And so we begin Sophie's story!
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Tears freely fall down Sophie's face as she sits in front of the person she thought she would never talk to again: her older brother, Clay. His face, hardened by years 3 as a Tier-1 Operator for Bravo Team, stares at her coolly, arms crossed. It reminds her of when they were kids, when she would beg for information about their parents and Clay would shut down the conversation with a few words and the look he is giving her right now.
"I-I don't know how to even start with the apology, Clay," Sophie starts, feeling like her heart is in her throat. No matter how many times she practiced this in her head, it seems all of her diligently prepared words have disappeared.
"Sometimes it feels hard to breathe," she whispers absentmindedly, looking at her hands as she wrings them.
"Why?" She looks up then, still faced with 'the look,' but there is something else she sees in Clay's eyes: the big brother that would check under the bed for monsters, wanting to constantly protect the most important person in his life. Sophie knows with a sickening gut punch that she does not deserve an ounce of his concern, but she does owe him honesty.
"I hate myself," Sophie says, as if the concept is obvious. "How could I not for what I did to you? I let myself get manipulated by the person we've spent our whole lives hating, and arguably hurt you worse than he ever did."
The large, empty café is silent around them.
Physically unable to exist in the discomfort of the quiet, Sophie continues. "You know, it's kind of like watching a movie – when I think about all of it. It feels like a different person, but it's not."
At this, her eyes well with tears again. "It's me, Clay," she says, hoarsely. "It's me. I've always tried to prove to Ash that he was a piece of shit for abandoning us with a drug addict mother and then in a violent African village. If I was a good person, smart, accomplished – he'd probably regret it right? I was stupid enough to let him take advantage of me, to believe he finally cared enough to really get to know me. I betrayed you to impress him, and the weight of that is what crushes me."
Silence again.
Wiping the tears that she had failed to stop from falling, Sophie sniffles. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad for me or anything. I just…I just want you to know that you can't possibly hate me or be angrier at me than I am at myself. I'm so, so sorry, big brother. I am so sorry."
Clay doesn't respond, and Sophie nods to herself slightly. Did I really think this would solve everything? She had hoped, desperately, that it would.
"You said you'd give me five minutes and it's been way longer, so I'm gonna go," Sophie says, gathering her purse as she struggles to keep any form of composure. "Thanks for hearing me out."
Sophie slides out of the booth, promising herself that she can break down in the car – scream, cry, add a few more dents to the hood with punches she wants to throw. Just get to the car, Sophie. You can lose it in the car.
As she walks by Clay, he grabs her arm to stop her. Without much resistance from his shocked sister, Clay pulls Sophie to sit down next to him, and wraps his arm around her. It's then that the dam splits open – the tears from earlier are nothing compared to this. Sophie buries her head in his chest like she did as a 5-year-old afraid of thunderstorms, and completely breaks down.
"You're okay, Soph," Clay says softly. "It's okay." His other arm wraps around her as his other hand cradles her head, seemingly trying to stop her from shaking as badly as she is.
Sophie can barely breathe as she responds. "Not okay. Not okay," she hiccups back as she slightly gasps for air.
"I'm sorry, Clay," she sobs, on the verge of hyperventilating. It wouldn't be the first time this situation caused a panic attack; and why wouldn't it? He'll realize he made a mistake, and let go and leave, and I'm alone again.
Sophie clutches him tighter at the thought. When you lose the only person you've ever been able to depend on, the entire foundation cracks. Sophie knows this all too well.
"Hey, hey. Soph, you gotta breathe, alright?"
Sophie shakes her head indignantly against his chest. "I-I can't because you'll c-change your mind. You should. You've always b-been the good one, and – and I'm not. I'm not." The thoughts that swirled through Sophie's head throughout Clay's 4 month deployment are emptying out of her mouth faster than her brain can process them.
Clay pulls back then, grabbing Sophie's shoulders in a strong grip. "I need you to hear me, really hear me. Can you do that?"
Sophie's chest heaves, but she nods. "We'll get through this, you and me. We will. But I need you to take a deep breath for me, because I don't like how shaky you are and how pale you just got so quickly. I don't want your BP to keep climbing, alright? Take a few deep breaths and then have some water."
Sophie concentrates, pushing herself to take one breath, then another. It's rare that Bravo 6 Clay is the one in front of her, but she knows when he is, following orders is the path of least resistance.
When Clay hands her the cup of water, her breathing has slowed enough that she can drink it without choking.
