"Chakotay, there's no one I trust more than you. You're a fine First Officer. Are you ready to Captain this ship?"
"Yes… But Captain, I will not agree to taking control of the ship unless you tell me your plan first.
"You are going to use the Vortex. I will stay on this side and destroy it." She bit her tongue and waited for his reaction.
"That's a suicide mission! I can't, in good faith, allow you to do this. We need you with us! What kind of crew would we be if we let you stay in this void alone? You have barely been able to handle it with all of us here! If we leave you behind you'll never make it out!"
A wave of emotion hit her, and she didn't know what she was feeling most. She couldn't tell if it was anger or despair, but she certainly didn't expect herself to say what was about to come out of her mouth.
"Let me die, Chakotay! Just let me die…" The words barely came out. Tears were building in her eyes and her throat burned. She started to crumble to the ground, but his arms held her up against him.
"Kathryn, I'm not going to let you die. Especially like this. Please talk to me." His pleas sounded so sincere to her. It must be scaring him to see her like this, a completely different Kathryn than he had seen since New Earth. Her tears began to soak through his jacket, but her held her tighter.
"Please, I want this to be over. Let me do this so it can be over. Let me get you closer to home."
"We all want this to be over, but not if it means losing you. That is not a sacrifice we're willing to make."
"It's not a sacrifice if I want to die!" He pulled back and looked into her eyes. Her recent depression was known by everyone on Voyager, but he had no idea it had gotten to this point. She realized what she had said and bit her tongue so she wouldn't cry.
"Kathryn… please, you can't mean that."
She felt her throat tighten. She closed her eyes before speaking. "But I do. I want to die. I need to pay for what I've done. For what I've cost everyone. They deserve better."
She tried to squeeze the tears back, but they fell despite her efforts. She buried her face in his shoulder. He felt her shaking and noticed how shallow she was breathing. She seemed to be having a panic attack.
"I wasn't going to let you do this before, and I'm definitely not going to let you do it now." He rubbed her back and pulled her flush against him, in efforts to calm her nerves.
When her breathing evened out, he loosened their embrace and looked at her eyes. She avoided making eye contact. She shrugged out of her uniform jacket, and Chakotay noticed that she had sweat through her turtleneck and tank top.
He went to her closet and grabbed a clean set of shirts. He handed them to her and turned away to give her some privacy. She had started undressing before he could turn fully around, and something caught his eye. She was pulling the new turtleneck into place as he faced her.
"Captain, what was that?"
She looked at him with wide eyes, afraid that he knew her other secret. "What was what?"
He rolled her sleeve up and saw what he had been afraid of. Her bicep was covered in red lines. He noticed how carefully she had made sure they would be covered by her short sleeves. Some were older, some were newer. Most were shallow and angry, a few were deep.
He took a deep breath. "Kathryn, how long have you been doing this? How long have you been trying to kill yourself?"
She couldn't help but let out a mocking laugh. "Please, this isn't me trying to kill myself! I can't believe people still think that."
"Then what is it?"
"It's what keeps me from killing myself! Each cut represents an urge to kill myself that I didn't act on."
He felt a desire to cry. How could someone he cared about be hurting so much without him knowing? He ran his fingers over the cuts, only realizing how much pressure he had been using when she winced. "Please don't do this anymore. Talk to me instead."
"I can't do that to you."
"Yes, you can. Any time, day or night, when you get the urge call me and I will be there. But I also think you need to talk to the doctor. He has some therapy programs that you may benefit from. I'm sure you won't be the first person on board to use them."
"I'm supposed to be the leader here. What does it say about how I lead the crew if I feel like this?"
"It says you put more energy into everyone on this ship than you do for yourself."
"It never stops. Even when I'm doing my job. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore."
He enveloped her in a hug. "You don't have to. Now that you've told me we can handle this."
She couldn't help but bury her head in his chest. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for." He kissed her forehead. "I love you, Kathryn."
"I love you, too."