IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ! This one-shot is a direct sequel to a multi-chapter story I finished recently called 'Bite the Bullet', and while it is not necessary to have read that story first in order to understand what's happening in this one, it would probably make it easier. Anyway, I've always loved experimenting with non-canon pairings, especially ones that most people don't think about, and that's pretty much what this is. Just a fun little shipping experiment. With that said, Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Please enjoy.
Well… This is Awkward
The Grass Lands, sometimes referred to as the Grass Kingdom or Verdant Plains, were among the largest and most cosmopolitan regions in all of Ooo. Despite being visually unimpressive, save for a few key landmarks, it was nonetheless a bustling center of activity. For it was home to more than two thousand different species of flora, fauna and inorganic lifeforms; of which approximately two hundred and fifty were advanced enough to have their own township or micro-kingdom. One such location is the aptly named Village of Soft People, which is where our story begins.
It was an unseasonably humid Thursday afternoon, about an hour or so after what most people consider lunchtime, and an unlikely duo were sitting at a table outside a local boba café. One was a certain undead rock musician that most people in Ooo were familiar with; if not personally, then by reputation. The other was an athletic young dryad, or 'tree nymph' to you plebians, who was well-known in certain circles, but otherwise unrecognizable to the average joe. Their names, as I'm sure you've already guessed, were Marceline the Vampire Queen and Huntress Wizard, and they were engaged in what could only be described as an involuntary 'girls day out'.
It had been roughly forty-five minutes since they'd arrived and ordered their respective boba teas, strawberry for Marceline and plum for HW, and so far they'd barely said three words to each other. The tension between them was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but thankfully one of them finally managed to pluck up the nerve to break the silence.
"Well… this is awkward." Said Marceline as she continued to nurse the red out of her strawberry boba.
"Eyup." Replied Huntress Wizard as she slurped down the last of her plum boba. "Remind me again why we're doing this."
"Because our wives made us."
"Oh yeah, right."
For those of you confused as to what's going on, please permit me to explain. About four months ago, in a bid to save the Candy Kingdom from financial ruin and improve its relations with the Breakfast Kingdom, Marceline agreed to wed Breakfast Princess. A few weeks later, in a move that shocked literally everyone who knew her, Huntress Wizard announced that she and Wildberry Princess had gotten married as well; though the reasons for this union were much less clear. Anyway, after several months of wedded bliss, their new wives, who themselves were BFFs, insisted that the two of them take the time to get to know one another, since they'd likely be seeing a lot of each other from then on. So they arranged for them to spend the afternoon together in the hopes that they would end up becoming besties too.
"This is stupid." Said HW, sounding bored but with just a hint of aggravation. "Why are they so obsessed with us becoming friends? We barely even know each other."
"Probably because they want us to get along when they take us on couples retreats." Marceline answered, sounding just as bemused. "Either that or they're both insane."
"Well, this place is making my skin crawl, and I'm out of boba. So let's just pay our bill and get out of here."
"Come on, Barbie and Wilma have their hearts set on this. So the least we can do is pretend to try."
"Well, aren't you the obedient little wifey?" the dryad said teasingly. "Sounds like BP's got you whipped."
"I'm not whipped. I just… look, I'm in a weird situation and there's no point in making it worse by getting my wife mad at me. And besides, you let your wife talk you into coming here too, so maybe you're the one who's whipped."
"I only came here because Wilma threatened to not make me dinner if I didn't. That's not being whipped, that's self-preservation."
"Whatevs." Marceline said annoyedly, before letting out a remorseful sigh. "Look at us. What are we even fighting about?"
"I don't know." Huntress Wizard replied, sounding just as ashamed. "I guess I'm just in a weird situation too. I'm starting to wonder if this whole marriage thing wasn't a huge mistake."
"Wow, straight to the point." The Vampire Queen commented before things turned awkward again. "So… do you… I don't know… wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know. I mean, I'm not really the 'talk about my feelings' type."
"Well, neither am I, but we're here and our wives aren't expecting us back for a few more hours and we've got nothing else to do."
"Fine." HW relented. "So… how do we do this exactly?"
"Well… I guess you could start by telling me why you married Wildberry Princess in the first place. You've been pretty vague about that from the start. Plus, didn't you tell Finn you never wanted to get married?"
"No, I said I never wanted to fall in love. There's a difference. And as for why, it just seemed like the smartest move at the time."
"That doesn't really answer my question."
"Look, I'm a nature spirit, and a hunter, I don't see the world through your domesticated eyes. My reasons are beyond your understanding."
"I'm not domesticated."
"Oh please, you're a vampire who doesn't drink blood. An apex predator trying to live as an herbivore. You act tough, but you're really a creampuff. Which means you're well-suited to be a spoiled princess' plaything."
