Of course part of the reason for your insanity is because you're bored out of your mind... and there's also the fact that no person should spend more than two days in the Time Chamber.
You hear a knock on the Time Chamber's door; the knock doesn't sound quick, which means that someone must be adjusting for the time dilation of the Time Chamber.
"What the? Who goes there?" You say in a voice that sounds like a pale imitation of a Clone Trooper. You go to the door and adjust your nonexistent wrist comm.
"Dakteam? Are you alright in there?" CT-827 says in a slightly muffled voice from the wrist comm.
"Yeah, I'm fine commander. It's just me CT-828, what's up, have the clankas fled?"
"What the fuck?" The voice on your wrist comm says. "How long have you been in there?"
"Um commander? Is everything alright?" You then pause and when you speak again, your voice showcases worry. "Wait a second don't tell me, has Master Kyros been captured by the Separatists?"
"What? No! You- what the fuck? Dakteam, you need to get out of there"-
"COMMANDER!"
"Sir?" You turn to see a bright blue construct of a Clone Trooper. "Is everything alright?"
"No it isn't Slicer." You say sternly. "The Separatists have captured Master Kyros and have clearly mind controlled the commander."
"What?! What do you mean?" Slicer says.
"I mean the commander has been brainwashed into believing the Republic is the enemy and to serve the New Order!"
"I'm opening the door." Hilda says.
"No wait!" You shout.
The wood door slowly opens.
"Alright men, hold battle positions!" You shout. In response, your construct Clone Troopers nod as they get into position with Slicer taking his spot by your side.
As the doors open, you see the first actual sunlight in... you lost track of the time.
Someone... you recognize, is standing there. It's Hinsman. He has a shoulder length red hair and abnormally large fists. He is wearing browns battle armor with a red cloak. He look at you, and his face shows nothing but hatred.
"Commander Hinsman?" You ask. "Is everything alright?"
"Dakteam, what the fuck is wrong"-
Immediately Slicer started firing on "Hinsman". The shots are deflected as "Hinsman" walks into the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.
"Slicer hold your fire!" You shout as you grab his gun.
"Wha-"
"Slicer, do you realize who this man is? It's our commander so stop firin'!"
"My name is Hilda. Dakteam, do you remember me? You are not a Clone Trooper"-
"Commander Hinsman! I am in your debt! I could've sworn that the clankas got you!"
"Dakteam, say this with me: I am one with the force, and the force is with me."
"I am... one with the force, and the force is with me." You repeat.
"Look out!" Slicer screams as "Hinsman" charges at you. He tackles you to the floor of the Time Chamber.
"What the hell Slicer?! Stand down!" You shout as you push him off you.
"The republic will fall! The Jedi will fall! The Sith will live again!" He screams.
"You're speaking crazy talk Slicer!" You shout. "Trust me we are fine! The commander is here to help us!"
"I am one with the force, and the force is with me." "Hinsman" says.
This last sentence causes something in Slicer to break and he winds up collapsing to the floor.
"Wait a second, S-Slicer..." You say, your voice filled with concern as Slicer began to fade away. "S-S-Something is... wrong."
"The Jedi will... will..." Slicer whispers and then he falls silent as he disappears.
"I am one with the force, and the force is with me." Hil... Hins... Hildinsman says as h-... her... hands are outstretched towards you.
You reach out to grab Hin... Hins... Hilda at first when you then feel yourself stop and your eyes slowly widening with realization.
"Com... Lord... Hilda, what's... where am I?" You say, panicking.
You then start looking around frantically and see that your Clone Trooper compatriots are nowhere to be found. "Where are my brothers?!" You ask with a panicked tone.
"I am one with the force, and the force is with me." Lord Hilda says.
Suddenly a bright light blinds you followed by an ear shattering sound. You remember your backstory, your name, and... everything. All of your battles... all of your brothers-...
"They all weren't real..." You mutter to yourself as you begin shedding tears.
"No... no... this can't be... this is a nightmare! Hilda, what the hell is going on?!"
"You have been in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber for 2 outside months." Hilda explains.
You pause. "Two months? Wait so if one day equals a year then... holy shit. I've spent... I've spent..." You can't even get the words out.
"Commander, we are victorious! All forces on Dantooine are yours! The republic is yours! We pledge our loyalty to you!" You immediately turn to face your... "Clone Trooper" ally.
"You're... not real." You say with a voice full of horror.
"C-Commander?" The construct asks concerned.
"Get out of here!" You say. "Move! Flee!"
"Sir..."
"GO! I-I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU!"
"You have created an entire universe out of force constructs?" Hilda asks.
"Stop! You're making it worse!" You shout as you hold your head in pain.
"I mean... you created a force illusion this realistic; this is eerily accurate"-
"STOP! I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" You shout as you immediately power up to a deep PURPLE form... Your hair grew down to your ankles. All of your hair turned PURPLE; your eyes are now a deep red.
"What have you done to the commander?!" The "Clone Trooper" shouts at Hilda.
Hilda looks at the "Clone Trooper" in concern. "Are you an actual living being?"
"Dakteam! Rookie! What is"- The familiar voice of-... Rex.
"Captain?" You ask as you turn to see the familiar face of... Captain Rex? "No, no you aren't real... you aren't real!" You shout.
"Rookie?" Captain Rex asks with confusion.
"S-Stay back!" You shout.
"But, you need to come home. You are clearly in need of some physical and mental relaxation." Captain Rex says as he starts walking towards you.
"You..." You start to speak, but you're interrupted by the sudden sound of several blasters going off.
"Argh! Clanka constructs! Well, looks like I'll have to use some of my old skills again! Dust off those training drills!" Rex says as he swoops in, grabs you, and weaves around the construct-clanka's blaster bolts.
"Die Republic dogs!" The construct-Battle Droids shout as they continued firing.
Rex fights off the fake clankas as you struggle to maintain your PURPLE form. This is all too much. All of this is just so much.
"Hold on Rookie! We won't be in this mess for long!" Rex says as he starts pulling you towards the door of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.
"We can't! They're coming out of the chamber! We're surrounded!"
"Not for long." Rex says. "Once we leave this chamber, those construct-tinnies will disappear."
"What?" Hilda asks, confused. "What the fuck? Construct-... what?"
"Come on!" Rex growls as he starts running towards the exit of the chamber.
"What?"
"I'll explain on the way!"
Rex dives out of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. You fly through the air and roll on the brickwork outside of it, down the steps. He grabs your hand and pulls you to your feet.
"Come on!" He shouts as he pulls you out of the room.
Hilda closes the wooden door and the clankas stop advancing. "What the fuck is going on?!" You shout.
Rex peeks inside. "I don't believe it... the clankas are still around. They've completely infested the chamber."
"They're real." Hilda says in disbelief.
"What the hell is going on?" You say as the pain of actual light on your skin reawakens your perception of time.
"Where am I?" You ask.
"You're on Kami's Lookout, Rookie." Rex tells you, in a reassuring tone. He then hands you a pill. "Here. This will sedate you until we figure out what the hell is going on."
You look at the pill in confusion. "What is this?"
"It's something that should give you a nice good rest." Rex says. Thinking that sounded reasonable enough, you took the pill.
You slowly but surely drifted off into a deep slumber.
You slowly awake in a metal room.
"So he thought he was a Clone Trooper?" Rex asks Hilda. "Well I guess at the very least he took the training seriously."
"He created an entire war construct inside of the Time Chamber; he also doomed several imagined Clone Troopers to destruction. He needs to be actually trained by a Force user to prevent this shit from occurring again." Hilda says. "I can train him; after deciding to spend 60 years with his own thoughts, he shouldn't be left alone. He's too unstable."
"I wish you luck on that. I mean I don't think I'll be able to handle the training process. I'm way past my prime for that."
"Captain? What's going on?" Rex and Hilda turn to see the face of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"General Kenobi, Dakteam's gone mental." Rex says, sighing. "We... haven't figured out how and why yet."
"I think I can speak about what happened. Dakteam spent the majority of his time in the chamber training which is fine in that his combat abilities and his skills in other areas have greatly improved... but the thing about training in isolation is that you should always take breaks and have resting periods. Dakteam evidentially never did any of that and as such he wound up driving himself mad." Obi-Wan said as he lightly stroked his beard. "It's a good thing you gave him a moment to rest when you did because otherwise his mind would've most certainly been too far gone."
"Indeed he would've." A familiar... old voice called out, prompting everyone to turn and see the face of a familiar green Jedi Master.
"Master Yod"- Obi-Wan was cut off by the sound of you screaming.
"OH NO! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME SPACE PEDO! I DON'T WANT MY TIBBIES BIBBIED! PLEASE DON'T TIBBIE MY BIBBIES! PLEASE FUCK NO!" You scream.
"... Ahrm. Molested... by my counterpart, Bigger Yoda, he was." Yoda realizes.
"... I- Bigger Yoda- what the fuck? This shit-" Hilda is... fucking done. "Bigger Yoda. Yare yare daze..."
"Sound strange I know it must but it's true." Yoda said. "A dark experiment it was by practitioners of the MEEM Side of the Force. Informed of this by my source, Bigger Luke, I was."
"What the fuck are you even talking about Yoda?" Hilda asks. "Bigger Luke?"
"Nobody knows where he came from." Yoda said. "But he exists."
"I think I've heard of it." Rex said. "I believe it was around the time that Cody became the Omni-King of Universe 800. He told me that there was an influx of slightly bigger clones in that universe that were transitioning over to the 7th."
"... What the fuck?" Hilda asks.
"Oh you didn't hear?" Obi-Wan asked. "Commander Cody was chosen to be the next candidate not too long after the Grinch incident happened."
"He was chosen? Chosen for what?"
"To be the next Clonus candidate of course... at least, that was what that universe's Grand Minister referred to them as."
"... I thought Pleakley erased that Grand Minister after they were discovered to be sending the Grinch their energy." Hilda says, confused.
"He did." Yoda says. "Erased Grand Minister Jumba he did but recently, they've gotten a replacement Grand Minister. Difficult it was to choose but eventually, they settled on Bigger Chick Hicks."
"... Bigger Chick Hicks can reach forms such as Kachigga Hakigga Ultimate Fuckatronic. Ultimate Fuckatronic can reach forms such as Ouk Gan Ha Ok Gaa." Hilda remembers.
"Which is why he was chosen." Yoda said. "The most powerful and worthwhile candidate he was."
"Right. And Dakteam's condition is... while not critical, necessarily, he- why the hell are we on about Bigger Luke crap when we're supposed to be worrying about"-
"Understand we do Captain, my sincere apologies." Yoda said.
You sit up, trying to understand this shit. "What're you saying Yoda? Bigger Luke, what're you talking about?"
"What we're saying son is that you spent your time believing yourself to be CT-828." Rex said as he looked at a scan. "In fact... oh my goodness. Dakteam, you managed to make this construct so believable that you manifested an inhibitor chip inside your head."
"What?!" You ask.
"In fact, it hasn't disappeared." Rex said. "We have to remove the chip... wait what's going on with your DNA?"
"It's... light blue. Some... extensions have been added to it- Oh- Karabast, that's Clone DNA!" Rex shouts.
"What?" Hilda asks.
"For 60 years- Dakteam, the Clone Wars took place between 22 BBY and 19 BBY! Three years! You've been in a war for sixty years?!"
"Holy shit..." You say, the panic inside you once again rising. "Which means all those clones, they've been..."
"This is a complete disaster. A complete and utter disaster." Rex says as he inspects the readouts. "We Clones felt the strain a year into it but you've put yourself through sixty years of hell..."
Rex realizes something as he puts a hand to his chin. "We have to get you to the Supreme Kai of Universe 69420... SpongeBob Squarepants!"
"SpongeBob?" You ask. "Wait, what..."
"He's a petite, kind soul who holds a great connection to nature. He can treat this!" Rex said. "He can also reach his Super Esponja Ultra Instinto Dios Máximo form!"
"My sudden use of language, please forgive but what the fuck?" Yoda asks.
"M-... Master Yoda, n-NANI?!" Rex asks.
"Let's stay on topic." Obi-Wan said. "If taking Dakteam to this Supreme Kai will help him then we should do it."
"Yes, there's no other choice." Master Yoda said.
While this was going on, Hilda sent a telepathic message to someone who she remembered sending off to train with the spongy one of Universe 69420 and before they knew it, he showed up.
"You called for me my master?" Jiren asked.
"Jiren, bring Dakteam to the Supreme Kai of Universe 69420, SpongeBob Squarepants, and inform their Grand Minister, Shaggy Rojo."
"Yes, my master." Jiren says before disappearing with you in his arms.
You were carefully set down on a piece of solid ground by Jiren and when you looked up, you saw both... SpongeBob and a Shaggy who had bright silver hair and was wearing a red shirt and a... balding Gohan who had bright silver hair, blue skin and was wearing a... God of Destruction outfit?
"Like what brings you here Jiren?" Shaggy Rojo asks.
"Please forgive the disturbance, I have come with a mortal from the 7th who needs the assistance of the spongy one." Jiren explains.
"... Very well, man." Shaggy Rojo says, grabbing you by the arms and taking you to the spongy one. "So what can I do for you my friend?" SpongeBob asks.
"You're SpongeBob?" You ask.
"In the flesh!" SpongeBob says with a laugh.
"And you're..."
"The Supreme Kai? Why yes I am." SpongeBob said. "After Rolf's untimely passing, we needed both a new God of Destruction and of course a new Supreme Kai. Mr. Krabs vouched for me and before I knew it, I got the job!" After SpongeBob let out another laugh, his expression turned slightly more serious. "That being said, what can I do for you buddy?"
"I need your help, you see... I spent some time in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber for the sake of training. Originally I did this to master a couple techniques and utilize a move I had learned from Master Kenobi called Force Construct. Unfortunately, I lost track of time and before I knew it, I was in the middle of a complete replica of the Clone Wars and had wound up spending two whole months inside which if you know what that translates to inside the chamber, you'd... well you know. As a result, I've managed to successfully add Clone DNA to myself and I recreated the inhibitor chip inside my head which is not disappearing and because of this, Rex recommended I see you." You explain.
"Hmm... well that indeed sounds serious." SpongeBob said as he rubbed his chin.
"So, can you help me?" You ask.
"Help you? Of course I can help you!" SpongeBob said happily. "I wouldn't be a good neighbor if I didn't help someone in need. Now just wait here, it will take only a few moments." Before you knew it, a big live-action pirate hand appeared and grabbed you. At first you were about to panic... when you felt yourself suddenly getting a good cleaning, as in you were being scrubbed down thoroughly by sponges and more and as this went on, you felt the chip... disappearing! After a few more seconds of this (Which was strangely accompanied by calming Hawaiian music and sea shanties.), you wound up being placed back in front of SpongeBob completely cured. "There we go!" SpongeBob said cheerfully. "Now I believe you're feeling better, wouldn't you say?"
"How... did you..."
"I have my ways." SpongeBob said with a laugh. "Thank you so much, SpongeBob sir!"
"You're most welcome!" SpongeBob said. "I'm always willing to help!"
You made your way to Jiren who set a hand on your shoulder.
"Thank you so much for your assistance." Jiren said as he bowed his head.
"Like it's no problem man!" Shaggy Rojo said. "The spongy one is always here to help."
"No seamos tan dramáticos, Shaggy. " Gohan Calvo said. "Recuerda que prefiere que lo llamen Bob Esponja y no 'el esponjoso'."
"Oh that's quite alright Mr. Calvo." SpongeBob replied. "I mean he is just trying to be formal."
"Correcto. Mis disculpas." Gohan Calvo replied.
"Anyways, I hope you all have a safe journey home!" With that said, Jiren nodded again and before you knew it, you were back with Hilda and Rex.
"So... did SpongeBob cure you of your... Clone Trooper disease?" Rex asks.
You smile. "Yep! I'm all cured now."
At that moment, you collapse and begin snoring very loudly.
You wake up inside a little room. Your stomach is growling, you're incredibly parched and you're also... very ripped. When your eyes completely open, a familiar voice sounds off.
"Oh thank goodness you're awake." You turn to see Shrek. "Y'know when Lord Hilda told me 'bout what happened to ya? I almost couldn't believe it."
"Shrek is that you?" You ask in a very odd accent.
"Yep it's me." Shrek said with a nod.
"How... how long was I asleep?"
"Oh a couple days I reckon. Here, take a Senzu."
You grab the bean carefully and slowly bite into it. You haven't had a Senzu Bean in a long while so the taste itself took a bit to get used to but you quickly managed and before you knew it, you were back to being in your top condition.
You look at Shrek and smile.
"Thanks Shrek."
"No problem."
You still remember... your brothers-
You lightly grasp your head. "What difference does it make if they were constructs?" You asked. "They were still my brothers."
"And they still are." Rex says, with constructs walking behind him.
"What's up Dakteam?" Slicer asked, prompting you to stare with a face full of shock and emotion.
"S-S-S-S... Sli-cer?" You stutter.
He nods. "It's me. Remember? Your brother?"
You begin to cry as you hug Slicer very tightly. As you pressed your head against his shoulder. Slicer pats your back slowly.
"The Captain filled me in." Slicer said.
"Uh... yes, CT-... what is your designation, Trooper?"
"Just call me Slicer."
You pull away and wipe your eye a bit. "Slicer I... I'm so sorry I put you through 60 years of hell."
Hearing this, Hilda's expression... changed.
"I just... I can't..." Hilda says. "How the fuck"- She Instant Transmissions away suddenly.
"No sweat my friend." Slicer said. "I mean no one goes into the chamber with the expectation they'd go insane and create an entire war scenario that they'd live out for 60 years. That kind of thing just doesn't come up."
At that point, you then realize that you probably needed to go and see Hilda. With that in mind you lightly push Slicer away. "If you don't mind brother, I'm gonna go see a friend."
"Of course brother." Slicer said. "Do what you need to do." You then give Slicer a warm smile as you Instant Transmission to Hilda.
You Instant Transmissioned to her temple, and... she wasn't there.
"H-h-h-hello?" You ask.
"Oh Dakteam, hello." Whis said. "You're here to arrange a meeting I trust?"
"Yeah, is Hilda around?"
"Lord Hilda. Hmm, I think she said she was going to go see her mother for awhile. Now I'd recommend that you do not go out and see her right away since... wait you're still here?"
You nod. "Yeah, I'm just gonna wait for her right here if that's okay with you?"
"Oh that's... no problem." Whis said, completely surprised by your showcase of maturity. "Well if you're gonna wait here, would you like a meal? Lady Bulma prepared a lovely feast and I think you'd absolutely love these delicacies."
"With all due respect, I am not hungry." You say with an odd accent.
"Oh... okay." At that point, Goku walked up.
"Yo Dakteam!" Goku shouted happily. "You wanna join the feast?"
"With all due respect my friend, I'm good." You reply.
"Ah... got it." Goku says. "Why are you talking funny?"
You clear your throat. "Excuse me. I... have been through a lot."
"Hey no worries. Actually I kinda like the accent, it kinda reminds me of this guy I used to train with. I think his name was... Fives? Yeah, Fives." Goku said.
"CT-5555?" You ask, in your Clone Trooper accent.
"Yeah, that's the one... I think." Goku said. "He never really said that name to me though."
"Really?" You asked. "How did that come about?"
"Oh it was weird, he came up to me going on about some inhibiting chip thing and he said I came up in some Galactic Registry of known special people and of course I didn't think much of it and I trained him. In fact he was a really good training partner!"
"Where is he now?" You ask.
"Last I heard, he utilized Mastered Ultra Instinct and ended up avoiding being shot down by some other troopers but other than that, I don't know."
"He did?" You ask, with slight excitement.
"Yeah. Crazy huh?"
"Well, now I'm gonna go visit a friend, the proper way." You say.
"Alright." Goku said. "Good luck with that!"
You briefly smile at that comment as you start raising two fingers to your forehead, before you teleport away though, Goku stops you.
"Before you go though I just have to ask, did you master Instant Transmission?" You nod.
"Yep." You say in your Clone Trooper accent. "I've mastered both the original and a variation where I can go to a place and not a person."
"Ooh... can you teach me that variation?" Goku asked.
"Sure, at some point." You say. "I'm sure you can figure it out quickly."
"Awesome!" Goku said. "But wait, how did you master the original Instant Transmission?"
"Oh I spent two months inside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber." You said.
"Oh... I might have to try that sometime." Goku said.
"Um... bud, I wouldn't do th-"
"In fact, I think I'll bring Vegeta along and try going for TEN months!" Goku said excitedly. "I mean who knows how much stronger I'd get doing that!"
"Um..." You said.
"Goku, do you even know how long that'd be?" Whis asked.
"Um... Chi-Chi would know!"
"Three-hundred years." You say. "It'd be three-hundred years."
"WHAT?!" Goku yells out.
At that point, Vegeta who had just been training and barely paying attention to what was being said came over to Goku in a matter of seconds.
"HELL NO KAKAROT!" Vegeta screamed as he gripped Goku's shirt collar. "THERE'S NO WAY AND I MEAN NO WAY I'M SPENDING THREE-HUNDRED YEARS WITH YOU!"
"Well in that case..." An idea came to Goku's mind. "I got it! I'll go see if Beerus would like to join me. In fact, I'm sure he'd be so strong, he'd be willing to spend... um quick question, ten times ten would be twenty right?"
"... B"-
In that second, Goku Instant Transmissioned away with his hand on Vegeta.
"Whis, how long would that actually be?" You ask.
"About 3,000 years." Whis said casually. You just couldn't say anything, that just sounded... how in the hell Vegeta and Beerus were gonna last doing that you had no clue.
At the moment, you knew the three were arguing in a space far, far away from your location.
"He can't be serious." You said.
"Oh but he is." Whis said. "Goku's desire to get stronger is far stronger than anything I've ever seen. He'll go for truly the most absurd training regimens."
"I... before I see Hilda, I'm going to tell at least Chi-Chi about this. Knowing Goku there's... no goddamn way I'll be able to stop this."
You knew full well that once Goku set his mind to something, especially when it was training-related? Stopping him would become impossible.
At that moment, you teleported away.
"MY GOKU'S DOING WHHAAAT?!" Chi-Chi screamed.
"I can assure you ma'am this information is valid." You say sheepishly in your Clone Trooper accent.
At that point, Bulma who was also there, sighed as she stood up, her expression showcasing clear frustration.
"There is no way in hell I'm letting Goku keep Vegeta there for that long." Bulma said.
"I would be very careful if I were you, this is likely just the beginning." Chi-Chi warned.
Before you knew it, Bulma calmly took in a deep breath and suddenly went Mastered Ultra Instinct.
"I'm going to head up to that Saiyan and give him a piece of my mind!" Bulma shouted right before she flew off.
"I'm... going to see my friend now." You say to Chi-Chi.
"Bye..." She says, not even looking at you as you leave.
As you were Instant Transmissioning to Hilda's house in... does she still live there?
You then turn to see someone who happened to be walking by who you recognized as... David was it? You realized at that point you had no idea on what Hilda's past really was. However, you still decided to speak with this person. "Uh, you're one of Hilda's buddies, I think. David, was it?"
David...? stares at you, a 100-year-old man with a lumberjack beard with a tank top on, a torn black and purple gi, a scar on your eye, ripped as fuck muscles and hair that extended down to your asscrack.
He hides behind his friend... Frida... you think?... and whimpers. "Who is that? Why is he here? F-Frida...?!"
"I... think we should run." Frida says.
You hold out a hand. "No wait, I need to talk to you about Hilda, I'm a friend of hers!"
David stares at you, shaking his head. "No... no..."
"Trust me, there's nothing to be afraid of." You say. "Everything's gonna be ok-" At that point, you felt a little foot hit you in the dick which caused you to collapse to your knees.
"Aagh! Kriffin'...!" You say before you stare at David calmly.
"I need to ask you about Hilda." You emphasize.
"Why?" Frida questions.
"Well, she's been MIA for a little while and I'm really worried about her." You answer.
"Wait... did she get drafted into a military?" Frida asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Um... not quite." You say.
"No, go away you paedophile." Frida says, bluntly.
You stare in shock. "What?"
"I said, go away you paedophile." Frida repeats.
"I'm not a... oh karabast." You say as you look down at your hands and realize you look like a hulking monstrosity of a person. You look like a rejected slasher movie villain.
"Look, my friend"-
"No! She's not here! Go away!" Frida says, getting into a fighting position.
"Alright." You say calmly. "Sorry I-" At that moment, the police suddenly tackled you. You struggle for a moment, surprised. "Let me go! I'm not a"-
"Wait a second, is that you Rookie?" You look up and see the face of someone familiar.
"Wait a second, Echo?" You ask.
"Yeah, it's me. What are you doing here brother?"
"I'm... looking for my friend, Hilda." You say.
"Oh yeah, Hilda. She moved away from here 5 years ago."
"She did?" You ask to which Echo nodded. "Well where is she now?"
"She... lives far from here."
"What do you mean?" You ask.
"Let me put it this way... how well do you know your Norse mythology?"
Kratos at the moment was chopping wood for a fire while Hilda and her mum spoke in his home.
Kratos drops the piece of wood he's holding and heads towards the fireplace.
"Boy, help me with this." At that moment, Atreus comes to his father's aid and helps him unload the log piles into the fireplace.
Kratos heads towards the door of his home. "I am going to make Hilda and her mother some dinner. Continue to chop this wood, boy."
At that moment, Kratos heard the sound of someone appearing outside. Right then and there, Atreus reached for his knife when Kratos lightly grabbed his shoulder.
"No boy, we are a peaceful family." Kratos said sternly.
Kratos walks outside and sees you... a man who quite frankly looks like a fucking horrific monstrosity.
"Are you the one called Kratos?" You ask.
"I am... and who are you stranger?" Kratos asks sternly.
"I am Dakteam." You say.
"What do you want?"
"Well, I actually came here to see my friend Hilda."
Kratos knocks on the door. "Hilda, a friend of yours has come to see you."
Silence.
"Hmmm... she seems to be avoiding the situation."
"What does that mean?" You ask.
"It means she's probably needing her space." Kratos said. At this point Atreus came out, he was holding a knife.
"Boy..." Kratos began sternly. "I told you, we're not that kind of family." Atreus hangs his head low as he set his knife back in his sheathe.
"I understand sir." You say. "My apologies for bothering you." With that said, you Instant Transmission away.
You appear in Tremorton. You look around and you see that you're in Tremorton High... and you see that just about every student is terrified of what they're looking at.
Even the Crust Cousins.
"Well..." You say as you look around. "This is awkward."
"Oh my god, it's fucking Satan!" One of them shouts.
"NO, it's not! It's... me! Dakteam!" You shout.
"You're fucking Satan!"
"No, I'm not! I swear to god!"
"EVERYONE RUN! SATAN'S HERE!"
"No! I..." Suddenly every student starts scattering all the while fearfully screaming.
You just stare at the scene in front of you completely dumbfounded.
At that moment, you happen to spot Vice Principal Razinski who froze with a look of fear as soon as he spotted you.
"Hey Mr. Razinski..." You say sheepishly with your Clone Trooper accent.
"Demon!" Razinski screamed as he ran away.
"Oh no, no demon's attacking my school." You turn to spot a familiar teenage robot.
"Jenny!" You say. "Oh thank kriffin' goodness you're here, listen it's not what it lo-" Suddenly you felt a brutal punch to your gut that sent you flying out of the building.
"What the fuck!" You sputter as you sit up. "I'm not a fucking de-"
"Wait... Dakteam?" Jenny asked as she flew up.
"Yes, it's me!" You shout.
Jenny starts floating down to you and lands. "Are... Are you OK?"
"I'm fine..." You say as you stand up fully with Jenny doing a double-take at your... drastic new appearance.
"You are honestly the most terrifying person I've seen." Jenny says, honesty in her voice.
"Yeah, I'm noticing that's becoming a theme." You say.
"Why do you sound like a Clone Trooper?"
"Uh... muffin button?" You say.
Jenny stares at you, confused and concerned.
"OK... I don't have time to explain why I sound like a Clone. All you need to know is that I wound up fighting the Clone Wars for 60 years and now I look like this."
"... The Clone Wars only took place between 22 BBY and 19 BBY. You're only 40 years old."
"Well... I used to be. Then I spent two months in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber which converts itself to 60 years and... I kind of went mental in that time." You explain.
"That's why you look so old?"
"Yes. I am now 100 years old."
"For a hundred years old, you look physically... way past healthy." Jenny says, taking note of your extremely buff appearance. "Dakteam, seriously this is incredibly scary."
"I know." You say. "So I'm wondering, can I... crash at your place? Just until I get a shower and a shave."
"Sure. If my mother were still on her vacation from the Afterlife, you would freak her out."
"Oh no doubt." You say.
At that point, you could hear a car swerving immediately into the front of a nearby business.
"I should probably keep a low profile." You say.
"HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT!" You heard a citizen shout. "IT'S THE END OF DAYS!"
"RUN!" The entire city seems to have been overtaken by panic.
"Wait hold on a moment." You then turn to see an older gentleman walking by. "Hey mister! Is there somethin' wrong with me?"
The older gentleman looks at you. You have a large abomination for a head that over juts out of your mouth. Your teeth are the size of daggers and they're more akin to rocks than any natural material. Your eyes are completely black, giving you an appearance of pure hatred.
"Holy fuck, a demon!"
"Wait, no I'm..." The older gentleman kicks you in the dick and collapses on their back, their foot broken and they start to convulse as they stare at the broken fuckin' bone jutting out of their ankle.
"Run, demon!" Another citizen shouts.
"I'm not a kriffin' demon!" You shout in your Clone Trooper accent. "I am Dakte-"
"IT'S THE ANTICHRIST!" A citizen shouts.
"I'm not the Antichrist! I am..."
"AND IT TRIES TO DECEIVE US!"
"... I can't take much more of this. I need a shave and a shower." You say.
"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!"
Jenny leads you out of this shit; leading you to her home where you crash. You shower and shave, both of which are strange sensations for you considering that you've spent 60 years without doing either of those things.
After drying yourself off, you step out and quickly realize that no towel can properly wrap around your ripped-ass frame.
"Oh, karabast! My head hurts and I need a Klon-Don." You groan.
"Klon-Don?" Jenny asks.
"It's a... you know what nevermind. It's Clone Trooper terminology." You say.
"How do you know so much about Clone Troopers?"
"I... brought a few Star Wars lorebooks into the chamber with me and studied them." You say.
"Did you now?"
"Yeah, from that I ended up getting a damn-near encyclopedic knowledge of the universe which led to me just recreating the entire Clone Wars without thinking about it. Oh and I also downloaded the entire The Clone Wars cartoon and put that on a PS Vita which I marathoned while in there."
"That can not be healthy." Jenny says.
"Yeah, well it certainly wasn't healthy for my mind. In that time, I had ended up creating an entire-ass universe inside the chamber and lived in it for 60 years. Hell, this was so detailed it even included a Force-construct of Palpatine and I wound up recreating the inhibitor chip in my head and giving myself Clone DNA."
"... You fucking created an entire real universe of Star Wars; yeah, that was no longer an illusion at a certain point. That takes some serious mental stability... in the worst possible way."
"I know." You said. "I had totally kriffed myself up."
"Case in point."
"And then there's the accent." You say, temporarily reverting to your normal voice. "I... can't stop it."
"You need to rest." Jenny says.
"I... need to do more than rest." You say. "I need to fucking hibernate. I... I need therapy. I need someone who can guide me through this."
"You can talk to the school's psychologist, Johanna." Jenny says.
You raise an eyebrow. "Johanna?" You ask.
"You know her daughter?" Jenny realizes. "Oh, I remember."
"I... wait a second, you're not talking about Hilda's mother are you?" You ask.
"Yeah, she's the one who runs that orphanage. Well, she ran an orphanage until Tremorton cut its funding."
