State of Nevada v Eric Cartman

by shinnjacob

This story was based on a transcript based on a real court case on State of Gerogia v. Denver Fenton Allen. Here, I've only made some changes to the script and kept it as accurate as possible. Hope you guys enjoy! Note: The dialogue mostly consists of the judge and Eric Cartman arguing with each other.

t was July 17, 2016, at 2:03 p.m. in the Clark County courtroom, in Las Vegas, Nevada. Eric Cartman, the main character from the TV show, South Park, has been charged with first- degree-murder.

The defense attorney who represented him was an anthropomorphic cat named Riyuuneko Tanaka. Inside the courtroom is Eric Cartman with Riyuuneko, who was holding a document with his hands.

The jurors who were watching are all the characters from South Park, and the judge, and deputy sheriff are both anthropomorphic animals. The judge is a moose named Judge Moosey, and the deputy sheriff is a female polar bear, standing guard beside the bench and stand to keep order.

All of them were animated in South Park style, as Judge Moosey read the document.

''Ok, uh, let's see here... Mr.-Mr. uh... Cart... man, right?''

''Right.''

''I believe that-I believe your case is-was going to-going to trial not this Monday but the following Monday. Do you understand that?''

''Yes. Uh-''

''Okay. I tell you if you needed to tell me something, I'll let you come up here to the podium so you can speak into the microphone, and I can hear you.''

Cartman approached the podium, and tapped the microphone which made a loud feedback.

''Hello? Is this thing on? Ok, good. So, this-this somehow human talking cat attorney here, I- I'm wanting to fire him.''

''Uh-huh.''

''And you know, I don't feel like he's doing any-''

''Ok, who-who are you going to hire then?''

''I'm not gonna hire nobody. I'm going to try to get a different public defender.''

''Wha-There isn't-you-you have a right to an attorney.''

''This cat lawyer has-''

''But you don't have a right to a SPECIFIC attorney.''

''This lawyer has made sexual advancements on me. He-''

''Well-''

''He's mis-misrepresenting my case. He told me that if-if I wanted him to do a good job, I had to let him give me oral sex.'' Riyuuneko shook his head, showing that he's denying it, since he had did no such thing to Eric Cartman.

''He's had doctors at Central State Hospital put a false-''

''He's had doctors at Central State Hospital!?''

''-put a false diagnosis on me.''

''Okay.''

''Uh-''

''I don't-you know, I-I know Mr. Riyuuneko pretty well, and I don't think he has the ability to make doctors at Central State do anything like that.'' Riyuuneko slightly nodded at the judge.

''Well, they did it, and he's the one that had me sent down there.''

''Well, they may have done it, but I don't think that... he-he had anything to do with it.''

''Alright. Well, he won't give the discovery.''

''He-well... I'm-uh-''

''There's things in discovery he's supposed to give-he gave me this-this-this thing called in die meant and told me that was discovery.''

''Okay.''

''They're altering-''

''Okay.''

''-documents that I've read-''

''If you-if you want the indictment, then I'll make sure you get a copy of the indictment.''

''No, I'm saying I got the in die meant.''

''Uh-huh.''

''-but he's not-he's not complying with discovery.''

''Okay.''

''I'm supposed to get the autopsy report, the coroner report, pictures of the crime scene-''

''Wait, co-coroner report?''

''-criminal background records. I want-''

''Wait is this-is this a murder!?''

''In the county jail.'' The deputy sheriff said, before the judge and Cartman continued.

''Okay.''

''Yeah, I'm supposed to get criminal background records, investigational summaries.''

''Okay, Mr. Riyuuneko, what discovery do you have?''

''Only the indictment, Your Honor, I haven't gotten the records, investigational summaries or the uh... the coroner report yet.''

''So you've given him everything you have?''

''Yes, Your Honor.'' Riyuuneko finished, and Moosey and Cartman continued the discussion.

''Well, he's given you everything-''

''This is a murder case, and you're tell-''

''Huh?''

''This is a murder case, and you're telling me that the only thing on discovery is a stupid-ass four-page indictment?''

''I don't think he's saying that. I think he said he's given you everything that he has.''

