Steps to Redemption
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Chapter 1 – D'Qar
"I should stay."
Leia felt the hint of a smile trying valiantly to make its way onto her lips. It was the first time she'd felt like smiling since that devastating moment 12 hours ago. When her life had changed in a heartbeat; when her husband had been lost; and her son might now be lost to her forever.
Taking a deep breath, she turned and craned her neck, meeting the Wookiee's blue-eyed gaze. "No, you shouldn't. I need you to stay with Rey. I need you to get Luke."
Chewie huffed out a breath, and took a seat across from her. Even seated he still towered above her, but it was easier to meet his eyes. "The girl is a good pilot. Even Han thought so."
She inhaled sharply. With a nod, she said, "He told me as much. Before he left. I mean, he let her fly."
With a soft chuckle, Chewie grinned. "Yeah, it was a surprise to me, too."
Silence fell between them and it was brimming with too many things to say. Which is why most of them – platitudes, memories, regrets – would remain unspoken between them.
"I'll be fine, Chewie. I have more than enough to keep me distracted here."
They both surveyed the scene around them, a hive of disorganized chaos. Resistance members flitting to and fro, seemingly with a purpose, but it was difficult to tell. Everyone was on edge now. Since the Falcon had landed without General Solo and a gravely injured Finn, former First Order Stormtrooper. Since a shell-shocked young woman covered in blood and bruises and barely saying a word had drifted down the ramp like a ghost.
Rey moved throughout the base on silent feet, not even displacing a speck of dust as she weaved among them all. Leia had convinced her to get seen by the medic, had managed to rustle up some clothes that seemed to fit her aesthetic, and made sure she got a hot meal and a warm shower. But the child appeared even more haunted than before.
And now, in the hours she had between getting back and taking off once again with Chewie to Ahch-To, she had kept vigil at the stormtrooper's side, wide, dry eyes drinking in his features as if afraid she would forget them.
"I shot him."
Leia startled, surprised to hear Chewie's voice speak so lowly, even more surprised by his words. Turning again to face him, her puzzled expression prompted him to elaborate. "Your boy, the pup – after he … after. I managed to hit him with my crossbow."
Guilt and shame weighed heavy in Chewbacca's gaze. Blinking back tears, Leia laid a small hand on his immense shoulder, watching as her fingers sank into his fur, still slightly damp from the shower he had afforded himself. Taking a step closer, she pitched her voice low and said, "A life debt would require nothing less."
He frowned. "But when the pup was born, he was brought under my protection as well. I should never have allowed him to have gotten lost." He took a deep breath and then said, "I failed him."
Leia couldn't help the tears that pooled in her eyes now. She feared they would fall, and then, convincing her late husband's hirsute companion to leave with Rey would be even more difficult. But considering all that had happened over the last 12 hours, the last 12 years, she allowed herself the moment of weakness.
"No one failed Ben more than Han or I. No matter what, no matter when or where, you were always an ally to him. In truth, if we had listened to you a little more closely, things might have been different." Taking a step closer, Leia added softly, "I know you love him and you always have. Even now. Because I still love him too. And I can't stop."
He broke away from her gaze and let out a mournful sigh. Leia could still remember Ben's distressed cries at night, when nightmares woke him and he would find himself inconsolable. Eventually, the only person they could leave him with when Leia and Han had a function they needed to attend was Chewie. It seemed that the large Wookiee was the only one, aside from his parents, who could comfort Ben after one of these nightmares. Many nights, Leia and Han would return home to find their impromptu babysitter, snoring loudly in Ben's bed with the small boy curled up in his lap, cheeks red and sticky with dried tears.
Chewie had brought up these nightmares to Han once. He had confided in Leia after the conversation, wondering if there was something they were missing as his best friend implied. "Maybe it's more than just night terrors," Chewie had suggested gently. He didn't understand the Force, it was still considered a form of magic on Kashyyk, although a few Wookiees had successfully matriculated through the academy and become Jedi Masters.
But it made very little sense to him in the grand scheme of things. Fighting and flying were two things he could understand. He had no doubt of Luke's abilities, he'd seen it first hand, and from the very beginning, but the intricacies were too much for him to spend time dwelling on.
However, when little Ben had screamed and cried in the night, begging for anyone to keep him safe, looking for somewhere he could hide away from the monster he was sure was invading his mind, Chewbacca had wondered if maybe the boy's Force sensitivity, his family legacy, might be contributing more to these outbursts than any of them thought.
It had been a non-starter. As Ben grew and became angrier and moodier, he stopped asking any of them for help. He stopped obeying his parents, his teachers – he even challenged Chewie once. Of course, a quick thwap to the top of his head had landed the gangly pre-teen on his ass and that had been the last time he attempted to physically challenge Chewie.
It had also been the first and only time Chewie had ever hurt him. Until 12 hours ago.
"I need you to go with Rey. Take the Falcon, take R2 and get Luke's sorry, gray-haired butt back here. It's time for him to stop hiding." Leia spoke with a fire in her tone that Chewie knew, but hadn't heard for some time. In truth, it made him feel a little better. He knew she would survive this. Leia Organa Solo, one-time princess, former Senator of the New Republic and now Resistance General would not be destroyed by this. No matter how great her grief or how deep her pain, she would simply take a deep breath, and do the next right thing. And then the next.
Chewie rose and pulled Leia into a hug. She held him as tightly as her small arms would allow, and she was the first to pull away.
"And if Luke gives you any trouble, don't hesitate to throw him over your shoulder and drag him back here. Tell him his sister said it was time to come home."
Chuckling softly, Chewie gave Leia a nod.
"I'll see you and Rey off at the Falcon, once you're ready to go."
With that she turned and reentered the fray, blending in with the pilots and analysts and soldiers and mechanics who buzzed around her. Leia knew that fall-out from Han's death – and Ben's part in it – would require more of her in the coming days and weeks. She had mourned the loss of Han so often throughout their 40 years together; after heated arguments and weeks of separation when Leia truly began to wonder if he would ever return to her. Their marriage had many problems, not least of which was that Han had no desire to live anywhere that required a permanent address and Leia's work required it. She knew he felt trapped, first on Coruscant, then on Hosnia Prime. Even their family oasis on Chandrila wasn't freedom enough for Han to breathe. He only truly felt at home on the Falcon.
She had thought, for a time, that he just couldn't find satisfaction without a fight. He had been fighting one enemy after another since childhood; of course, settling down in an era of peace would be disconcerting for him. But Leia had soon figured, not long after Ben was born, that her husband didn't need a fight. In truth, the violence and danger had never interested him.
No, he didn't need to fight. But he needed to fly. Pausing for a moment, Leia wondered if he was somewhere now where he could fly whenever he wanted. No guilt, no recriminations, no worry about who he might be hurting, who he might be letting down. She truly hoped so. It was why she had started to let him go with no harsh words or fuss. Especially after Ben went to stay with Luke and train. She had no desire for Han to be unhappy. She had just hoped that he might be able to find happiness with her.
Shaking her head once, Leia forced these thoughts from the forefront of her mind. She didn't have time for this line of thinking. Would she ever? Time would tell, but Leia feared there was a reckoning coming. And she only hoped to the Force she would have the strength to meet it.
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