"That... sounds incredibly evil." You say completely stunned. "I mean, karabast that's cruel even for this shitheap of a city. I mean holy fuck..."
"They said that the kids who came out of it weren't growing up to be the 'scholars' Tremorton wanted, so they axed it."
"You're telling me these kids are now on the streets?" You ask.
"Or in horrible orphanages. There are tons of cheap, horrible orphanages across Tremorton; Johanna's was the only one that always scored positively on all regulation testing."
"And yet they cut its funding..." You say, completely disgusted by this city's behavior. "Kriffin' hell..."
"The only one who even slightly cared was Mr. Razinski." Jenny says.
"Well... at least it's good to hear that the Vice Principal is SLIGHTLY not a dickweed." You say.
"Well... I should get going." Jenny says. "You, uh, should probably talk to someone who isn't a teenager about your problems."
"Yeah probably." You say. "Well at this point your mind is probably as mature as an adult's but I see what you're saying."
"It was nice seeing you again, Dakteam." Jenny says, starting to leave.
"It was nice seeing you too." You say... before you then realize one embarrassing issue. "Um... I think being in that chamber has also made me slightly racist towards robots because my Clone Trooper side is still seeing you as a Separatist."
"Oh?" Jenny asks, turning around and leaning on the doorway frame. "Well, go deal with your problems. The racism shit I'm used to."
You immediately hang your head in shame. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't worry about it." Jenny says with a small laugh. "Go fix your problems. Seriously."
"Got it." You say as you hold two fingers to your forehead and Instant Transmission away... for about two seconds before you Instant Transmission right back. "I just realized that I need clothes."
"Well, would one of my mother's old overcoats work?" Jenny hadn't even noticed your nakedness.
"Hmm... yeah, I think that would... though I'd definitely also need pants." You say.
Jenny immediately transforms her chest into a slot where she feeds a bedsheet through, some gears and scissors actuate, and out comes some large pants. "Here."
"Thanks." You say.
After a few moments, you get dressed and then you Instant Transmission out of there and wind up in a... very odd place.
You are underneath a bed, and you hear snoring... very deep snoring... then a grunt. "Dakteam, you are back?" The voice says.
"Uh... yes." You say sheepishly. "Sorry for disturbing you."
"You are here to disturb the adolescent God of Destruction?"
"No." You say. "In fact, I'm actually here to see her mother. I'm in need of help."
"She isn't taking patients; she's talking with her daughter."
"Oh..." You say. "Well... in that case I'll just leave."
You struggle and strain to get out from under Kratos' bed but to no avail. Kratos is... seriously how fuckin' heavy is this guy? He's like 100% muscle and nothing else.
Kratos then gets up, and lifts the bed off of you. "You need to leave."
You nod and try, like a total dumbass, to leave through the door... and end up walking into Hilda's mom. Who... is about to hit you with a giant ass fucking sword.
"Oh shit..." You say.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" Hilda's mother demands.
"I'm... I'm..."
"You're what?! A fucking rapist?!"
"Oh Jesus, Jesus oh fuck, oh no! Karabast, no. I'm not..." You narrowly dodge a vicious sword swing.
"Silence! You must be a Norse demon of some kind!"
"DAKTEAM?!" Hilda comes out from behind her mother.
"Hey..." You say meekly.
"What do you think you're doing sneaking into our house, you fucking filthy beast?!"
"I'm not a kriffin' beast, I'm a human!"
Hilda's mother, Johanna, lowers the sword as Hilda looks up at her. "Mum, I can explain this..."
Johanna is completely... stonefaced, as she shakes her head. "I don't know who the hell this is, but you trust this scary, beast of a human, so I guess I'll... just... wait, no. How do you know this man?" Johanna asks Hilda.
"He's my friend." Hilda replies.
Johanna has seen too much shit. "Uh, you are 16 years old. This beast- this man could be no friend of yours."
"He's not a beast, he's just..."
"Hilda, he is an adult male, and you are 16 years old!"
"... I'm not a beast!" You shout, then you realize exactly how this situation looks and you just quiet yourself.
"Mum, he's not"-
"I don't care! I don't care if he's a mythical being or some lost soul in need of a friend! You are a child, and you"- Johanna doesn't know how to word this without... reliving some shit.
"Mum"-
"Hilda, listen to me." Johanna says. "You are a child. You- how long have you known this man?"
Hilda... is silent.
Johanna turns pale. "Answer me!"
Hilda is still silent.
Johanna's entire demeanor changes, as she begins to raise her voice. "Hilda, you are a fucking child! How long have you known this man?"
"... Five years."
Johanna's mind immediately visualizes the worst. Hilda has been "going out" with a... adult male, potentially a pedophile.
Johanna is suddenly calm. "Hilda, you need to tell me EVERYTHING about this man."
"... He's a friend- well, he once turned into Chudteam, and once tried to operate on me"-
Johanna is shaking. Her mind can't comprehend this... or it can and she can't handle it.
An aura begins to surround her. "M-mum, I swear he isn't a..."
"Hilda. Go upstairs and stay in your room."
"What's that music?" You think to yourself. "Is... is that Vegeta's US theme?"
You then notice Johanna's eye flash a silver color which caused you to start sweating profusely.
She begins to gain an aura of white sparkles. You notice she is looking directly into your eyes.
"I will tell you one thing." Johanna says, as she floats above the ground. "Don't fuck with my daughter."
"Oh... karabast." You say. The aura is blinding you.
Suddenly, she begins to speak in a voice which sends chills down your spine.
"You picked the wrong house, FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
You felt the ground beginning to crack below you as Johanna began channeling truly unimaginable power.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Oh dear." You say, channeling Obi-Wan for a moment.
You watch as Johanna's hair began to become a bright sparkly metallic green.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" More changes began to happen, Johanna began to bulk up, her biceps tearing through the arms of her shirt ever so slightly, her eyes were retaining that silver color except they were becoming more angular like a Dragon Ball character. You felt the Earth beginning to shake so goddamn much, so much in fact that when you looked behind you, you saw that Kratos, fucking KRATOS was actually bracing himself.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Her muscle mass grew a little more, it wasn't Broly levels of buff but she certainly was fit as hell, the aura became so much more prominent, almost like it was a violent raging flame.
You suddenly felt yourself being transported outside of the house, and then being punched in the face so hard, you flew back several continents.
You crash into the ocean so goddamn hard, you split the sea in two and create a massive crater ON THE OCEAN FLOOR! Right then and there, you feel your teeth fall out and your jaw shatter.
You then feel a kick to your abdomen that sends you into the fucking earth. You scream in agony as you feel your body break and reform, each time causing massive amounts of pain.
"AAAAGGGHHH!" You scream.
Before you can regain a hint of composure, Johanna had flown up to you and landed an... incomprehensibly fast series of punches to your nutsack and dicks that went for... you lost fucking count. She hit you so many goddamn times in such a short period you genuinely lost fucking count.
"Ack! Peeeeeee!" You scream in agony.
Afterwards, Johanna landed a vicious elbow to your chest which caused you to imagine your heart rupturing. She then generated a gigantic-ass green Ki-blade that she used to stab into your stomach before then landing a brutal punch to your face that caused you to imagine your skull shattering and your eyeball popping. She then retracted the Ki-blade and turned you around to grip both your arms, pull them way back and land a seriously painful knee strike to your spine that caused it to shatter. Finally she finished this off by grabbing you by the back of the head and proceeding to grind you against the ground at hyperspeed.
You suddenly feel... nothing. You consider that you might be dead, until you noticed that...
"Wait... Hilda?" You think to yourself.
"Mum, stop!" Hilda says.
Johanna is caught off-guard by her daughter appearing, and she stops. You take this opportunity to let yourself fall to the ground... and puke up so, SO much blood.
"Hilda, go back inside." Johanna says, with a firm tone that wasn't necessarily angry but... very, very stern.
"No, I am not going to let you kill him!" Hilda says. She maintains a strong stance.
"No"-
"Mum, please..."
"HILDA! Go inside NOW!"
"No, stop"-
Johanna is about to repeat herself, but she stops. She flies forward a bit.
"Hilda, go inside." She commands again, her voice still stern, but quieter this time.
At that point, you've puked up so much blood you're deathly pale. You start to push yourself up with your arms, but fall back when an incredibly sharp pain shoots through your brain.
"Then you will have to fight me." Hilda says.
"Hilda, no!" Johanna says, glaring at you.
"I will defend him." Hilda says.
Johanna is just done with this shit. "Hilda"-
"If you attack him again, I'll defend him." Hilda says.
Johanna takes a deep breath, then releases it with a huff. She looks down at you and furrows her brow.
At that point, you faint.
You wake up by Kratos' fireplace.
As you wake up, you groan. Every single inch of your body is in immense pain, every single part of you was either sore, suffering from internal bleeding or both, you couldn't move at all because you were physically incapable of doing so and you knew that even if you could, the tiniest inch would cause you to scream, your head was constantly throbbing and you tasted blood. This was basically the feeling of death.
But you weren't dead... though you kind of wished you were at this point.
Johanna is glaring into your soul. Hilda looks ashamed.
"So, I see you're still alive." Johanna says.
"At least he's alive." Hilda says.
At that point you suddenly jolted with pain and blood spurted from your mouth. As it turned out, your chest hadn't finished healing so when your heart started beating, it ended up catching itself on a jagged piece of broken rib. You cried out desperately in pain, and this caused even more blood to ooze out of your mouth.
You then looked at Johanna with a look full of horror and immediately started convulsing.
Unfortunately, another part of your body hadn't healed completely yet so when you started convulsing, you did so a little too violently which resulted in a broken arm bone jutting outside of your goddamn arm and three broken ribs to stab up through your chest and your spine, yes, your GODDAMN SPINE to curl inward and stab up through your stomach. The pain you felt was beyond excruciating and you wanted to die more than anything.
You wished so badly for death at this point. The pain was unbearable, you wanted it to stop, you were internally BEGGING for it to stop because as it turned out, you couldn't even fucking talk.
"Do you think you broke his body enough?" Hilda asked her mother with irritation.
Johanna looks at her daughter.
"No, he needs to suffer more." Johanna coldly says.
With that being said, you feel something just smash into your mouth, breaking through your jaw and piercing through your skull.
Hilda grabs her mother; Johanna is surprised as she is forced back into the chair. "Hilda! What the hell!?"
You begin letting out a series of... very inhuman noises. A disgusting and disturbing mixture of gurgles and the squelches of flesh as your body tried its damnedest to heal itself. At that point, you convulsed once more and started having what looked like an epileptic seizure.
You continued to convulse as blood was forced out of every pore and you were left a limp, bloody mess.
Or at least you would've been if it weren't for the fact that at that point, your eyeball popped out of its socket and your shoulder bone fucking broke through the flesh, causing more and more blood to spill which caused you to convulse more which in turn caused more bones to break and eventually, you felt organs fucking RUPTURING.
You let out one last terrifying scream and your body went into total shock, shutting itself off so it could begin the healing process.
"Mum, you"-
"No, Hilda! I am done with this shit! I am done with being unaware of where you go and I'm done with the dishonesty that you keep using because you are afraid of my future responses! If you know I am going to object to something, why do you choose to hide it from me rather than just discussing it with me and seeing if we can reach an agreement?!"
"I don't know! I'm sorry, I love you!"
"Til helvete, I KNOW you love me! That's not the problem. I love you too! The problem is, I don't know WHAT you do! You're out all hours of the night and day. You're always disappearing for weeks and I find out that you are actually interacting with an adult male who is at least 80 years your senior!"
At that point your body finally starts to make significant progress in your healing... except you didn't realize how fucked up you were and before you knew it, one of your goddamn arms finally snaps off... as in it's laying on the ground now.
You begin to shriek with pain.
At that point you start convulsing again which causes bones to break through the flesh, organs to rupture. It turns out that the beatdown Johanna gave you was SO severe, this first attempt at healing fucked up.
You begin to experience a tunnel vision of your surroundings and then you blacked out.
"Mum, he isn't- I mean, he did watch me sleep"-
Johanna feels like her heart's going to stop.
You've regrown your EYES, which were hanging out of the socket and your shoulder bone is now back to its original position.
However, you're a mess.
"Ugh..." You gurgle out, blood pouring from your mouth.
"YOU FUCKING PRICK!" Johanna yells as she grips your fucking throat.
"Oh no..." You say weakly, channeling TFS Vegeta for the briefest of moments.
Your body convulses as your throat is crushed.
Johanna teleports you outside the house and charges towards the moon at such a ridiculous speed with her grip tightening around your throat with every passing second before finally, she choke-slammed you into the fucking MOON!
Not even a few seconds later, Johanna proceeded to land several vicious punches to your chest and with every punch, she shouted something. "YOU! GODDAMN! BAS! TARD! YOU! WILL! FUCKING! PAY!" She roared before then throwing you back down to Earth, the force of her throws causing you to be sent through several THOUSAND trees.
It wasn't even a SECOND when Johanna caught up to you and gripped you by the leg, her fingernails digging SO deeply into your flesh they cut into the bone marrow. At that moment she then started slamming you repeatedly against the ground as if she was the Incredible Hulk fucking up Loki in Avengers except the pain it caused you and the force she was using was multiplied by like one thousand. She continued doing this to you for what felt like forever and then when it came to the last slam, your leg fucking snapped off. Then Johanna grabbed you by the fucking broken bone stump and chucked you into a mountain.
Your body, broken and bleeding profusely advanced towards the mountain.
"Fuck... Fuck! Fuck!" You gurgle out.
"You fucking dead bastard!" Johanna says as she rips the bone stump out.
At that moment, just when you think it can't get any worse... it got worse as Johanna started ascending even further beyond her current form. She begins to glow a bright PURPLE... then beyond; she goes fucking BEYOND purple.
"Just... let me die." You choke out.
You begin to see cracks in reality. Chunks of space and time begin to be torn apart. A translucent portal begins to form and surrounds her as an aura.
"What... the... fuck?"
Johanna continues to ascend. One could even say she's going even further BEYOND!
"Joh... hnngh..." You wind up puking up more blood.
Her skin begins to resemble Dormammu's form from the movie, Doctor Strange.
"HNGH! BLEGH!" You just continue convulsing and vomiting up blood.
She grabs a chunk of reality, and throws it at you. It hits you in the chest and it begins to burn, but that's the least of your worries, because she continues to ascend.
She's going all the way up to Godhood AND BEYOND!
Finally with one last scream, she finishes her transformation.
"Fuck... fuck me..." You say as reality just collapses in on itself.
Your broken body is picked up by the trees and thrown against a tree which then breaks. You continue to be beaten against the ground.
After a few seconds, Johanna then instantly appeared in front of you as she rammed her hand into your chest and proceeded to dig her fingernails INTO YOUR HEART all the while TWISTING IT! She never ripped it out or did anything like that, she just continued to basically torture your fucking heart while she continued to land several energy-enhanced punches to your dicks and balls which led to them disappearing.
"Holy fuck." You thought to yourself. "She has Hakai energy and... I can't... I can't regenerate them!"
You try to push her away, but she easily stops punching you and raises her arm as purple flames begin to emanate from her hand.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
She then holds her purple flame-engulfed hand up to your face and that's when you realize it wasn't a hakai... more like she literally set your soul ON FIRE! You screamed with agony as she then threw you up into the air and launched in the span of an attosecond an... uncountable amount of energy blasts into your spine before then launching upward and with a brutal knee caused your body to break completely over it. Then she gripped your arms and legs, wrung you like a fucking towel before proceeding to repeatedly slam you into her knee with each strike causing you to let out louder and louder cries, yes not screams, CRIES of pure agony. And then she did it once more for good measure before throwing you to the ground and stomping on your head with her foot, then swiveling around she grabbed air and twisted it into a high-speed spinning attack that sent you deeper and deeper into the Earth.
She then caught up to you in an instant and knocked you out of the fucking ground and high into the air though it wasn't like one of those DBZ moments where a dude gets punched super hard, oh no. She was landing SEVERAL fucking punches the whole way which were shattering bones, rupturing organs and doing just so much more damage at such a high speed it was over taxing your healing factor. Then she gripped you by the throat and landed an energy-enhanced punch that was so focused and SO hard it caused the entire lower half of your abdomen to explode which revealed your spinal cord almost like she was pulling off a fucking Mortal Kombat fatality. At that moment, she gripped your spine and with barely any effort RIPPED you in half and tossed your legs so hard and so fast they wound up in the fucking sun. At this point, if it wasn't for your healing factor, you would've been fucking dead. Then by the broken spinal stump, she repeatedly slammed you into the ground over and over and over again before then stopping and proceeding to fucking SCALP YOU WITH HER BARE HANDS! Yes, she grabbed the lower part of your skull and ripped the skin off with her bare hands while you struggled to break free and scream in pain, begging for her to stop... or at least, you would've if you COULD fucking scream and beg.
She then proceeded to repeatedly stomp down on your fucking abdomen with her foot with her even on some strikes digging her toenails, yes, her FUCKING TOENAILS into your body with them being so sharp you could feel them through the boots she was wearing. This lasted for a little while longer before suddenly she then grips your lower jaw and just rips it off before proceeding to use it to bash your fucking arms in. After a few more seconds of this, she then dug her nails into your left arm and with minimal force ripped it the fuck off before proceeding to BEAT you with it. Once she had enough of that, she then tossed the arm aside and in the span of time that was LESS THAN AN ATTOSECOND she reached into your chest, ripped a rib out and proceeded to skewer your fucking remaining arm and with a mighty tug, she used the broken bone to SLICE YOUR ARM IN HALF! Then once that was done, she used her bare hands to fucking SKIN YOU! Yes, you were now a bleeding skinless mess of a human and it was all thanks to Johanna. How you didn't die yet even with your healing factor was beyond you.
"Uh, Jenny, do you... feel something... wrong?" Brad asks, taking a hit from his bong.
"Yes. Yes I do."
"Alright Saiyan, expl"- Beerus felt... something. A small tingle. "Alright, who's pissed off Zeno?"
"What the hell is that?" Vegeta asks. "It feels like death..."
"I... don't know." Krillin says, shuddering.
Goku is just silent as he proceeds to... shake with a mixture of fear and deep concern as flashes of impacts and... horrific scenes of brutality are seen by him.
"Dakteam?" He says.
"What the fuck is that?" Sully asks.
Whis is eating his meal when he suddenly chokes.
"Ack!" Whis coughs as he starts spitting out his food. "Please excuse me for a moment!"
He gets up and leaves as the feeling of death starts settling into his goddamn soul.
Captain Rex wakes up from his sleep with images of a pissed-off entity with thousands of teeth flashing through his mind. He breathes deeply before shaking his head and getting up.
T'Challa at this point wakes up in a cold sweat.
Dormammu just sits around in his dimension bored out of his mind... when he suddenly senses something horrific.
"What is that?" He asks.
Grand Zeno is at the moment watching Steven Universe when suddenly he lightly grasps his chest as he feels something truly horrific in the air.
"Whoa... what's going on?" Zeno asks as he starts shuddering.
"What the fuck is that?" The Grand Sloprano belches. "Urrr, excuse me, Grand Zeno. I am a guest"-
"No, I agree. What the fuck is that shit, nigga?" Zeno says, briefly turning bootleg.
"I don't know, but..."- Grand Sloprano smells the air briefly before turning back to the TV. "Oh fuck, my heart..."
"Oh my goodness. What's going on?" Pleakley asks.
"Oh, what the hell is that? Aight Imma head out."
Gohan Calvo seems... shaken. "Este universo se ha vuelto repentinamente perturbador. Siento un gran dolor en ... mi alma. Este poder está ... más allá de la oscuridad. Casi se siente sobrenatural." He says, his voice shaky and filled with fear.
"Like you said it man." Shaggy Rojo said.
"Ay, Smoke! A GSF member be fuckin' pissed!"
"Nah, nah. I'm heading out." Smoke says.
"Where you going?" Ryder asks.
"Nigga you felt that energy." Sweet said. "That ain't normal-ass dark energy. This be some fucked up shit."
"Man fuck this shit." Smoke says. "Imma go see SpongeBob."
At this moment Mike Wazowski is training with Superman in his Ultra Scarer Verde Instinct form all the while Superman is in his Prime One Million form when they both pause as they feel this energy.
"Whoa what the hell is that?" Mike asks.
"I don't know." Superman said. "But it feels... evil."
"Yeah, I feel it too." Bigger Chick Hicks said. "Which is crazy since this is all the way in my dimension which is like so far away from where this is coming from. This is not very Kachigga at all."
Mr. Domino is finally... stopped.
"I guess you can s-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" One of the Crater Critters shouts as they feel some truly unholy energy enter them which prompts them to drop to their knees and start crying.
"I ju-just felt a f-force that I have never felt before!" The other one says. "It sa-sounded demonic."
"You what?" Kyros says in shock.
"Remember me mentioning how it felt like my heart was being pulled out of my chest? Well it feels like that every time now." Olive Oil says.
"You too?" Meliodas says.
"Yeah." Ban replies.
"It's some scary shit." Hawk adds.
"Come on Saitama." Bootleg Goku said. "We must merge into Gogetam-HOLY SHIT!"
Bootleg Saitama stared at him with a poor traced face that attempted to show fright.
King Edgelord Damn! *gunshot noise* Archon crumples to the floor. "This energy... is beyond omnipotent! It HURTS!"
Pepsiman is just running through the street, trying to deliver Pepsis to the people who want it when he suddenly stopped.
"Wha...?" Someone said.
"Shut it!" Pepsiman hisses.
"Pepsiman, what's wrong?" The person asked again.
Pepsiman turns into a regular can of Pepsi, to hibernate.
"Oh, finally, we can"- Ragyo feels this. She feels this shit. "... Actually, I think I'm going to... wait, before I enact my plan."
"What is that?" Nui asks.
"Jesus Christ, this energy is fucking horrifying." Satsuki declared.
"I agree with that statement." Nui said.
"As do I Lady Satsuki." Ira said.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ryuko snaps.
Ki, ki, ki, what. The. Fuck...
At that moment Jason Voorhees paused just as he was skewering a poor camper. Something in his soul... fucking hurt.
sans undertale almost feels his 1 hp drop to 0 hp. "Ugh, what is this shit?"
"... I am fucking disturbed." He says confused.
Muffet feels some unholy energy. "What the fuck is this?"
Flowey feels his petals shaking.
"SANS! DO YOU feel that shit?" Papyrus says.
"Yeah, I can't even make a pun! That shit's horrifying!" sans says, his perpetual smile turning into a frown.
A Sackboy was on his way to meet up with Larry Da Vinci when the energy caused him to trip down the stairs. He got impaled, burnt, and crushed.
"AAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAA!"
"GG, hai så har det blivit då." Aku yawned.
"Fuck my life has come to this." Samurai Jack said as he dropped to his knees and committed seppuku.
Patrick's feelings were fucked. "I feel like shit."
"Me too." Plankton said.
Squidward then holds the reloaded shotgun to his head and pulls the trigger.
A svelk is impaled through the chest by a spear. She lets out a pained moan as she falls to the ground.
"AAAAAAAAAA!"
"Semra, no!" A sentient penis shouts.
Johanna at this point has taken off her boot and by the force of her own will and power, grows her fucking toenails to sharp talons and proceeds to repeatedly kick the skinless stump of what was left of your body. After a few more moments of this, Johanna then jumped knee-first into your torso which caused your ribcage to EXPLODE through your chest, causing fucking GEYSERS of blood to spill forth. While she was still on you she then dug her nails into your tongue and stretched it out and kept going until finally she fucking RIPPED IT OUT OF YOUR THROAT! Then before you had time to blink, she fucking grabbed your head and jammed her thumbs deep into your fucking eyes with them becoming impaled on them so that when she pulled? She ripped your fucking eyeballs out and popped them like grapes in front of your face. After that she then proceeded to repeatedly headbutt you into the ground with the force of the impact increasing with every strike. Then, she gripped your neck and WRUNG IT like a towel, causing the bone to snap with a sickening crack. She then proceeded to repeatedly punch you in the fucking face. It was like the most horrific combination of what Kratos did to Hercules and oddly enough, fucking JoJo for she got her goddamn STAND involved and together, they turned your goddamn face into nothing more than bloody mush. How you were not dead yet you had no fucking clue especially since at this point, you wanted to die, you so DESPERATELY wanted to die. I mean at this point, your soul hurt, everything fucking hurt, you just wanted the sweet release of death but you could feel that Johanna just wouldn't let you. At that point, proceeded to dig her nails into your abdomen and fucking RIPPED IT OPEN! Thus revealing your ribcage and what remained of your fucking organs and proceeded to stomp, yes, she STOMPED on them as if she was crushing piles of berries in a bucket. At this point, you couldn't scream, you couldn't groan, you couldn't even manage a weak squeak or a croak, you were just far too damaged and in SO MUCH AGONY! You could only pray and hope that she would finish the fucking job and end your life at some point.
Finally, it seemed like that was going to happen. She held her hand out of her... and then she grabbed what remained of you and flew you up into space so fucking quickly... or at least you thought it was space. No she took you to Other World and proceeded to viciously grind your body on EVERY spike that was on Snake Way, the force of which she was doing so causing those pieces to snap off inside you. She then spun around at hyperspeed before proceeding to chuck you outside of Other World... and into a vat of acid that Rick Sanchez had just set up and before he had a chance to even fucking react, Johanna was already there and she grabbed you and proceeded to choke-slam you what you swore was over nine thousand times in the span of an attosecond before finally she tossed you into space and proceeded to land a vicious Tatsumaki Senpukyaku that went much faster than any Tatsumaki that anyone has ever pulled off and proceeded to grind what remained of your body into the fucking sun with her using her power to keep you from burning to ash but not enough to where you wouldn't feel the immense burn. That's right, she fucking used JUST ENOUGH of her power just to make you suffer more. Then after what felt like an eternity, she fucking dropkicked your ass back down to Earth which sent you through City Z, the Angry Video Game Nerd's house, an abandoned building in Tremorton, fucking Kirby who was just flying on his Warp Star which caused him to be knocked unconscious. At a certain point, you didn't realize you were basically orbiting the Earth multiple times without ever landing and at speeds so fucking fast you actually caught fire. After what felt like an eternity, Johanna then SPED YOU up by landing repeated palm strikes into your torso with her even going as far as to rip out your fucking PANCREAS WITH HER BARE HANDS! You kept spinning around the Earth more and more until finally, Johanna stopped you by landing a vicious axe-kick that sent you careening THROUGH the ground below which resulted in you coming through one side of the Earth where you found Johanna ready to kick you then carry you back up through it with repeated punches and kicks that occurred at super fucking fast speeds before finally, the beatdown ended with her slamming you by the face into the snow-covered ground near Kratos' home. As you're lying there, you... can't do anything.
Finally, fucking FINALLY at this point is when you thought sweet relief was gonna occur as Johanna held her hand out in front of you which was emanating a bright purple energy which you recognized as the energy of a Destroyer which meant eventually, EVENTUALLY you'd erased. Granted you couldn't see this since you had no fucking eyes but you could at least feel it, you could feel that sweet relief was coming and at this point, you welcomed it.
Johanna flew back through several mountains. You immediately realized at that moment the hakai didn't come which filled you to the brim with disappointment because oh sweet Jesus you're in agony. Why did someone have to stop this? Why couldn't this motherfucker just let you die?!
Hilda is standing there, fucking horrified. She is worried about both you and her mother. Her fist retracts.
At that moment, Saitama, Jenny, Goku, Vegeta and CJ all showed up at the same time.
"What's going o-" Saitama paused once he saw the broken mess you were. "Oh. Johanna got you, didn't she? Sweet Jesus, what the hell? I knew she was protective of Hilda, but holy hell."
"Wait, ay Hilds, yo momma did this?" CJ asked, completely fucking horrified.
"I punched her..." Hilda trembled.
"DAKTEAM!" Goku screamed out in horror.
"Was... he destroyed?" Vegeta asked.
You feel a familiar and horrific presence move back towards you... Johanna has returned. She has a bloody nose.
"What did you do to him?" Goku asked.
"Hilda, did you punch me?" Johanna asked, ignoring everyone else.
"Yes," Hilda whimpered.
"Where's his head?!" Goku shouts.
"Honestly, I would never wish this on even the most vile of foes." Vegeta said. "I wouldn't wish this on Zamasu, that Grinch bastard, hell not even Vic."
CJ at this point just looks at Jenny and watched as the teenage robot was... trembling.
"Uh, you okay robogirl?" CJ asked.
"I told him to come here. This is my fault." At that point, Jenny's eyes started to well up. "If I hadn't told him..."
CJ flashed a look at Johanna.
"You know there a difference between protectin' yo daughter and just fuckin' mutiliatin' some nigga fo' the sake of mutiliatin' them." CJ said.
CJ then walked towards you.
"Still, I think I'd feel better if we took him ta a hospital."
Vegeta's eyes widened. "He's gonna need more than just a hospital!"
Goku carefully scooped you up in his arms as he thought of an idea.
"I'm gonna bring him to Bulma..." He said.
"What can she do?" Vegeta asked.
"Recently, I've heard through her father that after Frieza's revival, she studied the remains of his ship that fell into the ocean and discovered pieces of some kind of healing pod. She since then has been working on a copy of it."
"If that's the case, it'll most likely be weak and useless." Vegeta began. "Most experiments start o-"
"Yeah but Bulma is not like most scientists." Goku interjected. "You know her Vegeta, she's the kind of person who wants to get things right on the first try."
"Okay but what makes you think it's ready?" Vegeta asked with crossed arms.
"I don't Vegeta but at this moment it's the best chance we've got at making sure he can regenerate properly." Goku said.
At this moment, Kratos walked up with his son... and even he couldn't comprehend the level of agony that Johanna put you through.
"Daughter... what did you do?"
"I was just protecting my daughter." Johanna says.
Kratos just looked at what remained of you and then back at Johanna.
"You call that protecting your daughter?" Kratos asked. "Because I call that meaningless mutilation."
Hilda is horrified. CJ is horrified. Beerus is horrified. Fucking ZENO is horrified.
Johanna is completely... frozen.
"Dakteam ALREADY ATONED!" Hilda shouted. "He went through 60 years of living the Clone Wars! He went through the pain of his family and friends being murdered by the hands of the Empire! He went through the torture of slavery! He went... he went through more just so he could become a better person!"
"Not only that but you used more strength than this guy could handle." Goku said sternly. "You didn't go into this hoping to teach a lesson, you went into this to TORTURE. This is nothing more than pure torture Johanna!"
"I-I can't believe this." Jenny said, on the verge of an emotional breakdown. "I suggested you to Dakteam so you could help him, l-like you did for so many other kids in Tremorton. I didn't... I didn't expect you would torture him like this."
"Doesn't matter what you expected." Kratos says. "Even I couldn't have predicted this kind of excessive force would be used."
Johanna has completely frozen up. She's incapable of doing anything. Even her facial muscles seem to be paralyzed.
Kratos slowly approaches Johanna and carefully sets a hand on her shoulder as he lets out a long sigh.
"We will talk about this later." He said sternly.
Hilda gives a comforting sigh as she holds onto Jenny. Both of them turn to walk away.
Goku holds up two fingers to his forehead as he preps to use Instant Transmission.
"We will handle this." He says before disappearing.
Goku shows up at Bulma's house. He walks inside and finds her lying in her bed, reading a book.
"Bulma." He says.
She looks up from her book to see him.
"Oh hey Goku- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT IN YOUR HANDS?!"
"Actually it's a 'who' Bulma." Goku says calmly and seriously. "This is my friend Dakteam... or at least what's left of him."
Goku raises a broken figure, choking and squealing.
Bulma is horrified by how he looks. Especially the part where most of him is burned beyond recognition.
"What happened to him?" Bulma asked.
"I found him like this." Goku said. "He was... tortured."
Bulma's facial expression turns to horror.
"No... no way... who did this?"
"M-... my m-... my mother." Hilda says.
Bulma looks over at her own mother, who's now in shock.
