the same."
"You can go home anytime you want," I said. "You don't need my permission."
Mike gave me a look, before he pushed me to get up. "Go on, off you go. I'll see you soon."
I got up and went into the bathroom.
I knew I'd spent too long in the bathroom when the water went cold.
The shower had started off fine, but had quickly turned into dark thoughts about the day before. I was sat on the base of the shower, tears streaming down my cheeks as the water fell over me.
There was a knock on the door. "Tracy?"
I didn't have the energy to answer.
More knocking, louder this time. "Tracy?"
"I'm ok," I said.
Clearly I hadn't been loud enough. "Tracy, I know you're still in there. And if you don't respond I'm going to assume you're in trouble and break the door down."
"I'm ok!"
"You're ok?" Mike's voice sounded relieved.
"I'm ok."
"Let me know when you're out," said Mike. "I've brought something for you."
"I will," I said.
Mike left the door.
I sighed. Mike was clearly more worried than I'd realised. I stood up and turned the water off, before drying myself and changing into clean clothes. I then went to see what Mike had got.
Mike was on the sofa when I got there. He handed me a bag as I entered.
I opened it and took out a fleece blanket. "Why?"
"To keep you feeling safe," said Mike. "Home needs to be a safe place."
Tears came to my eyes. I gave Mike a smile.
Mike gave me one back.
I sat on the sofa next to him, wrapping the blanket around me. "What are we doing now?"
"I don't know," I said. I paused for a moment, trying to think.
"What usually helps you when you're upset?" asked Mike.
I pulled the blanket round tighter. "I've never felt like this before."
There was a moment of silence.
Then I heard a key in the lock.
"Who's that?" I got up to go and investigate.
The door opened. "Oh Tracy!"
I was taken into Cam's arms.
"Cam!"
I hugged her tight as she hugged me.
"The minute I heard I came straight back! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you'd hate me," I said. "I thought Mike would hate me too, but he needed to know for work. I was going to wait to tell you until I could deal with how you felt about it."
Cam pulled away slightly and held my face in her hand, looking me in the eye. Then she pulled me close again.
I began to sob. Mike hadn't been mad, and Cam wasn't either. They both loved me like they always had.
Cam gently guided me over to the sofa and sat down with me, not letting go as she did so. I allowed myself to relax slightly.
Then I thought of something. "Hang on, you said you heard what happened." I lifted my head. "Who told you?"
Cam glanced over to Mike.
"But when?" I asked. "You said you wouldn't tell anyone without my permission."
"I thought you were ok with telling Cam," said Mike.
"I am, I told you, but..." I paused. "I only went for a shower."
Mike sighed. "You were in there for two hours, Trace."
That explained why the water had gone cold. And why Mike had thought something was wrong.
"I'm so sorry."
Mike just shook his head. Cam gave me a squeeze.
I gave her a squeeze back.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here," said Cam. "I didn't know your mum would still turn up."
"I didn't either," I said. "And I told you to go. You didn't just leave."
"No one is to blame," said Mike. "Well, your mum is. But no one here did anything wrong."
I turned to him. "You and Cam maybe not. I slapped her across the face!"
Mike sighed. "As much as I shouldn't condone it, she had it coming. The way she treated you for years is unforgivable."
I turned to Cam.
"You're not a bad person, Tracy," she said. "You didn't deserve it at all."
I looked down to the ground. It still felt strange to have people understanding my actions. I'd expected everyone to have left me by now, but as shaky as I felt inside, I knew there were people around me who cared.
Cam squeezed my hand as my shakiness reached the outside. There was no point trying to stop my body from trembling.
"What can I do, Tracy?" asked Cam gently. "Mike's told me what's been going on, but I want to know if there's anything I can do that he couldn't."
I thought for a moment, then it came to me. "Tonight, can we do what we used to do?"
Cam looked at me, the confusion clear on her face.
"When you adopted me," I clarified.
Cam seemed puzzled for a moment longer, before she understood. She nodded, then put her arms round me and held me close.
I knew Mike wouldn't understand, but thankfully he didn't ask. Cam knew what I was referring to though: after she'd adopted me I'd opened up to her about life in care and before, and we'd spend half an hour each night just chatting about what it had been like when we were children. She always listened, and then was either able to empathise with a story of her own, or for the darker things had comforted me and reminded me of a happy memory of the two of us or told me of a good time with her mum. I hoped tonight that Cam would allow me the time to talk through with her what had happened.
Mike was slowly putting things into a bag. I turned to him when I realised what he was doing.
