Albus Dumbledore sat down at the head of the staff table. The staff, the one deemed most important to the function of the school at least, all sat down at their usual seats, Hoping to spend a few moments of peace before the Witch Weekly's most charming smile award walked into the great hall with another one of his over-exaggerated adventures that made everyone's stomach unwell.
Albus looked over to one of the empty seats that usually belonged to Hogwart's potions master. Severus Snape was generally known to be a very suspicious secretive man who seemed cold to most...Alright, all the people he met. But to those close to him. They found him to be more than that. He had a sense of humor through sarcasm and his accomplishments, unlike a certain blonde celebrity, were real. He was also one of the youngest potions masters in the current century.
So when Albus had gone to check on Severus for maybe a morning tea and found his teacher, a man he had known since he was a first-year outcast, suffering from a cold before breakfast. He was worried for more reasons than one. The rest of the teacher's schedules were full. He would know that. He had spent two weeks at the beginning of the term making sure he knew all their schedules so that he didn't overwhelm anyone with work.
The only teacher available was Gilderoy Lockhart.
It was clear to the staff and some students who weren't smitten by the celebrity, he was a fake. No one knew how he pulled all those tales in his books but he clearly didn't do any of them if his magical ability, or lack of it, was to be believed. In his books, he made a point to say that his brilliant skill in potions is what saved at least one entire town.
A week before the term started. The staff decided to read his books reluctantly to prepare themselves for the...chaos that was Gilderoy Lockhart. When the staff read that little potions fact. Severus stood up in a rage, insulted that the man would dare make such a claim as his account of the story was far too unbelievable, even for Gilderoy. As Severus put it...
"Complete and utter bullshit, Albus."
Which was followed closely by Minerva leaning over to Severus, whispering with a big smile.
"Brought to you by 'Witch Weekly's most disturbing smile' award."
Filius Flitwick and Pomona Sprout started nearly choking on their tea mid-sip and proceeded to dissolve into giggles followed by Minerva and Severus trying to hide their own amusement. Albus smiled fondly at the memory. Wishing he had the usual company of Severus and Minerva with him.
He looked further down the table. Minerva and Poppy stood talking near the end of the table. Poppy and Minerva were probably discussing the latest incident involving Harry Potter and Gilderoy Lockhart where Gilderoy managed to not only fail to fix Harry's broken arm but completely removed the bone itself.
The man received a third-class order of Merlin. Albus's faith in the ministry was already low. But this was a new sort of desperate low. Or maybe they were all in denial?
From the staff, Sybill Trelawney was the last teacher to come in. She stumbled actually. Seeming to have trouble keeping her eyes off the celebrity who was leaning in front of the table with a self-confident smile. Bragging to Filius and Pomona. Whose eyes had glazed over as they blocked out his voice but nodded absently.
Minerva and Poppy moved. Poppy took her seat at the end of the table with Hagrid. They both launched into a friendly conversation. Minerva sat beside Albus and raised an eyebrow when she noticed Severus's seat was empty on the other side of Albus.
"Albus. Where is Severus?" She asked. Masking her concern for the head of Slytherin's house. Trying to pretend she was merely curious.
"I am afraid Severus has fallen ill to a cold this morning. Which means..." Albus was almost scared to tell her the conclusion. But she can to the assumption that the next words out of his mouth were going to make her have a very bad day. She narrowed her eyes and looked up at him.
"Which means...?" She repeated. Urging him to spit it out. He sighed and broke eye contact. Focusing on Gilderoy Lockhart who broke away from the group and started to mingle among the students who just woke up and were entering the great hall. Not ready to be bombarded with tales of his adventures first thing in the morning.
"Which means Professor Lockhart is the only one available to take over potions."
"NO!" Minerva blurted out immediately. Rejecting the idea without question but attracted unwanted attention. She glared at the students who dared look their way and ignored her colleagues who were concerned about her outburst. She leaned over to Albus to avoid being heard. "That is not wise! You know that. The man is a spiraling dunderhead who is going through a constant midlife crisis!"
