Summary: Q and Tanner are rabid Shakespeare nerds. Their reactions when the remains of Richard III are found under a car park in 2013 make their colleagues think that they might have gone a little bit mad. Bright Star 'verse but definitely may be read on its own. Q and Tanner are bros. Silly fic with plentiful and gratuitous (ab)use of Shakespeare quotes.
This fic exists because the world needs more stories with Q and Tanner as dorky best mates.
Q and Tanner are Shakespeare nerds because their respective actors, Ben Whishaw and Rory Kinnear are pretty well-known-ish for their work in Shakespeare. They actually appeared together on the BBC's The Hollow Crown in Richard II (not III), if you want to check that out.
Also, the remains of Richard III really were discovered (confirmed as his due to the curved spine that caused his "hunchbacked" appearance). History buffs, archaeologists, and Shakespeare fans across the world had a collective squee moment.
Exit, Pursued by a Bear
"...in other news, the remains of King Richard the Third - yes, that King Richard, Shakespeare's scheming, hunchbacked villain who would have traded his kingdom for a horse - have been found. University of Leicester researchers announced today that they have discovered the skeletal remains of King Richard the Third in a Leicester City Council car park. The last Plantagenet king of England was killed at the 1485 Battle of Bosworth…"
. . . . .
MI6 Internal Communication [encrypted]
From: Q
Sent: 4 February, 2013 14:52
To: William A. Tanner
Subject: Such Stuff As Dreams Are Made On
Bill! They found Richard III!
[link]
MI6 Internal Communication [encrypted]
From: William A. Tanner
Sent: 4 February, 2013 14:55
To: Q
Subject: Re: Such Stuff As Dreams Are Made On
O, what a happy title do I find!
. . . . .
Thus began a month-long period of Shakespeare-quoting by MI6's Quartermaster and Chief of Staff.
The denizens of Q-Branch were often treated to such exclamations as "Out, damned spot! Out, I say!" and "The cannons have their bowels full of wrath" by their overlord as he bent over some piece of equipment or other.
They were, on the whole, rather used to his eccentricities, but starting branch meetings by solemnly declaiming, "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears" and being treated to "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" if one did something stupid got to be a bit much after repeated exposure.
After all, Shakespeare was all very well and good, but there really was such a thing as moderation.
Q was known to be a bit odd (the hazards of the job, really), so it honestly wasn't all that surprising for him to suddenly begin spouting poetry at the drop of a hat.
However, it was a little unexpected for the stoic, rather bland Bill Tanner to join in with quips ranging from "'Tis neither here nor there" to "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers" (yes, really). There were some disturbed side-eyed looks when he said such things with that mild, placid expression he usually wore when dealing with MI6 business.
. . . . .
"Brevity is the soul of wit," muttered Q twenty-three minutes into a speech made by a particularly long-winded department head at their monthly meeting.
"Men of few words are the best men," Tanner agreed, sotto voce.
Eve jabbed at his arm with her pen.
. . . . .
Q even incorporated Shakespeare into his dealings with the double-ohs, often to hilarious effect.
"How art thou out of breath when thou hast breath to say to me that thou art out of breath?" he shot back, when 008 complained about the fact that Q had sent him up and down flights of stairs while evading the building's security team. "Turn left, first door on the right."
003 was warned of bad news (i.e. the target arriving at the hotel where the agent was busily seducing the access codes out of his wife) via this quote from Macbeth: "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Get out of there, Jack."
The Q-Branch minions had a bit (read: a lot) of a giggle when Q, annoyed, finally told Bond to "Get thee to a nunnery, go," immediately followed by "Wait, never mind that. Please don't. Those poor virgins would never know what hit them. I'd be excommunicated by the pope and I'm not even Roman Catholic."
. . . . .
"Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love," Tanner told Eve, comforting her after a bad date over lunch. "The course of true love never did run smooth."
"Oh, for heaven's sake! Will you and Q please stop quoting Shakespeare?" Eve groaned, exasperated. "It was funny for the first three days, but it's been weeks!"