"Are you going?"
"I thought I'd leave you with Cam," he said. "She knows you better than I do, she'll be able to help more."
I was about to speak, but Cam beat me to it. "I'm not sure I do, Mike."
Mike turned to her.
I could hear the tears in Cam's voice. "You got her home for me, Mike. And you've stayed with her. You could have left her at that police station but you looked after her. And I know today hasn't been easy for either of you and you stuck it out." She wiped her eyes. "Oh look at me, I'm sorry I don't usually cry."
Mike moved over and squeezed her shoulder. I gave her a hug.
In that moment I knew who my real mum was. And it sure as hell wasn't the one who had gotten me arrested.
Cam sniffled. "I just can't believe she'd do that to you," she said. "Were all the things she's done in the past not enough?"
My mind flicked back. All the times Mum had left me. All the times she'd said she'd be there and she wasn't. All the times a man had come first.
I brought my knees to my chest.
It was Mike who noticed it first. He gently pulled me towards him, still allowing me to be near Cam but also making me more protected. "Shh. You're ok. She's not here now. You're safe. You're safe. That's it. Shh. Shh. Stop shaking, there's a good girl. There you go. You're ok. I've got you."
I hadn't even realised I was shaking until Mike pointed it out. I tried to relax my body, though my mind was still racing.
Just then I felt Cam move away from me. I looked up at her.
"Tracy," she said carefully. "When, when I got you arrested before... Was that as scary as this?"
I turned to face her, pulling away from Mike slightly. "I, well, no, not like this. But it was hard." I paused for a moment. "I did leave the house after, remember?"
"I know," said Cam. She took my hand. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I ever did that to you."
I looked her in the eye. "You didn't," I said. "I soon realised that. When I was in there I thought you'd called the police, though I did deserve it. But those messages..."
"I wish I'd never left them," said Cam, interrupting me.
"No, they made me realise you hadn't known where I was," I said. "And then I just felt terrible for what I'd done." I paused for a moment. "Mum smiled when she said she was calling the police. She enjoyed the whole thing. But you, well..." I trailed off.
"I what?"
I sighed: I'd never admitted this to Cam before. "I listened to that last message, about me being arrested, before you deleted it." I paused. "You sounded so worried. As soon as you knew I was in trouble you cared. And that was what made the difference." I looked away from Cam. "I'm so sorry."
Cam wrapped me in a hug, and I hugged her back tight. The experience had been a real challenge for both of us, but our love had pulled us through. We'd been ok because we'd both known where we'd gone wrong.
I knew that my mum was never going to do that.
"I saw Tracy as she was leaving the police station," said Mike. "She told me what she'd done. And she was trying to play it off as nothing, even though I know her enough to know she was a bit shaken." He paused for a moment. "But she was frozen last night. She didn't move until I got out of the car. Last time she was a bit shaken but mostly she knew she'd messed up and was trying to pretend she had it all under control."
I turned and gave him a look. He was completely right of course, but it felt strange to be called out like that, especially in front of Cam. I turned back to Cam and she had a knowing smile on her face.
"This time she was properly hurt."
Cam gave me a squeeze. I knew she was glad to hear that she hadn't done anything terribly wrong, but at the same time was saddened to know just how I was feeling now. I felt broken, like there were little pieces of me that needed putting back together. Thankfully, Mike and Cam were here, slowly rebuilding me.
Cam looked at her watch. "Have you two eaten today? I've had breakfast, I didn't have time to get lunch before I caught my train."
"I had something when I went home," said Mike. He looked to me. "You haven't eaten since yesterday, have you?"
I avoided his gaze. "I barely had breakfast before Mum got here."
Cam gently pushed me away from her and got up. "I'll make us some lunch then," she said. She went into the kitchen. "Sandwiches any good?"
"Sounds great," said Mike. He put his arm round my shoulder. "You think you could manage a sandwich?"
"I'll try," I said.
He gave me a smile. "That's all we ask for." He turned to Cam. "Sandwiches for us both, please."
"Coming right up," said Cam.
Mike gave my shoulder a squeeze, before he got up and went to help Cam. I turned around on the sofa and watched them.
It wasn't long before lunch was made, and Cam put the sandwiches on the table. I got up and took a seat at my place. As I sat down I noted the single slice of bread instead of my usual two, and mentally thanked Cam, knowing it'd be easier on my stomach.
We began to eat.
"How was London?" Mike asked Cam, obviously trying to get some sense of normality back into our lives. "Tracy said you were away for the weekend."