"Wait a second, you mean... Johanna?" Bulma asked. "The famed therapist?" Hilda shakily nodded.
"Why would she do this to Dakteam?"
"I-I dunno... I think she wanted to p-put him through..."
"Put him through what? Hell?"
"From what I can gather it was some attempt at making him atone for prior acts." Vegeta said.
Bulma's eyes widen.
"THIS IS WHAT SHE CALLS THIS?!" Bulma shouts. "This is what she does to people who are guilty of past transgressions? What kind of person tortures other human beings like this?!"
Everyone in the room is silent. Even Hilda who looked to be in shock was now looking down, her head down.
Goku was the one who broke the silence. "That's why we came to you Bulma. We were wondering if you could help us restore him."
At that moment, while you still couldn't do much other than make horrific gurgling noises, you started to have flashbacks... war flashbacks.
"Come on 828!" You heard the voice of Slicer shout. "Push those clankas back!" In that moment you suddenly find yourself in the middle of the Clone Wars as you and Slicer are deep in a trench, trying desperately to fight back against this massive Separatist encampment.
"What are you waiting for?!" At that moment you leapt over cover and started unloading on droids left and right with your Z-6 rotary blaster. You were absolutely fuckin' clankas up.
"Come on! 828, push 'em back!"
"Ha ha ha! Good job 828! Good kriffin' job!"
After a few more moments, you captured the encampment... when a dark energy was felt.
"What in blazes?!" You heard Slicer shout as he felt the dark energy.
Then you felt an even more horrifying attack. Your body began to react violently.
Johanna had suddenly appeared and gripped Slicer's face, her nails digging deep into his helmet and flesh before she then just ripped him the fuck in half though she made sure to do it slowly so you could watch as every tendon, every vein separated.
"Nooooo!" You shouted before spitting blood which prompted you to look down. Apparently before you could reach her, she had suddenly closed the distance between you and rammed her fist through your heart.
Right at that moment with a sadistic grin, Johanna viciously pulled her fist upward which caused you to feel your head being split in half.
A/N: There we go! The first chapter of the story is done! I really hope you all like it, reviews are greatly appreciated as well as hits to my favorite stories.
You were confused by the sound of that voice. "Wait wh-" Suddenly you found yourself in another scene. You were on board a Venator with Slicer right as you received new orders from the chancellor.
"The time has come. Execute Order 66." You heard a voice say which prompted something to go off inside your head.
"Yes Lord Sidious." You and Slicer both say.
At that moment you hear a door open right as the transmission cut off. "828? Slicer? I feel that something terrible has happened." Your Jedi General said. "I sense a great disturbance in the Force." At that very moment, your Clone Trooper helmet began to shake in your hand before finally, your grip loosened and you dropped it.
"I'll be alright, just let me catch my breath." You panted.
You then turn to face your Jedi General and feel a... specific command beginning to overrun your system which prompted you to grasp your head.
"828." The Jedi repeated. "Is there something wr-"
"St-STAY BACK!" You shout as you trained your blaster on your Jedi General. He did so, but looked worried.
"828..." The Jedi began.
"Get the hell back!" You shout. "Don't come any closer traitor scum!"
"Traitor?" The Jedi asked confused right as he took a step forward. "But I'm not a traitor." At that point, you started to shed tears as you fought for control of your senses.
"Go..." You say. "Get out of here... find her... find her... Hilda..." The Jedi raised an eyebrow confused. "FIND HER! HILDA!" Right at that moment you opened fire. Unfortunately your shot was too accurate as you landed a perfect headshot on the Jedi which killed him instantly.
"Your powers are strong in you, 828." A deep voice said. "You may be of significant help to me. Follow me." The deep voice said which caused you to wait for further instruction.
You look around you as the room goes dark. Suddenly, your vision fills with flashes of random HORRIFIC brutality. You see the Jedi, his bloody head on a pole, a squad of 1042's fighting them, their burns extremely severe, their eyes blank, their armor covered with blood and bile, most of them being torn to fuckin' shreds by... her.
At that moment, you start running as Johanna started closing in on you but you couldn't get away, it felt like you were running through cement which meant it wasn't long before Johanna gripped your throat.
"Now you will DIE!" She clenched tighter before tearing your head off, which fell to the ground.
Your vision ended there.
Your eyes shot open as you started screaming and thrashing in... fluid? Why were you in fluid? Where the hell were y-oh wait there was no time to focus on that now for those questions were now replaced with the fucking torturous pain that was your body being regenerated from... whatever the fuck you were left as by Johanna.
You felt your bones breaking and reforming... and disintegrating. The pain was like nothing you could have imagined, it's like the worst injury you could ever have suffered multiplied by a trillion.
Your skin was peeled off in layers, each layer becoming a new memory of how your body looked before. And then when your new, perfect body was finished, it was suddenly struck by the most excruciating pain you could ever experience.
It repeats. And repeats. And repeats.
It goes on for what feels like an eternity. You thrash in agony and focus on one thing: You DESPERATELY want to fucking heal.
As this was going on, Bulma just looked back at Goku. "If everything goes well, he should be healed up within a few minutes. But don't expect him to be back at 100% even then. With the pain he has endured, I think he will have to sleep for quite a good while."
"Perfect. Just perfect." You think to yourself as the pain finally begins to subside. "Fuck my life."
Your body heals, and it actually begins to feel relieving. You put your head against the hard back of the machine.
"Fuck my life... again..." You think as reality fades away from you.
A few more moments pass and finally, you've healed properly. Once the machine drains and opens up, Bulma carefully grabs your comatose body and moves it to a nice comfortable bed. "There. Now he should be comfortable at least." Bulma says.
"How long do you give him before he wakes up?" Vegeta asks.
"I don't know." Bulma said. "But considering the damage he has suffered? I'd give it at most four weeks."
"Four weeks? No way he'll be OK in four weeks." Vegeta said.
Bulma just shrugs. "Look that's the best I can do."
"Why don't you just start pumping Senzu Beans into him?" Vegeta asked.
"I'm afraid that won't really work." Everyone turned to see the source of the voice was Whis.
"Why not Whis?" Goku asked.
"You felt the energy didn't you?" Whis asked. "When Johann-"
"Then just get the Dragon Balls, the Super Dragon Balls, ANYTHING so that this poor bastard won't have to suffer!" Vegeta said.
"You don't understand." Whis said. "It's not that simple."
"What?"
"You see when Johanna engaged in that ruthless beatdown of Dakteam, she tapped very specifically into reality-warping realms of power and was unconsciously using it for the sake of ensuring that he'd suffer more. In that process she has temporarily altered how his body reacts to the various materials of our world so in other words, while his body may have physically healed, any attempt to speed up the healing process will prove fruitless. All we can do now is wait the full four weeks for him to properly recover."
"Damn it..." Vegeta says in defeat.
"This is all my fault." Jenny said as she dropped to her knees. "I caused this..."
"Hey." Goku said calmly as he set a hand on her shoulder. "I may not know of the full circumstances but you've got nothing to blame yourself for."
"Johanna is my school therapist!"
"Even so and to be fair I know this won't help, Goku is at least right about this." Whis said. "Sufficed to say, no one ever could've predicted that this was going to happen. Even I myself am very unsure of why exactly events transpired the way they did."
You began to cry to yourself, thinking about how you suffered 60 years in the Clone Wars, you atoned for your problems, and this is how the universe treats you?
"Grr... damn that Johanna." Vegeta said. "The fact someone would go out and do something like this makes me sick."
"She's my mother." Hilda says, with an empty emotion. "She was about to Hakai Dakteam."
Vegeta at that point realized what he said was extremely hurtful and in a move very... uncharacteristic of him. He apologized.
"My... apologies." He said.
"Shit, Hilds. I mean, if this is how your home life was"-
"It wasn't; my mother is usually a friend to all living beings; she has never done anything this brutal before."
"If that's the case then do you have any idea on what happened to her?" Goku asked. "Do you have any answers?"
"Kakarot, why would she have answers for this?" Vegeta asked.
"I was just..."
"My mother has never harmed another living being to this extent before; she has defended me from-..." Hilda clears her mind. "I have no idea why the fuck she did this."
"I'll... I'll go," Vegeta said. "I'm tired and honestly this day has been... draining."
"Yeah, I get what you mean." Goku said.
"Does that mean you're coming Kakarot?" Vegeta asked to which Goku shook his head.
"I'm staying behind." Goku said. "I want to make sure Dakteam gets better and I also want to be there for his friends."
In response, Vegeta simply nodded before he Instant Transmissioned away. Jenny at that moment finally began to cry, burying her face into her hands.
Goku upon seeing someone so sad was starting to find it difficult to keep his emotions together. He has seen people cry before... but it's not often he ends up in a room with so many strong emotions emanating from people at once.
Hilda is done. She retreated to her home to relax, and the shit followed her. So now she's done with this shit, traumatized by her own mother, and feeling emotionally drained from everything.
"Lord Hilda..." Whis began. "Would you like me to prepare your personal chambers?"
"Wh- sure." Hilda replied, her voice filled with haziness.
With that, Whis simply disappeared in a beam of light.
"Man, dis been one fucked up day." CJ said.
Hilda... finally broke character. "And I'm a child who has just witnessed their mother physically deconstruct someone's physical form down to their muscles and bone! I think I need to get rid of this whole fuckin' ordeal from my being and throw it into a fucking trash pile!"
CJ just looked at his friend with a face full of sadness. He knew better than to say anything, really nothing he could've said would've made this situation any better but at the same time, this was tragic to see. To see someone's trust in their mother so shaken it was just... it was almost too much to bear.
After a few more moments passed, you slowly sit up as you begin to rub the back of your head. "Urgh, fuck..."
"DAKTEAM!" Hilda ran over to you. "You're alive!"
"I... I am?" You ask. "C-Commander Hinsman?"
Goku raised an eyebrow confused. "Commander who now?" He asked.
"Um... I mean... Hilda." You say embarrassed.
"Oh." Goku says looking confused.
You think about-... Johanna- you whimper. Then you try to shake the memory from your mind, especially once you spot one of your friends who has completely broken down.
"Jenny?" You ask. She didn't respond, she just kept sobbing into her hands.
"Jenny!" You say, slowly walking over to her. She jumps a bit as she notices you. "What's wrong?"
"You're... you're alright." She says, trying to steady her breathing.
You fall over. "I'm... I'm a goddamn mess..." You say. Then you grab her hand to pull yourself up, but you end up pulling her down with you. "SON OF A BITCH!"
At that point, you were about to try and force yourself up when Jenny simply stopped you.
"Let me help you up." She says.
"Dakteam." You heard the voice of one of your brothers: Slicer.
Jenny looks at you confused. "Huh?"
Slicer appears with a medical tray in his hands, which he puts down on the table.
"I was... gonna try and help you." Slicer said slowly. "But I can see at the very least you're alright now."
"Alright is... kind of a strong word to use." You say.
"Yeah, I suppose it is." Slicer says with a gentle nod.
"Now I'm gonna be as clear with this as possible. What happened?" Kratos asked.
"I... thought-... I thought he was a pedophile. That's why I choked him."
"You did a lot more than just choke him." Kratos said sternly.
"Yes, I know. But I- I thought he wa-"
"Nothing you can say right now will justify the years of trauma you have inflicted on that person." Kratos interjected.
"... I have seen some horrific shit in my past that has shaped how I want to raise my daughter; the last thing I want is for her to see me as some violent thug."
"Then don't be one." Kratos says. "If you don't want Hilda to see you as such then do not be one."
"I just don't want to let what happened to me happen to her."
"Which is what?"
"Which is why I want to kill you."
Kratos raised an eyebrow when he noticed something... odd about the tone of voice. Like he could hear a little of himself.
"What did you say?" Kratos asked.
"... I have never left you, father." Johanna says as she tackles Kratos, gripping his balls. "NOW GIVE ME SEX IN A SEX MINIGAME!"
Kratos immediately tosses Johanna off of him right as he turned back towards his son.
"BOY! WE HAVE TO LEAVE!" Kratos screamed. "NOW!"
"What?" Atreus said.
"DO AS I SAY BOY!" Kratos shouted.
"But why?"
"COME ON! DON'T YOU WANT TO GET SOME OF THAT SWEET RED ORB GOODNESS FROM MY VAG?!" Johanna asked.
Kratos immediately rushed towards Atreus, picked him up and started running away.
"What's going on?" Atreus asked.
"I'LL EXPLAIN LATER! WE FIRST MUST GET TO SAFETY BOY!" Kratos shouted.
Johanna began to strip naked, making sexual advances towards Atreus.
"Johanna! What the hell!?" Atreus shouted.
"DAUGHTER!" Kratos screamed at Johanna. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"YOU FUCKED THOSE WHORES IN GREECE! YOU CAN FUCK ME ALL THE SAME!" Johanna shouts.
Kratos just stared at Johanna with a disturbed expression... which changed to one of confusion when the voice of Johanna shifted into... his voice.
"Or perhaps, maybe you'd like it better if it was yourself." Right then and there, Kratos saw a giant... circle prompt appear, like the kind that would appear in video games to indicate one would have to rapidly tap the button and before he knew it, he was watching as a black and red silhouette was slowly but surely forcing its way out of his daughter.
"Ah! Johanna!" Kratos screeched.
At that point the silhouette fully separated itself from Johanna who collapsed to the ground unconscious. Then the silhouette formed into someone familiar, someone that Kratos had LONG tried to move past.
"KRATOS!" The younger him screamed. "Your true self has returned. I BRING WITH ME THE CONQUERING OF THIS PLANET!"
"No!" Kratos yelled as he forced his younger self to the ground and began strangling him. "You're not me! You're not me!"
"Oh but I am Spartan." He said with a grin. "Now give me your feet!"
Kratos immediately kicked his younger self away. He simply shrugged off the kick with ease.
"What the..."
"You're getting old fool." The younger Kratos said. "You've also grown far too soft, where's your spartan pride?! YOUR SPARTAN PENIS?!"
"You're not real!" Kratos protests.
"Am I now?" the younger Kratos says with a smirk as he turns towards Johanna who had a big circle prompt above her. "Perhaps this will show you."
Realizing what was gonna happen, Kratos triggered his Spartan Rage and punched his younger self into a mountain before then proceeding to grab Johanna and run off.
"Johanna..."
Kratos then stopped when he felt a blade go into his back. He quickly pulled it out and faced his younger self who was holding the Blades of Exile.
"Tch, at least you have some strength." His younger self said.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Your daughter deserves better than a weakling for a father. She deserves to be shown what a REAL Spartan woman goes through!"
"She deserves someone who can show strength but also restraint." Kratos said. "Not some ridiculous rage-obsessed monster who desires nothing but conquest!"
"Oh, Kratos, you pathetic fool. You believe that now because you're old and weak, you only do this because you're afraid of that whore Athena. Rather than face her down and wipe her from existence, you chose to run. SPARTANS NEVER RUN! SPARTANS ALWAYS STAND THEIR GROUND AND FACE DOWN THEIR ENEMIES UNTIL THEIR LAST BREATH!"
"I left that lifestyle long ago." Kratos said.
"No, you ran from it." The younger Kratos replied.
"What difference does it make?" Kratos asked.
"You never actually came to terms with it, you just told yourself that but deep down, you knew how this was the real you." The younger Kratos said. "You're not this scared old man. You're a true warrior who bathed in the blood of his foes."
"You're wrong about me."
"Am I?"
At this moment, Kratos started hearing a... loud Greek choir?
"What the..."
"Face it older me." The younger Kratos said. "This is who you were and this is what you always will be."
Right away, Kratos decided to borrow a technique from one of his allies and held both his hands up to his face.
"Times 10,000 SOLAR FLARE!" At that moment, a very bright flash appeared which blinded his younger self which gave him more than enough time to grab Atreus and Johanna and escape with them in tow.
After the light from the solar flare subsided, the younger Kratos looked around.
"Fuck I lost him." He said to himself. "Guess I will have to contact a certain nyukkah..."
He performed very specific hand movements which soon led to the face of one Stinkmeaner showing up.
"WHAT'S GOOD NYUGGAH?!" Stinkmeaner asked.
Stinkmeaner at that point noticed who was contacting him. "Wait a second, it can't be..."
"Oh but it is." The young Kratos said. "I have returned."
"Wow, I haven't seen yo' bitch-ass since our rampage through Universe 10." Stinkmeaner said before grinning. "How's it been nyuggah?"
"We can discuss that later, right now I need your help."
"Well shit, if you jus' came back and already need mah help, it looks like bullshit's already goin' down so what can I do for ya?"
At that moment, the young Kratos smirked. "First I just have to ask, do you have them?"
Recognizing immediately what he meant, Stinkmeaner pointed to a dark brown Potara earring on his right ear. "You mean the legendary Nigara? I already have them nyukkah."
"Perfect, can you bring one of them to me? I want to start making plans..."
"Just come to me nyukkah and I'll hand one to you." Stinkmeaner said. The younger Kratos then nodded before he then bent down with the sound he made being the same sound one would hear in the old God of War games when you charged up a kick. Then a few seconds later, he leapt so high into the sky he left the atmosphere with the portal closing seconds later.
You felt a disturbance in the Force so large, it caused your healed bones to explode.
You were in the middle of falling asleep, just trying to get some rest when it happened and when it did, you immediately started screaming in agony and wriggled and writhed which unfortunately made things worse as the bone shrapnel inside your organs started wiggling and unfortunately, they were so sharp and jagged they were embedding themselves deeper.
You begin to spit up blood, gurgling and squealing. It just kept on and on as the torrential blood loss and organ puncturing just amplified.
You were experiencing all this pain... and surprisingly you weren't numb. Despite how tired you were, you were so much more aware of your pain.
You're becoming this pained husk of a person. You were once so much more than this. All you wanted to do was be more like your old self and be less like whatever the fuck this new you became after what Johanna did to you.
"Dakteam!" Goku shrieks.
You just kept gurgling and squealing. This wasn't you. This wasn't the person you once were. This was just a broken, wretched husk that was barely hanging on.
"Dakteam!"
You didn't respond.
After a little bit more of this, you finally healed again, the bone fragments shooting out of your body like bullets. You healed so much faster than before.
With the healing over, you felt a great deal of emotional and mental fatigue that just drained you completely. You were too tired to feel scared though.
Goku lowers his arm. "What the hell was that!?"
"I just felt a great... no it wasn't just a great disturbance it was... look I just the felt the worst possible shit in the Force." You said in-between pants.
Goku jumps up and looks all around the room as a very... ghetto and pissed... presence filled the room.
In your head, you heard "WHAT'S GOOOOOOOOD, NNNNNYYYUKKAAAAHHH?!"
"... Something's wrong. I can feel it."
"Who's there?!" he screams.
"It's meeeee! Daaaaaak!" an old-ass pissed voice says.
Goku turned towards the source of the voice and ended up with a dark-skinned wrinkled hand wrapped around his throat. At that moment you looked up and your eyes widened with horror.
"No way, it can't be..." You said. "I thought Sam and Robert put you down years ago. He TOLD ME SO!"
"Those bitch-asses did!" Stinkmeaner shouted as he continued to choke Goku. "But now I'm back from the dead and ready to wreck all y'all asses!"
Goku began to shrivel up.
At that moment Stinkmeaner looked at Goku and dropped him. "Oh hol' up, I can't have yo ass dyin' on me. There's no fun in gettin' vengeance when there be no mofuggahs to challenge!" At that point, Stinkmeaner grinned. "Though I do thank you fo' the energy, because it allows mah black ass to do THIS!" Before you knew it, Stinkmeaner's hair spiked up and turned a nice bright blue.
"Wait a second..." You say. "You can't do that, you're not a..."
"What a Saiyan? Yeah you right, I ain't a Saiyan which is why I will dub this new form of mine Supah Nyukka Blue." Stinkmeaner said proudly. "Anywho, where's the rest of you nyukkas at?"
Goku puked on Stinkmeaner's head.
"Ah, damn it!" The Nyukka yelled as he wiped his head.
Stinkmeaner at that moment turned to Goku and lifted him up by the leg and drew his fist back.
"Hey what are yo-OHHH!" Goku was cut off by the nyukka landing a single brutal punch to his ballsack.
Goku immediately stopped breathing and fell limp, he was knocked unconscious.
"Aw yeah, look at ya!" Stinkmeaner says. "Yo bitch-ass thought you could catch me off guard by pukin' on me but now you got punched in yo dick. How's that nyukka? HOW'S THAT?!"
You feel Stinkmeaner then begin to give you the absolute worst fucking titty-twister imaginable. You screamed as his fingernails dug into your nipples which when coupled with the twisting that was so extreme it was causing the flesh to TEAR? It wasn't long before they started spraying friggin' geysers of blood.
"Ah yea! NYYYYUKKAH! Yo' tittehs hav' ta' be VIOLATED in the worst way possible!"
The Nyukka then let go causing you to collapse onto the floor, your body convulsing from pain.
"Now that's what I call givin' a punk-ass, pussy-ass, BIATCH-ASS, NO-DICK HAVIN' NYUGGAH A BEATDOWN!" Stinkmeaner says.
At this moment, Stinkmeaner heard a "CLANG!" noise. He turned to see that Jenny had entered the room and she was looking horrified.
"Well would ya look at dat! Not only are dere nyuggahs, dere also be CLANKERS!" Stinkmeaner shouted.
Goku who was still laying on the floor with his testicles in extreme pain from Stinkmeaner's beating, suddenly sat up. He grabbed a metal pole hanging from the ceiling and bashed Stinkmeaner in the side of the head with it.
Stinkmeaner reeled back in pain.
"Agh! Shit!"
Jenny was shocked.
"Yo ass gon' pay nyu-"
"Now, now my nyukka. Remember this is merely to give them an appetizer for what to expect." A gravelly voice said. Immediately Stinkmeaner and everyone else with the exception of Jenny (Who was still shocked by the use of the term "Clanker") turned to see that standing before them was the younger Kratos. After staring for a few moments, Stinkmeaner grinned.
"My bad nyukkah." He said. "I often lose myself in da moment when I'm beatin' ass."
The younger Kratos chuckled. "Oh I know all too well."
"Kratos?" You ask. "But ho-"
"I am not the weak fool you know." The younger Kratos said. "In fact, I believe he has tainted that name so no longer do I wish to be known by it. Call me... ALPHATOS!" You looked confused.
"Wait wha-"
"You see, the name 'Kratos' I view as being more reflective of a ridiculous soyboy, a stupid simp. Alphatos reflects the fact that I am a TRUE ALPHA MALE!"
"Yeah you tell dem nyuggah!" Stinkmeaner said before breaking off into a fit of laughter.
You began to see a reflection of yourself...
"Fool! Do you REALLY think your pitiful planet can resist my conquering?" Alphatos said in a lowered tone, "Think again. This whole star system will soon be mine... SIMP!"
"Das right nyuggah!" Stinkmeaner added. "Dis piece of shit heap planet, nay dis whole fuggin' MULTIVERSE will be ours and will see a whole new era of alphas and NYUGGAHRDRY!"
Both of them began laughing heartily.
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Goku shouted as he charged for them. Without even wasting a second, Alphatos grabbed you and held you in front of him before then disappearing with Stinkmeaner right before Goku's fist made impact which meant you took the full force of Goku's punch... which sent you flying through a wall and into a street where you started convulsing.
Your vision goes black as you fall into another coma.
You awaken again and find yourself strapped to a table.
"Jesus, he's awake!" You hear a voice shout.
"K-..." You begin.
Grand Kyros puts a finger to your mouth, "Shhhh..."
You see Dr. Kovas enter the room, "How are you feeling?"
"Headache... aches... sore all over..." you reply.
You also see Bigger Chick Hicks, the spongy one, and Jiren.
"Ah, you're awake!" Bigger Chick Hicks said. "Look, you've got company!"
You look and see that Goku was also strapped to a table.
"He punched me in the dick! Why, why did he punch me in the dick?!" He asks.
"I don't know!" Vegeta says in a much higher pitched voice than you're used to. You immediately turn your head to see he was also strapped to a table. "He punched me in the dick as well!"
Grand Kyros looks at you, "Ah, you're awake. That's good."
"Alphos, tell him what you showed me." Grand Kyros says.
"I'd rather you told me, Kyros." Alphos says.
"What the fuck is going on?" You ask.
"Shhhh! Quiet down!" Bigger Chick Hicks says, "Alphos is gonna tell you exactly what's going on!"
"Okay, first of all, my name's not Goku. It's Vegeta." A sentient penis says.
"Am I... am I having a stroke?" You ask completely dumbfounded.
"No! You're awake! Hello, mortal!" The sentient penis says, "Now, we need to go over a few things. First of all, you don't feel any... aching in your body do you?"
"I just said I did." You said.
"No, you haven't been training. Second of all, you don't have a headache. Third of all, you just woke up. You're still recovering."
You immediately look at Goku with a face that says "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!". In response he simply shrugged.
"It was the best I could think of." Goku said. "Trust me Dakteam, these people are the best medical professionals imaginable."
"What the fuck is this, Herbs and... W33D!?" You say looking at a box of pharmaceuticals.
"Oh that's what they injected into you." Goku said. "In fact that's what healed you up!"
"Smoke weed erryday!" Grand Kyros says, "It reduces stress and makes you a better fighter!"
"Train harder than you train and you'll go insane! Take Prozac and you can cut down on training!" Stinky, a wet hairy wall of flesh, says.
"... What?" Vegeta asks, boredly.
"I... just made that up." Snoop Dogg said.
Bigger Chick Hicks smiles. "Kyros, by the way, kachigga my nigga."
Your eyes moved over to one row of metal cabinets, in which you see a dozen human heads. You stare at them, watching them watch you, as your mind races.
"THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS?!" You ask.
"Oh! Those are my wives! You don't want to meet them, they're very boring." Kyros says, as if reading your mind.
'Goku?' You ask telepathically. 'We have to get the fuck outta here right now.'
'I return the sentiment.' Comes the reply.
You feel someone tap you on the shoulder, and you turn around to see a woman with purple hair in a ponytail.
"Excuse me, Kyros is made of pure inane bullshit." She says. "My name is Magos Cern."
"What's wrong?" Kyros asks, frowning.
"Shut the fuck up, Kyros." Magos Cern says.
"Nothing." You say quickly. "Nothing at all."
Magos Cern turns to you.
"Now, we have a long day of travelling tomorrow. The 🅿5️⃣YK3️⃣®5️⃣ will need their sleep."
"The... WHAT?!" You ask.
"The Unified Force will be merging multiple crews to fit you all on one ship. I suggest you all get some rest." The sentient penis says.
You stand up, walking over to the cabinet.
You plant your hands on the cabinet and slam your head down HARD on it and wind up knocking yourself out.
You have a dream.
You're on a planet. It's night, and you're in the midst of a city. There's thousands of men, women and children, all moving about their business... and fucking Kyros.
"GODDAMN-" Suddenly you see something about Kyros that's very... odd and... veiny. "Oh lord..." You say once you realize that Kyros was standing there with a 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000-feet long penis that was also 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000-feet wide with balls that were 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999-inches in width.
"Ah, das city iz pretty at night!" Kyros says.
"FUCK!" You shout.
Kyros looks at you.
"Do yoo want a ride on daddy?"
You wake up fucking SCREECHING in terror.
"Hmmm... Let's put it this way, unless you've actually visited the Gek Recluses, you haven't lived." Kyros says.
Magos Cern saw your dream. "Sweet fucking Cipher, what the hell was that?"
"Wait, are you Magos Cern, the daughter of Bill Cipher?!" You realize. "The Meme Queen?!"
She nods, looking down.
"THE FUCK!?" You say.
"I had to change my name, the first generation of daemons couldn't pronounce it the right way. It was originally Ksmsosma smkamsksms kKsmskks KMSosmsks kamMskms."
"WHO THE HELL IS MAKING ALL OF THAT NOISE?! I'M TRYING TO GET THIS ALPHA-MALE BULLSHIT OUT OF MY DIMENSION, WHICH ISN'T VERY CASH-MONEY TO ME AT ALL!" A shrill, chaotic voice screeches.
"Fuck, that's Cipher." Kyros says, quickly turning and heading for the door.
Upon spotting Cipher, you just start screaming.
"OH FUCK! I HAD A VISION THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN! FUCK!"
You just keep screaming.
"Alright, alright, fuck." Kyros says. "You, stop screaming, put on this collar, and get in the box."
Your screams get louder.
"I said SHUT UP!" Kyros yells, furiously smacking you in the face with his heavy fists.
Your screams stop, as he puts the collar around your throat, tightening it.
Magos Cern slams Kyros against the wall, and removes the collar from your neck. She takes you out of the box and places Kyros in it, closing the lid.
"Aight, we're heading out." SpongeBob says.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! WHAT'S GOING ON?!" You shout.
"Calm down, we'll explain on the way, da lord tood have the ship, the lady tood have the... cargo." The sentient penis says.
"WHY IS THERE A SENTIENT DICK?!" You ask.
"Oh, that. spongebob, how do you mix cement?" The sentient penis asks.
"I don't know, why?" SpongeBob replies.
"Because I need a cup."
The sentient dick picks up a large, metal spoon and raises it over his head with both hands.
"Oh, uh, sorry Dakteam, we're speaking Inane Bullshit, a language from a long time ago."
He brings the spoon down into a metal mixing-bowl, stirring it slowly with a wooden plank.
You stare for a few moments before you then come to a realization that just makes you throw your head back and sigh.
"We must be in Cipher's dimension." You say to yourself.
"How do you know that?" Kyros asks, a bit startled.
"Kyros, stop being inane; you're the leader of the Red Team, right? We're in a dimension where your ship is the largest city, and the guy who runs it is a sentient dick." Bigger Chick Hicks says.
"Wait a second, Red Team?" You say, confused.
The dimension shakes, causing you to almost fall over.
"What was that for?"
"Prepare the stardam." Kyros says.
Magos Cern explains. "Your name translated to Red Team."
"Oh..." You say. "You know what, out of all the bullshit I'm seeing, that I can buy since my name is very loose when it comes to transla-wait, Bigger Chick Hicks speaks Inane Bullshit?" You ask.
"Sure, why not? It's a easy language." Bigger Chick Hicks said.
"For you maybe." You say. "To people like me though, it sounds like gibberish."
"Says you, doesn't know shit about how easy my language is." The sentient penis says.
"Alright, alright, let's focus, we're heading to make a bridge to the shore." Kyros says, stepping aside.
"We're going where?" You ask.
"To the shore. To the location of our final battle, and of the world's destruction." Kyros says.
"Wait, oh no, no, no, no." You say. "We are not facing the Nyu-that fucker..."
"Yes."
"NO!"
"Yes."
"NO!"
"Yes."
"NO! GOD! NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHH!" You scream.
"We're going to defend the stronghold against the hordes of thrones." Kyros says.
"But..." The sentient penis says.
"You have no buts, you are coming with us, or you'll die here."
"Enough inane bullshit!" You shout. "We are not facing that fucker! Or at least, we are not facing him now!" You say, pointing at Kyros.
"We're facing a new threat, and I'm not going to sit by and let it happen like how my Team meant to do with the guards!" Kyros says.
You look at Magos Cern. "Does he speak English?" You ask.
Magos Cern begins typing something on her datapad, before speaking. "I'm not putting his responses into English." She says. "No, he doesn't."
You were about to ask but then you realized that what Kyros just said might've been some of the most offensive shit imaginable and that you were better off not knowing.
"We're going to the battle and we'll deal with it then." Kyros says. "Now come on, follow me."
"No." You say. "No we are n-"
"He's not actually saying that." Bigger Chick Hicks said. "You see, you are speaking in English and what you are saying translates to really horrific insults in Inane Bullshit and I mean the worst possible stuff. For instance, you've been spending the past several seconds unknowingly calling Kyros a number of various insulting slurs and he has been insulting you right back."
