Notice to all mercenaries employed by Reliable Excavation Demolition:
due to abuse of company phone lines (you know who you are), all equipment requisition requests must now exclusively be made in writing. Starting tomorrow, requests made through any other channel will be ignored. The appropriate forms have already been provided. Please start using them.
We also ask that you use these forms instead of going out and stealing supplies from Teufort's hospital (you also know who you are). It actually costs less to buy the damn equipment for you than it does to run damage control.
Thank you in advance. Now get back to work.
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Yeti liver
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: I want to see what will happen if I put one in Demo.
Dear Medic,
unfortunately I couldn't read the form you sent me. Is there a line in the Hippocratic Oath in which doctors swear that their handwriting must be as indecipherable as possible? If so, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that there is one part of that thing that you actually follow.
Anyway, the scribble you sent vaguely resembles the word 'bladder' if I tilt my head and squint very hard, so here is one from a grizzly bear—we have a surplus since Mr. Hale went on a hiking trip last week. Please let me know if this is not what you were looking for.
Regards,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Yeti liver
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Here. I hope you will be able to read this now. Please hurry; I had to wait a week for Engineer to build a typewriter for me. Would you believe we didn't have one on base?
It wasn't what I needed, but I appreciated the bear bladder nonetheless. I implanted it into Sniper.
Dear Medic,
thank god, you finally got a typewriter. Maybe now I'll actually be able to read your medical reports. Please don't tell anyone, but I've been throwing them into the "read" pile without looking at them. I hope I haven't missed any notable medical issues this way, but I figured that if someone died you'd be able to bring them back more or less like normal. Maybe the next time the Administrator asks me about your reports I won't have to make up something about Spy having erectile dysfunction.
Anyway, here's your liver. Normally it would have been hard to get hold of, but Mr. Hale was very happy to have an excuse to punch a Yeti again.
P.S. Thanks again for the contract you took last week. I really wouldn't know who else to turn to when I need tracking devices implanted in someone's kidneys.
Regards,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Baboon tongue
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Scout sent a baseball through the infirmary window so I'm going to replace his tongue.
I'm flattered to hear that my reports are being treated with exactly the same care with which I write them. Don't worry about missing anything; I usually just dash off whatever is on my mind the night before they're due, often while I'm drunk. I'll type the next one if you insist. I'll be sure to mention Spy's erectile dysfunction, just for you.
Dear Medic,
on second thought, please go back to sending your reports handwritten. That last one you sent was the most disturbing thing I've ever read, and I dispose of corpses for a living.
Speaking of which, would you happen to have any tips for taking bodies apart? The Administrator has been on my case saying my time could be improved, but I can only cut so fast, you know?
P.S.: Please don't do anything irreversible to Scout. I understand the impulse, but I don't want to have to explain what happened to him to the Administrator.
Regards,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Cardioscan 2000™
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Pyro set my last one on fire. I had no idea it was even flammable. Why is an electrocardiograph machine flammable?
You have some nerve asking me for tips for disposing of perfectly good bodies. Do you have any idea how many useful body parts you waste every week with your quicklime and shallow graves when you could be sending them to me instead? Anyway, what are you using to cut up the bodies? I strongly recommend investing in a good saw. Sure, any old saw can do in a pinch, but you won't believe how much of a difference it makes to have a tool specifically made for the job, especially if you take care to sharpen it regularly and make sure it doesn't rust. I've included a Mann Co. catalogue with my recommendations circled. I've also drawn a diagram of the best places to cut on the back of this form, along with a few maintenance tips.
Dear Medic,
I don't send the corpses to you because the Administrator needs them disposed of, not shambling around Teufort's main street for everyone to recognize. Do you have any idea how many witnesses I had to kill that night? I pulled an all-nighter just to bury them all.
Thank you very much for the catalogue. I've been using an old hacksaw I found in a target's shed, but I suppose I could use a new one. I'll make sure to practice those cuts too.
Thanks again,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Diphenhydramine
Quantity: As much as you can get your hands on
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: If I don't slip sedatives into Soldier's dinner he wakes us up at 5 am with a bugle.
That only happened once! And it's not as though it was still recognizable anyway, so I don't know what the Administrator was so upset about. And besides, advancing the sum total knowledge of humanity and overcoming the laws of God and nature is much more important than disposing of a few insignificant witnesses! What's an all-nighter compared to that?
In any case, I've been working on a compound to induce combustion in deceased human tissue. If it works as I expect it to it should turn an entire cadaver to ash in less than a minute. I'll let you know the results. Unless you want to help me test it?
Medic,
I'll be in Teufort next Wednesday. 5 PM at the granary outside of town. You bring the compound, I'll bring the corpses.
See you soon,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Saxton Hale Jarate Pills™
Quantity: 5 bottles
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: How are you recovering from last week? I'm very sorry about your hand, though it was very interesting to see the effect of the compound on living tissue. (Please keep me informed of any interesting side effects you might experience.)