Cam nodded as she swallowed a bite of sandwich. "Yeah, it was good," she said. "There was another writing course going on, I learnt some really interesting things. Actually, we were just working on this really good character development exercise before you called, I was really getting into it."
I put my sandwich down.
Cam turned to me. "That's not what I meant, Tracy. I meant I'm looking forward to finishing it off later. They told us all we needed to know to get it done, so I'll have more time to actually use the techniques."
I couldn't quite believe her, but gave her a small smile anyway.
"I'll have to show you it actually Tracy," said Cam. "I think you'd enjoy it too."
There was an awkward silence.
"Oh, I spoke to Gina," said Mike, turning to me. "I didn't tell her everything that had happened, but said that you're not in today. She said the kids all hope you feel better soon, and she sends her best wishes."
"She won't when she finds out the actual reason," I said. "I remember how she reacted last time."
"That was different," said Mike. "She didn't know you then, and you had made a big mistake. She'll understand this time."
"But she said about my criminal record, despite the fact the charges were dropped." I put my head in my hands. "She's going to make you sack me."
Mike came over and put his hand on my back. "No one is going to make me sack you," he said. "And if Gina tries I will have quite the word with her." He paused for a moment. "It's not the same as last time. Last time the mistake was your fault, you didn't think and you did something stupid. This time you were thrown into a horrible situation and that was the quickest way out. I will never blame you for anything when your mum is involved."
I sighed. What Mike was saying made sense, but I was still nervous for Gina's reaction.
"Come on, Tracy," said Cam gently. "Try and finish your lunch."
I picked up my sandwich and took another bite. Cam gave me a reassuring smile.
Mike sat back down and continued his own lunch.
I slowly but surely made my way through the sandwich. Mike and Cam made some more conversation but I blocked it out, concentrating on my meal. At last it was finished.
Cam got up and took the plates. Mike turned to me.
"I can stay if you want me to, Tracy," he began, "but I think it'd be best if I left you with Cam now."
"Why?" I asked.
"I think you could do with just a relaxing afternoon," he said. "And I think Cam will know what you need. And then you can talk to her about what happened." He paused for a moment. "Do you want me to tell Gina what's been going on, or do you want to wait until you're back at work?"
"Could you tell her?" I didn't think I could face telling Gina what had happened: Mike and Cam had been hard enough.
Mike gave me a smile. "Of course." He got up from his chair. "I'll just go and say goodbye to Cam."
Mike went over to Cam and said his goodbyes. He lowered his voice as he said something else to her, and she nodded.
"Right, well have a good rest of the day if you can, and I'll hopefully see you tomorrow Tracy," said Mike, picking up his bag. "Bye."
"Bye," I said. I watched Mike go out of the front door, before I turned to Cam. She had just finished the washing up, and came to sit next to me at the table.
She placed her hand on mine. "What do you want to do?"
"I don't know." My brain was still fairly foggy, and I wasn't sure what would be best right now.
"Did you want to talk about it, save that until later, or not talk at all?"
I paused for a moment, thinking. "It might make more sense if I explain what went on."
Cam gave me a smile. "Do you want to come and sit on the sofa?"
I nodded, then got up and went over to it. Cam followed and sat down beside me.
I began to explain to Cam what had happened. All the way from Mum screaming at me that I was a failure, how I was nasty to the kids, and me hitting her when nothing else would make her stop, to being arrested, those awful handcuffs, the journey to the station, searching, being locked in, the mental health team, giving DNA samples, the interview, being given my caution...
All the way up until I'd called Mike.
I didn't manage to keep the tears in for very long, and by the end I was shaking. Cam held my hands tightly.
As I finished I looked to the floor, exhausted. Cam pulled me into her arms and held me tight.
"I don't know what to say," there were tears in Cam's voice too. "And you thought I'd be angry? Oh Tracy."
I hugged her back just as tight as she held me.
"I think what you need is a TV day," said Cam. "We'll stay in, if you want to watch something great, if you don't we'll just use it as background noise. We can do whatever you like."
To be honest, it sounded perfect. I really wasn't up to doing much, but relaxing on the sofa with Cam was just what I needed.
Cam let go of me and turned on the TV to some afternoon cooking show. She put her arm round my shoulder as I leant onto her side. I let out a small sigh, finally feeling a little bit safe.
We were there for about half an hour before my phone rang.
I got up to go and find it, having left it in my room. I took it out of me bag before I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Tracy." Mike's voice came through the phone.