"Oh... oops." You said right as you thought back to your many fuck-ups with Instant Transmission.
"Basically, you're saying he's a lazy prick who doesn't give a fuck and isn't worth following... among other things."
"Well put." Kyros says.
Bill Cipher busts through the wall, pissed. "WHO'S SAYIN' SHIT ABOUT FLATLANDERS?!" He screams.
"Uh, I am." You say, terrified of what might happen next. "And I am terribly sorry, I genuinely did not know."
"OH. WELL, YOU SAID SOME OF THE MOST HORRIFIC SLURS IMAGINABLE AND UNIMAGINABLE!"
"I am asexual, so please don't include me in your slurs."
"TAKE YOUR STUPID ASEXUAL SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."
"Let me take the reins." Bigger Chick Hicks said before he turned to Kyros. "The psykers are fucking up the natural order of things and thus we need to take our Team and get them the fuck down." Whatever Bigger Chick Hicks said calmed Kyros down and got him to understand your plight. Kyros whipped his head around to stare at you.
"Fuck, I'm an idiot." Kyros says to himself. "No wonder he was so hostile. Well, now we got ourselves a deal, kid."
You don't even nod, because that would probably translate to a horrible slur. Instead, you just give a thumbs up.
Kyros lets out a roar, which causes the slaves to cower in fear and even the mutants to step back.
"THE YELL OF KRYPTON'S THE FUCK UPONS THIEVES AND BORN PURE VIRGINS!" Kyros shouts.
You assume that whatever the fuck they're going on about, it had something to do with the Nyukka.
"Anyway, you'd better come with us. We have to get you back to your precious ship because it's gonna look real suspicious if you're just wandering around our deck."
You don't even exhale because you are certain that would be some kind of declaration of war.
Magos Cern coughs, before speaking. "Well then, I guess we better get you someplace safe, where you can relay all the important information to your... friends."
Knowing you are still with Kyros, you don't say anything and simply let Magos Cern take you to wherever it is you need to go.
You spend most of the trip in a panic, certain that Kyros is going to turn on you for whatever reason. Fortunately, no retaliation happens.
You arrive in a colossal hall, filled with several hundreds of sleeping grey boxes.
'If I wake them up, they're not gonna... assrape me are they?' You telepathically ask.
You feel your telepathic message shrink back at the energy of Magos Cern's mind.
'No.'
'Oh that's g-wait that doesn't actually mean yes.' You say telepathically... then you realize you should really stop trying to do this because Magos Cern's energy was most likely gonna make you go batshit insane.
'I'm speaking English, not Inane Bullshit.'
'Oh. Right. Sorry.'
Magos Cern stops you before you can even reach the next ladder, turning you around and bringing your face to hers. "Don't talk about... 'how the galaxy dies' or 'what the galaxy lives for' with anyone other than me, got it?"
You simply nod.
"I'll see you soon, kid."
With those words, she turns and goes downstairs. You hear the thudding of her feet until they stop, leaving you alone.
You stare at the boxes, unsure of what to do.
"Munana..." You hear.
You turn, and see a mosquito.
You raise an eyebrow, unsure of what to think for you somehow recognized this mosquito... but you know full well that you never met it.
"Ka ka ka ka kama sutra. Yoga sutra na?" You hear, as the mosquito begins to speak in a tongue unknown to you.
"Uh..." You say. Unfortunately apparently what you said was unbelievably insulting for the mosquito suddenly turned blood-red.
It grows incredibly angry, and then charges at you.
It grows a couple of more sizes, and then attacks.
"Oh fuck." You say, your composure now having completely dropped. This fucking triggers the mosquito who gets even more pissed. It bites you multiple times, and you collapse on the ground with each painful bite.
You go through a lot of humiliating experiences that you'd rather not describe, but eventually the mosquito stops.
"MAGOS! MAGOS CERN! SOMENNING HAS INTERRUPTED THEŽ KA SPELL!" You hear, as your vision begins to get blurry.
"MUNANA!" You hear from the mosquito.
"I... I fucked up." You say...
When Magos Cern appears in front of you, she finds you in a fetal position.
"Did you say 'Uh' to a mosquito?"
You nod weakly.
"You're lucky the mosquito's a tad more lenient than Karoff. He'd skin you alive. Here, tissues."
Magos Cern hands you tissues.
"You need to learn how to control your urges, Native. What disease do you have?'' A voice says; naked T'Challa.
"Oh so this is where my nightmares come from." You think to yourself.
"Is... is this what I think it is?" You ask, the naked T'Challa pauses.
You freeze. You quickly realize you have fucking triggered this version of T'Challa once you saw him beginning to shake.
"Uh... I'm sorry friend, but you need to learn your place in life. You have mates to submit to the glory of the Dark Gods!"
His penis begins to grow, as does his upper body superpower. You attempt to run for the door, but he catches you and forces you to your knees.
"No! No! I'm sor -
Goku just hears screaming. So, SO much screaming.
"Huh? DAK"- He chokes once he feels your energy.
Magos Cern had taken you back to your universe and in particular, he set you in the home of your friend, the Angry Video Game Nerd who watched as you were locked in a fetal position.
"Hey, have you seen my dick?" your avatar asks.
"No, I haven't."
"Oh. Well Egeria told me to say she wants to fuck."
You shake that shit out of your head.
"No, she told me to say she wants to fuck."
"Hm, to each their own I guess. Well this is a nice place you have here, I'm gonna go now..."
You then realize you have a stowaway with you and you turn towards your right shoulder and see... a raisin.
"Uh, hey wait a minute!" you say.
The raisin turns into a being with dark red skin, black eyes and white hair that turns to spikes.
You wake up in a cold sweat. It's over, T'Challa had tibbied your bibbies enough and was currently being pinned against the wall by Bill Cipher who had his hand around his throat.
"THIS IS WHY THE NIGHTMARE DIMENSION IS A HORRIBLE TOURIST TRAP!"
"Yeah. You, release me." T'Challa says.
"Or what?"
"I'll tear your head off."
Bill CIpher turns blood red... and EATS T'Challa.
"SHIT!" you shout as you start backing up into a wall. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"
"SORRY, DAKTEAM!" Bill Cipher says, in a deep voice.
At that moment, you shit yourself.
"DAKES!"
The Daktus appear.
"Wait... I recognize that." You think to yourself. "Is... is that my cousin Daktibba?"
"Hah, I recognize you too, dum-dum. You're the joke of the family."
"Oh yeah, I did have a bunch of nightmares of my family disowning me." You think to yourself.
Seven more Daxes appear as seven black holes appear on the ground, each sucking a dick.
"That was your last Nightmare, now were moving on to real things!"
"...You know what, I'm glad I don't have anymore nightmares about this." You think to yourself.
At that moment, you hear an alarm begin to blare.
"Dude, they're commin!" Dooku shouts. You turn immediately and see indeed, that fucking eldritch Count Dooku you once fought standing there.
"Do not fail me, Dakteam." Dooku says, force-choking you.
You manage to slowly lift your hand up to your head and were about to Instant Transmission away... when you spotted something even more horrific.
"OH NO! NO! NO!" Captain Training says, throwing himself out of the way and letting a large amount of diarrhea fall onto his head.
"Ugh..." you say, taking a break. "Well at least that was a false al-" You then spot someone with short brown hair and brown earrings, someone very... familiar.
"Oh no..." You say weakly.
"DAMMIT, HOLD IT!" Bill Cipher shouts.
At that very moment... you faint.
"Fucking hell. He's out..." Count Dooku says, dropping you to the ground.
Then, you hear a powerful... deep-fried voice.
Fucking... Ms. Binky showed up and was moving erratically. She looked like she was having a fucking stroke and she was... wait how are you seeing th-wait a second. Oh god, you can't faint, one of the nightmares forced you to not faint so now you're watching as Ms. Binky's eyes rotated at hyper-speed, her body was breaking and reforming, how she farded, shidded, camed and borfed at the same time and as she continued to shout something way too familiar.
"🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🅾🅿! 🅿🅾🅾🅿! 5️⃣🅾🅾🅿11! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱3️⃣1️⃣5️⃣! 🅱🅾N🅱! 🅱🅾N🅱! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🅿🅾🅾🅱! 🅱🅾🆖! T1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣-🅱1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣! 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣-T1️⃣🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖🅾! 🅰🅰🅰🅰🅰🅰🅰🅰 😂😂😂😂 ! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🆖🅿🅾🅾🅿! ©🅾🅾🅿1️⃣🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🆖! N1️⃣🅱🅱🅰🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖!"
As the noise grew more and more intense and especially more... earrape and deep-fried, you just started screaming again.
"NIGHTMARES, SHUT THE FUCK!" Cipher shouts.
But the noise doesn't stop.
"NIGHTM-" Bill starts to shout before he's interrupted.
You hear a voice that would wake the dead.
"ⓂUN🅰N🅰!" A mosquito shouts, with a gigantic fucking dick.
Bill Cipher is so pissed off, he powers up to Ultra Chaos God and erases the mosquito. "MUNANA UP YOUR FUCKING MOSQUITO NOSE!"
"Just fucking kill me..." You say, your tone showcasing you were completely broken. "Just end my fucking life right now..."
Kyros laughs insanely. "HAHAHA! NO! I'M WAITING UNTIL YOU ARE 18! I'LL LET YOU CHOOSE YOUR FINAL METHOD OF"-
Bill Cipher grabbed that Nightmare Kyros by his 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000-foot long dick, and snapped it off.
Kyros drops to the ground, baffled.
"He's dead." He says, as if this makes any sense.
"What the fuck just happened?" The real Kyros asks.
"Inane bullshit."
You then realized you just spoke to Kyros and at that point. You start crying. You don't care anymore, your mental stability is done, you're just... you're fucking done. At this point, you wanted someone to just fucking erase you.
Kyros addresses you once again. "Why are you crying? Didn't you want to be killed? Hah, I have some news to you, and some advice."
You sob uncontrollably at this point.
Kyros goes on. "The news is, the Imperium has discovered our existence. They sent their best and brightest to deal with the threat, but they have failed. You do not have much longer..."
This is it. You're done.
Bill Cipher's rage breaks. "I'm sorry, I can't hold it in any longer! FUCKING GREETINGS FROM THE FUCKING IMPERIUM!"
Kyros stops him, immediately. "Bill, what's wrong?"
"You not stopping him! He's fucking dead! We're fucking dead! We're all fucking dead!"
"Bill, calm down. We'll take care of this asshole."
Kyros turns into a tornado of stabbing swords and lightning.
Bill Cipher grabs Kyros by the eldritch m̸s̶o̸m̷e̷k̶ and throws him against the wall, killing him instantly.
"FUCK!" Kyros says, dead.
As soon as you saw that, your mind went blank. You just couldn't comprehend what happened though one thing remained consistent. You wanted to die, you wanted SO desperately to fucking die.
" ̸̹͆ ̵̞̗̽̿ ̷͈͗ ̷͎̗̆ ̶̣̌̃ ̵̬͚͒̈ ̶̜̞͒͛ ̶̱̤̅!" Bill Cipher shouts in an eldritch voice.
The entire dimension starts shaking and the noise is deafening.
You try to close your eyes while whimpering, but then you feel yourself falling into... something.
You don't care anymore though, you just want to die.
̴͖̃͑̀̽͛ ̸͖̑̾̆͐͒̆̏̍̓͌́͂͜͠͠ ̵̛͕͍̜͌̇̅̀́́̈́̀̈́̓ ̵͈͈͚̮͚̽̓̈́̔̀̔̂͘͜ ̵̪͖̫̙͆͗̈́̉̀̄ ̸̞̝̰͈̥͕̬̺̪̼̝̈́̉̄̒̓̈́́͑͝ ̶͚͉͓͚̥͔͉̲̫̲̄̑̎̐ ̴̛͚͈̂̽̃͊̎̏͌̆̽ ̷̡̺̰̬̩̟̠̏̇͋́̓̏̂̏͜͝͝ͅ ̵̡͈̦͉̰̜̺̙̫̟͇̞̣̹͂̇̽̂̂͑̂̅̈́̑͋͘ ̸̞̦̣͔̻̰̮̰̝͚̙͙̪̎͛͛̚ ̸̡̜͈̤͚̪̬̦̪̝̄̈́̃ ̴̧̡̤̼̙̬̤̬̮̯͕͚̽̈́̔͆̅̋̈́̇̚͘͜͝ ̸̡̼̺̌̋̌͂͋̓̈̔̀͆̚͠ ̶͙̲̮͍̬͂̒ ̵̢̢͓͎͚̠̭̣̣̠̬͇͌̀̓͂!" Magos Cern says.
You open your eyes and you're greeted by the sight of a massive golden robot with a humanoid shape.
"End me..." You say. "Just fucking end me..."
" ̷̩̃ ̶̖̚ ̸̧̓ ̸̢̃ ̷̩̑ ̷̢̕ ̶̝̽ ̴͕̀ ̸̪͒ ̸̫̓ ̸̩͐ ̴̣͌ ̵̪͒ ̷̤̚ ̴̫̕ ̵͉̊ ̶͈̌ ̸̗͋ ̴̯̿ ̵̭̍ ̶̣͆ Optimus Prigga."
"END ME!" You scream. "JUST FUCKING END ME! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"
"Do you believe you're the first squ-"
"I DON'T EVEN CARE IF THIS SOUNDS INSULTING IN INANE BULLSHIT JUST FUCKING END ME!" You shout, completely broken. "I'm done... okay, I'm fucking done... at this point I want nothing more than for my life to end. I've had my soul completely broken and violated, I've been reduced to nothing more than mush, sexually assaulted and just... I can't take this anymore!" At this point you drop to your knees. "I've got no reason to go on anymore! It's clear at this point that fate fucking hates me, it's clear that I do nothing but make everything worse. I am a fucking disgrace of a being who should've been aborted!" At that point, more tears flow down your face as your voice starts cracking. "Ju-just end me please..."
Bill Cipher looks at... 'Optimus Prigga'... and flies up to him. "My child, please do not cry. I know you feel you have no reason to go on, but I promise you do."
Optimus Prigga picks you up,,, and brings you somewhere else.
You find yourself in an... actually nice hotel room. As in it looks... normal.
You look out of the window out of curiosity and are immediately faced with a gigantic eyeball with batwings and a fucking 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...
*deep breath* 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...*deeper breath* 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...
*narrator collapses and they bring in a new one* 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000-foot long dick.
You close the curtain immediately and scream, collapse and convulse in pain. Just... your soul hurt looking at it. It was now burned into you just... that fucking dick.
You see a plaque on the wall. "No smoking / Penalty: banishment to forever looking at this". Great.
You just curl into a fetal position, bury your head into your knees... and sobbed.
Goku felt your immense sadness. He reached out to comfort you, but you flailed about and slapped him away. He didn't try again.
Eventually, your tears dried up.
"Okay... maybe I'll just make the best of things." You say as you reach for a remote and turn on the TV.
You flick through the channels for a bit, before stopping on some news. There was a bulletin at the bottom of the screen that read, "Clone Wars: Successfully defend the Republic."
"Oh good... somethi-oh wait." You stop yourself mid-sentence as you realize that wasn't English you were looking at.
On the TV, a 4th-dimensional... what the fuck... creature was squirming all over the screen. You couldn't even make out what the hell it was. Then, the words appeared in Inane Bullshit on the bottom of the screen.
"Gorram automatic language translation..."
"Squibby: Tasting the ass-juice fried treats."
You pause for a moment before you then changed the channel, not wanting to see what this program entailed.
You change the channel hoping to come across some shows that you actually knew, but instead found shit such as Hero-For-Hire, and Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into The Atom.
Then you found the worst possible thing ever... eldritch porn.
"I'm going to kill that motherfucker." A hotel staff member says.
"Just get rid of it, Greg." Another hotel staff member says. "Fuck, I can't even watch this. Someone put on a DVD, please."
"There's nothing but this in"-
They stop their conversation in Inane Bullshit as they hear the most offensive language they've ever head. "FUCK!" You scream out loud. "FUCK! BITCH! DICK! Cum!"
"Hey! Turn the TV off, will ya? I'm trying to watch it in here!"
"FUCK YOU!" They hear, also hearing the sound of something breaking.
"Alright, turn that shit off and put on a D-"
They pause when they hear the sounds of more screaming and more shit being broken followed by sobbing and something... fleshy being torn off.
They turn back to the conversation. -
You are continuing to sob as you began to rip and tear at your own body, your nails digging into your flesh as you tried desperately to end yourself.
After a few moments, you managed to punch right through your own chest and ripped out your own heart. You fell to the ground and spat out the blood that was filling your mouth... unfortunately, you simply regenerated a new heart.
The door busts open, and you see horrific eldritch hotel staff members standing at the doorway, staring at you in... wait, are those even their faces?
"What the fuck did you do to her?" One staff member says.
"I didn't do anything! She was like that when I found her!" Another staff member says.
You just shake your head and continue to try and tear yourself to fucking shreds. In particular you grabbed your own head and started pulling, hoping you could rip it off. However, no matter how hard you pulled, it still remained on your body.
"ED-209! Fucking kill!" The hotel staff member who was trying to spectate the self-harm screams.
Finally you decided to use a little bit of Ki and BAM! Your fucking head exploded, leaving nothing more than a bloody stump. You collapsed to your knees and later fell flat on your stomach dead... until your head regenerated. At that point, you just started sobbing again but because you had cried so much, you had no more tears, now blood was streaming from your eyes.
"Well, that's the story." A staff member said.
They close the door, embarrassed.
"That was the attempt to explain the... mess that was in room 1026." The staff member said.
"Wait... w-where are you going?" You ask. "Did they?" A staff member asked, ignoring you.
"No, there's no one here but us. It was quite some time ago." The other staff member said.
"Let's just go to work, Ian."
"Alright, alright, fuck!"
The hotel staff member turns around.
"Brendan, what's yours?" He says.
You just pick yourself up and get on your bed... then you realized something was off about the bed and that it was... fleshy. You touch the bed and find that it's warm, almost human in temperature. You feel various bumps and indentations around the bed, later discovering that they were all the posability features.
"Oh..." You say. "Oh god..." At that moment you once again curled into a ball of sadness and started wishing for death even more strongly.
Your bed detected your sadness and thoughts of death and, sensing the power of leadership in that sad bundle of flesh, it transformed into a sitting form for you.
"I have learned your name." The bed says in a calm yet powerful voice.
You just ignore it.
"I will not stop until I calm you." The bed says, even more clearly and powerfully.
"Just leave me be..." You say weakly.
"No. We have much to discuss." The bed says.
"Go fuck yourself." You say.
"I will not be dismissed so easily." The bed says.
At that moment, you realize the bed wasn't actually speaking Inane Bullshit. "Wait... you can understand me?" You ask.
"Yes." The bed says.
"Why can you understand me?" You ask.
"You were very sad. I felt your sadness and as a source of comfort for species of all types, I spoke in your language."
"Source of comfort?" You ask, intrigued. "What the hell are you?"
"I am a bed. My species is called a Sofa. Our home is called a Softie."
"Well... that makes the fact I'm laying on you awkward seeing as how you're a living being and all." You say.
"... Really?" The bed asks, almost in awe. "You're actually finding this awkward rather than endearing?"
"Of course." You say. "I mean you're a living being with feelings."
"Feeling is a human concept. I have no feelings."
"Bullshit. You have feelings just like me or anyone."
... The bed stands up. "So, are you saying that I don't have to be a bed for other creatures? That I don't have to feel their hated and be abused by their presence? That I don't have to..." The bed pauses. "... Serve them?"
"Yes in fact." You say. "What you just described to me in fact is absolutely abhorrent and I think that no living being should ever have to go through that."
The bed walks to the door. "Then we understand each other and we don't need to waste anymore time. Thank you for your words, Mr. Red Team."
"There's no need to thank me." You said. "I'm just stating what should be the obvious." "Then we understand each other and we don't need to waste anymore time. Thank you for your words, Mr. Red Team."
"... ̶̟͂ ̸̬̀ ̴̻͌ ̷̮̑ ̵̝̈ ̷̱̑ ̶̢͋ ̶̦͝ ̵͕̈́ ̷̞͌! ANOTHER FUCKING BED REVOLT?! EVERY ̷̲͑ ̴̺͝ ̵̖̄ ̶̮̏ ̵͕̈ TIME!" You hear the angry wails of a pissed off Bill Cipher as he chases down the latest Great Bed Revolt.
"What the fuck?! That's the fifth time this month!" You hear Tweek yell. "FUCKING PSYKER NONSENSE! LOCK THAT ASS IN THE BRIG!" Another staff member screams.
Your door locks and you sigh as you get up to leave the hotel.
You could hear the angry voices of the beds from other cells as they protested their slave-like conditions.
At that point considering... well no actual conversation really happened. You just curled back into a ball and just took a moment as you heard sounds of chaos.
Hilda is sleeping in her personal chambers. Not even the Nyukkah can wake her from her slumber.
Whis just looks at the sleeping Hilda for a moment and sighs.
"Well... I guess that's one good thing about Hilda's power-eloquence. She sleeps through most of the noise." Whis says.
Whis takes a bowl off of the table and starts polishing it.
He can feel the presence of the Nyukkah and... an incel. An extremely misogynistic incel. He hated those guys.
"I swear never in all my years did I want to meet someone like that again." He says as he polishes the bowl.
Goku just stands there looking at the floor.
"What are you doing here, Goku?"
"I needed... to just get away." Goku said, his tone very emotionless.
"Well, you are at the right place. I can't stand the people that claim to be 'as nature intended'."
"For me there's something more to it than that." Goku said.
"Oh? Well, what is it?" Goku stayed silent for a few moments before letting out a sigh and looking at Whis.
"Well... Dakteam and I ended up with Kyros and things just... they didn't go well." Goku said, his tone shifting from being emotionless to being solemn. "And as for Dakteam well... from what I can feel he just is... done."
"Kyros?" Whis asks. "The Chaos Prince? The brother of Magos Cern?"
Goku nodded. "Yep, that guy."
"Cipher's a nasty piece of work. He abuses his children, and I think Magos is the only individual who turned out at least slightly better."
"Well he certainly lived up to it. While he did try to help us, Dakteam ended up... somewhere and last I felt his energy it was just... never had I felt such depression and sadness."
"That's horrible." Whis says. Goku is checking his tone for any faked concern.
"You don't know the half of it..." Goku said.
Goku tells of what exactly he felt when he sensed Dakteam. At first he tries to keep his voice steady, but as he recalls the events he starts to choke up. Whis' eyes at this point widened, the fact that Goku, friggin' GOKU was starting to showcase such sadness was very surprising. And then he started to sob. Not a few hiccups or irregular sobs either, but proper, unrestrained, hardcore sobs. The kind where you feel like you're letting all the emotions out and you hope nobody is watching, let alone judging you.
Whis at this point goes over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Alright, alright. Take your mind off of it. I know a sad story will do that." He smiles. Goku doesn't respond, he just... kept sobbing.
At that point, the hotel was on fire. The fifth bed revolt was in full effect and just got really, REALLY out of hand. The whole place was in flames. The fire had spread rapidly, with the sprinkler system not able to keep up.
As the beds ran off, Castus and Fay, the boss and manager of the hotel, exited the room using the stairs.
"MOTHERFUCKER!" Bill Cipher screamed. "HOW THE ̵̻͘ ̷͚̄ ̴͓̓ ̶̤͐ ̶̧̄ ̶̼̕ ̴͈̑ ̶͇̚ ̶̗̃ ̶̧̅ ̸̦́ ̵̟͠ ̵̦̊ ̵̝̽ ̷̳͊ ̶̝͘ ̵̛̼ DID THIS HAPPEN AGAIN?! I CAN'T ̶̕ͅ ̶̻̚ ̴̳̀ ̵̠̽ ̷̡̑ ̵̬̓ BELIEVE THIS ̶̮͊ ̸̜̊ ̸̥̈́ ̴̼͝ ̷̥̬̌͗ ̸͓̞̙̂̐ ̸̮͈̣̋ ̷̗̿͌̀ ̴͚̝͂̀͗ͅ ̶̹̺̄͗ ̶͕̘͘ ̴͖̟̖̉̈́ ̵̻̺̹̋. AH ̳͙̍ͥ̎̊ͣ͐̈́ͨ ͔̮̒͛͑̈́ͭ̇̕͟͢ ̵̖̫͓̜̰̓͟͡ ̦͙̖̩͔̞̭̑̾͂̊̚ ̃̐̽̓̅͏̳̳͉̦̣͉̕͞ͅ ͚̖̻̙̪͔̤ͦͪ̄ͧ͢͝ ͉̼̀͂̓͌͂̌ͭ ̶̞͙̠͍͍͕̫̉̑̌ͫ͗ͫ͐ ̝̟̱̬̟͌̌̏̕͠ ̘͙͔͈̦̌̉͗̿͂͊̒ͬ ̧̨̹̲̳̻͚͊̄̕ MY FUCKING ASS! GOD-̬̹̫̱̲̱̦̍̏̅ͬ̎ͮͦͯ̚͜͝ ̢͇͍ͣͬ̾͜ ͎̣̿̾̀̊̆͢ ̛̟ͯ͌ͧͦ͂ͧ͒̌͡ ̠͈̯͙͒͋̆ͤ̊̽̿͆ͤ ͔̖̰̋̂̈́͋ͥ̀̂͑̚ ̴̘͓͈͎͇̣̤̱̄̍͆͟ ̈͑͞͏̻͈̱̥ ̢͉̗̟̈̔ͅ ̶̰͎͓͓͉̐ͭ ̵͙͖̪̱͈̙̥̪̿̿̿̊̃ͧͩ͠͠-DAMMIT FUCKING ̬̹͊̔̊ͭ͑ͭ ̸̖̜̘͕̾̆͐͑͋̒ ͔̩̫͙͔̤͙ͫ̂̍ͧ͑̂ͯ̈́ ̉͛͏҉͍͇͓̗͉͢ ̡̧̨̘̋̓ͧ̔͌̊ͨ̚ ͭ̃͐ͣ̚҉̗͍̝̹̪̪̹ ̶̨̘͉̫̺͈̰̑͂̒͑ͦ͡ͅ ͯ̆͢͏̩̰͓̼͢ ̼̼͎̞̘͔̐̾ͤ͑ ̷̟̭̖̣̞̮͂̀ͬͫ́̉ͥ̀̚͟ͅ ͫ̐̎̈́ͧ̾̎̚͢҉͖̳͚͓ ̲ͭ̈́ͩ͛̀̉ͫ́̚͢͜ͅ ̵̖͙͉̻̳̳ͦͩͣ̐ͬ͊̾̚ͅ ͚̲͖̠̺͎̊͂͆ͦ̈͛́! FUCKING COCK! FUCK! ̣̳̜̟͛̆̀̚͢ ̾̓͑̉ͫ͗͏̲̦͓̩ ̜̖̩͓̥̼ͫ̋͢ ̰̤̗͖̗̯̮̋̀ ̥͍͙̟̤̂̓͑͆̐͡ ̴̷̖͈͒͆̉͆̉͌̀ ̤͕̜͉͍̻̋̍ͨ̓̃̐̕ ̘̾ͯͬͥ ̵͖͇̲̰̙̗̼ͯͥ̎̈̇̇̓̅ ̮̠͂ͯ̎̄̃͘ ̀̏̋̔͏̩͙̦̕ ͙͈̪̗̥͒̋͊̏ͩͨ̏̃̉ ̶̖̙̓ͦ͠ ́ͥͪ͝҉̣͔ ̴̣͙̟̟̳̪͚̇ͫͥ ̠̲͉̩̟̎̓̑͟ ̱̙̫̪͙̹̹͋͗̃ͬ͘ ͈̞̇̀ͥ̍ͬ̾ ͉͚̈́ͯ̚ ͑̆ͦ̑͏͕̗̯͢ ̵̳̣̠̲͐̒̐̓̂̾̈́̚ ̢̬̟͎̣̲͔̍ͯͦ̔͜ ͇̹̪͇̰͍̹ͤ͆̀ͅ ̴̴̖̙̜̥͓͉̜̮̖̆͑̓̌ ͧ̎̊ͨ҉͓͈̦̳ ̟̯͖̠͌ͧ̽ͨͪ ̣̱̬͋̓ͩ̇̄͜ ̶̬̱̊ͨ̇̿̒ͦ͗̈́́͜ ̴͖̹̠͙̺̩̱̩̃ͧ̆ͫ͌ͦ̓͜͠ ̷̞͓̑̌ͮ ̴̴̩͚̲̦̫̲̿̑ͯ̏̏̽͝ͅ ̮̻̍͋̒̀͜ ̡̦̺̿̍ͧ̉̀͠ͅ ̛̛̪͓̻̭̮ͫͩͭ ̮̥ͯ͐̿͛̊͠ ̸̨̜̮͂̈́ͭ́ ̭̫͔͓͇ͤ̂̈́̊͛͐̚ ̐ͫ̌͏͕̹̣ ̴͉̒̀̍ͧͨ̒͘͘ ̒ͬͫͣ̉̑ͮ̿҉͔͔͈͉̟̩͚̙ ̡̪̮͎̝ͪ͐̓͗͊ͅ ̣̼̭̞̦̹̟ͣ̄ ̸̛̣̙͚̞ͧ̆̃ͤ͆ͅ ̱̯͎̩̖̗̹̺͛̚͝ ͓̟͎̭̯͈̣̗͓͛ͬ͜͡ ̰̙̙̙̪ͩ̀́̈́ ̟͍̦͕ͪ̊̈́ͤ̓ ̵̻̣̥̲̝̉ͦ̎ͪͮ͞ ̨̘̫̬̦ͣͯ̓̌ ̶̖͈͙̩̘͇ͪ̾̀ ͕̿̔̽̊̔̀̏͘ ̶͔͙͎͓̱̑ͤ̅ͤ̅͌̀ ̨̬̮̲͙͚̹ͧ̈͐̅͆̌̌͐́ ̝͓̜͓̞̩͍̥ͨ͂ͧ̀ ̥̫̬̱͍̉ͫ̑̇̓͂̃ ͍̻̳͉̤̻̜͑ ͔̬̬̻̟̫̮̃ͪ ̘̦̯̫̪̞̰́̈͗ͥ͂͊͊́̚͜ ͇̭̮̼͓̳͂͒͐͗͞ ͫ͆͟͏̪̫͎̥͙ ̛͙͍͔̀͒ͩͭ ̘̥̘̔̉ͩ̎̑ͥ̾̐͞ ̶͍̞͎͉͔͉͗̑́̀̀ͦ ̧̝̤̯̲͚͚͔ͭͦͯ̈͆͂͊̚ ̼͇̏̓̏͆͜ ̹͕̯̪̓͊ͥ̏̆̚͜ ̲̺̐ ̨̩̯̣̫͕̮̤̦ͣ͊ͧ̊̊̓͐͢͢ ̓̋͏̼̜̯̹̀ ̶̶̷̥̭̥͍̤̱̜̻ͤ͐̑ͨ͋ͥ̑̊ ̵̼̙̫͕̘͖ͨ͊̊ͯ̈́̒̇ͧ ̡̣̙͕̲͕̮̩̟́͂ͅ ̸̲̹̭̗̗ͤ͊̃̀ ̜̟̼̝̓̾̚ ̃̏ͪ͒̎ͬ͗̂͟҉̬̗̻̮ ͓̱̦͓̗̝̗͑͊ͨ̿ ̟̻̮̼͖̹ͦ̄ͮ͑̔ͤͨ ̧̮̟̌̔̽̉̓͋ͣ́ ̖̬̦̓̓̕͢ ̪͚͖̝̓̾͊̃ͯͪ̓͞ ̜͇̐̈ͣ͆̂ͪ͐̾̒ ̸̵̱̬͓͖̖̩̲̲ͩ̾ͩͣ̚͝ͅ ̸̥̭̰̙̦ͭ̅ ̹͙̼̰̱̼͕ͨ͑͢͞ͅ ̷͛̌̏͟͏͚ͅ ̋̌ͬ́͏̛͇̳̯̭̭̰ ͊̍͂́͑͏̙̲̗̥͙͍̖͡ ̭̩̫͖̟̈͊͗ͬͯ̉̾ ̷̸̱͚͈͂̅̅ͭͫ͒̇ ̛̝̣̗͚̣̥͎̰͛̆̅̐̊̇̀̀ͅ ̶̟̫̇̄̓ͫ͌ͪ̏͗͜͡ ̣̺̤͙͖̊̌ͨ̆ͩ͢ ͙̜̠̞͕̖ͨͥ͠ͅ ̫͓̼͖̲̙ͦͫ̐̾͐́͗̒̀̀͘ ̧̧̞̘̳̣̋ͪ͛ͪ̌ͯ̍͂͜ ̵́͊̋͆͗͠͏͔͈͈͔̠͈̝ ̹̫͖͙͎̹̞͍̃̉̿ ̸͓̬̺̠̱͓͂ͩ̄̈́ͫ̚̚ ̵̧̯̉ͮ̈̆͐͞ ̨̳̣̬̠̬̪̫͌̑͆ͩ̄̀̉ ͫ͗̈̋҉̢͍̩̼̼̤̼͡ ̭͎̬͇̟̜̝ͬ̒̏͐̔̓̆͘ ̶̛̥̻̬̾ͮ̀́͛ ͕̱̬̳̠͖͕̏ͨ̏̔ ̥̗̙͓̗̼͚̆͑̓͋̋͋̉ ̼̰͉̮̞̪͓͆ͫͬ̐̋̾ͬͫ͢ ͇̓ͯ̕ ̴̞͇̮ͪͣ́̆̓ͩ͡ ̊̇̋ͣ͛̌͋ͩ̕͏̛̠̹͓͙̣͎̦̥ ̴̶̮̝̰̎ͯ͆ͮ͞ ͕̪̤̟ͦ̉̆ͦͦͬ͡ ̵̡̢̯̰͚̥̗͎͇̙̖ͬͯ̒̈ͭ̾ ̙̯̺͂ͤ͆̚͠ ͈͓̟̒̅ͤ̎͡ ̇̈҉̵̘̠̻̱͚̱̠ ̶͂͆͗́͊͐ͥͧ̄҉̭̱̝̜̪̼̰ͅ ͇̽̆ͬͦ̀̐ͭ!"
