Sanctuary was a success. Technically, speaking. It was also wrung from enemy hands with sweat and blood, and slightly more resolve than Shepard had on hand. She slung one arm around Liara's neck, and they staggered together slowly down the Normandy's catwalk as the ship angled skyward and slipped from the grasp of gravity.
"Need some extra muscle, ladies?" James said from behind, eyeing them both. He grinned at Liara's sharp glare and rolled his shoulders with a little bounce.
Shepard pressed her lips tight and concentrated on walking without tripping. One foot in front of the other, in something like a straight line. Breathing hurt. Hours of running, ducking, shooting, splitting her attention between her team and the enemy.
Move or die.
Fight or die.
Motion, motion.
Muscles in new places ached with each step, and she felt the weight of her body, even as Liara tried with quiet strength to lighten the load. Shepard's ears popped as the pressure in the ship changed.
"Setting course for the mass relay, Commander." Joker's voice filtered across the ship, and she lifted her head briefly to nod at the ambient sound, sure that EDI would see it and relay if needed.
Liara's pace shifted as they rounded the CIC, and Kaidan stepped down from the pedestal. Shepard's belly swooped a little, and a knot in her chest eased at the sight of him-the shape of him. That familiar form moving with economy of motion and the grace of hard-won confidence. He hadn't shaved since she'd left for Horizon. Shepard straightened as he drew closer, pulled her leaden bones into order and loosed her grip across Liara's shoulders. The asari offered her a slight smile, a ghosting twinge of wistful worry, and carefully let her stand on her own. Kaidan's gaze swept over them both, and he and Liara exchanged a look in their Shepard-care language.
"How are the burns?" Kaidan asked, his gaze dropping to the hand Liara held stiff at her side.
"Nothing a night in the Med Bay won't fix." She offered him a wan smile. "Debrief later?"
"Yeah, sure. Chakwas is waiting for you."
With a slow nod, the asari headed toward the nearest door to the rear of the ship. Shepard wavered under her own weary weight watching her go, making sure she made it through the door, and then cut her gaze to the man waiting patiently for her attention.
"Hey," she said.
A look of amusement crossed Kaidan's face. "Hey, Commander."
Normally those words sparked up her spine. Made her skin tingle and ache to be touched. Now, she gazed for a moment into warm, brown eyes slowly filling with concern, and no sensation flickered. Her legs ached. Her arms could barely lift the armor strapped to them. She glanced over Kaidan's shoulder at the elevator with a pull of longing.
"It's… been a long day," she managed, her voice hoarse from screaming commands across the battlefield. From just… screaming.
He lifted an eyebrow at that, and when Shepard shuffled forward in the direction of the elevator, he fell into pace at her side. She didn't stumble, so he didn't have to catch her, but she could tell by the scant distance between them and the arrow of his attention that he would.
Part of her wanted to shove him away-she didn't need coddling.
Part of her wanted to fall, just to be caught. Held weightless for a moment in gentle hands. Safe.
Armor plates clunked against the side of the elevator as Shepard leaned her weight onto the railing. Kaidan mirrored her pose, arms crossed over his chest as the door closed.
"How're you doing?" he asked, once the lock sealed and they were alone.
Shepard glanced at him. "You weren't watching on the comms?"
"I was. But… not what I'm asking."
How am I doing?
Derision crept up Shepard's throat. She took a breath like razors through her chest.
Not good.
The door to the elevator swished open, and Shepard lurched into motion, turning from the question. He wouldn't drop it, she knew that, but looking inward… trying to scrounge a reply… Gun shots and smoke. The ozone smell of biotics. Brain-hatchet banshee screaming. All those people...
How was she doing?
Shepard trudged into her quarters, transfixed by the bed. A promise of sleep. Rest… Her chest burned from need.
"I don't know," she said eventually.
Kaidan moved closer, his footsteps halting a pace away. A ripple of awareness should have flowed across Shepard's shoulders. A hunter's instinct of being watched. A woman's sense of a man's proximity. But all was quiet.
No...
Deadened. Burned out. Buried. Flooded with too much adrenaline for too long, her nerves now felt nothing. She had attention enough to focus on her bed and the ache for sleep, and no more.
