Okay. So let's explain my crazy brain lol. This whole series is dedicated to my TSEO Squad: Jen, Taylor, Victoria and Shelby. They got me on twitter after reading my stories and we have been spiraling ever since. I originally had a thought to write ONE story based on a Taylor Swift song. And then talking to them...it's evolved lol. So here I give you the TS EO Playlist.
Each chapter will be based on a Taylor Swift song. Some songs will be split into parts based on how long it is. But each song will be separate from the song before it. We're starting out with "I Almost Do". If you don't know the song...go listen to it. Or read the lyrics as you are reading because each part goes with part of the story. It literally screams EO. From both of their POV's. So this first installment is Elliot's POV from the time he left in season 12 and until right before he comes back. Olivia's POV will be the next chapter and be a bit different. We'll see memories/flashbacks and his time away and what leads him to coming back in the Prodigal Son returns.
I hope you enjoy it. Especially my squad!
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Not the song or the characters. Just two of my favorite things combined into one. Lot's more to come. Still convinced Taylor writes songs for EO. Can't tell me otherwise lol.
I bet this time of night, you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me
Elliot sat in his now empty home in Queens. The last of the boxes had been packed. They were really leaving. It felt so strange...so surreal. It had been a year. A hard year, the hardest year. A year since he stepped foot at SVU. A year since he had seen...her.
Memories of his children running around this house flashed before his eyes. Fights with Kathy. Arguments about all the late nights he worked. The fears she had about his partner. In the beginning, Olivia was there often. For birthdays, celebrations. And slowly over time, she pulled away. He knew why. They all knew why but it was never discussed. So much had been left unsaid. He took his phone from his pocket and opened his missed calls. He scrolled down till he saw her name. She had stopped calling eventually and while in some ways it was a relief, it also broke his heart.
He imagined her sitting in her apartment right now. Looking out at the night sky and wondering where the hell he had gone. Guilt washed over him.
He felt a hand on his back, "Hey, cars packed. We don't want to miss our flight."
Elliot closed his eyes, took a deep breath and turned to his wife. He loved her. He did. And he knew this was the right choice for their family. Kathy had endured so much. Put up with so much crap. Especially in the last year. And yet here she stood. He owed it to her to do this. And he would make her happy. Somehow.
But it didn't mean it didn't hurt. Half of him would stay here. With Olivia. And he knew he'd never be whole again. At least not until he saw her. But would he ever see again? He wouldn' t blame her if she never wanted to see him again. She had every right.
He smiled, leaned in and kissed her, "Yeah. I'll be right there."
Kathy watched him carefully, studying his demeanor. Watching him this last year had been painful. She still didn't even know everything that had happened, but she knew whatever it was was bad. She never imagined him leaving SVU. Never imagined him leaving Olivia. And yet he did. And now...now they were moving to Italy. Halfway across the world. In the beginning she had wondered if he had crossed a line with his partner. A line she had been afraid of for years. Was that what this was?
Even with that wondering, she couldn't hate Olivia. She never could. And part of her was sad. Sad that her children would miss out on Olivia Benson. Especially Eli. He wouldn't know the woman who had helped bring him into this world. She often wondered if she should reach out...try and mend the bridge. But she didn't feel it was her place. Squeezing her husband's arm she smiled, "Okay. Take your time."
Elliot tugged on her hand, pulled her to him and kissed her, "I love you."
She smiled, touched his cheek and whispered, "I love you too."
He watched her walk away, and turned away. Not wanting her to see the anguish on his face. He did love her. He did. She was so good. Better than he deserved. They both were. And that was the damn problem. He took a few more glances around, and was about to walk away when something caught his eye.
Immediately he felt the ache in his heart. Leaning down, he pressed his fingers to the mark on the wall. Just a scribble. Eli had made it on second birthday at his party. He said it was Olivia. He remembered it like it was yesterday.
Elliot was standing in the living room watching his friends and family. Even two years later, he couldn't believe he had another child. It hadn't been part of the plan. For so many reasons...and yet he couldn't imagine life without Eli. He turned, and saw his son sitting with his partner. Olivia. The two of them were adorable together. For a few years before Eli, Olivia had kept her distance. But since Eli had come into the world, she came by when she could. And Kathy always invited her. Because of course neither of them would still be here if it weren't for her. Their savior. His savior. Always.
Olivia was sitting with Eli on the floor, he was coloring in a coloring book she had given him. One of the many presents she brought. She was always spoiling his kids. Watching her, it made his heart ache. She would be the most incredible Mother. And before Eli he had wondered if…
But no. He had to push that thought away. That wasn't going to happen now. It couldn't happen now. Not for her. Not for Kathy. Not for him. It was all such a fucking mess. But he had to take what he could now. Walking over to them, he sat down, his son sat between them.
"Dadda. Look!" Eli pointed to his drawing which was mostly just scribbles on the page but he was so damn proud of himself and it was the cutest thing.
Elliot reached out and ruffled his son's blonde curls, "Good job bud."
Eli beamed at his father, and then got distracted by something behind him. Elliot looked over at Olivia who was watching Eli carefully. He saw such great affection on her face and a hint of...sadness. He swallowed hard and looked away, "Thanks for coming." Olivia looked back over at him, "I know there are a million other things you could be doing on a Saturday off. But...it means a lot-"
"Wouldn't have missed it." Her voice was soft, full of an emotion he couldn't quite pinpoint. "I'm glad Kathy invited me."
Elliot rubbed his knees nervously, it gave him something to do because all he wanted to do was reach for her, "Well we wouldn't be here without you."
Her face flushed and she looked back at the boy, "He's growing fast."
"Too fast." Elliot huffed, "I'll be an old man by the time he's in High School."