"That is a bit harsh, Minerva..."
"No, it is not! Did you tell Severus your brilliant plan? By the time he gets better, there won't be a potions classroom left!"
"If memory serves me right. Gilderoy did have a talent for potions."
"Basic potions! He barely passed and even then he managed to destroy five cauldrons in two weeks! We will be lucky if the castle is still standing by the end of the month!"
"Severus won't be gone that long."
"And what makes you think Gilderoy will give up on Potions? It's just another chance for him to bask in all of his idiocy and impress students who don't know any better. Look at them! They are giving him looks that scream self insecurity and wanting to imagine themselves with a man who only truly loves himself! How have the wizarding species survived this long?!" Minerva ranted. Filius and Pomona stood up to stand around the pair to join the conversation.
"What's happening? Are we bashing Lockhart again?" Pomona said with a grin. "What a wonderful way to start a morning!"
"Calm down, Pomona." Albus insisted. Gently patting the Hufflepuff's head of houses arm. "We were just discussing Severus's replacement since he is currently ill."
"Severus ill? I imagine he didn't take that assessment well?" Filius said as he moved to take up Severus's spot for the moment. Poppy joined the group, wondering why they looked like a bunch of scheming students, and heard Filius's statement.
"He did not." Poppy recalled. Bring her into the conversation as well. "Albus and Severus were arguing for a good twenty minutes before I threatened Severus that if he didn't at least stay two days in bed, I would drag him to the infirmary for the next three days and make sure that idiot Lockhart took over his class."
Minerva and Albus suddenly looked very pale and scared. Poppy narrowed her eyes and leaned towards the pair.
"What did you two do?" She asked. Albus, in his infinite wisdom, managed to forget that important detail in Poppy's threat. He gulped and found that unsurprisingly Minerva wasn't jumping to defend him this time. Instead, she smirked and gestured to her friend. Waiting for the fallout.
Pomona and Filius looked towards all three with confusion. The sounds of Lockhart bragging could be heard in the background.
"Is someone going to clue us in with what Lockhart has to do with Severus's illness?" Filius asked. Albus gulped. The usual twinkle in his eyes was gone.
"Gilderoy is taking over Severus's class today..." He admitted. There was a sharp moment of tense silence before anyone responded.
"Well, there goes the dungeons."
"Is anyone going to tell Severus?"
"Shit! Someone get Severus here now!"
Poppy slammed her enraged fist on the table to get the panicking four staff members to calm down. She pointed an accusing finger at each of them as she spoke. Fire in her eyes.
"No one. And I mean no one is getting Severus. He is very sick and won't be disturbed. Albus. Do you have a death sentence for the students of Hogwarts and her staff because you keep hiring idiots!"
"Poppy, Professor Quirell wasn't an i-"
"He had a stutter that made it impossible for him to finish a sentence in five minutes. This would be annoying but understandable if it wasn't for the fact he had Voldemort on the other side of his head! He was a willing host! So in conclusion, he was an idiot!"
"Is it because of the alleged curse on the DADA position you keep doing this to us?" Minerva asked. "Or maybe we just haven't been doing our job good enough so you are punishing us with him. It's working. We will work harder! Just don't make Severus's potions classroom suffer. He is already sick!"
"I am not punishing anyone. There just isn't anyone else to take the job." Albus argued.
"There must be someone! Sybill perhaps?" Pomona suggested in desperation. Everyone cringed at the thought of that.
"That might actually be the worst option. Which I didn't think was possible until now..." Filius complained. They all groaned and watched Gilderoy Lockhart proceed to stand on the Slytherin table. The only house where most of their members were shooting him warning death looks as he tried to dramatically reenact one of his adventures for anyone who would listen. Which was mostly Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. Much to the embarrassment of Filius and Minerva.
"Severus might kill us." Pomona muttered with a sigh.
"If Severus has time to kill us, then Gilderoy has been dead for several hours before then," Minerva replied. The thought wasn't as disturbing as it should have been.
-The End-