No more…
She needed-
She needed…
Escape.
Her gloved fingers moved clumsily to one gauntlet as the urge to be free swarmed over her. Her fingers scrabbled at the plating as she fought the exhaustion for focus. She tugged once. Harder. Frustration gathered behind her eyes. Off, get off! And when the urge to just scream at the thing hit, she froze. Took a slow breath. And lowered her arms to her sides.
"Please get me out of this thing," she whispered, pressing burning eyes shut.
"Turn around." Kaidan's voice rustled the air, a gentle balm.
She did and opened her eyes again when the heat fled. Their eyes met briefly, and Kaidan's gaze dropped. He frowned and motioned with a lift of his chin.
"That's new," he said, and Shepard glanced down at her chestplate. A chunk of it was missing, rimed with blackened char.
"Hurt like fuck, too," she offered.
Kaidan's mouth pressed into a line as he absorbed that and took one gauntlet in hand. Removing a gauntlet was a quick, efficient task if you knew how to do it.
Kaidan did… he just... had other plans.
One finger traced the lip of the plate where he knew the release control wasn't. He drew sliding pressure across the inside of Shepard's elbow, skating the weave. His gaze flicked up when he slid two fingers under the plate and pressed against the controls.
The gauntlet released with a soft click and swung open on its clamshell hinge, leaving Shepard's arm sheathed only in the dark, textured material of the kinetic weave. Kaidan tossed the plating to the floor with barely a glance, his attention instead on stroking up her arm, lifting and easing his fingers back down the underside toward her wrist. With a deft twist, he got his fingers interlaced with the fingers of her glove, squeezed a little, and waited, smiling faintly as Shepard pulled her hand free.
They repeated the pantomime, Kaidan casting curious, quiet glances while Shepard watched her body go through the motions. The air carried the soft shushing of skin on fabric. She could feel him, pressure without heat. Worryingly, without lust. She'd always felt Kaidan's touch in her blood. A rush, a spreading warmth of excitement. A release of tension, a gradual, soft unwinding.
Anticipation.
Joy.
He evoked, always.
And yet Shepard watched the soothing, teasing touches from behind glass. Observing without partaking.
Kaidan touched the damage on the chestplate with a scowl before starting his search for the latches that held the shoulder guards in place. He kept checking Shepard's expression, and she wondered what he saw while she stood dumbly, concentrating on standing.
"You know, whatever it is, you can tell me. It doesn't have to make sense."
Shepard blinked at him. So… close. So right in her space. He kept his attention on the task at hand, giving her what privacy he could to gather her thoughts. And the void in Shepard's chest launched a single salvo. One bright, screaming emotion that flashed through the numbness. She answered without thinking. "I want to go home."
His frown deepened, and he glanced at her. "But, I thought..."
She had no home. Colony raided, destroyed.
Shepard's body shuddered with a sigh and she shook her head, weakly. "That's what it feels like. I just… I want to go home." Her voice cracked on the word, and she felt it stab her throat. How could she explain this pitious, hopeless longing for an idea? For a feeling.
Kaidan's searching hands stopped, and then warm, rough palms settled on her cheeks and their eyes met. The contact sent a shock through her numbed system, and she had no defenses against this. His gaze penetrated, slipped through any meager defense. And she was a child lost in the depths of space, drifting. Slowly spinning. Terrified... suffocating. Alone. Whatever he saw, he saw enough. He let his eyes fall shut and leaned to touch their foreheads together.
"I know what you mean," he whispered, brushing his thumbs across her skin. "You are. Right here."
Shepard swallowed hard and wrapped her fingers around his wrists, anchoring them together.
"With me," he added, hardly necessary.
Her lips quirked into a smile at that. "I know."
Kaidan pulled back enough to study her face. "Did something happen out there?"
And that was the worst part, really.
"No."
Nothing different, nothing dramatic. Nothing that didn't compare to every other mission to save all organic life.
The corner of Kaidan's mouth hitched as he chewed on the inside of his lip thoughtfully. He gave one last caress with the rough pads of his thumbs, then traced his hands down to her shoulders and stepped back.
The sudden absence drained energy from Shepard's body.