Olivia laughed and shook her head, "You'll be just fine Elliot. He's lucky to have you. And Kathy. You're the best parents I know."
His hand reached out tentatively, "Olivia-"
"Oh Eli!" Olivia got up and walked over to the young boy, "Buddy, we only draw on paper. Not walls." She looked back at Elliot with a nervous expression on her face, "Sorry…"
Elliot chuckled and moved towards them, "Wouldn't be the first time. Richie drew a masterpiece on the upstairs bathroom wall that looked a lot like...well...a certain part of the male anatomy in sharpie. Had to paint over that one."
Olivia chuckled and looked down at what Eli had drawn, "Well this one is small...you can probably cover it quickly."
Elliot smiled and looked at his son, "We draw on paper only bud. But what did you make?"
Eli looked at his Dad, "Olivia."
Elliot frowned, and looked at his son, "What?"
Eli pointed at the drawing, "Olivia!" He walked over to Olivia and crawled into her lap, "That's Olivia."
Elliot felt his heart squeeze in his chest when he watched the scene in front of him. He saw Olivia wrap her arms around his son, squeeze him tight and kiss the top of his curls. Thoughts of what could have been raced through his mind. And somehow, he thought she was thinking the same thing. Her eyes were dark, and looked wet. He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at the drawing, "Oh. I see. Definitely resembles Olivia." He heard Olivia laugh, he turned back to them, "No more drawing on the walls though, okay?" Eli nodded against Olivia, "But maybe we can keep this one…"
Eli smiled at his Dad, leaned up and planted a kiss on Olivia's cheek and then ran back to his coloring book. Elliot locked eyes with Olivia and she looked nervously, "Elliot-"
He shook his head, "I can't get rid of my son's first portrait. Especially when it is someone who is so important to him. To me. To all of us."
Olivia looked down at her lap, "El…"
"You will always be a part of this family." His voice was low, filled with emotion and he didn't try and hide it, "You're stuck with us Liv. No matter what happens. You're stuck with us."
She looked back at him, then to the drawing and just smiled. Nothing else needed to be said. Mostly because neither of them could bear to say it…
Tracing his fingers over the scribble, he felt his heart crack. The tears came and he had to wash them away. He lifted his phone, took a picture of the drawing never wanting to forget it. And yet all he could think as he stood up was that God he had failed her. He had failed her so bad in so many ways and he wished she could know just how hard this fucking was…
Walking to the door he opened it and stepped outside. He slammed the door shut and wondered how and why things had gotten so damn fucked up.
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.
He sat at the desk of his new job and felt so damn out of place. He was slowly but surely learning the language but it all felt strange. He couldn't quite let himself feel settled. Like this wasn't permanent. Like he didn't belong here. Looking across at his partner, it all felt wrong. Anthony was nice enough...had a thick accent when he spoke in English that was often hard to decipher. But it just...it wasn't right. It was only the end of the first week and he already wanted to go home.
As he left that night, he wasn't ready to go to his house. He knew that Kathy and Eli would be waiting. Wondering where he was. He said he'd be home early. But he just couldn't face them yet. Not when his mind was thinking nonstop about someone else. Eli had stopped asking about Olivia. And he knew it would only be a matter of time before the young boy forgot who she even was. That part hurt the most. Kahty had talked about her in the beginning, but he always slipped into a terrible mood afterwards. So she took the hint and dropped it.
Now he roamed the city. Everything he saw he thought, she would fucking love this. He could see her roaming the streets, popping into the little shops, getting a cappuccino, devouring a pizza or a plate of pasta, teaching him how to say different words in italian. Her accent, the way she talked with her hands. He saw it all like she was right in front of him. He turned down a small street and tried to take a few deep breaths. He felt like he was about to hyperventilate. He knew the signs. They had been there since that day in the precinct. Kathy tried but she couldn't get through to him. What hurt the most was knowing that Olivia would have been the one to break through the barrier.
But he couldn't do that to her. She deserved so much fucking better. He leaned against the old cobblestone wall. Rested his head against the cool stone. And took some deep breaths. He was so fucking lost without her. But who was she with now? Who had taken his place at work? Who had taken his place in her heart? He thought back to one late night at the precinct after a long week. Much like this long week.
He threw his pen down on the desk, he was finally done with paperwork. He felt like he hadn't slept in days. And he realized...he hadn't. Sometimes he wondered why the hell he still did this job. Looking up, he saw her and he remembered why.
She rolled her neck back and forth, "I feel like I aged ten years this week."
Elliot chuckled and stretched, "You and me both."
"Good. Then you'll still be older than me." She stood up and leaned back, "I need some air."
Elliot smiled and stood up, "To the roof?"
She nodded and grabbed her coat, "To the roof."
They walked together in silence. They were both exhausted. But even without words, they understood each other. They always did. They rode the elevator up as high as they could, then took the stairs. He opened the door for them, held out his arm for her to go first which earned him a smile, "Who says chivalry is dead?"
He smirked, and followed her, remembering to prop the door open with the brick they kept up there. He couldn't help but think...if he ever got stuck up on a roof, she would be the only person he would want to be with. But...he had to push that thought away. He couldn't think of that. Not today. Not ever.
He saw her leaning over the edge, looking out at the city and he wanted to keep this picture in his mind forever. He heard her sigh, and leaned her head back, "I can't imagine living anywhere else."
Elliot smirked and leaned against the wall, "I could see you somewhere in Europe. Checking into your favorite little cafe each morning, sipping wine on a terrace at night."
She laughed, "You could?"
He shrugged and leaned against the wall, "Yeah. I mean maybe not forever? But I could see it. A nice change of pace for you."
