Life's a scam. Sometimes you feel like you're in heaven on earth. Other times, it tears the rug out from under your feet and pulls you straight to hell. And we exist somewhere in between.
Probably everyone feels like that at some point. Someday. But just when you think you've figured it all, things turn out differently than expected. I felt this way shortly after graduating my undergraduate about two years ago.
To describe everything that's happened I have to go back to the beginning.
It was the morning of graduation and my family was one of the first to arrive. "Malcolm don't stand there like that, I have to get rid of that stain somehow," my warm-hearted mother welcomed me.
"Hey mom," I replied depressed.
"I'll come right back at you, little satan's brew."
She pointed at Jamie with her forefinger, her face stony, before the door slammed shut on my face and my eyes narrowed to the spot. Dad came in and his look told me: just a sign and we're on the next bus to Brazil. He shook off the stress, a slight moan slipping from him, before he put on his understanding and good-natured expression again.
"Excuse your mother. She is still a little tense from the trip"
he apologized. Then he came up to pull me in for a hug.
"We're all so proud of you, Malcolm".
The girl on his arm let herself try to pull away from his grip.
"Daddy, Daddy. I wanna see Malcolm," she called.
"Hey my little sun," I said to my sister.
"Look how big you've become, Gina".
She smiled. After Jamie's birth, no one expected another sibling to follow. Not to mention that after 5 boys, a girl would finally prevail. A head stuck through the door frame and examined my apartment carefully.
"Is the air clear?", asked Piama. She crept cautiously into the room, careful that the 'danger' could lurk anywhere. I pointed to the door next to me.
"In the bathroom".
She took a short breath. "At least some silence for a moment", she muttered and lay exhausted on my bed. Behind her stood Francis, in his right hand a basket. Inside was his little daughter wrapped in it. Both were expecting their next child, and Piama's condition indicated that the time would finally come soon.
"Knock, knock", called Francis. "Has the nerd party started yet?"
He let a mischievous smile flicker over his face, but forgot he was holding Jillian in his hand, who was now beginning to scream.
Piama groaned. "Only five minutes. Five minutes of rest, Francis. Is that too much to ask?"
Francis's face turned red.
"How was I supposed to know that she's starting to scream when ..." I paid little heed to that; I just really didn't have the nerve to interfere in these trivialities. Besides, there was someone else I wanted to see.
"Reese," I greeted him with a smile.
"It's really great to see you again".
"Did you miss your big brother?"
he asked, then slapped me in the arm as hard as I hadn't felt it for a long time. I glared at him. "You ass," and hit back.
"Ouch," he yelled. It went on for a while. But somehow it felt familiar too. Native. Life changes enormously here on campus. Now that my family was there, it felt like home again. At some point the screams turned into goofy laughter and we patted each other on our shoulders. Everything seemed like it used to be, except ...
"Dewey didn't make it, did he?" Reese's face darkened.
"He's making progress. Honestly. And he'll soon be fit enough for visits. But it'll take time."
I nodded understandingly. Schizophrenia was nothing to be trifled with. I shook my head, angry at myself, angry at this helplessness. My little brother all alone while I wait for the fun of my life.
"You know it's not your fault, Malcolm. You can't help it. Nobody can help it."
"If only I had noticed something earlier ".
The lump in my throat swelled up and tears of anger came to my eyes.
"Don't get so bothered about it. Better show me where I can pack my stuff".
He grinned broadly over his protruding ears.
"Do you want to move in here?"
"Only for a few days. At most a week. After all, we haven't seen each other for a year". I watched him go. When did he get so fucking grown up?
We've all been pretty hectic for the past hour. Mom in particular was more nervous than it had been in a long time. "It's so typical for the Wilkersons to show up at the very last". I personally put less pressure on chest. After all, I would only get a piece of paper that no one ever talked about for the rest of their lives.
"Hal, you were supposed to put Jamie's necktie on. Francis, where are my earrings?". Mom continued to get upset. At some point she was standing in front of Reese and I, just as we were chilling on the bed, and started yelling again. "Why are you two not finished yet? Malcolm, do you have any idea how important this day is for me ... uh, I mean for you?"
"Now calm down", Reese interrupted her. "Piama and Francis are getting ready and after that we can." Her lips formed a thin line and for a brief moment time seemed to stand still. But then she rushed down towards Francis direction. Reese and I groaned in relief. "Good rescue", I said gratefully.
"Years of practice", was his explanation.
The bathroom seemed narrower than before and I decided to dress up in my bedroom. Mom couldn't take it any longer. If her genius son should miss his graduation, then her eldest would receive the certificate for him. Easy like that. With one last look in the mirror, I removed the remaining flaws, straightened my tuxedo, and hurried out of the room. In doing so, however, I ran into Reese, who was also only just finished. I guess you never get pain-free among brothers, as the pains in the head told me.