"Spin," Kaidan told her. "I hate these Rosenkov latches."
Shepard turned and was faced again with the welcoming sight of her bed. Soft pillows. Slick sheets. The exhaustion pulled at her like heavy gravity, and her attention refocused on her balance and staying upright. She lost track of what Kaidan was doing and started to drift. Suddenly, the weight of her shoulder guards lifted from her frame and she roused to the clattering sound of them hitting the floor in the otherwise silent room.
"Careful," she muttered.
"It's armor."
The shoulder guards had kept the upper cannons locked in place. Without them blocking the way, Kaidan slipped his fingers between the plates and kinetic weave near Shepard's biceps, searching for the release latch. The soft pressure wouldn't activate the weave's defenses, and Shepard felt his fingers slide… slide…
A click.
Another.
And then the casings arounds her arms came free and added to the heap on the floor.
"Is this how they taught you to stand at attention?" Kaidan asked, light chiding in his voice.
That was unfair. The bed was right there…
But Shepard pulled herself out of her slouch, lifted her chin from where it had sunken to her chest. She heard Kaidan make an amused, approving sound that curled warm in her belly and rushed up her neck, as those deadened nerves remembered life. The release for the back plate was inside the collar, and this time Kaidan's fingers brushed against her skin. He lingered, running a finger through the small hairs at the back of her neck. She let out a breath in a sigh, the gentle touch sending frissons down her spine.
And then he found the release buttons on the armor plate and held them in sequence until the plate beeped and let go from the weave.
Chill swept across Shepard's back as the spine supports that magnetically sealed against her body peeled away. She felt the size of the room behind her. Exposed. Unguarded. She fought the urge to turn around and assess the danger by distracting herself with removing the chest plate. Kaidan's gaze pressed heavy against her skin as he set the back plate down on the pile.
One second.
Two.
The release combination beeped, and the chest plate gave way with a click and a soft sigh of the kinetic weave reshaping.
Everything… hurt. Not stabs or burns. The crush of weight. The throb of the bruise on her chest and shoulder. But more… The weight of her own body, too much to bear. She turned when Kaidan gripped her shoulders and turned her. He dropped to one knee, and she straightened again, like a good soldier. Always a good soldier.
Stand.
Stand.
Stand... Against human traitors. The alien politics. The enemy. The fear. The end.
She would stand.
"Shepard?" Concern laced his voice and pierced the fog of her mantra.
She glanced down and tried to lift an eyebrow. Perhaps succeeded.
Kaidan had his hands wrapped around the plating on her leg. "You're shaking," he said. "And I'd like to take weak knees as a compliment, but..." His voice trailed off.
Shepard blinked slowly once and looked at her own leg. She was. Visibly. That wasn't right. Her legs felt like nothing. They felt like-
Don't think about it.
Instinct shoved sensation aside, like it heard a crack in deep ice. But her will had been spun so thin. Stretched so far. And she didn't have the energy anymore.
Her legs trembled harder.
"Shepard, sit down," Kaidan said. "Jeez, before you fall." And she dropped gratefully onto the bed with a groan. His look spoke volumes, but he held his tongue while making quick work of the gaiters that locked her boots on, adding small, stroking gestures as he stripped her free. A thumb across the arch of the foot. A light squeeze on the calf.
Danger haunted those touches. Shepard felt each one sinking a little deeper, stirring something inside. Something locked on the other side of the glass, where memory and gunfire filled every sense with fresh horror. The dead children. Husked humans. Liquified comrades. Days and months and years. Every sight that made her gorge rise. Sorrow that made her lip tremble. All of it caged for later observation. Safe and remote, so long as she could hold it there.
Shepard's spine bowed with exhaustion, and with each of Kaidan's touches, she felt her grip slipping. She stared at his hands, strong, dextrous fingers. He unlatched the casings on her thighs and set them aside, leaving her in nothing but the skintight weave. He knelt in front of her, filling the space between her knees.
His gaze roamed. Found its way to her face. "Do I tell you enough how beautiful you are?"
Shepard smiled automatically, a point of heat piercing her chest. "Never."
"God, so beautiful. More than sunsets." His voice dropped. "More than beer."