She turned, leaned against the wall and let her hands run along the cement wall behind ehr, "Maybe. But my heart will always be here in New York City. As much as it's loud, and dirty and a mess...it's also just...home. Always home." She looked up at the stars in the sky, "This is where I belong."
Elliot watched her, and not for the first time he fought the urge to pull her to him and kiss her. To bare his soul. To tell her all the things he wanted to tell her but couldn't. So instead he just smiled and looked out at the city, "You're right. It's home."
She looked at him, could see something brewing under the surface. She knew him so damn well. Too well some might say. IAB, the Chief, Cragen, they all said they were too close. Kathy probably felt the same thing. She felt guilt wash over her. But she couldn't help it. She'd tried to leave. But she always wound up right back here.
"Hey El?" He turned towards her and she shrugged, "You okay?"
He smirked and looked down at his hands, "How do you always know?"
She reached out, touched his arm gently and they both felt the spark. It was the reason they tried to keep the touching to a minimum but sometimes it couldn't be helped. Right now was one of those moments. She shrugged and smiled softly, "Because I know you. Being partners as long as we have been...I know you El. I've seen you at your best and your worst."
He smiled at her and shook his head, "And for some reason...you're still here."
She squeezed his arm again and whispered "And I always will be."
He wanted to say something, wanted to let her know just how much that meant. But as usual, the words died in his throat. It was all in his mind. All right there. But he couldn't do it. He could never do it. So he swallowed it down, pushed it away to that part of his brain that he hid all his memories, all his emotions, his feelings and wants that were wrapped in her and he smiled, "I'm fine Liv. Just...tired. It never gets easier."
She sighed, turned towards the city landscape and nodded, "No. It doesn't. But someone's gotta do it, right?"
"Right." He smiled, "At least we don't have to do it alone."
She looked at him again and smiled, "Partners for life."
"Partner's for life." He nudged her with his shoulder and then they stood there. In the quiet. Together. Always, together.
He slammed his hand into the stone wall again and cursed himself. Now she was alone. And he was alone. And was it worth it? Or maybe she'd replaced him. Maybe her new partner was better than him. Maybe her new partner didn't disappoint her over and over again. And maybe she had finally let him go. Given up. He never would, never could. She'd just be there. In his brain. In his heart. Not even a year and a half apart and moving across an ocean could separate her from him.
His phone rang then. And for a moment he wished he could see her name on the screen. But then he remembered he got a new phone. He kept the old one. Buried away in his top drawer. He wondered if Kathy knew it was there. Every so often he turned it on. Read old text messages or listen to an old voicemail. Never the ones she left after he abandoned her. He couldn't handle those. But an old one when she'd be giving him info on a case, telling him to meet her somewhere. And he'd let himself think he was about to actually meet her in those places...that he'd see her. That they'd be working together like nothing had changed. And for those brief few minutes, everything felt right. Of course it always came crashing down again and he'd remembered it was his own damn fault.
Kathy's name flashed on the screen and he took a deep breath. He loved his wife. She was a good woman. The Mother of his children. He loved Italy. It was beautiful. But this wasn't home. Home was back in New York where his heart still was. With someone else. And always would be…
Lifting the phone to his ear he said, "Hey. I'm on my way home. Sorry...I lost track of time." He listened to her say something and he whispered, "I love you too. See you soon."
He slipped the phone back in his pocket, walked down the alley and looked down at the ground. If he looked up, he'd see her again. Everywhere. Just like he always did.
I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you
And risk another goodbye.
Five Years Gone.
Elliot sat on the balcony of his home in Rome overlooking the city. It was late. The city was lit up by the stars and the buildings. And of course even after all this time he thought about New York. Rome was a big city and he did love it here but...it was missing something. Missing someone. It wasn't home. And he knew it never would be. Even after all these years...it would never be home. He lifted the glass to his lips, took a sip of the wine and thought...God she'd love it here.
He looked down at his phone again. It was just past midnight which meant it was officially December 13th. Her birthday. She hated her birthday. It took him years to even figure out when her Birthday was. He had tried to get Cragen to tell him that first year but his boss had told him that if Olivia didn't want him to know it was her personal business. He only figured it out finally when he went to grab her wallet to pay the delivery man and her license fell out. December 13th. Well after that of course he had used that information. And that first time he did, she was pissed. So pissed. At least at first...and then over time she had softened.
He ran his thumb over the side of his phone and fought the urge to call her. He did this more often than he could count. But if he called her, he'd fall apart. He knew he would. Just the sound of her voice would kill him. It was why he hadn't called her back when he first left or even listened to her voice mails. He had tried once early on to listen. But she barely got the first word out and he had gone into a rage. He'd been unhinged. Kathy had taken Eli out of the house and left him there. He broke a lamp. Screamed. And then afterwards he had cried and it took all his fucking strength not to call her back and beg her to come to him. And he knew she would have. But he couldn't do that to her. Just like he couldn't do it to her now.
He wondered if she even had the same number. He knew it by heart. If he called and she answered, he wasn't even sure what he would say. He'd probably sit there like an idiot listening to her say hello a few times before giving up and hanging up. Or maybe she'd know it was him. And she'd start yelling and he'd take it because he fucking deserved it. He had abandoned her. The one thing he promised he'd never do. The one thing so many others had done. He wanted to believe he was different. Wanted to believe he was better than those people. And maybe at one point in time he had been. But now? Now he was the worst of all of them. Because she had trusted him and he'd broken that trust.
Five years. Five damn years apart from her. And yet he still remembered it all like it was yesterday. It was like his life had stopped when he left. Like he was moving in slow motion. Stuck in quicksand. Always grasping for something he couldn't reach. Something far away he could never have. He put the phone down again and reached for his glass to take another sip of his wine. He sighed and whispered, "Happy Birthday Liv."
