Based on the song "illicit affairs" by Taylor Swift (from the album "folklore").

This chapter has explicit but brief sex scene between two male characters.

xxx

"Make sure nobody sees you leave," he said. Lupin looked back at him, hand holding the door, and the thin, light smile he had on his lips faded slowly, as he saw Severus slid back into his regular self. It was like seeing an actual transfiguration; the man who was just now inside Lupin's embrace had gone completely, replaced by the dreaded Potions Master. He hesitated far too long before leaving and Snape looked up from the papers he was already organizing. His look was not dangerous, and yet it was so goddamn different from what it had been just moments ago, when Lupin's hand traced the lines of his face.

Lupin swallowed hard and nodded. "Don't worry," he managed to say before leaving, closing the door behind him. The dungeons were as empty as you would expect them to be in the middle of the night, but Lupin covered his head and walked swiftly to one of the passages that would take him to Hogsmead. It was only when he reached the cold streets that he realized he was crying. God, he hated himself. What an idiotic fool he had made of himself — and over Severus fucking Snape. Pathetic. He was going to end this, he thought as he apparated to London; he would never touch Snape again, this was the last time. For good.

Lupin entered Grimmauld Place quietly, making sure he would not wake that horrendous portrait. He was on the second step of the stairs when he was startled by a voice coming from the kitchen, "Moony? You okay?" followed by hushed steps.

"Merlin's beard, Padfoot, what are you doing?" Lupin looked at his friend, uneasy.

"I may ask you the same. You disappeared; I was worried about you and couldn't sleep. Where the hell were you? Why are you flushed like this?"

Lupin looked away. "I was—walking."

"You mean exercising? You don't exercise. It's 2 in the morning, what the fuck is going on?"

"No, not exercising, just—walking. I was nervous, I wanted to think and this house doesn't help."

Sirius looked at him, a brow furrowed. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, I—yes. I'm alright. Don't worry, it's just this whole mess. I can't relax. I'm worried about Harry. I don't like keeping him in the dark like this."

He leaned on the wall and exhaled. Sirius looked down and crossed his arms. "Me neither. I know he's just a kid but he's still, you know, the center of all this." He lifted his eyes to look at Lupin's face. "You should get some sleep. You look awful and we're not even near the full moon."

Lupin let out a bitter laughter. "Yeah, you're right. See you in the morning," and went up the stairs, leaving Sirius with a worried look on his face.

Lupin opened the door to the room his friend had kindly given him, took off his coat and threw it on the chair already piled up with clothes. The bed was messy and cold, and he didn't bother taking off his clothes before throwing himself on it. His head was now throbbing and he hated the fact that he could still smell sandalwood on his hands, while he was absolutely sure there was not even a trace of him in the dungeons, as if he did not even exist or had never set foot there. He pressed his palms against his eyes and cursed under his breath that damned Order meeting and that first glance across the kitchen table.

Remus hated December. Cold sank on his body and reached his bones, making him feel constantly underwater, no matter how warm he dressed. His transformations were always more painful during winter, so he could no longer separate what was dreading the weather and what was just him dreading the full moon.

Order meetings weren't helpful either. He was getting more and more nervous by the day, since the news was never really cheerful. So that evening he was not really thinking when he put on an extra coat, a dark brown wool overcoat — too old, too shabby, too battered, but heavy and therefore sure to make him feel a bit more comfortable. He made his way downstairs hoping this would at least be a short meeting, since he couldn't expect it to be a positive one.

Everyone was already there when he arrived, except for Dumbledore. The only empty chair besides the one awaiting the Headmaster was right across from Snape — and he was definitely not in the mood for Severus Snape that night. Not that he ever was, but he had tried in the past two years, since his year working at Hogwarts, to establish a somewhat friendly (or at least civil) relationship with him. This had failed miserably. Snape's hatred for him seemed to grow every time Lupin tried to be nice to him, and yet he insisted because — well, that was him. Lupin was used to trying to please people and hoping to make them like him. It usually worked; he was a likeable person, after all. But this was a complex mission: Snape was not inclined to like him; on the contrary, he seemed eager for new reasons to despise him. That unnerved Lupin immensely, so he tried harder every time they met, but that evening he was not up for it in the slightest. So he entered the kitchen and went straight to the empty seat, immediately regretting the ridiculous overcoat because when he seated and looked up he noticed two things: first, the fireplace was obviously lit, making his extra clothes unnecessary; and second, Snape was staring at him, his right eyebrow lifted. He stared, and decided not to give in to Snape's mocking eyes. Defiantly looking at him, Lupin took off his overcoat, leaving it on the back of his chair, and lifted the sleeves of his battered sweater. Snape's eyes widened a bit while the overcoat left Lupin's body, then followed Lupin's hands lifting his sleeves and exposing his arms. Lupin watched as Snape blushed a bit and immediately looked away, letting out a small cough to cover what seemed like a choke. Lupin's brow furrowed and he kept staring at Snape, inquiringly, until Dumbledore arrived, changing completely the energy in the room.