Kaidan cupped his hands around her knees, and something shot through Shepard's body. A jolt, and then a flood. She felt the ice crack deep in her pelvis. He pressed his hands up over the tops of her knees, gentle on delicate flesh, and Shepard's throat ached, strung to the tension in her core. Her breath shuddered. She didn't try to stop him, just let him spread strong fingers up the cords of her thighs.
And something… broke.
Thighs to spine to throat, the tension snapped.
Shepard gasped. The glass shattered.
One hand flew up to cage her mouth, like she could trap it all back inside, but the tears came. Hot and sudden, everything collapsed at once. Her ribs ached. A coal lodged in her throat.
"Whoa, whoa..." Kaidan lifted one hand to her face. "Hey…" He looked like he'd kicked a puppy.
Shepard shook her head, while her body wracked. Tears tumbled out.
She felt the pressure of Kaidan's hand on her leg shift as he moved to pull away and slapped her own hand over his, pinning him in place. He glanced down, the muscle in his jaw working, and then very deliberately squeezed on the muscle under his palm. The motion grew to a massaging stroke, and Shepard's breath came out in a long, ragged exhale. Kaidan glanced at her, unsure, but she nodded, and he warmed to his task. Both hands, both thighs. He pressed up with weight on his palms and then dragged his fingers back down.
Pent emotion welled up and spilled out like wrung rags.
She'd known bodies held emotion; she hadn't known where hers had stockpiled it all. After several minutes, as Shepard's breathing evened, Kaidan settled his hands on the outside of her knees and watched her, gauging her state. She sniffled and wiped at the tear tracks on her cheeks. Her ribs hurt but chest felt lighter.
Kaidan dropped his gaze and pulsed his fingers, a small smile crossing his expression. "I'm Spectre Alenko, and these are my favorite thighs in the galaxy," he muttered.
A chuckle burst through Shepard's tight throat. "You're ridiculous." She threaded damp fingers through his hair and felt a warm rush through her heavy legs at the way he leaned into it.
He moved to sit next to her on the bed, somehow never breaking contact. They touched at the hip and thigh, and Shepard snaked an arm around his back. He took her weight easily as she leaned on him and dropped her head onto his shoulder.
"I'm sorry…" she said, the words breathy with a sigh.
"For what?"
His voice was so close, whispered and gentle. His touch, solid. She could feel him breathing. "Breaking the mood."
"We had a mood?"
Shepard riffled her fingers to tickle his side, and he squirmed, bumping her upright.
"Hey!" Kaidan grabbed her fingers and leveled an innocent look her way. "I dunno what you were doing, but I was just helping my CO out of her armor."
"Mmhmm." Shepard stroked a hand up his back and let it come to rest on his shoulder. "You always help your CO out of their armor like that, Major?"
A small smile tugged at his mouth as he shrugged. "Well, they usually don't ask."
The image of a grizzled marine enduring an intimate groping brought an answering smile to Shepard's face along with a huff of amusement. Laughter cost more than she had left. After a moment's silence, Kaidan traced the delicate skin of her lips with his fingertips and drew a line down her throat, stopping at the zipper of the kinetic wave. He lifted one eyebrow and waited.
Shepard felt her skin buzzing, like he'd called up biotics, and tilted her head back.
He drew down the zipper with slow, steady hands, and the thick, stretchy fabric peeled away, releasing its firm grip. The zipper stopped below the navel, and Shepard took a deep, free breath.
"You… want some help out of that, too?" he whispered, breath hot on the shell of her ear.
"I… don't know what I want." Tired. Hollow. The last thing holding her together was the compression of the weave, now loose. Untethered. Heat rushed toward her eyes again, like the livening of a limb.
Kaidan pulled back, brows knit, looking wounded. "Oh, I-" He made space. "Sorry, I- Uh. Sorry. Maybe I should-"
She caught him as he started to stand and pulled him back. "No, that's- Don't go."
He sat and stared at her for a second, then let out a sigh. "Let's try this conversation again."
The longing in her chest pulsed. Home. Safety. Rest. "Don't leave," she managed.
"Yeah, I got that part."