"Hi, Mike," I said, going back to the living room and sitting next to Cam. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes, everything's fine," said Mike. He took a slight pause. "I've just spoken to Gina."
I put the phone on loudspeaker so both Cam and I could hear it. "What did she say?"
"She..." Mike's voice sounded muffled as he talked to someone else in the room. "She's just come back, can she tell you herself?"
"Ok," I said.
I heard the phone being passed over.
"Tracy?"
"Yes."
"Oh Tracy, I'm so sorry," Gina began. "I completely overreacted when we first met, and that was wrong of me."
I looked to Cam who gave me a smile.
"I'm not angry," Gina continued. "Mike explained what happened, and the relationship between you and your mum, and while what you did wasn't right, I don't have any bad feelings towards you, and I understand."
I could barely believe what I was hearing. Gina understood and wasn't angry. I wanted to thank her, but the tears were back, stopping me from speaking properly. I'd been so nervous about Gina knowing, and there had been no reason to be.
Thankfully Cam knew what I wanted to say. "Hi Gina," she began. "I've been listening: Tracy put you on loudspeaker, and I just wanted to say thank you. It means a lot that you understand."
"Mike told me how nervous she was." Gina sighed. "And I'm sorry, Tracy. If there's anything you need when you come back to work, just let me know. I'll be here for you."
I gave a small smile.
Cam put her arms around me. "See, everything's ok now. Everyone here just wants to help."
I hugged her back.
"I'll leave you to it," said Gina. "Tracy, you've got my number if you need it."
"I do, thank you."
"See you soon then," said Gina. "Bye."
"Bye," I said. I was about to hang up when I heard the phone being passed back.
"Are you alright?" asked Mike as he took the phone.
"Yeah, I think so," I said. "I wasn't expecting that."
"I'm glad it went that way," said Mike. "I was careful with how I started it, but Gina does understand like we do. You don't deserve your life ruined for it."
I sighed. "If feels ruined at the moment."
Mike's voice softened. "I know it does, Trace." He paused for a moment. "I'll pop round tonight after work, see how you're doing."
"You don't have to," I said. "You've been here a lot, you can have some time off."
Mike chuckled. "I want to check you're ok anyway. You should know what I'm like by now."
A small smile came to my lips. I certainly did!
"Anyway, I'd better get back to work," said Mike. "I'll see you later."
"See you later," I said, before the phone hung up. I turned to Cam.
"See, we knew she'd understand," she said, holding me close. "You really didn't do as bad a thing as you think you did." She paused for a moment. "You've been in a cell two times too many."
I looked at her in confusion. "Two times?"
Cam rubbed her hand over her face. "I should never have put you in one before. I was angry and I wanted to teach you a lesson, but it should have been me teaching you that lesson, not a police officer." Tears came to Cam's eyes and she pushed me away. She then got up and went to her bedroom.
I watched her as she went, knowing it was best to leave her alone for a few minutes, though tears were coming to my own eyes.
Five minutes later Cam still hadn't come out. I cautiously went to her door and gave it a knock.
There was no answer. All I could hear from the other side of the door was Cam's sniffles.
"Please Cam," I said. "Let me in."
"I'll be out in a minute," said Cam. "You don't need to worry about me."
"Please," I said. "I want to come in."
There was a pause, before Cam spoke. "Ok."
I opened the door. Cam was sitting on her bed, her face stained with tears. I sat down next to her.
"I'm as bad as her," said Cam. "I'm supposed to protect you."
"You're also supposed to teach me when I've done wrong," I said. "I spent £6,000 of your money, that's not right."
"You ran away from home," said Cam. "I put you in a cell then you ran away from home." She put her head in her hands and sobbed.
I'd never seen Cam this upset. I wasn't sure what to do.
"I don't know how you ever forgave me."
"Because you forgave me."
Cam turned to face me.
"That's why I ran away," I said. "I heard your messages, realised just how angry you were, and didn't want to have to face that until I'd had some time to think of what I was going to do to make things right. It was completely my fault. And if anything the station knocked some sense into me about just how serious what I'd done was."
"So why was this time so bad when that time was ok?"
I sighed. "Because it was Mum. You know what she's like. She deliberately went out of her way to hurt me. And I got put in a cell for trying to stop her."
An understanding came to Cam's face. She put her hand on my shoulder. "So I really wasn't bad?"
I shook my head. "No. You weren't bad at all."
Cam gave me a smile.
"Come on," I said, "let's go back to the living room."