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks," observed Tanner mildly.
"Still not funny," Eve growled, her hand inching towards her concealed gun. Her relationship woes, on the other hand, were forgotten in favor of contemplating beating both Tanner and Q over the head with the butt of her gun.
. . . . .
Things finally came to a head when, at a budget meeting with Tanner and Mallory, Q grumbled at being restricted, yet again, in his departmental spending.
"Bad is the world, and all will come to naught when such ill-dealing must be seen in thought," he huffed at the unfairness of it all.
M fixed him with an exasperated look. "Whiles I am a beggar, I will rail and say there is no sin but to be rich," he countered, having prepared for this.
Q's eyes rounded, and he exclaimed with much melodrama and no little glee, "These words are razors to my wounded heart!" He accompanied this with a desperate clutch at his bosom.
M suppressed a smirk. "I understand a fury in your words, but not the words. Give thy thoughts no tongue," he added as a bonus. Apparently, in order to get through to Shakespeare fanatics, one had to engage with them in their own language.
Tanner sniggered.
Q turned to him, affronted. "Et tu, Brute?"
"Can one desire too much of a good thing?" Tanner responded with a gloomy smile, sensing that the end to their fun was coming.
M obliged. "Alright, you two," he said with finality, "That's enough Shakespeare. I've had too many complaints from HR about it. Evidently, it makes people uncomfortable to be called 'elf-skin,' 'dried neat's-tongue,' and 'bulls-pizzle.'" He gave Q an extra pointed look.
Q and Tanner shrugged at each other sheepishly. Perhaps they had gone a little bit too far with some of the Bard's creative insults, though those idiots in Accounting definitely deserved it.
"There is no creature loves me, And if I die no soul will pity me," Q sighed mournfully, giving it one last go.
"A man can die but once," Tanner nodded.
M dropped his head into his hand and pointed to the door. "Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes," he groaned theatrically.
"Exit, pursued by a bear," Q laughed puckishly, and departed, Tanner following him bowing dramatically and saying, "I humbly do desire your grace of pardon."
M poured himself a drink.
"Good wine is a good familiar creature if it be well used."
. . . . .
Notes:
The discovery of Richard III's remains was announced to the public on February 4th, 2013. The timestamp on Q's email to Tanner is 14:52 in homage to the year of Richard III's birth.
Ralph Fiennes, who plays M, is also a highly-regarded Shakespearean actor. Hence that last section.
Also, "puckishly" is a reference to Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Q's dog from when he was a kid is named Puck, but for entirely different reasons. Hint: see my fic "Fibonacci."
Quotes:
"Such stuff as dreams are made on." The Tempest
"O, what a happy title do I find." Sonnet 92
"The cannons have their bowels full of wrath" King John
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears." Julius Caesar
"Lord, what fools these mortals be!" A Midsummer's Night's Dream
"'Tis neither here nor there." Othello
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." Henry VI
"Brevity is the soul of wit." Hamlet
"Men of few words are the best men." Henry V
"How art thou out of breath when thou hast breath to say to me that thou art out of breath?" Romeo and Juliet
"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes." - Macbeth
"Get thee to a nunnery, go." Hamlet
"Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love." - As You Like It
"The course of true love never did run smooth." A Midsummer's Night's Dream
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Hamlet
"Bad is the world, and all will come to naught when such ill-dealing must be seen in thought." Richard III
"Whiles I am a beggar, I will rail and say there is no sin but to be rich." King John
"I understand a fury in your words, but not the words." Othello
"Give thy thoughts no tongue." Hamlet
"These words are razors to my wounded heart." Titus Andronicus
"Et tu, Brute?" Julius Caesar
"Can one desire too much of a good thing?" As You Like It
"Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish!" Henry IV
"There is no creature loves me, And if I die no soul will pity me." Richard III
"A man can die but once." Henry IV
"Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes." Richard III
[Exit, pursued by a bear.] Stage directions from A Winter's Tale
"I humbly do desire your grace of pardon." The Merchant of Venice
"Good wine is a good familiar creature if it be well used." Othello