He was not even remotely interested in listening to anything anyone had to say that evening, so he just kept glancing at Snape from time to time. What was that look, that blush? Was he really looking at him that way or had Lupin misunderstood something? He watched as Snape got up and cleared his throat to deliver his report on whatever Voldemort was doing now — he couldn't even concentrate on that. He listened to Snape enunciating words but didn't grasp the meaning of any of them. He looked from Snape's eyes to his mouth and to his steady hands folded in front of his body. Snape didn't look at him while reciting his report, not even once. Although Lupin had longed for a short meeting, he didn't even notice it was actually a quite long one. He watched every move Snape made with honest curiosity, and felt as if he was looking at the man for the first time in a long time. When it was over, and Snape moved toward the door, he could not contain himself and said, maybe too loud, "Good evening, Severus" — and even though Snape stopped on his tracks and didn't move for a full 5 seconds, he did not give Lupin an answer.

Lupin woke up the next morning feeling slightly hungover and it took him a few moments to realise why — then he remembered the bottle of wine he had had at the dungeons the previous evening. With the memory of the wine, came the rest: their bodies glued together, their skins brushing, the light and comfortable happiness he had felt until Snape said, "Make sure nobody sees you leave". Deep down, he knew what Severus meant, what — or rather who — he was worried about, but Lupin could not help feeling dismissed and used. He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before managing to get up. He went to the bathroom and washed his face, avoiding the mirror on the wall. He did not need more reasons for self-pity right now.

Looking for a clean sweater and making a mental note to wash the ones on the chair, Lupin heard a quiet tap on the window. It was a brown owl with a note on its foot. He opened the window and grabbed the note before freezing, still shirtless in the January weather. Taking a quick look at the note, he recognized Severus's handwriting, but stuffed it inside his drawer and said outloud, "Not today, Snape, give me a fucking break." He grabbed one of the not-so-clean sweaters, put it on and went downstairs for some coffee.

Even though he thought about the note every second of it, he managed to keep it in his drawer for 5 days and a half. It was on the late afternoon of Friday when he finally gave in and unfolded the small piece of parchment that had "Lupin" scribbled on the outside, but he immediately regretted it.

Woods – Saturday, 11 PM.

-S.

That was it? He turned the paper several times and let out bitter snort. Fucking bastard. He was definitely not going and that asshole could go fuck himself.

Except of course he was going. He himself was a bastard. He knew that. On Saturday evening, wearing a magically warmed sweater, he apparated at Hogsmeade and walked into the Three Broomsticks going straight to the counter, where he ordered a tall mug of butterbeer. He sat on the farthest corner and closed his eyes, cursing at himself for being ridiculously early as always. He really wished he could be less pathetic.

The weird glances happened in three meetings in a row. On those occasions, the routine was pretty much the same, except he was now sitting across Snape on purpose. He really wanted to understand what was happening. Snape kept avoiding his eyes, and if he would normally relish on a break from those mocking stares, now it was bothering him. So he insisted, offered Severus drinks, passed behind his chair to reach his seat, brushed his hand on Snape's arm or shoulder or hand, just to feel that electric discharge and watch how he would react. He would expect for Snape to swear, tell him to stay away from him, but he didn't. Lupin could see confusion flash on his eyes, his face almost bewildered, his look discomforted. From the corner of his eyes, Lupin noticed Snape watching him several times, even though he did not stay more than three seconds looking in his direction. He was used to being stared at, even by Snape, but this was a different look. It was more curious than of contempt, more inquiring than mocking. Lupin could feel the atmosphere of tension building around them, the air more electric each time their eyes crossed.

So Lupin could feel nothing but relieved to be the one sitting in the kitchen by himself that early morning when Severus entered carrying what seemed like a full batch of whatever potion he had made this time. He stopped on his tracks, looking at Lupin with that new look, and then looked away, going straight to the counter where he usually left the potions he brew for the Order. Lupin watched him intently and could not help murmuring, "Good morning, Severus." Snape's hand stopped midway for a split second and then continued setting the small flasks on the counter.