We spent the rest of the afternoon watching the TV. It was a good distraction, and gave us both time to relax after what had happened.
It seemed like no time at all before there was a knock at the door. Cam went to open it, and I heard Mike's voice.
"Hi," he said as he came through from the hall. "How're you doing?"
"Better," I said truthfully. The chats I'd had today had really helped my mind to settle down.
Mike gave me a smile. "I'm glad to hear." He sat next to me on the sofa. "Do you think you'll be ready for work tomorrow? Or would you like some more time off?"
I thought for a moment. "I think I'll be ready."
The last two days had been awful. But with Mike and Cam supporting me things were starting to look better, and I felt I was ready to face the world again and get back to normality.
Mike's smile grew. I knew he was relieved that the worst was far behind us. His face then turned slightly serious. "Let me know if you change your mind. If you're feeling ok I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, but if you start to feel worse you're allowed more time to heal."
I gave him a small smile. "Thank you."
Mike gave my shoulder a squeeze, before he stood up. "If it's alright with you I'll head home and get some dinner." He turned to Cam. "I'd better let you two get some as well."
"I'm just about to put it on."
"Sounds good." Mike turned back to me. "Hopefully see you tomorrow, have a good rest tonight."
"I will."
"Bye then," Mike said as he went to the door.
"Bye."
Cam showed him out before going into the kitchen. I watched her as she started the dinner, and my stomach rumbled in anticipation.
"I heard that," said Cam laughing. "I'll make sure to give you a big portion!"
I laughed too.
It was soon time to go to bed. Dinner had been good, and after not eating much for the past couple of days had been very welcome, and then we'd spent the rest of the evening watching a film. I'd just changed into my pyjamas when Cam knocked on the door.
"Come in."
Cam gave me a smile as she entered. "Just wanted to come and say goodnight."
I gave her a smile back, sitting on the bed.
Cam came and sat beside me.
"Thank you for coming back," I said, mu voice breaking slightly. "I don't know what I would have done without you."
"Of course, I wouldn't have dreamed of staying once I knew," said Cam. "You would have been ok though, you had Mike with you."
I gave her a small smile, my eyes serious. "I needed my mum today."
Cam looked very confused. "Your mum? But..." She paused for a moment. "Tracy, you're going to have to explain that one. What on earth do you mean?"
I gave her a look. "Well, my mum certainly isn't the one who called the police."
Cam still looked confused. I think the stress of the day had worn her out. Then she suddenly clicked.
"Oh, Tracy." I was wrapped in a tight hug.
"You're the best mum I've ever had."
Cam pulled away slightly, wiping her eye. "Oh don't, you'll set me off."
I giggled, but there were tears in my eyes too.
We sat there for a few moments, before Cam squeezed my hand. "Come on, into bed. You wanted to chat tonight, didn't you?"
I got into bed. I pulled the blanket Mike had given me over myself first, before pulling the duvet over. "I mean, we talked a lot earlier. Can you tell me a good time? We never got that far."
Cam had gotten up to allow me to lay down, and sat on my desk chair, bringing it over to me. She put her hand to my hair and began to gently stroke it. "Let me have a think. It's got to be something special if I want to offset what you said."
There was a moment of silence. I was thinking of holidays, of days out, of birthdays and Christmases and other celebrations. So when Cam finally answered I was taken by surprise.
"When I came back from New York this time."
I looked at her, puzzled.
"You must remember," said Cam.
"I remember," I said, "but surely it wasn't that special."
Cam let out a small laugh. "I remember it like it was yesterday. I actually jumped for joy when I saw you. And then I lifted you up off the ground!"
It was coming back to me properly now. "I called you my real mum then, didn't I?"
Cam nodded. "And then you lay your head on my shoulder for what must have been half an hour."
It was clear as day. Suddenly I remembered that day, all the anxiety that Cam and I didn't belong together anymore after she'd been away for so long, and the relief I'd felt when I realised I was completely wrong.
I closed my eyes, a feeling of security coming to me.
Cam continued to stroke my hair. "Go to sleep, Tracy. I'll be here in the morning."
As the thoughts in my head faded I slowly felt myself drifting away.
I'd been through hell and back since my mum had arrived. The damage she'd caused ran deep, and I knew I wasn't over it yet.
But I was finally at peace.
Cam was here, and Mike was here if I needed him too.
I had people around me to look after me.
And I didn't need Mum anymore.
That was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.
I had people who loved me, and valued me for who I was.
And I didn't need Mum.