"That's not gonna work, HW. You can't avoid the question by insulting me. What's the matter? Are you afraid to admit that you actually wuv you're pwecious wittle Wilma?"
"That's ridiculous. I don't love her."
"Then why did you marry her?"
"Because I love her pies, okay!" HW exploded, finally cracking under the pressure.
"What?"
"I said, I love her pies. They're literally the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life. And I figured it might be nice to have someone cook for me and do all the other lame domestic stuff I don't like doing myself."
"So you married Wildberry Princess so she could become your maid? That's messed up, dude."
"That's not the only reason." HW said defensively. "It's complicated."
"Then uncomplicate it"
"I just… sigh… Look, being married to Wilma gives me a reason for living beyond my own survival."
"You lost me."
"Ugh… Do I have to draw you a flipping diagram?" the dryad said exasperatedly, before forcing herself to cool down. "Sigh… It's like this. Wilma is small and weak and helpless, just like the rest of her people, and as her mate, I'm honor bound to protect her from all that could harm her. And since she's a princess, that protection extends to everyone else in her kingdom. Get it now? I married Wilma because she gave me something even better than love. She gave me a cause."
"I understand." Marceline replied. "I mean, I don't agree, but I get it. I know what it feels like to just drift through life feeling like you have no purpose. That's how I was for like… centuries. But wait, if you're happy with being the Wildberry Kingdom's protector, then why are you having second thoughts about marrying Wilma?"
"Because the other night, she reminded me of another of my duties as her mate, and to be honest, it kinda freaked me out."
"You lost me again."
"As the wife of a princess, one of my main duties is to ensure the continuation of her royal bloodline. You know, as in bearing her children."
"Oh… yeah, I can see how that might freak you out." The Vampire Queen admitted before backpedaling just a bit. "Wait, how exactly does that work with you two? No offense."
"None taken. And normally children in the Wildberry Kingdom a grown from seeds taken from their mothers and fertilized by their fathers, but Wilma insists that our child be genetically related to both of us, so we're gonna use nature magic to implant one of her seeds in my womb to gestate for eighteen months."
"Well I can see why you… wait, eighteen months?"
"Yeah, magical children born from same sex couples take twice as long to develop as normal babies. You didn't know that?"
"No."
"Oh… well, you better brace yourself, because Barbie's probably gonna want the same thing from you at some point."
Marceline suspected that she was right. In fact, knowing Barbie as she did, the Vampire Queen suspected that this whole girls day out was just phase one of a plot to get them both pregnant at the same time. That way the four of them could all go to birthing classes together and the two baby mamas could be paraded around in maternity pants and pampered like fertility goddesses until they popped. Oh well, at least she wouldn't be humiliated alone.
"So… did she say when she wanted to start trying?" Marceline asked, trying to stay on topic.
"Next year, preferably before the next Princess Day. We're hosting and Wilma wants to announce our pregnancy in front of a crowd."
"Yeesh."
"Yeah, and as embarrassing as that's gonna be, I'm way more freaked out about what comes after. I mean, I don't know anything about being a mom, especially not to a royal baby. What if I screw up and she dies or grows up to be a supervillain?"
"Whoa, easy there, HW." The Vampire Queen stepped in calmly. "No one's ever really ready to be a parent. I mean, I had the best mom ever and she mostly just made it up as she went. And it's not like you'll be doing it alone. Wilma's obviously given this a lot of thought, so she probably has at least a vague idea of what she's doing. And look on the bright side, you'll have servants to change all the dirty diapers for you."
"I guess that's a plus." HW admitted. "But what if I'm just not cut out to be a mom?"
"You have time, so study up on it, volunteer at a nursery or something so you can get some practice, and most of all, tell your wife how you feel. I mean, Wilma might be a little crazy, at least as crazy as Barbie, but she's not unreasonable. Who knows? Maybe she'll decide to put off on having a baby until you're both ready."
"Well… I guess I could give it a shot."
"That's the spirit. And listen, I know we're not exactly BFFs or anything, but I do have some experience with taking care of babies. Not a lot, but some. So, you know, you can always talk to me if you ever get too freaked out." Marceline said as she flashed her fellow married woman a pleasant smile.
"I'll try to keep that in mind." Huntress Wizard replied, flashing the Vampire Queen a warm smile of her own. "So, what's your weird situation?"
"Uh… Excuse me?"
"Come on, I spilled my guts to you, so now it's your turn. Tell me why your marriage is making you feel so weird."
"It's… hard to explain."
"Okay, then I'll just keep guessing until I get warm. So what's up? Does it freak you out to be sleeping with someone so much shorter than you?"
"No."
