Wayside by Emmanuelle
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
"Would we -"
He used his gloved fingers to quickly turn off the radio, the keys still jingling in the ignition. Getting settled in his seat he realized just how cold he really was. He turned up the heat, listening to the vents work overtime as they pumped hot air into his truck. The windshield had already been through a scraping, the remnants of ice scattered all over. He fastened his seatbelt as his boots creaked of leftover snow on the mat beneath him; and secured his hot coffee in the cupholder.
This weather was very unlike Georgia, they hadn't had a snowfall this large since the winter of 2004. He wasn't used to it either having grown up in North Carolina, another state that doesn't see much snow; but oddly enough he didn't mind it too much. It was almost calming, a break from the regular hustle and bustle of life.
He rubbed his hands together one last time before putting his truck in reverse, finally putting a start to this long journey ahead of him. A white sheet covered the historical buildings of the towns centre; it truly was a beautiful sight. People crowded the sidewalks as they made their way to work, fully bundled up to keep the near freezing temperatures out. The city streetlights were glistening, brightly coloured tinsel hanging neatly from each pole in the shapes of angels, bells, and cardinals.
Christmas was almost here, a time that's meant for celebrating with family and friends. This would be the first Christmas without his baby girl, and that hurt more than ever. Custody battles are lengthy, costly and sometimes just downright unfair. It just felt wrong. It never occurred to him that he would also have to share his baby girl on all of her firsts too. Who would take her to her first day of school? First swimming lesson? First soccer game? All of the above were up in the air now. Who would get her every Christmas? Easter? Thanksgiving?
He had been lucky enough to have her first Christmas all to himself because of her absent mother at the time, but what of all the other firsts he may have to miss now? He had to admit though, Nikki was trying. Working two jobs to pay down all of her student and "lifestyle" debt from her younger years. They had been getting along better recently, but I suppose that's easier when big brother is watching you 24/7.
"They drug test me, I mean - not that that even matters. Like I can't even get a parking ticket. I just sleep, work. Hope that someday, I'll get custody of Jenny. Start my life again you know?"
Nikki had requested to have Jenny for Christmas Day, and because of her absence the year before, her request was approved. It still didn't make any sense. She wasn't there at all for her first nine months, why did she suddenly get to have her on arguably one of the most important days of the year?
He slowed to a stop at the stop sign on Elder Avenue. Looking around, he remembered the present he had purchased for Jenny this Christmas. A purple Care Bear, lovingly named "Sharebear". Jenny loved that dang TV show, she practically threw a fit if it wasn't on the moment she demanded it, pointing at the TV babbling "Sewaber!" He hoped that it was enough, money was tight. He was barely making enough to pay rent, car insurance, and food for him and Jenny. The last few months had been okay though, he had established a routine and a name for himself at his jobs. He hadn't missed any mediation, court mandated drug test or lawyer visit. His heart had even started to mend from losing her again. Things seemed to be getting better, until last week.
"Four hours and twenty-one minutes to your destination" Googles voice boomed through his phone. It startled him, losing his train of thought he huffed under his breath. He pulled it from his pocket quickly, totally forgetting that he should have set it up on his dash before driving. He slid it into the cellphone holder, quickly shifting his eyes back to the road as to not arouse suspicion. That was another thing he didn't want, a texting and driving ticket. He didn't think he needed the directions anyway, he had done this drive over a million times in his mind. He knew all the landmarks, the roads, all the stops along the way that he would make. He just never thought he'd make this trip for this reason. The silence was starting to be deafening, realizing that he also forgot to turn the radio back on.
"Was there something I could have said -"
"God damn it" he muttered under his breath, slamming the off button again. Maybe it was better it was quiet, he could have time to think now. It's pretty hard to think when you constantly have a two year old in your ear, after all. Not that he didn't miss her, but this was the first time in a long time he had had a long journey to himself. The last time was when Nikki took Jenny here, and how he ended up in this position to begin with. He could feel the emotions building, and he swallowed them back down.
The I-95 ramp was finally within sight. From here it was basically a straight shot all the way to Tree Hill. He gripped the steering wheel and guided his truck the slight right onto the on ramp. He merged into the sea of cars, and slowed to the speed limit. Now, he realized, he had four hours to think about it. To think about what had happened, to process on his way back home to Tree Hill. It had been a week, and he had tried to shut it down and push it away. He had hoped until this point that it was all just a bad dream, but this journey home confirmed it was real.