Shepard nodded, a little too much and a little too long, clumsy drunk on exhaustion. With effort, she slithered out of the weave on her own and sat back down on the edge of the bed, nearly bare. She dropped backward onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling until Kaidan leaned into view.
"Sleep like that, you'll smear dirt on the pillows."
"What?"
He rolled his eyes. "Shower, Shepard. C'mon. You'll feel better, I promise. Then you're going to let me put some medi-gel on that." He glanced at the dark purple bruise where her armor made its sacrifice.
"Kaidan…" She sounded plaintive even to herself. It sounded like work. She was already here… Soft… And he wanted- demanded…
She felt the burn of tears building up again and let him see.
"I'm so…" Shepard tapped a fist against her breastbone as she locked gazes with him. His face twisted with sympathy when she let a few more tears spill over. "Tired," she said eventually, hoarse from trying to keep it in, but it was true. A horrible truth unworthy of a legend.
Shepard turned her face aside and squeezed her eyes shut. Let her hands fall limp at her sides.
There was a shush of fabric and a shift of weight, then warm fingers touched her chin, turning her face back.
"No one in the galaxy has earned it more," Kaidan said quietly.
Shepard smiled, and a few more tears slipped out.
"Thanks," she mouthed, not quite finding her voice. Then cleared her throat and looked up at him. "But I'm not done. There's still… so much more."
He nodded and stroked her cheek with one knuckle. "I know. But you are for today."
Kaidan sucked a deep breath as he drew back and stood. His shirt came off in an unhurried reveal. Shepard's gaze skated up tight abs. Muscled chest. He dropped the clothing to the floor, and by the time their eyes met was confident he had her attention. Shepard propped up onto her elbows, heart thudding a little harder as the Major removed boots, belt, down to boxer-briefs.
And then those, too.
He stood naked, silent, letting her gaze roam over every inch. She couldn't take her eyes off him. Dark hair on his forearms. Thick legs. A body not yet aroused. A blush bloomed across his chest and up his neck, and Shepard's gaze followed the color in fascination before realizing just how long she'd been silently admiring.
She offered a quick smile, and he glanced away, embarrassment toying with his expression.
"C'mon," he said, and offered a hand. "You're overdressed." His gaze flicked to her bra and panties, regulation black, and a small grin formed. "Unless you need some assistance there, too."
Shepard sat up slowly and met the challenge in his eyes with a long look before lifting her arms overhead. He huffed, shaking his head, and moved closer. His fingers didn't have to start at her hips, but they did, drawing tickling lines up her sides until he hooked them under the single weave bra and peeled it off.
More freedom. More deadened nerves finding their spark.
She stood, right into his space. Close enough to feel the heat in the cool room. The electric energy of nearness. Barely touching skin. Her legs ached from the effort, but no longer shook. Borrowed strength, she thought.
"Hi."
How could such a small word be so honeyed. She wanted to taste it. Chased it to his lips and searched. Soft. Sweet. She cupped the nape of his neck. Smiled as rough palms smoothed around her waist and up her back in long, easy strokes.
Kaidan broke the kiss first and stepped back. His tongue traced where her lips had been. "Shower," he said, and turned her by the shoulders toward the bathroom.
Cleaned. Dried. Belly scoured empty by the rush and drain of emotion, Shepard fell into bed with a groan. She opened an eyelid as Kaidan's weight dipped the mattress. He hadn't bothered to replace a stitch of clothing. But then, neither had she. It felt scandalous on a ship that could see everything, if it wanted. Stretching out on top of the covers, exposed.
Kaidan rolled onto his side and propped his head with one hand. Damp hair gathered in tendrils.
"How are you feeling?"
Shepard groaned. "Cleaner. Better. But… still exhausted."
"You won today."
"Did I?"
"You made it back. Stopped a madman. Warned the galaxy about that place."
She drew a breath and sighed. Petulance burned hot in her chest for a moment, then sputtered, leaving despair like smoke in her lungs. "There's always more," she said and gathered the effort to shift her body enough to meet Kaidan's gaze. "It's always a fight. Everything. Everywhere. Everyone. It's like walking through mud with mag boots."
He reached out and touched her face, fingers lightly tracing over her cheekbone. Achingly tender...