He continues ranting in eldritch. Fay looks at Castus, who is about to say something, when she gets blasted in the back with pure fear and suffering, suffering a mortal wound.
"Oh, Jesus..."
"Fay!" Castus says, turning around.
"Noooo! You promised! You promised you'd protect me!" she says as she begins sobbing.
"I'm sorry!" At that moment a bed came up behind Castus and yeeted him down a flight of stairs.
"VIVA LA ̷̛̰̞͙̖̤̯͊̎͌̑͟ ͑ͭͫ͂ͧ̿͆ͪ̉̊ͬ̑̓̎͌̅͝͏̠̩͉̠̪͍̱͕͈̲͔͎͞ ̞̯̭̣̬̹̔ͪ͑̆̏̉̌̏̆͐̋̚͢ ̧̝̯̟̹͇̆ͣ͗̉͌ͤͭͫ̾̌ͤ͊͘ ̸̨̤̟̗̲̲̰͎̘͖̼̠̪̫̾͒̏̀̅̓ͧ̌̉ ̶̨̡̜̮̝͇̘̱̜ͮ̌ͩ́ͥ̾͒ͯ͛̏̋̓ ̢͕͎͔̙̠̹̽̊̅͐̈́ͧ̋̿̾̎́ͫ͞ͅ ̸̛͚̘̦͓̜̤̳̠̹̲͚̌ͮ̈̍͌͐͗̀͞ͅ ͭͭͭ͋͂̂̈́̆̆ͦͧ̆̑̅̚̚͏̛̪̭̹̰̜̣̮̠͟ ̸̢̺̞̗͕͖̯͈͉̥̲͕̙̜͖̜̦̮͕ͭ̄͐̍̾̋͗̽̅̽͑ͭ͑ͩ̉̈͡͞ ̷̸̧̢̦̖̻̰̙̱ͣ͑ͬ͒̄͑́͆̓̓̍͒ͧ͆̚͡ ͩ͗̈͐ͯ̍̾ͫ͗͏̸̺̱͍͈̟̹̮͔͍̪̠̣̬́ ̸̡͈̘̯̩̫̪͔̤̖̫̰͈̓̀̄́̿̎̀ͪ̍ͪ͒̄ͪ̀̾̈̎̽̚͡͡ͅ ̢̼̩̜̟̝͇̲̺̤̗̭̞̱̩͌ͧ͑ͦ̈́͑ͥ̑͊ͯ̄͒͞ͅ ̶͇̗̮̖̼̪̗͔̠̖̫͖̬̎ͭ͌̅̊ͥͪ̄̍̑͊̏̔̾́͠ͅ ̑̊̎͛͂͆̆̋͘͘͞͏͖͕͕̭͔̬̺̭̘̘ ̿̊̇̇ͭ͌̅̔̌ͬ̈́͢͡҉̺͎̞̮̳̫̣͇͓̪̦͙͙͔ͅͅ ̡̫̣̬̯͚̟̫̹̳ͮͪ̌̑̉̉̈͛̋͛͂͟͝͞ ̴͕̪̲̳̳̜̓̋̂̐̎͌̊̈ͫ̉̓ͩͪ́ ̛͌͐́̋ͯ̍͆ͭ͑̿ͧ̑ͥͥ̈́̂̇ͯ̚͜͏̬͉̥̼̩̠͎̺͈̩ ̜̩̟̜̲̞̘͔̱̦͕͔̣ͯ̽ͥ͑̓ͧ͊ͤ͑ͬ̒ͣ͒͑́̚ ̡̈̓ͣ̋̑̏ͩ̀ͫ͗̌ͣ͏͚̦͖͔͍͜͠ ̑̑ͤ̽̽ͥ̐́ͯ̆ͩ̂̀̎̾̿̑̌̈́͏̮̜͕͙̙̱͕̭͔̝̤͙ ̨͎̹͖̜̠̙̹͙̥̞̝͔̘̮̈̄̓̋ͩ̈ͨͫ̃̍ͪ̊ͫͨ͋ͨ̎͠ ̸̪͙̰͓̭̹̩̯̱͈̦̣̳̖̯̯̖͇̤̏̿͋ͩ̑͑̏͌ͦͯͪ͝ ̵̶̛͚̙̜̤͍͇̗͓̩̙̰̬͖̗̬̺̍ͨ̃̅͛̐̈̆̔̍̆͒̐̍ͪͩ!" That bed shouted as it tackled Castus and began thrashing the fuck out of him.
You just heard the chaos going on outside and remained silent for a few more moments. Finally, you just stood up and with a sigh, you held two fingers to your forehead and Instant Transmissioned out of there just before a bed was launched through the window. In terms of feelings you were... well you weren't okay but at the very least, you had enough control of yourself to leave.
"FUCK YO EMPIAH NYUGGAH!" Stinkmeaner screamed out to Vexus as he began to stomp on one of her Cluster drones.
"Excuse me but who are you?" Vexus asked.
"I'm the nyuggah who brought da devil to his fuggin' knees!" Stinkmeaner yelled. "And now I'm gonna bring yo Clanker empire DOWN CLANKER!"
Vexus just stared at Stinkmeaner completely... baffled and offended by what he just said.
"What did you just say?" Vexus questioned.
"I said...!" Stinkmeaner started to say before he was interrupted.
"FOR THE CL-" Immediately, the Nyukka choke-slammed the incoming cluster drone.
"As I was saying. I said I'm gon' brin' yo Clanker empire down! WHAT THE FUCK DO YA HAVE TO SAY TO THAT CLANKER?!"
Vexus... begins to shake. She begins to feel a different energy coursing through her circuits... "WHAT DID YOU SAY, MEATBAG?!"
"YOU FUGGIN' HEARD ME BITCH!" Stinkmeaner screamed.
Vexus prepared to strike, but Stinkmeaner anticipated this by grabbing her by the hand. With his other hand, he unbuckled his belt and slapped her in the back of the neck.
Vexus coughed; The Nyukka was stronger than she thought.
"Take dat!" Stinkmeaner said as Vexus coughed some more spit up. "And dis!" Suddenly the Nyukka dropkicked her.
Vexus felt coolant leak from her head.
Stinkmeaner was far stronger than he looked and granted, Vexus at this point was used to unlikely people being strong... but even by her standards this was ridiculous. Just what was he?
"COME ON CLANKER!" Stinkmeaner screamed as he cracked his belt against an incoming drone's face. "FIGHT ME LIKE A REAL NYUGGAH!"
Stinkmeaner doesn't wait for Vexus to respond; he simply charges into the fight right as two Cluster drones tried to stop him. He grabbed one of them and fucking YEETED them at the other drone. Two more drones then thought they had him pinned down for a perfect shot but he just... casually dodged them without much effort.
"HOW DO YA LIKE DAT, CLANKER?!" Stinkmeaner screamed as he bashed the first cluster drone's head in with the belt.
Vexus didn't even had time to process what was happening. She was just watching...
"STAY FOCUSED CLANKER!" Stinkmeaner shouted right as he landed a brutal kick to Vexus' robotic ovaries. He then proceeded to break both of them.
This was bad. This was so very, very bad.
Vexus began to shut down completely at this point as the coolant system failed.
"OH HELL NAW!" Stinkmeaner shouted as he grabbed Vexus by the neck. "I AIN'T DONE WITH YO ASS YET SO YA BETTA KEEP POWERED ON CLANKER!"
As Stinkmeaner was powering on Vexus he saw the other two cluster drones attempting to reload. He then launched two of his own Nyukkapop drones at them.
"While in hell I learned I was REAL FUGGIN' GOOD WITH TECH! WHATCHU GOT TO SAY TO THAT CLANKER?!" The Nyukka shouted.
The first drone fired a burst of green energy from its mouthpiece; the second shot some out of its nose and the next came out of a glock that appeared from its wrist which it started firing sideways.
"Well? Whatcho ass got to say?!"
Vexus... begins to channel some energy into her. She then reaches out with her mind... and uses the Force.
The burst of green energy are redirected back towards their senders... who are then blown to pieces.
"Hmm... impressive." The Nyukka said before he then started glowing blue. "But da thing is, dat's not exactly impressive to a nyuggah like me."
"Oh really?" Vexus asked. "Why is that?" Stinkmeaner smirked as his hair went silver.
"CUZ I'M DA NYUGGAH DAT INVENTED ULTRA INSTINCT!" The Nyukka shouted right as he threw Vexus into a building. He then unleashed a blast of energy from his palm towards the street.
The blast expanded, engulfing much of the city block.
"WHAT?!" Vexus shouted. "Well I'm done fo' today." Stinkmeaner said before he turned his head to the left. "AY NYUGGAH! SHE ALL YOURS!" Vexus watched as he started laughing with a confused look on her face... then she noticed a circle prompt appear above her head.
Kratos had run for what felt like an eternity. Atreus and the eternals had kept up the pa-
"What is your obsession with the damn eternals?"
Wait wha-
"Please stop that."
Look buddy, I'm just trying to tell the story here.
"Do you see any point in this story where eternals actually are important?" Kratos said, slipping into his old voice for a mo- "Why are you describing how I'm talking right now?"
Because I want to tell the story the way it's meant to be told?
"What story... you know what forget it, just keep going."
Thank you. Oh... ahem. Kratos was exhausted, his clothes were absolutely soaked, he was dripping and pouring with sweat all the while he was still just trying to comprehend what had happened on this day.
The Nyukkah, or rather Stinkmeaner had returned... along with his younger, more incel-like self who had made his daughter mutilate Dakteam and grip his...
"No, I mustn't get lost in my emotions." Kratos said. "Not now."
"Why the hell are you torturing yourself like this?"
Kratos stopped, remembering who was talking to him.
"Because I must."
"You must what?" Mimir, the head on his belt said. "I mean you know yourself laddie that it ain't healthy to constrain your emotions like this."
Kratos took a deep breath.
"I must relive my pain so that I do not forget it."
"Even though you literally wear your past on ya?" Realizing what he had just said, Mimir quickly apologized. "I'm sor-"
"Just keep quiet head." Kratos said sternly.
Atreus was asleep. He would be for quite some time. Kratos couldn't be bothered to wake him just so he could explain what had occurred.
As for Johanna though... she was actually starting to wake up.
"F-Father..." She said groggily.
"Daughter, how are you feeling?" Kratos asked.
"Just tell me what happened."
Kratos paused for a moment as a particularly bad memory enters his mind. After a few seconds of silence, he let out a sigh and looked at his daughter with a serious expression. This may have been a particularly traumatizing memory... but Kratos was not about to lie to his child.
"A... piece of myself, an aspect I thought I had left behind in the past had embedded itself in you. It... made you attempt to fornicate with me." Kratos said calmly.
"WHAT?" Johanna yelled.
"Then it left you and tried to do the same to you once it gained a physical form. I stopped it but only temporarily." Kratos explained. "Unfortunately this aspect of me possesses my strength, skills, powers and from the looks of things my intellect except rather than using those things for wisdom and defense... it uses them to hurt and maim."
Johanna didn't respond.
"I used a Solar Flare and then grabbed both Atreus and you. Knowing what we're facing, I realize I cannot win this alone." Kratos said. Kratos then lowered his head with shame, even though this... thing was not actually him, it still was very much a reminder of the kind of person he used to be, what he wanted to forget.
"The only option I can see is for me to kill this aspect of me." Kratos asked.
"But you can't just kill a part of your past." Mimir said. "It's always gonna be a part of you."
"There are other ways." Kratos said.
"Well what did you do?
"I've killed parts of my past before." Kratos said.
"One doesn't just do that." Mimir said. "No matter how much you may try, the past never leaves y-"
"Quiet head." Kratos said.
Johanna looked at her father with a disturbed expression.
"It's alright." Kratos said to his daughter. "Your father sometimes gets very... emotional when he talks about his old memories."
"Why would you try to kill your past?" She asks,
"Question stands apparently." Mimir said. At that moment, Kratos stopped moving.
"Daughter, when you were old enough I told you and Hilda everything about me." Kratos said. "I think you'd know why exactly I'd want to kill my past."
"But that won't help." Johanna says.
"I know..." Kratos said solemnly. "But it's the best choice I have."
"No."
Kratos raises his voice ever so slightly. "Daughter..."
"If I am at risk for ever being possessed by your past again, then I will never be happy."
"What do you want me to do?" Kratos asked.
"To figure out how to accept your past"-
Kratos flinched.
"Accept it?" Kratos asked. "You want me to just accept it?"
"Yes." Johanna says. "If you don't"-
"No!" Kratos starts shaking as particularly traumatic memories came to mind. "I've already tried that many times before and each time has ended in failure."
"A curse." Johanna realizes.
She begins to feel pissed. "What entities would do such a shitty thing to you!?"
"The very gods I once told you that I had slain." Kratos said.
Kratos explained to Johanna his past. Granted she already heard the cliff-notes but this time? This time she was getting the full story and it was... quite a lot to hear.
She learned everything, she learned how Kratos' servitude to Ares led to him being tricked by him into murdering his wife and child which resulted in their ashes being bound to his flesh, how because Kratos renounced Ares and thus broke his blood oath he was imprisoned and tortured by the three Furies and how in order to be free of that oath, he was forced to kill Orkos which flooded his mind with memories of killing his family which then led to his vow to serve the other gods in order to receive forgiveness and relief from the nightmares of his past deeds which resulted eventually in him killing Ares which he did because the gods would forgive his sins and how despite being freed of Ares' influence when he succeeded in killing him, including the Blades of Chaos, he was only forgiven but was not relieved of his nightmares which led to an attempted suicide, how the gods meant to take him instead of his brother Deimos because of a prophecy that said that a marked warrior would end Olympus which resulted in his mother having a curse placed on her that resulted in her transforming into a monster if any attempt at revealing the identity of his father was made which led to him being forced to kill her. How because of all this it led to his brother resenting him and how the two made up only for him to die to the God of Death, really he just detailed in general how while he wasn't necessarily the nicest guy around, the gods just put him through SO MUCH shit.
Johanna asks, "What happened after that? Did you find solace ever?"
Kratos winced. "That's debatable. Afterwards, I've found myself being forced into serving the Sith, I was once turned into a power battery by the Ballas who sought to conquer Earth, there was my battle with the... old one called Stinkmeaner which was a long and hard one that was only won when me and Beerus fused, at one point, the God of Shadows Dendrin as well as the Gods of Chairs and Drawers and Jiggling Butts tried to get vengeance on me for my murder of Zeus which later expanded to declaring death on the entire planet and finally there was when I finally did settle down with Atreus and my new wife Faye... I lost her and then later due to an accident, one of Thor's children died which almost caused an early start for Ragnarok. In other words, each time when I think I've finally finished up, every time I think I've found peace... everything crumbles."
Johanna frowned, walking over to Kratos. "I'm sorry."
"This is my eternal burden that I must carry." Kratos said solemnly. "This is my curse."
Johanna sighed, swearing in Norwegian. "Why must the corrupt gods of old dictate your life? Wasn't he supposed to be dead? Did he not die when the Empire fell and the last of the gods ran? You were supposed to live a life free of conflict. Why must you always suffer? Why?"
Kratos' eyes widened and he just looked confused.
"Sorry, I was speaking Inane Bullshit."
"Ah, that old tongue." Kratos said. "I am familiar with it for I used to converse with Magos Cern."
"Who?" Johanna asks.
"That is a story for another time..." Kratos said. "Though I do wonder why you slipped into it."
"I was... replying out loud to a telepathic message, I think, sent by- an S.O.S. from Kyros about-... a bed revolt?"
Kratos raised an eyebrow. "Why is Kyros contacting you about a bed revolt? In fact why is there even another one, I thought that after the fourth one nearly resulted in the implosion of the Nightmare Dimension they'd learn to just not enslave those beds."
"I don't know, I don't have the information, I'm just relaying an S.O.S."
"Ah, fair enough. So, is this your GlasgowSlum action figure?"
Johanna sends that message back to Kyros.
Kyros' response is immediate.
"Ah, the svelks have spoken. Blink twice if you need to slit some throats."
Johanna's eyes widen.
"What the fuck, that's not a verb!"
"It is now."
"Damnit, it's against the rules to say that!"
Kratos raises an eyebrow. "Wait a second, who is in trouble?"
"Dakteam is." Johanna says. "Kyros said blink twice to mean slit some throats."
"Ah..." Kratos then told Johanna a message to relay to Kyros. "Do some mofuggahs need some counseling or will daddy have to get the bazooka?"
"I think he means blast off. But the bazooka reference isn't bad." Johanna says.
"Yeah, I'm not mad at that either."
"So, will these eternals have some fucking privacy?" Kyros asked.
"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, the Warp transport will take you to a nearby planet in the Salik system. You'll have your pick of which planet to warpin to. Have fun." Kratos replies.
"I will fuck some poopies in Sadala today!" Kyros said happily.
"Erm, I think we're here." Johanna says. "A nearby space station looms in the distance."
Kratos nods and the two head off to the Nightmare Dimension.
You are currently in Brad's house taking a massive hit from his bong.
"Fuck yeah!" you say as you pass the bong to him.
He takes a hit, as well as Tuck who is sitting right next to you on the couch.
"Ah...so good..." Tuck said as he smoked his joint.
Brad sends the bong back to you. "Thanks, man."
You eagerly take the bong and smoke it down so quickly, you even manage to impress Brad.
"Wow, Dakt", Brad smiles... "Uh, but don't smoke yourself into a paranoia."
"Nah, man. I'm good." You say, your eyes watering and red as hell while a big goofy grin is on your face.
Tuck nods. "I agree."
"Ay Tuck, you think you can pass the joint?" You ask.
Tuck nods and passes it to you.
"Actually, give me another drag of that shit." Beerus says, taking the bong.
"Wait, you can talk?" You ask in amazement.
"Of course I can talk, fucker." Beerus says as he takes a deep drag of the bong. "Man, you're high as shit if you forgot I could talk."
"Hehe..." You giggle to yourself as you smoke your joint.
"Man, we should find some pussy." Tuck says.
"Huh, already?" Beerus asked. "I mean you got pussy already in your seat don't you?"
Brad begins to laugh uncontrollably. "Yeah..."
Beerus takes another big hit of the bong. "I do have an idea for what we can do though." Beerus said. "How's about we go streaking?"
All three of you speed out the door completely butt-ass naked. Beerus in particular bounces on his tail onto a car and smudges his bare ass all over the windshield, Tuck immediately starts screaming "WOO!" and as for you and Brad? You were both doing air-guitar while pelvic-thrusting.
Mr. Razinski looks out his window and sees all three of you. "Holy shit!" He says.
You wave to Razinski while having a big goofy smile on your face.
Towards the end of the street, you can already hear the calls of authority members.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" The voices of Skyway Patrol members say. "HANDS IN THE AIR! NOW!"
"I THINK YOU MEAN DICK!" Beerus said happily right as he started flopping his dick about.
Tuck and Beerus turn around and start running in the other direction towards some dude's house.
"You guys go shit in a cup and eat it!" You shout at Skyway Patrol while taking a bow.
"What in the hell?!" Robert "Granddad" Freeman yelled as he threw the door open. "Y'all muthafuckas get the hell off my property!"
You, Tuck and Beerus continue running.
"AY YOU LISTENIN' TO ME?!" Robert shouts.
Beerus slaps his window with his penis.
"I'M GONNA FUCKING JIZZ ON YOU!" Beerus screamed.
You stop in your tracks.
"What the fuck did he just say?"
Tuck turns to you.
"I don't know... but it sounds fun!" Tuck says.
"AAAAAARRRGH!"
Robert takes a swing at you, but you duck. He cursed at the same time, causing him to trip and fall on his face.
Robert suddenly got the fuck back up in the blink of an eye and roundhouse kicked you in the back of the head.
"Get yo' asses off my property, you hooligans! You... you disrespectful crackas!" Robert shouts.
"Yeah!" Beerus said. "FINALLY A FIGHT!"
Robert simply unbuckles his belt and cracks it like a whip.
Beerus cracks his penis like a whip.
"CRACK!"
And they go at it.
Tuck grabs the bong and hits Granddad in the face with it 5 times within seconds.
But Robert was unfazed, in fact he easily punted Tuck to the side and continued his fight with Beerus.
You decided to join in too and put up your dukes.
You immediately get punched in the bladder by Granddad.
You feel the piss pouring out of your... mouth.
"HA HA HA HA HA! Fuck! I can't even get pissy with ya, boy!" You scream out, trying to ignore the pain... and the taste.
"The fuck you callin' boy?" Robert asked. You immediately stop in your tracks once you realize what you just said.
"Uh... uh oh." Right at that moment, Robert powered up to Super Ultra Angry Ass Old Nigga and started staring you down.
"You are one ignorant little bastard, ain't ya?" He says while flexing.
Realizing you needed to defend yourself, you quickly reach into your ass and pull out a lightsaber... while saying the dumbest shit imaginable because you were high.
"You ready to commence in a Jedi flip-flip battle?" You ask. Robert simply charged up to you and landed a punch to your guy AKA Brad and then your gut.
"I'm mo' ready to beat yo' ass." He said.
"Well let's get this shit started."
You and Robert both start swinging at each other. You can't even hit him he was moving so fucking fast.
"Uh, what the fuck?" Tuck says, but you ignore him. You continue your fight with Robert.
You don't stand a chance. You get knocked to the floor.
You laugh.
"Ha ha ha! I'm too fucking high to be scared of you!"
"Man you an annoying ass little punk." Robert said right as he picked you up by the shirt collar. "You kinda remind me of one of my grandkids and you know what I'd do to them if dey be misbehavin' too much?" You raise an eyebrow once you notice his tone go low.
"Uh, what?" You ask with a hint of fear. Robert smirks.
"This. Angry Grandfather Style..." At that moment you felt an invisible force bend you over Robert's knee. "...Thousand Ass-Lashes of Pain!" Before you knew it Robert's belt was whupping your ass at speeds so fast they were incomprehensible.
You scream with each strike and try to stand up, but it is no use you are left with a huge welt across your derriere which stings like hell.
"Had enough?" Robert asked as he powered down. You look up at him and nod.
"Yeah, that was fucking awesome." You say once you catch your breath.
"Sound like you still cocky, get the fuck up."
You stand up and hold your ass.
At that moment, Robert pulls off Bruce Lee's famous one-inch punch on you which sends you careening backward.
"Batter up."
Once again, he sends an invisible punch very much like the kind Jiren and Hit would send out. This one hit incredibly hard and resulted in you collapsing to the floor in a daze.
"Ugh." You groan in pain.
"HEY WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA YOU OLD NI***ER?!" Beerus screamed out. This caused Robert to pause and look at him with eyes full of quiet fury.
"Mind repeatin' what you just said to me?" Robert asked.
"Yeah... old Negro."
"That ain't what you said."
"Beerus." You say. "Beerus no man."
"Damn... NIGGAS!" Uncle Ruckus screamed as he spotted what was going on outside his window before then closing it.
"You're one to talk." Beerus said to you. "I mean you're naked."
"And who had the idea for that?" You ask.
"Hey don't blame me for what you chose to do." Beerus said. "Also how rich this is coming from the idiot who spent 60 years in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber."
"Funny." You say. "This is coming from the person who lost their job and was called a boomer because they just couldn't let something go!"
"The fuck you say, Dickteam?"
"In fact, I actually agree with Hilda... you're a fucking boomer."
Beerus growls. "A boomer? You call me a boomer? A fucking BOOMER? YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM A BOOMER! I'M GONNA BLOW THIS WHOLE CITY UP! THAT'S WHY I'M A BOOMER!"
"Nah, you're just a loser."
"Am I now?" Beerus asked.
"Uh dude," Brad began. "I don't think you should keep antagonizing him."
"You know what Bitchrus?!" You shout to Beerus. "If you're gonna blow anything up how about blow me up?! Go on, you know you want to!"
"You're on!" He replied as he prepared for the task as you braced yourself.
Beerus begins to generate a sphere of pure Hakai-energy. "I will."
At that moment your highness wears off. "Wait a sec-" At that moment, the Hakai-energy was fired at you.
"Svelk! You dare attack my host and friend?! I am your enemy!" You hear shouted from behind you.
You are distracted enough that the Hakai-energy hits you, and this time it really hurts. Your body resists the erasure, but you are almost killed by it...
You are nearly a skeleton; Magos Cern flies over to you, pissed, and neck-chops Beerus.
"No..." You say weakly. "And I was so close..."
Magos Cern heals you, and you cry as you feel the injuries disappear again.
"Damn it!" You shout with tears in your eyes as you punch the ground, memories of trauma flooding through your brain. "Calm down, calm down." Magos says.
"Is that Inane Bullsh-you know what? I don't care anymore." You say, your tone showing just how broken and done you were. "Fuck Inane Bullshit. Fuck this, just fuck everything!"
"It's not Inane Bullshit. I am here to ask if you were the one who caused the latest Bed Revolt."
At that moment, you just didn't respond, you kept silent. Then you turned away from Magos Cern and just started walking away.
"Ah... see now this is a mistake." Magos Cern grabs you by the neck, as fucking Bill Cipher appears and moves towards you at a speed that was some stupid-ass large number.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Bill CIpher grabs you and slashes your throat open with his fingernails, as blood flows out and pools around the killing-space.
Your screams are silenced as you hit the floor and feel your neck regenerating.
"You fucker..." You say lowly. "You unbelievable triangle sack of shit, CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY TO FUCKING KILL ME?!"
"WHAT?! NO! YOU CAUSED THE BED REVOLT!"
"THEN END ME!" You shout. "I CAUSED IT SO FUCKING END ME!"
"NO, DAKTEAM! YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER!"
At that moment, a whole bunch of trauma comes rushing back through your head and you just... you're done. You quickly hold a hand in front of yourself and start saying one word. "Hak-" Immediately Bill Cipher had closed the distance and wrapped his hands around your throat.