''He ain't give me the autopsy report, he ain't give me the coroner's report, he ain't give me-''

''Well, it may be because... he just... doesn't have them. I don't know.''

''That's what I've been trying to get. He didn't give me pictures of the crime scene. I've seen other people go to trial on-on murder charges. I've seen what you're supposed to get. I am NOT gonna work with this furry-ass attorney.

''Well, you know, you-you-''

''It's not-it's not gonna happen.''

''You've got-you've got-''

''I am not going to trial with this cat attorney!''

''Well, you've got two choices. One, you can go to trial with him, or, two, you can try the case yourself. Now, I definitely, completely think that that's-''

''I've got a right to ha-''

''Wait a minute! Listen to me! That would be the biggest mistake you'll ever make in your entire life!''

''So basically you're sitting here telling me-''

''Now, you have a ri-''

''-you're going to find me guilty if I-if I go to trial and try to defend myself?''

''You're probably right. That would be my guess if you try to defend yourself.''

''You-you don't know anything about selecting a jury at all, do you?''

''No.''

''Do you know anything about cross-examining witnesses?''

''No.''

''Do you know anything about criminal procedure?''

''I know I don't have to let-''

''Do you know any-I'm-''

''-this cat suck my balls-''

''L-Let-let-let me-let me-le-''

''-to get some legal representation.''

''You know something, I'll be honest, Mr. Cartman, I really don't believe that.''

''I'm not-I'm not concerned if you believe it or not.''

''I-I-you know, I-''

''But I'm supposed to-I'm supposed to have a right to an attorney-''

''That-that-''

''-and I'm not gonna work with this smug-ass attorney!''

''Well, that's up to you.''

''So I'll hold myself in contempt if you try to pull me up here to court with that cat attorney.''

''Wha-how-you-what do you think holding yourself in contempt even means? I told you what your choices are. You can go to trial-''

''I'm-I'm just saying that-''

''Li-listen to me.''

''-I'll just hold myself in contempt if-''

''Listen to me!''

''Fuck you! Suck my balls!''

''Listen to me!''

''Go fuck yourself! I'm through here. Are you done here?''
''I-I-I'm finding you in contempt of court!''

''I don't fucking care!''

''I know you don't. And I sentence you to twenty days for that. And if you say anything else, I'm gonna add twenty days for everything you say.''

''How would you like to suck my balls?''

''Forty days.''

''Suck my dick.''

''Sixty.''

''Go fuck yourself!''

''A year.''

''Yo mamma!''

''TEN YEARS!''

''Suck my balls!''

''You-you know something, this is going to be an interesting trial.''

''Oh yeah?''

''Oh yeah.'' Moosey said, giving a little smirk.

''You're not supposed to smile in court. You know that if you smile-''

''I can smile anytime I want to.''

''-it's a violation-Now, you're cussing and yelling at me and-''

''I have not cussed.''

''Yeah, you did!''

''I am yelling, though!''

''Well, go fuck yourself. Suck my balls!''

''That's why I'm yelling!''

''Suck my dick!''

''You know something, Mr. Cartman, you-you are absolutely the rudest, foul-mouthed kid I think I've-''

''You reckon-''

''-ever met.''

''You reckon if I let you come and suck my balls that I could get a fair trial here?''

''Oooooooh, noooo, I don't think so, mister.''

''I got big balls now, and if I pull it out-'' While the judge and Cartman continued to argue, Riyuuneko closed his eyes and started facepalming, really hoping to God that this childish argument between them would end already.

''I don't think that's going to get you a fair trial unless you have-''

''I'm done.''

''-every one of the jurors do it.''

''I don't think that mouth is big enough, sir. I've got a big old donkey dick.''

''You know, I'm sure mine's-I'm sure mine's not.''

''I've got a big old donkey dick for that ass!''

''Good! Good, I'm sure the ladies love it.''

''I don't fuck girls.''

''Oh no? Well, I'm so-so sorry.''

''I fuck boys!''

''Oh, you prefer men?''

''I fuck boys.''

''You prefer men, right?''

''I fuck white-white boys.''

''You-oh, oh, white or black?''

''White boys.''

''Prey, predator or human?''

''I-I-I fuck only white human boys!''

''Oh, butt boys?''

