Swans
A Ryan/Espo fanfiction
Ryan keeps secrets from Jenny that only Esposito remembers (Set during S3 Ep16 "Set Up")
:-:
The atmosphere in the station feels surreal. Everyone is busy on their assigned tasks, and you are reminded of swans – sleek and elegant on the surface while paddling frantically underwater. The bomb threat is real and you fear if the paddling stops you'll all drown.
You've called Lanie but you can't persuade her to leave town and you can't tell her why. Ryan arranged for Jenny to stay with her mother no problem. You wonder if this is meaningful – if this says something about you and Lanie, or if it's just further confirmation that Ryan and Jenny are meant to be.
No. You swore to yourself you wouldn't think about it.
You glance across your desk at Ryan who is busy making phone calls, his back to you, and return to your computer. You lose yourself in the job at hand and time along with it.
They are bringing in Amir's wife for questioning – if her husband made the bomb it stands to reason she would know. Right? Ryan isn't so sure.
"Could you be a terrorist without Jenny knowing?" You ask him – and immediately regret it. Guilt flashes across Ryan's face, so quickly you would have missed it if you hadn't been expecting it. He turns from you and you see his shoulders hunch slightly as if he could fold into himself and disappear.
You curse under your breath.
Ryan may not be a terrorist, but there's a lot that Jenny doesn't know. For every story Ryan tells her, there's a paragraph he doesn't include.
Jenny knows it only took two weeks for you and Ryan to gel as partners. You never wanted a partner again after the death of your last one, but you soon warmed to the cheeky grin and quick brain of the new detective. Ryan had a habit of completing tasks before asking and was meticulous in his paperwork. And when after two weeks he saved your life, pushing you out of the path of a bullet, partners became friends. Jenny knows you celebrated at a bar that night with too many drinks; that Ryan practically had to carry you home.
Jenny doesn't know you pulled him into your apartment by the waistband of his trousers. She doesn't know he pinned you against the door and kissed you.
Jenny knows you used to go round to Ryan's every Friday night for a beer and videogames. She knows Ryan needed unwind time with his best friend. She doesn't know this involved unwinding belts and undoing ties and making out and making love on a second hand sofa that causes you to cringe at the memory.
Because that's all it is. A memory.
You knew when Ryan met Jenny things were changing. A few less beers. Once a week became once a month, and then not at all.
And you never talked about it. What had been. You always knew you lov… you felt something he didn't. So you move on.
What Jenny doesn't know, Ryan won't remember, and you can't bear to forget.
Like a swan on the water – you are calm on the surface: fighting for life underneath. If you stop paddling, you'll drown.