It was a moment before he realized he wasn't alone. He wanted to cringe but he didn't move. Kathy sat down beside him and looked out at the city, "I thought about sending her a card...I have thought about it often. But I wasn't sure…" He didn't respond, didn't even look at her and she smiled, "You could call her you know. It's okay-"
"Kathy…" He looked at her and smiled, "My life is here now. Her life is there. It's okay."
She smiled sadly at him and whispered, "You know...I miss her. Which sounds crazy but I do. I've even thought of asking the kids to check on her. To see if..." She sighed, shook her head and stood up, leaning down she kissed the top of his head and whispered, "I know you miss her too."
She walked away then, leaving him alone again. Guilt. So much guilt. The pain he had caused both of them, still was causing. He wished he was stronger. Sometimes he thought he should have left Kathy too. Left both of them. Let them be better off without him. But he was a selfish man and he had made a choice. Was it the right one? He wasn't sure. At least not sure if it was what his heart wanted. But it was the right choice for his wife and his family. And that's just what he had to do.
He took another sip of his wine and thought back to her last birthday before he left…
As usual, he had to drag her out. She had dug her heels into the ground, literally and figuratively. Fin and Munch had not been able to join them but they had brought her a cake at work. And truthfully, he didn't mind it just being them. He'd take all the one on one time he could get. And on her Birthday, he wanted it to be extra special. Once he finally got her to walk with him, he got her in the car and drove them to her favorite restaurant.
It was late and the place was mostly empty. Olivia sat across from him, her chin resting in her hands as she looked out at the city through the window. It was snowing. Her face would have been hard to read for most. But he knew what she was thinking. What she was feeling. He always did. Especially today.
"So...another year older." He slid her wine closer to her, "How's it feel?"
She turned, shot him a look and she laughed, "Gee, thanks for reminding me. As if I didn't hate my birthday enough. Now I have to remember I really am old and I have nothing to show for it."
He sighed, rested his arms on the table and leaned in, "Liv, that's not true. You know that's not true."
She ran her finger along the rim of the glass and shrugged, "Do I?"
He was quiet and wished he could make her see how wonderful she truly was, "Liv, you have no idea how many people you help each day. How many lives you've saved. The impact you make...it's something that can't be replicated, can't be forgotten."
He saw her face flush and looked down, "El…"
He reached across the table, ignored that unspoken role of no touching and squeezed her hand in his, "I know you don't believe this. For so many reasons. But Olivia…" She lifted her head to look at him and he smiled sincerely, "Your life matters. You were brought into this world to do exactly what you're doing."
He saw the unshed tears and watched her bite her lip, "Elliot…"
He squeezed her hand again, "I'm damn glad you were born Liv. You make my life better. I hope you know that."
She cleared her throat and put her hand over his, "Well damn Stabler...12 years as partners and friends and you just shocked the hell out of me."
He smiled and squeezed her hand again, "Gotta keep you on your toes. But I meant it. Your birthday is something to celebrate. Even if you don't think it is. And I'll always make sure you get to celebrate."
The waitress came then with a small cake with a candle and Olivia gasped, "Elliot, I hate you."
He chuckled as the waitress put it down in front of her, "Don't worry. I told her that
we couldn't sing. But I at least needed to make sure you got your chocolate fix."
She pulled her hand away reluctantly but needing a little space, "You know I love my chocolate."
He smiled and leaned back on his chair, "Of course. Make a wish."
She had looked right up at him, and they stayed frozen like that. Then, she closed her eyes, pulled her back away from her face, leaned in and blew out the candle. "What'd you wish for?"
Olivia smiled, took out the candle and licked the frosting off of it, "If I tell you...it won't come true. So I'll keep my little secret."
She had winked at him then and handed him a fork and it was one of those damn moments again that he fought the urge to lean across the table and kiss her. And selfishly he wondered...was that her wish? Did she want it as much as he did? He pushed the thought aside, dug his fork into the cake and smiled, "Happy Birthday Olivia."
He drained the last of his wine, stood up and looked out at the empty city. He looked at the stars in the sky and found the moon. He watched it and for the first time he felt comfort thinking it was the same moon she saw every night. Something that kept them connected even after all this time. "I hope you got your wish Olivia…"
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.
7 Years Gone…
He walked through the winery listening to the conversations around him. All the kids were here. It wasn't often they could all visit but they had found time this summer to come and it felt good to have them all in one place. Kathy was walking ahead with the twins, Maureen and Eli. Kathleen was walking beside her Father. Out of the five of his children, she seemed to know him best. Always reading him like a book. While it unnerved him, it also made him smile.
"I can't believe how big Eli is." Kathleen said from beside him.
Elliot smiled at his oldest son who was growing like a weed, "Your Mom keeps having to buy new clothes."
"All soccer outfits I see. He's obsessed." She said with a laugh.
"That's football to you." He said pointing at her, "Remember you're in Italy."
She rolled her eyes and nudged him, "Right. I'm not in New York anymore."
Elliot smiled, "No. You aren't. At least not for the next two weeks." She was quiet as she walked beside him, but he could tell she was thinking hard about something, "Kathleen?"
She smiled sadly, "You think you guys will ever come back?" She saw his face flush, "I mean...I'm not trying to make you feel guilty and I know you love it here. But...will you ever come back?"
Elliot shoved his hands in his pocket and walked ahead, unable to look at her, "I'm not sure." She didn't respond and he felt another wave of guilt. He had abandoned them in some small way too. And out of all of his kids...he worried about Kathleen the most, "I'm sorry-"
"Don't be. I was just curious. Mom seems really happy here." She smiled at her Mother and Eli ahead of her, "Eli too. He's a European kinda kid now. He has a much different life than we did." She looked at him quickly, "And I don't mean that in a bad way."