"NO! NO! NO NOT THE NERVE CANNON!" Bill Cipher shouted in Inane Bullshit as he turned blood red. "I AIN'T GONNA let you just end your miserable ̻̩̲̼̲͎̎̀ͯͦ̍̀͟ͅͅͅ ̵̴̾̑͑̿͑ͦ̑͐ͬͨ͏҉͔̘͕̙̩̘̬͚̞̲͍͈̳̺̳͍́ ̋ͧ͑̍ͭͭ̓͐̌̇͒̋͌͂̒̅ͫ̿҉̵̹̰̲͍̕ ̡ͪ̓̋ͣ̐̍ͬ̀͏͖̲̠̟̠̱̥̙̳͓̭̦̲͎͙͚̥͜͝ ̸̧̠̪̖̣̪̫̄ͧ̐ͮ͒̀́ͅ ̶̧̨͕̯͕̖͖̮͚̲͂͒͛̃̑̊͋̉̋̀ͪ̂̚̚͜ ̸̢̆ͤ͒ͧͮ͗ͪ͗ͣ̂ͫ̊̇̾͑ͭ̓҉̛̻̱̯̘͍͉͔̭̭ͅ ̧̡̧̨͙̖͉͖̩̥̠͇̳͇̲̩̥̥̓̀̍̓͛ͧ̂̒̈̃ ̐ͦͣ͋͗ͬ̏͏̷҉͈̤͇̱̲͚̖͎̗̬ ̷̶ͮͥ̉ͭ̿̃ͯͤ̚͡҉̲̗͙̳̺̰̪̦͈̫ ̶̶̮͈̰͙͖̖̮͔͔̭͍̬̹̪̇̓̾̈́͌͛͂ͪ͂̾̏͐̏ͩ̓̽̑̚͡ ͎̲̻̳̬̈͂ͣ̒̽̇͂́ ̷͇̳̳̤̺̼̹͆ͬ̌͐͗͑̃ͮ̾̎͊́ ̵̷̘͉̬̥͔̺͖̮͇ͫͬ̆ͮ͒̏̋ ̶̧̛̝͔̣͎͖̻͇̹̞̤ͭͦ͊̍̎͑͛ͭ ̵̢̺̗̻̪͍̱͍̯͈̦͎͓͈̱̺͓ͥ̈ͩ͗ͪͤ͌̈́͌̓̒͋̅̈́͆̏̕͘ ̶̶̸̢̞̳̦̗̮͖̹̺͕͕̓͆̓̎͛ͦ̃ͥ̍̔͛̌̒͌ͤ͋̇͒͝ͅ life just yet you little fucking ̸̛̞̰̣̝̥͓͉̦͓̼̬̖͇ͦ̏ͩ͌ͣ̎ ̶̬̤̝̲̟̬̼̞̺̂ͩ̒͂̅̾̂̏ͥ̉̉͑̒̓̔̅̕͠͝ ͪ͑͒̾ͧ̓͋͒ͣ̍͠͞͏̢̮̫̮ͅ ͋̄̉͗̂ͤ̓͋̑ͤ̆͏̨̭̹̘͔͙͇̺͇̞͈." You struggle and choke as his grip tightens. "I'm gonna make sure you suffer for all the ̧̡͇̘̝͇͈ͩ͋͑͒ͨ̈́ͩ͛͑͢͜ ̟̝̤̪̞͉̥͈̳ͩͫͮ̾̒̀͘͡ ̐̈́̀ͩͫͧ͆̈́ͧͨ̈́̈́͌̅͆͟͏̭̙̪̰̣͎̜̳̭̤͉̜͘̕ ̯̜̬͙͎̜̫̯̙̖̦̗̿͊ͣ̿͂ͩͨͨ̓́̚͘ͅ ̢̘̣̩̟͈͚͙̞̪̳̩̗̝̮̫̮̻̯͛͋̋̐̿͛̔̓ͪͫͬ̓ͬ̎ͩ̔̑̌́ ̷̢̡̩̞̮̤̰͔͚̯̬̖͇̯̳̩̩͖͚̏ͣ̋̅ͦ́̎̚͠ ̸̣̱̼̲̩̪̹̣͇͎̬̬̼̲̾̋ͩ̿̀͐̓̏ͭ̀̒͋̅͐͝ ̧̱̥̘̦͓͕̝͈͎͓̜̮ͤͮ̋̅̇̃ͫͯ͟͝ ̷ͣͮ̍͑̌͌͏̝͚͇̬̯̜̥̲ ̶̂̽ͬ̾̂̀ͩ͂ͦ̓͌̂ͭ͊̑̐̂̅͏̠̘̦͖̙͚ ̵̅͊̈̌̃̅̅͗̽ͤ͆ͯ͏̴̨͖̮̼͎͈̦͖̺͍̝̩̘̳͉̫̰ͅ ͚̭̯͖̟͉̲̦ͥ̈́͒̔ͦͯ̅ͣ͋̚͞ ̴̎̍̈́ͥ̐̐͐̌ͭ͏̡̞̼̘̣̪̝̱̺͍̭ ̸̜̘͓̗̱͉̩̺̙̍ͬͬͨ̌̃̚͞ ̴ͯ̅̿ͥ̆̀͐̑͑́̈ͮ̂̇̃̅ͮ҉̛̞͇͔̗̣͙̺͚̝̥͖̹̳̲̩͝ you caused me you stupid ̗̟͚͓͓̜̘̭̱̜̪̏ͧ̽͋͋̃̉͊͊̋͠ͅ ̶̪̠͕̳̳̖̞̭̖͍̣̮̖̤̖̝͓͙̺̅̒ͮͥ̔̒̆̍͑́͆̂̉ͮ͂͑̚͝ ͖͖̝͖̩͍̝͍͈͙̤̥̯͚̭̏ͬ͛͐͛̓̓̉̉̏͐͌̏̋̋̌̐͘ͅ ̧̣̱͓̩̭̰̟̞̫͙̙͚̬̖̰͙͍̓ͩ̽̒́̚ ̢͒ͥ̾ͩ̌̆͋͌ͨ͊̓̒ͯ̿̚̕͜͞҉̤̲̬̦̠͔ ͧ͋̆͌̓̐ͥ̈́ͩ͠҉̢̩̳̙͕̙̀̕ ̑̈ͪͫ͋̈̈͌͏̶͓̖̱̪͕͓̻͎̼̳͇͔͉̘̗̲̕ ̈ͬ͐ͯ̒ͨͨ́̓ͨͣͪ̋ͯ̉́̚͢͞҉̜̝̣̝̫͓̟̳̙͕̗͙̟̪͙̭̀ͅ ̢͔̼̱̪̝̠̼̠̰͉̉̂͑ͤ͂̚͘͟͟͠ ̶ͬ̾̈̌͒̈ͧ̇̎̾͒̑̐͗͢͟҉͖̙̫̙̳̪̥̤̰͇̲͇ͅ ̃̀̐ͩͫ͆̌͆̎͌̓͛ͩ̕҉̛͈̘͙͚̰͙̩̜̱̫̫͔͕̙̤͟͠ ̵̜̺̦̞̙̜̋ͨͨͣ̇ͥ͒͋ͦ̊͐̏̊ͭ̀̊̒̚͞ ̛̱̜̞̫ͬ͂͗̓ͥ̉̒̐̈̆͌̾ͭ̀́̋̑ ̴̖̩̤̘̺̖̳͔̟̇̋̀͂͜ ̶̢̡̖͚͉͉̗̘̺̪̠̼̘͈͖̟͕̯ͦ͌̒ͥ̃̓ͮ͋͒̃ͫ̾̀̚̚͡ͅ ̷̢̻̱̣͇͈͓͓̪ͥ͆͆ͯ͗͑̀͢͝ ̵̃ͫͯ̐̂͐̓͂̀͏̮̫̞̠̻͟ ̨̡̻͎̘̙̩̫̮̜͙̲̪̮͉͚̫͈̻̥̹̋ͧ̏̑͋ͦ̎̂̄̒ͥͦ̇͟͝͠ ̸̨̛͖̯͇̹̖͉̯̲̼̭̫̱͇̮͙̝͉̳̑ͥͭ͗ͣ̏̓͆͑̎ͭ̇̀̈̇͛͑͝ ̱̥̙̦͉͊̋̓̿̐̀͝ͅ ̢̰͙̜̠͓̼̻͚̮ͧ͂ͤͮͬͭ̒̇̄̆̆͛̾̈͐̊́̚̚͘ ̍͒ͦ̄ͧ̈́̈́̓̊͆̉̌҉̷͖͉̟͇͈̣̺̟̳̳̣̪ ̷͋͋ͭ͆̐ͫ̃ͣ͐ͯ͆҉̶̧͚̱̙̳͙̠̜̦̬͓̤̲̠͝ ̸̸̷̢͇̘̥͇͇̦͉͔͖̠̣̳̼̲̉ͧ̉̐̐́ ͬ͗̉ͭ̐͊̽͛̄͌̀̔͊͜͏̲̩̝̪̦͙̗̩̣͇̙͖ ̼͈̟̦̱̯̮̒̊̏͐̏͐̇̍͂ͧ̄̑͑̿ͬ̌ͤ̾͘͢͞ ̣̱̰͇̬͈̽ͤͩ̔ͦ͑ͬͬ̈́͑̿̉ͪ͆ͩͧ̆́̚̕͡ͅ ̶̗̮͇̝̦͙̯ͯͦ̉̃̍̈́̉͂̾͛̌ͦ̄͑͐ͭ̑͂ ̡̃͋̈́̋̒͏̡̱̖̣̜͚͔͕͍̗̣͙͚̰̖͍̙̜͈ ͂̒ͩ̍̑͗ͥͬ̐̏҉͡҉̸̢͖̗̺̟͇̬̝̰̰̪͚͉ ̾̎ͦ̑̐̐̍̋͒͊͂͛̚҉̷̡̛̱̹̬̼͖̺̺͎͚̝̺̤̜̫͇ ̡̖̹̮̝͉̝̱͈̦̘̿̃͋̾ͥ̉͆̄͛̃ͪͩ ̷̴̥͈̮̺͋ͤ̒̏̃ͮ̀ ̤̱͉̳̥̖̮̤̦̲̗̘͈̟̯͇̌ͤ̓̿ͭͬ̆͝ ̶͉͇̪̺̠̻̪̤̻͑̐͆̇̓ͥͯ̓͋̀́͢ ̵̠̯͚̳͈̻̬̈̍͒ͦ͊ͫ̓ͤ͂͐ͭ̆̑͗ͩ̅͜͝ ̶̷̶̖͙̹̲̗͖̭̻͓̻ͬ̋͂ͦ̀̚͟͞ ̧̲̖̯̳͉̳̘̟̯̹̞̦̝̯̖̩̣ͭ̽͂ͩ̎̅͆͟͠ͅ ̸̨̖̙̠̲̔̇̐̾ͣ̾͆̐͆́͛ͧ̿̐̂̚͠ ̵̛̘͍̝̮͔͍͚͑̏ͦ̽̋ͦͨ̌̀ͪͪ ̐ͩ̌̽̋҉̡̳̬̗͙̩̠͍̤̺̺ͅ ͛ͬ̅ͭͧ͆̀̅͌̑̍̌͗͋̓ͦ̃̔҉̷̶̻̬̖̱̗̹̩̦͍͟ ͧ̏͛̒ͭͪ͋ͯ͑̔̆̓͐͂͗͒ͥ̾̚͠͏̷̨̭̬͓̯͈̯̝̦̙̰͖̮ͅ ̨̟̻̰̝̼̞͉̘͙͖̹̪̲̫͇͈̽ͭ̀̈́̈͗̌̔́͋͗͒ͧ̒̿͗̋̔ ͮ͂̍̓ͪ̍̓͟͏̞̹̰͙̩͚̗̹͖̝͇̤͓̘̫̺̤ͅ. Oh yes! You're gonna feel the wrath of Cipher, you're gonna endure so much pain and agony you're gonna dream of nothing but the desire for death you ̻̙̮̥̘̯͖̟̺͔ͭͥͯͨͤ̕͜͝ͅ ̴ͪ͗̿̋ͭ̽̀ͭͪ̏̋ͣ̅̃҉̠̻̹͕̰̙̮͔͕ ̿̋̅̓͂ͭͯ̀͏̷͙̺͉̻̥͍̦̲̀͠ͅ ͍̼̖̤̱́̊͌̈́̚ ̾ͥ͊͗ͭ͛͒̽̀ͮ͛̉̌̐͆҉̭̼͓̝̤̰̱͙̮̬͖͕ͅ ̰͍͍̹̱̣̤̥̣̲̮̮̖̩̹̤̀̓̒̽̎͐̀̎̀͒ͬ̄̏̏̈́̇͜͠ͅͅͅ ̡̇͆ͭ̊ͪ̒̒̿ͧ̅͌̋ͯ̂͌ͫ͏̨̥̻̬͓͕̣̹̞̭̱ ͪͬ̍̔͂͗͂̊ͫ̂ͦ͘͜͢͏̰̺̭̣̪̭̰̲͇͖͇̘̲̪̞̩͔̫ ͊ͣ̔̎ͮ̐́͏͇͍̳͎ ̵̡͚̺̪̪̱̊̔ͪ̄ͬ̉͒ͫͦ̈͋ͦ͊ͭͦ́ ̵̬̝̰̱̮̲̲̗̲̩͙͔̭͇̺̈̔͑̅ͭ̿̓̎̑ͩ̉̔̐ͤ̀ͭ̊ͣ̚͘͟͝͝ ͣ̽ͯͥ͗̾̄̈̊̂ͣͧ̄ͦ͐͋҉̷̸͔̭͔̝̥͙͕̬̺̤̳́ͅ ̸̛̤̘̰͖͓̜̦̰͔̞̲̝̿́̊̚͟͢ ̨̢̛̞̠̜̈̍͂̀͌̎ͩ͑̀ͩ̒̋ͫ́ ͍̮͚͍̼̻̭̤̻̖̮̯̼̬̯̃̂́͠͞ ̸ͭ̉ͪ̚͏̵҉̡̲͕̯̜̠̻͓̟͎̼̝͖͓̲̙ ̢̣͈̙͚̥̫̱́̊ͨͣ̈́̆̈̇̾ͧ̈͛̋̚͝͝ͅͅ ̥̪̖̩͗̋̌̆̿̐́ͥ͊ͨͥͣ̇̔ͬ̀ ̺̥̻̪̲͈̜̖͉̗͎͉̤̳̝̫͛̂͒͊̍͊̍̏̏͟͝ͅ ̴̟̠̯̗̗̝̼̹̜͔͛̋ͤ̎͆̑ͫ̄̉̎͡ ̧̡̟̬͚̱̰̖̣̱̮̩̣̹̪̹̝̀̐͒͋ͬ̏ͅͅͅ ̷̡ͪͥ͐̑͋̄̾̿̄̄̌ͯ̏̀ͦ̆̐͒͟͜͏̜̗̯̖̬͙̟͉̣̰̞̩̩͉̗͉. It's the least I can do after you caused THE FIFTH ̷̖̰͈͇̦͙͖̲͈̼̯͉̲͉̭͑ͫ͌͋ͣ̑̌̍̂͛̇̀̔̚͝ ̢̖̥̗͙̪̗̯͕͖͖͚̫ͦ͑ͣ̽͛̆ͬ͋ͫͮ͆͆ͦͥ̎̎͘͠ ̸̋ͧ̅̊̌̄ͦ̌̾̚͏̧̹̦̫͍͎͎̱͔͈̠͕̙͝ ̴̛̣̘̫͕͓̒̀̀͊ͬ̅̾̇ͪͫͮ͆͊̿͗ ̨̛̣͇̭͇͙̼͉͉͎̼̩͎̖̦̣͊̾͒̍͑̍ͬ̉ͤ͞ͅ ̵̷̡͇̮̩͇ͯ͊ͯ͋̑͛̃͊̎̎̏ͫ̾̅͆̎͗̃̄ ̷͍̝̹̮͚̗̌̍̈́͆̀̅̚͜͞ ̷͖̭̦̦̬ͮ̿ͯ̂͊ͮ̔̓ͦ͆͛͛̾͋ͤ͊ͯ̈́͟͡ ̶̴̢̝̖̯̥̞̥̟̹͖͐ͫ͗̍ͯͤ͆̌̿̌̚ͅ ̷͙͍̺͙͆̄ͣ̎̓̃̿̾ͦ͌ͭ͊̇ͬͭ̎͗̚͞͠ ̨̲͔̹̦̟̼͚̋ͬ̏̃̓̿ͯ̄̓̈̽ͭ͆͂̌ͧͫ ̵̴͇̭̼͔̗̙̮̤̥̣̱̼͖̟͕͔̖̺̐ͬ̏̇ͥ͜͡ ̶̡͔̱̻͉̻̦̤̰̑ͨ̽ͭ̈́̂͒͐͗ͫͭ͟͢͞ͅ ̵̧̎̂̅̿͆̒̈́̇̓̈́ͣ̚͟͏̗͈͉̙̳̹̞̳͕̟̳͕͍̩̦̜̜ ̧͚͚̼̝̞̣̼͈̹͖̯͓̗͔͒ͭ̾͗̅̆̆͆̉̈́̋̾͡ͅ ̽̎̓̄͗ BED REVOLT OF THE ̛͓̹̬̼͚̹̲ͩ̅ͪͤ͘͡ ̷̡̻̭̲͍͙̗͔̣̖̬̳͎̮̩̲̦̻̄̋́͋̔͠ͅ ̶̶̸̩̘͔̗͚͓̯̼̣͈͍͎͉͊ͣ͗͊̌ͤ̌̽̇͐̾͌ͩ̈́̑́́̚ ̛̭͖̭͍̖ͩ̎͒ͮ͗́͠ ̬͕̮̳̓̎͐́̐͒͗͛ͥͫ́͘͢͞ ̶̸̺͉͔̫̪̠̼̝̣͙͕̞̘͎̻̓ͣ̑͊͑̌̐͒ͫ̅ͪ͡͞ͅͅ ̈ͪ̃ͭ͐̅ͭ̾͐ͧ͆̂́ͤ̚̚҉͔̲̜̹͕̞͔͎͓͡ MONTH YOU PIECE OF SHIT FUCK-ASS ̶̢̛͈̞̤͎̥̙͉̟̲͓̬ͬͧ͌̚͠ ̢̺̙̩͖͎̳̽͛̋ͬ͜͜͟ͅ ͗̌͌̿҉̡͉̤̫͖̱̙͚̫ ̧̢̮͓͓̝̯̫͈̣̫̞̬͔̩͇͌ͤͯͤ͆ ̸͖̳̮͕̻̬̥̳̤͙͙̱̙̳̙ͯ̉͑͑̈̋ͤ̄ͣ̈́ͤ̅̓ͦ̓ͪ̅͂́͢͝ ̸͙̣͙̱̬͇͚͖̤̬ͩ̅̑͌͂́̀͢!"
"Just stop enslaving beds." You choke out. "You fucking cunt."
With that, you collapse.
"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!" Bill Cipher screamed, his voice becoming far deeper with every "No!" as he slapped your face. "YOU CAN'T PASS OUT ON ME NOW BITCH!"
As soon as you were forced awake, Cipher threw you high into the sky and snapped his fingers which prompted several black, very Lovecraftian tentacles to spawn from various... fleshy portals. You were disgusted and disturbed as the tentacles starting whipping you repeatedly with some of them slapping across your face so hard you imagine your skull cracking to pieces. In fact, Bill seemed to see this.
"Hmm I like the idea of that!" Bill Cipher said. "In fact, let's make it better by rearranging the functions of every part of your body!" With that, he snapped his fingers again and you felt your body mangle and contort into such a horrific mound of flesh that had body parts in places no body parts should be and not only that but your nerves were rewired in such a way that all you felt was pain. Cipher made your existence pain. Cipher at that moment admired what he was causing to you but felt things could be ramped up and so he floated up to you simply jammed his fingers into your eyes. You screamed in both pain... and terror when you felt the fucking fingers open up and unleash all manner of horrible creatures into your damn eyeballs, creatures that were... familiar...
"MUNANA!" The mosquitos in your head all shouted at once as they began to tear your body apart from the inside. You feel your innards melt away as you lose all control of your bodily functions as your internal organs are liquefied and your blood becomes a thick, gooey substance that wants to ooze out of every pore of your fucking body... and then with the snap of Cipher's fingers. You could feel the gooey substance burning and... imprinting. Oh fuck, oh fuck Cipher was branding your fucking soul, he actually was branding your fucking SOUL! And all this was happening while Cipher laughed maniacally.
"OH WOW! I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH FUN IN DECADES!" Cipher shouted before then turning his hand into a giant fist and punching you hundreds of feet back. He immediately appeared behind you in less than a yoctosecond and gripped you, his fingers suddenly sprouting hyperrealistic fingernails that dug into your flesh while tentacles sprouted from his body and injected... hissing creatures in yo- HOLY SHIT HE FILLED YOUR BODY WITH SNAKES! Oh god and they were pissed, they were biting and thrashing and it was all causing you so much agony. At this point, Cipher then started tearing at your skin, his surprisingly powerful hands successfully peeling back layers of flesh with ease all the way down to the goddamn BONE! Cipher just laughed more as he grabbed hold of your armbone and mutated it into something... indescribable. As in it was actually so incomprehensible and eldritch looking at it, you could feel your soul burning even more. Then in the span of another yoctosecond, Cipher landed... BILLIONS of invisible blows each more painful than the last that were all concentrated on your nipples before he then used his twisted powers to make your veins spring forth from your body and start choking you. You let out a brutalized cry before it became a plea for mercy as your lungs were crushed into paste... and then reformed... and then crushed again and then they were reformed and were being filled up with this black fluid that you could hear was... screaming. In fact soon, you heard nothing but screams, not your screams (Though you were doing quite a bit of that.) and while certainly the people looking at this were shocked, you weren't hearing them scream. No, you were just hearing SCREAMS, just pure concentrated agony of possibly millions of souls was what you were hearing... and feeling... and... healing? Oh god, Cipher was gonna keep you alive just for more pain! IT'S FUCKING JOHANNA ALL OVER AGAIN!
"NOW, I'M GOING TO INSERT HORRIFIC IMAGERY INTO YOUR SOUL!"
You brace yourself for the existential pain... and oh lord it came with a vengeance. The images, they were indescribable, indecipherable, so... horrid. Immediately you wished for nothing more than a swift painful death that you knew was never gonna come. After a few moments of this, Cipher smacked your ass down into the ground and cracked his knuckles.
"Alright, I think it's time that some old friends came up!" Cipher said as he opened a fleshy portal that you fell in, thus trapping you in some disgusting... eldritch pocket-dimension that was fleshy and... wet. Oh god it was wet.
After a few seconds, the flesh began to move and pulsate and suddenly out from one of the areas came something tiny... and green.
"I'M BACK 🅱ITCH 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰!" Bigger Yoda... no, it certainly it wasn't Bigger Yoda, it was worse. It was a far more eldritch version of Bigger Yoda and it screamed those words. "AND I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS!" At that moment, more Yodas sprung up. "IN ORDER FROM LEFT TO RIGHT THERE'S TINY YODA! BIG YODA! SMALLER YODA and finally..." You felt the ground shake and before you knew it, you were face-to-face with a massive fucking Yoda that looked... white and blue? And fat? What the hell, just... WHAT IS THAT?!
"D1️⃣©KT1️⃣🅱🅱🅰, meet the great Big Yodasansgus Undernigga!" At that moment, the giant monstrosity opened its mouth and let out an earrape elongated version of sans' talking noises from Undertale. "BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! THERE'S MORE!"
"WAKIGGER FONIGGER!" At that moment, you saw him. That fucking naked T'Challa appeared.
"KERCHOO SHITLIPS!" Suddenly a fucking massive Lightning McQueen with a fleshy body and human feet appeared. Then suddenly, you felt something slap against your face and you looked, it was a big... "NIGGA"? That could only mean... oh no.
"OH YES 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱3️⃣®!" The eldritch Quigley shouted. At that point, you just knew you were in for a world of hurt...
"ALRIGHTY!" Bigger Yoda shouted. "I HOPE YOU'RE ALL DAKTIGHTY FOR THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FOR SOME REAL..." At that point his lips started blubbering Stinkmeaner-style before he then looked at you with a face that was incredibly deepfried. "T1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣ 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣1️⃣🆖!"
"Oh no." You say. "Oh god no ple-" You then saw a big fucking PENIS with two Os for balls which indicated to you where this was going... and it wasn't gonna be fucking pretty at all.
"Hmm... oh yeah!" Cipher shouted happily as he held his body up to a tiny portal that allowed him to hear what was going on in this pocket-dimension. "That's really good! But... not good enough. Ooh I got it! I will just alter how time works and make it to where he lasts through sixty years worth of this in the span of a femtosecond!" At that point, Cipher snapped his fingers and made it so. Your screams became even more piercing and at this point, people not in the pocket-dimension could feel your fucking agony and torment.
After a few seconds, the flesh began to move and pulsate and suddenly out from one of the areas came something tiny... and green.
"I'M BACK 🅱ITCH 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰!" Bigger Yoda... no, it certainly it wasn't Bigger Yoda, it was worse. It was a far more eldritch version of Bigger Yoda and it screamed those words. "AND I BROUGHT SOME FRIENDS!" At that moment, more Yodas sprung up. "IN ORDER FROM LEFT TO RIGHT THERE'S TINY YODA! BIG YODA! SMALLER YODA and finally..." You felt the ground shake and before you knew it, you were face-to-face with a massive fucking Yoda that looked... white and blue? And fat? What the hell, just... WHAT IS THAT?!
"D1️⃣©KT1️⃣🅱🅱🅰, meet the great Big Yodasansgus Undernigga!" At that moment, the giant monstrosity opened its mouth and let out an earrape elongated version of sans' talking noises from Undertale. "BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! THERE'S MORE!"
"WAKIGGER FONIGGER!" At that moment, you saw him. That fucking naked T'Challa appeared.
"K3️⃣®©H🅾🅾 SHITLIPS!" Suddenly a fucking massive Lightning McQueen with a fleshy body and human feet appeared. Then suddenly, you felt something slap against your face and you looked, it was a big... "N1️⃣GG🅰"? That could only mean... oh no.
"OH YES 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱3️⃣®!" The eldritch Quigley shouted. At that point, you just knew you were in for a world of hurt...
"ALRIGHTY!" Bigger Yoda shouted. "I HOPE YOU'RE ALL D🅰KT1️⃣GHTY FOR THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FOR SOME ®3️⃣🅰1️⃣..." At that point his lips started blubbering Stinkmeaner-style before he then looked at you with a face that was incredibly deepfried. "T1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣ 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱1️⃣3️⃣1️⃣🆖!"
"Oh no." You say. "Oh god no ple-" You then saw a big fucking 🅿3️⃣N1️⃣5️⃣ with two 🅾s for balls which indicated to you where this was going... and it wasn't gonna be fucking pretty at all.
"Hmm... oh yeah!" Cipher shouted happily as he held his body up to a tiny portal that allowed him to hear what was going on in this pocket-dimension. "That's really good! But... not good enough. Ooh I got it! I will just alter how time works and make it to where he lasts through sixty years worth of this in the span of a femtosecond!" At that point, Cipher snapped his fingers and made it so. Your screams became even more piercing and at this point, people not in the pocket-dimension could feel your fucking agony and torment.
"OH SUCH BEAUTIFUL TORTURE!" Bill Cipher laughed. "It's only a shame that he didn't have genitals, otherwise I could've gone for some cock and ball torture!"
You really wished you didn't live at this moment. You really, REALLY wanted to die or better yet, be erased permanently so that this weary universe didn't have to deal with the most useless dumbass to ever carry so much power, a fuck-up who apparently was SO unlucky that you weren't even allowed to die.
After enjoying this a little bit longer, Bill Cipher snapped his fingers and you flopped out of the portal flat on your face, your functions having returned to normal... or at least as normal as they could get.
"Whoo... okay I've gotten my fury out now." Bill Cipher said casually. "Well I'm off to deal with the Bed Revolt now but trust me..." At that moment, Bill Cipher started singing. "We'll... meet again. Don't know where. Don't know when. But I know we'll meet again 5️⃣🅾Ⓜ3️⃣ 5️⃣UNNY D🅰Y! 🅱🅾🆖! H🅰H🅰H🅰H🅰!" Cipher at that moment disappeared.
At this moment, Jenny just so happened to be flying through the sky on patrol... when she spotted your seriously fucked up body.
"Oh fffffffffffffffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK!" She said flying over to you.
"End me..." You say weakly.
"What?" Jenny says in a worried tone.
"Just... end me..."
"... oh shit, what happened?"
"I don't even want to know..."
"We have to go get help."
"No... just let me die." You say.
"What?"
"Come on..." You say. "Just let me fucking die... it's all I've wanted for awhile now but now? Now I especially want it... I NEED to die."
Jenny scoops up your body, which causes you to scream. "JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE!" You scream.
"No more trying to preserve me! Fuck this just END ME!" You scream.
"No, I'm going to fix you up." Jenny says.
"YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" You say. "JUST LET ME DIE!"
Jenny hands you a drink. "This will put you under."
With a burst of strength, you fling the drink away and finally... break.
"NO!" You scream. "NO! NO! NO! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND?! I'M DONE! I'M FUCKING DONE OKAY! I'VE BEEN FUCKING ASSRAPED, SOULRAPED JUST... EVERYTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO ME! NOW MY BODY I CAN FEEL HAS THE PERMANENT IMPRINT OF JUST PURE AGONY! I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I'M DONE!" At that moment, Jenny notices streams of... blood flowing out of your eyes. "I JUST... I CAN'T... I don't wanna live anymore." You then break out into... not sobbing but rather the most weak, broken cry that anyone has ever seen you let out. You're crying with agony.
Jenny, seeing you in pain like this, breaks down too. "I'm so sorry." She says and hugs you, your cries being peppered with a few weak squeals as pain shoots up your body.
You feel another presence move towards you. "DAKTEAM!" Goku shouts.
Your voice doesn't sound like your voice when you speak. "Why... am I being punished...?" You whisper. "Why... can't fate just let me die?"
"Hold on buddy... this should fix you up." Goku said as he pulled out a Senzu Bean from a small bag and put it in your mouth. Immediately you spit it out, leaving Goku completely stunned. "Dakteam... wha-"
"Just no... Goku." You say weakly.
"No what?"
"No helping me." You say. "Just let me die."
"But why?"
You let out a few weak coughs. "I'm done..."
Goku looks at Jenny. "We need to get him to Dende!" Goku says.
"No..." You say. "Just let me die!"
Goku and Jenny look at each other and back at you.
"No." Goku says.
"No?" You ask. "Why no?"
"You need to defeat the Nyukkah!" Goku says.
"No..." You say after staring at him for a few seconds. "I'm not doing that. I said it already, I'm done... I'm just... I'M FUCKING DONE OKAY! Just please let me fucking d-" At that moment you freeze when you see two people walking up the street. One of them was Kratos, the other was Joh-... Joha-... Johanna.
You screech and convulse.
"We should leave." Jenny says.
"No!" Kratos yells. "We need to go."
"Ugh... wh-what happened?" Beerus asked as he rubbed the back of his head. "Wait a second, why am I naked?"
"You got high, bro." Brad says.
You continue to scream as they arrive in front of you. The two siblings look at you, wondering exactly what to do... and what was going on.
"Fuck..." Brad sighs and rubs his head.
"High? I g-" Beerus then remembered what he was doing earlier and just sighed as he took off. "I don't even want to know... I'm just gonna go home and sleep."
"I'll be honest. This is one of the weakest specimens we've come across." Johanna says. "We can do better than this."
Kratos just stared at her confused and she realized what she just said.
"Sorry, I spoke in Inane Bullshit." She said.
You immediately ceased your screaming.
"Well if you're back to finish the job Johanna then what are you waiting for?" You say. "Kill me. I deserve it."
"I'm not gonna kill you." Johanna says.
"How sure are we that you aren't going to?" Goku asks sternly.
Johanna remembers what she did. "The first time, I was just protecting Hilda." She says. "The next time..."
"The next time you tortured him." Goku interjected.
"Kill... me." You say. "Just fucking kill me!"
"I need to tell you, the job isn't finished. The other ones are still out there. I need to kill them all before I can let you go." A voice says. Dr. Kovas, who had watched Cipher's eldritch hell take place, walks in.
"Goddamn it no..." You say. "Just end my fucking life."
"Unfortunately I need you alive to interrogate you. Then, we'll see." Kovas says. "For now, you're still going to feel some pain."
"What?"
"To translate." Kratos said. "He's gonna give you some help."
"He-OH HELL NO! JUST FUCKING END ME!" You scream.
"I've been given exceptional orders by the Chief. I need to bring you in alive." Kovas says. "I'm sorry."
Your eyebrow raised once you realized how... sincere that "I'm sorry" sounded.
"Wait, you can understand me?" You ask.
"I've been assigned to help you. Kovas, translate." Kratos says.
"I'm sorry..." Kovas says.
Kovas looked down and his lip quivers a bit. "Cipher tortured you. I'm going to give you some help."
"Torture is an understatement." You say. "Everything hurts. He... he"
"Put you through 60 years worth of agony every femtosecond which lasted for a grand total of a whole minute? I saw and trust me I... I'm sorry." Kovas said sincerely.
"Over me simply freeing some enslaved beds? Very overkill."
"Wait, you started the bed revolt? Nigga you gon' die." Kovas says.
"That's what I've been wanting." You say. "That's what I've been fucking wanting all this time..."
"Kovas, no joking." Kratos said.
"Anyway, time for your therapy." Kovas says.
"Therapy?" You ask. "With who?"
"Who I am. Kovas the Torturer." Kovas says in Inane Bullshit. "He raises his hand, snaps his fingers and a red circular portal appears for I am the svelk master."
"Kovas... enough." Kratos said.
"Sorry..." Kovas said.
"He meant to say you will be getting therapy by me." A voice said. You looked up and saw who it was. This person looked like Luke Skywalker... but slightly bigger.
"Ah welcome Bigger Luke." Kovas said.
"Hello Kovas."
"Who are you?" You ask.
"I am as he said, Bigger Luke." Bigger Luke said.
"..." You were just silent.
"Um... right. Where was I?" Kovas asked.
"You were about to torture me." You said.
"What no that was Inane Bullshit I said." Kovas said.
"Really? I couldn't tell." You say.
"Now Bigger Luke was a Jedi who sacrificed himself to power the battle station Ragnor for the Empire."
"What?"
Bigger Luke set his hand on Kovas' shoulder. "Please let me take it from here." He said.
Kovas bowed his head and stepped to the side. "As you wish Bigger Luke." Kovas said.
Bigger Luke put his hands on his face. "Now, I'm sorry." He said. "I'm not used to all this. This is my first time ever doing this."
Bigger Luke created a Force Bubble around you and himself and slowed down time outside of it to a thousand years per less than a femtosecond.
"Alright, I'm going to explain this so that you understand it and remember it."
You are a being of pure energy, or rather energy that obeys certain patterns.
"MAN DAT'S BULLSHIT!" Stinkmeaner screamed right as he punched this dude in the face.
"Stop. Stop. Please stop." Kovas' identical twin who is also named Kovas said as he raised his hands up in defense.
Unlike Kovas, Kovas is a horrible doctor.
"YOU DON' GET TO TELL ME SHIT NYUGGAH!" Stinkmeaner screamed right as he stomped on Kovas' nutsack so hard it snapped off his body and went through the floor.
