Hello, fic friends! I began writing this little story over 10 years ago. It was meant to spoof some of the popular fics of the time as well as to make fun of cliches in both fic and Twilight. I had about 10 chapters written, but I pulled it when I thought i'd never finish it. Well I found it the other day on a flash drive, and it still made me laugh. I hope you feel the same way and enjoy it. All of the chapters I have in the can have been beta'd, but I will be editing and updating as I go along. If there is something you'd like to see me spoof, please let me know.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight. It all belongs to SM. I only own a deranged sense of humor.
Now on with the show!
Chapter 1
BPOV
My alarm clock went off, and I suppressed a groan. I lifted the sleeping mask from my eyes and rolled over to turn off the alarm. 6:00. I reluctantly got out of bed and headed to the bathroom for a quick shower before my baby girl woke up.
As the hot water of the shower beat down on me, I reflected on the events of the last two months. My life had changed dramatically when my husband Mike Newton was killed in a train wreck. Suddenly I was a single mom to my daughter Raffia. Mike and I had been living in Portland, but I decided to move to Seattle to be closer to my friends.
Since moving to Seattle, I had been living with my best friend Alice Brandon. Alice and I had been friends since elementary school, and she was the closest thing I had to a sister. Actually, she was my only family. My parents had died in a car accident when I was in college. Alice was by my side the entire time, just as she had been since Mike died. She and her boyfriend Jasper had been a great help with Raffia. They loved my baby girl so much, and she was crazy about them.
Living with Alice made my life easier, but I was anxious to be on my own. I didn't want to cramp Alice's style by having a one-year-old running around. I knew how much she loved Raffia, but I'm sure living with a toddler had to be a pain sometimes.
I hadn't worked since Raffia was born, but I went back to teaching when I moved to Seattle. I was fortunate to get a permanent position teaching eighth grade English at a nearby middle school. Apparently, the last teacher had been committed after she claimed there were vampires and werewolves running around the city.
I had been apartment hunting, but it was difficult to find a decent place on a teacher's salary. I was hoping that my house in Portland would sell soon so I would have enough money to start over.
I finished my shower and got dressed. Then I walked into Raffia's room and was greeted with a big smile from my baby girl. She began bouncing up and down in her crib and held out her arms to me.
"Good morning, princess," I said to my girl as I lifted her out of her crib and kissed her. I changed her diaper and dressed her before heading to the kitchen.
Alice was already in the kitchen. "Morning, Bella," she sang. "You too, my little sweetie," she added as she kissed the top of Raffia's head. Alice was way too perky in the morning. Heck, Alice was always perky. She was a little pixie ninja who was forever dragging me to the mall and trying to make me over. We were complete opposites, but we were inseparable.
As I sat Raffia in her highchair and fed her breakfast, I reminded Alice that I had a faculty meeting after school. "I'm not sure when I'll be home," I told her. "Sometimes these meetings drag on forever."
"Jasper and I both have our afternoons free, so we'll probably go out for an early dinner," Alice said. Alice owned her own fashion design firm, and Jasper was a history professor at the University of Washington. He was quiet and studious and the only person in the world who could calm Alice.
"OK," I replied. "I guess we'll see you when you get home."
I finished feeding Raffia, ate my own breakfast, and headed out the door. I dropped Raffia off at the babysitter and arrived at the middle school a few minutes later. Luckily, I had a memo in my mailbox saying that the faculty meeting had been cancelled. I smiled knowing I'd have more time with Raffia this afternoon.
"Hi, Bella!" I heard behind me. I turned around to see our school librarian Rosalie Hale. Rosalie was an absolute sweetheart, but she could best be described as a typical librarian. I tended to dress plainly and conservatively, but my style was like a runway model's compared to Rosalie's. She was tall and gawky and wore frumpy dresses and pantsuits. Her blonde hair was always pulled back in a tight bun, and she wore big glasses.
"How are you today, Rosalie?" I asked her.
"Great, thanks," she replied. "Oh gosh, Bella, last night I went to the most interesting lecture! It was on the history of the dictionary! It was so stimulating!"
I laughed to myself. As an English teacher, I used the dictionary quite often in my class, but I couldn't imagine sitting through a lecture on its history. I didn't see how it could be that stimulating.
I bid Rosalie a good day before heading to my classroom. My students were reading The Outsiders, and they were truly enjoying it. Many people thought I was crazy for teaching eighth graders, but I truly loved that age group.
The first bell rang, and the students began filing in. The day went by quickly as the students and I read and discussed the novel. Before I knew it, the final bell had rung, and the school day was over. I spent about half an hour in my classroom grading papers before leaving to pick up Raffia.
By the time we got home, Raffia had fallen asleep. I put her in her crib and went into the living room to relax. The apartment was quiet, so I figured that Alice and Jasper were still out. I was surprised, then, when I heard someone yell, "Yee hah!"
I jumped up from the sofa and saw a sight I hoped I'd never see again. Jasper was running down the hall wearing only a cowboy hat and a pair of leather chaps. Alice was riding on his back dressed only in her underwear.
I screamed when I saw them. I took a step back only to trip over the living room rug and fell into the glass coffee table. Now it was Alice and Jasper's turn to be shocked as I lay on the floor surrounded by broken glass and blood.