"This is quite early to stop by," Lupin said. "Don't you ever sleep?"

"And you're taking care of my life as you're fast asleep, I suppose."

Lupin smiled. Yes, that was the Snape he knew. "I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I was just now thinking about you, you know."

He saw Snape's body tense as he sped up his rhythm of taking potions out of his bag. Lupin got up and walked to him, stopping behind Snape, watching his every move and the change in his breath.

"What are you doing?" he hissed and turned to Lupin.

Lupin just stayed there, smiling softly and looking at him. He waited for Snape to push him out of his way and leave but he also just stood there, staring at him. Lupin took one small step toward him and saw Snape tense a bit, but he did not retreat. He raised his hand and reached for Snape's shoulder, who received his touch like an electric discharge.

"Don't touch me," he hissed.

Lupin advanced one more step, asking, "What do you want, Severus?"

"I want to you to fucking leave me alone", he threatened but to Lupin tipped his head.

"Are you sure about this? Because my guess is that you are longing for the exact opposite. I think you want me to touch you as much as I can."

Snape just stared at him, his look not threatening as usual, but full of something Lupin would dare say was desire.

"If you really want me to stop, just say the word and I will," he said and waited but Snape just stayed there looking from his eyes to his mouth. He wet his lips and Lupin read this as a green light. Covering the small distance between their bodies, he leaned and slowly reached for Severus' mouth with his. Their lips touched and he felt a lurch on his stomach as he allowed himself not to move, just let the moment sink in. Then Severus moved forward, eagerly searching for him, and he joined, their mouths producing a confused kiss.

Lupin pushed him against the counter as he felt Snape's hand grab his back, pulling him in. Their bodies touched and he pushed his hips against Severus', only then realizing he was hard and – "Holy shit," he thought — Snape was, too. He felt the man's hand run from his back to his neck, pulling him even closer and he felt as if they could merge at any moment.

And then, just as it had started, it stopped. Snape pushed him — surprisingly gently —, ran a hand through his own hair and let out a deep breath, deflecting Lupin and proceeding to the door. He stopped before leaving the room and half looked back, then left. The air smelled like sandalwood. Lupin leaned on the counter, a puzzled look on his face and a delighted smile on his lips as he murmured, "Severus fucking Snape."

Lupin looked at his pocket watch, finished his drink and left the pub, following the path towards Hogwarts. He walked for around 10 minutes before reaching a clearance in the woods, a shortcut to the castle. He felt a bit dizzy from the cold and walked faster so he could get to the warm walls of the school before freezing to the bone.

"I'm here," he heard from his left and jumped, taking out his wand and pointing to — he saw it now — Snape leaning on a tree, his hands up as if surrendered, a mocking air around his mouth, his eyes lit.

"Are you fucking nuts?! Do you want me to hex you?", Lupin spilled, pocketing back his wand.

"Well, that depends, what kind of hex did you have in mind?" Snape replied. "Can you think of a sexy one?"

Lupin dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "There are no sexy hexes and I wouldn't use them on you if there were any."

"Oh I bet you would," Snape mocked, reaching for Lupin's arm and pulling him into the woods. "Let's get out of the road."

"No, let's stay here. I don't want to hide."

"You're a bit wild tonight, do you want to fuck in the middle of the road?" Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not—wild, and I won't fuck you here or anywhere for what matters. This is—wrong, Severus. I'm not doing this anymore."

Snape just glared at him. "What, you're straight now? How did that happen?" and he smiled, still joking and reaching again for Lupin's arm, but he deflected his hand.

Lupin grasped for air.

"I'm not straight, I just don't want to hide anymore. Are you ashamed of me, of us? I know I can't just walk in there, if Umbridge would see me we'd be dead at the spot, but what about the others? What about Grimmauld Place? It could be a safe place for us, we could be together as a—as a couple."

He finished saying his words but his heart had already sank. He saw the change on Severus' face and knew he had said all the wrong things. The old Snape, the one who loomed on Hogwarts corridors, was back. He stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"You should go back to London, it's freezing out here," he said, starting towards the castle.

"I'm not going back, I came all the way here to see you—"

"Well now you're acting like a goddamn kid, what the bloody hell do you want from me, Lupin?" he yelled, turning back.

"Don't call me kid! I'm not—I don't want anything from you, I want you," he pleaded.

"Do you, really? You turned me down just now."