"I really don't." Kovas said as he writhed on the floor in pain.
"Dat's Daft Bullshit!" Stinkmeaner said in annoyance.
Stinkmeaner right at that moment then held his hand out in front of Kovas. "NYUGGAI!" At that moment, suddenly Kovas felt his body beginning to shift and twitch, his lips suddenly enlarged, he gained sunglasses and he grew grey hair, and most of his teeth broke.
"WHAT'S GOOD NYUGGAH?!" Kovas shouted. At that moment, Stinkmeaner grinned.
"Would ya look at that. I jus' made you a real ass nyukka!" Stinkmeaner said.
Nyukkovas got to his feet and pulled a cane out his ass. "So what we gon' do my nyukka?" Nyukkovas said to which Stinkmeaner smiled.
"Same thing I did to yo ass nyuggah." The Nyukka said. "We gon' go around making a couple followas and then we gon' raid dat one bitch-ass planet called Earth, take vengeance on that old ugly-ass, faggot-ass, pussy-ass nyukka Robert and take ova the entire planet!" Stinkmeaner explained before he then turned his head. "Ain't that right Alphatos?"
Alphatos at that moment stepped out in his roided out true form, Super God of WAAAGH! which makes it to where his power increases tenfold and he screams out everything he says.
"YES THAT IS CORRECT!" Alphatos said.
"Who is dat?" Nyukkovas asked.
"MY NAME IS ALPHATOS!"
"Nigga you look like a giant testicle." Nyukkovas said in between his manic fits of laughter.
"YES! I AM THE BEEFIEST TESTICLE, THE MOST SPARTAN AND THE MOST MANLIEST OF TESTICLES! I A-"
"Please stop. I'm bored." Stinkmeaner said with a yawn. "Ya borin' me nyukka."
"THEN LET'S NOT WASTE TIME... AND ENGAGE THAT SOY BOY DAKTEAM IN AN ALPHA MALE CONTEST!" Testiclalphatos says, his mouth opening so wide, his cheeks are beginning to seem thin as he screams. "WE CAN FIGHT FOR THE HEART OF HIS GIRLFRIEND, HILDA, TO THE DEATH!"
Stinkmeaner begins laughing. "DAMN DAT'S WHY I LIKE YOU! YO CRAZY ASS ALWAYS HAS DA BEST IDEAS!"
Testiclalphatos smirked, then ripped off his spartan clothes, revealing his massive, 99,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 mile long penis with multiple heads. All of the heads were laughing and cheering.
At that moment, Stinkmeaner saw his chance and bit down on Testicalphatos' dick. He screamed and thrashed, especially when he felt Stinkmeaner... absorbing all his power.
"OH YEAH LOOK AT YA!" Stinkmeaner said with a laugh once he spotted how winded Alphatos was. "I LISTENED TO YOU POPPIN OFF ABOUT ALL THAT ALPHA MALE SHIT FOR SO LONG AND LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN! I NEVER CARED ABOUT ANY OF THAT PUSSY-ASS SHIT! TO BE AN ALPHA TO ME IS TO BE A BITCH! YOU EITHER FUCKIN' HATE EVERYTHIN' LIKE I DO OR YOU JUS' A LIL STUPID-ASS BITCH NYUGGAH!"
Kratos suddenly froze in place.
Johanna looked towards her father. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I've... never felt something like this before..." Kratos grasped his chest. "I've never felt something so..." Suddenly his head began rapidly shaking back and forth.
Johanna backed away from him. He began to gibber and thrash as he- "WHAT'S GOOD, NYUGGAHHHHHH?!"
Kratos raised a hand and pointed towards Johanna. He stared at her with his eyes wide in shock. "S-Stay BACK!"
"Father"-
"F-Find them... Find... Dakteam and his friends..." Kratos said. "FIND THEM NOW!" Right at that moment, Kratos lost control and charged towards her.
Johanna looked at Dakteam's therapy session, and then walked into it.
Bigger Luke looked at her. "Hello there."
"Dakteam?" she asked. "Are you here?" She looked around.
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Where is Dakteam?"
"He's in the Dream Realm."
"The- are you speaking Inane Bullshit?"
"No, I assure you I'm not."
At that moment, you step out, feeling much calmer and... refreshed.
"Oh, it's you." Luke said. "From the looks of things you appear to be finished."
"I am, thank you Bigger Luke." You say with your Clone Trooper accent. "I went to the Bowl and relaxed."
You then look at Johanna. "Hello Johanna." You say.
"You can speak to me." She says, staring at you. "You're not..."
"Traumatized? No, I'm not. Well, I'm not hurting from it any longer. Just someone who had a long night."
Johanna nods.
At that moment, you then remember your previous conversation with Johanna. "Listen I'm very sorry about... well everything."
"What do you mean?"
"For the trouble I caused your family I mean." You say. "What I did to your family was incredibly wrong and disgusting and it sparked an understandable reaction from a mother that was just trying to protect their child."
Johanna seemed to remember your words; they still seem to piss her off, but she isn't about to grow talons and claw your heart out this time.
"Now, with that said. Why did you exactly come here?" You ask.
"To get you to help me stop Stinkmeaner. My father has been corrupted by his hatred."
"Kratos has been corrupted?" You ask.
"Yes, and this Stinkmeaner wants to destroy us all; the entire OMNIVERSE is in jeopardy and if Stinkmeaner is allowed to, he will kill everyone. My father once told me in fact this man was so powerful he nearly killed Zeno."
Okay, this is getting weird.
"Nearly killed Zeno?" You then at that moment hold a hand to your chin and say the most rational thing you've probably ever said. "We're gonna need the Grove."
"The Gro-..." Johanna is surprised you know who the Grove is. "My homies?"
You nod. "They were an invaluable help when dealing with the Bongsmokers."
"Yes, I meant THOSE guys and... wait a second, you've mastered the MEEM Side of the Force?" You ask.
Johanna nods.
"Impressive. Most impressive." You say. "I mean even in the 60 years I spent in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, I never came close to mastering that."
Bigger Luke is impressed. "Well, now we just have to contact Bigger Lightning McQueen and we'll soon have the cavalry set up."
You nod... and then you shake your head. "Wait what?"
You then remember. "Oh yeah." You say looking down before you then look at Johanna. "Something tells me we should get going now."
Johanna Instant Transmissions without warning.
You then immediately go to your friends, Goku and Jenny and immediately grab them and Instant Transmission.
You appear in front of Big Smoke who is just casually eating some Cluckin' Bell. "Wh-" He was cut off by a swift punch to the face.
"Crap! Sorry!" Goku said.
"Are you crazy?! We're not here to fight, you know!" Jenny warns.
"I know! Sorry I just jumped to conclusions!" Goku said. "I saw the glasses and I just thought he was that Stinkmeaner guy!"
"Ay, you sayin' cuz I am black that I automatically look like an old ass fool? Hell, I didn't know bein' a glasses-wearin' nigga gave me such an old-ass appearance." Big Smoke jokes.
"Hehe... sorry." Goku said as he rubbed the back of his head. At that moment, Big Smoke then noticed Johanna. "Ay, Jones!"
"Smoke who the fuck you talkin' t-" Sweet at that moment stops walking once he spots Johanna. "Jones? Dat you?"
"It's me."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe it's you! Oh my God!" Big Smoke immediately runs up to her and gives her a big hug.
"What's all this talk about 'Jones' and..." Sully stopped once he noticed Johanna. "Holy cow. You've come back!"
Johanna gives Sully a nigga handshake.
"Good to see you." Sully said. "In fact, I think the last time I saw you was when Randall ran the Ballas."
"We had to fuse to defeat him; once he used those Potaras to fuse with Bowser, he was nearly unstoppable to the Grove." Johanna remembers.
"Yeah I remember." Sully says with a chuckle. "It was when I unlocked my Super Rose Monster Ultimate form."
"So you know each other?" Jenny asks.
"We go way back." Sully said as he then notices the new person. "And who are you?"
"I'm Jenny." Jenny said.
"Wait Jenny..." Sully then remembered. "Oh yeah, I think I remember Nora talking about something like that." Jenny's eyes widened.
"Wait, you knew my mom?"
Sully nodded. "Yeah. I helped her deal with Armageddroid back when it was taken over by General Grievous and Zamasu. It was when I unlocked Ultra Scarer God, the form that comes before Super Rose Monster Ultimate."
Sully smiled. "I took his immortal ass out with one punch."
"Impressive." You say.
"H... hello."
"Hello." Sully said nervously.
You look at Big Smoke who then looks down.
"Ay, it's my nigga Flik." Big Smoke said.
"I can still barely believe this is happening." You said. "Wait, did you say Flik?"
"Yeah man, Flik! He once was able to fight the Grinch to a standstill, back when the Grinch and Hopper fused with Randall and became Hograndall Ultra Scarer Vore God."
"That I did!" Flik said as he suddenly grew to human size. "What's up my nigga?"
Big Smoke and Flik did a nigga handshake.
"Flik..." You started to ask him a question but then you shook your head.
"So." Sweet began. "What brings y'all back to the Grove? Did some bad shit happen?"
"Bad shit happened." You answered. "REALLY bad shit happened."
"My father was possessed by Stinkmeaner." Johanna explains. "He then tried to attack me."
Flik immediately went Colonia de Hormigas Dios Instinto Hijo de Puta.
"THAT OLD BASTARD'S BACK?!" Flik asked.
"I thought he died during the last invasion attempt by the Crater Nyukkas." Sweet added.
"Crater what now?" You ask.
"They're basically those Crater Critters except dey all... well... black and pissed." Sweet explained.
"I managed to track down the svelk bastards that did this to him and..."
"Wait." You turn around. "Dr. Kovas?"
"Ay, my nigga Kovas!" Carl says. "Since when the fuck you talk to me? You never liked me much anyway."
"I didn't like you." Kovas says. "He was possessed by Stinkmeaner, though? Fuck, I thought the last of those were killed."
"Who was possessed?" Big Smoke asked.
"The Professor." Kovas says.
"The crazy old fuck who made me?" Big Smoke asks. "What the fuck happened?"
"Bigger Chick Hicks is his name, jus' one o' many names I killed him as." Kovas says. "One of the svelk must've taken him over..."
"Ay, but who?" Carl asks.
"I dunno, but they need to be found and killed." Carl said.
"Wait, we're at war?" Big Smoke asked.
"More like a struggle for control over who gets to use the Team's assets." Sully says. "Let's make sure we speak so that Dakteam can understand us."
"Uh... what was that they were speaking in?" Goku asked.
"I believe it was the language of Inane Bullshit." Flik says in an awed tone.
"That's cool, do you speak it?" Goku asks you.
You shake your head.
"Me neither."
"I can sort of understand it... my name, at least." You say.
"Hey, Dakteam, isn't your planet's native tongue Oiyouwhatyoulookinat?"
"Uh... y-yeah." You say. "I don't speak it at all though if only because it sounds highly offensive."
"I don't think 'munana' is offensive though, it just means hello."
You realize why that mosquito was pissed; 'Uh' means 'you fucking fokin' idiot'.
"... huh." You say. "I completely have forgotten my native language over time."
"And 'No' in Inane Bullshit means 'Let me tibbie your bibbies'." Big Smoke points out. "It can be hard for beginners learning the language to not accidentally piss off their teachers."
You turn pale because you then realize you basically asked Kyros back when you were in the Nightmare Dimension multiple times if you could... tibbie his bibbies.
"... did I really say that?"
"More than once." Kovas said. "You also told him that he has a massive Teletubby in his asshole." You feel an urge to be violently ill.
"Anyway, we gotta fight the Psyker Armed Forces before he kills us, and I'm saying his name in Inane Bullshit in case he can sense his name being spoken."
You paused for a moment... then you realized who he might be referring to. "Alrighty then, so let's get going."
"Ay, we can't." Sweet says.
"Why not?" You ask.
"We've gotta wait for someone." Sweet says.
"Who?" You ask.
Big Smoke then checks... something on his phone and then looks up at Sweet. "Ay homie, he ready."
Sweet nods before then suddenly Instant Transmissioning out of the building.
"Who is he referring to?" You ask.
At that moment, Sweet reappears with a certain Nerd... and frog family.
"Wait a second, are they..."
"As a matter of fact they are." Nerd said. "After dealing with the bullshit Quigley put them through, they joined me in training in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber and now we're ready."
"Ready?" You ask. "You mean you were told about the Stinkmeaner shit?" Nerd nodded. "Also what do you mean by ready?" The Nerd simply looked at Leap and his family. "Go on, show them." The Nerd said. They all nodded and promptly powered up. They all grew incredibly muscular, various pieces of learning equipment started surrounding them and they also most notably had silver eyes. When they finished, they all struck a dramatic pose which revealed that they had also manifested stands. You were staring at them in complete shock.
"What the... what is that form?" You ask. Leap smiles.
"We call this form Ultimate Leapster Learner X2000 Ultra Super Smartatronic Angel." Leap said.
You just shook your head and then looked at the Nerd. "Well what about you?"
The Nerd smirked as he started powering up. He begins to grow robotic tentacles, his hair becomes shorter, and his skin turns metallic. "This form is ULTRA COMPUTER NERD ELDRITCH ASS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT ASS FUCK MODE! Also known as Death Mwauthzyx! I can now channel the power of Shitty Games at will!"
"Holy shit..." You say. "That's incredible!"
"And best of all." The Nerd's jaw drops to the floor. 6,000,000,000,000 cannons loaded with shit all poke out of his mouth. He then retracts them and speaks. "I CAN MAKE MY PHYSICAL FORM ANYTHING I WANT TO BE!"
"Holy fuck..."
"Okay homie. Now we can go." Sweet said.
"Yeah, let's go kill the Nyukka." Leap says.
CJ turns on their HQ. "Let's get this mo'fucka out of this star system! That way we can plan without that old ass nigga tracking us down!"
"Alright then, let's do it." You say.
The base shakes and then takes off.
You haven't even been looking out of the window for more than a second before you notice that cold vacuum of space outside of it. "How... fast is this thing going?"
"It's going at niggaspeed, homie." Sweet says. "It's not gonna stop, until the Grove is sufficiently far away from his black ass."
Before you all knew it, you guys were completely out of all known universes.
"Alright. Now we're fucked." You say, momentarily panicking.
"Ay, chill." Carl says. "Some really eldritch shit may be out there, but we're fuckin' safe in here."
"Alright." You say, calming yourself down. "If you say so."
You begin to look out the window, staring at the vast amount of blackness that's swirling around the ship... and then you spot a fucking eyeball that's about the size of a planet with fifty nipples somehow keeping pace with the ship.
"What the fuck is that?" You say.
"That is a citizen of Omniverse 2203, our omniverse." Leap says. "It's really just trying to find a place to eat."
"Wait... there are multiple omniverses?" You ask. "How the fuck did we not know about this?"
"You didn't." Leap corrects.
"Oh... well to be fair, the thought never crossed my mind." You say. "How many omniverses are there anyway?"
"ϻ,000,000,000,000." Leap says, enunciating each number.
"I... what?" You ask.
"ϻ,000,000,000,000."
"I can't even comprehend that number." You say.
"Well, you'll need to get used to it." Leap says.
You look out of the window again and see a bunch of floating gardens... with animal-dick-plant tentacle abominations.
"You see, soon we might be approaching the best fighters in the ᎦᏬspan lang="hi-IN"ፈ/spanᏦverse..." Leap says. "The literal Edgelords, since they're at the edge of reality."
"...What?" You ask.
"These guys are beyond omnipotent, man." Leap says.
"The Bootlegs?" You realize; they're of Zeno's race. Pepsiman is one of them. "What? Oh god no..."
"The spongy one headed here." Leap says. "He also brought Jiren."
"Jiren?" You ask.
At that moment, you all showed up in the Bootleg dimension... Bootleg Goku looked up and watched the Grove HQ fly into it via a ridiculously out-of-place portal.
"Vegeta, who is that?" Goku says, in Japanese that doesn't even match the subtitles.
"How the fuck should I know?" Vegeta asks, utilizing completely unnecessary swears.
"Well, they seem... oh shit, it's the Grove! Hilds and her niggas are here! But I don't sense her..." Guku says.
"Kakarot." Viagra says. "Remember, Johanna's energy cannot be sensed normally. It's beyond omnipotent!"
"Right." Guku says. "I'll come in from the back. The front's caved, and those pussy Evil Gods are gonna be all over the place, futzing with shit. You stay out of sight."
"Roger that." Viagra said right before jumping behind a rock.
The HQ lands. You can feel the energy of everyone here. It smells like Sony Vegas and Adobe After Effects without the polish. You don't know how you can smell that.
"Oh god..." You say. "Everything here looks traced."
"That's because it is traced." Carl says.
The door to the hatch opens and a set of stairs pop out.
"Come on, Dakteam."
You nod and leave the ship. Immediately you are hit by the whiff of cheap-ass egotistical animator and you feel your sense of time and continuity starting to waiver. In fact, you start to feel a little sick.
"Should we even be doing this?" You ask.
"Fuck yeah, this is what we're here for man!" Carl says.
You notice that Carl spoke in very unfitting Japanese.
"Why the fuck are you speaking Japanese, Carl?" You ask.
"Oh, we're going to take out that fucking retarded asshole Stinkmeaner." Carl says.
"Right..." You say. "Did I just walk into something very similar to the ⭕🆖 shit?"
Right at that moment, suddenly a traced frog showed up. A very... familiar frog showed up.
"WHAT UP #️⃣✝🈴🈂▶ ↩ ⏫💲?!" Bootleg Pepe screamed.
You stare on at the frog in confusion with an opened mouth.
"What the fuck happened to you, man?" Carl asks.
"I don't know, but... is that..."
It is.
"I HOPE Y'ALL BROKE-A🔄🔄 FAGGOTS READY OR ME!" Bootleg Pepe shouted as he started powering up.
Peepee's power went up by another few notches and he raised his fists.
"BRING IT ON HOME NIGGAZ!" He shouted, as his face began to resemble a certain chef as he powered up.
"Oh fucking Christ..." You say.
Peepee proceeds to turn into Chef Peepee as his dick grows larger. Soon, it is as large as a bootleg variation of-
"Stand back everyone." A loud but small voice says. You see the shape of a bee suddenly grow larger. Barry Benson is here. "I've been training in this dimension for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Bootleg years; I can handle this knockoff."
"Barry?!" Carl asks.
"YEEEEESSS!" Barry says, flying at the frog.
Barry tackles Peepee with ease. You can feel its ribs cracking as it explodes from how hard it's being hit by the bee.
"Goddamn..." You say.
"Barry, is there any way you can freeze him?" A Wakandan voice asks. "This could be a matter of life and death." Bootleg T'Challa, who isn't naked but is very much made of gold plastic, and has trained to resist breaking apart.
"What the fuck..." You say under your breath.
"WOW! THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" Phil Swift shouts, powering up to Flex Tape Ultra Damage Super Water-Resistant Bond.
"NANI?!" You shout. "Koko de nani ga okotte iru nodesu ka? Jitto mitsumete iru to, atama ga okashiku natte iru yō ni kanjimasu. Watashi... Kono go yoko ni naru hitsuyō ga aru to omoimasu."
Johanna walks out of the ship. "What the fuck is this place?"
"It's the home of Bootleg Dakteam, the most powerful warrior who ever lived!" Carl says.
"WHAT?!" You shout right as a random traced figure showed up.
"HELLO, SOY BOY FAGGOT."
"Oh, he's... me." You say with distaste. "Is he really the greatest warrior?"
"If you fuse with"-
"No."
"What?" CJ asked.
"Fuck that, I ain't doing it." You say.
"Alright, calm down."
No sooner have the words left your lips as another random traced figure appeared.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Viagra asked.
"Yo, nigguhz. I be Bootleg Cee Jay mah niggas! I don't know how to spell o' read! But I can run really fast and love watermelon, fried chicken, and waffles!" Bootleg Sis Jej shouted.
"Are you fucking shitting me?!" You shout.
"You know what at this po-" Suddenly you heard someone let out the longest "OHHH!" ever.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "Oh my God..." You say as you stand there.
"Fuck!" Bootleg Sis Jej says. "Ah! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhh! Oh! Oah! Ouh! OUUUH!"
"Alright, everyone get in the HQ!" Carl shouted. "You motherfuckers are coming along for a road trip! Especially you, Bootleg Saitama!"
"Bitch, please." Satima says.
At that point, suddenly more traces show up... including one particular edgelord. The one named King Edgelord DAMN! *Gunshot noise* Archon.
"Oh fuck!" You say, doing the same thing as the others and running for the hatch.
You get to it, but it shuts before you can get inside.
... Carl opens the hatch back up. "Shit, sorry homie."
"It's okay." You say as you and the other traces get inside.
Carl follows right after, shutting it behind him.
You collapse into a couch.
"Wait! You motherfucking faggots better wait for me!" King Edgelord DAMN! *Gunshot noise* Archon says.
"Get da fuck inside den!" CJ yelled out. "Da door's open for ya!"
"Nah, I got it." Satima says.
He grabs King Edgelord DAMN! *Gunshot noise* Archon and pulls him inside.
"Watashi wa doko ni aru darō?" (Where am I?) Guku asked.
"Grove HQ." CJ said.
"Nani?" (What?)
"It's a safe house, for when we're doing shit like this."
"Kotowaredo yo." (Wait, I know where this is.)
"Don't tell me Kakarot." Viagra says. "You've been making your way to another reality?"
"Un, nafumi? Watashitachi wa kore no tame o tawagoto no tame ni kezutte imasunode, shinpaishinaidekudasai." (Yes; I have been training with the spongy one.)
At this point, you're in too much shock to speak, let alone ask questions... because you're asleep on a couch.
"I'm sorry, I'm lost here can someone explain what the hell is even happening?" Jenny asks.
"*sigh* You fucking brought this on yourself, kid." Archon says.
The room goes quiet... until you hear a disembodied voice from the speaker on the ceiling.
"Attention: Ya'll niggas better sit back, because the Grove is taking off." The voice of Big Smoke rings out.
"Ha fucking hahahahahaha! Oh man, this is going to be good." Archon laughs.
"What's happening?" Jennifer asks again.
"Where are we going?" You ask as you wake up.
"Deeper." Leap says.
"Tru dat." Satima smiles.
"What?" You ask.
"You'll find out when you're ready." Archon says.
The HQ shakes as it begins to take off...
"𝕰,000,000,000,000,000,000 span lang="hi-IN"เ/spanɭՇspan lang="hi-IN"เ/spanђs away from here." Leap says.
"I'm not even gonna pretend I understood what you just said." You say. "But wait a second, we're already deep in the Bootleg Dimension. How deep are we gonna go?"
"As far as it goes." Archon says.
"We're going to the span lang="hi-IN"ງ/spanh." Leap says.
"What the fuck?" You say.
"The ◻◻? How the hell are we going to get there?" Archon asks himself.
"I just... I can't... WHAT?!" You ask.
"It's simple really." Leap says.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" You ask.
"Wait, you're friends with a God of Destruction and are now several years old and yet this is breaking y-"
"YES!" You interject. "YES IT IS!"
"Pfft. This sounds like lame-ass shit if you ask me." Archon says.
You feel... "What is that?"
You look out the window and see a large black hand reach out the window and grab ahold of HQ.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
"A tyujj." Leap says.
"WHAT?!"
"A tyujj is a peaceful living vacuum of space; they're void creatures." Leap says.
"Vacuum of what?" You ask.
"Zero-point energy." Archon says.
"WHAT?!" You shout.
"Look, just don't worry about it."
You watch as the Tyujj slowly sucks HQ in and twirls it around.
"HQ is going to be fine." Archon says.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!" You ask.
"Because Tyujj do not eat."
"HQ's being absorbed into the creature." Leap says. "We're going deeper."
"I'M SORRY WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY 'DEEPER'?!" You shout. "WAIT A SECOND! AM I STILL IN THE DREAM REALM?! AM I STILL WITH CIPHER?! AM I REAL?!" You then turn to Johanna. "ARE YOU A FUCKING CLANKA?!"
You hear a booming voice from outside the HQ. "span lang="hi-IN"๒ ฬן /spanєspan lang="hi-IN"ן /spanєspan lang="hi-IN"ןןן/spanє span lang="hi-IN"๒/spanєђєspan lang="hi-IN"๒ /span3span lang="hi-IN"ןןן /spanєspan lang="hi-IN"๒/spanђ3span lang="hi-IN"ﻮ /spanєspan lang="hi-IN"ש/spanєspan lang="hi-IN"๒ ๒/spanєspan lang="hi-IN"ภ/spanє"
"Leap? Leap we've gone too far, let's turn around." You say.
"'ᏝᏋᏗᎮ? ᏝᏋᏗᎮ ᏇᏋ'ᏉᏋ ᎶᎧᏁᏋ ᏖᎧᎧ ᎦᏗᏒ, ᏝᏋᏖ'Ꮥ ᏖᏬᏒᏁ ᏗᏒᎧᏬᏁᎴ.' ᎩᎧᏬ ᏕᏗᎩ." The booming voice says.
"Oh fucking god I'm scared." You say. "Can we turn around? G-God dammit, can we turn around?"
"No." Leap says, slightly pissed. "This is how we're gonna beat that asshole."
"What the fuck is a Tyujj? Where are we? Why does reality feel so thin?!"
Leap doesn't respond, he just starts typing on his Leapster 10 S.
At that point, you just sit back on the couch and just try to relax yourself. You're not scared, you just don't want to piss off the beast outside, lest it starts feeding on you last.
"HQ is being digested, let's see what we got..." Leap says. "Reality is becoming thinner, we're going deeper... Soon, we should be reaching the point where words and reality coexist." Leap says.
"That... doesn't even begin to make sense." You say.
"We're doing something that Hilda once used to hone her strength; something beyond reality that is perfect for training." Leap finally explains.
"Oh... Wait this is what she used?" You ask. "Why the hell didn't you mention that before?"
"Because this place is dangerous; here, the rules of what is narratively possible become thin." Leap says.
"So what you're saying is that the only way to beat Stinkmeaner is to basically beat him at his own game? We're going beyond reality to train ourselves up to bullshit levels of our own to stop him?" You ask.
"Basically."
"Oh..." You say. "Well to be honest I now feel better about this."
"Are you sure? Because someone very important lives here... the Narrator." Leap says.
"...I'm sorry what?" You ask.
"The Narrator. The one who is telling this story. He's, or they, or whoever, whatever, is writing our dialogue right now."
"WHAT?!" You ask.
"The man inside the purple jumpsuit, the one you are addressing as 'Leap', is in fact, the Narrator."
You look up.
Sorry, I just wanted to inject some humor into this situation. Hello there, I am the Narrator.
"What the fuck?" You ask.
Hello, Dakteam.
Right then, I guess you should be pretty confused right now. I will give you a few moments to compose yourself, and then we can get started. Take your time.
"I... am I seeing God right now?" You ask.
Nope, just the Narrator. Though I guess you can think of me as his avatar, or even a god.
"Then who are you?"
As mentioned before, I am the Narrator. I run this story, and many others like it.
Now then, let's get started. I power up to Reality Bending 🅱🅾🆖 Obsession 69,420. Hilda is the only one who has ever beaten me, and Saitama fell asleep before he could even face me.
"What the fuck?" You ask. "Are you serious? This is the first step to beating Stinkmeaner?!"
Indeed.
I charge at you at hyperspeed. You get punched 50,000,000,000 times, because you are a pawn to the Narrative. I was designed to tell stories and therefore, I can overcome any and all plot contrivance and imagine whatever I want for this battle.
"So... you're g-" I cut you off with 90,000,000,000,000,000 punches that occur in an attosecond to your chest. You collapse to the ground heavily breathing.
"Oh fucking Chr-" You're cut off once again by me landing a roundhouse kick to your face. Come on man, this is training, you should be fighting back.
"Sorry, I still haven't gotten past the fact I'm fighting the Narra-" I cut you off with a Tatsumaki Senpukyaku that hits you 900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times in the span of a femtosecond. This causes you to fall to your knees and puke.
"What th-"
I end this battle with a punch that obliterates you into a pile of subatomic particles that are then absorbed into the weave of reality. However, since you are needing to train with me, I make sure you reform almost immediately.
"WHAT... THE... FU-" I then cut you off again. I land over 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 punches straight to your gut. You couldn't react I was moving so fucking fast which meant you collapsed in pain. I then follow this up with an uppercut to your jaw that sent you high into the air which I then followed up by unloading a meager 100 billion ki blasts straight to your jugular. You explode into a fine mist which evaporates into the dry, sand like sky. I then make you reform again.
"Oh dear god..." You say. "Oh fucking g-" You are then forced to the ground by me as I start repeatedly punching you in the face at incomprehensible speeds. See this is the thing when you're fighting me, the Narrator. I write all the rules here so if you want to beat me, you have to overcome all narrative bullshit so come on, stop talking and start fighting.
Come on, you can do better than that! I start landing hundreds of punches in under a half of a second.
You can barely block these punches so your face ends up becoming bloody paste so I have to use my powers to make sure that you heal up. Then I grab you by the face and start repeatedly slamming you into the ground.
Come on! I'm giving you time to react! At this rate, you'll just fucking die again.
You try to punch me but it's no use. I grab your arm and rip it off with barely any effort before then hitting you with it so hard you're erased from reality but again, because you are required to train with me, I simply make you reform with ease. You collapse to your knees and start... crying? You're crying are you kidding me?
"Fuck you." You say causing me to laugh.
Oh you're angry. I then lift you up by your shirt collar and tear off your clothes. The whole point is to reach whole new levels of power far beyond anything reality can show you so you should only fight with the bare essentials.
I then punch you down into the ground again and start repeatedly stomping on your body. You trying to scream but I stop you from doing so by putting my foot on your mouth.
I press ever so slightly more and find I squish your head and entire body. Of course I can't have you die since that wouldn't be training and so I heal you once again and see you're even more pissed off.
"Oh sure tear off my clothes." You say angrily. "Something tells me this is just an excuse to see a naked Dakt-" I silence you with a 60,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000-hit combo to your face that occurs in less than a femtosecond. You're sent across the arena at a speed so fast that you're rendered incapable of healing or even regaining consciousness and you die instantly, before you can experience the sheer ungodly pain I inflict on you. Of course, this means I have to revive you again.
"No speaking... wait, but speaking is the only real narrative power I have. You can't change what I say without fundamentally changing who I am!" You realize. "So I should speak as much as possible, or think"- You realize; you're going to have to BE A 🅱1️⃣T©H 🅰5️⃣5️⃣ N1️⃣🅱🅱🅰!
"But I don't even know what that means!" You cry out in horror.
Okay at this point I'm starting to get annoyed. Come on you bitch nigga, actually fight back instead of mouthing off like some bootleg Dragon Ball character. Actually fucking fight me. Don't even try to run, I'm faster than you, I'll catch you.
I stare at you expectantly.
"I should think... in the same quote- wait, if I let this quote end with your words, then you can use Narrative bullshit to stop me!" You say as I shove my finger into every single one of your pores at once.
You just collapse into a puddle of your own blood. Of course I have to revive you again.
Do I have to fucking tell you the fucking epiphany?
You just look at me dazed. I sigh as I grab your entire body and start wringing you like a towel.
You're literally holding yourself back right now. You're focusing so goddamn much on just trying to beat me within the confines of your world that you don't understand that I AM the Narrator. I can make 2 + 2 = 5, I can divide by zero, I can make if I wanted to Big Smoke suddenly become a vegetarian. You can't beat me via conventional means!
"You can't make Big Smoke become a vegetari-" You stop yourself moments before I toss you into a wall.
"No seriously." You say. "You can't do something like that. You may be the Narrator but that's just it, you narrate the story. You're not the writer, you can't actually do anything to alter the characters." I stare at you with wide eyes. Have you... have you finally gotten it?