"It's a very different world. That's for sure. For a lot of reasons." He frowned, "I should have been there more. It was all...I made mistakes. And I'm sorry. And now I'm away but...you know I love you. Right? All of you?"
She looped her arm with his and smiled, "I know Dad. I know."
He watched her out of the corner of his eye as they walked, "How...how have you been kid?"
She squeezed his arm and knew what he was really asking, "I'm doing good Dad. I'm good. Good days and bad days but today's a good day."
His heart ached thinking about how she struggled. He remembered those early days when it all unraveled and how scary it had all been. For all of them. "And on the bad days? How do you cope?"
She shrugged, "I have different ways. Sometimes Mo or Lizzie come by. I call Mom. Dickie keeps me laughing. And sometimes…"
Something in her voice made him stand up a little straighter, "Sometimes?"
He saw her cheeks flush and worry crossed her face as she spoke, "Sometimes...I visit someone else. And she helps. She always helps."
Elliot felt his heart start pounding. She didn't have to say her name. He knew exactly who she was talking about and as much as it hurt, it also gave him comfort. Of course she was there. He should have known she would be. She always was. And so maybe...maybe she still wondered about him. Maybe she still cared…
He cleared his throat, "How...how is she?"
Kathleen stopped, looked at him and wanted to say so much. But she couldn't. Because Olivia asked her not to. And also because she felt that her Father probably couldn't handle it. So she smiled and squeezed his arm, "She's Olivia. She's just...Olivia."
He smiled and looked down, understanding what she was saying. Olivia was the strongest woman he had known. Strongest person. No matter what life threw at her she made it work. "I'm glad...that you still have a relationship with her. She cares about you very much."
Kathleen looked right at him, "She cares about you too."
He cleared his throat again and started to walk and she fell into step beside him. And he thought back to when this all unraveled. When Kathleen had to go to jail. And Olivia was there. Because Olivia was always there.
He was pacing in the living room of his house. Kathy was upstairs, she had cried herself to sleep and they were barely speaking. His mind was stuck in the hospital hallway watching Olivia walk away with Kathleen and the other officers. He didn't recognize his daughter. She had a look in her eyes that scared him to death. He didn't seem to be able to reach her. He wanted to throw something, and he was about too when he heard a knock on the door. He turned quickly, ran to the front of the house and yanked it open, "Liv…"
She smiled and stepped in beside him, "Hey. You okay?"
He let out a shaky breath, "No. I'm not. I'm falling apart here. Is she...was she…"
"She's okay. I stayed as long as I could...even after. But they finally made me leave. I made sure her roommate was at least someone...not terrifying. She's only there for theft."
Elliot dug his palms into his eyes, "Christ. This can't be happening."
She put her hand on his arm, "Breathe El. Breathe. I'm going to go back in the morning and check in. I know one of the guards. He's going to keep an eye on her too. He said he'd call me if anything seemed out of the ordinary. He's got the Doctor on staff monitoring her too. She's still refusing meds but they'll do what they can."
Elliot looked right at her and he felt the dam beginning to break, "Why is this happening?"
She smiled sadly, "I don't know El. But we're going to figure it out. I'm here. No matter what happens. I'll help in any way I can. But you gotta try and keep it together. For Kathleen...and Kathy. Okay?"
He looked at the stairs, "Kathy hates me. She's furious."
"She's worried. Like you are. Your daughter is sick...you're both scared. It's okay." She rubbed his arm gently, "It's okay. But you need to talk to her…""I don't know how." He whispered, "She's my wife and I don't know how to…" He looked at Olivia and whispered "She doesn't know how this can play out. Doesn't know the risks and what it could mean."
Olivia nodded slowly, 'But I do." He looked sad yet grateful, "So you lean on me. Alright? Lean on me El. I know you like to be the tough guy and you think you don't need to ask for help. But this time...this time you do. You know I love your kids. I'm right here. Don't push me away. No matter what happens...I'll always look out for them."
Elliot swallowed hard and didn't hesitate. He reached for her. Needing to feel his anchor. Pulling her up against him, he wrapped his arms around her, "I don't deserve you."
She closed her eyes tight, held him close, something that had only happened once before this. When Eli was born and she never dreamed it would again. "We're partners El. For better or worse. Right now is worse. But I'm right here. It will be okay."
And for the first time since all of this started, he was finally believing what she was saying. Somehow it would be okay. With her...it always was.
Snapping back to the present, he pulled Kathleen closer. He was so glad to have her here. And for a moment, it made him feel like Olivia was here too. Right beside him. Knowing his daughter had seen her in the last 7 years did something to him. Stirred up so many emotions he had been trying to suppress but hadn't been able too. Even after all this time he missed her like crazy and was still so fucking grateful to have met her. Even if he never saw her again…
"I'm glad you don't have to do it alone." He whispered to her. "That you have someone you trust…"
She leaned against him and whispered, "You know...you don't have to do it all alone either Dad. I hope you know that. Even now."
He looked down at her as they walked, then back up at Kathy and the rest of the kids. Kathy was looking back at them, watching carefully and he wondered if Kathy knew that Kathleen still saw Olivia. He thought she might and he was more than sure it probably brought her comfort too. How was it possible to love two women like this? He smiled at his wife, and then pulled his daughter along with him, "Yeah. Maybe."
Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.
It's probably better off this way.
And I confess, babe,
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I wanna try again with you.
And I almost do.
9 years gone
Elliot was in bed, but he was tossing and turning. Every so often he had these dreams. He thought overtime they would stop. But lately they seemed to be getting worse and more frequent. 9 years without her and he still saw her right there each time he closed his eyes. Tonight the dreams were blending together into little snapshots of things he wanted, things he longed for, things he feared. All of them involving her.