''With big butts!''

''Oh, yeah, of course. You know, you look like a little queer!'' Riyuuneko's eyes widened in shock after hearing the judge saying a bad word in his own courtroom to Cartman, knowing that judges aren't supposed to cuss.

''Oh, so now you're calling me a queer?''

''I didn't call you one. I said you looked like one.''

''You're yelling.''

''Do you understand the English language?''

''Wait, you're yelling. You're laughing.''

''Do you understand the English language?''

''This is-this-this-this is kangaroo court!''

''Do you-you know what. No, we're not in Australia.''

''I mean-I mean, if you want to suck my balls, you can do it anytime now. We can-''
''Oh-''

''-get this court-ordered-''

''-you're-you're sooo smart.''

''Do we have to court-order this?''

''Yeah, you're sooo funny, kid. You're so cute.''

''Can we get a court order on mah authoritah to get my balls sucked?''

''You're so cute. I know aaaall the inmates just love you to death.''

''Oh, yeah.''

''Oh, I bet.''

''All the white butt boys love me to death, too.''

''Okay. Well, I'll bet they do, and I bet all the rest of them do, too.''

''Hey, you're not supposed to smile in court.''

''I'll bet everybody enjoys sucking your balls!''

''You're not supposed to be smiling in court. That's a violation-''

''I can smile anytime I dad gum want to.

''Now, you're yelling at me again and-''

''I AM! I AM YELLING!''

''You're getting mad.''

''Can you hear me!?''

''You're shaking.''

''I AM YELLING AT YOU!''

''Well, reckon you could suck my balls?''

''YELLING!''

''Can you take a break?''

''YELLING!''

''Can you take a break?''

''I'M YELLING AT YOU!''

''Can I have my balls sucked?''

''CAN YOU HEAR ME YELLING!?''

''Can I have my balls sucked?''

''Yelling! YELLING!''

''Are you ready to suck them now? Have you got it all out?''

''You-you know something-''

''You will, but you want me to fuck you in the ass then, right?''

''Oh, my god... You've got plenty of that over in the jail.''

''I could see it in you when I come in the courtroom.''

''Okay. That's fine. You're going to be here on-let me tell you how this is going to work. You're going to-''

''You're not gonna tell me shit!''

''L-Listen.''

''Suck my balls!''

''Shut up, kid! Listen to me!''

''Suck my balls!''

''LISTEN TO ME!''

''Suck my balls!''

''LISTEN. TO-''

''Respect mah authoritah!''

''You-you will be here in court on Mon-''

''You'll be here sucking my dick!''

''Shut up, you will listen to me, right now!''

''Go fuck yourself!''

''Okay. I'm gonna tell you how this is going to work, you either listen or not. I don't care.''

''I'm done here. Can I leave now?''

''No!''

''No, sir, you got to stay here.'' The polar bear sheriff said.

''No! I'm not talking to this asshole!''

''We are going to have the trial Monday this week.''

''No! The fuck we are! I'm not gonna to trial with this sleazy-ass lawyer present! No fucking way!''

''Listen, if you do not-''

''Suck my dick, you stinky-ass cracker!''

''If you act like this-if you act like this, I'll send you out of the courtroom-''

''Old bitch-ass nigga!''

''-and leave you out of the courtroom during the trial.''

''Horse-ass muthafucka!''

''Do you understand that?''

''Horse-ass, dick-sucking-mutha-''

''Do you understand that?''

''-big ass-''

''Do you understand that!?''

''-Muthafuckin-bitch-ass-nigga!''

''Do you understand that?''

''Getting mad, aren't ya?''

''Stupid!''

''Or red-faced?''

''Listen!''

''Now, you're calling me stupid?''

''Listen! I-Yes, yes I am!''

''This is kangaroo court!''

''You-you know what, you have a constitutional right to be a dumbass!''

''Why don't you jump up on the stand and-''

''You have a constitutional right to be a dumbass.''

''-and jump around like a fucking deer, you dumb deer bastard?''

''Well, if you-''

''Suck my balls! I'm not-''

''-if-if you-if you-''

''-listening to nothing you say!''