"How you feeling?" His arm hovers around her protectively. Ever since she passed out at 10 years old from chronic hypertension, Clay's protective instincts have been sharper than the scope on his sniper rifle.
"Better," Sophie rasps.
"Headache?"
Sophie shakes her head.
Clay's eyes narrow." Chest pain?"
Sophie's lips quirk into a small smile. "I'm alright. No dizziness either. Promise."
"What about – "
Sophie chuckles softly. "I'll check my BP tonight and take extra meds if I need. I'm okay."
At that, Clay stares at her. I hate when he does the Navy Seal stare and assess. It's always followed by something I don't want to hear.
"I'm still pissed as hell at you." There it is.
Sophie swallows thickly. "You should be." She believes it wholeheartedly.
"The team is too. If you want to come around again, you'll need to talk to them."
That means….
Sophie's heartrate picks up again, as a small stream of hope is shot into her bloodstream.
"Done."
After a beat, Clay says, "I don't blame you, though. Not entirely."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't have as many memories of Ash from when we were kids," Clay starts, taking off his hat and staring at it in his hands, "and I sure as hell wasn't sharing any with you when you started asking. Ash is a manipulative bastard, Soph, I'm just sorry you had to experience it for yourself. You just wanted what every kid with an absentee father wants, you just got caught up in it."
Sophie blinks once, twice.
"Still processing there, Microsoft?" The first Clay smirk she's seen in months. It's refreshing as it is comforting.
"I'm not one to kick a gift horse in the mouth or anything, I'm just surprised is all."
"That…"
Sophie shrugs. "That you want to speak to me without screaming? Look me in the eye without trying to gouge it out?"
"I don't know," Clay replies easily with a shrug of his left shoulder, "Rebecca will probably have that covered."
Ugh, the bitch Rebecca. Rebecca: the D.C. girl trying to change Clay from a doorknocker to a cake-eater with a pair of Italian leather shoes and a $500 silk tie. It's painful for Sophie to watch, well it was, before four and a half months ago when her life blew up; she hasn't seen them together since. Watching Clay slowly change the core of who he is, almost too easily, had enraged Sophie in a way she hadn't felt in years. Their childhood had been one of never feeling like they fit in: with kids with normal parents, in the African village their grandparents brought them to, and so on. Clay was 31 now, Sophie 25; neither of their personal relationships should include the lack of self -assurance and identity that marked their younger years, but here Rebecca was, bringing Clay back to that place and he didn't even realize it.
"Excuse me if Rebecca's opinion isn't at the top of my list," Sophie replies sardonically.
Clay's phone buzzes suddenly. "Ah, saved by the Batphone, brother. Spinning up?"
"Yeah," Clay chuckles, "Sonny will be pissed. He just set up an inflatable pool filled with beer in his yard."
Sophie lifts an eyebrow. "I shouldn't be as impressed as I am."
Laughing in response, Clay throws a $20 on the table and hoists himself out of the booth.
He looks at his sister, narrows his gaze a bit, then gives a short nod.
"I'll let you back in my life, kid." A stark contrast from when he'd said 'stay the hell away from me, Sophie,' and 'the only siblings I have now are my brothers.'
The 500 pound boulder that had been resting on Sophie's chest for over 4 months suddenly evaporates. "I won't be a screw up again, I promise."
Clay's brows furrow, in what Sophie recognizes as concern. He's clearly thinking something, but that something will have to wait as he checks his phone again.
"You were never a screw up, okay? Never." The sharpness in her brother's tone would leave no doubt in anyone else's head besides hers, stubborn as Sophie is. "Get that out of your head. I gotta go, but we'll talk soon, alright?"
Sophie nods. "To infinity?" Their years long tradition of saying 'be safe, I love you, see you soon," fell past her lips before she could stop them. Knowing Clay is still rightly angry, she instantly fears she pushed the moment too far. That aching feeling in her stomach returns in full force as Clay rubs his jaw.
After an endless 30 seconds, Clay puts his fist out for Sophie to bump with her own, and the grin she gives him is enough to power a 500 watt bulb. "And beyond, kiddo. Always."
When Clay is gone, Sophie throws her head back in relief. It's okay. It's fixable. Maybe you aren't as screwed up and alone as Ash said you were. She hits the table with her fist as she hops out of the booth, practically floating out of the café.
Today, she started on the path to reconciliation with Clay. Tomorrow, she'll start on the destruction of Ash Spenser.