He was standing outside the precinct, just staring up at it. It had been so long. So damn long. And yet it felt like it was just yesterday he was up there holding his gun and Jenna was…
He pushed the thought away, looked down at the ground and wondered if he was ever going to have courage to even move. And then...then he heard her. "Elliot?"
Time stood still for a moment and he felt like he was going to faint. He closed his eyes, lifted his head and looked up at her for the first time in almost a decade. And she was so fucking beautiful. "Hi."
She didn't move towards him, and he didn't blame her, "What the hell are you doing here?"
Her voice was laced with anger, with pain, with surprise and he shouldn't have been shocked. "I uh...I was in town. Visiting the kids."
She wrapped her coat around her tighter, "Your kids aren't...they wouldn't be here…" He saw her hands shaking and she turned, "Goodbye Elliot."
She was walking away from him and it took him a few moments before he was even able to move. But then he was running after her, "Liv wait-"
"Don't call me that." She whipped around so fast he stumbled back, "Don't you dare call me that. You don't get to call me that right now. Not ever again."
He put his hands up and nodded, "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I hear you."
She lifted her hand and ran it through her dark hair, "Jesus...after all this time. Really? Really? I can't even believe you would just show up here like this. What did you expect me to say?"
He frowned and looked down,"I don't know. Nothing really. To be honest...I expected you to hit me or even whip out your gun."
Through gritted teeth she whispered, "I haven't ruled out either option just yet."
He had to smile, even now she was still Olivia. His Olivia, "I wouldn't blame you…"
She swallowed hard and looked down, "I want to...I want to hit you so bad. I want to scream at you to make you feel…" She looked away, "And yet I just want to hug you and tell you how badly I fucking missed you."
He stepped closer to her then, "Olivia, you have no idea how much I missed you. No idea."
She looked at him sadly then saw a cab coming towards her, she put out her hand and whispered, "Yeah well. I was here El. I was always right here. And you just never came back…" She opened the cab door, "And now I have a life. Without you. So please...go back to wherever it was you came from. And leave me alone. Because I can't...I can't do this anymore."
And then she was gone.
In their bed, Kathy watched him tossing and turning and knew better than to reach for him. Knew better than to try and wake him up. He was calling her name again and he sounded so anguished. And even though she was the woman beside him, it still hurt all the same.
As he slept, another dream washed over him. A dream of what he wished could happen but knew never would.
He stood in front of her, waiting. Waiting. Always waiting. And she stared at him, with those brown eyes. Those eyes that had haunted him all these years. They had yelled, screamed and pushed each other to the point of no return.
He took a deep breath before whispering, "I know...I know I don't deserve a second chance. I deserve your anger, your fury, I deserve it all and more. But I'm here Olivia. I'm here now and if it takes the rest of my life I want to try and make it up to you. Please...please don't push me away."
He saw the tears pouring from her eyes, those beautiful eyes. She turned then, paced around the room. Mumbled something to herself. He saw her fighting some sort of internal battle. Saw her trying to stay strong. He was expecting the fall out again. Expecting her to open the door and kick him out and God she should. She should. He was about to turn and walk out for her, make it easier for her. But then she was reaching for him. Pulling her back to him.
His blue eyes searched hers and his breath caught in his throat as she leaned up and touched his face with her hand, "I should hate you. And I do. I do but damn it...I love you. I hate that I love you but I've always loved you. Please don't leave me again."
He sighed, pulled her all the way against him and wrapped his arms around her, "I will
never leave you again. Never. I'm here Olivia. I'm here. Right where I should be. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
She wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed, "My God I missed you."
He called to her, tossing harder, the sheets around him drenched in sweat. And still a new dream came. The worst one yet…
The cab sped up and slid to a halt outside the hospital. He flung himself from the backseat, heard the driver yelling at him to pay but he didn't care. He ran. Ran hard. He could hear his feet slamming against the pavement. The automatic doors flew open and he was pushing past people to get where he needed to be. He slid down the hallway, and then he saw them. Fin, John and Cragen.
When they turned to look at him, Fin was covered in blood and his heart sank. His knees buckled and he fell forward, "What-"
"What are you doing here?" Cragen asked.
He swallowed hard, "I...I heard about...where is she?"
"She's in surgery." John said, his face was pale, "And it's not good."
Elliot walked closer to the, his eyes roamed over the blood on Fin, "Is that-"
"She was shot. Multiple times." Fin said in a shocked tone, "No one was there to protect her...she was alone."
No one was there to protect her. She was alone. He should have been there. He could have protected her. He had promised to always protect her. Promised to always have her back. And he had abandoned her. He had left her alone. He had left her unprotected. And now all these years later he hadn't seen her...and now what if he never got the chance to apologize? To say all the things he had never told her? To make up for all the lost time?
He started to walk past them, "I need to see her."
Cragen grabbed his arm, "Elliot, she's on the operating table. You can't." Elliot turned towards him, "And to be honest...when she wakes up I'm not sure she will want to see you."
That felt like a sucker punch to the gut. But he knew it was true. He had no right to be here. After everything he had done, he had absolutely no right. But he couldn't turn away. Couldn't leave. He had to see her. He had to explain. To apologize. To tell her-
"Captain Cragen?" All heads turned towards the Doctor walking towards them.
The four of them stepped up to the man, and the look on his face was starrling, "Yes."
The doctor took the cap off his head, "I...I'm so sorry."
Elliot reached out for the wall beside him, "No."
"We did everything we could. But the damage was to severe. She coded on the table...and...I'm so sorry." He looked at the four of them, "I'm so sorry."