''If you come in here Monday week and-''

''How about this, then? I'll-I'll kill your whole family! When I get in this trial, I'll murder your whole family! I'll cut your children up into pieces! I'll knock their brains out with a fucking sledgehammer and feed them to you!''

''Are-are-are you taking this down?''

''Yes, sir.'' The male pig court reporter said, typing the exact words those two were saying.

''Okay. I'm gonna refer you to the district attorney's office.''

''I don't give a flying fuck who you're referring to!''

''I-I'm just saying-''

''I thought you were referring to my muthafuckin balls, Mr. Moose Judge!''

''GrrrAAAAAAAAAAGH! Aggravated! Aggravated assault, terroristic threats, and we'll just add to it!''

''I don't give a fuck! I'll murder you, your whole family, your kids. I'm not supposed to be in jail! I was framed! That muthafucka asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee!''

''Well, you know-''

''-and now you're telling me that I've got to-I got to go to trial with this slimy-ass fuckwad over

here!''

''You-you're obviously-''

''He's probably a pedophile! Yeah, a pedophile!'' Riyuuneko's jaw dropped when Cartman said that to a judge beside him. He had heard ridiculous accusations against him before, but not like this.

''You're obviously fixated on butts and cocks.''

''Huh? I'm fixated on your mouth!''

''No, you're fixated on butts and cocks.''

''You've got a nasty mouth, jackass!''

''Oh, yeah, I got an awful mouth!''

''You have a big old fat deer mouth!''

''I do!''

''You got to have the biggest oldest mouth to get my balls in it!''

''Yeah, I sure do.''

''Alright.''

''Yep. I'm proud of it.''

''I'll make sure the next time I come to court-''

''I-''

''-I'll pull them out and jack them on you!''

''Okay. Well, why don't you do that right now?''

''I jack on white boys-''

''Why don't you do it right now?''

''-just like I jack on females!''

''Do it now!''

''I can't do it now.''

''Do it now!''

''I'm not-I ain't got bu-''

''I don't care!''

''Take off the cuffs!''

''How many hands do you have to have to do it?''

''Take off the fucking cuffs!''

''Come on-no. Jack off.''

''This is kangaroo court.''

''Come on, kid! Do it now!''

''This-this is kangaroo court!''

''Jack off right now!''

''Are you all getting this?''

''Yes, they're getting it.''

''I'm-I'm-I'm going to make sure. This big-faced deer here done called me stupid! This muthafucka done told me he was going to suck my balls!''

''I did not say that.''

''He wanted me to fuck him in the ass too!''

''I did not say that either.''

''Uh, you're a-you're a real, real nasty-ass judge, you know that? This is-''

''I am indeed, and you're going to find out-''

''Now-''

''-how nasty I really am.''

''You'll find out how nasty I am when I murder your whole fucking family, bitch!''

''Oh, that's fine! You know, you'll be in jail so long you won't have a chance.''

''All the babies will be going, ''Daddy, Daddy, help me!'' I'm just gonna knock their brains out with a fucking sledgehammer!

''Okay. Well, you know, if I had any kids, you'd probably be able to do that, but since I don't have any, it doesn't really matter.''

''Well, then I'll get a rifle and shoot you, your nieces, your nephews, your sisters, your-''

''It doesn't really matter. I don't have any of those either, and I have a bulletproof vest on me, just so you know.''

''Grandkids.''

''Don't have any of those either.''

''Aunties, aunts.''

''How can I have grandkids if I don't have any kids?''

''Brothers, sisters?''

''Aaagh! You know, you-you're just completely-completely uh... have no idea of the English language!''

''If you're not gonna suck my balls, I don't-I don't wanna be here.''

''Okay. I've enjoyed this. I hope you have. I know everybody else in the courtroom has enjoyed it, but you can go now, and if-''

''Alright, well, I-''

''-if on Monday week this happens again, you will not stay in the courtroom.''

''Suck my balls, Mr. Judge!''

''Okay.'' As Cartman was being escorted out of the courtroom by the polar bear deputy sheriff, he got one last word to everyone.

''I'm gonna subpoena all of your asses in the courtroom!'' And so the proceeding ended right there, as Riyuuneko facepalmed and sighed deeply. Cartman was right, this really IS a kangaroo court.