"Idiot," I grumbled. I expected a counter-insult, or another punch, or kick. Something painful. I was all the more surprised when Reese suddenly held out his hand to me. I took it suspiciously, but no trick. He just helped me up. Maybe he did miss me after all. For a reason, one that I realized much, much later, Reese's gaze stayed fixed on me.
"Is there anything?" I asked him half jokingly, half nervously. His eyes were on me, but somehow the gaze seemed to run through me. As if he were on another planet.
"No," he said. "You look really good. Just, let me get your hair done a little".
"Thanks", I responded, suddenly a little nervous. "You're less ugly today, too, homo". Only a few seconds passed, but time seemed to freeze. As if the earth rotated more slowly. A knock brought us back to our senses.
"Malcolm, there you are". A girl with rosy cheeks entered the room and gave me a quick kiss. "The speech is about to start. Your family is waiting - your mom has already talked to some blonde man. Something about 'cover your face and jump on stage'. Come on, hurry."
"That was my brother Francis. And this here". I looked over my shoulder. "This is my brother Reese." I asked him to follow us. "And this is Nancy. My girlfriend".
I remember little of what happened when the diploma was awarded. A professor gave an endlessly long speech, at some point I got awarded, my parents almost got into an argument when their cheers didn't stop, and the prom afterwards I can remember even less, only the biggest hangover of my life.
But I remember the days that followed. And Reese. Because from this point on he hardly spoke a word to me, which really went against the grain. I was used to the meanest insults, the hardest blows. But I couldn't get used to this secrecy at all. So I would eventually take time for an evening that was only dedicated to the two of us. When he finally entered the room at ten-thirty, with a whiff of whiskey and alcohol, the glasses filled with vodka were already on the table. And of course two controllers with the latest game "Skull Crash 8".
Reese collapsed on the sofa next to me. "Is that the new one ?" He exclaimed, completely perplexed. His mouth stared openly at the shell of the game. "How can you afford that?"
"One of the good things about college is the connections you have here. My friend Thomas loaned it to me. It's even the limited special edition with the popping out eyeballs."
Reese looked up from the game and still looked at me with his mouth open.
"And you did that only for me?"
"What else? I'm really glad you're here".
"I am too".
I raised my glass. "On us. Cheers", I said.
"To us," he replied with a sad undertone.
The evening became later, the vodka emptier.
And the mix of shouting and laughing created a familiar atmosphere. At some point I threw the controller away after Reese beat me for the umpteenth time.
"Bad loser?" He grinned. It was good to have someone around again who understood you and accepted you for who you were. Out of a sudden he became more serious though, and there was something sinister about his face.
"So her name is Nancy. How come only Mom and Dad know about her?" My brain clicked and it finally made sense why Reese had barely spoken a word to me over the past few days. Or at least I thought so. He was disappointed that I wasn't letting him participate in this part of my life. "Have you two been seeing each other for a long time?"
"It's only been a few months. Mom called me and, well, we were just about to do some adult stuff." The expression on his face was pained, but I just couldn't figure out why. He let out an exhausted breath.
"Reese?" I asked.
"Is she the right one for you?"
"I don't know yet. But I'd really like to find out." He didn't say anything, looked thoughtful. Was that really the Reese I grew up with?
The silence became overwhelming. "How about you? Do you have a girlfriend at the moment?" I finally asked. He almost gasped.
"Why do you assume it could be a girlfriend?" He... What?! Before I could relate to what he said, his face suddenly came closer. I felt his breath on my cheek and for a moment we looked deep into each other's eyes. I had never noticed before how beautiful his eyes actually were. Clouded by the weak light from the flickering monitor, they sparkled like brown flashes and seemed somehow wild. And hungry. His finger gently brushed my cheek. I hit him off.
"What the hell are you doing?", I asked, angry at the prank he was playing on me. But it wasn't a prank. And suddenly his lips pressed wildly against mine. They felt warm and soft. His movements felt passionate too. I was so surprised that my mind and body exposed. I couldn't move. Not even if I tried to. Instead ... I replied (?) his gestures. I still didn't understand what was going on. I opened my lips slightly ... and felt his tongue slowly trying to get into my mouth. I tore myself away. There we were, inches apart. I tried to avoid his surprised reaction. What I didn't understand at all was, why did it feel so goddamn good? Reese stammered.
"Malcolm ... I ... I'm sorry!" He got up and left me puzzled. There had to be an explanation for this. Of course, there always was. We'd both been drinking. Besides, we hadn't seen each other for a long time. And all the talk about relationships ... that had to be it. At least I tried to convince myself. Reese came out of my room with all his luggage in hand.
"Reese, where are you going?" I asked him. But he didn't answer me. The door slammed and that was the last I would hear from him in two years. I was too tired and still in shock to run after him. My lips were still tingling. We kissed. I kissed him. My own brother. Little did I know then that this would be just the tip of the iceberg.