Fin turned away. John sat down hard on the chair to his left. Cragen took a deep breath ready to say something but Elliot moved. And he knew what he was doing. Cragen grabbed him, "Elliot."
"She's not dead." Elliot was pulling hard, "She's not dead! You son of a bitch she's not dead!"
John was there, pulling him back with him Cragen, "Elliot."
"NO!" His knees gave out and he was falling, "I need to talk to her! I need to tell her-""Elliot…" Cragen pulled him back tighter, "You're too late. It's too late…"
He bolted up right on the bed, drenched in sweat. "Olivia!"
His heart was hammering in his chest, he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. He was tangled in the sheets. Tossing them to the side he fell out of the bed, and hit the floor hard. He was dry heaving. Felt the bile rising in his throat. He couldn't breathe. Everything was spinning. He felt a hand on his arm and he shook it off, "No!"
Kathy bit hard on her lip and stood up, "Elliot...breathe."
He fell backwards and leaned against the side of the bed, "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
She knelt down in front of him, "Elliot...calm down. It's okay. Everything is okay."
He covered his face with his hands and shook his head, "No. It's not. And it hasn't been...I-" He looked then at his wife and saw the sadness, "Kathy...I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
She smiled sadly and stepped away from him, "I know Elliot. I know."
He took a few breaths, stood up and reached for his phone. On shaky legs he walked out of their bedroom. He couldn't be beside her. Not right now. Those fucking dreams...even after all this time. He couldn't imagine a world without Olivia Benson. Even 9 years since he had seen her. Half the time what kept him going was knowing she was out there...somewhere. He had to believe he'd see her again. Had to believe even if she yelled at him, he'd see her one more time. But what if he didn't get that chance? What if he waited too damn long and she…
He lifted the phone and started to dial the number, not even knowing if it was still hers. He was just about to press send when he heard someone talking to him.
"Dad?" Elliot looked up and saw Eli standing in the doorway of his bedroom, looking worried. He must have heard him screaming in his sleep, "Is everything okay?"
Elliot looked down at his phone again and he knew he couldn't make the call. For so many reasons he couldn't make the call. Not after all this time. He didn't have the right.
Elliot let out a shaky breath, "Yeah...everything is fine Eli. I'm sorry if I woke you. Bad dream."
Eli stared back at him and all he could think of was the young boy that Olivia knew. The young boy that she had helped bring into this world. The young boy who had drawn a picture of her on the wall of their house in Queens. The picture of it was still stored in his old phone and from time to time he looked at it. Now he was a teenager. She had missed so much not intentionally. And Eli didn't even know who she was… Would he ever?
Eli nodded slowly, "Okay…"
He walked over to his son, put a hand on his shoulder and smiled, taking in his appearance, "Go back to sleep." He dropped a kiss to the top of his head, "Everything's fine."
Eli waited a minute, then turned and walked back into his room and shut the door. Elliot looked down at the phone and sighed, could he ever apologize to all of them for all of it? And would it ever stop hurting?
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.
10 years gone
Elliot sat at the table with Kathy and Eli eating. He had been able to leave work early and was actually enjoying a meal with them for once. He was listening to his wife and Eli talk about something from school when his phone rang. He gave his wife an apologetic look and stood up, he didn't bother to look at the number. "Stabler."
There was a silence on the other end of the phone for a minute and he was about to hang up, "Hi. It's uh...it's Fin."
Elliot stood up straighter and he felt Kathy looking at him. He turned quickly and walked out to the balcony. "Fin?"
"Hi. I know...been a long time." He heard the familiar sounds of the city behind his old friend and it made him long to go back.
"How...how did you get this number?" He asked curiously.
"Kathleen...she came by to give something to Olivia the other day and I took the opportunity to ask her. She was surprised. I hope you don't get mad at her for giving to me. But once she heard my reasoning, she understood." He whispered.
"I'm not mad...just surprised myself." He looked through the window to see Kathy still watching him, "Is everything okay? Is...is Kathleen?"
"No, she's fine." Fin whispered, "She's doing great. I'm sure you're proud."
He let out a little sigh of relief and then another thought struck him, "Olivia...is she-"
"She's fine too." Fin said quickly, "No one's sick. No one's hurt. I just...I called to ask for a favor. Not sure how it will go over with either of you...but it feels important."
Elliot leaned against the balcony and closed his eyes, just grateful to know she was alright. "A favor? What kind of favor?"
He heard Fin take a deep breath, "I don't know if you know this...but she's Captain now."
Pride washed over him. Captain. Captain Benson. God, no one deserved it more. "Wow. No. I didn't know that. That's...that's incredible. I'm not surprised of course. No one deserves it more than her."
"Yeah well...she always thought it would be you. Not her." Fin said, "As happy as she was to be honored...I know she was thinking it should have been you. Not that she doesn't deserve it because lord knows she does. But...it's still there. It's all still there."
He was quiet and let the words wash over him, "No. It should be hers. It should always have been hers. She was the better of the two of us. Always. I hope she knows that. Will you tell her that for me?"
"Why don't you tell her yourself?" Fin asked with a hopeful voice, "That's why I'm calling."
His heart started pounding hard in his chest, "Fin-"
"Ten years is a long time. And a lot has happened...things I can't begin to explain. And she may hate me for doing this but." Fin took a deep breath, "She's being honored. NYPD's Women in Law Enforcement. There's going to be a big ceremony. Some of us are giving speeches. And I just...I think it would mean the world to her if you were there." Elliot didn't respond and he pushed on, "I won't pretend she's not...hurt. That she's not angry. That I'm not angry but it's been long enough. Don't you think? I've had her back and I always will. But she deserves...to know that you cared. She thinks she meant nothing to you. And I know that's not true. This is an honor for her...and I'm asking you to put aside your pride or your fears and just do right by her. Even if it's just this moment and you never see each other again. I'm asking you to do this. For her."