Behind her eyes flashed scorched planets. Pop! Pop! Rifle fire. Burning flesh. Fathoms… fathoms of water. Alone. Breath. Alone. Crushed. Alone.
She jerked back from the touch that was tearing her open. Wasn't she done with this? Cried already?
"What is it?" Kaidan asked, so earnest.
Screams burrowed in her throat, and she shook her head, denying them air. Transmuted them to silent tears instead until the urge to scream ebbed. She should be stronger than this.
"I don't know how much I have left," she whispered eventually.
Kaidan sighed and went quiet. Disappointment, maybe? That she was going to let them all down? He shifted onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Shepard watched him as her tears went dormant again. The muscle in his jaw worked as he contemplated. What, she couldn't imagine.
"I should have been there," he said eventually.
"At Sanctuary?"
"Fighting the Collectors. Instead-" He shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut. "I was just one more thing you had to fight." His voice cracked a little.
"That's not how it felt."
"No?" He glanced over, doubt written in every line of his face.
"I kept thinking… he's wrong. And I'll prove it." She dropped her gaze to the sheets and brushed her fingers over the slick surface. "Kept me centered. Kept me on the right path."
He shook his head. "You shouldn't have to prove yourself to me. You don't."
Shepard scowled at his scruffy cheek. "I don't need a yes-man. I need an equal."
That got a look and a slow smirk. "Well, let me know when you find him. I'll pack my things."
"Shut up." She shoved his arm, and they both fell silent, listening to the hum of the ship. "You know, I'm… glad… in a way. The things you didn't have to see on that ship, in that base. The… horrors just- Words... can't…" She reached slowly for his face, forcing her burning muscles through the motion. His stubble pressed against her palm, tickling pinpricks of sensation. "It's better that you weren't there."
"Shepard…" He turned into the gesture and kissed the inside of her hand. "We've helped each other through a lot. And I should have been there to help you through that, too."
Shepard shook her head and moved her thumb lazily across his skin, anchoring herself in the feel. "I'll never stop seeing it. Did you… read the report?"
"The human Reaper."
"They took everyone. I almost didn't get them back. Chakwas. Donnelley…"
"What?" He lifted her hand and placed it on his chest as he rolled to face her.
Shepard focused on that. Her fingers splayed, dark hair beneath it. "The Collectors attacked the Normandy while the ground team was away. Took everyone but Joker. It's why he unshackled EDI."
Kaidan's chest rose and fell. His voice went soft. "I've seen Chakwas get this... look on her face…"
"We didn't get there in time." Shepard swallowed and pressed her eyes shut. "We found them in these pods, organic pods. And…" Her face twisted and damn if it wasn't tears again, crawling down her face.
"You don't have to do this."
Burning coals in her throat. A hard swallow. She curled her fingers against Kaidan's chest, and he covered her hand with his own.
"They digested Kelly. Right in front of me. She screamed and then she was goo in a tube." She forced the words out in hard growls. Saw it again, for the thousandth time.
"Shh…" Kaidan rubbed his hand up and down her arm.
"We got the rest out. But…" She shook her head and her composure dissolved for a moment.
Kaidan scooted closer and stroked her cheek, wiping away the tears she didn't have the control to stop. As they ran dry, her breathing hitched, and he lifted her hand from his chest to kiss the backs of her fingers. The blurred shape of him resolved, and Shepard found him watching, eyes red rimmed in sympathetic tears.
"That's what you didn't have to see," she whispered. "What I don't ever want you to see." She freed her hand from his grasp and stroked down his jaw. "Be the one who hasn't."
Kaidan let out a slow, steadying breath and nodded. He let a silence fall, to be filled with the susurrus of skin brushing skin. Gentle, calming touches until they both breathed a little easier. "How would you feel about a vigorous night of being held until you fall asleep?"
Shepard smirked at him. "What about after I fall asleep?"
A smile. "A little bit then, too. At least until my arm goes numb."
Home. Safe. Rest.
Shepard moved into the space he made and drew her leg over his. She stretched an arm across his chest, sapping more of his heat. The heaviness came in a wave from the base of her spine, and for once she didn't fight.
"Love you," she muttered.
Kaidan's lips touched her hairline. "Always."