10,
The number of calls she's shared with her husband before he became her husband. She has a husband now…just not the one she pictured.
It was always him in her fantasies.
9,
The number of texts to him she's written and rewritten and completely gave up on.
Their text thread still lies bare.
8,
The number of times he begged her to go camping with him. Did they not work out because she was adamant about not going?
Was it because she hated it? god knows she tried for his sake.
7,
The number of times he asked her out. After every 'no' he would just sit by her side and carry on. He never pressured her in the beginning. Maybe…
6,
The number of times she's asked herself if agreeing to go on that first date with him earlier would have changed the outcome of their relationship.
Was she only good for the chase?
5,
The number of times they exchanged words that prickled and hurt from the barbed wire they were wrapped in as they spat them and hurt disguised as venomous hate at each other.
4,
The number of times she doubted herself. After Sabie dying and Alex leaving and him and her failing, she doubted herself. To the point of self pity.
Did she do something wrong for all these things to happen back to back?
3,
The number of times she considered apologizing even though she did nothing wrong. The number of times she wanted to do the one thing she despises and lie just for her and he to stop.fighting.please.
2,
The number of times she laid herself emotionally bare for him to see. For him to hear how frightened she is of being alone.
Of being left behind.
Of being isolated like back in school.
It's also the number of times he promised to always be there.
Liar.
1,
The number of times she cried over him. She berated herself and analysed their relationship and tried to find the logical sequence of events that led to an insignificant fight ending what she perceived to be a strong relationship. When none of it worked, she shed so many tears but for one night only.
The next morning, she was done doubting herself.
0,
The amount of times he told her he was leaving Seattle for good.
0, The way to rate their relationship in his eyes it seemed.
0, The amount of times her heart has stopped yearning for him because fuck she still loves him.
She might always will.
Laying all the evidence out in a clear and logical way always helps her think straight and find the root of the problem but for the life of her, Maggie can't seem to find the bomb they stepped on in a minefield that blew everything up. She can't figure out how to make her heart stop hurting because she doesn't understand WHY one minor camping trip led to such pain and-
"Maggie? I should have known I'd find you here." He smiled,
She breathes out one word;
"Jackson?"