Elliot thought about what he was saying. She thought he didn't care. That she meant nothing to him. Little did she know she meant everything. Even ten years later. And that was why he had left. "When is it?"
"It's about 5 weeks away." He whispered, "I can text you the exact date. I just...wanted to call first. See if it was even a possibility to get you here. I mean I know you have a life but-"
"But she deserves more. She always did." He curled his fingers around the lip of the balcony wall, "Fin I didn't...I always meant to-"
"I know." He whispered, "I know. But it is what it is. Now you have the chance to make it right. Or at least try. Will you come?"
Elliot let out a shaky breath, "I'll...I'll come. I mean I'll have to talk to-" He looked back at his family again, "But I'm sure…" He cringed then, "I'm not sure though...about the whole speech thing. That's not really my thing. And honestly...me walking up there after ten years she might shoot me."
He heard Fin laugh, "Yeah. She probably will. Which is why you should call her first. Her number's still the same…"
He knew that Fin knew he still had it memorized. "Fin-"
"A lot of things have changed. A lot. She's changed...but some things, some things are the same." Fin whispered, "I hope that you've been well...and I'm sorry if I shocked you. But...just once...I'd like Olivia to know how loved she really is."
How loved she really is. God she'd never know…
Elliot took a deep breath and turned back to the house, "Fin I need to go...but thank you for calling. I'll call you in a few days. After I...sort through some things here."
"I understand. Even if you don't I'll keep hounding you. I didn't before...but I sure as hell will now. For Olivia." Elliot could hear the smirk in his voice.
"Noted. It was...good to hear from you Fin. I hope you're well. Talk to you soon."
He hung up the phone and then turned to look at the city. Ten years...it was time.
I bet this time of night you're still up.
I bet you're tired from a long hard week.
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.
A few weeks later, he sat out on the balcony again with a pad of paper in front of him. He'd talked to Kathy. And she had been much more excited about the idea than he had thought. He had anticipated some pushback. But she had made it clear that they could not and would not skip it. That she had been waiting for an opportunity like this. That she wouldn't let him get out of this. She had booked the tickets. Called the kids and told them they were all going. And since that night she had been hounding him to get writing.
He'd been sitting out here for over an hour. And as he looked up at the moon again he envisioned Olivia in her apartment. Staring up at the same moon. After a hard week. Captain. Captain Benson. That was a lot of responsibility but if anyone could handle it, it was her. Cragen had made the right choice. Even if he had stayed...it should have been her. It should always have been her. It was hers. He thought of her sitting there, with her own glass of wine, looking out at the city, her city, her home. And he wondered...ten years later...did she think about him as much as he thought of her? God he hoped so.
He heard the door open and Kathy came out, set a glass in front of him, "How's it going?"
He sighed and looked at the empty page in front of him, "It's not."
She smiled and pulled her sweater tighter around her, "I suppose there's a lot to say...especially after all this time." His face flushed and he looked away, "You really...haven't spoken to her once since the day you left?"
He reached for the glass of wine and lifted it to his lips, "No."
Kathy sighed and leaned against the balcony, "Why?"
He held the glass in the air and wanted to cry. Why? He couldn't answer that question. He could never answer that question. "It...was complicated."
Kathy lifted her own wine glass to her lips, "Yeah. It was." She looked out at the city below her, "Italy's...been nice. I never pictured us living here. But...it's been a good ten years."
He swallowed the lump in his throat, "It...has."
"But…" She turned to him again and smiled, "Now that Maureen has kids. I'd...like to be home."
"Home." He whispered the word more to himself than her, "Kathy-"
"This isn't home Elliot. It was an escape. And I was happy here. With you. With Eli." She shrugged and walked closer to him, "But it's not home. New York...New York is home. And I know you feel the same way...I've always known that."
He looked down, unable to meet her gaze, "Kathy I lo-"
"I know El. I know." She leaned down and kissed the top of his head, "But sometimes...sometimes love is complicated. In more ways than one." She squeezed his arm and looked down at the paper, "Maybe you don't have to give a speech."
He looked up at her, confused and torn, "What do you mean? You said I should-"
"I said you should write to her. Not necessarily a speech. Maybe it would be more personal if you write a letter. Tell her the things you weren't able to say. It would probably be better after all this time to hear it that way than in front of a bunch of people. It would feel inauthentic." She smiled at him, "Besides, you'd probably get up there and totally flop." She teased.
He chuckled, "Geez. Thanks for the vote of confidence."
She laughed and tilted his face up towards her, "Write to her El. She deserves that much." She kissed him softly, "I don't want you living with anymore regrets."
He slipped his hand into hers, "I need you to know-"
"I know." She whispered, "I know El. I know it all and it's okay. It is...what it is. I'm here. Beside you. But I know." She kissed him again and then tapped the paper. "Now...ten years is a long time to be away. So start writing."
He gave him a wink and pulled away leaving him with his thoughts. So many thoughts. So much pain. So much love for so many. For the two women who held him up even when he didn't deserve it. He could never make it right for both of them. Could never erase the pain. And yet...somehow neither of them had asked him too. He owed them both so much. He had given Kathy ten years here...and while they weren't perfect. They were their years. Their time. And he would cherish them forever, till the day he died.
But now...it was time. It was time to right a wrong. The worst mistake he had ever made. It was more than time. Picking up the open, he looked up at the moon one more time and envisioned her face. It was time to go home. And then he started to write…
Up next - "I Almost Do" Olivia's POV after he gets back…
Then a new song will happen after that. Loving every minute of this! Hope you do too! Especially my TSEO Squad 3