"Severus—" Lupin sighed but Snape interrupted.

"What the hell do you want, Lupin?"

He looked straight into Snape's eyes and his chest ached as he opened his mouth.

"I want you, Severus. But I don't want this," he gestured around them. "I can't hide anymore, I can't do clandestine meetings, and 'meet me in the woods' notes." He breathed and watched Snape attentively but resumed talking again before his courage faded. "I want to share breakfast with you, and hug you when you arrive, and I want to talk to you in public the way we talk when we're alone. I get that we can't have it here, but we could have it somewhere. Sometimes I have this feeling that we share a secret language I can't speak with anyone else and this is not normal, Severus. I want normal."

Snape was still looking at him but he didn't seem angry anymore. He had a furrow in his brow and looked exhausted.

"I don't do normal, Lupin. My apologies for ever leading you to believe that. It was not my intention to—"

"Stop talking like this! You didn't lead me to believe in anything, I'm just stating what I want for us."

"Except there is no 'us'."

"Oh really? Have I been fucking a ghost for the past month?" Lupin mocked. He wanted to hurt Snape, he wanted him to feel at least a fraction of what he was feeling right now. And it seemed to work. Snape gaped at him and tried to say something but Lupin talked over him. "Is it because I'm a werewolf?"

"No—no, don't be stupid—"

"Then what is it about? Are you so afraid of people learning you have feelings? Will that scratch the evil image you have so carefully crafted to make everyone hate you? Are you really this obnoxious and—"

"Lupin, enough! Are you fucking stupid? I'm a fucking spy, what the hell do you want me to do?"

"I want you to allow yourself to feel things!"

"Well I can't! I can't afford that! I'm not allowed to have feelings or good things or people around me. My whole job is lying and this," he pointed at them, "this is already too much but I was weak and I decided so many times I was going to end this but you've made me a godforsaken mess and I thought I could maybe have one, just one thing that I enjoyed and I—" he broke. "I loved being with you but I can't give you more than what I've already given. You're a liability, and this has to die, otherwise you will die."

Lupin's eyes were filled with tears. "This is a war, I'm probably gonna die either way. I don't mind, I'm at peace with it."

Snape snorted. "I'm sure you are. This whole suicidal thing—trust me, I get it. But are you at peace with everyone else dying? Black? The Weasleys? Potter? Because this is what is at stake here."

Lupin didn't know what to say, so he just swallowed hard.

"Yes, that's what I figured," Snape sighed. "I should go back, and so should you. Let's just forget all this, shall we? It shouldn't have started, let's at least do the right thing by ending it before it gets even messier."

Lupin nodded and Snape looked at him one last time and before walking back to the castle, leaving Lupin alone in the woods.

The first time he stepped into Severus' quarters he was expecting a different sight. He somehow expected a messy place, with books all over and potions ingredients on the floor. The books were there, of course—stacking the shelves, piling onto every possible surface, including on the floor near the bed—but there was no sign of potions or cauldrons, just a lingering herbal smell.

"What's wrong?", he heard Severus' voice behind him and turned with a smile.

"Nothing," he answered, pulling Snape towards him and closing the door with his other hand.

He buried his face on Severus' neck and there was the smell again. "This smell — i love it, what is it?"

"Sandalwood. I use lots of it and the smell never wears off," he answered, his hand on the back of Lupin's neck.

"I guess from now on it'll always make me think of you like this." His mouth went up Severus' neck and found his mouth, kissing him furiously. He grasped for air and looked Severus in the eye. "Talk to me. I want to hear your voice."

Snape stared back. "What do you want me to say?"

"Anything," he said, diving back into his neck, sucking on it and making Severus groan.

"Please don't stop. Keep your hands on me—" he grasped for air— "I go mad when you kiss me like this—" Lupin unbuttoned Severus' robes and kissed his way down his stomach. "Shit, Lupin, you're gonna ruin me—" Lupin unbuttoned his pants and pushed his hand inside it. Snape swore as he felt Lupin's hand closing around his cock, pulling it out and slowly covering its tip with his lips. "Fucking shit, you bloody gryffindor—" Severus locked his fingers on Lupin's hair and looked down at the man sucking hard on him. "You really are going to ruin me, aren't you? Fuck—" Lupin took his cock out of his mouth and smiled at him, licking his lips and breathing too close, the hot air giving Severus chills.

"Well I don't know about you, Severus, but for you, and for this—" he tightened his grip before diving back — "I would ruin myself a million little times."