But apart from that it was rather fun, wasn't it? I was impressed by your sprinting speed when we were running from the entirety of the Teufort fire department. It almost reminded me of the good old days running from pitchfork-wielding mobs...
Hi Medic,
don't apologize. You're right—it was a lot of fun, actually, and the hand didn't even hurt too much. And the look on that firefighter's face when you threw a pancreas at him was priceless. We should do that again some other time. Even if you don't share my appreciation for shallow graves and corpse-grade quicklime.
By the way, since you spend more time in Teufort than I do, do you happen to know the name of that cute blonde woman who ran away from us screaming? Because I need to hunt down any witnesses still alive and not for any other reason, of course.
Thanks,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Blue whale pineal gland
Quantity: 8
Reason why Medic is a huge dickbag: Please ignore that. Scout was in my office. I think he's still angry about the tongue.
I'm afraid I'm not really on speaking terms with the locals. For some reason they keep running away screaming whenever I try to engage them in conversation, and when I strap them down they're always too busy begging for their life to make small talk. They're quite rude, aren't they? It's not as if they need BOTH kidneys to live.
The next time I'm in town looking for organ donors I'll be sure to ask around, though.
Hi Medic,
the bone saw I ordered finally arrived, and it's incredible how much difference it makes. I managed to cut almost half a minute from my best time! Thanks again for your help.
P.S.: I know you're usually good for this, but when you're in town please make sure to dispose of anyone who sees you doing anything questionable, which I assume is everything on your to do list. I have a busy week and I really don't need more work.
Thanks,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Physician's Protector
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Sniper keeps taking potshots at my head for some reason. I don't understand why he's so upset. The bear bladder seems to have helped him with his Jarate!
Anyway, the townspeople were as helpful as ever, but I learned from Demo that a young woman fitting that description is working as a bartender at the Exploding Molotov Bar in Teufort. Most of the team has plans to be there Saturday night at 8 PM. You're more than welcome to come along.
Medic
Here's your helmet
What happened last night?
My head hurts
Please reply
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Loch Ness monster liver
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Hello, Miss Pauling! How are you doing? Make sure to drink lots of water!
What happened is that you needed to gather up the courage to talk to your bartender, so we helped. It took a while, and a lot of drinks. Also you got distracted playing poker with Heavy and Soldier and singing Scottish ballads with Demo. There was a game of darts at one point. By then you were drunk enough to do worse than Demo, which is quite impressive for someone with functioning depth perception.
After many drinks, you managed to get up and go for it. You were trying to talk to her in a very bad French accent for some reason (I think you were taking advice from Spy). Everything seemed to be going very well for about five minutes until Demo got fed up with Scout only playing Tom Jones on the jukebox and blew it up. Your friend didn't like that much for some reason. Also, I think this is when Soldier took issue with a group of "hippies" at the bar and the nightly bar fight started. I'm afraid things start get a bit fuzzy around that time. Heavy says he had to carry me back to the base.
It was the best Oktoberfest I've had since I was forced to leave Germany on short notice.
In related news, it took much longer than usual for Demo to pass out that night. The new liver is working! I am one step closer to creating Gods! God's domain is within my reach!
Hi Medic,
sorry about that last note. Incidentally, if you happen to know a good hangover cure, I'm in the market. Preferably one that doesn't involve any animal organs.
I'm glad you had fun. I did too, I think. The bits of it that I can remember, at least.
P.S.: Could you ask Engie if he has some free time this weekend? My scooter is making weird noises again.
Thanks,
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Lollipops
Quantity: 100
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Pyro keeps setting things in my office on fire. My desk lamp is burning. I suppose I've been lucky this time since its purpose is to emit light anyway, but I'm not looking forward to the next visit. I'm hoping that handing out lollipops to patients will help prevent further incidents.
My go-to hangover remedy involves scooping out part of your brain. It works wonders! Let me know if you're interested.
By the way, I've heard from Demo who heard from one of the regulars at the Exploding Molotov that your bartender friend wanted to see the weird drunk French woman again, and she hopes to see you at the Halloween party at the bar next week.
P.S. Engie says he's free.
Hi Doc,
I'll pass on the remedy, but thanks for the offer, and for passing the message along. Oh, god, I hope everything goes well. I've never been to a party before. What do people even do at parties? And I don't know how to talk to women, and I don't remember any of Spy's advice...
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Pigeon blood
Quantity: 500 ml
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: It's probably for the best that you don't remember Spy's advice. He's not nearly as suave as he thinks he is. Last time at the bar you seemed to be doing well enough just getting drunk and having fun, which, coincidentally, is exactly what you're supposed to do at parties.
Just remember not to bring up your work on the first date. I've discovered that most people don't enjoy hearing about dissections or corpses during dinner for some strange reason.
Hi Medic,
honestly, people can be so weird about our kind of work. One time a man tried to call the police on me just because he overheard me calling a hit on someone on the phone!
Anyway, thanks for the advice. I hope everything goes well.