—
"Hello is this Jake? It's Luke"
"Hey, Luke? It's been so long! How you doing buddy?"
"Jake, listen. You need to know. She's gone. Peyton's gone." His voice broke.
"What - what do -"
"She did it. She mentioned you. You should come."
—
He stared into the horizon, just as the sun settled in. He noticed the sky getting blurry and wiped the tears quickly from his eyes. His hands still gripping the steering wheel, maybe a bit too hard. He looked at his passenger seat, no tissues. How could he be so stupid? He always had a box of tissues in the car for Jenny's runny noses and messy faces. He opened the centre console with his right hand, being very careful to keep his eyes on the road. Nope, no tissues, some old fast-food napkins though. He grabbed one and soon realized it would not be enough. Frustrated with himself, he began to pull over to the shoulder. Half an hour into his journey, he already needed a break. He didn't think it would happen this soon. Sure, at the funeral of course he expected to fall apart, but not here on the side of the I-95 at 8:30 in the morning. The guilt and denial he had suppressed this last week had finally made its way to the surface.
Her long curly blonde hair had become a short, straight grown-out bob the last time he saw her. Her beautiful hazel eyes had stared at him longingly, begging him not to send her away.
—
"It hurt like hell the last time I lost you and…I don't want to do that again!"
"Then don't." She said.
—
"God damn it!" He repeated, slamming his hands on the steering wheel this time. Cars zooming past him as he sobbed into his hands and crumpled up napkin. Her face flashed before his eyes, every moment he had shared with her. Feeling the warmth of her skin, the beautiful smell she had that lingered in his nose. The way she would caress his face so gently, so innocently. "Why?" He asked out loud.
—
"She did it. She mentioned you. You should come"
He slid down the door of his bedroom to the floor, looking up at the ceiling. No way. This has to be a mistake, a joke right? She was so strong, so resilient there is no way she would have done this to herself.
He threw his phone on the floor, not even bothering to say goodbye. It was like time had stopped. "Peyton…" He said out loud. "Please, Peyton." His voice fractured. Sobbing on the floor of his bedroom he remembered her black tank top that he had been meaning to mail back to her for months now. He quickly got up and made his way to his closet, rummaging violently through the drawers until he pulled it out. He brought it to his chest, and her smell found its way to his nose. He fell on his knees fixated on her shirt, tightly shutting his eyes as he silently sobbed. This was a pain he had never felt before. He couldn't make a noise, but a constant stream of tears pooled around where he lay. His heart was struggling to beat so much he thought it might stop.
—
"Peyton…" He whimpered with his eyes shut tightly, trying to concentrate on the noise of his 4-way signal blinking to distract himself. "I love you. I've always loved you. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry I sent you away."
He opened his eyes to stare out of the window of his truck. All of these people, travelling to their jobs, their families, their livelihoods. She was supposed to be his livelihood. She was the only thing that had kept him going all of these years on the run from Nikki. She was the only one that Jenny knew by voice, the only one that Jenny had called mama. She hadn't even called Nikki that yet.
"I think you're scared" He repeated her words in a whisper, his tears starting to slow in a moment of clarity. "Yeah. I am scared" he answered himself.
"I am scared of life without you. I am scared of not knowing what to do with myself, with my life. I'm scared of having to live everyday for the rest of my life with regret for things I should have said to you, should have done. All of the ways I should have protected you, listened to you and heard you out when you told me what I was thinking wasn't true. I should have been there for you, but I pushed you away. I'm scared of not being able to remember you. The way you sound, the way you smile. I'm so scared, Peyton."
He looked at himself in his rearview mirror, his eyes glossy from the tears. He removed his gloves and threw them onto the passenger seat, wiping his wet hands on his jeans, taking deep breaths as he struggled to slow his breathing. He stared into the windshield, slowly moving his fingers towards the radio button once again:
"Would we be better off by now, if I let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know."
"Three hours and fifty-six minutes to your destination"
Authors note:
Thanks for reading! Please read and review. This story is dedicated to my first love and friend Jeffrey, who passed away from suicide.
I miss you, Jeff.
1986-2018.