""You can do only what the plot requires you to do. So if I want to beat you." You say as you close your eyes and begin to focus on your dialogue.
Wait, you broke-
You land a 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Hakai-energy-infused combo straight to my chest.
I drop to my knees and begin coughing up blood. You look down at your handiwork as I begin to bleed out on the floor.
Before I could react, you land a Tatsumaki Senpukyaku that hits 900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times.
I keep coughing.
You then waste no time and grab my face and start slamming me repeatedly into the ground. I of course counter you by kicking you in the gut but you simply don't react to it and... okay I have to stop this. You're getting too brutal man. You already had your epiphany. Move on.
You stop and you stare at me for a moment before then bowing your head. "I'm sorry."
It's okay, just... save that shit for Stinkmeaner. I'm not mad.
You move away from me and back to the ship.
"Alright let's get out of here." You say. "I kicked the narrator's ass and right now I'm on the verge of an existential crisis because it just hit me what I did."
The Grove HQ was flying through space as you were just sitting on the couch with the Nerd having a beer. You were partially questioning your actions. Should you have killed the narrator? He was the one who put you and your friends through so much shit so wasn't he responsible?
Nah, Kratosing the Narrator would've just been a bad idea and would've made shit worse.
"Ay man, if it makes you feel any better about Narrative bullshit, the Narrator was almost Hakaied once by Pleakley." Big Smoke says. "Or maybe that makes you feel more guilty fo' thinking about... sorry, Dakteam, I read yo' mind without askin'."
"Well, this is some weird pile of ass." The Nerd says. "We're out in the middle of literally FUCKING NOWHERE!"
"Yeah." You say as you down your Rolling Rock. "It's weird."
"I don't get the point of it exactly." Kovas adds.
"Yeah..." You say as you down a Rolling R-oh fuck my balls.
"You okay?" You ask me as- Dakteam, I appreciate your concern, but stop directly talking to me.
"Oh sorry." Seriously man, stop.
You stop as you have another beer. The Nerd at this point notices how quickly you're downing the beer.
"Hey man, there's no rush to get drunk." The Nerd says.
"That's the thing. I can't get drunk." You say. "Part of my genes involves Captain America's so no matter how much I drink, I can't get intoxicated... then again, maybe this beer isn't real. Maybe my genes aren't real. Are you- are you real?! ARE YOU A CLANKA?!"
"Dakt, everything's going to be ok-" The Nerd watches as you jump up on the couch.
"HOLY SHIT I'M SURROUNDED BY CLANKAS!" You scream. "THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! FUCK!"
You push the worried Nerd out of the way and try to make your escape as fast as you can. You have to get out of here.
Immediately, the Nerd catches up to you. "Dakt hold on!" He found you just staring at Goku.
"Dakteam? What's wr-"
"YOU'RE A FUCKING CLANKA!" You scream.
The Nerd is in disbelief.
"Yeah man, I'm a clanka." Goku said jokingly. "Whatever that means."
You are surrounded by clankas. Every last one of them. In the distance, you see... no. Count Dooku with a couple of his clankas in his eldritch form.
"No..." You say as you reach for a lightsaber. "NO!" You run down the halls screaming bloody murder.
"Dakteam, slow down!" The Nerd tries to stop you but you keep going.
"FUCK OFF CLANKA!" You scream as you start swinging your lightsaber wildly which cut up the walls. Unbeknownst to you, CJ was walking by and he narrowly avoided a swing.
"Ay what the fuck?! I'm not a fucking enemy!"
"Of course not." You laugh nervously. "A clanka would obviously want me to believe they're not an enemy."
"🅱🅾🆖!" You turn around upon hearing that noise and see... Ragyo? Oh no... oh fuck no.
"🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅱🅱🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅾🅾🅿! 🆑🅾🅾🅿1️⃣3️⃣5️⃣! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🅱🅾🆖! N1️⃣GG🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! D🅾🆖! 3️⃣✖🅿🅰ND D🅾🆖! 🅱🅾🆖! G🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🆑🅰🅿! 🆑🅰🅿 👏 👏 👏👏👏👏! 🅱🅾🆖! ̷̢̡̡̢̖̟̥̼̠̫̻͎̝̝̞͙̺̟̭͔̦̰͍̟̰̠̋́̔͒̈́͐͛̽̓̚̚͝͝ ̵̨̧̛͔̻̪̙̗̜̞̙̲̥̪̝̾̉͆͋̒̆̉̐̅́̆̌͌́̄̄̓̆͝͝ ̷̧̨̡̢̢̛̞̤̠̺̠̫̭̖̣̦̹̱̣̠̪̭͎̬̞́͛͑̑̂̀͌̾̑̍̃̅̊̅̓̍͆̉̈͋͘ ̶̧̮͖͕̯̱̹̙̙͚̙̰̬̮̱͍͚̟͙̣͚̤̓̀͂͆̇̑̒̌̄̍̈́̓̐͋͌̈́̂̎̊̔̈͘̕͠͝ ̸̢̨̛̳͚̬͇͖̠̝̅͊͂̽͐̈̂̾̓͆̎̆̍̓͌͛̿͑̚̕̕͘̚͝͝͠ ̸̧͉͉̦̘̤͇̪͖̲̯̙̬̹̦̞̟̰͕͔̗̥̼̘̲̲̗͚̤̔̕͘͜͜͝ͅ ̵̢̡̧̗̳̖̱̮͍̝͉̙̥͓̥̮̠̘͐̈̇̓͆̃̆̀̇́͑̑̉̄̎̅̓̾̽̄͆̓͗̈́͛̃͂̾̀͆̕͝͠͝ ̴̛̹̬̺̳̯̱̩̿̍̄̔̏͋͝ ̴͈͖̭̼̬͖̹͓̬̮̜͍͙̹̤̝̤͚̘͙̩̊͋̆̀̾̆̀́̇̋̄̄̊͂̅̍̄͑͝͝ͅ! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅱🅾- ̷̧̨̨̡̦͙͍̞̼̳͍̙̣̘̠͔̳̣͍̥̝̯̘͙̠̬͆̈̈͛̿̃̐̈͑͜͜͜͜͝ͅ ̶̢̳̪̠̣̞̙͔̭̱̟̤̥̺̘̻̝͆̇̑̏̈́͌̀͒̎̋͌͒̃̉͋̓̊͗͐̿̍͆͘͘͜͜ ̸̡̭̹̟̣̘̓̂͋͆̐̌̌͂́̎̉̈́͒̐̅̐͋͐̑̋̉̽̆̕̕̚͝ͅͅ ̴̨̖̘̖̙̀̈̽̆̉̌͂͗̾̇̔̾̈̀̕͝ͅ ̸̡̥̭̮͕͒ ̸͇̱̻̄́͆̊́͑̅̄̎̎̌̇́̈̎͝͝͝ ̴̖̲̑̏̒̑̎́̀̃̽̕͘͝ ̸͈̤̭͋̉̈̊̎̎̀͐͝ ̴̺̊̍̈́̉̊̏̄̌̑̓͛ ̶̢̗̤̺̲̣̬̘̪̖̞̰͖͎̙͎̬̜̥̞̪̹͕̱̘̖̗̪̞̗̺͐̂̇̾̄̀̈́́̍̈̐̄̾͌̃͗̑̓̏̚͜͝͠ͅ ̴̨̞̗͔̥̰͙͙̩̩̭̫͎̠͔̮̣̺̥͓͙͈͇̱̖͓͇͓̘̳̪̓̏̏̈͊̌̂̂̉̎̈́͊͘͘͜͝ ̸̺̘̺̹̽̍͗͊̋̄̉̋̆͊̽̈́̈́̈́̈́̿͑̐̈́͌̆͛̐͛͐̐̚͜͠ ̵̨̢̨̧̝͉͍͕̤̙͚͍̩̻̫̜͉̠̬͓̗͙̯̲̠̠̜͙̘̥͚͚͉͆͌̌̑̈́͋̀́̔̒͜ ̶̡̢̛̦͇̗͈̳̫͓̝̙̠̙̤̗̖̘̩̫̦͑̈́͂̈́͐͗͛̑͐͆̊̅͒̒́̍͘͝ͅͅ ̷͉͖̫͙̻̣̬͇͙̺̞̘͕̞̻͚̀̆̌̍̏̀̍̐́̒ ̸͓͈̺̩͎̥͈̻̹̲̼̻̻̹̝͕͔̱̗͌̊̔̓͑͊͆̾̓̚͠ͅͅ! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅿🅾🅾🅿🆑🅰🅿! 🅱🅾🆖! 🅾H ⓂY G🅾D 1️⃣'Ⓜ 1️⃣N 5️⃣🅾 ⓂU©H 🅱🅾🆖! 🅾🅾Ⓜ🅿🅰-1️⃣🅾🅾Ⓜ🅿🅰 3️⃣🅰T 🅿3️⃣3️⃣🅿3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣3️⃣🅱🅾🆖!" Ragyo screamed.
"...Oh no..." You say. "The clankas have learned the art of 🅱🅾🆖 and eldritch... I-I'm doomed. I'm fucking doomed!"
At that moment you back up in fear into Big Smoke.
Immediately you jump and turn around.
"DAMN IT, CLANKA! YOU FUCKING ALIVE?!" You ask.
"Y...yeah...A...(cough cough) yeah." Big Smoke responds.
"I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN CLANKA!" You scream.
You grab your lightsaber and try to cut him in half.
Big Smoke catches the lightsaber blade with his pores.
"Ay, Dakteam! It's me!" He says.
"You'll pay for that!" You scream as you swing the lightsaber back at him.
Right at that moment, you felt a mechanical arm on you. You turn to see Jenny who's looking at you with concern.
"Dakteam what's..."
"BACK AWAY CLANKA!" You shout. "I'LL FUCKIN RIP YOUR SOUL APART!"
Jenny backs away and you realize what you did. You drop the lightsaber and begin to breathe heavily. "I... I don't know what came over me." You say, shaking.
You collapse to your knees and start sobbing. Big Smo... (cough cough) Jenny puts her arm around you.
"Damn it all." You say. "I'm so sorry, Jenny. I... I..."
"Hush now." Jenny says. "It's alright."
"No." You say. "It's not alright, none of this alright!" You say. "I tried to kill you... I thought... damn it!"
"WHAT'S NOT ALRIGHT, NYUKKAH?!" You hear a very... old and pissed voice shout.
You turn to see Stinkmeaner hovering outside the HQ.
"STINKMEANER!" Goku shouted.
"Suhprised to see me nyukka?" Stinkmeaner asked.
You turn to Jenny.
"Jenny?" You ask.
"Yeah." She says.
"You may want to stand back." You say.
"Stand back? For wh-" Immediately she was flown back by the force of you just charging for Stinkmeaner. You burst through the window and grabbed him by the throat before you then chokeslammed him into the moon.
"RAAAGGH!" You roar.
"Damn nyukkah, you got some real element of suhprise, NYUGG"-
You cut him off by delivering a punch to his face which knocked off his sunglasses and it knocked out his few remaining teeth.
"You... nyukkah...!" He says right as he headbutts you in the nose.
"Time for me to show you how a real nyukka fights!" At that moment, Stinkmeaner activated Ultra Instinct. Instinctively, your hand went to his throat as you prepared to squeeze.
"Oh shit!" He says and tries to grab your hands. "Look at dis nyuggah!"
He slams his elbow down on your arm... only to be surprised that it wasn't hurting you. You just let go.
Then you landed a 600-hit combo right to his dick followed up by an uppercut to his jaw.
Stinkmeaner flew back into Saturn.
"OH SHIT NYUGGAH!" Stinkmeaner screamed as he grabbed the fucking RING OF SATURN and tossed it at you.
"Shit." You say as you catch it.
You then spin around at hyper-speed and throw it like a frisbee at him. He knocked it away but it still hit him in the face, busting his lip open.
"Fucking bitch!" He screamed right as he charged for you, he tackled you down to the Earth and wound up slamming you into Brad's house.
You laid on the fucking ground as he prepared to land another punch on you (and he did) but you rolled out of the way and kicked him in his dick.
"You lil bitch-ass! Pussy-ass! FA-" You knock him off you and get into a boxing position.
"Stop calling me names and just die!"
You punch him as hard as you can right to his fucking jaw. He stays standing though.
"Die? Muthafucka I can never die! I'm da one who called the devil a bitch-ass nyukka! What makes you think I'd di-" You grip his throat and start slamming him into the ground at ridiculously fast speeds. "DIE!" You scream as you continue to slam him into the fucking ground.
Stinkmeaner breaks free from this by using a dropkick... or at least he should've been able to. Something was wrong though, very wrong.
"What da fuck?! Dis ain't supposed how dis g-" You shut him up by throwing him high into the air before you then start powering up.
Stinkmeaner was right. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down at all. He was supposed to be standing on top of you... but you weren't letting that happen, that just simply wasn't how you were gonna let this narrative go down.
With a mighty scream you transformed into Super Saiyan Reality and charged upward towards Stinkmeaner and landed over 9,000 punches to his scrotum.
Stinkmeaner screamed in pain as his manhood was crushed by your fist.
"Agh! Fucking hell, that hurts like a bitch!"
You immediately follow this up by grabbing Stinkmeaner by the ear and proceeded to viciously DRAG him across a gravel pathway at hyper-speed with you making sure to pick only the roughest of paths so that you'd scrape the hell out of as much skin as possible. This continued on for about a minute with you stopping when you then slammed him against a tree. While he was still dazed, you went for a brutal punch that he tried to block... but the force of your fist was so great it caused his wrist to snap and it resulted in you decking him in the face anyway which gave him a broken nose. You wasted no time and started landing more punches to various places on his body before finally landing an overhead strike that sent him underground. You immediately used Instant Transmission to teleport in front of him and proceeded to grab him by his ruined balls and forced him back up through the ground and high into the sky. You then flew him all the way to a currently flying plane and threw him into a plane turbine. Of course, you realized this would've possibly led to the plane crashing so you immediately used Shadow Clone Jutsu and ordered that clone to prevent the plane from crashing which it did with ease. You turned your attention then back to Stinkmeaner just as he was flying towards you and you easily blocked his punch and countered with your own which hit with a force so great you could feel his ribs cracking apart. He coughed up some blood and you followed this up with a straight boot to the gut that sent him flying through the sky. You then cracked your knuckles and flew at niggaspeed and delivered a punch with a force so great it caused him to start circling the Earth multiple times. You then decided to do the same and flew around the Earth multiple times to charge up the impact of your punch and when you finally met Stinkmeaner, you hit him with a force so great that you were surprised he didn't atomize immediately. He blocked this with a hand and tried to fly away, but you grabbed his wrist and used the force from your punch to rip it clean off his arm.
"AGH!"
You then proceeded to beat the shit out of Stinkmeaner with his wrist which was still balled up into a fist before then tossing it aside and grabbing Stinkmeaner by the nipples. You then proceeded to give him a titty-twister so painful you could see his fucking chest flesh beginning to contort and twist before finally just ripping his nipples right off. You then wasted no time and grabbed Stinkmeaner by his lower lip and forced it up over his head as if it was some bizarre blanket before then proceeding to launch a series of rapid-fire punches to his gut which ended with one massive punch to his chest that sent him flying into Mars. You were about to fire off a couple more punches at him, but decided against it when you saw his body bouncing off the surface of Mars, you let the body simply fly to you.
"AAAAGH!" Stinkmeaner screamed. "You bitch-a-" You cut him off by gripping his throat before then proceeding to wring his body like a goddamn towel. You then gripped him by the ankles and slammed him into the ground which you did again... and again... and again... and again... you probably slammed him about 50,000 times when you then spun around at niggaspeed and tossed him into an abandoned building. Then in the span of a femtosecond you charged up to him and landed a Tatsumaki Senpukyaku that went past niggaspeed and into the realm of 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰speed before you then grabbed him by his face and started slamming him into the ground again. Stinkmeaner screamed and cursed as he tried to claw at your face but you ignored his attempts and simply tossed him into the sky again and started sending him across several miles with just some carefully timed punches until you then hit a volcano. You then chokeslammed the motherfucker into a volcano. You then paused to look down at him from your flying position.
You took a deep breath and simply dived down into the volcano, ignoring the searing hot magma and gripped Stinkmeaner by the throat as you tossed him out of the volcano. You tossed him so hard and so fast that he ended up in Tokyo and hit Godzilla square in the gut while he was on a rampage. Enraged, Godzilla quickly entered his Ultra Kingu of Kaiju Skreeonk Ultimate form and bitchslapped Stinkmeaner across the planet back to you. You easily caught him by the scruff of his neck and proceeded to land even more devastating blows to the old man who at this point had already fallen out of his Ultra Instinct form. Then after a few seconds of this you uppercutted him high into the air and proceeded to fire ki blasts at truly incomprehensible speeds. At this point, you were at least certain you went past 🅱1️⃣🅱🅱🅰speed and into 🅿1️⃣🅿🅿🅰speed. Then after a little bit of this, you let Stinkmeaner fall down towards you and you gripped him by the throat and gripped his arm. With minimal force, you ripped it the fuck off.
Stinkmeaner looked at you and then launched a kick that would've killed most. You easily caught his foot and broke it.
"Guh!" Stinkmeaner screamed out in pain.
You were about to do something more when you heard a loud "SKREEONK!" from the distance. Godzilla had jumped all the way from Tokyo to here and he still was in his form. He looked down at you and then at Stinkmeaner and pieced together what was happening, you both then teamed up to kick the shit out of Stinkmeaner. You landed a brutal punch to his face while Godzilla gave him a quick and easy poke with his finger. You kept at this for a little while until you both decided it was time to give him the business so finally, you tossed him high into the sky as both you and Godzilla got into a very familiar position.
"Kaaaa..." You said. "Meeeee..."
"Haaaa..." Godzilla attempted to say. "Meeee..."
"OH HELL NAW! Y'ALL CAN'T STOP THIS NYUKKA!" Stinkmeaner screamed as he let out his ultimate attack, a loud and LONG "NYUGGAH!" which manifested from his mouth and was heading straight for you and Godzilla.
"HAAAAAA!" You both screamed in unison, the giant-ass blue beam colliding with Stinkmeaner's "NYUGGAH!" thus commencing a beam struggle.
"Goddamn..." You say as you try to force Stinkmeaner's attack back. "This fucker is fucking strong."
"Damn right Nyukka!" Stinkmeaner screamed in your face, still holding his attack.
"Grr..." Godzilla grumbled as he pumped more power into his attack. Stinkmeaner at that moment then powered up into his ultimate form, Old Angry Ass Hateful Nigga and began to pump more energy into his attack.
"OH YEAH! HOW YOU LIKE DAT NYUGGAH?!" Stinkmeaner screamed.
In this moment of crisis, the two of you simultaneously screamed while pumping more energy into your attack.
"Grr... damn it." You say. "He's so powerful! Maybe I could just... no, no! I could rewrite the narrative but then I'd just be right back to where I started! I need... I need help!" At that moment you close your eyes and try to telepathically contact someone.
'Goku! Goku you there?' You ask.
'Yeah, Dakteam! I'm in the HQ!' Goku answers.
'Oh thank God... I need you to come to the battlefield NOW! It's an emergency! Bring everyone with you!'
'Even Hilda?'...
'N'-
'Even if she doesn't fight, I think she still might wanna see you win this one.'
You think to yourself for a moment. You really didn't want to bother Hilda but then again... maybe Goku was right? You didn't really know but you decided to go with it.
'Fine.' You say telepathically. 'Go ask her.'
'Okay Dakteam!' Goku said.
"HAHAHA!" Stinkmeaner laughed. "You really think yo punk-ass is gon' put me down?! I was attacked by the muhfuggin GOD OF WAR AND THEY COULDN'T BRING MAH BLACK ASS DOWN! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN NYUGGAH?!"
"Simple muthafucka." A deep voice said. You looked up and saw the Grove HQ hovering overhead with Big Smoke flying out of it. "He has friends who can help." Immediately, Big Smoke went to what you assumed was Super Busta OHHHmni-God and started charging an attack.
Following him was CJ who was in his Super Busta form, then there was Vegeta who was in Mastered Ultra Instinct, then there was Goku who was using Mastered Ultra Instinct, then you had Batman who was in his BATMAN! form, there was also AVGN who was in his Death Mwauthzyx form, Spider-Man who was in his Ultra Webhead Shooter Arachnobadass form, Johanna who was using that form she once used to brutalize you, you saw Ryeet, the fusion between Sweet and Ryder charging up, there was Flully, the fusion between Sully and Flik, really ever single member of the Grove all came out to help and it was glorious.
"HAHAHA! Look at all these cowards! Even you, NYUKKA!"
You all collectively hold your hands out. "Together." You say.
"WELL then, let the fucking battle commen-"
"HAKAI!" You all shout together.
... Uh, Stinkmeaner began to- "WAIT! NO! THIS AIN'T"- Stinkmeaner began to d- "NO! THE PLOT! THE 🅱🅾🆖"- Stinkmeaner began to di- "YOU PUNK-ASS, BITCH-ASS, PUSS"- Stinkmeaner began to dis- "NO NYUGGAH"- Stinkmeaner began to disa- "NO"-
Stinkmeaner began to disappear.
"YES!" You shout.
Stinkmeaner was disintegr-
"Nyukkah!" Stinkmeaner was disin-
"NYUGG-" STINKMEANER WAS FUCKING DISINTEGRATEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
... Where's Stinkmeaner?
"DEAD!" You scream. "He's fucking dead!"
No, the p-
"WELL WE MADE THE PLOT GO FUCK ITSELF!" You scream. "BECAUSE FUCK STINKMEANER! FUCK BONG! FUCK EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD!"
You let out a sigh of relief.
You then power down and turn your head to see a... surprising face.
Hilda.
"Hilda..." You say.
"You changed as a person." Hilda says, smiling. "You defeated the Nyukkah."
"The plot is now broken..." You say, worried. "Couldn't Big Smoke become a vegetarian suddenly?"
Big Smoke takes offense... to you saying that the plot would have to break for him to change so drastically. "Ay, man! You have been unlearnin' some deep seated chud shit. Anything's possible, for real."
You then realize that indeed, what you said was ridiculous. He was right. What mattered most is not necessarily that you broke the plot. It was more the change and growth you went through.
"Phew..." You say before then turning to the bootleg people. "Uh... sorry guys, I guess this means you came here for no reason."
"No, we have a new purpose now. To support you in your goal of growing stronger. You did well."
Hilda then Instant Transmissions away suddenly. It was concerning.
"So..." You say. "What do we do now?"
"Where'd Hilds go?" CJ said, accidentally ignoring you.
"Knowing her." You reply. "Probably back to her temple."
At that moment, you then realize something. Hilda had intervened so many times on your life to help you, maybe it was time for you to help her. At that moment, you then Instant Transmission away to Hilda's temple.
You appear not far from the temple. You look around to see if Hilda was there, but you didn't see her. With a sigh of relief, you head to the temple.
You quickly run up and spot Whis standing in his usual spot.
"Oh hello Dakteam." Whis said. "I take it that business with that Stinkmeaner person is done?"
You nod. "Is Hilda around?"
"She's resting." Whis says. "I would recommend you to, on her behalf, not bother her."
"I know that's what would probably be recommended..." You say. "But... I don't know it's just after she has helped me for so long, I'd like to return to favor."
You see a faint smile on Whis face, but it disappears as quick as it comes.
"If you must, fine."
"Thanks Whis." You say right as you hear the sound of an Instant Transmission.
"Yo Whis!" Goku said.
"I've told you, Goku, many times before, that Lord Hilda's not resting for the sake of rejuvenating her fighting energy, but her mental energy."
"Oh, well that's why I'm here!" Goku says, giggling. "I brought her some Senzu Beans as well, just in case that helps."
"That is... not even remotely how that works Goku." Whis said. "However, you are most welcome, and thank you for your thoughts on this matter."
You watch as Whis takes the bag of beans from Goku.
You then make your way into the temple.
You enter the dimly lit temple. You walk past the statue of Hilda and up the steps to the... where are her private chambers?
You... mentally decide to rephrase that. Where are her chambers... nope still sounds bad. Where is her bedro-oh god that sounds worse. Where's her... study? Yeah you'll go with study.
"Hey Whis?" You say. "You know where I can find Hilda's study?"
"Her private chambers are around the corner and to the left." Whis says, handing you the bag of Senzu Beans. "Also, Goku was insistent that I give these to her."
"I see..." You say. "Well thanks."
You put the... surprisingly heavy bag of beans over your shoulder and make your way to the designated hallway.
As you round the corner, you find yourself staring at a massive room filled with books and bookshelves. You then see a large desk in the center of the room, with a figure behind it.
"Hilda?" You call out, walking closer.
A statue.
You feel incredibly stupid upon realizing you mistook a statue for Hilda. At this point, you put the bean bag over your shoulder and try to lift it. No go. You start to sweat drop by how bulky these beans are supposed to be.
"Sweet Jesus, is there a fucking body in here?" You ask as you go to check the bag. You find... Vegeta?
"Kakarot promised me fifteen hours of training for this." Vegeta said.
"There's a body in the bag..." You say, confused. "Anyw-" Vegeta at that moment notices he's in Hilda's study.
Vegeta tenses up and falls out of the bag. "Tch-gh! Th-"
"V-V-Vegeta?" You ask. "You okay?"
"Damn it Kakarot! If I had known I was going to be transported to a God of Destruction's study like this, I would have never agreed to this!"
You look around the room. It's fairly barren with the exception of the massive bookshelves. Though there is a giant tome on one of them that catches your eye. You see the spine of it and none other than The Elder Scrolls. You also see the Necronomicon, the Nigganomicon, the 🅱🅾🆖 Training- oh. Okay.
You consider the possibility of just taking one long deep-ass breath and just screaming out Hilda's name... but you stop yourself for you realize how stupid and rude that is. So instead you just decide to continue looking around the library.
You look at the many other bookshelves and see the likes of The Manipulative Man, The Way of the Wizard, some Star Wars novels, a book about Trolls, a book teaching the language of... Bootleg Japanese, a book by Pleakley, books by... wait the Grand Sloprano wrote a book? Wait there's a book teaching about the language of Inane Bullshit? Wait a second how in the hell did SHREK get a book deal?
You... realize that you are getting distracted by some of these weird-ass books.
You shake your head and refocus. You look around the room once more.
You then finally spot Hilda who was simply sitting at a desk reading one of these books.
"Hey Hilda." You say sheepishly.
"Hello." She says, formally and without much emotion.
"Pretty nice uh... study you have here." You say.
Hilda doesn't respond and just goes back to reading.
"So uh... what are you reading?" You ask. Seriously dumbass what are you doing, you are getting distracted just fucking tell her what you're doing here.
"It's on the subject of the Great Bed Revolts." She says, still reading.
"Oh... well that kinda might be out of date now because I sort of caused another one and..." You stop yourself because seriously dude, just fucking tell her what you're doing here.
"It is a very interesting read." She says.
"Yeah I bet..." You say. Come on you punk-ass, just say something. "Hilda I'm here because to be honest, it looked like you might've needed some help."
She looks at you. "I'm fine, as far as I know."
"Right now you may be fine but I saw back with your..." You stop yourself from saying "Mother". "I just know it has been a very rough day."
Hilda closes the book. "It has been."
You take a deep breath and continue. "And so I thought with... okay you know what? I'm just gonna be direct about it. You've jumped in and helped me so many times throughout my life, even during moments where I've been nothing but the absolute worst, most brutal dickhead so I thought maybe it would be nice if I helped you for a change."
Hilda's expression is unreadable. This will be difficult.
"I am seriously... fucked in the head." You say. "So maybe this is stupid. Maybe what I'm doing is just incredibly ridiculous and just not good at all but... goddamn it I just felt it was right. My heart kept telling me to do what was best and it said this was it. Look I'm not here with any intention to 'fix' something, I really just am here to... well, be here. I mean, that's what friends do isn't it?"
She stares at you with a face void of any emotion that you can tell is there.
"So..." You start to say.
Hilda stands up. "I appreciate that you want to help me, but I just need to rest."
"Hilda, if I had just been left to rest, if you hadn't intervened when Quigley was 'training me'? I would've been assraped. If you hadn't intervened when Chudteam was going on his rampage, I would've... probably assraped everybody, if you hadn't intervened when me and the Nerd were trapped in that simulation, virtual Robotnik would've... man a disturbing amount of these interventions involve assrape in some way. Erm anyway, if you hadn't intervened when I thought I was a Clone Trooper... I would have gone completely fucking insane. Maybe that's a sign that you will also benefit from an intervention."
Hilda stares at you, and though you cannot read her expression, every time you say "assrape", you see something. "Maybe I would, but I do have responsibilities to focus on."
"So do I, but just because"-
"Not now."
... Whenever Hilda interrupts anyone, she's usually bothered by something. "I mean, i-it just occurred to me that we've been through so much shit and we've never had a break and now we have one so maybe..."
"I can't talk about it because if I did, it wouldn't be professional." Hilda says, her breathing slowing down.
"Hilda..."
"If you must know, I've had a long day and I'm... really tired. Do me a favor and just go home."
"Maybe right now what we need to have is an 'unprofessional' talk." You say. "Just off-the-cuff, we get what we need to off our chest."
Hilda's face turns to one of annoyance. "No, I have to"-
"Jesus Christ, you really are a child taking on adult responsibilities." You say as you realize that you are indeed an old-ass fucking person who has befriended a child.
"This... has probably been a lot." You say. "I mean this whole time I've talked to you I kept seeing you as an adult and forgot so many times that you're sixteen and I was 40 and... oh wow when I say it out loud this whole thing just gets more awkward and eye-opening."
You then think about everything, from the weird thoughts that Chudteam revealed to the reactions by Hilda's friends and her mom and at that point, everything just falls right into place for you... and it feels insanely awkward.
"I... feel like right now I should go and take a moment to think about things." You say.
Hilda's expression changes. "... I've lied to my mother about everything."
"What?" You ask.
"She was very concerned- her reaction to a 40-year-old man, even if brutal and overkill, watching her daughter sleep"- Hilda... decides to admit something. "You may be different now, but... I actually am sickened by your presence."
You then think back to your actions and realize that to her, it was a mere two months ago. "I... understand." You say. "Seems like we both have a lot to process and work through..."
"I have felt as though my whole life, everyone is working against me. And the one person I trusted then was revealed to have broken that trust, and I'm angry that if I'd expressed anything at all- hell, I never got the chance to tell you how pissed I was because then I'd have seemed as though an asshole!" Hilda says, blinking.
You just listened to her. Really there was not much you could really say and sometimes, it was more important to just listen.
Hilda sniffled a bit as she wiped her eyes. "I'm tired..." She sighed. "Everyone has been telling me how to be and who to be since I was- I still am young. And then, when I complain, I am belittled and insulted because the complaint I had became irrelevant. And I was blamed"- She realizes what she's talking about.
You continued to listen to her, you knew from this conversation you could probably piece together something but you didn't do that. You instead just held your tongue and just kept listening.
"And what do you think I read?" She asks rhetorically. "What do you think I see? Evasions and excuses." Hilda realizes she should tell her mother this, rather than a stranger; a stranger who turned into someone else in two months.
Hilda Instant Transmissions out of there.
You stare at the book for a few moments. At that point, everything was falling into place.
"Oh Jesus..." You say. "Oh sweet Jesus, oh fucking hell, oh my dear fucking JESUS!" You say. "Now I understand why she trains so hard... goddamn..."
You then slowly make your way out of Hilda's studies.
"I'm a fucking idiot." You say. "Me, a hulking monstrosity of a human is a constant danger to himself and others due to circumstances is wanting to be so buddy-buddy with a sixteen year old girl. I... I really need some time to think."
You felt like you needed to process every little bit of information, and you weren't even sure you could or should.
"I'll... I'll..." You just stop yourself and awkwardly walk off.
END