P.S.: Can you tell Engie that I need him to look at my scooter again? The engine works perfectly now, but the turret he installed in it keeps shooting random passersby, which is kind of annoying when I'm trying not to attract attention.
P.P.S.: I've almost completely regained feeling in my left hand.
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: External defibrillator set
Quantity: 1
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: Pyro appreciated the lollipops. This didn't stop my defibrillator from getting set on fire, but at least now all the paper in my office has rainbows and unicorns drawn in the margins. I hope you enjoy them.
Good luck with the party tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Remember: the best way to a woman's heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs.
Medic,
the party went well for about five minutes, at which point the bar got invaded by shambling corpses. Things took a bit of a downturn after that.
Please tell me you have nothing to do with that, because if I find out that you do I'm going to be pulling out the teeth from your severed head one by one.
P.S. The unicorns were very cute. Tell Pyro I loved them.
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Medic
Product name: Medical lubricant
Quantity: 20 tubes
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time: I had nothing to do with it, and I am deeply insulted that you think I would let loose so many experiments at once without being there to record the results!
I can explain what happened: it was Halloween, so Merasmus was trying to get out of doing the dishes and/or to get five dollars for groceries back from Soldier (it was hard to tell which from his monologue) and cursed Teufort's buried dead to rise from their graves and attack the living (which is extremely inconvenient because I get a lot of my materials at the Teufort graveyard, but does the man ever think of that?).
I think he meant for us to fight them, but I'm afraid he got the spell he meant to cast on us a little mixed up and we were otherwise occupied for the entire evening with activities that have absolutely nothing to do with the request I am currently submitting.
Anyway, you'll be happy to know that the munitions room is only slightly cursed this time, even if it does need a thorough scrubbing.
Hi Medic,
on second thought, I really don't want to know.
Anyway, now I have an entire bar full of zombies to deal with. The corpses I dispose of don't usually try to dispose of me back. How am I going to
Strike that. How much of your compound can you make in one day, and are you free tomorrow night? Give me a call.
Miss Pauling
RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION
Medical Equipment Requisition Form
Request by: Doctor
Product name: Surgical scalpels
Quantity: Twenty
Reason why your request isn't a waste of our time:
Hello Miss Pauling.
This is Heavy Weapons Guy. Doctor has asked me to write form for him because Pyro set typewriter on fire somehow. It is still burning on desk. I am using it as lamp.
Doctor is dictating what he wants me to write. He is talking very fast. I will not do this. I will summarize instead.
He says that he wants scalpels because he used them as weapon to defend infirmary from enemy spy, but is actually because he got into fight with our spy because spy said french bread is better than german bread. Was good fight. Doctor won. He says also that he is very grateful to you for giving him chance to test compound again and that he enjoys working with you very much. He says that bartender friend did not run away from burning corpses screaming quite as loudly as first time and he is sure this means you maybe still have chance. Many men have also run away screaming from his work, so he knows this thing. He wishes you best.
He did not say all of this exactly, but I know it is what he means.
Heavy
Hi Medic,
thank you too. I had a lot of fun! Watching the corpses shamble about trying to put themselves out was pretty entertaining, and the fire department gave us more of a challenge this time. I think they've been training! Next time you should try throwing something more substantial at them, like an entire torso.
Thank you for your wishes. Who knew that committing crimes against nature in an alley was a good way to meet women?
Speaking of which: Friday, 4 PM, the Teufort city dump. I'll bet you ten dollars you can't beat my new record of corpses dissolved per minute. Are you in?
See you soon,
Miss Pauling
The Teufort Bystander
WEATHER: CLOUDY WITH AN 80% CHANCE OF FIRES
TEUFORT CORPSE BURNERS STILL AT LARGE
Unidentified Duo Continues Reign of Terror over Fair City
After last week's incident at the Exploding Molotov Bar, the infamous duo has struck again Friday night, leaving a pile of blazing corpses in their wake at the Teufort Town Square City Dump.
The perpetrators have been described as a mousy-looking young woman and a middle-aged man with a "smug, evil" smile by one of the few surviving witnesses. "They almost caught me," says Joe, 25, "but after having all those organs removed in that attack last month I'm able to run much faster than I used to. Who knew that losing that extra weight would turn out to be so helpful?"
Firefighters have been dispatched to the scene but have failed to extinguish the fire, claiming they were too disturbed, too disgusted by the smell, or too busy jogging to train for the next attack. The corpse fire has been burning for close to twenty-four hours with no signs of stopping. "I'm-a hoping that it will attract tourists to the area," says Guiseppe, 37, pizzeria owner. "For now I've-a been using the fire to cook-a the pizzas. It's-a surprisingly handy."
Mann Co. has refused to comment on any possible connection to the infamous mercenary group the Teufort Nine that has plagued our fair city for years with murder sprees, disregard for public property, and drunken bar fights. The company's representative warns that further questioning will result in Mann Co. CEO Saxton Hale's foot becoming lodged so far up the questioner's rectum that medical intervention would be required and advises against this course of action as it would lead to increased strain on Teufort's already taxed hospital system.
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