"Are you embarrassed because all of Barbie's cutesy talk it starting to turn you on?"
"No!"
"Is she way too into butt stuff?"
"No! And stop guessing!"
"Only if you tell me what's weirding you out?"
"Fine!" Marceline said furiously, before taking a few moments to calm back down. "I assume you already know why I married Barbie in the first place."
"Yeah, Wilma filled me in. It's like something from a bored librarian's fanfic."
"Uh… sure, whatever." The Vampire Queen replied, unfamiliar with that particular analogy. "The point is, I made what I thought was the ultimate sacrifice for the woman I love. I went into this marriage expecting to feel like a martyr. But the truth is… I can't remember the last time I've felt so happy."
"And that's bad?"
"Yes… no… I don't know. I mean, it's not like I'm in love with her or anything. Bonnie and I are soulmates. But Barbie, she just… it's just nice being with someone who goes out of their way to make me feel good about myself. And it's nice being a part of a real family for once. Glob, even her egg breath doesn't bother me as much as it should."
"So… what? You feel guilty because you're not feeling miserable all the time?"
"Yes. I know it sounds stupid, but I can't help but feel like I'm betraying Bonnie every time I start enjoying my marriage to Barbie."
"Uh-huh… and does Princess Bubblegum know you feel this way?"
"No, I haven't really seen her much lately. We've both been busy with our own stuff."
"I see…" HW replied, clearly trying not to sound too judgmental. "Well, you're right. That is pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"Hey!"
"Let me finish. It's stupid because it's not a sin to be happy. And yeah, I don't know PB all that well, in fact I think she's a stuck up B-Word, but if you two are in love as half as much as you think you are, then I'm sure she'd rather see you enjoying your marriage than sitting around feeling miserable."
"That… actually makes a lot of sense."
"Of course it does." The dryad said, trying not to sound smug about it. "You might have experience, but I have wisdom. And again, I don't really know PB all that well, but I know she's harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids. So the only way I can see you two not ending up together in like ninety something years is if one of you decides you don't want too."
"That'll never happen."
"Then quit being a wuss, enjoy your marriage and be grateful your wife isn't making you go to the stupid boring ballet tonight."
"Let me guess, she threatened to not make you dinner if you didn't go?"
"There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for that woman's pies."
"Fair enough, but don't worry, ballet's not so bad. Barbie's sisters are into it, so I've seen a few recitals. And anyway, at least Wilma doesn't make you take bubble baths with her."
"Seriously?" HW asked, stifling a chuckle.
"Yeah, every night. And she has this weird thing about wanting us to wash each other's hair."
"Yeesh. Wilma's not into stuff like that, but she does have this thing where she wants me to use her body as a pillow when we sleep together. Which isn't so bad, except that sometimes when I wake up, she's latched onto my face like an alien parasite."
"Barbie likes to sit on my lap when I'm trying to write music. She calls me her 'special throne'."
"Wilma likes to rub my belly whenever I go into my wolf form. It's super embarrassing, but I let her do it because it feels good."
"Barbie is way too into playing footsie. Seriously, like every chance she gets. At the table, in the bath tub, in our bed. I think she likes it even more than sex."
"Wilma wants me to wear a dress at the next Princess Day."
"Barbie's making us wear matching dresses at the next Princess Day. As in, mine has to be a perfect match for hers. Right down to the egg white bloomers."
"Wilma's making me read a book about table manners."
"Barbie makes me wear maple syrup perfume."
"Wilma likes to boop my nose and tell me I'm adorable for no reason."
"Barbie likes to call me Poopsie."
"You win."
And with that, the two of them shared a good laugh that lasted well over three minutes.
"Our wives are so weird." Marceline said after finally regaining her composure.
"Totally." HW replied with a smile. "But you know, if we had to get married for reasons other than love, we could've done a lot worse. And at least my wife isn't as into cutesy pet names as yours. Wilma's fine with just calling me Daisy."
Upon hearing this, the Vampire Queen burst out laughing again.
"Daisy? Are you kidding me?" she said as she attempted to recompose herself. "I mean, it's not nearly as bad as Poopsie, but it's still pretty lame."
"It's not a pet name, genius." HW said as she narrowed her eyes in anger; her voice pure venom and arsenic. "It's my first name."
"Oh…" Marceline replied as her face turned even paler than usual.
And just like that, things were awkward again.
End Notes:
I wasn't originally going to make a sequel to 'Bite the Bullet' right away, but this idea popped into my head the day after I finished the final chapter and I just had to go for it.
Anyway, after a long and agonizing hiatus, I think I'm finally ready to start working on 'Yin Yang' again. I've got some fun new ideas for it that I'm sure you'll all adore.
Until then, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.
Peace.